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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Welcome to the System Speak podcast, a podcast about dissociative identity disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 2:We have emails. Rachel says, hello. I just started listening to the podcast a month ago. Since I first started listening, I realized that some of the episodes have disappeared. I specialize in helping clients with dissociative disorders and found your podcast to be a great resource for both them and myself.
Speaker 2:I was wondering if there is a platform to access all the episodes as they were originally shared. Hope all is well, and thank you. Rachel, this is an excellent question, and we've been meaning to talk about this anyway. I know we've mentioned it in passing. But just to answer the question, we have had we have recorded over 700 episodes.
Speaker 2:More than 500 of those have made it to the podcast on air, and that is a lot to have out in the world, especially since we are so vulnerable and especially since we have shared so many different things. It began to feel, especially last year, it began to feel like a safety issue. And so we started taking down any episodes that we could a little bit at a time, what felt most possible or least disruptive a chunk at a time, just take pulling down episodes until there was almost nothing left. And we debated whether we needed to just retire or stop. Or if it was still helpful or useful, is there a place for it still?
Speaker 2:All of these things. What has happened since then is that we have found a place in therapy where it is our voice that matters to us, and it is saying our words that matter to us and trusting other people to have the boundaries to listen or not if they want or need. So as long as it is safe to do so, we are choosing to stay with the podcast and to stand by it. I know that, especially with politics and things, it may not always be safe to do so, But we want to be here as long as we can safely. To add to that safety and to navigate fears about so much information and sharing being out in the world, we have finally found a way to navigate that that is seeming to be helpful.
Speaker 2:And that is that we have made a spreadsheet where it lists the episode and what is in the episode so that when we get anxious about what is out in the world, we can look at the spreadsheet and reassure ourselves this is why we know it's okay to have what is out there be out there rather than getting activated and reactively just taking things down to disappear. That is a kind of flight I have learned since, and it is a kind of pushing away the goodness people are trying to offer, the care people are trying to offer, and to hide from what feels like danger. But when we can document and look at here are the episodes and what's in it and why it's okay being up, it's much easier to be comfortable leaving up the episodes that we can. So we have been working the last several months. Jules has been helping on getting the OG or original episodes back up to stay.
Speaker 2:So I know that there have been problems with episodes coming down. And I also have learned since the retreat where I learned you don't leave the party. We have learned that even that can be distressing and disregulating. And so I also wanna apologize for that seriously that it has been disruptive or that episodes disappeared or that we didn't talk about it first or communicate that explicitly. I don't think that we knew.
Speaker 2:I think it was a capacity issue, and it was a protective issue. And so I think that's valid, and I stand by it. And, also, at the same time, I think the distress about it is valid also. And so I wanna tend to that as well, and I am very sorry. And the reassurance I can offer is that, thus far, the spreadsheet seems to be working.
Speaker 2:It seems to be a solution that has helped us have a way to reassure ourselves without having to be reactive or activated by the choices we've made. And so we will keep working on that in therapy and with the support of the community and people, but we have thus far gotten 70, of at the time of the recording this, we've gotten seventy, seventy two of the OG episodes back up and to stay. They're entered on the spreadsheet. That is feeling comfortable. Anything that does not feel comfortable is just staying down, and we will continue to navigate that.
Speaker 2:But it feels like a solution that has offered safety enough that we can be brave enough to keep the episodes up without them having to be pulled back down. Does that make sense? So we are working on that. Thanks for asking, and I'll also email you back. Cheryl says, hi, Emma.
Speaker 2:I want to let you know how important your podcast has been in my life. I've never felt more understood and validated. Thank you for keeping it going despite the difficulties with life and negativity from the world. Being in the midst of therapy for DID and all the things and feelings that go along with it can be so intense and lonely. You are inspiring, and your vulnerability touches our heart.
Speaker 2:I wanted to email you for a long time and have held back. But when I heard Dante, I needed to respond and let you know I have the same issue and the same power of it has been at times crippling. Thank you for sharing and helping us feel less alone. I'm hoping you will find a way to work with your Dante and get to a place of healing and peace. With much love, Cheryl.
