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Friendship Part 2
Sermons from Commons Church. Intellectually honest. Spiritually passionate. Jesus at the centre. Since 2014.
So this is not Peter's epiphany. This is Peter's chance to say what he's been saying to himself for years now. Welcome to the commons cast. We're glad to have you here. We hope you find something meaningful in our teaching this week.
Speaker 1:Head to commons.church for more information. Welcome to commons. My name is Jeremy. I'm part of the team here at the church, and we are off and running into a new year together and we are taking the first few weeks of this new year to talk together about our friendships and this is actually a bit of a continuation of a series of conversations that we have put together over the last couple of years. In 2017, we did a series called Ashes where we talked about forgiveness.
Speaker 1:Last year, we followed that up with a series called Lonely. This year, we're continuing that thread, but we're focusing on what we want to construct with our lives and what we want to build toward together. So we are looking at our friendships. And last week, we jumped into the series by introducing a couple of our presuppositions for this conversation. Namely, that our friendships occupy a unique space in our social world.
Speaker 1:Now last week, I talked about the dark side of calling your partner your best friend. Again, please don't hear that the wrong way. If your partner is your best friend and that language is important to you, then hold on to that. I'm not trying to take it away from you. Rachel is absolutely one of my closest friends in the world and has been for most of my adult life.
Speaker 1:But when we collapse all of our relationship needs into one category and one person, We unintentionally burden each other with expectations that just aren't realistic. One person can't be your everything, and I know that doesn't sound romantic, but realizing that And understanding that, making room for that, and actually encouraging each other to invest in friends. This is actually about putting our partners needs above our need to be needed. That's actually a very important part of loving each other well. Today, we have all of us significantly larger social networks than in any other time in history.
Speaker 1:But we also have less intimate close friends at any point since social scientists began tracking these types of metrics. And yet the thing is when we look between the lines of Jesus' life, we find that Jesus had very close friends that were just for him. Friends that exist off the page, away from the spotlight, appearing in only glimpses that hint at the depth that they shared. And that is really important for me. Because if Jesus was invested in people, not just to teach us something, but for what those people could add to him, and that invites me to see the divine in my connections with my friends all around me all the time.
Speaker 1:Now, we're going to expand on that a little bit today and move into the second part of this series. Today, we wanna talk about intimacy and vulnerability in our friendships. But just a reminder here, next week will be about the role of forgiveness in our friendships. In the last week of this series will be a conversation around boundaries and even unfriending when that unfortunately needs to happen in our lives. So that's our agenda, but let's pray and then we'll dive back in together.
Speaker 1:Our God who is our friend, who cares for us, who leans in to hear us, who makes time and space for us, might we see your presence in our friends today. Might we recognize the divine in each other today. Might we see our need for each other not as a concession to our limitations, but as part of the very Imago Dei, this image of God that resides in each of us. If we find ourselves afraid, help us be courageous in our vulnerability with each other. If we have been injured before and opened ourselves up to the wrong person, help us be wise and discerning with our disclosure.
Speaker 1:If we feel isolated and feel alone, would you bring new opportunities and possibilities, potential friends across our path. Also that we might grow into the divine image that you have placed inside of us through each other. In the strong name of the risen Christ we pray. Amen. Alright.
Speaker 1:Today, we have some proverbial wisdom, inner circles, the power of vulnerability, and the pain of getting it all wrong. But I wanna start today with some advice from the Proverbs. And we're not gonna stay in Proverbs today. We're actually gonna go back to the life of Jesus in a moment. But first, there's some really good stuff here.
Speaker 1:So let's take a look at some of my favorites. Starting chapter 18, a person of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a sibling. In other words, this is exactly what we talked about last week. Friends are uncommon and they're meant to be. Too many friends actually diminishes our ability to invest in the way that creates the really deep connections that we long for.
Speaker 1:Another one, Proverbs 26, like a maniac shooting flaming arrows of death is the one who deceives their neighbor and says, I was only joking. In other words, those who injure you, intentionally or otherwise and refuse to own it, these are not really your friends. And if you have to tell someone you were just joking then it wasn't a good joke and you should probably apologize. Proverbs 27, wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. So this week I got my haircut.
