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Host Candace Dellacona welcomes Christy Byrne Yates—author, psychologist, and former podcaster—to discuss her book, "Building a Legacy of Love: Thriving in the Sandwich Generation" and the realities of caring for aging parents while raising children. They discuss how caregiving often begins subtly, why many people don’t identify as caregivers, setting communication rules, asking for specific help, “ruthless self-care,” and recognizing grief throughout the caregiving process.
- (00:00) - Welcome and Guest Intro
- (00:43) - Why the Sandwich Generation Matters
- (01:53) - Christy’s Caregiving Story
- (05:06) - Feeling Stuck in the Middle
- (06:05) - Claiming the Caregiver Role
- (09:17) - Starting the Hard Conversations
- (12:58) - Aligning Expectations and Boundaries
- (16:10) - Asking for Help and Delegating
- (22:41) - Planning for the Long Haul
- (24:22) - Ruthless Self Care
- (26:44) - Raising Capable Compassionate Kids
- (28:06) - Grief and Finding Support
- (31:18) - Final Takeaways and Book Information
To learn more about Christy and to purchase her book, visit https://www.christyyates.com/
Follow Christy Byrne Yates on social media:
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/ChristyByrneYates
LinkedIn - https://www.linkedin.com/in/christybyates/
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/christybyates/
YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@christyyates
Creators and Guests
What is The Sandwich Generation Survival Guide?
Welcome to The Sandwich Generation Survival Guide, where we explore the challenges and strategies of navigating life caught between work demands and supporting our loved ones while maintaining our own well-being. Join us in this dynamic podcast series as we uncover the complexities individuals face balancing multiple roles in the modern world. Our host, Candace Dellacona, shares personal experiences and professional insights to guide listeners through this complex journey.
Candace Dellacona: Welcome to the
Sandwich Generation Survival Guide.
I am your host, Candace Dellacona.
I am delighted today to welcome
Christy Byrne Yates, an author, former
podcaster, psychologist, and she was
my co-host at a recent panel, and I had
the opportunity to hear Christy speak,
and I am so happy to have her on the
Sandwich Generation Survival Guide.
For all of our listeners, welcome Christy.
Christy Byrne Yates: Well, thank you.
It's great to be.
Back together again.
Candace Dellacona: Yeah, we're
sort of like a roadshow here.
Christy Byrne Yates: That's right.
It was fun.
Candace Dellacona: Yeah, absolutely.
So, Christie, I was so happy to have
gotten the opportunity to get to
know you and understand your mission.
As I mentioned at the top, you are an
author and the name of your book is
Building a Legacy of Love, Thriving In,
you guessed it, the Sandwich Generation.
Our favorite topic around here.
Christy Byrne Yates: Yeah, absolutely.
It is a, it's certainly one
that's very popular right now.
Candace Dellacona: Isn't it though?
I think the statistics
are pretty startling.
You and I have had conversations about
the fact that we think the statistics
are even under reported at this
point, but I think what the latest
numbers are, at least one in four.
Isn't that right?
Christy Byrne Yates: Yeah, I'm very,
yes, absolutely and I definitely
think it's under reported.
A lot of people don't even think
of themselves as caregivers, and
yet they're doing all the things.
Candace Dellacona: Yeah,
so let's get into it.
Christie, tell us a little bit about your
background and how you got here to write
this amazing book that essentially can
serve as really a blueprint for those
of us trying to make it through the
sandwich generation, not just surviving.
Thriving.
So how did you get here?
Christy Byrne Yates: Yeah, good question.
Just like most people do, right?
So I was working, raising my kids
with my husband, having a great time.
We lived about five minutes away from my
parents here in Sacramento, California.
And we did a lot with them.
And then suddenly it went from them
doing a lot for us in terms of free
babysitting and things like that
to, oh, can you help us with this?
Or, oh, how about, and we're
doing little bits by little bit.
And suddenly it was, we
were doing a whole lot more.
And it was clear that there was
something, I mean, they were getting
older and there were things going
on and they had medical issues.
And then one thing led to the other
and we were doing a lot of caretaking.
