Self-Compassion, Authenticity and Holding Our Own Hand (S16E5)

Show Notes

Tap to send me your reflections ♡

This season of the podcast has been threading together a quiet but powerful theme - the many ways we navigate fear. 

This week’s episode takes that theme deeper, exploring how self-compassion gives us the courage to stand in our own space, to hold our own hand, and to live with authenticity.

A quote from Dr. Kristin Neff helped spark this reflection:
 "One of the most pervasive findings of the research literature is that self-compassion leads to authenticity, because when we aren't dependent on the approval of others for our self-worth, we are free to express our true selves."

What does it mean to express our true selves? And what happens when we begin to return to ourselves, rather than seeking safety, validation, or belonging outside of us?

In this episode, I share my own recent experience of moving through a deeply challenging time - one that called for profound self-compassion and the willingness to stay present with myself, rather than retreating into old patterns of avoidance. 

Through journal reflections, poetry, and the simple yet profound practices that support me (like the physicality of running, walking or taking baths plus the emotional connection of clear communication with others and sitting with what is), we explore how we can hold ourselves with care and step forward with quiet strength.

This is an episode for those who are navigating their own moments of returning - those who feel the pull to reclaim their own space, their own self-worth, and their own power.

Settle in, listen, and see where it takes you.

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What is the Henny Flynn podcast?

A space to settle in and listen, and see where the episode takes you. This inspiring, reflective podcast is an invitation to travel deeper, with compassionate self-enquiry.

Henny shares insights from her own life, alongside practices that help us connect with our inner wisdom, explore our relationship with change and find a greater sense of flow. Henny believes we all hold our own answers, so there are no one-size-fits-all solutions here. This is a space to be with what’s true for you, and to grow from there.

If you’re drawn to slowing down, listening in, and exploring what it means to live with greater authenticity, this podcast is for you. Guided by psychology, mindfulness, therapeutic coaching, flow journaling, and everyday compassion, we explore ideas that help us step further into our inner worlds, in order to shape the changes we seek in our outer worlds.

Speaker 1: I often find that
seasons of the podcast have a

theme loosely threaded through
them, and this season is no

different, though the theme
might be something that for many

of us, can feel very, very
challenging.

It's the theme of how do we
manage fear in all its guises.

The intention is that with each
exploration we're able to see,

maybe, some hope, some light, a
way forward that perhaps we

haven't yet seen before.

Welcome to the Henny Flynn
podcast, the space for deepening

self-awareness with profound
self-compassion.

I'm Henny, I write, coach and
speak about how exploring our

inner world can transform how we
experience our outer world, all

founded on a bedrock of
self-love.

Settle in and listen and see
where the episode takes you.

I came across a quote from
Kristen Neff, the

self-compassion researcher,
expert and guide, and if you're

not familiar with
selfcompassionorg and you're

curious about the science of
self-compassion, then I highly

recommend the work that Kristen
Neff shares.

Her materials, her videos, her
books are incredibly

enlightening and really
demonstrate that self-compassion

isn't a nice to have.

It is an absolutely vital,
essential part of how we show up

in the world and how we show up
in the world for ourselves as

well as for other people.

Her work has really influenced
me in terms of how

self-compassion threads through
all of the therapeutic coaching,

all of my writing, all of my
courses that I create.

And this quote from her really
landed very deep within me and I

wanted to share it with you,
partly as an introduction to the

topic that I'd like to talk
through today.

And the quote goes one of the
most pervasive findings of the

research literature is that
self-compassion leads to

authenticity, because when we
aren't dependent on the approval

of others for our self-worth,
we are free to express our true

selves.

I think there are layers within
that, one of which being the

clarity that self-compassion
leads to authenticity, that when

we are compassionate toward
ourselves, we are more able to

show up as our true, authentic
self.

This has ramifications in so
many ways, because it also means

that we're more able to stand
in our own space in the world,

particularly if there are
troubling things happening

around us, so we're more able to
remain aligned with our value

set, to maintain a more positive
mindset.

And the other aspect of this,
which I think is incredibly

important, is that with
self-compassion, we aren't

dependent on the approval of
others for our self-worth and

therefore, with self-compassion,
we build self-worth and

self-esteem.

Now, there's often a bit of
complexity around this concept

of self-worth have absorbed
stories through our society, our

culture, our family system.

