"Living for approval is no way to live. In this episode, we reveal the mindset shifts to escape the exhausting cycle of people-pleasing and reclaim your peace. It’s time to choose *you*. 🕊️ #PerfectModePodcast #PeoplePleasing #SpiritualFreedom"
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Creators & Guests
What is Perfect Mode?
"Perfect Mode" invites you on a transformative odyssey to discover the extraordinary within the ordinary. Hosted by the dynamic duo of JClay, a rapper with a spiritual twist, and Troy Washington, a realtor with a mindset of abundance, this podcast is a sanctuary for those seeking to elevate their existence. Together, they explore the realms of personal growth, mental clarity, and spiritual enlightenment, offering unfiltered insights into living a life unchained by societal expectations. Tune in for your weekly dose of inspiration and embark on a journey to align with your highest self.
If I reminded you that you are perfect, would you argue me down or step into your perfection? Welcome to perfect welcome to perfect where there are no excuses, no expectations, and we explore the world without limitations. I'm Jay Clay, rapper, and spiritual teacher with my co host Troy Washington, your friendly neighborhood realtor. Let's be real, so let's be Perfect. Perfect.
JClay:Perfect. Perfect.
Troy Washington:What up? Welcome to perfect mode. And And first off, let me start by saying that we love y'all, and we're grateful for the opportunity to be anywhere, sharing our thoughts, hopefully, in helping you realize that you are perfect. And the reason why I can say that unapologetically is because I know that you are one of 1 numero uno. You cannot be replicated, duplicated.
Troy Washington:And the only reason and, I mean, the only reason you think that you're not perfect is if you're looking at this person next to you and saying, I'm not them. But guess what? You are you, and that's all you need. And, of course, it's yours truly, Troy Washington, your friendly neighborhood realtor. And I have my boy, Jay Clay, spiritual rapper and teacher.
Troy Washington:And we about to get on here and talk about breaking free from the prison of people pleasing. Man, I I love the tongue twister. What up, Jay?
JClay:Oh, what up? Happy Sunday. All my perfect people here at the perfect place at the perfect time. Ready to get into it. I just wanna say real quick, that link that's in the description, no matter where you're looking from, you can click it to see all our upcoming episodes so you don't miss the one that's just uniquely for you as they all are.
JClay:But, yeah, man, I'm, as always, I'm excited about this topic, the breaking free of the prison of people pleasing, because I was I was once in that prison as a youth, you know?
Troy Washington:The funny thing is, bro, like, I don't feel like I'm a people pleaser per se
JClay:Yeah.
Troy Washington:But in certain instant. You know what I'm saying? So I think that I'm you know, when you look at me how my my life and the way that I live holistically, I'm not really, a people pleaser, but there are instances where I fall into the bucket that I definitely wanna make sure that I address and, you know, just talk to about it and address those as well.
JClay:Yeah. Well, shoot. Let's let's jump into it. What what is people pleasing? Why do we do it?
JClay:And, for everybody watching, I want y'all to think about, like, when when's the last time you said yes to something you didn't wanna do just to avoid disappointing somebody. But go ahead.
Troy Washington:No. No. Funny funny thing, bro. Just you're here recently. We had a party at our house for, I'm not even sure.
Troy Washington:It was just a a family get together. We're just having a family get together at our house, and we don't really ever do anything at our house. Best thing about it is when, my my brothers got the invite, they literally took that the invite and said, what? Troy having something that his okay. I for sure gotta go to that.
Troy Washington:And it, number 1, it let me know again from that standpoint that's that that's a realm where I know that I'm not a people pleaser. I don't necessarily do things in order to be around people. I be around people that I just be around in a sense. But, when it comes to being a, breaking free from being a people pleaser, it's some I think it ties to the satisfaction of what I feel like I can make people get out of things that you do for them, trying to control the result or the way that they respond to a result. But go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Yeah. I found a good a good definition for it. Putting others needs, opinions and approval above your own to avoid conflict, rejection or disapproval. Quote, people pleasing is the art of losing yourself in service to others. And, man, that that that's that's strong because I know we always talk about being of service to others because it's so rewarding.
JClay:But there is a fine line if that service is call causing you to to feel I don't like you like, you're under the strain of things. Like, if if it's if it's too much, to give a cool example of the of where I almost was met with people pleasing was this Friday. So, like, Friday afternoon, for some reason, all my clients hit me up at the same time. Like, what's y'all never hit me up. And this Friday, and this this in the holiday, like, what's going on?
JClay:Like, everybody just wants wanted something different. And, like, some of the stuff I was cool with doing because I I normally do a little bit of work every day. But I was like, everybody, nah. This is it's too much. Shut down everything.
JClay:I was like, nah. I gotta I gotta go get my mind right. And that's what I did. And then I was able to just do things at my own pace, which was really fulfilling. But that this could've turned into a dark weekend because I coulda resented all of them for reaching out to me.
JClay:I mean, they just just asking for what, you know, they normally would ask for. But it it but it is it's on me just like it's on you to discern what's best for you, what's best for you at at your current state. But yeah. Go ahead.
Troy Washington:So so and and again so number 1, I think it's tight that you took you took a second away so that way you can gather yourself and put it in the perspective that you need for you to be able to operate. So I think that's important to highlight this because that's kinda how we should operate all the time. Whenever something becomes, overwhelming or it doesn't look the way that we need to, just kinda just step back just to be able to reframe it. But, again, I think for me, it's more tied to the result. So, just given what I mean as an example, you know, you might say, Troy, can you do this for me?
Troy Washington:And then I'll I'll do it, but I might not be satisfied with what I think you will be looking for with with the finished product. And so what happens is I become a prisoner to the service of trying to create something that I don't even know if it's what you're looking for anyway. And I think that's kinda how I become a prisoner to things because I I find myself doing that a lot in a lot of instances. But go ahead, Jay.
JClay:So so just to clarify, so it's like you're saying that you're being a perfectionist for somebody else, almost like like I say, I I I need you to I don't know. Let's just say build a house. You build the best possible house you could ever build, just because okay. I got you. I got you.