And so when that happened, it was a
matter of connecting myself with, my
parents had done something that I think
a lot, the reason I wrote the book and
called it Building a Legacy of Love, is
that they gave my siblings and I a gift.
My siblings lived far away, so I was,
you know, the lucky person next door.
Right?
But.
They had already met with someone
like you, an estate planner.
They had a financial planner, so
they had a lot of things in place.
So they literally, I had a
blueprint like this, was I knew
what their end of life wishes were.
I knew what they needed.
I knew that they had managed their
money well enough that I didn't
have to keep contributing to their
bottom line, which is not the norm.
A lot of people in the sandwich generation
are caring for people and contributing
to their bottom line financially.
Upwards of like a
thousand dollars a month.
That's a lot of money for a family
who might be struggling, right?
So my parents had taken care of that.
So those are the things that I think
came to be very helpful for me that my
parents had put some things together,
but they both passed away in 2015.
Both of them did eventually
have some level of dementia.
My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.
My dad had vascular dementia.
And um, after I went back to
work, I took a little time off.
Oh, I can't tell you Candace, how many
people were coming up to me saying,
Hey, what do you do about this?
Hey, what do you do about that?
Or, I'm in that situation now and I just
realized we're not talking a lot about
this and that there's something going on.
So as a way really to process everything
I'd gone through again, thinking like a
psychologist, I gotta write this down.
I gotta think about what I did.
I gotta think about what's,
how did I survive this?
And I didn't always survive it
with all the grace I wish I'd had.
There were times when I was just,
I was, really frazzled and I had a
demanding job as a school psychologist,
so there was a lot going on.
And that's what I started to find
as I began talking to other people
is this is a really hard thing.
And we don't talk enough about it.
We don't talk enough about end of life.
But also for me, I looked at how
did it impact me as a parent?
Like how did I end up
showing up for my kids?
And when I kind of got clued into,
Hey, I'm training them for when
they're gonna be caring for me.
Candace Dellacona: Yeah.
And modeling.
One of the anecdotes you shared
in the book, that is something
that no one can prepare for is the
feeling of being stuck in between.
And you talked about a scenario
where your mom ended up in the
hospital and you really wanted
to bring your son to college.
Christy Byrne Yates: Yeah.
Candace Dellacona: And you are faced with
the impossible choice of where to be.
There's only one of you, this is
a momentous occasion for your son.
You wanted to be there as his mom.
You wanted to be a good
daughter for your mom.
And so I think, you writing a
book like this to share that,
look, we're all in it together.
None of us are going to come out unscathed
and even the greatest plan, and I'm
so happy to know that your parents
really did a great job at providing
you and your siblings with a roadmap.
But there are these occasions where
you're stuck and the feeling of being
in the sandwich is really palpable.
Christy Byrne Yates: Right, right.
Candace Dellacona: One of the things
that I love that you talked about
was the first step is identifying
yourself and calling it for what it is.
Can you share a little bit about that?
Christy Byrne Yates: Yeah, absolutely.
I think, as I said, these little
things start to happen and we do one
thing, we do another thing, and we
think they're just one-offs, right?
Okay, I'm gonna help my mom with,
her email is driving her crazy or
other, some other little thing, but.
Once you start doing a little bit more
for someone, especially things that
you're thinking, well, this is weird.
They used to be able to do these things
or even just, just, you're doing a lot.
You have to take a step back and
say, okay what's going on here?
And let me look at the big picture.
And when you can claim yourself and
you make a conscious choice to be a
caregiver, then you can start shaping
strategies and boundaries even.
Like, how much can I do?
What, where am I gonna
pull from this time?
I've got time for my kids, time for my
husband, time for my job, and now my
parents have gotta fit them in that.
And, but it, but if you don't get ahead
of it and really consciously choose to
be a caregiver, it's like a landslide
and you cannot get in front of it.
And so I think it is important
to consciously choose.
And that also helps you to
look at your own values.
What's most important to me?
And like the scenario you talked
about where my mom was in the
hospital and we were going to, we
were set to take our son to college.
You know, that was a heartbreaking
situation that I never wanted to be in.
