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Welcome to The Overflow—the bonus round of faith and real-life conversation with Brandon and Susan Thomas. Every week, they unpack the powerful insights, behind-the-scenes experiences, and personal reflections that didn’t quite fit into Sunday’s sermon.
This is where the conversation gets practical, honest, and a little bit unscripted. Whether it's an encouraging word, a deeper dive into Scripture, or a hilarious moment from their week, Brandon and Susan bring fresh perspective and spiritual fuel to keep you going.
It’s real talk, fresh takes, and full hearts.
These are the conversations too good to cut and too real to miss.
Welcome to the overflow. We're talking about relationships today, and we've been doing some q and a. We had so many questions that we're breaking it up into two distinct podcasts. So this is part two of q and a, your questions.
Speaker 2:Yes. We wanna help answer some of the questions that you are asking, and we don't know all the answers, so we're running to God as fast as we can. But, you know, this topic, before we get into some of the questions that have come our way, this topic isn't going away. I mean, if you have any desire to be married, if you are dating and that's a desire of your heart, or if you're in a marriage, these questions apply to all of us in different ways. And so we're excited to jump in.
Speaker 1:Right on. Okay, here's one. What are some ways to prepare yourself for stepping into a relationship you think will lead to marriage? Okay, so this is for our, probably a lot of young adults or maybe even not young adults, but people who are dating and we're like, hey, we really have companionship here, but how do I know that this is the person?
Speaker 2:Yeah. I think one of the first things that immediately jumps out to me is, am I stepping into this relationship need driven or love driven? And I wanna unpack that for a second because it's game changer. So often I mean, think about it. The person that you're dating or the person that you're interested in, often the things that we will list in our mind are, well, I am excited about them because they make me happy.
Speaker 2:I'm excited about them because I just feel so alive. I'm excited. I'm interested in this person because they're really smart or they make me feel safe. And so much of it is not none of those things are wrong, but it can orb around what you do for me, how you meet my needs. And it's true.
Speaker 2:One of the beautiful ways God meets the needs of our lives and of our hearts is through other people. We're often his hands and feet. But the point I'm trying to make is that if our operating goal is to meet my needs, I'm already walking in with a deficit. Because at the end of the day, no person can meet all the needs of my heart because they're endless. They're endless.
Speaker 2:The desires that I have are constantly regenerating. The longings of my soul are are forever endless. And if I put all that on you, and we've tried to do this. I mean, in our own marriage, there's been times unknowingly where I'm trying to get something from you or you're trying to get something from me that at the end of the day, God has to answer first.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:I have to be truly filled with him before I am ready to engage in a healthy relationship with you.
Speaker 1:That's so good. I'd say also you are preparing yourself for marriage as you conduct yourself sexually with the person that you're dating.
Speaker 2:That's huge.
Speaker 1:So you really killing your ability to have wise judgment if you are having sex, if you're getting physical, just all those things really do cloud it. A metaphor that I was sharing with someone recently that had come to me for counsel was they had had sex and they had repented, and they were heartbroken, and they said, Where do we go from here? And I said, Well, you guys need to take a break. It's the best thing you could do for your relationship is to break up. To take a break, to separate.
Speaker 1:This person, because they love Jesus and they had messed up. And I said, If this person is your person, God will bring you back together. Okay? He will allow you to heal and he'll bring you back together. If this person is not your person, then you were meant to break up and this physical tie is holding you together.
Speaker 1:So, the metaphor that I used was the foundation of a house. Dating is like building a house that you're going to one day live in.
Speaker 2:And
Speaker 1:when you are experimenting sexually before marriage, it's like taking a jackhammer to the foundation of the house. It doesn't matter how you rearrange the furniture. You're on a crooked house. That house is always that way. And so if you have not yet gotten married, it's important to have a time for break, time to get right with the Lord, and then see if the Lord brings you back together because your ability to judge is clouded.
Speaker 2:You're bringing up one of the hot topics in all of relationships in this issue of sex. And this points to what is your belief? What is your theology about sex? What do you believe about sex? If you think it's no big deal, if it's just, you know, another form of intimate expression with a partner, If that's what you believe, then you're missing what the god of the bible tells us, that there is something binding about sex.