Troy Washington:Yeah. And to me Okay. Oh, go go ahead.
JClay:No. Go ahead. Go ahead.
Troy Washington:And to me, the I think that's a a form of people pleasing that don't realize that they fall into. Because, again, you know, one thing that I know on this journey that we're going on, we're always thinking for other people, and that's also in when it comes to results, which is one of the reasons why we would be stagnated and not do something because we would feel like Florida's not gonna be up to par with what the expectation could be. And so now you get you end up being overwhelmed by the magnitude of something that you don't even realize because you don't know it.
JClay:Yeah. So okay. Why do you think people people please? Like, what, like, what where does that come from? Is it is it are we born with it?
JClay:Do we want to just please everybody? Like like, what what is that?
Troy Washington:I think it is in our innate nature to make people happy. Like, I think I I think, ultimately, the way that it's supposed to look is the way that we're supposed to seek to make people happy is by using our gifts. So whatever our gift is, we do that to the max, and that's going to bring the joy that it's supposed to bring. But I think what happens is we get into doing other things, and we must state that for our gift because the only thing that we can do perfectly is what's ours. Right?
Troy Washington:And and and if, you know, what's mine is mine, and this is how it's supposed to be. Yeah. And so when we, I guess, reach outside of ourselves and we start doing other things, we still feel the same as if it's our own creation.
JClay:Alright. So when you say gift, you made me frame it in a different way because I I I was think so I'm thinking about my gifts, you know, the things I offer. But when you think of gift giving, you give the gift and that's it. Like, you don't care what they do with it. Look, I gave you this gift.
JClay:You can take it back if you want to. Here's the receipt. You can keep it, play with it, whatever you want to with this gift. But then, you know, like so, like, me with music and and these ongoing gifts, a part of me wants people to handle it a certain way. You know what I mean?
JClay:Like, not disregard it or or certain things. So but what again, what is that? Like, what's that the thing that makes us then focus more on that and forget about the gift itself? Because now we wanna make sure they use the gift right instead of just saying here, here's your gift. I don't care what you do with it.
JClay:And I know this is the other side of people pleasing, but it still needs to be talked about.
Troy Washington:Because, again, I don't know this, but I'm just saying it's because
JClay:see me a little bit.
Troy Washington:Oh, my bad. Ironate nature to wanna see people be their happiest. Now a lot of times when we're trying to do that, we don't realize the way that we see it is not the way that they're going to see it or they can see it. So, you know, I think that's the I think that's a part of people pleasing. Like, I in their nature just to be like, this per if they can get it this way, then it's going to be supreme bliss.
Troy Washington:You know what I'm saying? But that's just my thought.
JClay:But so but but check this out. Right? So okay. Because it's it's almost 2 different things against each other. So use the example of of me and my music.
JClay:Okay? I want people to receive it a certain way so that they can transcend, you know, their their blocks. But then there's a part of me that's like, I I want everybody to share it. I want everybody to love it. I want everybody to jam this music all the time.
JClay:And it it doesn't come about the it's not about the gift anymore. It's about my own happiness. But I'm I'm putting my happiness in how they use the gift instead of letting my happiness flow through the gift. And I and I don't even know what what's that about, but it is interesting hearing those words come out like that.
Troy Washington:Yeah. But the part to again, I don't this is just me just rambling in my mind based off what you just said. But, again, that's another another piece of it. Like, we don't know like, we're we're people pleasing with the intent to try to make someone happy, But the reality of it is we don't know what makes people happy. Because it's not like in any given moment when I'm creating a song that I want, that I like, that is the beat that I chose because everything in this beat sounded perfect to me.
Troy Washington:And then it's the cadence that I think sounded perfect to me. And then it's the words that I chose because everything sounded perfect to me. And know what? This is the perfect song, and I want everybody to know that this is the perfect song because it's the perfect message. It's everything is perfect.
Troy Washington:But then we never thought about what this next person that's tied to this wants. And so when you think about that, it's like, okay. How can I, like, just do my gift? Right? I should just let it go.
Troy Washington:I shouldn't worry about the end result or how people receive it. And that's what I'm saying is a big problem for me is the result. Like, if if this is not digested the way that I want it to be digested, then I have to change what I'm doing in order to make it be digested the way that I want it to be digested. And, again, that's only the perfect world for me. Yeah.
Troy Washington:But it don't have to be if I change the way that I'm looking at it. And so again and I'm and I'm and I'm talking about my music. Right? Because this same thing that you're talking about is the same thing that I experienced. And so the beautiful thing about music as an example is it it sometimes come back to you.
Troy Washington:And I've thought to myself, how many times a song had to be played for somebody years later to come back to me and say, hey, man. I still be listening to your music. And the thing is, I wanted thousands of millions of people to to to to hear it, but the reality of it is it didn't look the way that I wanted it to look, but it didn't mean that it wouldn't happen. But go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Yeah. So I I was thinking about, like, being a kid. Right? And and how this was learned. And in a sense, you know, we talked to behave and be like, when you think about what behave means, it's really they want you it's like you're supposed to act in accordance with what somebody deems acceptable behavior.
JClay:Whether it's truly acceptable or not. Like, who gets to decide what's truly acceptable? So you're rewarded for acting a way that somebody else deems you to behave. And in some ways, like, maybe you crave that. You you become, like, addicted to that positive reinforcement of behaving how somebody else wants you to behave or or someone wants you to act.
JClay:So, like, somebody comes up to you for a favor. Let's say you you can't do it or you don't wanna do it, but you like, I want I want this reinforcement without without even knowing. You say yes. And then while you're doing it, you resenting the whole situation. You resenting this person.
JClay:Why did I say I was gonna do this? Never again. I'm not gonna do this no more. And then you do it again. And it's this it's this cycle and then you provide it for them and then it it you're still not even fulfilled to the satisfaction that you're fulfilled.
JClay:And so it's almost like, again, why do we keep doing this rather than be honest with ourselves, be honest with them. Like, no. I can't right now, or I can only help in this way. I'll be happy to. And when you do it, you don't you're not creating all this negative feedback around it.
JClay:You're like, oh, yeah. Let me do this for this person. I can do this real quick. This is in my wheelhouse. I don't mind doing this.