Speaker 1:Not much of it, I know. But as my barber was finishing, he asked me if I wanted my eyebrows trimmed. So I said, is that a thing? Do I need that? And he made this face, and I made this face, and then he trimmed my eyebrows.
Speaker 1:Now, I'm not sure that my barber and I are really friends, but there is certainly a level of trust there. And what this proverb is saying is that sometimes our friends are the only ones who are willing to be brutally honest with us. And sometimes that hurts, but it's good to know that your eyebrows are under control. Alright. The next one here is the other side of that equation.
Speaker 1:This is from Proverbs 25. Seldom set foot in your neighbor's house too much of you and they will hate you. And that one makes me laugh, but this is meant to show that friends are considerate. Right? They think about you.
Speaker 1:They think about your space and your place. They respect your boundaries and friends that don't or that take offense to your boundaries are maybe not the friends you thought they were. Two more here. Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice. Proverbs 27, beautiful image of friendship.
Speaker 1:And then finally, another of my favorites, again from Proverbs 27, if anyone loudly blesses their neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse. In other words, your friends know if you've had your coffee and if they don't, they bring you one just in case. Now, all of those are kind of fun, but they also speak to something deeper about our friendships. This idea that friendship is at one time incredibly complex in all of the variations and situations it encompasses, but its ability to survive and even thrive often comes down to with something as simple as common sense. Is this how I want to be treated?
Speaker 1:Now, the golden rule contains within it a lifetime of learning and discovery. But this is why we want to talk today about how to lead with vulnerability in our friendships in order to help create the intimacy that we need for ourselves. Do we know how we want to be treated? Are we listening for how others want to be treated as friends? And to talk about that today, I wanna go to another story from Jesus.
Speaker 1:This time though, we wanna begin to use Jesus' friendships with Peter as a bit of a meta narrative for the rest of this series. I mentioned the disciples last week. This group of 12 close friends that Jesus spends most of his time with. But of that group, it seems that throughout the course of the gospels there emerges an inner circle. And that can be kind of uncomfortable to think about.
Speaker 1:We have Jesus who is the divine in human history and God is obviously not constrained to time and space and location and language. Yet, if that divine desire for connection and relationship and intimacy is going to be embodied and incarnated, then has to be expressed in the particulars of a human life. And so in Jesus, we see this deep concern for everyone who crosses his path. But we also see the normal range of human connection that defines our relationships. And so while there are the 12, there are also the three.
Speaker 1:And then within the three, there seems to be a unique relationship with Peter. Now, the three are what we sometimes call Peter, James, and John. And these are the three disciples that Jesus often seems to take with him at critical moments in the story. They are also the three that Jesus develops these kinda cute nicknames for. So Peter's name was actually Simon, and Jesus just starts calling him the rock one day which is what Peter means in Greek.
Speaker 1:And then there are James and John, the brothers and Jesus just starts calling them the sons of thunder at one point. And yes, I recognize that the rock and the thunder brothers either sound like a wrestling tag team or a Scandinavian metal band, but you just have to trust me here. Sensibilities were different in ancient Palestine. That said, there was one other person that Jesus may have given this kind of nickname to. And I talked about this at Easter a couple years ago.
Speaker 1:I think it was 2017 if you wanna dig into it a bit more. But Mary Magdalene, who by the way is a different Mary than Mary of Bethany, who was the sister of Lazarus and who we talked about last week. Mary Magdalene was given the title of the apostle to the apostles by Saint Augustine, but it may also be that she was given the nickname Magdalene by Jesus. See, it's possible that Magdalene refers to the town of Magadan, Miriam of Magadan. But it's more likely that this refers to Miriam Magdala, and that was the name of a tower built to honor the second wife of Herod the Great.
Speaker 1:Now Herod started construction on these three towers in thirty seven BCE. They were completed in April, which is almost precisely around the time that Jesus was born. Meaning that he grew up in the shadow of the Tower Of Miriam. And if that's the case, I think it's very likely that Jesus had Peter the rock, James and John the sons of thunder, and Mary the tower as his inner circle. Now, we're gonna follow the relationship between Jesus and Peter in this series.
Speaker 1:Largely because it is the most prevalent in the gospels. But I do want to acknowledge here that gender did not play the dividing role for Jesus that it seemed to occupy culturally in his time. And that's significant because it's important to understand how Jesus is a product of the time and place in which he lives. That's part of being human. But it's just as important to see the ways in which Jesus transcends and subverts and challenges and changes the expectations that surround him because that is divine.