Speaker 2:Oh, Cheryls, we are so grateful for you. We know you from the community, and I'm so glad to call you a friend, uses a friend. And, working with Dante is a scary thing. I feel like that could be its own episode. I don't have words to yet share about it, but it is certainly something we have really looked at seriously, especially since the retreat where we realized how very good at being punished we are, how very good we are at keeping away care, how very good we are at pushing people away that are trying to love us or tend to us and how good we are at keeping good at bay.
Speaker 2:And there's a lot of reasons for that, but Dante is certainly a big reason for that. And we definitely will continue sharing that as we go and in ways that are safe and helpful, but your encouragement means a lot and makes that possible. Thanks, Cheryl. And shares, I am still trying to catch up with the podcast. I started listening last year and still have a ways to go, but I have also started listening to the most recent one so I can better link in with the community.
Speaker 2:I recently listened to the episodes called Gold Star Day and Dante. I have never emailed the podcast because I have never been current with the episodes. The podcast has radically and irrevocably changed my life for the better. Oh, I have DID and was alone and uninformed until I watched the DID awareness day webinar that you were in and started listening to the podcast. You have kept me company for the last year, and from a great distance, I have kept you company.
Speaker 2:I have been cheering you on even though you couldn't hear it. And I'm so grateful, and I know that you're in the community, and I'm so glad to see you there. But this is so tender. Thank you for sharing. They said, I want you to know you give a great and priceless gift by doing the podcast, and none of us listening have the right to have any expectations of you.
Speaker 2:You don't owe us anything. A gift must be freely given, and to be freely given means you have the right to stop giving whenever it is time. That is part of being able to consent. I appreciate your understanding that, and that really helps open up the space to even choose to keep going or to reaffirm our commitment to it. Right?
Speaker 2:To ask the real questions. Is this what I want? Is it not what I want? What do I want? What do I need?
Speaker 2:Are those the same things? Is that aligned? Like, we have been asking us for the last year. We have been asking that question of ourselves every area of our life, and this is an example of it. And this is an example of you holding space for that, and we needed that so much.
Speaker 2:Thank you. They said, your authenticity is precious to me, and I fully comprehend you are on a massive journey. That means who you are can change. Of course, it does. Who is unchanged by a journey?
Speaker 2:Who doesn't make discoveries about themselves on a journey? Absolutely no one has the right to approve or disapprove of who you are. You are not accountable to us. The fact that you choose to do your best is momentous. The fact that you persevered with the podcast through really dark times speaks to your courage and determination to be on this journey.
Speaker 2:I want to thank you for everything that you share. I am grateful for all of it, and I receive it humbled by your vulnerability. I am so sorry and angered by the hate that you receive and wish it could be dispersed, mitigated by the gratitude of the listeners who benefit from the podcast. I want to say be gentle with yourself, be compassionate to yourself, give yourself as much time as you need to be where you want to go. I say this knowing how impossible all of that feels for me.
Speaker 2:Thank you. Oh, and that means the world to me. It really does. It's so powerful for us to hear that. We have been struggling, especially for the last year, with letting some of those walls down to reengage in therapy, to trust in relationships, to find our way and untangle from what has been either not our choice or not healthy for us or old patterns and old ways that make our life harder or even cause harm to others through not knowing or, like, pushing away what is good.
Speaker 2:I never considered until the repair through the retreat experience that me pushing away care hurt others. And some of the experiences I've gone through in the past makes more sense now, and I am so sorry for that. And holding space for improving, not just my own mental health, but also for not causing harm in the world is really, really important. And this kind of space to just be human and vulnerable, to make mistakes, to grow, to learn, and to be bold in trying again, that's everything. It's everything.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much. Truly. Todd shares, I've been listening to your podcast for a little over two years. I found it while looking for help with my then suspected now diagnosed OSDD. You have provided so much help that I can't even begin to list it all.
Speaker 2:Even though I don't experience overt switching, I have found comfort in listening to you talk about your journey. I found so much to relate to and learn so much along the way. I particularly enjoyed your interview with Kathy Steele where she described altars as different ways of being you. If only everyone could be so accepting. I recently caught up to the most recent episodes and was saddened to hear about how much hate mail you get.
Speaker 2:Other plural multiple content creators whom I respect have been targeted in a similar way. I am so sorry that people feel a need to be so hurtful. I believe there are many listeners out there who are quiet, but love you and your work just the same. Please know that I work please know that I look forward to cheering you along and that I hope every new episode brings a measure of healing to you and all your listeners. Oh my goodness.