But I had a North Star and my North Star
was what kind of parent do I wanna be?
That was really important and it didn't
mean I didn't wanna be a good daughter.
It just meant I have to really weigh
these things and it's important
to know what your North Star is.
What's your value?
Where are you?
There will be times when you
have to make tough choices.
So really getting in touch
with that is important.
So that's the psychologist in me
that kind of feels like you have
to process this stuff a little bit.
You can't just.
You can't just wait for it to happen and
make a decision without any kind of plan.
Candace Dellacona: Yeah, you're so right.
I think too, while you were talking,
I was thinking about why those of us
in the sandwich generation have a hard
time calling it what it is and saying
I'm a caregiver is because the slide
between your parents being the ones
that are helping you as you point out,
like with caregiving, providing those
date night, babysitting gigs, or having
sleepovers with your kids or helping you
run errands if you're working full-time.
And that shift from a parent
being helpful to one that adds
to your plate can happen subtly.
And I think because it happens over
time and there's a slow progression,
a lot of us find ourselves here like
feeling all of a sudden, even though
if you look backwards, probably
we could all see where it starts.
And I love what you're saying too
about, your North Star and figuring
out what your guiding principles are.
So what's your best advice for those
of our listeners who are maybe a little
younger than you and me and have littles
at home, and they're starting to have sort
of an increased level of responsibility
or demand on their time for aging parents,
how do, how did they set their North
Star and lay down the ground rules?
Christy Byrne Yates: Yeah,
I, that is so important.
And that's another reason why I wrote
the book was to give people a heads up.
And I think, again, as I said at
the top, my parents gave me the
gift of having made some plans, so
I didn't have to talk to them about
having these difficult conversations.
But to anyone out there right now,
whatever age your parents are right
now, they're going to keep aging.
Just like your kids are and just like
you are, we're all growing up, right?
So have those conversations now, and
you can have them more than one time.
They're not, again, they're not like
one and done, but start talking about
this because not talking about it
doesn't make it not happen, right?
People
Candace Dellacona: Yeah.
So when you say start talking about
it, are you talking about saying to mom
and dad, how or where do you wanna be?
And how are we gonna pay for it?
What are the questions that we should
be asking to start the conversation?
Christy Byrne Yates: Yeah.
And it's hard to, it's hard to
talk about what do you want, what
do you want to happen, mom and
dad when you're ready to die?
Maybe that's not where you start, right?
You start maybe
Candace Dellacona: that's, yeah.
Christy Byrne Yates:
What's important to you?
Can you tell me a little bit about,
maybe you talk about, hey, when
your parents were older, what were
some of the things that you learned?
Help me understand what
was important to you.
Do you, did you take care of your
grandparents or did your mom and dad what?
What's important to you
right now, mom and dad?
What's, what are the things that really
feed your soul that I need to know about?
But, let's also look at the future.
What are you gonna need from us?
And and what are your plans and do
you have the things you need in place?
How can I be of service to you right now?
Or all of those kinds of things.
They can be slow conversations that
you talk about at different times, but
I like to also talk about 'em as how
do you wanna live your life, right?
What's important that's where
you get to those value questions.
And you can think about
them for yourself too.
Even though you may have littles,
you gotta think about them too.
Anything can happen unfortunately,
and we need to always be ready to have
some sort of insurance or plan for our
kids and that, those are the kinds of
conversations that I think are important.
But if you approach them, as I wanna
get to know you, and I wanna know
what's important to you and where
you see me as a person in your life.
Candace Dellacona: Yeah.
Christy Byrne Yates: Then you can start
to have those things and then you listen.
You don't wanna wait till your parents
are much older and you don't even
know if they have a will or something.
God forbid they don't.
Those are things that you know
better than I do, but you can't
wait till the last minute on most of
those, you have to have some plan.
Candace Dellacona: And it's funny that
you bring that up because obviously as
a lawyer I always go to the documents
and think about things like what's
in place and what I hear a lot from
clients and even from my friends who
are dealing with it for their own
parents or their aging loved ones, is
starting the conversation doesn't mean
that you are taking away their agency.