That having a high sense of
self-regard is a bad inverted

commas is a bad thing because we
can look around us in the world

today and see what we might
consider to be a demonstration

of people who've got an
excessively high sense of

self-regard, and to because with
self-compassion we are also

able to tap into far deeper
reserves of compassion for

others.

So with self-compassion, the
self-regard, the self-worth that

we, the self-esteem that we
develop, comes from this rich,

deep, very powerful place.

That means that we also have a
deep, rich and powerful respect

for other people and for the
space that they inhabit in the

world space that they inhabit in
the world.

Now I'd just like to read that
quote again, because there is

also something in here about
this concept of being free to

express our true selves.

So one of the most pervasive
findings of the research

literature is that
self-compassion leads to

authenticity, because when we
aren't dependent on the approval

of others for our self-worth,
we are free to express our true

selves.

I think I mean there are so
many reasons why I think that

that is such an important
message for us today, but it

relates directly to what I would
love to share with you, which

is another my Darling Girl poem,
something that landed on the

pages of my journal last week,
and also another piece of

writing from my journal.

This is about me expressing my
true self.

This is about me showing up
here with you with the most

profound self-compassion and
being authentic and saying I

have been through a really
challenging time, a period of

what I would call in the past
the veil coming down.

If you listened to the
beautiful episode with Aisling

Mustan about moving through the
darkness, when she was talking

about her own experience of
Samhain and Dark Night of the

Soul, then you'll have a sense
that this is an experience that

I'm familiar with.

I'm familiar with and my sense
is that this experience of

Samhain is something that
resonates with so many of us.

The messages that I've received
from people about the last few

episodes of the podcast have
been incredibly moving and

hopefully what I'm sharing with
you today is useful to you in

some way, even if simply to see
that everybody experiences

challenging times and that we
can use these incredible tools

that we have available to us
journaling, meditation, running.

You'll hear that that's one of
my tools in order to help bring

ourselves through the darkness,
not up and out and squashing it

and ignoring it and pretending
it's not happening, but actually

allowing ourselves to be in it.

And in fact, last week's
episode was really about that

sense of being within it, and
this week's is that my writing

that talks about returning,
talks about returning.

There's been a bit of a break
since I recorded that first part

, because there were some noises
that I needed to let settle in

the space around me, and I've
noticed that in the time between

recording sort of recording
that introduction and um, and

speaking now, that I've needed
to tap again into my

self-compassion in order to
share this next part of the

reading, um, and and I think
this really speaks to what Dr

Kristen Neff was talking that in
order for us to show up with

authenticity, to be able to
really stand in our own space

with these gentle but powerful
boundaries, boundaries that

enable us to not be influenced
by either external voices or the

internal voices that want to
keep us small, want to keep us

quiet, want to ensure that we
don't say anything that sets us

outside of what we've learned is
a social norm, and those voices

only say these things because
they want to keep us safe, but

when we sink deeper inside
ourselves and see, ok, well,

hang on, what is what is my
truly authentic perception of

what feels OK here, then we can
find ourselves anchoring in to a

sense of courageousness that
can really serve us and

potentially serve others too.

So that's the part I'm
anchoring into right now, as I

share this very vulnerable piece
of writing with you, and you

know, as before I've you know've
shared, you know I share this

because it is safe for me to do
so.

It is really important that we
are also extremely mindful about

our own psychological safety,
something that feels potentially

vulnerable for us, that we know
that we are able to maintain

this anchor point within us.

So, okay, so I feel myself
returning.

Holding my own hand seems to be
my new mantra, a gift from

everyday compassion that's truly
landed in me.

Isn't that what self-care truly
is?

Holding our own hand, tending
to ourselves with power and

grace, helping ourselves across
the stepping stones of life.

There's something here about
that correlation between

self-care and power too,
something about the true

experience.

When we care deeply for
ourselves, we are giving our

power to ourselves and not
handing it over to another's

fears, and so this act of
reaching out to ourselves,

taking our own hand.

We are remembering that we do
not need to carry the belief

that we are only safe in the
context of how we relate to

others.

We are only truly safe in the
context of how we relate to

ourselves, not in an isolated,
isolationist, separated way, but

in a deeply connected way.

Because if we're always leaning
out of our own space into

others, whoever they may be,
then if, when that security and

protection we crave and seek is
no longer there, we are

abandoned.

Likewise, if we believe our job
is only and always to care for

and protect others, who are we
in the absence of them?

Do we simply scan the horizon
until our gaze lands on the next

worthy cause?

And who cares for us?

