Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
What comes to mind when you think about your father? Is it joy, pain, or indifference? Whatever it is, it can reveal deeper wounds that still affect you today. In this journey of healing, Zach Garza invites you to explore topics like generational sin, emotional scars, and the transformative power of forgiveness through the lens of his own story of growing up without a father in the home. By confronting the past, you'll discover how to break free, embrace your true identity, and experience the unconditional love of God.
Chapter 10, the questions. A question can easily feel like a threat. During the course of any self improvement process or journey to freedom, questions will invariably arise. Without good answers, these questions can feel threatening or induce doubt and discouragement. As I began to identify my father wounds, forgive those who hurt me, and take action, questions popped up.
Speaker 1:Sure. I was armed with the desire to do whatever I had to do to heal. I had mentors and help, but there were still doubt driven questions that I needed to confront along the way. In fact, the very first question in the Bible was posed by Satan and worked solely to sow seeds of doubt in the minds of Adam and Eve. The father of lies has been sowing those same seeds of doubt in our lives ever since, as we talked about in chapter five.
Speaker 1:As I have matured into the man that God created me to be, I've identified some questions that only show up once in a while and others that seem to show up in nearly every decision I make. In pondering them yourself, they might help you discover the why behind the things you pursue, the actions you take, and the words you say. Bear in mind, not all of these lies will apply to all people. However, the end goal of all of the enemy's lies is universal, doubting yourself and doubting God. Question one, do I have what it takes to succeed?
Speaker 1:No one likes failing. It's uncomfortable and gives the enemy an opportunity to toss a ton of lies your way. But when you are trying to figure out this thing called life on your own, you are going to make plenty of mistakes and experience lots of failures. For the longest time, my mindset orbited around avoiding failure. I thought if I failed, no one would love me, which caused me to never take risks or put myself out there.
Speaker 1:I didn't believe I could succeed. I thought I was destined to be a failure, and everyone would desert me when they found out I wasn't any good. Even for children who come from ideal homes, becoming an adult is difficult. Transition is hard to navigate, even with support and love. Children need to hear that they have what it takes to succeed in life.
Speaker 1:This encouragement helps them endure, persevere, and get back up when they fall. When a person doesn't have that outside encouragement, they are left to question whether or not they can pull it off. Insecurity takes hold as they are not sure they have the tools or strength to make this journey alone. The lies come. You're too dumb to graduate or get a good job, or why would you even try to do that?
Speaker 1:What makes you think you'd be any good? The purpose of this question is for you to doubt yourself and never try to fulfill your potential out of fear of failure. When this happens, one of two scenarios usually play out. Either the person pretends they have what it takes while being too scared to admit they need help, or they don't know what to do, and they shut down to avoid trying altogether. In this, they have already determined they don't have what it takes to succeed.
Speaker 1:I have experienced both of these scenarios. I can't tell you how many times at work, at home, or at school I neglected to ask for help because I was too prideful to admit I didn't know how to do something. I've done the opposite as well. I didn't put forth effort in college so that I would have an excuse when I failed my classes. If I tried and failed, it would be unbearable.
Speaker 1:But if I failed without ever trying, I could play it cool. I didn't ask a girl to my senior dance because I made myself believe she wouldn't say yes. I failed to pursue promotions at work because I felt in my heart I didn't have what it took to lead a team well. When someone has self directed unbelief, it is a great opportunity to step in and believe in them and for them. Even if a person doesn't think they can do it, the other person's belief in them is sometimes enough for them to keep trying and moving towards success.
Speaker 1:It's been said that to encourage someone is to open up a person's chest and to insert courage. Who is available to install courage in your heart when you lack it on your own? Question two, who is going to help me if I don't know what to do? I've always had a little bit of a short fuse, especially on the basketball court. If someone gets under my skin, I'm prone to overreact and make a fool out of myself.
Speaker 1:That's what happened in the spring of my sophomore year of high school. We were playing pickup basketball after school when some freshman kid started running his mouth. He said something I didn't like, and I punched him in the stomach. He left crying when we finished the game, and I didn't think much of it. That is until his cousin and his friends found me in the halls the next day.