And I try to say it's essentially
trying to lay the groundwork so
that they maintain control by
making those decisions in advance.
But what I have seen, and I don't
know if you can provide us with any
advice, is a disconnect sometimes
between a parent or aging loved one's
expectation of what you'll be able
to do and what is actually realistic.
So when you see a disconnect and you're
helping a sandwich generation member
through, what is your word of advice?
Dealing with people that are just
not on the same page and trying
to get them on the same page.
Christy Byrne Yates: Right.
And I see that happening a lot
especially when we're talking
about some end of life wishes.
Like, what do you want to happen?
And sometimes I might hear that an older
person might be saying it doesn't matter.
I won't be around.
So you do whatever you want.
And I think in those times,
maybe the response is I get that.
I get that.
It's really hard to think about.
I can't imagine it.
On the other hand, what's really important
to me is that I know what your values
are and your wishes are, because at
the end, I just wanna be able to hold
your hand and be with you and help you.
I don't wanna be thinking about all
the business I have to take care of
afterwards and all the decisions.
That's a lot, and I just would
rather be able to be with you.
So there's something I need in
this relationship, mom or dad.
And you know, Candace, the other thing
about this is, I talk about this as
if it's just normal and natural and
you can do it, but there are a lot of
taboos around this culturally, society,
societal, and there's also, there are
people caring for relatives that they
may not have a great relationship with.
And so those can really complicate the
ability to have some of these discussions.
And that's why I think about, in yourself
be clear about what some of your values
are and how much you will do and how much,
and you can always change that, right?
In terms of how much you will do.
You might start off saying I'm only
gonna visit them once a week, or
I'll check in on them once a week.
And then maybe you realize,
eh, it might need to be more.
But there's also a time when
you might say I can't do more.
This is where this is as much as I can do.
That's okay.
Forgive yourself for the fact that
you cannot be two people at one time.
You're
Candace Dellacona: it's true.
Christy Byrne Yates: able to say
it's okay for you to realize you
are limited in what you can do.
It doesn't mean you don't love
somebody enough and you're
not a good enough person.
So I think that's really important too.
But in those disconnects, I think
it's important to gently push back
and say what your needs are like.
So it would help me to help you
if I knew some more about this.
And that can maybe open that door a
little bit more, and again, focusing
more on how do you wanna live your life?
What do you need from me?
What would be the best outcome for you?
Candace Dellacona: I love that.
I think too, it underlines the
fact that we can't do it all and,
and when you have the necessary
boundaries, a just by virtue of 24
hours in a day, and that is the limit.
Or not physically or emotionally
being able to provide everything.
Having those boundaries, the
issue of delegation comes up,
particularly among siblings.
When we think about delegating, I think
especially as women, I don't know why
we're so hesitant, Christie, to ask for
help or direct the help that we need.
I'm terrible at it.
I know a lot of my girlfriends
and I've heard from so many of
our listeners and our clients,
it's really hard to ask for help.
Christy Byrne Yates: Yeah, so hard.
And I think that we are definitely,
listen, we could go onto this for a
long time because I feel like as women
we're given that message and we're
taught to be that way on many occasions.
And so when you step up to be a
leader, sometimes you get pushed
back and it, there, there's a lot
of things that get played into that.
But.
I think too, it's important for all
of us to realize that asking for help
can be a skill that we can build.
And so it's learning how to do that.
Sometimes we'll step up to ask someone
for help and we wanna give them a whole
lot of story and make them feel like
they really, we wanna lay it on thick.
And really what the other person
needs to know is what do you need?
When do you need it?
Be really specific about that, and
they'll say yes, or they'll say no.
And I always let people know, most
people wanna help because think about
how you feel when you help someone.
It usually
Candace Dellacona: You feel good?
Yeah.
Christy Byrne Yates: So you're giving
someone the opportunity to help you
and other people don't know how to say
to you, Hey, what do you need from me?
Or, and then that question can
kind of leave you flabbergasted.
'cause you're like, I don't
know, I need everything.
