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In this episode we discuss Seva's MDMA experience and her personal transformation. Seva talks about healing and overcoming her PTSD through many psychedelic therapy sessions and proper integration work.
The Psychedelic Psychologist is a conversational-style podcast hosted by Dr. Ryan Westrum with clients and guests who use talk therapy to integrate Psychedelic experiences for healing and personal transformation. Tune in to hear people’s experiences, breakthroughs and stories of healing addiction, depression, and trauma through Psychedelics. Dr. Ryan Westrum gracefully and empathetically narrates real therapy sessions with people in their most vulnerable and transformational moments.
Take a moment and place one hand on
heart and one hand on your stomach
gently.
No, the saying the softening
of the edges of the breath as
you breathe in and breathe.
Recognizing the seed of
compassion through the heart and
digesting it within the belly.
I invite you to take a moment
to simply take stock in all
the compassion that fills you.
All the compassion that you give out.
Breathing in and breathing out.
Hi, it's Ryan.
Welcome to your weekly dose of the
psychedelic psychologist, where I
invite my guests to share stories
about their psychedelic experiences.
We cover a variety of topics
from overcoming addiction and
severe depression to finding
wholeness and spiritual emergence.
Today's podcast.
You're going to hear from one of my
guests who explorers the work with MVMA
and healing, her journey, story spare.
It's great to see you.
It's great to hear you.
Thanks for coming.
You're talking to you, Ryan.
It's a pleasure.
Tell me a little bit about how you found.
The healing journey through psychedelics?
Well, it's a, it's a long story
here, started with this size.
So, I actually, um, I would say I
kinda had a rough start in my life.
I started with some childhood trauma,
been abused when I was a child.
And then at the age of 16
I lost both of my parents.
11 days apart.
And then, at this point I was just living
with my mother and my oldest brother, and
I had the other two brothers that live.
I lived overseas with my little sister
and I also would abuse after the passing
of my parents from my brother and that
even, weighted my trauma to just, I
was severely, traumatized by that.
just to come like shirt here.
I moved to the U S from my
home country where I had gone
through all this, experiences.
And so my way.
up with that.
It just, I discovered, the path
of education and achievement, and
that was one of the things that my
parents kinda installed in us having
good education, solid education.
And I just pursued my education.
I was very successful.
and then I moved to the U S.
I got my professional
degree in healthcare.
I'm currently working with that
as a healthcare professional and.
Following a one achievement
after one achievement.
And that never brought me
like sustainable, happiness.
And that brought me to the point of
kind of like almost depression that,
I couldn't feel satisfied in my life.
And I just came across one of my close
friends that, can, let me know about
the psychedelic experience and how
that can help the person, advanced.
And explore their, their subconscious.
I did connect with a guide and it
was a very trusted guide that I
worked with and he really led me
through that path of psychedelics.
And I was able with the help of,
psychedelic experience to open my trauma.
And, it was very interesting because.
I had several of them so far
and I believe like seven.
I went through the first three sessions
and it was a great discovery for me.
That it just everybody's journey has
been a journey on its own, right?
Yeah.
They're separate, but
they're together yes.
Yes.
And there's somehow connected.
, can you tell me a little bit about
what you're finding in connection,
as you're saying that, and, you're so
courageous and just the discipline of.
No ability to go at it as you do in
the conversations you and I have had.
How do you see them connected?
What, are you finding as interconnect?
I believe that each experience
has kind of built, in my own
experience, each experience
build toward the next experience.
So it was almost like
opening, like Ben boxes.
So every time you open a box, there's
another box instead of the other box.
And my last, journey
has been an eye opening.
I feel like I kinda almost reached
a level of, I would say combination
in my, self-growth and I just had
a, I would say like an, almost like
an enlightening discovery of all
that, experiences that I've gone
through the help of the psychedelic.
Yeah.
And speaking of that, what is the
medicine and compound that you have
found alignment with what's working for
you and what are you dancing with today?
I gravitated toward MGMA cause, like
I said before, like I'm a healthcare
professional, so I would like to
know like trust what I'm doing.
And there's a lot of studies about
the MGMA with the post-traumatic
disordered and that what made me trust.
Even more, cause there's a lot of
literature about, this kind of
medicine and I thought also connected
that it would help me specifically
with my own, journey and experience.
So I gravitated toward.
MDME how are you feeling
with the medicine?
Is it, working with such significant.
Life stories and reconciling trauma.
What does the medicine provide you?
Can you paint a picture for me
about, I would say, working with
the medicine has been, I would say
it's kinda like a full experience.
, my first experience because it was my
first, I really didn't have a solid
plan or I didn't know what to expect.
I was just curious and I was open
to explore whatever comes up.
So that was my first intention.
Just to see what's going on.
Just to kinda dive in deep on
what's holding me back and what's,
holding my progress and kind of
enter fearing with my happiness.