Speaker 2:In fact, in first Corinthians six, he talks about and he goes to an extreme, talking about a prostitute, someone you have no relationship with is purely transactional. But he's saying even with someone that removed, you are one with that person. That's the power of sex right out of the mouth of the creator, the one who designed it. And so if we believe that, if that's our theology, if that's what we know to be true, then what you're saying makes more sense.
Speaker 1:Mm-mm.
Speaker 2:That if we allow in the dating season for sex to be a part of that relationship, it not only several things happen. It begins to cloud, like you said, our ability to see, are we a match?
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Are we equally yoked?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Are we
Speaker 1:Your judgment's impaired.
Speaker 2:You you cannot see because you have entered into a oneness without covenant. Yeah. And so everything is upside down. Yeah. Everything is skewed.
Speaker 2:It's like trying to see clearly through a thick, thick fog. Yeah. And then on top of that, as you said, the foundation's broken. And so even if you get married, here's what I've seen as a counselor all these years. If if you do not repent of that initial sin and allow the Lord to heal, go on a journey of healing, what happens is the same rebellion that was present then is now present inside the marriage with a different expression.
Speaker 1:Yeah. And and it's fun. It's interesting. Often sexual dysfunction enters post marriage. You know?
Speaker 1:But let's move beyond even that. That's just, that's one of the ways you can tell how to prepare. That's the big question. How do I prepare? Well, have sexual fidelity.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Do it God's way. Yeah. What are some other ways that someone could prepare?
Speaker 2:I gotta say one more thing about
Speaker 1:this. Okay.
Speaker 2:This is striking me. I'm having a case study pop in my head. Alright. You know? And then we'll keep on.
Speaker 2:What are other ways to prepare? But this is such a big one. I am thinking of people who have several just stories racing through my mind, case studies of wonderful people who in marriage found themselves in crisis. And it was in some cases, the spouse, the husband in in one case was unfaithful and she never saw it coming. In another case, it was the opposite where the wife was unfaithful.
Speaker 2:In another, there was a total double life. In another that I'm thinking of, there was cruelty inside the marriage. But here was the common thread. The person that was in tears and and heartbreak and loved Jesus and shaking their head, how how did this happen? I never saw this coming.
Speaker 2:I was trying to date someone who loved God. And every one of those scenarios I'm thinking of was the common thread of sexual sin in dating. Wow. They did not connect the dots because we can choose our sin, we can't choose our consciousness.
Speaker 1:Their judgment was impaired. They said, I want somebody who loves God. So they saw all the good signs, but this massive beast. Yes. That's it.
Speaker 1:Another way that we would prepare. I would say don't gloss over the red flags. When you see the red flags, you've got to take note. And I would give yourself some time to see if those red flags resolve. When you bring them up, do they flee?
Speaker 1:Do they run? Do do dodge? And I'm not saying somebody has to be perfect, but I mean, so like if our kids were dating someone and that someone was just nominal church grower, just kind of, okay, that's massive. I'd say this person isn't for you. Or say they do go to church, but then you find out they're not into tithing.
Speaker 1:Well, when they find out biblically what tithing is, do they still not tithe? These are things, just kind of look for spiritual fruit, look for spiritual disciplines.
Speaker 2:Is there jealousy in the relationship? You you look for the red flags because we'll just take a second for red flags in Are they jealous? Is there a high suspicion present in in the relationship? Do they isolate? Does that person drag you away from trusted friends and family and people that love you and that are healthy in your life?
Speaker 2:Or do they complement those relationships? And and is there a warmth, or is there a coldness? There's so many different types. What are some of the red flags that you think of just to help people?
Speaker 1:I think, yeah, you said isolate, pulling you away from friends, pulling you away from family, that's a big one. I think when you see the angry outburst, that you're like, woah, where'd that come from? You need to slow down.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:When you see an unusual angry outburst, you need to slow down.
Speaker 2:Because there may be a lot more where that came from.
Speaker 1:When all their friends are wild, but they're not, I would take a look at that. Okay. Let's move on to another question.
Speaker 2:Let's do it.
Speaker 1:Alright. Because that's the we did a lot on dating
Speaker 2:surface on some of
Speaker 1:this, but
Speaker 2:it's good.
Speaker 1:We did a lot on dating there. Yes. Let's let's hurry on to a marriage question,
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:So there was one, let's see, I got one. How can I share with my spouse that what my needs are without hurting their feelings and I'm not speaking sexually only, although that's a big, boy, that's a hard one to talk about? And I'll go first.