Candace Dellacona: Yeah, so open-ended
and when people say, let me know what
you need, it makes it even more difficult
'cause you're asking them yet something
else that you have to come up with on
top of providing the actual care or
running the errand or whatever it is.
Christy Byrne Yates: Learning
how to ask for help is a skill
that I would say practice.
And what I always like to frame this as
is you, for those of you who are also
raising children at the same time, they're
watching you and learning from you.
And what a great role model.
You're showing them how to ask for things.
You're showing them I can be very
specific about what I need and
concrete and that I'm more likely
to get what I need that way.
And then for people who wanna
help, I think the message is, be
specific about what you can do.
Here's what I can do.
I'm gonna bring dinner tonight.
Will that help you?
I'm going to the store right now.
Can I pick something up for you?
Offer something that is concrete
rather than, oh, just let me know
if you need something because
Candace Dellacona: I love that.
Christy Byrne Yates: you just don't have
the bandwidth to figure out I don't know.
Now I gotta stop and think about that.
Candace Dellacona: But you're right.
Like specificity.
Christy Byrne Yates: Yeah.
Candace Dellacona: In
terms of time in the task.
I think the other thing that's really
helpful to think about is that everyone
has a different skillset, right?
So if there is, within a family dynamic,
a sibling who's particularly good with
finances, delegating and assigning
tasks based on those skill sets can
really be transformative for a family.
Christy Byrne Yates: Yeah.
Yeah.
And that can work out really well
for a lot of families, right?
When, if you have more than one person
and you can divvy some things up.
I think what's important in that situation
for siblings, this is another area where
you have to have some of these difficult
conversations, is to be also really clear
about what role does each person have?
In other words, you kind of
gotta look at it like a business.
Like how are we gonna run this?
How's this gonna operate?
Who's the chief financial officer?
Who's the chief medical officer?
And everyone can have a role
and you can, how are we gonna
communicate with one another?
That's a really important discussion,
Candace Dellacona: yeah.
It also ties back into your
like self-identifying, right?
The caregiver and then under that
category of you're the caregiver,
this is what you do, this is the
type of care that you provide.
So if I'm, the daughter who's the
CFO or an accountant for a living,
maybe I'm not running mom or dad to
the doctor's appointments 'cause I'm
not great at taking notes, but I will
absolutely make sure that the checkbook
is balanced and that the bills are paid.
So really defining as a caregiver
and then in your role as a
caregiver is great advice.
Great advice.
Christy Byrne Yates: The tricky part
in this is if you have a family where
there, there might be people who
think they wanna help and they can't.
Or you don't want them to help
because of their situation.
And I think about maybe someone
who has a sibling who has
their own problems right now.
And I know someone who had a brother who
wanted to move in with the parents and
take care of them, but, the brother had a
history of drug addiction and had already
previously crossed some boundaries.
That couldn't happen, right?
So that person had to get
power of attorney and be able
to make some decisions, right?
So there may be very painful things we
have to do at times to protect people.
And for me, my siblings lived several
states away and I was willing to
do the work 'cause I was here.
But I set pretty clear boundaries
about I am willing to do this.
I'm boots on ground.
What I need from you is I need to
be able to call you and talk to you.
What I don't want is for you
to call me the next day and
say, you did everything wrong.
I didn't want backseat driving.
So I was pretty clear about that.
And they honored that because
one, I was lucky we had a good
relationship, but two, they knew they
weren't able to come here and do it.
What good would second guessing me be,
not good, wouldn't help the bottom line.
So I kept in good conversation with them.
They knew every step of the
way what was going on, but we
set up those, those boundaries.
What were we gonna do?
How did they wanna be notified?
What did they wanna know about?
Candace Dellacona: I think it's also
important to show such appreciation
for the child or adult child, the
sibling who is doing the heavy lifting.
One of the things that I hear
often and probably you do too,
Christie, is that you wanna do
those things and you feel honored.
But it is nice to be thanked.
And if you have a parent that
has diminished capacity, they
don't always know how to do that.
Witnessing the fact that you are going
out of your way and perhaps, maybe
in some ways putting your own life on
hold and expecting patience from your
children in a way that you wouldn't
have otherwise expected of them.