JClay:And it's a different energy. So, yeah, it's something to think about.
Troy Washington:Now that is a it's a lot to think about. Like, again. Bro, like, I just started here again. The crazy thing is we all we all just want to see the next person happy. Like, we all just like, whether we recognize it or not.
Troy Washington:Like, even if I were to to do a reel or a TikTok. Right?
JClay:Yeah.
Troy Washington:I have already imagined an emotion that I expect people to feel when they see me. Like, oh, they're gonna laugh at this one, or they're gonna do like, you you you you ultimately are trying to evoke something anytime something comes out of your body. And so, like, the the thing is we're determining on what that we're we're we're trying to dictate what that is, not recognizing for ourselves that we don't know what people want.
JClay:Yeah.
Troy Washington:You know what I'm saying? And, again, that's fine. But I think the key here and and that's why I salute you, why I salute anybody that does what they what they love to do. Ultimately, I don't know how many people listen to your music. I think that a lot do.
Troy Washington:But you have somebody that's close to you that loves your music. That's me. And I don't tell you to do that for the sake of pleasing you is literally I'm a fan of your music.
JClay:Yeah.
Troy Washington:And so the thing that, you know, that we have to trust when it comes to people pleasing is that if we do what we love to do, then appreciation that we're seeking may not look the way that we want it to look. And it doesn't mean that we can't work toward it, but it doesn't mean that it's not there. And so, like oh, go go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Well, well, I I I was gonna I I was gonna respond to that and kinda bring in the the next topic, of of why people pleasing feels like a prison. So, like, so so based on what you were saying, you know, I I play basketball Sunday mornings, this morning. And there are some days where let's say, I I I mess up. You know, I I I lose the ball or miss a a open shot or something. Part of me is, like, I'm I'm harder on myself because I know I disappointed my teammates.
JClay:Now again, I don't know this for sure. This is just all in my mind that I disappointed them. But when I start to get in that spiral, it really does feel like a prison where I where I can't play my game anymore because I'm like, dang. I'm a I'm I'm all in my head. But there are times where I miss overshot.
JClay:I don't care. I'm finna go. I'm a go do it again. I'm a I'm a get the ball back, do what I need to do, and I'm free. And and I and I kind of want to talk about, like, that prison that that just so how we can recognize that we're in it so that we can easily get out of it.
JClay:Yeah. What would you say to that?
Troy Washington:So, man okay. So to to the end real quick. To answer how to get out of it, I don't know the answer to that other than having listening to people that help you recognize it. And the reason why I because number 1, I love your basketball analogy story. I love your basketball.
Troy Washington:So, you know, basketball always bring me in. I literally have seen this happen in real time. My son. Right? Now mind you, you know this before a fact too.
Troy Washington:My sons go out and shoot the basketball almost every day. Like, we always working on our shot, working on our form, working on our form. And so when I it's a coach led team by me, he can get out there. He'll be a loose, and he'll play. He'll shoot the ball.
Troy Washington:And you can see that he's really a shooter. He's gone and play played on some other teams, 2 other teams, a school team and another, you know, AAU team that he plays for. These teams, he would not shoot the ball. Right? He would not he would not shoot it, bro, because he's he was worried about what his teammate literally, he told me this.
Troy Washington:He's worried about what his teammates are gonna think if he's shooting the ball and he's missing. Like, nobody else's else misses. Right? And so exercises that I had to do with him were I and I sat down and I said, we're gonna count all the shots that everybody take on the team, and then we're gonna count their misses. And I want you to see how many misses they get, and I wanted you to see how many of the misses were yours.
Troy Washington:And so we would do things like that so he can recognize it. Right?
JClay:Yeah.
Troy Washington:And, again, so much so, there was one time in the game where he was wide open, and he looked to the coach and said, can I shoot it? And then shoot the ball after that and make the shot. And it's just it's it's the prison was he was afraid to play and be in his own game. Right? Man.
Troy Washington:Afraid to play and be in his own game. Oh, go ahead, Jay.
JClay:No. That that, like, that right there applies to so much. Like, just life is really being in your own game and enjoying your own game. Because we we talk about this all the time, how we're all in our own worlds, and we're supposed to be. We see things differently.
JClay:We have different wants. And, of course, the person across town is gonna seem crazy to us because they have a different set of beliefs. But the thing is we're trying to live in their world for my world, and it's like, nah. Live in your world. Be create and be and enjoy your world and and stop trying to live for everybody else's because you're not gonna fit in there at all.
JClay:And the freer you do things and allow yourself to make mistakes, the more fun life is and the more you don't care. And and the more you the quicker you can surround yourself around people where y'all all gonna mess up around each other, but none of y'all care because y'all all having fun and that's all that matters and you still have your goal in mind, like in that case, to win the basketball game. Because nobody wants to miss. You know what I mean? Like nobody goes up and says, I wanna miss, so let me shoot.
JClay:You know, like everybody's trying to to get their version of of hit the mark. And so it's like, yeah. Why why why even care about all that?
Troy Washington:Now this is what's funny about the story too. And, again, the breaking free part, you know, just, you know, one day in in his own bass on his own team, you know, he he got the he came down the court. He shot the 1st shot. He missed it. They got the rebound, kicked it right back out to him.
Troy Washington:He missed it. Right? Mhmm. And I, in my mind, said, oh, he's not shooting anymore in this game. Like, it's just not gonna happen.
Troy Washington:Then they the rebound again somehow and kicked it back after him. He shoots it and hits the 3. Right? Then he comes down the court and hits the next shot. Then he hits the next shot.
Troy Washington:And and he realized that the misses weren't bad. I'm glad he got the misses out the way early.
JClay:Yeah.
Troy Washington:He passed he got beyond that. He got hot. You get what I'm saying? And so he scored, like, 9 points, like, within, like, 4 or 5 minutes. It was it was real quick.
Troy Washington:And so it it just go to show that, you know, once you are able to break out of that prison, then you get back to the joy of what you were planning on being and doing anyway. Go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Yeah. Like like, in in the story I shared earlier where it was like too many people asking me for request at one time. It it was like I shut down in a sense, but for my own good. And because I was able to do that, I was able to enjoy the rest of my weekend. I was able to to to respond slowly when I chose to.