Speaker 2:Okay, go.
Speaker 1:I think I'm gonna steal your answer.
Speaker 2:Okay, I don't even know my answer, so go.
Speaker 1:All right. I think that my answer is, before you ever get to this place of, okay, we've got this really hard thing, you need to learn how to communicate in your marriage. What you're talking about requires very good communication. This question is saying, how do I ski down a double black diamond ski slope on the mountain there? And then I ask you, can you ski?
Speaker 2:Oh, that is such a good analogy.
Speaker 1:And you're like, well, I've been down some greens. Okay, how long ago? When I was in ninth grade, you're 40. Okay, hang on. You know, I mean, it's just like, hey, let's get you some lessons.
Speaker 1:Let's show you some basic techniques. So you really need to know how to communicate. This is a heavy communication thing. Now we're gonna tackle it. We're gonna tell you how to go down the block.
Speaker 1:That's But hard.
Speaker 2:That's so that is such a great picture. And the truth is wherever you are in your marriage, do not undervalue the importance of creating, learning, and tending healthy communication in your relationship. The best case scenario is when both husband and wife, you're willing. You're willing to to understand the fact that communication is bigger than us, that there are things working against us from the get go, but there's also a God who says, here's the path. Here's the way.
Speaker 2:And if we're committed to learning, following God and his design for communication, which we'll talk all about and we have before, learning how to listen, learning how to speak in ways that turn away wrath and bring peace versus the opposite, all of those things and more help us. And so we we wanna talk about communication, but how would you answer this question for her?
Speaker 1:Let's assume you've been down some blues, you're a blue person, you may have cut across a black and you didn't fall, you know. So let's assume you communicate in your marriage. Okay, now, how do we go down this treacherous trail of communicating this? All right, so you gotta lean on some patterns. And some patterns are like, maybe it's, hey, I wanna have, I love you with all my heart, and I'm very happy in our marriage, and you're amazing.
Speaker 1:But there's something that is bothering me, and I really wanna bring it out. Don't want it to sit there. We've done this. Where you have given me the gift of what you've said. You kind of throw the pillows.
Speaker 1:And you said, Hey, I'm happy. I love you. I'm good. You're amazing. There's just some things that I know, if I don't speak this, we're not our best.
Speaker 1:And there's some things that I just really want to get out there, you know, and I think it'll really help.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely. I think honesty, choose timing. Pick your timing. Don't the the time not to have that conversation is in the tail end of a fight.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That is not the time to have that conversation. Choose that timing. Everybody's well fed, prayerfully well rested, and and let it be prayerful. I would say long before you have that conversation, have you been on your knees? Have you been on your knees with the Lord?
Speaker 2:Have you talked to God about this? Because the in that space, there's a sifting that happens. God begins to reveal, wait a minute. Are these needs that you need to go to your spouse to talk about? Or actually, is this something to go to a prior earlier answer?
Speaker 2:Is there issues in my heart that I'm trying to go to you to meet? And that's not fair. That sifting only happens if we get before the one who knows our hearts. If we get before God and we and we say, Lord, will you please search me, know me? What's going on inside of me?
Speaker 2:What's real? What's not real? And then work through that. It might even be helpful to journal it. Depends on how serious the conversation is.
Speaker 2:And then once you come out of that space with the Lord and rooted, then go to your spouse. Do not go to your spouse before you've done that. Yeah. If it's the bigger the issue, the more time on your niece. It's it's just a good rule of thumb.
Speaker 2:Bigger the issue, the more time on your knees asking the Lord for help, guidance, and clarity. And where where do I contribute to what's happening? All of these things. And I think walking in humility, not being entitled that I'm just entitled in this relationship, it's humbly. It's understanding the purpose of marriage is larger than my own happiness.
Speaker 2:But it doesn't mean that there can't be great joy in a relationship and then that not be a great goal.
Speaker 1:Mhmm. Anything else on that? Let's I think I think that really is good without knowing specifics.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I mean, you can't you asked the question, how can I share without hurting their feelings? You actually can't control his or her feelings. Good. That part you cannot control.