Is our ego or parts with those
understandably profoundly human

egoic tendencies, so large and
bruised that we have to only see

ourselves in relation to others
?

Or can we learn with wit and
wisdom to stand in the space we

inhabit without stretching out
into another's or demanding they

step into ours?

And how do we hold our own hand
?

By taking the steps we know
support us Today?

I ran not because of those
stories I still occasionally see

bubbling up about weight and
age and unworthiness, but

because it's part of how I can
return to myself.

And then I ran a bath, not
because it's a hackneyed

practice of self-care with
bubbles and candles, but because

this act of rinsing away the
tendrils of the veil that has

been covering me the past many
days is one I know to serve me.

Scrubbing away the old,
allowing the new to be sensitive

and revealed this is such a
powerful metaphor for me.

In the past, when the veil fell
, I would retreat.

It was the only tool I had in
my armory against the darkness.

But now I know there are so
many ways I can support myself

as I keep moving through the
darkness.

And it's not about keeping on
pushing out my energy, creating

artificial light, something I am
also oh so used to doing.

It's about holding that light,
that energy within me, keeping

the flame burning for me, not
believing the parts that still

believe.

If I just keep shining brightly
, then I will be loved back into

being.

Because that is just another
form of reliance on others to

rescue, to save.

It's giving away power.

And even though the people I
would have relied on in the past

love me deeply, it is not their
job to keep me safe from my

thoughts.

It is not their job to push
away the stories and the fears

that come to crowd me at times.

Their job, if they have one at
all, is to love themselves fully

and, through that, to know, to
learn how to love me and others

too.

And of course that is all any
of us can do.

And of course that is all any
of us can do.

So by holding my own hand, I'm
fueling my fire, shining my

light and returning home with
love, and, as ever, I ended with

thank you and some kisses.

I'd like to go straight into my
darling girl poem that arose

around the same time as doing
this piece of writing.

I have shared this on Instagram
too, and if you, if we are

connected there, then you may
have already seen me reading

this.

It begins my darling girl, you
are in the thin place, the

liminal space where what's out
pours in, what's in spins out,

or at least I see it's how it
seems to be.

You say I do not feel okay.

I say that is often the way,
and yet I know, you know that

within all this, you are okay,
and I say you need not fear the

fall.

Within this rushing world,
turning, churning, sits the

omnipresent.

All I say my dear, you are not
so porous as you fear, and there

is much wisdom here, and so, my
love, it is time to draw your

boundaries near.

Mark them clear.

Ask sacred sage to wash your
body with her smoke.

Allow her burning leaves to
evoke what it is you truly need.

Send your love within and
venture deep.

You can travel far.

The walls are thin.

So the correlation between both
these pieces of writing is this

idea that we have a way through
when things feel dark, and part

of that is about this deep
connection with ourselves, this

willingness to hold ourselves
with compassion and the

willingness to stay with
ourselves in the space, with

ourselves in the space, and that
means not abandoning ourselves

into things that we might have
used in the past as distractions

.

For me, that would have been
work, or alcohol, or lighting

another cigarette, or going
going out, distracting myself

with noise, um, or the technique
that I think I learned at quite

a young age, when all of those
distractions didn't work, of

pulling down what I call the
veil, creating a form of

separation between me and the
outer world and me and my inner

world, a form of protection that
served me well for many years,

until I was able to come to the
place where I can sit with my

whole self without needing to
create this sense of separation.

And I think what's really vital
here is that none of those

things that I've just mentioned
are bad.

If what we need it's something
that Aisling said in the

conversation that we had if what
we need is to lie down and

watch a series on Netflix, then
to do that and to do it

consciously, to be present with
what we are experiencing, that

is really what is at the heart
of this aspect, of this deep

inner work, I feel.

And if all we can do is say to
ourselves, oh my darling, this

is hard, then we do that.

That.

Um, I feel it's so vital to say
to that we will.

Each of us have our own tools,
our own way of supporting

ourselves.

I mentioned in the journaling
that for me, one of those things

was going out for a run.

For Aisling, it was walking for
a long time out in nature.

Um, she also mentioned about
having showers, and for me it's

having a bath.

You know, it's like it's this
scrubbing away, this washing

away, moving the energy through
us.

You know, both of both of us
have our own techniques for

moving the energy through us and
you will have your own um, and

not forgetting that these
apparently very simple practices

can be incredibly restorative
too.

And as I sit here now, I you
know, I have a smile on my face.