Speaker 1:The cousin looked like a grown man. He had a beard and muscles I didn't even know a student could have. I was a skinny little punk, realizing I had made a huge mistake. This guy grabbed me by the shoulders and slammed me into the lockers. I want you to know that I'm going to get you back for punching my cousin, he said.
Speaker 1:Not today, but soon. I'm coming for you. And he walked away. I didn't know what to do. I knew I was in big trouble as this guy could pound me into the ground without much effort.
Speaker 1:I couldn't turn to my friends because they were terrified of this guy too. I couldn't tell my coaches because then I'd get in trouble for punching a freshman. I had no idea what to do and no one to turn to. Fortunately, nothing serious ever came of it. Feeling lost was a predicament that had a way of following me.
Speaker 1:For instance, it didn't take me long in my marriage to figure out that I had no idea how to be a good husband. A year in, my wife and I were left staring at each other saying, how the heck do we do this thing called marriage? It seemed that daily, I was trying to figure out how to pursue my wife and make her feel loved and valuable. How do we handle conflict, have a healthy sex life, or play in time with the in laws? How can we optimize our communication and compromise where needed?
Speaker 1:It was a challenge to sort through. And just when things couldn't get more complicated, my wife tells me that she's pregnant. Now I have to figure out how to be a good husband and a good father? I had no idea what to do. In every stage of life, we encounter situations where we are clueless.
Speaker 1:In a perfect world, we'd call our father or someone who's a little further down the road of life for advice. But what if we don't have that person to rely upon? We are left to face the issue on our own. There's a strange mixture of emotions when you feel such pressure to figure it out alone. Fear of the failure combined with anger that it shouldn't be this way all come together to create a terrible cocktail of negative emotions.
Speaker 1:No matter how old you are, it does not feel good to be alone. When the enemy isolates you, it is much easier for him to attack you. The feeling of not knowing where to turn for advice can keep you from taking risks and challenging yourself. Perhaps you stick to what you know in your career, or maybe you don't venture too far away from home in regards to where you live. The it's all on me mentality can end the adventure of life before it ever begins.
Speaker 1:Question three, who will show me how to be an adult? During my engagement to my wife, it hit me that I had absolutely no clue how to be an adult or husband for that matter. You have finances and friendships and taxes and time management. Then there are responsibilities, religion, romance, and relationships. And don't even get me started on car, home, and health insurance.
Speaker 1:There's a lot involved in becoming an adult. Any of these issues, along with whatever lie the enemy is telling you, could keep you from pursuing your dreams, starting a career, or entering a marriage to begin with. The fear of failure keeps you stuck. If a young man grows up in a home with a distracted or absent father, who is going to teach him how to become a positive and productive man? Who is going to provide the young woman all that she needs to become a self confident adult full of worth and value?
Speaker 1:If a person doesn't have someone older to teach them how to be an adult, they will learn it from someone, somewhere. Society and culture are more than happy to bear the burden if no one else will. Growing up without a close relationship with my father, I learned how to be a man on my own with some help from TV and my favorite bands. Characters in movies showed me how cool it was to be involved in crime and that drugs weren't a big deal. Rap artists instilled in me that my friends are my family and that they are the only ones I can trust.
Speaker 1:Hollywood taught me how to be a man, and the movies were not a good classroom. Where mentors would normally fill the gap and show me what right living looked like, I was instead tutored by pop culture. Question four. How can I prove to others that I'm enough? If a child's father doesn't tell them they are enough, they will look to the world to answer that question for them.
Speaker 1:I've seen this play out in two different ways. Either the child will prove that they are enough by achievements, or they will yield to the lie that they are not enough, and this behavior can extend well into adulthood. For women, they may try many things to get someone else to tell them that they are enough. Whether it's their boss or the guy at the end of the bar, they will figure out a way to get what they need. For men, Jeffrey Marks and Joe Airman describe the chase to prove yourself in the book, season of life, a football star, a boy, and a journey to manhood.