So just acknowledging the sacrifice and
it really is a sacrifice in caregiving.
Christy Byrne Yates: Yeah.
Yeah, it really is.
And it can be a long period of time.
And that is what we don't really know.
We don't know when the end will come.
And we don't, but caregiving
can go on for a long time.
And I think that's the other thing
we have to be realistic about when
we are looking at our parents is
what is their health like, and
so to be able to talk about that.
And two of the things that really
interrupt aging are medical issues, right?
So a cancer diagnosis, dementia
or some other kind of process,
disease process that might interfere
with their aging process could
interrupt how their aging is.
And falls.
Falls are really big.
If you've got a family member who's
living in a three story house there
might be things, conversations to have.
Downsizing, finding a
better living situation.
Maybe mom, dad, we gotta move your
bedroom down to the downstairs.
Let's take over that room kind of thing.
But there's all those kinds of
conversations, but caregiving can really
take on a lot of different, detours
that we're not, we're not aware of.
And so that's why being able to have
these conversations and realize they're
not just one, it may be repeated
conversations 'cause things will change.
And I'm sure with the
documents piece, right?
You might form your trust
and then 10 years later you
might wanna take a look at it.
I'm sure you would recommend
sooner than 10 years, but
Candace Dellacona: Yeah, no, exactly.
But you're right.
Life is fluid, relationships
are fluid, and your documents
should be reflective of that.
To your point, if you become a caregiver
five years ago and you are married and
you know your house is in order and now
perhaps you're no longer married, you're
a single parent, you have more limited
resources, things do have to change.
And that's is a great segue into
talking about, you had a chapter
in the book and I loved the title.
It was Ruthless Self Care.
And when you think of self-care
and people talk about self-care,
you picture spas and candles and
these lovely baths with bath salts.
And the title Ruthless Self-Care I love
because you have to be aggressive and
ruthless about protecting yourself.
So tell us about self-care,
Christie, and why it's so important.
Christy Byrne Yates: Yeah.
And I, I came up with that term because
I felt if it was my child and there
was, they were suffering in some way, I
would not stop at, oh they're, I would
be ruthless in taking care of them.
What would I, what do I need to do?
Can we also do that for ourselves?
I'm not managing things
very well right now.
I know this about myself.
I'll feel upset and what do I
need to do to take care of myself?
And it isn't.
Listen, a spa, a manicure, whatever.
Those are great.
Candace Dellacona: All great.
Christy Byrne Yates: But it's
things like, can I say no?
Can I say no to my kids?
Can I help them understand
why I am saying no today?
Maybe your 11-year-old comes home from
school on a Friday and says, I invited
10 girls over for a sleepover, and
you're done and you can't handle it.
It's okay to say no, not tonight,
because pushing yourself over that limit
is not healthy for you, and it's not
healthy for your child to see either.
So realizing that when you set
up some boundaries about yourself
and how you're taking care of
yourself, and when you're saying no.
Those are conversations you can have
with your kids about, we all have to
learn how to take care of ourselves.
So it's setting limits.
It's making sure that you're going
to the doctor just like you're
taking everybody else to the doctor.
Are you getting your
dentist appointment in?
Are you talking to your health
providers about different things?
And I think for women, it's also
making sure you're communicating with
your not just with your primary care
doc, but your OB GYN, because this
time period seems to be the same time
period that all these other things
are happening for us women, and we're
not talking enough about that either.
So it's putting it all together
so that you are taking care of
yourself and realizing you need
more than you can do just on your.
You can't white, white
knuckle this one through.
You've gotta take care of
yourself and have your own
team taking care of yourself.
Candace Dellacona: So true.
And one of the things that you and I
spoke about in the past was the fact that
when you give your kids responsibilities
like emptying a dishwasher or
teaching them how to do their laundry.
You're actually helping
them build self-esteem.
There are studies that have come out
in recent years talking about this fact
that by empowering your kids to take on
more responsibilities, you are giving
them the gift of self-confidence and
they are understanding that they are
capable and by removing all the obstacles,
Christie, we're saying you can't do it.