I feel fully present in my body
existential feelings of sort of

doubt and angst and complexity
that I've been navigating on a

deep inner level.

They've settled and I also
recognize that a really powerful

piece of inner work, the
resolution of something

incredibly important from my
past, has also happened during

this, this sort of period of
introspection and and and inner

work, and one day maybe I'll
share that with you.

At the moment that is still raw
and and I'm holding it safe,

I'm tending to it with my
kindest, gentlest attention, and

that comes back to this point
around.

You know, so deep
self-compassion is what enables

us to really see what it is that
we most need in the moment.

And and I suppose through all of
this I want to send so much

love to anybody who might be
feeling deeply challenged and to

say that sometimes what we
really need to do is not only to

reach in to ourselves but also
to reach out to others, and

that's something that I've
absolutely done over the past,

sort of during the days when
this was feeling particularly

challenging for me, I was able
to clear my diary so that I had

some time for myself and I was
able to connect with people who

really loved me, people who
weren't going to try and fix me,

people who weren't going to try
and give me their answers,

people who were able to really
listen.

And I recognize how fortunate I
am that I have people like that

in my life.

And if that doesn't feel
available to you, then reach out

to somebody like me, or to a
therapist, a GP, or maybe

there's someone that you
wouldn't consider to be someone

that you would ordinarily reach
out to, but you just have a deep

sense that they could be,
somebody who would be able to

listen deeply and allow you to
express whatever it is that

you're feeling, without them
having an urge to fix or to

change what you're feeling in
some way.

As is so often with these
episodes, I feel as though we've

you know I've taken us off into
some different threads and I

think you know my inner critic
can start piping up and saying

oh, is that all a bit rambly?

How useful is that?

I really don't know.

Um, and my compassion says it's
okay, my darling.

Let's just trust that this is
useful for someone and maybe

it's useful for you this day.

All right, my loves.

The other thing I'd really love
to share is in the beginning of

the reading from my journal, I
mentioned about this concept

concept of holding, holding our
own hand and um, and I said you

know it's a gift from everyday
compassion and if you're not yet

familiar with everyday
compassion, it is something that

I send out into the world.

Um, they are tiny messages of
hope and love and compassion.

They're land in your inbox, um,
I think it's four days a week.

Now I say I think.

I mean I'm doing it, but you
know it is four days a week, um,

and they're super easy to
digest.

You need do nothing with it,
but it is a reminder of um, a

way of looking at the world, um
being in relation with others,

being in relation with ourselves
.

Um, and one of the messages that
I shared recently was about

this concept of being able to
reach out and hold our own hand

whenever we need our hand held
and um.

If, yes, if you don't already
receive everyday compassion,

then there is a link for it in
the show notes of this episode

of the podcast, every episode of
the podcast, in fact, and

they're completely free.

It's just there for you, I
think.

Um, so far, there's like six
months worth, and my intention

is to to take us through a full
year and maybe longer, who knows

?

Um, and then, lastly, I've just
uh finished, uh, creating a

brand new audio course called
Vision the Day.

In many ways, it connects with
these themes that we've been

talking about today and in the
other episodes of the podcast,

and, in fact, it's been one of
the tools that I've returned to

in order to support myself with
coming through this this Samhain

that I've been experiencing,
and it's a piece of image work,

which is a therapeutic practice.

I'm an image work therapist and
, as part of the course, you it

takes less than an hour you get
a lovely deep relaxation and

then I guide you through how to
look ahead to the end of the day

or the end of an event that you
have coming up, or the end of,

to see the end of the day and
you're feeling bad.

Now, that might sound
counterintuitive, but bear with

me You're feeling bad, really
understanding what it is that

you're feeling and how you got
there and being able to

visualize exactly what it looks
and feels like to be in that bad

feeling at the end of that day
or event.

And then we shake that off and
we say you've seen it and you

don't have to have it.

And then we vision it's the end
of the day or the event and

you're feeling good and we see
in real clarity, through the

guidance that I share, how you
got to that good outcome and

then you anchor that good
outcome.

It's such a beautiful practice,
and at times I've used it daily

myself, and other times I use it
when I need to.

Either I've got something
really specific coming up or

there's something happening that
I'm worrying about, or I'm just

going through a period where I
feel maybe slightly less

confident than I might
ordinarily feel.

So I'll also include a link to
that in the show notes too, and

I really recommend taking a look
at it if that's something that

speaks to you.

So I am sending you so much
love and I send you a hug and a

wave.

Thank you.