Speaker 1:From the ball field to the bedroom to the billfold, as a young boy, I'm going to compare my athletic abilities to yours and compete for whatever attention that brings. When I get older, I'm going to compare my girlfriend to yours and compete for whatever status I can acquire by being with the prettiest or the coolest or the best girl I can get. Ultimately, as adults, we compare bank accounts and job titles, houses and cars, and we compete for the amount of security and power those represent. We will even compare our children and compete for some sense of fatherhood and significance attached to their achievements. We compare.
Speaker 1:We compete. That's all we do. It leaves most men feeling isolated and alone. That was me. One of the main lies I believed as a teenager was I don't have what it takes to succeed.
Speaker 1:For about a decade, I worked out and took a ton of weight lifting supplements to have big muscles. I did this for two reasons, to make people think I was tough and manly and to get girls to notice me. I pursued the best looking girls and bragged to all my friends about my dating life. While I've never made a lot of money, I still, to this day, find it tempting to brag about the accomplishments I have achieved to make myself appear smart and successful. For those who are on the other side of the coin, they may disappear into the shadows due to the belief that they are not enough.
Speaker 1:Maybe they distract themselves with television, computers, or movies and numb the pain with everything from video games and eating to drugs and alcohol. Their lack of self confidence leads to laziness, fear, and fantasy. They choose to live in complacency and apathy because this is the safe option. They figure no need to push my luck in trying to improve my situation. Question five, who is going to take care of me?
Speaker 1:This question can have two vastly different answers. I will take care of myself, or I can't do anything myself and need someone to take care of me. As a man growing up in America, there is a belief that men don't need any help and can take care of themselves. As I grew older, I saw that I needed help and couldn't do anything on my own, but I was too scared to ask for help because of my fear of rejection. Asking for help is still extremely difficult for me no matter how old I get.
Speaker 1:We tend to think that taking care of ourselves means not allowing anyone to get close enough to see our actual needs. You might see this way of thinking in your life when you break off romantic relationships early to keep yourself from getting hurt by the other person. Maybe it is the fear of lack, so you hold on to whatever you have tightly and protect it with all your being. Whatever the case, this is a protection mechanism to prevent being hurt or experiencing pain. Your actions are saying, I've been burned once.
Speaker 1:No way I'm ever doing that again. But this goes contrary to our nature as humans. We are not always fine, and our survival depends on others. Alternatively, needing someone else to take care of you at all times is unhealthy as well. I can remember not being able to function if I wasn't hanging out with my friends.
Speaker 1:I wasn't okay with being alone, so I was constantly bugging them to be over at their house or inviting them to go somewhere. This also led to always having to be in a romantic relationship. When I eventually married, this mentality resulted in always requiring time from my wife. I was suffocating those whom I loved the most because the fear of not being taken care of terrified me. The balance we are called to strike is to depend on Jesus, do what we can, and allow ourselves to lean on those he brings into our lives with healthy balance and reciprocation.
Speaker 1:Question six. Why did this happen to me? In high school, I surrounded myself with friends who had the same story as me, like Philip. Philip's father loved about the same time mine did. Philip and I were inseparable.
Speaker 1:I probably spent more time at his house than at my own. While we never really talked about our dads and what happened to our families, we both knew that we shared a common bond of misfortune. Occasionally, we'd broach the topic. One of us would slyly toss out something about our situation, and that would open the floodgates of venting. We really had no one else to process our hurt besides each other.
Speaker 1:One question that we kept landing on was, why did this happen to me? This question causes you to doubt the goodness of God. Although the Bible says that his ways are not our ways and that he can turn ashes into beauty, those words can be hard to hear when you have experienced a lot of trauma or pain at the hands of those who were supposed to love you the most. The worst part about this question is you will never really find out the answer. The uncertainty and lack of answers can lead to more anger and confusion.
Speaker 1:Some people can accept that they will never know the answers to some of life's biggest questions. For others, not knowing drives them mad. Question seven, where am I going to get my emotional needs met? We each have different needs. Some people need a lot of acceptance, which happens when someone is received unconditionally, even when behavior has been imperfect.