Speaker 1:And so, is it important for men to have friendships with other men? Of course it is. Likewise for women? Of course. But gender does not preclude or limit the depth of relationship that two human beings can share.
Speaker 1:Our experience of gender is certainly a very important lens through which we encounter the world, but it is not by any means the only one. Gender or sexuality, even something as significant as our faith, these are stars within a constellation of ideas that form our identity. And what we're looking for in friendship is a shared experience of the world. Therefore, one star should not be the only factor we filter our friendships through. All that said, Jesus, Peter, James, John, Mary, they share a very intimate experience of friendship with each other.
Speaker 1:And that involves a level of self disclosure and self discovery. And to talk about that, I want to go to an exchange between Jesus and Peter that I think helps to illustrate this relationship between the vulnerability that sometimes scares us away from friendship and the intimacy that draws us deeper into it. Now, if you know the story I'm gonna talk about today, it might seem like a strange exchange to use to talk about friendship. But I think if you stick with me here, we can draw something really helpful out of it. In Mark chapter eight, Jesus has just fed 4,000 people with some bread and fish.
Speaker 1:He has healed a man who is without sight. And then on the way to visit some of the villages around Caesarea Philippi, Jesus turns to disciples who are with him and he asks, who do people say I am? Now, this is a really interesting question because in the book of Mark, there is something that we call the Messianic secret. Jesus really does not seem to want people to know who he is. Just in this very chapter, he has fed some 4,000 people and no one even notices anything miraculous.
Speaker 1:They just keep passing the food around and everyone eats and at the end there are leftovers. And the disciples have their minds blown but as far as the crowd is concerned nothing really seemed to happen. So either they just don't realize where the food came from or maybe Jesus shares his food and they follow his lead and when everyone does that there's more than enough but either way Jesus' identity remains hidden. Next he heals a blind man and his advice to that man is to stay away from town. Don't invite any questions about what's happened.
Speaker 1:Just go on with your life. And you may have seen this before if you've read the gospels because there are a number of instances particularly in the gospel of Mark where Jesus very explicitly asks people not to say anything about him. And yet here, in a quiet moment away from the crowds with his friends he asks, what are they saying about me? And that's an interesting moment because it could be just as simple as Jesus asking about whether word is getting out. Are people staying quiet the way that I asked them to?
Speaker 1:Or are they spreading this news? Are things getting out there faster than I'm ready for? But I think this could also be Jesus in a moment of maybe insecurity. Like, what are they saying about me? Do they understand me?
Speaker 1:Do they get what I'm trying to do? Are they misrepresenting me in the world? Like, am I fundamentally misunderstood? And that is a very relatable Jesus for someone like me who often cares a little too much about what people say about me. But his friends answer, well, some say you're John the Baptist, others say Elijah, still others say you're one of the prophets.
Speaker 1:And again, it's an intriguing answer because John the Baptist has been beheaded and Elijah had lived centuries earlier and even the last one, one of the prophets that wants to define Jesus by where the story had already been. And even though all of these are meant to elevate Jesus, they are certainly showing that the people understand his significance. They're meant as compliments. None of them really let Jesus be Jesus on his terms. And I wonder if perhaps this is not part of the reason why Jesus keeps trying to keep things under wraps in Mark.
Speaker 1:He knows that he's unique. And he knows he has fresh interpretations to bring to bear. He knows that he's here to bring something new into the story. Not everyone is ready for that. Again, I think a lot of us can identify with this Jesus.
Speaker 1:We know where we came from. We value our family. We appreciate all of that history, but that's not who we are anymore. And, we wanna write something new with our lives and yet sometimes it seems like people want us to be something we were, something we're not. And so Jesus says, okay, well what about you?
Speaker 1:Who do you guys say I am? And this is a really crucial moment in the gospels. Because up to this point, Jesus has been saying, don't tell anyone about me, don't talk about what's happened, don't say what I've done, this is just between you and me. Of course, word has gotten out and people have formulated their ideas about Jesus, but up to this point, nobody has said out loud what Peter does here. You are the Messiah.