Speaker 2:Thank you for that encouragement, Todd. Anne's. Oh, Anne's from the community. Another Anne's. Anne says, there are so many things we would write.
Speaker 2:Mostly, I want to let you know that I'm glad you take up space in this world. On one of your last podcast, you mentioned that people that like the podcast join the community and stop writing, and the people who don't like it just send hate mail. I'm thinking of ways to have hate mail go directly to the trash. You are worth more than that. We also miss your presence in the community.
Speaker 2:That is not pressure to do anything or be anything. That is me wanting to tell you that you add beauty to life. Care for yourself, and let us know if there's a way to help care for you and yours. Oh, and thank you so much. We have been very absent as we have gone through some really intense healing of specific things and focused on our family and also trying to provide for ourselves quite honestly.
Speaker 2:And so it has been good to be back in the community to make space for myself to give and receive care and to practice tolerating it in a new way differently than before now that I'm understanding how much I was not allowing myself to feel that. So to have my inbox flooded with support since the Dante episode especially, We have held on to those these hard months so that even when we were not present in the community or when we were struggling, your words were close to us, and we were reading them and rereading them. And it is so, so powerful. Thank you. Really.
Speaker 2:And I know we've missed you as well while you were away, and it's good to have you back. This email says, hi, Emma, doctor e, and everyone else. I just wanted to message you and say thank you. I'm a therapist in training, and I think I have DID. I have a therapist and resources, but the one thing that has felt hardest is the isolation and feeling like we're the only one experiencing this.
Speaker 2:I just started the podcast, and already there is such a big relief. Thank you. Your work is so vital. Thank you for sharing hope with me. Oh my goodness.
Speaker 2:I hope you found the other episodes now that they're coming back. I am so sorry about that. Amity says, I finally got a hold of a copy of your book. I really haven't had a chance to look through it, but I'm looking for another copy I could send my therapist. On Amazon, it says your book is out of print.
Speaker 2:I will continue to scour the Internet for one. I can oh, okay. So I can send you this information. I'm not sure which of the books. We've got several, a whole handful of books, but, they are on the website at systemspeakcommunity.com, and you can get them there.
Speaker 2:And I'll also email you. They said, I've learned so much from your podcast, and I haven't even gotten that far into it yet. I even have a tattoo of on my hand of a semicolon butterfly that has NTIS along the outside of one wing. Oh, that's so powerful. We still use NTIS.
Speaker 2:I feel like we have kind of reclaimed it, but we really had to work through a place of redefining both now time and redefining safety. So that has continued to evolve, and it feels good in some ways to reclaim it. Zephyr system says, I just wanted to ask about your website. For some weeks, it has just had the tabs home, guest, and contact us. And is it meant to be this way?
Speaker 2:We were really enjoying listening through all the episodes chronologically. We went to Spotify to listen, but I think it is missing most of the non guest episodes. Our therapist recommended your podcast, and it has really helped us a lot. Thank you so much for your time and work. You know what?
Speaker 2:Again, I'm so sorry about this, and I will email you the episode. We are working on getting the episodes back up. The website has moved to www.systemspeakcommunity.com because we had people who were trying to support us in different places. So the website, the community, Patreon, here and here and here. And we have tried to combine it all into one place, which really, like, cut what people the people who were in all the places, it cut what they were paying by almost half.
Speaker 2:And so we were trying to find ways to support them in supporting us and save them some money while also supporting the podcast and also an integrated experience pragmatically, which is good for me internally, not that I am anyway integrated or think people should be. Like, I'm not saying that or going into that. I just mean, if I'm going to include all of myself, it would be helpful to be able to find myself. So we have moved the website, and that all happened unexpectedly more quickly than intended simply because we got connected with Max. Somehow, Max can tell the that story themselves, but they were able to move things along and fine tune things more quickly than we could on our own.
Speaker 2:So we had meant to talk about it as we go, but then it all ended up unfolding fairly quickly. And it has been a transition for everyone for sure, and we're continuing to tend to that and see what we think and feel and if that's working and what we think about it. But those are the reasons that that happened and how it unfolded. The links in the new episode should be updated. Julia from Canada says, I found your podcast about five months ago and have listened to it chronologically and have almost caught up.