Even though I thought
that I had everything.
It would make anyone happy, add
them moment, but I still wasn't.
So I just wanted to learn
why I'm feeling this way.
And my first journey, it would
just like a vision almost.
So it was almost like someone showing
me, it sounds like almost like.
,what, what I've heard, like a mushroom
experience that I was seeing visions.
I was connecting with angels,
that I actually invited
before I started my journey.
It was kind of almost like a
ceremonial because even my first
journey, I just had to set intention.
on just bringing in the angelic help that
can help me and provide me with the most
insights that I can get from this journey.
I just treated it as a divine
and saccharin thing, and I think
that's how it should be treated.
was doing that from day one.
You and I have been working
together, this idea of bringing
really this work into the sacred.
Can you elaborate?
Do those angels follow you
through these sessions?
Are you, are you using them as allies?
Tell, tell me a little bit more
about what, what the sacred means
to you with regards to the medicine?
Yes.
I've always had like that spiritual
inclined since I was young.
And even though I was,
brought in a, in a religion.
Would not believe in the psychedelic
I would think, but I still saw the
value, that goes beyond any religions
of, healing and healing, the soul.
, and I felt like that kind of surpassed
my religion, my belief about my religion.
So what you're saying is how important the
sacred is to what you're doing and in you
bring the sacred out in the medicine work.
Yes.
There are certain ways that.
Evoke the sacred precessions that you
go into or integrating the session.
so the way how I do it, I
usually connect with my spirit.
God, because I believe that I do have
a spirit, spirit team and angels and
spirit animal, I believe in all that.
So I do set the intention, , to invite.
Partner with my spirit guides, my
angels that are here always to help us.
And so I invite them to attend
the session with me and I asked
for their help and guidance.
And I honestly believe that they are
the one that can help me with the
visions and help me see the whole
picture, in my first, experience.
And then every time there was
like, almost like a theme.
so the first time it was kind of almost
, do you want me to get into details?
. Tell me, the details
what you're healing like the compassion
you have for yourself, the love, right?
Yeah.
What is it?
Is that okay?
Yeah.
What is it?
The picture that you're painting.
What's the picture that you
paint now with the MTMA?
What are you witnessing
in your experience?
So the picture is kind of led me like the
whole experiences led me to, Discover the
whole illness, that insight all of us.
, so I went from someone who's very
dependent on relationship and
dependent on external circumstances
to someone who's internally satisfied.
Now, even though my external
circumstances is still didn't change much.
And that's because my work, I believe
a big part of it is my work with.
MDM experience.
It just, that got me to the core of
my all issues and that what happened,
in my last session with my guide, that
I reached, I just asked a question
that I wanted to feel forgiven
by, whatever you want to name it.
Like God, the spring
spirit by, Consciousness.
So I just wanted to feel loved and that's
ultimately, I think most of us goal
kind of thing, I just wanted to feel,
how does it feel for me to feel loved?
How does it feel for me to feel worthy?
Because that was one of the biggest
issues and traumas that I had because
I didn't, because all the abuse that
have been through, I can have somehow.
I thought that I'm not worthy of
flood because all the drama, all
the abuse, just, I kind of got
the message of, I'm not worth it.
I'm not enough.
I'm not loved.
And in, through my MDM experiences,
can I open that for me, that we
are inherently worthy and that
sounds like a textbook kind of.
Answer, but I actually experienced
that through you experienced it.
Tell me about that.
That's I totally agree.
Everyone's like, oh, you did.
MTMA you're going to feel love.
You're going to feel connection
to the world at large.
But what I'm hearing you say is internally
it started to really become true.
Yeah.
Because I was able to see.
My ego.
And, to know my ego for what it is that
it just a box of experiences that can
limit us, or are we most of us, like
before we awaken, we identify ourself
with our ego or our box of container.
And the ego is like very small compared
to the grand, you know, , God or love.
And I was able to see myself
as all my experiences that
I've had in my whole life.
That's all part of my ego.
But then if I identify myself with
my ego, then I'm leading myself to
feeling not enough, not valued , not
supported, then when you look deeper,
when I looked deeper through, in, in my
journey, my life journey, I saw that.
That's not true because I always
identify myself with my ego.
But when I identify myself with
consciousness, with God, with all
that is connect us together, you
will see that you, you are that.
And again, I sound like I'm talking,
you know, from a textbook again,
but that's that's I experienced that
through my last journey and it was.
Do you get that in the body?
Yeah, I did.
I did feel like almost
like, a peaceful, serene.
It's hard to explain
.Yeah, let's start again.
It being hard to explain
slow down for just a minute.
Can you close your eyes and.
Embodied that experience of compassion.
Can you feel that love at this moment?
I definitely you, can you elaborate
on what that feels like embodied?
It's almost, I would say.
and I'm sorry, I can say this.