Speaker 2:But as much as it depends on you, you can set an environment that sets it up for the best success possible. Yeah. And that is, like you said, really and and don't say things that aren't true. If you're not happy, don't say you're happy. But what can you say that's true?
Speaker 2:And that's the beauty of your spouse and that's the gift.
Speaker 1:It's a big deal because as I reflect on when I've been the recipient of a conversation like that, it helped me to know that we're not at DEFCON five. It helped me to know because you're feeling emotions, this is big for you. And so I'm sitting here trying to gauge, okay, where are we right now?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And if you are DEFCON five, you're at DEFCON five, but I would pray that there's been some moments leading up to that.
Speaker 2:That's not a shock.
Speaker 1:It's not this shock. Out of nowhere. Yeah. Okay. Next question.
Speaker 1:What are some great ways to show respect to your spouse? And for those that have lacked this in the past, how can we change the direction of Wait. Change to
Speaker 2:Direction.
Speaker 1:Direction of demonstrating this. So it's changed the direction.
Speaker 2:Yeah. How do we
Speaker 1:change this? I'd say on the guy's side, you show respect to your spouse the way you handle yourself with other women, the way that you engage and interact with other women.
Speaker 2:That's true, that's really true.
Speaker 1:You're showing respect to your spouse, whether she is there or not there. You you are honoring her whether she's in your presence or not. Be very cautious and careful about how you present yourself with other women.
Speaker 2:The other I wanna say that you've honestly blessed me with that. Yeah. In our marriage, that has been something that I as I reflect back, I would say consistently, I felt what you just said.
Speaker 1:Is there anything specific that you think of when I say that?
Speaker 2:I you don't make jokes about how beautiful someone else is. Mhmm. You know, I've been in environments where that's like the joke and and everybody's supposed to be okay with it, and the spouse is okay as the husband makes jokes about other people's beauty. And I've you I don't ever recall that being, you know, your your way you roll. I would say even another example is just even your physical touch with another woman, I mean, you're a side hugger at best.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Yeah. And not that, you know, we're not saying everyone who hugs different, you know, it's all wrong, But you're just thoughtful. It's just it's who you've been.
Speaker 1:Well, want you to feel the boundaries that I've put in my life for ministry for sure, but also boundaries that I put my life for our marriage.
Speaker 2:Yeah. 100%. That has respected. Marriage. Yeah.
Speaker 2:It's it's respected me. It's it's honored me. I've never doubted that you love me like that.
Speaker 1:Another way that we can show respect to our spouse is, we kind of touched on this a little, but how we speak of our spouse to others and how we speak to one another. I've often said that you become the most relaxed and you should with your person. I am the most myself with you, I'm the most guard down with you, and there's something wonderful about that, but there's also something dangerous about that. That we let our guard down with the people that we love the most, but sometimes that means they get the worst version of us. True.
Speaker 1:And we can just spout off. Well, words are dangerous. There's power in our words. Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry because anger does not produce the right life that God desires. You've gotta watch the mouth.
Speaker 1:And so put up, it's good to be relaxed, it's good to be authentic, but you need to be your best self still with the people that you love. And that includes the way you speak to one
Speaker 2:another. Well, the more comfortable you are, the more sin crouches at the door. Yeah. Just know that about your own self. It has nothing to do even with your spouse, although that spouse is dealing with the same truth.
Speaker 2:That that that comfort cannot equate let it all out. Yeah. And so to be aware of that. I think other ways and some of these we win, some of these we lose, you and me in our marriage, Ways to show respect, I think, words, tone. You know, as you said, just the tone of voice which we talk, attention.
Speaker 2:When like, sometimes when you're with someone so much, if not careful, that person might be talking and you're not really even listening because you're thinking about your own thing, doing your own thing, you're in your own lane. That's something you and I at times will just catch each other on of just, hey. We don't wanna slip into such a comfort that we're not respecting one another with hearing each other or just the phone, you know, putting it down when you're on your date. If you're on a date with your spouse, let that let them have your full attention. It's just those different ways of respecting.
Speaker 2:And I think as a wife, some of the things that I would advise and that I also seek to do myself is just what are the words I speak over you?
Speaker 1:The
Speaker 2:respect and and just the who I see you to be. Those are I wanna find times when I tell you who I see you to be and the and the good things, the potential, the blessings, the character, the things that I've watched in your life to speak those things. Yes. And you said this earlier, but I just wanna underscore it. Do not disrespect your spouse with other people.