Speaker 2:Oh, I'm sorry. The episodes were down. Oh, I'm just cringing from it. You guys, I'm so sorry. I'm not sorry for keeping myself safe.
Speaker 2:I am sorry that I did not have the tools to do that in a way that did not cause chaos and confusion and, distress to the people around me and to listeners. I feel like it is a classic example of DID, of trauma, of the impact of this and why we struggle in relationships and friendships. Right? And so, like, I'm gonna own that. And, also, when I read these new people who are coming and, like, I started the podcast, and then it was gone.
Speaker 2:Then I'm caught up, and then I'm not. And what is happening? I'm just so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. And I wanna own that, and I wanna say that.
Speaker 2:And, also, it's starting to smooth out, and the episodes are coming back to stay. I know I've already talked about this. I just can't not say it. I wanna make sure it's tended to. So, anyway, welcome, Julia, from Canada.
Speaker 2:I'm really sorry that things that you found us in a season of transition. Julia says, after finishing listening to Dante yesterday, I want to let you know how important your podcast is for me. You mentioned the haters have taken over emailing you as the supporters of the podcast have joined the community. I can see that this makes sense, but I am sure that there are also a lot of supporters out there like me who just listen and are mostly silent and private. I, for example, have no time to join a community.
Speaker 2:I have four children and a full time job and would not be able to contribute in a meaningful way. Can I just pause and say, I hear you, Julia? I also work a full time job and have four children who live with me and two others in Oklahoma, and it is hard to contribute in a meaningful way. And it is so hard because it is my safe place. It is the project I want to do.
Speaker 2:It is where I wanna dedicate my heart and my soul. And, also, it is hard to do two things, like, to to add that on top of everything else. So it means a lot for me to hear you say, I just can't do that because it's beyond my capacity. Because what I have learned in the last six weeks is that I don't even have a clue what my capacity is. I just push and push and push and go and go and go.
Speaker 2:And not just flight, but I don't know if that's also Dante ish or where that is where I'm taking on too much. But then confused why why I can't do all of it well or offer what I want or why disappoint others or frustrate others or disappoint or frustrate myself because I've done too much, and I'm confused about how that happened. This is how it happens. It's because I have a full time job, and I have children. And I'm trying to build relationships.
Speaker 2:So to also be doing the community and to hear you say I don't have time for it, that explains a whole lot from my life. So for me, the good news is we are trying to make it a five zero one c three. That is in process. Ultimately, it would be lovely if we can make that my full time job so I could do what I'm trying to do, but be present there and well because that is where my passion is. That is where my heart is.
Speaker 2:That is where my people are. That is what we as a system could offer and include all of me in offering to the world what we have to help. Or even just if it's a small handful of people who are there, even if they don't listen to the podcast. I don't know. But that's what I wanna do, and I'm so excited that it's on the cusp of happening even though there's a lot of steps to make that happen.
Speaker 2:So I am hopeful about that, but also appreciate the reminder that it is overwhelming because it is overwhelming. So the realness of that, Julia, I really appreciate it. Thank you. Julia says, your podcast means the world to me. I am just sending this email to you so you know that we are here.
Speaker 2:Fuck the haters. Haters hating only tells us about them. It tells us nothing about you. Sending love from Canada, Julia. I love you, Julia.
Speaker 2:I love me some Julia. This is good stuff. Thank you so much, truly. Chris writes to the podcast, I am trying to listen to all of the episodes, but it jumps from episode number four to, like, episode number 25. And then even that one went away.
Speaker 2:Is there access to a complete list of episodes, or have these been retired? You guys, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Chris, I feel like I've answered that for you, and I'm just gonna pass in honor of tending to Dante and trying to, not punish myself with guilt. I feel like I have explained the problem and also apologized for it.
Speaker 2:So I will email you back, and I'm so sorry. Oh, you guys. When you throw a party, don't leave the party. Okay? That is the lesson of twenty twenty four so far.
Speaker 2:Sharon writes, hello. It's an honor to reach out to you. Your podcast has helped me enormously. Although I have not been diagnosed with DID. Without a doubt, I am DPDR, so she means depersonalization, derealization, and have been for many years.
Speaker 2:Getting better though, and your podcast certainly helps. My question is, I'm wondering if some episodes have been removed. I don't always recall when I heard what, but it seems like there were others I heard earlier in my listens, but I can't now find. I very much wish you well on your journey, and and thank you for sharing it from the bottom of my heart. I am so sorry.