It's like, you can really pin it in words.
It's hard to pin it in words.
but I know it for sure, for sure.
I do.
I do.
Yeah.
And explaining it sometimes does
what to it it cannot undervalue.
The significance or the feeling of it.
Cause I feel like it's beyond words
and I'm really don't want to sound.
I'm very practical post person.
And that's why, like, I don't want
to sound like someone who just, you
know, living in illusion or whatever,
but this is my true experiences what
have been like whenever, like now,
even after my experience, when I went
back to hard reality, sometimes it's
hard to feel these moments, but then
when you sit and you just stick a few
minutes, you can literally connect
again to that big energy or big field.
That's a brilliant point.
And I'm grateful that you're
bringing it up in our talk.
When we hit hard reality, it's quickly
forgotten, but it's important to
almost, could I say prescribe time,
such as you're doing right now to slow
down and simply feel it or think about
it or tap into that emotional space.
For sure.
For sure.
It can be very difficult
taking back reality and how
then you prescribe it there.
I say the embodiment, the emotional
heart and the reconnection to compassion.
Do you feel that now?
I do.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And what's changed.
What changes my baseline?
I said, I'm a healthcare
professional, right?
So what changed is my baseline.
I understand that my ego is not the one
that runs to show and, and, every time
that I get trapped, Of course it happens.
And I know it will happen maybe until I
attain one day in Lightman, who knows.
As long as, I'm still.
And this state, I always
reconnect back to that grand NRC.
That I'm a part of.
And every time I get caught in attachment
or a defined myself with my ego, I go
back and I know this is not all it is
that my ego is part of the experience.
And another thing, also, a revelation
that I had with my guide, Ryan was.
Even though, like we can deem the ego and
it can have like such a bad reputation.
Right.
But also through my experience, I learned
to give compassion to the ego itself, you
know, compassion, exactly and compassion
and that's part of my last journey too,
because I had a lot of compassion for my
own journey for what I've been through,
because sometimes when you get in the hard
reality and you hear other people telling
you, or someone telling you that you're
not enough, you're not doing a good job.
You're not like you don't have much money.
You don't have much that.
Or you're not pretty enough
where you're not tall enough.
Like all these things that
kinda helps us you're small.
I would give compassion to that
because that's just part of our human
ignorance and it's just, it is, it is.
It's.
It's very interesting.
I would say it's a breath
of fresh air as well.
How often, how often do you see
that come to light within yourself?
Do you need to feed it?
In other words, is there
a kind of like a gas tank?
You know, we started today in this
meditation of digesting and love.
Do you believe love is endless?
Is it a bottom?
Well, do we have to contain it?
Do we have to.
What do you do and how
do you work with love?
Because the world is pretty, that
external world can be very scary, through
my orange lake experience, because I
like a, I mentioned through my journey.
I feel like I haven't received love
growing up or maybe I haven't, I didn't
perceive that I didn't receive any
Laos, growing up, you know, being abused
and losing your parents and then, you
know, get an abusive relationship and
just from one hardship to another.
And I just asked that question.
So.
And that kind of bring in some deep
emotions to me because that's coming up
right now, as you're saying that, as I say
that you just, when you have such a hard
or tough life, you just ask where Islam.
And when you look around you and you
don't see love in the people that deal
with you or people, immediate family,
or the people that are supposed to
help you feel safe and protected, you
get from them cruelty and abuse, and
that can help you wonder where is love.
And now I'm embracing the whole journey
because this journey has led me to.
To feel the love inside my heart.
It's beautiful.
And it's and you show it so amazingly
you just, you shower it, you radiate it.
And is it easy?
Does it take effort or is it with
all of the stories you've provided
and all the work you're doing?
How do you access that?
Well, I honestly, I do.
Yeah.
I honestly I've been through a lot,
like this is, psychedelic is part of
my experience and it's definitely, it's
a great supplement to supplements your
personal growth, or your commitment.
I'll call it my commitment toward myself.
because.
In our world, we all thought, or
that's what I experienced too.
I don't want to generalize here
trying to, not to do that because
I'm talking about my own experience.
Sometimes that outside or the
external world make us feel not
enough or small or not empowered
or not able to make a change.
But from my own experience, I, I now feel
very empowered going through my journey
because part of that edge is that I
refused to let the world tell me who I am.
Refused to define myself with sick
societal, you know, concepts or whatever.
And I now.
I take my own responsibility
for my own self.
And that includes commitment to my
journey, commitment to my own self
growth, commitment to my own happiness.
That takes a lot, especially in
these days that we're in now.
you know, but it for me
now, it's the foundation.
Yeah.
That baseline you spoke about
earlier that it's just, it's your
go-to, it's what it sounds like.
It's what feeds you.
That's definitely what it is, because
when you feel like outside, external
does not feed you, then you have to go.