Speaker 2:Don't dog them. Now everybody there's place for humor, but even watch it. Yeah. With your humor, watch it. It can slip so quick into disrespect, and you might not even intend it.
Speaker 2:But be thinking, I want to lift my husband up or my wife up in front of others. And if you've got something you wanna share with a trusted person that helps you in your marriage, let it be someone that you both agree on. Let it be someone that your spouse knows they're for us, they're for me. And even then, have great intention with your words.
Speaker 1:Kids. How we speak
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah.
Speaker 1:Of of our spouse to our kids
Speaker 2:Big time.
Speaker 1:Is very important.
Speaker 2:Big time.
Speaker 1:Again, you just let down all your guard with the kids and you're just not speaking appropriately. One of the gifts that my mom gave us is whenever dad would be working really hard as a pastor and he'd be at late night meetings or whatever it was, instead of complaining to us, and I'm sure she had her complaints, but instead of complaining to us, she would always just say, Oh, your dad, he worked so hard. That's what she would do. I can hear it now. Oh, your dad, he works so hard.
Speaker 1:That was so honoring. Wow. And if they had a problem, I didn't see that. Now, occasionally, growing up, I saw them get into arguments or whatever, but that's the dominant thing I remember is, oh, your dad, he works so hard.
Speaker 2:That's so sweet, and that's so real. And that's those are choices that we make in marriage that impact generations. I mean, it impacts you to this day.
Speaker 1:Okay. Let's do another one. What struggles did y'all face at the beginning during dating, early marriage, raising your firstborn, and how did the relationship flourish? Okay. This is a whole podcast.
Speaker 1:What
Speaker 2:struggles did y'all face at the beginning during dating? What was our struggles during dating?
Speaker 1:I don't really remember. Okay, I can give you We have a historic struggle.
Speaker 2:We do?
Speaker 1:Yes, yes. The big, big struggle that we had, we struggle like every couple does, just figuring it out and communication and all those things and just all those things, normal dating. But I remember early on, we were trying to figure out just how close we are. And I had been on a big, big trip.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And I'd gone overseas and had come back, and I was mega jet lagged, mega jet lagged. This is before phones, we didn't have cell phones. Think you might have had a pager, I didn't have a
Speaker 2:I did had a pager.
Speaker 1:But we had agreed that we were going to get together when I got back and we were going to see each other and all that. And I was going to call you and I never called you.
Speaker 2:Yes. Well,
Speaker 1:You kept waiting.
Speaker 2:You know, in your dating, you're in different seasons of your dating. We were in that chapter in our relationship where it wasn't fully secured. In fact, I think we'd gotten into some fight before you left to go way out of town, just working some stuff out. Right? And so it's like, where are we?
Speaker 2:And we'd resolved it before you left town, but it was just a little shaky. Where are we? Yeah. And then turns out, you know, we had an event that night, and it's time to leave for the event. I haven't heard from you.
Speaker 2:And I didn't know.
Speaker 1:Do you remember what the event was?
Speaker 2:Oh, I don't remember.
Speaker 1:I don't remember.
Speaker 2:It was a
Speaker 1:Movie or something?
Speaker 2:Party at church, a gathering of some kind. It was something. But anyway, I didn't know you were sound asleep. You had jet lag out cold.
Speaker 1:I was out cold.
Speaker 2:But me, mad as a hornet, took off and drove to Waco to go see my sister who was still in college and went to spend time and hang out with old friends there.
Speaker 1:Old friends.
Speaker 2:Okay. Well, he one was an ex boyfriend. But we didn't kiss or anything. Was just I was like, I'm done. I'm out.
Speaker 2:I'm gone. And you paged me a
Speaker 1:big Then I went to the event. I woke up for the it was a church event.
Speaker 2:Was
Speaker 1:it? Yeah. And I woke up and I'm like, where is she? Where is she?
Speaker 2:Really?
Speaker 1:And so I'm reaching out, I can't get you. Then we had a humdinger when you got back. So that's an example of just missing each other, circumstances, it's bumpy. And then when we were engaged, I remember just, and I think a lot of couples who love Jesus, try to do it God's way, can relate to me on this one. I just remember like, Ugh, I can't wait until the day where I don't have to say goodnight.