Speaker 2:I'm so sorry. Okay. Again, it's extra disorienting because dissociation. Right? We're fixing it.
Speaker 2:It's in process. They're coming back, and the ones that come back will stay. That is my understanding at this time as long as it is safe to do so. We have navigated things so that it feels safer to make it more possible longer. Guys, I'm doing my best here.
Speaker 2:I'm so sorry. Oh, my heart. Okay. Jay Wright. Thank you so much for your helpful podcast.
Speaker 2:We are a survivor. We have CPTSD with undiagnosed DID and late adult autism. We started listening to systems speak in June of twenty twenty three. It was very hard for us at first. Our young parts have been trying to communicate to us fronting parts, but their messages weren't getting through.
Speaker 2:All we could sense was a lot of inner frustration. Those early episodes helped us so much than we are able to say or write about at this point. Well, good. Because they're coming back. We have been so encouraged, and we found a psychologist to help us.
Speaker 2:When looking for help, we were brave enough to state upfront that we have dissociation with our p CPTSD. This was hard for us as in the past, we've been misdiagnosed and poorly treated, resulting in therapy trauma. Oh, I feel that. But your episodes and great guests have been good at light shining in our darkness. We were saddened to hear that some people want to cause harm for you and your family, and now we see why some episodes have been removed.
Speaker 2:Yes. I'm so sorry. Those are coming back. Some of them, the ones that are safe enough. Right?
Speaker 2:So they said, we are nearly caught up to the latest episodes. As someone says, we are learning together. We are healing. Wishing all of you and your family the best. Jay from Australia.
Speaker 2:Well, thanks, Jay. At the new website, wwwsystemspeakcommunity.com, we have the following messages to share. Alexi says, I recently started to listen to your podcast, and it's really helped me process, learn, and feel as I know how certain events you described feel. I was diagnosed with DID in 2021, and it has been such a long process of evaluations and therapy. But once we had it on paper, things just felt different.
Speaker 2:Day to day, I try to learn and feel. Sometimes it's so difficult, but I know that I'm not alone in many ways. I'm not through all of your podcasts yet, but you are inspiring, and I feel honored to hear about your experiences. I hope things are well in one way or another. Thank you so much.
Speaker 2:Lara shares, Emma Atal, I keep wanting to respond to your story and thank you for your bravery and sharing your struggles. I am so impressed with how hard you are working through your healing. I am a writer and a student of cults. So when I got to the latest episode about shiny happy people, so much of what you've talked about previously made so much sense. Your wonderful husband made you cry about how your adulthood is different because of the abuse, and there is grief in that.
Speaker 2:But I see or hear someone who has the capacity for compassion and love that is way beyond the norm. Fostering is hard, and fostering special needs children is beyond the abilities of most people. You have a special skill to love these kids just the way they need to be loved. Also, in this episode, you talked about the struggle of continually working on healing. I'm just ruminating on how far I've come myself, arriving in a pretty functional life.
Speaker 2:No DID, just dysfunctional family. And yet, how far I have to go. I have arrived, and I'm picking up my bags for the next part of the journey. Thank you so much. Pat shares, hi, Emma.
Speaker 2:I don't know how to begin this email. We literally just finished your most recent episode after months of catch up and wanted to write to honor the profound impact you have had on us. We discovered the podcast early last year after a difficult winter losing our grandmother, who was our last defense against abusive parents, in the middle of starting a new job. CPTSD had been mentioned by a previous therapist, though no assessments were conducted, and we haven't been able to bring ourselves to look for a new therapist. Somewhere in this time, we started questioning our plurality, our multiplicity.
Speaker 2:It included realizing there had been a whole year spent behind a thick wall of glass after trying to come out to our parents and getting beaten for it. I think it was a Reddit threat on c p t s d that mentioned your podcast, but we immediately queued up, like, 10 episodes. We worked a second shift in an hour drive away from where we live, so it was a nighttime ritual of sorts to put it on cruise control, queue up a few episodes, and settle in. We cried so much. We would pull over to take notes.
Speaker 2:We told our partner about it. We started keeping notebooks trying to work it out. A lot hasn't been. I'm sure their pronouns in this email keep switching. Pun possibly intended.