And that, and that actually like my
journey with psychedelics and everything
else, it just brought me back to the
old insurance, say, Look within like,
that's what everyone was saying.
That there was a reason why and my journey
through my experience itself, I, I, I
feel like I'm, I completely understand.
Now.
I completely like I, at some points,
my earlier stages of awakening
or being, I couldn't understand.
I was like, what do you mean?
Like, look within, okay.
I can't see anything.
So that's how.
That's how I was in my earlier
experiences, but that complete
change because when we look deep
behind all our illusions, you'll
find the God that support us all,
or the love that support us all.
That's tremendous.
And as you're doing that, are people
in your sphere and orbit recognizing
that you have this kind of.
Gift of giving love out and
appreciation for yourself.
Are, are people recognizing
within your world how you're
operating and what they see in you?
Definitely, definitely.
for sure.
And that, okay.
So when I talk about that, that's
another one big thing or one big
transformation that I had., my.
understanding about what love is
and how actually can give love and
through my work with also psychedelic
and my guide that has been.
great.
Like, I'll say one of the most important
transformation, because we all come
with this open heart, or most of us,
I would say at least once that want
to give and give and give and, and,
and, and, and my journey has been
like a great proof of that, because
I felt like a been giving, giving,
giving, and only just getting hurt.
And, and, and just that
taught me, I would call it.
, correct me if I'm wrong.
Uh, you're the psychologist here?
I would say like, my, our
own emotional intelligence.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
You're coming right up against
your own intelligence and
recognizing and trusting it.
Yeah.
Like emotional intelligence
that, you know, you love.
Yes.
But sometime love can
be tough love sometimes.
Sometimes love be, no, I can't do that now
because they have to take care of myself.
Sometime love would be, yeah, I can
give you, because I do have enough to
give you and that love regulation thing.
I never had that system in my head.
So.
It was going to almost like
a new information that got
installed in me and my psyche.
But, I definitely specially in
these days where everyone steps in
on everyone toes, to triggers them.
Yeah.
The boundaries you're
establishing, I hear is that yes.
That's, that's what I'm saying.
Exactly.
You got you're right.
boundaries, boundaries.
You have levels of love that
you can provide and you giving.
It's Fe you're also setting boundaries
up when you're, don't want to be taken
advantage of or something in that regard.
I think they're very, very, very important
to set healthy, clear boundaries.
And it's something I'm not saying
that I'm professional at that.
Apparently I'm a starter here,
but I think just having the.
Awareness of establishing your
boundaries and learning when to
say yes and lending when say no
and kinda protect your own field.
Oh, I like that.
You're feeling as in
your like, energy field.
And do you, are you
capable of picking that up?
And so it does.
One of the things that I wonder about
as you and I are working together
is it doesn't get over consuming.
Does it like when you're evaluating the
external field versus the internal field,
how, how does, , how are you calibrating?
But like, if you're out in the world,
do you have to shut things off or turn
them on stronger or because you're so in
tuned to the expression of love and not
wanting to be taken advantage of, or I
would say like, I'm done in this case,
I would just be in my default setting.
I don't know how to put it in words,
but it's going to like, You're
cordial and you're compassionate,
but you're also watching the dance
outside and witnessing exactly.
Let's pivot for one minute.
Tell me a little bit about what's on
the horizon and how do you know when
to take the next dive or you, you said
something very important, which is it's
a supplement to the work you're doing.
Do you recognize it in yourself?
To say, okay, this is time
for me to kind of go in again.
so I feel like for me, when I feel like
I'm completely out of balanced, or I
feel like I'm completely getting caught
up in things or getting triggered told
my guide that that time is just kinda
like, when I feel like I need a little
bit of polishing, like polishing.
Veggies and can I square in things
out, for me, because I'm connecting
more now to my own internal self.
So when I feel like everywhere,
buddy probably will be
different, but I now feel it.
Oh, okay.
It's time.
Let's let's let's do
something that's beautiful.
I'm so grateful to be working with you.
You're doing so much amazing work.
Can you tell me what the most recent
aha moment is that you're taking away?
Both from this conversation
and or the work you're doing?
It's just that it's important to
feed yourself., it's important.
To not wait for other
people to do that for you.
Cause that's mean you're empowered
and you are not dependent on external
circumstances to make you feel good
because then you're probably not.
And, it would be better to be in a, in
a more, empowered state where you taking
responsibility for your own journey.
That's so wonderfully.
Thank you.
Oftentimes, this medicine brings
us right up against the exact
things we need to work on.
Look.
Look at.
And heal.
I often say, please be gentle.
And it's not just.
Just to tell you.
But really remind you that when
working with this medicine, Medicine.
The most important thing is to be gentle.
Gentle with yourself.
The reason for that.
Is this medicine can do many
different things, and in that.
I simply remind you.
Please.
Be gentle.