JClay:Because I mean, it's not the end of the world if you don't respond right away. It's not the end of the world if you don't meet someone's request right away. You know, if somebody asks for a favor, no matter how close. And for some reason, we we sometimes think it is, but it's not everything happens when it's supposed to happen. And the most important thing is that we remain cool enough, calm enough to see the joy in all of it.
JClay:Be and and because of that shutdown, it it forced me to to play more this weekend instead of try to have, you know, just let me work. Let me let me be productive, productive, productive, productive, which I was last week, but I don't need to carry that to the weekend as well. It's, you know, balance. So I I was grateful for that as well, and that's that's the key. Like like, re reframe things.
JClay:Take that step back to reanalyze everything and what really means the world to you.
Troy Washington:And and and to, you know, just add into that, like, I I again, I just love the reframing framing. And I, again, I like the fact that you did your story. Like, you literally like, okay. Let me let me just let me look at this. But the other part again is, like, understanding I I know I may have not said this clearly, but the the thing is what has to happen for someone to be truly pleased?
Troy Washington:What has to happen for you to be truly pleased? And so when you're in that prison, if you can can recognize, I don't know what this person wants, whoever it is or whatever it is. Like, you know, even in using my son's shooting as an example, I don't wanna shoot because I think if I miss how many shots? What's the breaking point for your for your coach? You don't even know.
Troy Washington:You never he never said, hey. If you once you miss 4 shots, it's over with. You know what I'm saying? So you don't you don't you don't you don't know. And so you're you're in a prison that you don't even understand how to even resolve the issue.
Troy Washington:And so you have to recognize that so that way you can, you know, break free. And, again, one one more thing I'll say, TJ's basketball coach said something to him in a game that I loved. He said, I don't care if you miss 64 shots. I want you to keep shooting. 64 shots is not an amount of shots that anybody ever shoots in the game.
Troy Washington:Nobody. You know what I'm saying? And so for me to say that it doesn't matter how many shots you shoot, I want you to keep shooting that lifted a pleasing or the expectation that you have to please somebody off of him. But go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Yeah. And there there are also instances where, like, in families and things or just, like, close knit situations. Well, I guess you could also say in the team too, where a person is trying to anticipate other people's needs and meet them. Like, that's that form of of people pleasing. And to to put it in the in the in basketball's sake, it's like your son saying, okay.
JClay:Well, I know this person likes it here. I'm I'm gonna feed them all first even though I'm wide open and nobody's guarding me. Instead of taking my shot, I'm a make sure they all, you know, get their stuff, which which is is cool, but as long as you're taking your shots too. And, again, like, how how do we recognize that too? Because sometimes the people can be taking that for granted for somebody that's always trying to please them, but it but it's not even on purpose.
JClay:They're just so worried about their own shot that that they're not even thinking of terms of others. Whereas it's nothing wrong with thinking about others, but just make sure you're thinking about yourself as well, or even more because you are more important than others because in a way, they are all in your world from your point of view.
Troy Washington:So I I I'm a keep it in basketball. Now you know I'm a LeBron guy, but I'm a talk about Jordan here. Right? And I was a Jordan guy before I was a LeBron guy. Yeah.
Troy Washington:But this is just to kinda emphasize your point. Everybody knows that Jordan was a score first guard. Everybody. That was what he did. Like, he was not worried about anybody else except for him first.
Troy Washington:But him being so involved with himself first provided opportunities for other people, which he had no choice but to share. Like, so much about himself, he had no he ended up having no choice but to share, and the result of that was ultimate victory for everybody. Everybody had a story to tell within that. And and and, again, that means, everybody became as significant or as important as they would have perceived him to be if that's what they were seeking to do. You know, you know, I know, you know, there's a little story that go ahead, Jay.
Troy Washington:Go ahead.
JClay:Yeah. You know, speaking of that, like, I I've been I've been rewatching the last dance actually right now because, again, I I watch it once a year. And he he spoke on that. He was like, yeah. You know, he realized he he reached all the accolades.
JClay:I think Phil told him that. But, you know, you gotta make it available. Trust your teammates. And he was still taking care of himself, but like you said, like, he he started to trust. He started to pour into them, but he first made sure he was tight.
JClay:He made sure
Troy Washington:he was right. And he wanted people to do the same thing for themselves. Like, you got this opportunity. Make sure you're right for you so that we can all be right for each other. Like, you cannot how can you master pleasing someone else if you haven't mastered pleasing you?
Troy Washington:Like, you again, I'm a go back to the point that I've been making in saying that we don't know what people are looking for. Right? But the question is, do you know what you're looking for? Like and and using Jordan as the example, he knew exactly what he wanted. And the the the the reality and the result of that was others being involved.
Troy Washington:Like, he wanted the acknowledgments. He wanted the the money. He wanted the indoor. He wanted all the stuff that he ended up getting, but the thing that he did was him. He was like, I'm I'm go and I'm saying this because I I look at the stuff, and I know you do too.
Troy Washington:Like, I'm gonna be like Kobe, and I'm a go to one spot, and I'm a work on that spot for a hour every day. Just that one spot on the court. I'm going to like, this is where you're gonna not be able to stop me no matter what. And I don't care. Anytime I get the ball, I'm going there, and you're gonna have to make me stop.
Troy Washington:And I'm gonna be so good there that I'm a make everybody around me better because I'm that good. That's when you start to really please people when you please yourself that way. I like it, Jay.
JClay:You touched on the key thing that I think the reason a lot of people make people please that might not want to or in in a sense because they don't know what they want. And so when you don't know what you want, you're you're amazed by those that do. Like, you almost wanna lend yourself to them because like, wow, they're so definite in their purpose. They know exactly what they want out of life. I just wanna be a part of that because maybe it might help me know what I want out of life.
JClay:And so it it's easy to not pay yourself any attention when you're paying everyone else attention, when you're when you're not in touch with yourself. And And so that's one key thing that that needs to be addressed is really getting to know you and what you want. And even taking the time to trial some stuff because you might not know. Like, I I know too. I know a lot of what I want, but there's a lot I still don't know, and I'm still willing to find out.