Speaker 1:For others, they receive comfort and care through affection or physical touch. Others need to hear the words, I love you and I care about you. Some like to have their accomplishments recognized through appreciation, while others desire affirmation of who they are, not what they've done. In a healthy family, we get those needs met in appropriate ways. But if those needs go unmet, we often turn to this world.
Speaker 1:My primary emotional needs are attention and encouragement. For me, I gained attention by drinking the most at a party or by getting in fights with anyone who looked at me the wrong way. I got affirmation by being the funny guy or the one who wasn't afraid to do what everyone else was afraid of doing. Later, I tried to get my needs met by striving to be the best boyfriend or eventually husband possible, thinking that my efforts would lead to more attention and affirmation. I was begging someone to say, why thank you so much.
Speaker 1:You're the best. Let's go spend time together. Just me and you. The chase to get your needs met often leaves you empty and wanting more. You have a relational deficit and are doing all you can to make up for the lack.
Speaker 1:Question eight. Can I trust people to not leave me or hurt me? Because of my trust issues, I would cut people off at the first sign of them hurting me. I could hold a grudge with the best of them and had no problem losing a friendship over a petty offense. My fear of abandonment created unforgiveness and bitterness, and that cost me a lot of really good relationships.
Speaker 1:But I soon found myself with few friends and lots of enemies. It took me a long time to realize that my distrust was the direct result of my childhood experiences. The pain of abandonment at the hands of your father can ultimately impact every other relationship in your life. The story your wounded heart tells you goes something like this. If you let them in, they will get to know you.
Speaker 1:If they get to know you, they will discover the real you. If they know the real you, they could be disappointed and leave you. If they leave you, they will hurt you. You don't wanna get hurt. The past also creates a false narrative that focuses on the negatives, the what ifs, and the worst case scenarios.
Speaker 1:It can be a self fulfilling prophecy and perpetuates cycles of destruction. Trust, vulnerability, and authenticity, which are the foundations of a healthy relationship, are missing. This false narrative sounds something like this. I was hurt by the most important person in my life. If my own dad hurt me and didn't stick around, why would this person?
Speaker 1:Surely, everyone will leave me eventually. I will self protect, be guarded, and believe the worst. But being on guard, believing the worst, and looking for the worst qualities in the other person hinders relationships. Then when the other person leaves because we are unintentionally pushing them away, we say, see? People always leave because I'm not lovable.
Speaker 1:I knew I couldn't trust them. This continues the cycle of a lack of grace with the shortcomings of others and creates more fear within other relationships. Question nine. Why do I feel the need to be perfect? When someone overreacts to a situation, I call it a $500 reaction to a 5ยข problem.
Speaker 1:I've experienced this many times, but one of the most memorable was during basketball tryouts the year my father left. I viewed basketball as the one thing I excelled in. In my mind, if I excelled at something, then maybe that would give me positive attention, perhaps even for my dad. I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect during the tryout that when I missed an easy layup, I punched a padded wall in frustration. Pain shot through my hand.
Speaker 1:I looked down as my hand immediately started to swell. My hand was broken. The pressure to be perfect caused me to act like a fool when I messed up, and that mistake caused me to miss the entire basketball season that year. If you didn't receive unconditional love or acceptance upon failure, it may lead to a fear of failure. We all mess up from time to time, and every human being wants to know that they are loved for who they are, not for what we do.
Speaker 1:This signals we are good enough and don't have to earn acceptance or love. If someone has never entered into your mess when you failed, you may feel the need to be perfect. Shame and guilt may accompany you every time you don't meet expectations, Even unrealistic expectations, you unknowingly place upon yourself. You believe the only way to be loved is to be perfect, and that is an exhausting way to live. The antidote to this is feeling and knowing that you are enough, Full stop.
Speaker 1:Question 10. Am I lovable? Dovetailing off the last question is this one. It is perhaps the biggest question of them all. Am I worthy of your love?