Speaker 2:We really appreciated the range of experiences you included throughout your podcast. We're still not sure what resonates with us. Shirts reminds us too much of Star Trek red shirts, and I certainly don't wanna send them on an away mission just to die. Well, that is a good point and entirely appropriate. Thank you for not doing that.
Speaker 2:Oh my goodness. Especially the other forms of dissociation you've spoken about in more recent episodes have been really helpful. The daydreaming, the dissociating things that were traumatic, dissociating thoughts and feelings and things like that. There's something about the recent religious trauma episodes that's really resonating for us. We don't have a fundamentalist religious background, but we are Filipino, and one side of the family is Catholic.
Speaker 2:The other is Protestant. I wonder how much of it resonates because it is in a colonial context. Religion is weaponized in a similar way. Like, it's aimed right at the core of the self and self worth. I'm sorry if I'm misunderstanding, but the impression we got is that shiny happy demanded people sacrifice their needs to be worthy.
Speaker 2:The colonialism that runs so deep for us so long in The Philippines, First at the hand of conquistadors, then at the end hands of US Americans, demanded we sacrifice our Filipino ness so much that we don't have our own word for our country. We just belong to prince Philip. It's like a large scale dissociation. I could ramble about it forever. It's the kind of thing that makes some of us want to drop everything and go back to academia to study.
Speaker 2:Thank you for all of your labor and teaching and vulnerability. I hope to practice some reciprocity to honor how much it is meant to us. Thank you again for accompanying my late night drives. Looking forward to whatever's to come. All the best.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much, Pat. Ally says, hello. I've just began listening to your podcast, and I love it. I'm a yoga teacher who focuses on trauma informed teaching. I read widely on modalities for healing trauma and neurodivergence.
Speaker 2:I'd love to listen to your podcast from start to finish, but I can't find all the episodes. I'm so sorry. On every platform I've looked at it, there are several missing with large gaps in time between episodes. It's coming. We're working on that.
Speaker 2:I'm just gonna let it go, but I will email you my apologies. Thank you. Michelle says, hi, Emma. I want to thank you for all the podcast and the community, but in particular for the episode of December 25 called on your own. I know I have said thanks before, but, honestly, I don't think you can ever thank or acknowledge such great work enough.
Speaker 2:I have listened to it six times now, and it moves me in a different way each time. It is incredibly comforting, not just to hear you talk about issues so close to my heart, but to hear someone articulate so beautifully what is in my mind. It was one of these episodes that was just a light bulb moment after light bulb moment. I feel less isolated and lonely at a time of the year, but I just about die inside. I have the most beautiful outside family, but my inside family is scared, confused, and fretting.
Speaker 2:I now know so much of what I feel is not unique. It is awesome to be different, but, oh my goodness, there are thousands of times when I would settle to be boring. You acknowledge that it is okay to be on your own, and I believe I may be okay okay with this in the future. It will take time as it probably did for you, but I take away from this podcast that in time, perhaps things will get easier. Everyone reaches their goal in different times.
Speaker 2:It's not a failure that I've been to therapy. I in reality, I have come a long, long way. I now think I am actually very brave for persisting with therapy as it is indescribably hard and painful. Your discussion on parenting as an adoptive mom was also revelatory. Yes.
Speaker 2:We do not own them either as an adoptive parent or a biological one. If we could all accept this, how much better our relationships with our offspring will be. Sometimes you have to let the sparrow go for it to return. Trust trust trust that you have done your best. I am on the other side of the fence to you.
Speaker 2:I had three children involuntarily taken from me in my very early teens. I do not know their sex, survival, location, or nothing. It is torture and always will be. Hearing from someone who has adopted children and loved them so unconditionally, no matter how difficult the journey has been, is very reassuring. Especially hearing about how your youngest came into your lives moved me in a way I cannot describe.
Speaker 2:So painful, but it is fantastic to be able to say, we were not bad people, but rather subject to cruel circumstances that could not nor ever will be forgotten. I now know people like you and Nathan exist. I have heard you both talk so lovingly about the children. I heard your actual voices. It wasn't a written conversation.
Speaker 2:It was spoken words with true authentic feelings. You don't romanticize parenting. To think that some of my children might have had parents like you two, and now, of course, Jewel's influence as well, is beyond comforting. Thank you to both for sharing these discussions with the community. I am beyond blessed to have had more children over the years and foster dozens others.