Speaker 2:That's so cool.
Speaker 1:Remember that? Where I was just like, okay, I'm gonna go home now.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And you know, we both fought for purity in our dating relationship and God was kind to us in that journey, But it was a fight at times, and and I think that goes back to our earlier question of just be with a partner that you're both committed. Yeah. It was such a relief that both of us desired to be pure with the Lord and pure with each other, And so it made the fight easier.
Speaker 1:So good.
Speaker 2:Made the fight easier.
Speaker 1:And then the question moves on. Talks about what about with raising your firstborn?
Speaker 2:Well, an early marriage. Early marriage. Early
Speaker 1:marriage. Sorry.
Speaker 2:Working it raising your first born.
Speaker 1:Okay. Bumps Struggles. Bumps in early marriage. Let's think about that.
Speaker 2:We're fiery.
Speaker 1:We're fiery. Now we had a lot of stress and a lot of young couples do. Yeah. When you're in those early days, you're trying to establish yourself financially and we were definitely in that position.
Speaker 2:Well, two weeks after our honeymoon, I lost my job and I was the breadwinner because you were in school.
Speaker 1:And we're not gonna say the amount, okay? But we were, I was cleaning out some documents. I found my tax return from our first year of marriage. Yeah. And I saw how much I was making and I don't know how we
Speaker 2:made No, that's survivable.
Speaker 1:Don't know how. I was a student. Yeah. So I was not full time, but I was working full time, but I was only paid part time. I was a college pastor at the time.
Speaker 1:And you were just getting your first job and then you lost your job. Yeah. The whole division got liquidated. Yeah. And so you were caught in that, your boss, his whole area.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I think those that you know, we can share some wins and some losses. Some wins and losses come to my mind. There was a win in that pressure moment because and we and we probably will repeat this story many times because it's our story.
Speaker 1:It's our story.
Speaker 2:But when I lost my job and I call you and you come home and I tell you, and we cannot see provision, we do not know. We in that moment and you led me, but we got on our knees in that little one bedroom apartment, newly married, I mean, two weeks, and we prayed and we praised. We did. I still remember the song. It was written by our friend, Bill Jones.
Speaker 2:Yep. I will run to you.
Speaker 1:Yeah. We were it was a song we sang in our college ministry.
Speaker 2:At that time, and I will run to you. We just running meaning to God, and we just ran to God with our worship in that one bedroom apartment on our knees. And that for me, that is a forever marker. Forever. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because that we were in a struggle, a real struggle. And and that's where we that's where we knew to run. And that's been, I would say, characterized much of our marriage. I would say a loss and that we gotten much better at is, you know, back to we're fiery.
Speaker 1:I knew I knew you were going here.
Speaker 2:So why don't you tell all of our stories? But I think something I've learned is early in those early years, I mean, just my emotions.
Speaker 1:Me
Speaker 2:too. My hormonal swings and not even just hormonal, just me as I a
Speaker 1:don't know that I'm ready to blame it on hormones.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Just fiery. And it was funny now, you know, not funny then funny now, is some people are you're just opposites attract and you're different and and that's a whole thing in marriage. And there's places where that's true for us. But in the emotional side, we're just very matched.
Speaker 2:And so, you know, one fires off and the other's firing back and off we go. But God, I think over the years, individually, like I can speak inside of me, he has just refined that. Yeah. And just, you know and there'll still be moments when I'll feel emotions rare up, but it's that learning honestly to deny yourself, to to die, take up your cross, and to follow God. And I believe that's that's an area.
Speaker 1:We fought poorly. We fought poorly. It wasn't good fighting. And we had to figure that out. We had to figure out communication.
Speaker 1:We had to figure out conflict. All of those were very, very real for us.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay. How about with the firstborn with Elle? Let's think about How did we do that?
Speaker 2:Question. Struggles in raising your firstborn. Well, I had never really babysat before. I mean, like, maybe I can count on one hand babysitting babies. So I just didn't I didn't know.
Speaker 2:I didn't know. And I and everybody's different. Whenever I was that younger girl, I was excited about marriage, but I wasn't really like craving children. And I was like, I'll just be excited when they're grown. I mean, was so weird.