Speaker 1:Am I still loved for who I am if I fall short or don't meet expectations? Some people will go their entire lives not knowing this answer. They fight their entire lives to feel genuine love. As I entered into marriage, I was so excited because I thought all of my fears and doubts about not being lovable would finally disappear. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Speaker 1:My wife tried her best to love me exactly how I wanted to be loved. She made such incredible efforts to fill up my love tank but found herself constantly falling short. It seemed like nothing she did ever made me feel the love I so desperately wanted. After numerous conversations with many people, we came to the conclusion that I could not receive love because I didn't see myself as being lovable. My actions were sabotaging the one thing I wanted most.
Speaker 1:As mentioned, I had a hard time receiving love due to the fact that I never felt it as a child. My mom did the best she could in raising me. I'm sure she told me she loved me many times, but I didn't hear it, and I definitely didn't feel it. To this day, I find it extremely difficult to believe that someone loves me for me and not for what I do. Someone can be doing their best to love you, and yet you still might not feel loved.
Speaker 1:It's as though your father wound has created a callus that not only protects you from what you perceive as bad, but also insulates you from the good. The same shield that blocks you from pain is blocking you from love. The job of a father is not to just love his children, but also to make sure they know and feel that he loves them. Words matter, and people will need to hear the words, I love you. Question 11.
Speaker 1:Does God truly love me? I've always had a hard time sitting still in church as a child. Much to the dismay of the elders, I liked to talk and enjoyed hanging out with my friends during bible class. The same thing happened almost every Sunday. The teacher would give me a warning.
Speaker 1:The teacher would send me out of the class, and then an elder would lecture me about why my actions were unacceptable. The lectures always ended with the same sentences. Why can't you just be more like? This left me feeling like I wasn't good enough to be at church. And if I'm not good enough for church, then what did God think of me?
Speaker 1:When I thought of God in heaven looking down at me, all I could picture was this gray haired, bearded man sitting in a massive chair, shaking his head in disappointment. How could he love me when I couldn't even sit still in church? Why on earth would he spend time with someone like me? I started to believe the enemy's lies that if only I was like the other Christians, God would love me. This led to rotten fruit in my life.
Speaker 1:The moment after I had given into sin were always the worst. I was wallowing in shame, guilt, and self hatred. I believed this was who I was, a loser who can never get it right. It's no wonder I hated myself. Why would a God who loves me allow me to go through what I went through?
Speaker 1:How could he say that he's a good father when I was experiencing so much pain? If God truly did love me, it's easy to believe that all of this would have been avoided. Truth is the answers to those questions can reveal a great deal about your heart and what you believe about yourself. The questions you ask yourself aren't necessarily bad, but the power is in the answers to those questions. Are the answers to those questions negative or positive?
Speaker 1:Do they build you up or tear you down? Are you seeing yourself how God sees you when you look in the mirror, or do you see something different? The answers directly impact your everyday life. Your heart is the wellspring of life, like it says in Proverbs four twenty. Satan wants to use these questions and the doubts they produce to poison your heart.
Speaker 1:He wants to make sure that you see the worst version of yourself and believe nothing but lies. At the end of the day, many of these doubt riddled questions can be dismissed with the eternally optimistic word of God. Do I have what it takes to succeed? As a matter of fact, with God on my side, I don't have what it takes to fail. Because, frankly, even if I fall short, God will pick me up and bridge the gaps.
Speaker 1:How can I prove to others that I'm enough? Wrong question. Why would I need to prove anything to anybody considering Jesus proved my value on the cross? Why did this happen to me? Being the victim of trauma can set us up to live a life of victimhood if we're not careful.
Speaker 1:In this, we ask why bad things happen to us and never ever regard the good things that do. If a question does not produce life, then it's not worth dwelling upon. As you can see, many of the questions in this chapter are rooted in a negative mental framework. By renewing the mind and basking in the positivity of God's plan, these questions are no longer threats but opportunities to see God's goodness play out in our journey. Tell me, which of the questions in this chapter do you most relate to?
Speaker 1:Name a time or an experience that caused that question to be asked. Many of the questions that pop up for people are related to self doubt. What situations have caused you to doubt yourself? What is God's take on that?