JClay:And that's part of the fun as well. So that I think that's a a key thing in the whole people pleasing matrix. Know what you want first.
Troy Washington:And then the question that you have to ask yourself is, why not spend that time that you're trying
JClay:I froze on me.
Troy Washington:Bro, this year, I'm a tell you something. My bad. No. I I froze because I actually froze. I wouldn't say nothing.
JClay:But,
Troy Washington:but, one day this year already in 2025, I know it's only 5 or 6 5 days in, I sat down and said, I want to think something all the way through for me. And I wrote out this whole plan, and I wrote that I I I sat down, and I thought for as long as I possibly could the details that I possibly could think of. And then I thought about the details of the details, and I thought about the details of the details of the details. And in me doing that, let's say I probably spent, I don't know, maybe 2 hours, bro. Like because, again, it's only based off the knowledge that I know or know what I know to look up.
Troy Washington:Right? And so I probably spent 2 hours, and I got this fully elaborate detailed plan on how to execute something. Right? And then I think to myself, everything in our life, we can really be that for me. You know what I'm saying?
Troy Washington:We can really be that detailed for ourself, but that's where we feel like there's a short by, not focusing on that and then looking and trying to help other people achieve that too. Again, not knowing what people want, but go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Yeah. Yeah. But, yeah, let's let's let's talk about it because we're talking about how to break free from people pleasing. And so, yeah, like like, again, like writing it out, writing out what you want or just just having something like a general thing, like, okay, I want this for this month. This would be my focus this month.
JClay:This would be my focus for this year or even for today. And so then when people come with all these requests, you can see it through the filter of, does this take me away from doing this or does it add to it? And if it's add to it, it's it's a easy yes. If it takes away from it, let them know. Like, look.
JClay:I got this today. You can help me finish this, and then I can get to this quicker. But if not, you would just have to wait. And any reasonable person should understand that. And if they don't understand that, it's like, well, hey.
JClay:I I can't help you. You're not you're not being reasonable. You're not respecting my time, but you want me to respect your time. And and again, like, you don't have to get mad at somebody. You don't have to resent them.
JClay:It's just as it's just as simple of no as simple as knowing what you want and living your life according to that.
Troy Washington:And and and I also wanna kick a shout out to, people pleasing that actually makes you happy. Because, again, I I think there's a and and I'll give you a an example. Yesterday was was a Saturday. Right?
JClay:Yeah.
Troy Washington:I normally have games every Saturday, every Sunday. Like, we always going. So anytime when we have a Saturday off, it's like Christmas. It's like a it's a celebrate. So, you know, yesterday, we didn't have a game.
Troy Washington:And so one of my kids it's not my kids. 1 of my best friend's sons had a game, and his game just happened to be the furthest that a game could be on that it could be possibly to for me to wanna go to it without having to feel like I gotta go out of town. Right? But it was really, really for a 45 minute drive. I'll stay like that.
Troy Washington:And, this is my day off. I don't really wanna go nowhere, but the thing that I knew for myself was I wanna go to the game because I wanna the kid but I know making the kid happy was ultimately going to make me happy. It made me feel good to be there even though it was my day off, even though I didn't wanna do anything that day. To make him happy was one of the things that actually did make me happy. And so so, again, I feel like it's it's it's simple because it was simply something that I know that would make him happy.
Troy Washington:It was no guesswork. I knew that being at the game would please him. So I wasn't going on a witch hunt to figure something out. Go ahead, Jay.
JClay:So okay. I I assume he was happy to to see you, but what it I'm I'm just curious. What if he wasn't? What if he didn't even care? Like, what if he just didn't even acknowledge you?
JClay:What would would that have changed how you moved in the future? Or would you, you know, would you still have would you have resented the kid? And I know you won't resent the kid, but I'm I'm just you know what I'm trying to ask?
Troy Washington:So so on the flip side of it, and again, I feel like I still would have been happy because I would have got to see him play. Because I, again, I see him play with his team to see how 1st month. I want to see you know, I've coached him. How is he gonna is there anything gonna roll over? Like, I all of that stuff I did want to see.
Troy Washington:But, again, ultimately, the people pleasing part of it is I feel like what got me over the hump. But, again, if he wasn't happy, I still would have been okay.
JClay:That's good. Because I mean because that that's key too. Because again, like, a lot of times we our happiness can rest in someone else, but it shouldn't. But we we allow it to. We say here, hold my happiness right now and make sure you treat it well.
JClay:And then when you don't, I'm mad at you. Like, you you know what I mean? Like, you made me mad, but it's like, no. Like, we we are in control of our own happiness, and we shouldn't place it in places that it has no business being. So the fact that you knew that, you know, this is what I wanted to do because I wanted to do it, and it has the added bonus of of making others feel good too, is gonna make me feel good too.
JClay:So I'm gonna have that added bonus as well.
Troy Washington:On top. Yep. Yep. Yep. But I I I had to throw that out there because I know sometimes, again, in my mind, the way I see it is the 2 different ways.
Troy Washington:I got people pleasing where I'm doing something in the act of not going to please somebody. And, again, a lot of times even in the example that I just gave, you just said, what if he didn't even care that I came? You know, like, we we're doing things, but we're not knowing. And I think that, you know, number 1, if you do wanna get in the act get out of the act of a simple test for yourself would just to be like, hey. What do you expect from this?
Troy Washington:You know, what do you think is gonna happen if I do this? You know, just to see what somebody's idea is. And, again, one of the things I told you, the coach told TJ by lifting expectation to free him from the people pleasing. He said, you can you can miss 64 shots. He said, you can go from 1 for 64.
Troy Washington:I want you to still keep shooting. And, again, having a clear, a clear idea of what expectation is if I'm trying to please somebody, you know, it kinda changes the dynamic of it. But go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Yeah. So I'm trying to think of an example, but do you have an example or anybody watching as an example of a time you said yes to something that you didn't wanna do and you did it, but it didn't it didn't really serve you at all. Like, is there an example of that? I know I have them. It it's just not coming up, right now.