Speaker 1:Some girls, they grow up excited to babysit. They're playing with dolls, imagining being a mom. Yeah. And that's wonderful, but that was not your story.
Speaker 2:For whatever reason. And then I have my first baby, and I'm over the moon. I can't even believe these emotions and this love
Speaker 1:It was as if you were that girl.
Speaker 2:Whole time. Right. But with that said, I also that was a season for me struggle wise where fear became more pronounced in my life. Because it started with, you know, bringing her home from the hospital, and I don't know what to do with her. And I'm she's crying like a I mean, she's so upset.
Speaker 2:I think she's dying. I think she's broken. I'm calling the the nurses back in the, you know, nursery at the hospital. Here's what's happening. And they're like, sweetheart, I think your milk hasn't come in, and she's hungry.
Speaker 2:It's that basic. But I'm like, she's broken. I'm breaking her. And so I think that was, you know, just a kickoff right in the first, you know, firstborn days of parenting. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:But there and this is a larger story for me that I'm excited to share over time. But there was some seeds of fear in my life that were taking root and showing themselves through parenting because you're responsible for this little human for the first time who will not survive if you don't care for her. And so I would say that was a struggle.
Speaker 1:And then your fear and worry trigger me because that's my kryptonite. Don't function well in an environment of
Speaker 2:Fear based.
Speaker 1:Fear, fear based motivation or worry based motivation. That's It really triggers me. And so I, instead of caring for you with your fear and your worry, instead of caring for you, I would be repelled. I would react and it would lead to conflict. Just all these things that we
Speaker 2:That you work out and you learn. And and what's wonderful is that you didn't overcorrect to coddle me. That's another thing. You don't wanna coddle your spouse's brokenness. That's not loving them.
Speaker 2:But to see the brokenness and to lead them and love them and pray for them through it, that's that's some of the things that we would suggest.
Speaker 1:Next question. My husband is a believer, but I fear he just doesn't have his own relationship with God. Is there anything besides prayer I can do to encourage him? I just want it to click for him.
Speaker 2:Oof. So that makes me think of that verse, and this is where I always have to Google verses. But basically, that it says to win him over without a word. And that's a really tough, I mean, scripture, but it's really talking about the unbeliever. You're saying your husband, you do believe, is a believer, but he doesn't have a relationship God, which actually those two things are opposite.
Speaker 2:So either he has a relationship or he doesn't.
Speaker 1:Well, he's a Christian
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But he's just not passionate. He's not, you know, he's
Speaker 2:You don't see the fruit of a closeness Yeah. Maybe passion like you're saying. Yeah. So yeah. So in that case, I think the principle of that scripture still applies of how do we win over our husband.
Speaker 2:It's loving him well. It's it's me being if that if I'm in that position of an area where maybe I see something in you that I'm praying for growth in, rather than me deciding, oh, I'm gonna be the instrument for your growth, that just usually doesn't go well. To don't diminish the prayer part daily, hourly, depending on your situation. Be in prayer for that spouse on your knees. At times, maybe fast for them.
Speaker 2:They don't even ever have to know. And it's you're just taking some time and you're fasting, and that's your prayer that you're bringing to God. And then asking the Lord, a, is what I'm longing for for my husband, is it real in me? And how do I express that in our marriage? Am I lifting my hands in passionate worship on a Sunday, and then I'm snarky with my words that afternoon?
Speaker 2:That's a mismatch. That's an inauthentic inauthentic relationship. And so I think really just asking God, what can I do to model and show him And just praying for that to ignite in his mind
Speaker 1:and Also be wise with your yeses and your noes? So for him, and I would say this is true for if your husband feeling this way about your wife, One of the tragic things that I've seen is a person in this exact situation where they're like, or I want my student, I want my child, I want my teenager to love Jesus, or I want my husband to love Jesus. And then let's take the teenager, then you will fill up their calendar where they can't be there on Wednesday nights for student ministry. What? Or you will fill up your calendar where there may be a couple of guys that he clicks with at church that love Jesus and are passionate and they're gonna go on some hunting trip and you're like, no.
Speaker 1:No, you need to find the yes. You need to think wisely about these things and make it a little harder for the wrong friends. Yeah. Like it's a pretty consistent note, but then he'll pick up, okay, I get a yes with these guys I really like over here. The more he spends time with those guys, I promise you, you're gonna see a change because your community really does shape you.