Speaker 1:Now, I know that if you have heard this story before, it's almost impossible to pull it back out of the religious and theological significance and implications of what Peter is saying. But for a moment, try to imagine this as a moment between friends, for Jesus. This is a secret that he has been holding onto and protecting. And if we're being honest, it's probably something he's been coming to terms with himself since he started his ministry. I mean, Jesus doesn't know he's the Messiah when he's born.
Speaker 1:Right? He has to learn that somewhere along the line. He has to make peace with that. He has to come to terms with what that means for him. A couple of years ago, we did a series called the Sermon by the Sea.
Speaker 1:And that was based on Matthew 13, which is one of the most compelling images of Jesus coming to terms with what his destiny really means. Early in his ministry, Jesus is very common sense and practical. If you read the sermon on the mount in Matthews five through seven, Jesus is pretty straightforward and pretty easy to make sense of. Yet by Matthew 13 in his last big sermon, he's speaking in riddles and parables. He's focused on this kingdom of God.
Speaker 1:He's talking about a world that seems completely upside down and how some things need to be crushed and dead and planted in the ground before they can ever really live. This is Jesus coming to terms with and embracing a story that would lead to the cross and ultimately to life. And here in Mark, we see something similar where after hiding and protecting and guarding his story he finally asks, who do you think I am? In every one of us there will come a moment where that question needs to be asked. Now sometimes, it's because your friend doesn't really understand who you are.
Speaker 1:Sometimes it's because you don't really know who you are, and sometimes it's because you're coming to understand who you are, and your friends are who help you say it for yourself. And the fact that you might need someone to say to you what you already know, that's not a sign of weakness or indecisiveness. That is about the wisdom to filter your experience of yourself through the eyes of someone that you trust. If you're convinced that your destiny is to play professional basketball and all your friends tell you you can't jump, you need to take them seriously. Just the same way that if Jesus thought he was the Messiah and all those near him said, I don't know, man.
Speaker 1:Then we don't have a religion. Because the perspective of your friends needs to be baked into your sense of personal identity. And sometimes you need to ask them what they see in you. Now that does not mean that everyone gets a say. There are a lot of people who think I should not be a pastor because I don't talk about Jesus the way they talk about Jesus.
Speaker 1:But if they haven't demonstrated the right to speak into my life and our community, if they haven't shown that they care for me first, then their voice is always going to be necessarily limited in my life. And you need those guardrails too. But even Jesus needs friends to confirm what he already knows about himself. And you won't ever properly become everything you already are without the voice of those same friends who helped to draw that out of you. Now, at the same time, imagine being Peter.
Speaker 1:Jesus asks, who am I? This is your big shot. The question is, are you gonna take it? Because let's be honest here. This is not the moment where Peter realizes who Jesus is.
Speaker 1:Right? I mean Peter has left his life behind to follow Jesus. Peter has seen miracles happen before his eyes with Jesus. This is just a tired walk down a dusty road. So this is not Peter's epiphany.
Speaker 1:This is Peter's chance to say what he's been saying to himself for years now. I mean, imagine that Peter has come so close to saying these words a ton of times before. Whether sitting around campfires or eating meals or watching miracles, I bet Peter had had these words on his tongue a thousand times before but never found the courage to put breath behind them. Because honestly, what if he does? What if Peter has put all of this time in and left everything behind and what if one day he says to Jesus, you are the Messiah, right?
Speaker 1:And Jesus, woah, hold on. Wait a minute. Slow down pal. I never said that. Like I mean I'm looking for some followers but if you got the wrong impression, I'm sorry because I have never said those words.
Speaker 1:Can you imagine how devastating that would be? So don't kid yourself. Jesus asked the question and Peter knows it's his moment, but I bet that there are more than butterflies pounding their way out of his chest right now. Because in those moments, where we are honest with each other about each other, there is also very significant self disclosure that happens as well. This is what I see.
Speaker 1:This is my experience of you. This is my truth. And this friendship means enough for me to name it out loud in front of you. That's a very vulnerable moment. I mean what happens when you have to speak hard truth to someone?
Speaker 1:What happens when you know that what you see is not what they see? What happens if your honesty and your vulnerability are not reciprocated? Well, the problem is when we avoid those risks, and they are risks, but when we choose not to be vulnerable for fear of destabilizing the friendship, what happens is we dull the intimacy and we doom the friendship in the long term. Now remember, wounds from a friend can be trusted, but the one who blesses their neighbor early in the morning will be taken as a curse. So there's a time and a place for this kind of thing.