Speaker 2:It's hard work, but I wouldn't change a thing. Thank you once again. Oh, wow. Thank you for sharing with us, Michelle. Deb shared, we have listened to the Systems Speak podcast for years.
Speaker 2:I think since 02/2019 or 02/2018. We have never had the courage to write in as we didn't really think we had anything to offer. We didn't think our voice mattered. But the more we hear about people writing into you about what they think you should have on your podcast or what they don't like or stalking you or hate mails, the more furious we get. If any haters hear this, we hope that they have too much time on their hands.
Speaker 2:We say, if you do not approve, do not like something, do not wanna hear something in an episode, you have options. You can skip the episode, and you can stop following the podcast. What is not okay to do is think you have a right to tell anyone of Emma and her system what to do with their podcast. There's a George Bernard Shaw quote, people who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it. Emma and you are doing it.
Speaker 2:You are doing something no one else has been able to do. We want you to know that your podcast in all of its humanness and the forum you have started and continue to maintain safety for us all is a lifesaver for us. Your creations have been one of our biggest supports and what has helped us understand, come to terms with, and grow with our traumas, healing, and DID. We have read so many books and been in other communities, and they haven't helped even a fraction of what you and the community have done for us on our journey. Parallel to your help in growing is our years with our therapist.
Speaker 2:However, we firmly believe that peer support and listening to you all in all of your realizations, pain, growth, and flaws, and healing have taught us the most. We would not be in a place that we are in our therapy without you. You model good boundaries, good vulnerability sharing, good safety plans, and self care practices, as well as you tend to us in ways I wish we could tend to use. Oh, that is so kind. In the podcast and the community, there's absolutely the unique experience of you do not have to care for me.
Speaker 2:We are there for reciprocity, mutual caring, turn taking that is part of peer support, and it is not hierarchical like in a clinical setting. And that is really, really important to remember both because so many of us have had experiences of parentification and because it's what keeps us healthy with the boundaries of offering and giving what we have to offer and give and doing that at the same time while learning to receive. Yeah? Deb said, we have heard it say that people with DID should not be in group, should not gather, and now we firmly know that is another case of people saying what others should do. Those people need to just step aside in their negativity.
Speaker 2:Being in community with others with DID and OSDD and being in person with people with DID and OSDD have changed our life. Our therapist has continued to convey this to us as well, even making it homework to post something and connect. With use, we have found a freedom and a tiny bit of shame has decreased in us and continues to decrease. We think of that mean song by Taylor Swift and just wanted all the haters and control freaks and mean people to do their own thing and leave us alone. We do not want you, Emma, to have to have a shirt to take it.
Speaker 2:When they cause you harm, they are harming the healing of dozens to hundreds and even more people. And when they're mean to you and impact how you share with us to us, that hinders you and therefore hinders us. Everything you share, everything you remove from the podcast or the forum should be completely your system's choice. We have your back. Sorry if our first email to you is in anger and protection, but it comes from deep love and gratitude.
Speaker 2:Debs, we love you. It was so good to get to know you at the retreat, and we are so grateful that you are here. Thank you for sharing. So brave. This message says, greetings to you all.
Speaker 2:I was recently distressed to hear that doctor Robinson would be speaking again on a very similar topic as last spring's. I was fearful of a repeat since it sent me back nine months in therapy. You guys, that's really honestly part of why some of the podcast came down as well because it just there was not safety to be a presence online, not not just because of the things he said, but also because of that lateral oppression and infighting amongst other groups. I just wanna be here. I wanna hold space for people who wanna be here.
Speaker 2:I wanna hold space for other spaces that are not my space or like, we can be here. There's there's a theory called the crab theory that they talk about in the deaf community sometimes because that's a small community, right, compared to, like, all the hearing people in the world. And the crab theory, very briefly and simply stated, is that as people begin to succeed, other people pull them down and prevent them from succeeding. So it's like crabs in a bucket. To get out of the bucket, they have to step on each other and pull others down to be able to get up.
Speaker 2:We don't have to be like that, you guys. We can support each other. We can care about each other, and we can work with allies even when there are differences. We can hold others accountable to do better and to be better as part of healing and respond in healthy ways that are not activated or reactive responses. And, oh, the growth that we could do as a community if we could do that for each other in kindness and in strength would be so so powerful.