Speaker 2:The word that comes out of that for me is be strategic.
Speaker 1:Oh, it's good.
Speaker 2:And be strategic on your knees. Let the Lord give you the strategy, and then let the Lord empower, you know, you walk in that.
Speaker 1:Yeah. And don't do dumb stuff like, getting drunk or watching stupid movies, just feed the right things.
Speaker 2:Yes, feed the right things.
Speaker 1:Feed the right things.
Speaker 2:It's so good.
Speaker 1:People, it's so frustrating when they want the right thing and then they do stupid things, that just absolutely sabotage their intent. And the Bible calls that foolishness.
Speaker 2:No, that's good. I have a question. Let's go. Here's one that's good. As a single woman in her mid twenties praying for a husband, I feel this pressure to make sure my life doesn't seem too busy for a husband.
Speaker 2:But I'm also all in with what God is doing in my life. So I mean, this person is very content, very happy. Missions, serving at church, leading a small group. Is there a perfect balance? I don't wanna miss my husband because my plate is too full.
Speaker 2:I have thoughts about this. Do you have any?
Speaker 1:Well, you're not wrong to be busy at doing the right things, because this is your life.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:A husband is a gift. At the same time, you wanna put yourself in the position for good things to happen. Yeah. So, yeah, I think it's a real it's a challenge, isn't it?
Speaker 2:It is. And it's a real challenge. And I believe I heard someone say this recently, and I I gotta say, I think I I agree with this. You gotta look at dating and marriage from the bigger picture of history. It is only in the last few hundred years that dating looks like it looks now.
Speaker 2:And even only in the last
Speaker 1:Really is.
Speaker 2:Number of years, like, few decades where it's become what it is today. And now with online dating, it's just so different. I believe that it's helpful. So I heard someone say this, that if you truly desire to have a a godly spouse, treat it just like you would any other goal in your life. If you have a goal in a career and a career path, get educated.
Speaker 2:Take the next steps. Put yourself in position to go forward in that career path. Well, with dating, you just said it, put yourself in position to meet those kind of people, be a student of your own self. God, am I becoming the person I would even wanna be with? Am I gonna attract the type of people that I would want to be with with who I am today?
Speaker 2:And then get to know other people. If you're a guy, be a guy who prayerfully, not playfully. This is very different. Prayerfully takes initiative to take a woman to coffee and get to know her. That doesn't mean you're marrying her today.
Speaker 2:That means you're taking that initiative rather than sitting behind a video game and hoping she drops in your lap or waiting for the girl to have to take initiative. And then with the with the girl, I would say the same thing. Put yourself in position to have conversations with God loving men and have eyes open, be strategic, don't just sit back and wait, but be at the same time, willing to wait on the Lord.
Speaker 1:You know, Susan, the we've seen a lot of young adults find their love.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And pretty much every single one of them, married couples were involved.
Speaker 2:Oh. Come on. Here we go.
Speaker 1:I'm just being real practical here. I'd encourage you to put yourself in a position where you are around godly
Speaker 2:Thriving.
Speaker 1:Thriving people who want you to get married, who want you to find your person. And I was just talking with someone just last night. Young man, this dude is just full of great promise. I was thinking about him and I was like, Man, I want him to find his person. We were at dinner just last night and I said, well, are there any girls in your life?
Speaker 1:And he said, I've been dating someone. And it just so happens now he lives in a different state. His pastor or his dear friend who is a pastor introduced him to this girl.
Speaker 2:There we go.
Speaker 1:And I'm just saying that is money, And sometimes what we've experienced is we will recommend someone, Hey, have you thought about this person? And here's the look they always give. They haven't thought about that And you're opening the door for something, and we've seen some couples get We
Speaker 2:have seen some couples get together.
Speaker 1:We play a little matchmaker. Yes.
Speaker 2:And it's the beauty of God loving community. It's the beauty of of community with people who love Jesus, and that is going to provide the space for that to happen. But also let it be a consistent prayer of your heart. You know, don't don't just go in autopilot.
Speaker 1:Wow. Okay. We could keep going, but So time is we'll do this again. Yeah. And it'll be a lot of fun.
Speaker 1:Maybe we'll take on a different topic.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But we love the q and a, and we loved you joining us for the overflow. We'll see you next time.