And one of the things we wanna do
is, sandwich generation members,
raising kids is raising really good
humans, capable, responsible humans,
Christy Byrne Yates: Right.
Right.
And really, I see empathy and
action results and compassion.
And so we can be raising
compassionate adults.
Wouldn't that be great?
This is what we want, right?
And again, we're training them, we're
training them to take care of us someday.
But yes, we're building capacity, right?
We are helping them learn new things.
And when they're little, remember that
time and they're like, no, watch me.
Let me do it.
Let me do it.
Let me do it.
And maybe they get older and
they're like, no, she'll do it.
She'll do it.
So we can dump that around and go, wait.
You can do this.
It's good for them.
Candace Dellacona: Yeah, I agree.
And I will say that it is never easy.
I have teenagers still, or two out of
three are teenagers, and there is a
part of me, particularly as we age, and
you talk about this in the book too,
the grief that comes with being in the
sandwich generation and the passage of
time, watching our parents or the aging
people in our lives age, get older,
pass away, and dealing with all of
that and everything that comes with it.
So talk to us a little bit about grief
and maybe the best way that we can
prepare ourselves, if we can at all,
Christie, for the grief that comes
along with this time during our lives.
Christy Byrne Yates: And grief is grief
comes in a lot of different ways, right?
And we sometimes think grieving
starts when someone passes away.
When someone dies,
that's when I'll grieve.
But really, caregiving is
a grief process, right?
We are grieving as we are seeing
people in decline at times.
And that can be, that ebbs and flows.
And we also are grieving, when
our kids are growing and leaving.
It was a grief process for
me, taking my son to college.
Because I knew he wasn't gonna
be at home with us anymore.
He was growing up, he was gonna be
changing, and he is an adult now,
and he is doing his own thing.
And that's is great.
But it doesn't mean that it isn't a loss.
It doesn't mean that it doesn't
hit you, really in your heart in
a different way, but you're proud.
But so anticipatory grief is
a term that I was not familiar
with, but I was certainly, I look
back now and I'm like, oh yeah.
I have that a lot, and it
can change how we show up.
So sometimes grief shows up as we
think tears and we think depression.
But grief can also show up as short
tempered as being frustrated, as
being, having anger, resentment, all
of that gets involved in grief too.
And so it's important to realize when
you're having these big emotions,
ooh.
What's happening for me right now?
What's, and realizing that might
be a grief process, and where
do I need support for that?
What do I need?
I might need to disconnect
for a little bit.
And then share talking with
your family too about that.
Because your kids might be grieving too.
They're grieving someone
that they care about.
And they're grieving 'cause you are upset.
And if they don't know why you're
upset, they could easily confuse
it for what did I do wrong now?
So we have to have these
communications and talking to people
about what's happening for us.
So I think that's where I highly recommend
if it's, if you're really struggling
with this, is finding support groups,
finding people you can talk to about this.
And I always tell folks, there may
be people that you think are gonna
show up for you and they just don't.
And it's not because they
don't love you necessarily.
It's not because they don't
care about you necessarily.
It might be that your grief is too much
for them and they don't have the capacity.
They'll come back to you later.
Candace Dellacona: Yeah.
Christy Byrne Yates: Find the people
that you do need right now and
lean into that because it can be
overwhelming and if you don't deal with
it, trust me, it shows up somewhere.
It.
Candace Dellacona: Yeah, that's for sure.
And showing yourself grace and to
your point, Christie, showing other
people grace I, I think is vital.
And that's the other reason why having you
provide us with all of this information
and writing this book is so important.
We try to provide these resources on
the podcast, and you are one of these
resources making us all feel better,
and for those who are stuck in the
middle with the rest of us, I really
encourage you to check out Building a
Legacy of Love Thriving in the Sandwich
Generation by my friend Christie
Bernie Yates, and we are so glad you
were able to join us today, christie.
Christy Byrne Yates: Thank
you so much, Candace.
I really appreciate it and I love what.
You're doing.
I'm glad you have this podcast.
What a great resource, too.
Candace Dellacona: Thanks so much.