Speaker 2:This email says, I was fearful of a repeat since it sent me back nine months in therapy. We were directly addressed in his video. Oh my heart. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Speaker 2:And another friend of ours also addressed in his video ended up impatient. Oh my heart. Oh my heart. I am so sorry, you guys. I am so, so sorry.
Speaker 2:I mean, I know it wasn't my video and I didn't do it. And also, I am so, so sorry. They said, then I was less distressed to see that you all would be speaking with him. Best of luck. May your presence be healing.
Speaker 2:Oh my heart. You guys, I'm gonna try. I don't know what the panel is about. I've not been given an information yet. I was asked to join, and part of me was like, hell no.
Speaker 2:What are you even thinking? What are you thinking asking me to do this? And, also, I wanna be very careful because I know that although I am obviously a public figure with lived experience, that does not mean I represent everyone. I only represent me. I can only speak for me.
Speaker 2:I don't have everyone like, I can't speak for everybody else. Right? And so that feels daunting, and I don't wanna say the wrong thing or do it poorly. And, also, if that's the only seat at the table, we have to sit there, you guys. I have talked about it with Katie Keach.
Speaker 2:I have talked about it with Jamie Merridge. Well, mentioned it, that it was happening. I I I have talked about it with the community. I've talked about it extensively with Jules, what to do and how to handle this, what to do on my about my presentation. You all, last year, right before all of this happened, the video that they're talking about and what happened with doctor Robinson last year, I agreed to do the keynote or they're calling it plenary, to do the plenary talk for ISSTD this year.
Speaker 2:I agreed to do that last year the week before that presentation happened, the week before all of that online drama. And I have spent the last year going back and forth. Am I gonna do it? Am I not gonna do it? Can I do it?
Speaker 2:Can I not do it? What do I wanna say? What can I not say? Where do I wanna focus? And the other thing that's really hard is you have to do those kinds of talks.
Speaker 2:You have to turn in I have to turn in my slides, like, months ago. And so even as I continue to ponder and evolve what I would want to say, I don't actually have capacity to change it. And so it's so complicated and nuanced. And, also, how can we not take the seat at the table when they're doing the right thing by offering it even though I don't know what anyone else on that panel is gonna say or what to do or what the consequences will be or even if I will even get a chance to say anything at all. These people are talkers.
Speaker 2:They are fast. I'm a little worried about male privilege and being up against that if I'll even get a word in edgewise. I literally don't know. And, also, how can we not? I I don't know.
Speaker 2:We'll see. But thank you for noticing, and thank you for your support. And may your presence be healing. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness.
Speaker 2:If only there's anything at all I can say to tend to that. I don't know. I don't know. I will be thinking of you. I have your voices and your images and your your your faces in my mind as I go to do both the plenary and the panel next month, and I don't know what's going to happen or what the response will be.
Speaker 2:But I'm going in a very, very humble place, but also with the ovaries to say the things that I need to say if I get the chance. And that's going to be a lot to navigate all at once and without opportunity to say all the things because there's not time for all the things. Right? And it's not even the setting for some things that I will also be saying privately. And how to do that well?
Speaker 2:You guys, I'm terrified. I am absolutely terrified. I am so terrified that I have told them I'm not sure I can do DID awareness day this year. I have told them I could not go to healing together because I couldn't add one more thing. I am so terrified coming out of the year I have come out of with the religious trauma issues and reclaiming my own sexuality and coming out to myself with all of these things and reengaging with a brand new therapist, a brand new to me, I'm terrified.
Speaker 2:And I'm just being honest about that. I am so terrified. I have parts of me who speaking is what they do. That that presenting is what we do. That does not scare me in the slightest.
Speaker 2:Doing this thing has me literally vomiting. I am so terrified. So to get this message and to have your encouragement and your support means the world to me. And I will print this email and take it with me so that I can feel that connection as we go because I don't know how I'm gonna do, and I don't know how it's gonna unfold or even what I don't even know what it's about or what I will get the chance to say or not or tend to or not. And I will be drawing on every single spiritual or philosophical connection that we have, every real life relationship that we have, every bit of us as a community without any of the crabs.
Speaker 2:We're not crabs, you guys. We are people, and we need each other. Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemspeakcommunity.com.
Speaker 2:We'll see you there.