Troy Washington:Bro, anytime I go to a party, anytime I do anything at a club, like, any anytime like and, again, I've done them over the years. Like, anytime anytime that I've gone, I am the most unhappy that I think I possibly could be. Like, I and, again, I I I know that's because of the history of all the things that we've done where, you know, you too many, too many mashed potatoes, and now you don't like the taste of mashed potatoes no more. I just can't stand mashed potatoes no more. But there have been times now where, I've gone to the club with either, you know, my wife and her friends and my friends and their friends, and I'm literally there for the sake of them.
JClay:Yeah.
Troy Washington:Like, I literally just am there. But that that that answers the question. Right? That's what you're asking. Right?
JClay:Yeah. No. That that's what I asked. Now now is there because obviously, you know, you didn't like it. It didn't serve you.
JClay:So you was like, man, I don't wanna do that no more. Is there something you could have done differently in that situation to avoid it? Like like, what would have just saying no sufficed? Would is this something you felt that you just had to go no matter what? So,
Troy Washington:okay. Okay. So here's the deal. I think that maybe the answer was yes at the time that it was yes because because it it's it's something that's happened over time. Right?
Troy Washington:It it it happens at some frequency, which I I don't know what the frequency is. But I would say after I don't do a certain amount of things, then I would do something because I do wanna be connected with these people that do these things. Right? I just don't like to do them. You know what I mean?
Troy Washington:And so, of course, I coulda said no. And do I think our relationships woulda changed if I had not gone to these things? No. I don't think that they would have changed. But just out of the sake of just being a part of what they got going on, I did it.
Troy Washington:Right?
JClay:That makes sense. And and and something came up too recently where well, actually, I can't say that that I didn't want to well, I didn't wanna go, but I didn't I didn't care that I went. It was, I think was in my wife's friend's wedding or something like like weddings and me. I have no business being there. It's why.
JClay:But I went and it was still fun because I I mean, I got to just see how other people interact. Like, I'm always people watching. I'm always fascinated by the choices certain people make at certain times. So it's it's not regrettable, but it's not. It wasn't going out of my way.
JClay:But but there are certain things that I know when asked asked at that time is like, nah. I'm I'm I'm quick to say no, like, so quick. They're like, man, you didn't hear me out. I can't do it right now. Like, you want me to do it today?
JClay:I can't do it today. If it's if it's a couple weeks, I got you. And it's it's it's knowing when to say no to people.
Troy Washington:Oh, and and so don't get me wrong. There are there are some things that are just an automatic no.
JClay:Yeah.
Troy Washington:Like, it doesn't mat like, it's again, and I'm telling you, in the club, I I do not like the club, bro. I I just it's a place that so you you asked earlier. You said that there are things that I could have done. Aside from saying no, are there things that I could have done while I was there? Well, there have been things that I've tried to do while I was there, and each time I go, I might try something different because I'm trying to get over whatever the hump is in it.
Troy Washington:But, no, I haven't found anything because in my mind, I've I've been served as much as I can be served in those places. You know? I I I just look at it completely different. Again, I could change my mindset, but the problem in that is that I don't wanna change my mindset because I've already had a mindset for that space. I don't go back again.
Troy Washington:And so it's just kinda one of those, you know, catch 22 for me when it comes to being in the club. It's just using that as the example.
JClay:So okay. How how could people possibly handle the pushback? Because in some instances, they might not wanna say no. They might not wanna say, you know, I'm I'm not available to do this right now because, you know, people like, like, what's wrong? I did this for you.
JClay:Remember that time when someone so so and so like is there a an easy way to handle it? Is it or could we just be making this thing bigger in our mind thinking that we have to say yes or it's gonna be massive pushback or us feeling indebted to other people that we have to do certain things?
Troy Washington:I think the I think the answer to that is to trust that the people that you're saying no to are gonna still see you as you at the end of it all. And I think that's pretty much what it boiled down to. And I'm I'm gonna give you a real life scenario because this this is, again, something that happens to me over and over again. At this party that we just had, you know, the family gathering, I don't drink. Just FYI.
Troy Washington:Now when I say I don't drink, I say that tightly and loosely at the same time. So what I mean by by that is I probably drink something once a year or twice a year, if that. And that's only for people pleasing my wife. That's the only reason. That's number 1.
Troy Washington:Right? But other than that, I will not drink. So at the party, everybody knows that I don't drink. Everybody know I'm not drink everybody is not no secret because it's just you just know. Right?
Troy Washington:But throughout the party, every so often, somebody comes and say, hey. Go ahead and hit this shot, Troy. Like, it happens all the time. Like and I'm telling every single person, no. No.
Troy Washington:No. And then and and, again, I can say, man, if I don't do this, they're gonna think this. Or if I don't do this, this is gonna happen. But I just the party, they do the one big shot that you gotta take this. This is what we all in, like, gets on and popping.
Troy Washington:And they look at me and some people saying no with me, and some people still trying to push it, but I'm just I mean, no. I'm not doing that because I trust that regardless of what's gonna happen are really what's pleasing to them. The most pleasing thing to them is me continuing to be who I am. And me trusting that is the reason why I'm able to free myself from AJ.
JClay:I love that. And yeah. And, again, they they they know you. For them being willing to ask you, they should be willing to accept your answer, which is key. One method that I use always, even in that situation well, I mean, because a lot of times people know I'm not gonna drink either.
JClay:I'm I'm I'm not a drinker. I'm not gonna be taking shots. I might drink once every 2 years, like on an anniversary trip for for, like, one dinner, but that's it. But, anyway, oh, okay. The words, oh, okay, will get you through so many things.
JClay:I remember as, as a young intern, somebody came to me that wasn't my boss. I was like, hey. I need you to do this thing. Oh, okay. Never did it.
JClay:Never heard from him again. I don't know. Like, who are you? I'm not gonna actually do anything. But the same thing with shots.
JClay:Like like like let's say, man, get get Jelani a shot. Get J. Clay a shot. They give me a shot. Oh, okay.