Speaker 1:Vulnerability ironically needs to be very closely guarded. Because, and this might be actually the most important thing we talk about today, sometimes we get it wrong. So, Peter says, you are the Messiah and Jesus breathes those words in like fresh air after holding his breath. And then he lets out everything that he's been holding on to. He starts telling them about what the messiah means and what's gonna happen and how he realizes now that people are not going to get it and that he's going to be rejected and suffer and die.
Speaker 1:And Peter who has just proclaimed Jesus as the messiah takes him aside and starts to rebuke him. He says, oh, are you kidding me? That's never gonna happen. We would never let that be so stop being so dour. And Jesus turns and looks at his disciples and then he turns back to Peter saying, get behind me Satan.
Speaker 1:You do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns. And for a moment here, it's as if all of the intimacy that has been engendered by that vulnerability has been sucked out of the room and everyone is left hurting all over again. Well, you see, this moment is why all of the vulnerability that we know that we need is also what scares us so deeply. Because sometimes we love each other and we support each other and we're still very very wrong about each other. I can imagine Jesus thinking, okay, they get it.
Speaker 1:Like they really understand now, finally I can pour out everything that I've been keeping close to my chest, everything that's been eating at me. And then there's Peter, oh, don't worry, it won't be that bad. You ever had someone with really good intentions try to tell you to cheer up? Be positive and things will work themselves out and all you could think was, I'm dying over here. Don't tell me about better days.
Speaker 1:Well, now you know exactly what to say in those moments. It's get behind me, Satan. That's Jesus one zero one. Now, again, let's not be too hard on Peter here because I think he just wants to help. No.
Speaker 1:It's not helpful at all when Jesus has just opened up for Peter to try to stuff it all back down. But at the same time, I get it. Right? Because vulnerability can be just as difficult to receive as it is to give. And if you, like me, have struggled with that and not known what to do with that, I wanna honor that because a lot of us were not taught how to receive vulnerability.
Speaker 1:How to honor someone's vulnerability. How to sit with their vulnerability in silent submission to their vulnerability. And so sometimes, we wanna try to fill that space with something, and sometimes that something we fill it with sounds like Peter. And I'm not trying to be dismissive. We're not trying to brush someone off.
Speaker 1:It's just that we don't treat vulnerability with the dignity that it deserves. And this is exactly why we need to talk about forgiveness in our friendships next week because friendship happens. But the beauty of this story, this week, in this moment is that all of this goodness and beauty and failure is mixed together in a way that does nothing to diminish the friendship that's growing between Jesus and Peter. In fact, if anything, I would argue that this moment, because of its rawness, actually contributes to a friendship that is able to survive much deeper failures later in the story. And my hope is that here today in Jesus' interaction with Peter, you might glimpse the power that self disclosure has to enable you to know not only your friends, but also yourself in new and significant ways.
Speaker 1:That you might become you through the people near you. So may you cultivate vulnerable moments in your life by finding the people that care very deeply for you, by inviting their perspectives on you, by challenging the assumptions that diminish you, but always recognizing your need for those who are near to you. May you experience those sacred moments where friends are what help you discover yourself in entirely new ways this week. Let's pray. God, we recognize this longing for each other that exists somewhere deep in our bones.
Speaker 1:We recognize intellectually our need for socialization and people around us, and yet there is this intimacy that scares us. This vulnerability that intimidates us. Sometimes it's because we have been told that self sufficiency is a goal. Sometimes it's because the people near us haven't earned the right to speak into us yet, and sometimes it's because we've been hurt before. But God, if we are wounded today, we ask that by your spirit you would begin to knit us together and heal us once again.
Speaker 1:That if we need spaces in our lives for people to speak their truth into us that we would be able to invest in those friendships. And that if we need another set of eyes to tell us who we are, to draw out of us who we are, that we would have the courage to open ourselves up, to be vulnerable with the right people, and to invite their perspectives on us. God, in all of this, would you be near to us, guiding us, leading us, welcoming us into everything you imagine for us. In the strong name of the risen Christ, we pray. Amen.