JClay:And Everybody say shot. Like, where you at? I'm like, I'm I'm about to. Just give me give me a second. And then somebody else, like, man, give me the shot.
JClay:Yeah. Just take it. Like, again, like, when once you make your stance known, if others don't accept it, it's alright. All you gotta do is just say, oh, okay. You don't gotta go back and forth.
JClay:You don't gotta argue with nobody. You don't gotta you don't gotta be mad at them. They don't gotta be mad at you. Oh, okay. And and that's it.
JClay:And and it it it will get you through so even even at work for certain things that, like my boss even asked me to do. And beforehand, like, man, I don't need to work on this project. I'm telling you, like, I'm not a good fit. I could do a lot more good on this project over here. You're like, no.
JClay:I'm telling you. Oh, okay. And never got done. Somebody has put it in Slack. Everything got everything worked out.
JClay:But, but yeah, go ahead.
Troy Washington:Well, you you hit that mug, though. I can't even lie to you. That boy said, hey. I need this done. He said, oh, okay.
Troy Washington:I never he I never seen him ever again. Now that's funny, though. But but but for real, though, again, that even goes to the point of saying, when you're people pleasing, you don't know what the other people are expecting from you. You're you're you're guessing. And the reason why you should know that is because you don't know what you want from you.
Troy Washington:At what point imagine you're you're trying to be so intricate and detailed and get everything that this person wants, but you don't have intricacies and the detail that you have for yourself for you to get what you want. And, like, you just cannot play that trick on yourself. And, again, I'm not saying in my mind, at least that's the way that I'm hearing it. It's it it it it appears to me that I'm saying, like, don't go around and be happy around people. You know what I'm saying?
Troy Washington:Like, don't go around and, if somebody asks you to do something, you know, say yes to them or, you know, but, again, I think that a part of it is, do you really wanna do something? That's number 1. Like, are you doing things that you don't really wanna do? Do you expect other people to do things that they really don't wanna do? Like, you don't know, but do you expect them?
Troy Washington:How do you feel about it? Why can't they feel the way that you feel about it? Is it okay? Do you feel like it's okay if you feel the way that you feel about it? What do you think that they will feel it's okay?
Troy Washington:Would you stop associating yourself with this person if they didn't, you know, would you know, would give them the same grace. And, again, that doesn't mean that you're gonna have the outcome. The the idea here is breaking yourself free from the prison of it all. Because if you can recognize that they're just like you, then you can also recognize that they can forgive if there is something negative gonna come from it or that they'll be okay just because they're okay. And then when you talk about breaking free and creating something or being the creator that you are and giving some to something that's gonna please somebody, that's when you get to tap into that.
Troy Washington:Go ahead, Jay.
JClay:Yeah. And you made me think about too. So so earlier, we were saying, how knowing what you want makes a difference because you you're not you're not willing to just give up all your time and stuff, for things that are against what you want when you know what you want. But there's another part of that too is trusting that what you want is valid. A lot of times people might you know, they they they lessen themselves in their own eyes.
JClay:They think, yeah. I want this, but it's not as great as this other cause that this person wants. Like, you know, perfect mode. They're doing this thing to to help, you know, enrich people and, like, everything is valid. Everything is valid.
JClay:So because you want it, they put here's a good way to look at it. Like, we always want the higher power or or God. We want God to help us achieve our goals. But the thing is the the the passion for the goal, that's god given. Like, the, like, talent, anybody can learn any kind of skills, but that passion for the goal is god given.
JClay:So it's like you already helped by god by god saying here, I'm a give you this passion to want this to happen. So so I say that whatever you desire on any level, it's supported. It's valid. Go after it. And it'll make it easier for you not to just people, please, unnecessarily.
Troy Washington:Bro, so the the thing that I again, the question that you gotta ask yourself and and, again, you're 100. Like, you hit that mug, dawg. The question that you gotta ask yourself is how can anybody invalidate what you want? Like, it's what you want. Like, it it it it it's literally what you what you want.
Troy Washington:And, like, how can anybody get in like, I it's it's something that's beyond me, number 1. You know what I'm saying? And, again, this is one of those reasons, again, that I love having kids because I get to see a lot of this stuff real time because you can't always recognize it when it's happening to you. But my kids, bro, like, I tell them all the time. Well, number 1, I always ask them all the time, what is it that you want?
Troy Washington:And they they continue to tell me the same thing, NBA. Now, again, there's a a there's a part of us that has bought into what society has taught us, which is the invalidation. Right? So I can easily say, well, hey, son. Guess what?
Troy Washington:Your dad's only 510, and this is big as my body's ever been. And if you just look at the eyes and there's so much that that could that could come out of me to start to invalidate him and chip away at the armor that he has on. But what I get to do is tell him over and over again. You see how you wanna go to the NBA, but every and everything around you is helping you get there. Like, you got a dad that's out here with you all the time.
Troy Washington:You got a little brother to talk noise to you to help you block out the you got you know, like, when he shoots free throws, Brody over there screaming at him, and I'm like, well, just ignore him. It's gonna happen in the games. You know, you got everything working in your favor to get you to where you gotta go. You just go. And, again, it just it just it it's apparent to me where it starts from.
Troy Washington:It's apparent to me how we hold on in in the action and everything that's going on with my son. I can feel everything else tugging inside of me to say the the opposite. But go ahead, Jay.
JClay:I I I love that, especially because we don't realize how much what we see as an opposition is actually helping us. And I love that you're pointing that out to them. And whenever you hear, you know, people that that society being successful speaking about their story, they're saying how much they love the failures just as much as they fit, love the successes because it helped them to succeed. It helped them to discern what they really want. Like, you you may think you want something, but unless you have that opposition saying, do you really want this or will you turn away immediately?
JClay:Like, that that all it all goes into this nice concoction of what you want of of living your dream life. So I love that. Like like, yeah. Figure out what you want. Stick to it if you really want if you really want it.
JClay:If you don't anymore, it's cool. Then go attach yourself to what it is you want next. And just trust the whole process and people please if it's in alignment with the life that you want, and the way that you want. But don't don't give them your happiness to to serve for their needs. You know?
JClay:Like, keep your happiness as your own. But yeah.
Troy Washington:And and and and, again, to that, I say that when you do that, when you when you please yourself, you end up pleasing people. When you do it to the best of your capabilities, number 1. Because then that and that's the reason why I like the Michael Jordan analogy is, again, nobody looks at Jordan as a past first person. Nobody. But Jordan has some of the biggest passing moments in basketball history.
Troy Washington:Like, the big some of the biggest ones that have won championships.
JClay:Yeah.
Troy Washington:And who would have thought that me being the best version of myself would have would have created that opportunity for somebody else? You know what I'm saying? We don't know what Steve we didn't know we don't know Steve Kerr wanted to hit a game winner, but a part of his goal in life could have been, I just need to hit 1 game winner. Right? So all I need to do is please myself by shooting as many shots as I possibly can, and, eventually, I'm gonna get there.
Troy Washington:But everybody had different goals. Jordan went trying to help him hit all the threes that he possibly could. He didn't. He just tried to hit as many twos as he possibly could. You know what I mean?
Troy Washington:And so I think that when you're serving yourself and, again, I'm saying this from the standpoint of what we've all agreed upon to be, goodness, love. Right? I know it's different, but for for others but for for the people that I'm talking to, when I say serving yourself, this doesn't mean neglect of others. This doesn't mean that we're walking around and saying that nobody else matters. That's not what I'm saying.
Troy Washington:I'm saying that making yourself pleasing yourself, putting yourself in its, a function and in it in your in your top form or whatever that equates to, you end up breaking free from the prison of people pleasing and actually pleasing people in a way that's pleasing to you.
JClay:Yeah. And so as we as we draw near the close the closing of this, was one way everybody watching was one way you're going to stop people pleasing this week. And again, you know, and there's a stipulation with that. Like Troy just said. All people pleasing isn't wrong.
JClay:Like but in the way where it it does not serve you. What's one way you're going to stop people pleasing this week?
Troy Washington:Well, well, I'll say this, and I know this is to everybody. But one thing that I know that I could do is sometimes do a deeper dive to see if something is serving me. Because sometimes you can be shut off at the root. You can just be shut off at the at the very beginning and be like, you know what? I I nothing.
Troy Washington:Right? But that that also goes into being, doing a deeper dive within yourself to say what things that you're shutting off from yourself and why. And so I think just doing a deeper dive on, some things that I feel that are not serving to me, to see if there's a way that they can serve me.
JClay:Yeah. So yeah. So I I appreciate everyone that that's rocking with us today on this, topic of breaking free from the prison of people pleasing. If you enjoyed this, hit that like button, share, subscribe, send it to people that you know. Like, hey.
JClay:You you you might need to chill on people pleasing right now. You need to watch this and and get your life together. Not but not, you know, not not that your life is in this array, but you know what I'm saying. And, yeah, and check that link that's in the description so you can see our upcoming topics for next week, which is let me pull this up real quick. Go ahead, Troy, while I pull it up.
Troy Washington:Yeah. And I and I just want to add to it real quick. Just just remember that nobody can invalidate what it is that you want. That doesn't mean that people are gonna be in agreeance for what you want what you want, but invalidate it. And just because you do what you want, does it you cannot describe it as non people pleasing because I think other people's joy, just like our own, is to please other people.
Troy Washington:Our other people's greatest joy is to see you happy as well. So those times when you tell people no or you decide to do your thing, if you are if you are truly joyous in your decision, I promise you that the majority of people are gonna be happy for you. They're gonna remember that. They're gonna remember you chasing their joy your your joy, and they're also going to learn from that. You're gonna create that same pathway for others if they don't already see it.
Troy Washington:But go ahead, Jay. You was gonna
JClay:say something. Well yeah. Yeah. And and just to add to what you said real quick, everybody loves a happy person. Like, it it just does.
JClay:Everybody wants to be around a happy person, and everybody wants to to join in and be a part of what happy people are doing. And so when you when you make that switch, people will people will then start asking you stuff that's aligned with what you want. So, again, don't even take it personal when people ask you stuff that that's not aligned. It's just to get you to see what you really want, what you should do. And next week's topic is why forgiveness is the shortcut to everything you ever wanted.
JClay:But go ahead.
Troy Washington:Man, I I was gonna start the show right now. Let me tell you about this forgiveness, baby. No. But but but but real talk, I I again, I know we're at the end, but I just I just want to reiterate. And I'm saying this because I've been plagued with it myself.
Troy Washington:I've also, like I said at the very beginning, I've been a prisoner to what even when I decided to do something for someone, being a prisoner to what I felt like the outcome should be, and it caused me to do things in out of order. And so, you know, I just encourage everybody to when you decide to say yes, do it your way. That's what they were asking for anyway. They weren't asking for you to do it their way. And when you decide to say no, do it your way because that's what everybody wants to see anyway.
Troy Washington:You know, that's why I try to teach my kids, and the reason why I do that is because I wanted to reflect on me, just to remember to myself to do it my way, and my way is okay. And, you know, that's pretty much the premise of the show all the time is for you to remember that you are perfect. And the only reason that you think us wise is because you're looking at other people, seeing the way that they move, the way that they do it, and and and, judging and critiquing yourself in in an unfair light because the reality is the life that they live, you haven't lived. And every step that you've taken has been along a pathway that only you've been able to walk. And so because of that, you gotta remember that, you know, your way is the right way.
Troy Washington:It is it. But, but, Jay, you can go ahead and take us out. Yeah.
JClay:You'd like to Remember that you are perfect
Troy Washington:oh, go ahead. No. My bad. Go ahead.
JClay:Remember that you're a perfect creation made by a perfect creator, so you might as well accept your perfection and enter perfect mode. Yeah. If I reminded you that you are perfect, would you argue me down or step into your perfection perfection? Welcome to perfect welcome to perfect where there are no excuses, no expectations, and we explore the world without limitations. I'm Jay Clay, rapper, and spiritual teacher.
JClay:With my co host Troy Washington, your friendly neighborhood realtor. Let's be real. So let's be perfect. Let's be perfect. Perfect.
JClay:Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect.