Ep 003: Connection over Control

Show Notes

This week we introduce the First Pillar of Relational Parenting!  Fostering Connection to create Cooperation instead of using Control. How to prioritize your sacred relationship with your child, even in the face of intense frustration or conflict. Parenting is hard.  This episode will help.

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Happy Parenting and Good Luck Out There!

Creators & Guests

Host

Jennifer Hayes

Host

Rick Hayes

Editor

Natalie Long

What is The Relational Parenting Podcast?

Welcome to the Relational Parenting Podcast! I’m Jennifer Hayes – a Parent Coach and 20 year Childcare Veteran. Each week I sit down with my own father (and cohost), Rick Hayes, and discuss the complicated issues that parents face today, as well as some of the oldest questions in the book. From the latest research and the framework of my Relational Parenting Method, we offer thought-provoking solutions to your deepest parenting struggles.
Relational Parenting is an evidence and experience based parenting method created by me - Jennie. After 20 years in the child care world, in every scenario you could possibly imagine, I realized one thing: EVERYONE was prioritizing the behavior and performance of a child over their emotional well-being. This frustrated me to no end and when I re-visited the latest research, I realized there was a better way. I started applying the principles I'd been learning in my own self-work, parent-child relationships, and partnerships, and I started gobbling up all the new research and books I could get my hands on. When I saw the results of putting these practices into play with the children I was taking care of - the difference in myself AND the kids I worked with was ASTOUNDING.
I am SO PROUD to be presenting Relational Parenting to the world. I can't wait to hear about your own journey. From Parents-to-be to the seasoned parenting veteran - there's something here for everyone!

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uh but the act of empathy and the ability to
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make choices based on how you affect the world and the people around you that is
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learned welcome to the relational parenting podcast I'm Jennifer Hayes a
0:18
parent coach and 20-year Child Care veteran each week I sit down with my own father Rick Hayes and discuss the
0:25
complicated issues that parents face today as well as some of the oldest questions in the book from the latest
0:31
research and the framework of my relational parenting method we offer thought-provoking solutions to your
0:37
deepest parenting struggles or in other words how to parent your kids without losing your mind or traumatizing theirs
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added bonuses include intergenerational wounding discussions and guest Child
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Care Experts you will also start taking your parenting questions in episode 5 so
0:55
be sure to comment with your biggest questions or email me directly at Jenny
1:01
jennyb.com let's get started hello hello connection over control this
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might be my favorite week you guys this is a big one this is the number one
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pillar of relational parenting when we prioritize our relationship with our
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child even in the hardest moments our child learns to trust us
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the strongest bonds are built in the most harrowing of times and this applies
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to our kids too in this episode we talk about the importance of spending joyful time
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creating connection with our kids as well this episode lays the foundation for
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everything else to come and I am beyond excited to share it with you all right
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so we are here today talking about our topic today is
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Over Control in our parenting so how to parent through difficult moments using
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connection and healthy conflict skills instead of power and control
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so in relational parenting one of our not
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one of our biggest goal is to maintain the connection in the relationship
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even when things are really hard or We're In conflict or our kid is having
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really big emotions about something that we don't think warrants big emotions or whatever
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it might be maintaining that connection instead of worrying about getting a
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behavior to stop or getting a specific response from our kids so yeah so we're
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prioritizing the connection during the hard moments the reason that this is so
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important and why it's one of my pillars of relational parenting is that we
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create bonds and Trust deeper bonds and Trust um during the hard times during conflict
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then we do even in the joyful moments so creating
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joyful moments and connecting with your children and building your relationship with your children in that way is also
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extremely important and necessary for having for any relationship
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is experiencing things and finding Joy together
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but the place that we really Root Down in
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our relationships into trust and lifelong Bond
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is through moments of difficulty or really
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big emotions or really big behaviors when we're talking about kids yeah so
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okay so it creates trust and deeper bonds and we're adding to our children's confidence as well because this when we
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allow our children to have their big feelings and especially when they're small and they have big feelings which
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usually leads to Big behaviors like Tantrums or Screaming or hitting or any
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of those things when we allow those things to happen when they're small and we greet them with understanding and
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calm and curiosity and problem solving when they're little then they are able
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to feel safe in their environment they're able to feel like they can be
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honest about their big feelings and they learn through your example and
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through teaching once they're calm they learn that just because they have a big emotion it doesn't mean that they can
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also have big behaviors and so by the time they're big enough to cause harm
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with their behaviors they've learned not to do that they've learned healthier coping skills which means that you the
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parent get a child who feels safe heard and understood and that means they're
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going to cooperate with you much easier than a child who feels scared or
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powerless or disconnected from the most important person in their life
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and it also just fun fact it actually takes longer to have the power struggle
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with your kid to have the argument to shut them down to send them to their room to force the coat or the shoes onto
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their feet it takes longer and more energy and more frustration to do all of
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that than it does to take a deep breath regulate yourself and
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calmly Comfort your child reassure your child and then problem solve together it
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sounds it feels hard and it sounds harder but it's actually takes
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in general less time less time to do that and it keeps you connected and
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doesn't cause a break in the relationship and those repetitive breaks when our kids are really young
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are detrimental to the parent-child relationship and then
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as the child grows those breaks
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just keep growing so sometimes the uh you know sometimes there is an urgency
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right you know kids about to run out in front of a car no that's that's the time to grab them
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other times you know you have to how do I want to handle this
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so that the uh to keep things calm you know and and get
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through it as as quickly as possible it takes a little practice to get and I
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know I've made the wrong choice made a choice I wish I'd made different dealing with
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something right now as opposed to spending an
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extra minute to get done and and then learn they don't so much learn it right then you're
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not passing on the regulation and and uh right then it's when the kids I remember
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um your brother he'd let fall and watch other little kids they'll fall and skin their knee and they get up and they turn
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and look at their parents when they're real little to see how they should react right it doesn't they don't learn it
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right there when when you're on the way to church or you know whatever work they've
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it kind of it consolidates with them the next time that happens and now they you
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know now they have a memory to work on the idea is to get as many of those kind of memories as opposed to coming put on
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you go let's go you know I'm the I'm the big person you're the little person
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do it my way uh kind of stuff and it gets easier as they get older you know you don't have to keep doing that
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well there's that's a really great example because that's one of like the classic ones that that most people know
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about um is when a kid falls down like they
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look at the people around them to see like oh something big just happened like
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am I scared am I hurt am I whatever and I
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yeah that that's such a great example and they're doing that it's so obvious in that moment and that's such a great
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example um and that's why a lot of people know about it but they're doing it they are doing that 24 7.
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like even when they're playing they've got one ear on you or they've got one eyeball on you or whatever like paper
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quarters yeah like we always joke you know our mom's always joke I've got eyes in the back of my head you know
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no you know you know kids are like how did you know what I was doing or whatever I I think kids have eyes in the back of
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their head and kids have like they don't even know that they're doing it that they're absorbing literally everything around them and so they are constantly
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watching their parents their caregivers and
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mimicking and I mean just think about babies when you're you know you're holding a baby in front of you and
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you're face to face and you're trying to get the baby to you know raise their eyebrows or stick their tongue out or
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stick its tongue out yeah giggle like babies like they will they try to copy
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you they mimic you that's how they learn how to live and so if every time your kid has a big emotion and is letting it
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out through crying or yelling or saying
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no or hitting you or their siblings or themselves or whatever it is if every
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time they do something like that you react with like urgency and freaking out and like trying to stop them and and
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whatever that's what that that's what they're gonna learn to do and so those Tantrums
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are never going to go away though um unless it's fear-based unless they're you know afraid to throw a tantrum
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um but those the way that they handle their own emotions is going to follow them into adulthood
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um and that's how they're going to handle their emotions in all of their relationships and with themselves for
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the rest of their lives unless they were you know get therapy or a coach or
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whatever and learn to do it differently um unlearned some of the stuff as children
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you know what we do what we do we tend to parent unless we work at it we tend to parent with what we picked up as kids
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and you know that's why people are always saying I'm never going to be like my my
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parent in some way or another right and then you catch yourself being like
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your parent I can't believe that just came out of my mouth and uh
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best best not to put it in the head in the first place and even if it's not perfect
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as little as possible you know working at it makes things makes the world a better place you know just you don't
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have to be perfect at it progress not uh Perfection kind of thing
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um like you said you know that they have in that moment when you respond calmly
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and then teach you know once everyone has been heard and everyone has calmed
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down and then you take them out a moment to teach or problem solve with your child
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it's not necessarily then that the next time they have a big emotion they're gonna just magically be able to handle
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it but what's going to happen through repetition is they're going to start building those
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memories those those and and that will become a habit and
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that will turn into their ability to self-regulate eventually
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um you also said something else that I wanted to make sure and expand on which was the
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alternative being like you're trying to get in the car you're late for school
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kid won't get their shoes on or whatever and and you just pick them up you know throw them under your arm and carry them
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and get them in the car seat and like just physically like force them um and you're not necessarily hurting
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them but you are taking away their choice their voice their autonomy
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yeah and you are you're taking you're you're controlling them you are
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um making them powerless you are forcing them to do something and one that's
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terrifying to anyone um and two that also with repetition
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will teach that child that if they don't want to do something
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the only Force that's gonna make them do it is someone outside of
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themselves or a situation outside of themselves that forces them to do it and
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instead of having a conversation with the caregiver about why we need to go
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like here's here's a b and c or here's what's happening here's the timeline
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here's why and really like describing what's going on why we need to get there
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you know School is they don't just wait on one person there's a group of
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students there ready to learn and we need to respect everyone's time right and so really really giving
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you know even a three-year-old can understand that conversation and giving
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them the why behind what we're doing
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will teach them to be able to have discipline and put
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effort into things and respect other people's time when they're older
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and the choices up to them there's no one forcing them to do things if they
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don't ever learn how to do that when they're young they're gonna really struggle with it when they're older and
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when they're adults and they're gonna you know be flaky or just not show up or
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you know all the different things I think that's that's a real important point is
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you want to be careful about putting yourself in the position of being at the mercy of a two-year-old in the middle of
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a meltdown to make good choices nobody makes good choices in the middle of a
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meltdown or an upset but you do want to teach them to make good choices you know
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let them know it's their choice How This Ends or whatever but here here are the
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criteria and the summit because age-appropriate extent got a nap to an
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age-appropriate extent you uh make it get them get them to buy in to
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the program that's at hand yeah that the buy-in the intrinsic
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motivation that we want like I certainly
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I I personally don't have the intrinsic motivation the level of
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intrinsic motivation and discipline that I wish I had you know and I've been an adult for a
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very long time and I've done my own you know taken responsibility for that and and done my own work with that and
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whatnot but I know that growing up whether it was through
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your P like your parenting I don't have like a specific memory about any of that but I know that like I
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was you know there was school and I know that it was like you needed to show up on time and if you were tardy there were
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um consequences and if you you know and and I was kind of always I was kind of always externally motivated growing up
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and I still am today I'm very motivated by the expectations of others
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um and but as I've grown as an adult I also
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have like I know people who have not respected my time and that's been really frustrating
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and so I don't do that to other people now because that's intrinsically motivated in me to not waste other
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people's times and to show a long time for appointments and etc etc outside of
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like the consequence of like oh your appointment's gonna be canceled or you're going to be charged
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you know whatever um like a late fee or whatever it is but
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I I've developed an adulthood the intrinsic motivation to not waste other
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people's times with time because it's been done to me um I'm being considerate yeah being considerate but that can
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start that can start so much younger like that can be taught
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you know a lot of parenting especially when I was a kid a lot of parenting was
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you know you're given a choice between uh do what I say or there's a
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consequence like that was the choice that kids were given was you either you
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can you know you have two choices do it this way or you're in trouble and that's
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not that's not a that's not a real choice right there's no actual Choice there for the time
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giving choices is is giving two actual like equal choices neither of them being
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a punishment um and I think that that type of parenting you know
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led to [Music] me being that type of parenting that
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type of just like the like social environment was set up that way too and yeah there was a lot of like like
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external motivation I was not an internally motivated child yeah at all
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I I wanted to do the right thing so that I would be a
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good kid and show up on time and get good grades and you know blah blah and it it
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externally created good circumstances for me so like the goal was achieved but then
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as an adult who wasn't being told what to do all the time wasn't being handed you know a
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list and a next step and you know I had to like go out in the world and create
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my life I was just like what do I do now there's nobody to just
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not prepared please and show up for
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yeah yeah it's funny how our personalities are formed you studied it
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more than I have but yeah people who are I don't I wouldn't know how to create an intrinsically motivated person
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really because I'm like uh dutiful employee you know makes makes it
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hard for me to be a entrepreneur like you because it's
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you know I'm looking for a system to plug myself into and Excel in rather
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than heck what the world thinks I'll make my own system you know
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interesting well I've wanted to I've had business ideas since I was
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25. like nine years maybe nine years now and
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I think partially I wasn't ready to be an entrepreneur and I dabbled yeah like
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little side gigs while I had um while I had full-time jobs or
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whatever and but I always felt like something I've always felt like something was missing
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and I've always felt like there was something else I was meant to be doing and so you know I obviously I
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had lots of business ideas over those years but I think I finally found the one I'm you know meant to be doing
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because it's what I've been passionate about my whole life but uh
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it has not been super
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easy like as I'm uneasy at all it's been like because I grew up following rules
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following um a template of what life is supposed
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to look like and doing all of the right things
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and then realizing
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my level of Life satisfaction was like gone
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and you know and figuring out what I actually want my life to look like and what I actually want to do with it and
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you know all those things and that's been just in the last four or five years or so and so that's just that's been
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so hard to break out of that like plug into a system and just do it the way it's
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been done you know so yeah so that's you know an added an
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added benefit of of not just keeping the relationship healthy with your kids uh
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not just creating lifelong bonds and emotional intelligence for your children to have throughout their lives but also
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we're creating intrinsic motivation and you said a minute ago that you weren't sure how to do that
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and the secret is empathy so
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when we uh when we show empathy when we
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you know set the example of giving empathy to our children our children then become capable of being empathetic
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and the way that you become intrinsically motivated is
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knowing how something feels when it happens to you and not wanting to do that to other people
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so or understanding a concept of how it feels or how it hurts or whatever to
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someone else and then deciding you get to decide what kind of person you're going to be and so
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you know if children are given the chance especially from a young age
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to they're given the example of what empathy looks like and how they should
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be treated and because how our parents treat us set us up for our expectations
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from friends and partners in life if we give our kids a really strong
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example of being treated well being loved being understood being empathized
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with uh that our children naturally will learn that and they will start to
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cut on to that and be able to give that to other people um we don't come out
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empathetic people like we don't we aren't born with empathy empathy is learned and
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there are you know some people will argue that that you know my my kid is super sensitive to
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everyone around him and he feels everything that we feel and and yes like
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there are levels of sensitive and tuned in that different children have built
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into their personalities uh but the act of empathy and the
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ability to make choices based on how you affect the
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world and the people around you that is learned yeah I agree that's that's an important
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distinction being sensitive is different than attributing
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sensitivity to other people and valuing recognizing that understanding the value
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of recognizing that you know a psychopath or whatever I'm sure they have and I'm thrown around around terms
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I don't understand technically but um you know they have an emotional life
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uh I think it's a psychopathy psychopath that doesn't doesn't see any
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doesn't have any emotion well I guess that maybe that is they don't have any emotional attachment to other people or
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something you know something where you you can have a you can have an emotion but you don't necessarily
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understand that other people are having exactly the same emotions you are and reacting to things you probably do
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the difference between us and them I guess babies do that too you have to learn the difference between yourself
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and other people yeah because you're I mean you're you
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know a common again a common example if a two-year-old or a three-year-old hitting
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a younger sibling you know and the reaction
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is oh no no don't do that you're gonna hurt her you're gonna hurt them they
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don't necessarily understand what that means of course I was you can even say like do
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you like it when you get kicked you know if maybe they're they
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you know the sister has kicked them accidentally walked through they have a friend who has kicked them you can even
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like bring up that concept and be like do you like it when you get kicked and they'll be like no and I'm like well
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she doesn't like it when she gets kicked and they might logically understand that
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but emotionally that connection is still not there like
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their brain isn't capable of it yet but through repetition
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and uh setting the example they will learn
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it um but only if they're taught so and that's a good example I think
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with some something serious you know a three-year-old hitting a two-year-old
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there's there's a minimal amount of damage probably going to happen there but you want but you
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want your child to learn not to do that by the time they're 20. you know and uh so that's where the
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that's where the your regulation as a parent you know or it's handy to be more
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mature than your child uh to word we haven't used I guess mature maybe
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um but to engage take a chance to get you engage your kid and get some cooperation explain
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why for the millionth time maybe but explain and uh
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get things calmed down and show them how to show them how to do that you know
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yeah and it is the millionth time you know you
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involve your child in that conversation and that
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problem solving and ask questions instead of just preaching talking at them again and
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again and again I said this 800 times like once everyone has calmed down and
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we're going to walk through some age specific examples of how to handle these
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situations in a second um but once everyone has calmed down instead of being like we don't hit
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because that hurts people remember instead of saying that because you they
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know they know and they don't have self-control at certain ages and it's going to happen so make me like remember
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don't you remember like that's just gonna cause shame which was our last episode
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um but instead you know that they know the answer ask questions and ask them to
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problem solve with you because that pulls them into a place of emotional maturity and
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they're not just hearing it for the 400th time and they're not just watching
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your example they are now able to verbalize the logic and the rationale behind why
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we don't hit and that gives them a third sensory
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you know input and slash output uh of learning and that's going to help
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solidify that learning and that memory in their brain for the next time too
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it's also going to help them feel really good about themselves when kids are invited into the problem-solving
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conversation they feel accomplished and that builds their confidence and it
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makes them not want to do it next time because now they've proven like I know better and like I learned something and
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I was able to tell it to you and it motivates them intrinsically to not do
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it again kids like to be grown up look how grown up I am I'm acting like a grown-up the
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trick the trick when you're explaining or the goal when you're taking the time investing the time I like to think of it
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as an investment I'm spending time with my child here quality time you know for
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two minutes or five minutes if they're if they're little or even if you're big you know if they need comforting okay
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nobody thinks straight when they're upset we got to get the upset dealt with and uh not let it be a not let it be a
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control thing but it's like okay now everybody's thinking straight the goal is to get them thinking and then they
30:39
then they can process themselves yeah and then it sticks then it's you only
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have to say it 300 times not 400. [Music]
30:55
for yourself then if someone just turns into like that's dangerous don't do it or like don't date you know that
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that you know I'll be bad boys don't date that type of person you know or whatever like you you learn things more
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deeply and profoundly when you learn it yourself
31:16
yeah so so I want to I want to touch on a couple examples of a few different age
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groups here so we tend to spend and I tend to spend
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a lot of time in the zero to five age group because that's where you know all of this all of this begins
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at Birth um and so I tend to spend a lot of time in that zero to five age range because if we can if we can get in and and
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do this inside of those years those crucial developmental ears it sets you
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up for success for the rest of their childhood um
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can absolutely turn things around no matter what age your child is at even if they're adults there's repair and
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healing that can be found so but zero to five so um in the zero to five range big
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feelings are often expressed through loud vocalizations big body movements
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tantruming lashing out at siblings or parents and at this age kids have very
32:24
little self-control ability they are developmentally incapable of
32:29
self-regulation um empathy and understanding so we have to
32:36
greet them with empathy and understanding first um so we have to address feeling the
32:42
feelings first before we can address the behavior and to teach anything
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um kids at this age they have no prefrontal cortex um so they are operating survival mode
32:54
if there's anything that we learn in zero to five
32:59
and you remember and take away from this is that zero to five-year-olds are in survival mode at all times so they are
33:04
in the lizard brain they are taking in their environment they are scanning for danger and they are learning what and
33:11
who they can trust in the world and is my world a safe place mm-hmm and so at this age
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it's all co-regulation it is all watching parents and caregivers and
33:26
learning from them and then watching how they respond to you when you have big
33:32
feelings and from that they are going to regulate accordingly so they're either
33:38
going to regulate to your fear and your yelling and your control and your power
33:45
struggle or they're going to regulate to your calmness your curiosity your
33:51
gentleness your understanding and then they're gonna they're either gonna learn that or
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they're gonna learn the power struggle um
34:03
so then we move into the six-year-old to 12 year old I saw you write something
34:08
down for that age group is there something you wanted to no I was just making a note of the of
34:15
the terms co-regulation you know where you're doing it together um that's an interesting that's a hadn't
34:24
heard that one before that's interesting yeah no that wasn't like a note to say
34:29
something later kids at that age they can't they can't regulate
34:35
themselves they don't they've never learned they don't know how so they are running you know if our if our brains were a gas
34:44
tank and in order to [Music]
34:50
well that metaphor died just as quickly as it popped into my head the thought that
34:56
came to my mind was there's a you know you'll have a new baby getting passed around an older one little babies
35:03
usually aren't a problem but you know kids are okay as long as they're sitting on their mom and dad's lap especially
35:09
moms laugh um and then you come up a new chi-woochie coochie coo and they they
35:14
look at you and then they then they melt down and it's like you know I didn't do
35:20
anything but it's you know there's something going on they didn't let you know you reminded him of something or
35:25
surprised or whatever it was it came out of the peripherals or you happen to just
35:31
be scary to them they've never seen someone who looks like you yet like they're very new everything that you
35:38
just grab their cheek like and they're just like what is happening right now yeah yeah so that's just you know so Mom
35:45
Mom is there you know it's good to have Co co-regulation and say yeah yeah you
35:51
know it's okay don't worry and uh let him calm down and try again
35:56
later maybe he's not I like that term co-regularly
36:01
yeah well they so we learn how to regulate ourselves and our emotions and our nervous systems and when something
36:07
scares us or something really upsets us or whatever like when we're born you
36:14
know like I said we're in survival mode we're trying to make sure we have a full belly
36:19
we're trying to make sure we aren't sitting in our own feces we're trying to make sure that we get enough sleep and
36:25
every and then anything that we visually you know all the sensory intake so the things that we touch the things that we
36:32
see the things that we hear um things that we taste all of those things tell us send us signals like
36:39
you're safe You're Not Safe you're safe You're Not Safe yeah and until you get exposed to enough things in life to
36:47
start to learn what's safe and what's not you require a caregiver to give you that
36:53
physical closed closeness and that emotional verbal feedback of like you're
36:59
safe I'm right here I know that was scary it's okay I'm right here like
37:05
you know so the empathy the empathy and the and the co-regulation the physical co-regulation
37:12
um as well as the verbal co-regulation code just means to it just means that
37:18
they're not doing it by themselves yeah yeah leading the way but in order to have in order to be able to
37:24
co-regulate with your child you also have to be able to self-regulate that's
37:29
the secret yeah um and that is the hard part right so
37:36
moving on to our six to 12 year old
37:41
kiddos so we've been in the world for a while we've met lots of people maybe
37:47
we've you know started going to school uh we have friends we're learning lots
37:54
of things outside of the home we're in that cognitive social area
38:01
um and so big feelings are often expressed through things like arguing
38:07
Defiance negotiating crying or secluding
38:12
um themselves internalizing their feelings or and or blaming others
38:19
for what happened whatever the situation might be so blaming mom and dad and
38:25
blaming sibling blaming friend blaming teacher things like that and so
38:32
um so generally in a sec in six to 12 year olds they know logically and
38:37
rationally what to do but their feelings are still bigger than their self-control some of the time and so our expectation
38:45
of 6 to 12 year olds you know raises and especially there's a huge difference
38:51
between six-year-olds and 12 year olds um but our expectations go up right
38:57
we've taught we've co-regulated you know they know in their minds what's okay and
39:04
what's not and what causes harm and different ways of coping with different
39:09
emotions but there's prefrontal cortex is still under is still not fully
39:15
developed um and they still need help and some co-regulation and
39:22
a lot of the time in this age group that happens through curiosity questions
39:28
and pulling them into the problem-solving process so we we start we start pulling kids
39:36
into the problem-solving process when they're little that zero to five age but the six to twelve the cognitive leaps
39:43
that happen um in six to 12 year olds really start to give them that ability for rational
39:50
thought and logical um you know an abstract consequential
39:58
thinking so they're able to you know have like a real like almost like an
40:05
adult conversation right um yeah so
40:12
the the the touchy part here at this eight
40:18
at this age is their ability for abstract thinking has
40:25
developed um that can also mean they're now capable of
40:31
starting to have things like self-shame and self-worth issues and so we can cause shame and self-worth
40:39
issues in zero to five year olds but in general zero a zero to five year
40:46
old brain is not thinking to themselves I'm so bad and I sh you know I shouldn't
40:52
have done that and um like a little bit it starts a little bit in that age group
40:57
um but this six to 12 year old age group is really when that capability uh you
41:04
know develops in the brain um and so this is babies babies have to
41:10
learn that they're separate than their parents or something don't they there's like an age
41:15
I know it didn't happen at a certain age for everybody and that's why parents are so important because the parent's the
41:21
only one that really keeps track of those details in development of each child and uh yeah but that you know the
41:29
kids are unaware that they that they're a person for a long time until they get older and they can you
41:36
can start to start to rationalize with them start yeah coach them that
41:42
so that so yeah so that abstract thought of like I'm me and you're you
41:49
and they're learning you know that the things that I do like how I affect the
41:56
world around me if I do this then this happens when I do that that happens
42:03
and they're really starting to like put all those pieces together
42:08
um and so making sure here that we are still offering empathy when they're with
42:14
big emotions happen we're offering empathy we're giving understanding and saying I hear you that sounds
42:22
frustrating um you know I understand how you feel validating their feelings things like
42:29
that and then and then again once everyone's calm and feels heard and
42:34
understood that's when we can teach that's when we can actually teachings
42:40
yeah that's when problem solving happens and making sure that that we're validating
42:47
feelings without justifying Behavior but making the feelings wrong is what's
42:54
going to cause that like self-shame and self-doubt and lack of self-worth
42:59
um being like I shouldn't have you know that's not something that's not something to cry over that's you know
43:05
there's starving kids in Africa and you have a meal on your plate why are you crying over not wanting to eat spaghetti
43:10
like that's that's not that's going to cause major self-shame issues okay
43:17
that's not the best approach yeah um
43:22
yeah so we enter teenage years everyone's favorite
43:28
uh so we're entering the teenage years and so here big feelings are often
43:35
expressed through yelling arguing breaking boundaries and rules
43:40
um so showing that I'm independent showing that I can do that you can't control me that I can make my own
43:46
choices and make my own decisions um Rebellion but it's like Rebellion isn't
43:54
isn't a necessary part of being a teenager
44:00
make no independencies yeah independent and that's the point I
44:05
was making I love that six to twelve or or you know that when they're they've
44:10
got some your kid has developed some basic confidence now you're really now
44:15
you're really training them and now they're really watching you on a conscious effort
44:21
you know you drink beer why can't I and and and you start to get to really talk
44:26
with them and then they I always thought of it as building con
44:32
competence in you guys after a few years of that they get to an age where they
44:38
okay I know where the boundaries are and I want to be different or whatever the motivation is and and that's
44:46
if at that point all they've been taught is is uh do do
44:54
what do what Dad does or you get a whack or whatever you know if it's just
44:59
uh parents way or the highway and they want to exert their Newfound competence
45:06
you know like hey I can drive see you sit in the driver's seat and turn a key
45:11
and at the gas pedal I can I can do that you know and they'll start to act out
45:17
I guess partly for attention but partly just to exert their independence and and back to I look how grown up I am I can
45:24
do these things and that's sometimes that turns into like Rebellion and uh
45:30
it's better that they think about things you know to up to that point it's better if you've taught them to think about
45:36
things and have a reason for what they're doing you know yeah yeah so the Tina I look I look at that
45:43
whole age group uh as kind of a Continuum it's not a you know there's not I guess there's
45:49
steps you notice kids develop in in you know you turn around you go wow you you
45:55
know I've just noticed you've grown up a lot since yesterday you know so it kind of Clicks in a notch
46:02
um but then that whole that whole that whole age range from I'm a baby to
46:09
you know I'm gone uh living my own life now that's all that's a big Continuum to
46:15
me of picking up skills picking up regulation you know it's uh it's a long slow
46:22
slide and I they're all my favorite they're all they're all my favorite uh stages too I
46:30
just I just love watching kids and fun seeing where they're at and and doing that I do that
46:36
to kids I run into probably I'm probably over per rental but I just love watching
46:41
kids develop and helping them develop and uh seeing how they develop differently you
46:48
know they get more personality as they get older yeah and you're right there it is a
46:54
Continuum so I broke this down broke this down for just for the sake of
47:01
examples and people who are in the middle of parenting different age groups but
47:06
um it's the skill is the same no matter how old they are
47:13
so the um offering empathy and understanding and and validating feelings you have to
47:21
do that in no matter how old somebody is 0 17 95.
47:28
everyone that's why there's value in teaching it because there's you know yeah it never goes away
47:35
um but how you do that depends on the age appropriateness of
47:41
different things so in 18 year olds you know if all they've known is like you
47:49
said do what Dad tells you to do or do what mom tells you to do if they've
47:54
never learned intrinsic motivation or value or learned how to think about
47:59
their choices they've just been told what to do and you need to do it then by the time they're 13 and 18 and those
48:06
very Natural Instincts of Independence and making my own choices kick in then
48:12
they're not going to know how to make good choices and all they're going to know is that I'm gonna do the opposite
48:17
of whatever you say that's right because I'm you know
48:23
hormones and brain development and like it's what they're supposed to do they're supposed to start learning how to be
48:29
independent and kids are going to do what they are meant to do at the age they're meant to do it whether you the
48:34
parent are prepared for it or not and so we need to we need to stop
48:41
trying to put kids into a box and make them be a certain thing and we need to
48:47
shift our parenting to accommodate who our child is
48:52
and that requires us to be regulated emotionally intelligent people and
48:59
unfortunately a lot of us were not raised to be regulated emotionally
49:04
intelligent right because you have to be you have to be in tune with yourself in order to tune into to someone else even
49:12
your own kid um like there's no magic there's no you know there's there's
49:19
oxytocin and there's a bond created when when a child is born but there's there's
49:25
no magic switch that turns on when you become a parent you're still the person you were before that baby was born and
49:33
if you don't learn these skills and you learn how to be regulated and calm and curious
49:41
you can't tune in to the creature that your child already is
49:47
um and you will just go off of your instinctual survival
49:52
how you were parented and how you you know you're you're gonna parent-based out of your fears of what you don't want
50:00
your child to be or whatever um
50:05
yeah thoughtful parenting that's yeah I think that's why we touching back on we
50:10
talked about uh uh extrinsically motivated
50:16
you know I I I'm thinking back now that's that's the way I was raised be a
50:22
good employee work hard that kind of traditional stuff and
50:28
less thoughtful I think is the word that popped into my head you know it was it was more automatic
50:35
you know you're tired you're working there's limited time there's there's multiple kids it's not just you and one
50:42
kid and sometimes time is short and uh it takes took me a long time to learn to
50:50
be thoughtful in my reactions to situations and I'm not
50:56
always you know it's not like I'm perfect but um you'll learn that there's a if you're
51:03
working for a goal then you have to you have to stop and think about it and uh for just a second get it's like
51:10
switching modes you know it's like okay I need to get out of what I was doing right now the urgency
51:16
thing and say okay stop this is a parenting moment to style
51:22
before you before you go back it requires I don't require some kind of Trigger or
51:28
um falling back on a on a goal on a principle I'm not sure
51:34
what I'm trying to articulate here um but yeah you gotta you gotta stop and
51:39
think when you're dealing with your kids if you want to have kids who stop and
51:45
think and are regulated and you know regulate yourself well and being able to
51:53
just like being able to step out of the urgency when you recognize oh this is a
51:58
parenting moment but taking it one step further and being that person all the
52:04
time so it will serve you the parent to be calmer and more Curious like you will
52:11
you will approach the world calmly you will you know you won't get
52:16
like frantic and frustrated and overwhelmed constantly because you're letting everything around you dictate
52:23
how you feel like if you can become that person all of the time or most of the time
52:33
then you will naturally parent that way instead of there needing to be this like
52:39
switch of like I'm gonna go be this like overstimulated overwhelmed frantic
52:46
person but when my kid talks to me I'll calm down that's also not realistic like
52:52
and that's you know that's harder that's true that's true and that's a
52:58
learned thing you have that's growth for everybody involved yeah as a parent you know you got to learn to you're right
53:04
you can't just turn it on like a switch yeah so yeah so
53:10
um I just want to finish off the teenage example real quick is um so
53:16
teenagers are seeking Independence and what they want more than anything is
53:22
Trust so you know if you've done your job as a parent and you've taught them
53:28
you know this is the age where where you know giving an inch here and there and
53:35
and giving them you know a longer leash or whatever you want to put it giving them some Independence giving them an
53:41
opportunity to make choices and screw up and like
53:47
you know parenting is also like have
53:52
expect failure expect mistakes because if you go into parenting expecting your
53:58
child to rise to the occasion and make the right choice then you are constantly
54:04
going to be disappointed in your child and that's not fair because I still walk out of the house and make bad choices in
54:10
the morning like it's like we no one is perfect and your child is still learning how to be a human being so seeking
54:18
Independence and Trust uh in the teenage years and
54:24
you know when they screw up they require the same empathy feelings being validated
54:31
understanding of their perspective about why they made that choice uh because very rarely does anyone just make a
54:39
choice with no reasons behind it there's always a reason and a feeling and a thought and like there's always
54:45
something and maybe the way they thought about it isn't healthy or conducive to making a good
54:55
choice making a healthy choice and so you can through a healthy conversation
55:00
talk through their thought process instead of shaming them and punishing
55:07
them and then all they learn is to hate you instead of actually learning how to do it differently next time
55:14
um dealing with the dealing with the action and not the why doesn't teach anybody anything you don't
55:21
learn about them what's going on in their heads they don't learn how to make a better choice
55:26
the next time yeah and just the exercise of why why do you think you did that why
55:32
you know what were you thinking um that that promotes uh learning to
55:38
name an emotion you know golly I don't know why I just felt but uh and uh it's
55:44
good to start naming emotions they get older and have words and and get more mature then it's good to teach them
55:50
those skills too real quick I would ask you
55:56
if you noticed what was because you even said that there was a Continuum here right of the 0 to 18 it's not all just
56:04
like no no human develops exactly at the same
56:10
level same age all the time right but um did you notice what was the same
56:17
no matter what the age group was what was the same need
56:23
in each age group well
56:29
so to be for me it kind of It kind of breaks down
56:35
to no matter what the age is you have to treat kids with some respect
56:45
as a separate human being you know they're not just somebody to be bossed around and gotten to school and and
56:52
gotten ready uh the common thread for me is is uh uh
56:59
teaching keeping things keeping things pretty regulated so you so you can teach so you
57:06
can be a parent to them um
57:12
teaching teaching how to deal with life Pro you know there's other ways to say it but just uh
57:19
it's just teaching passing on skills that will make them more competent to deal with
57:27
what the world's gonna send them you know as they get older especially after they're 18 you know tall training for
57:34
when they're adults
57:41
what do we have to do first you gotta have calm you got to have a
57:46
relationship you have to have a you know if it's a if you if you look at
57:51
it like a parent child or a teacher student kind of thing which is kind of the way I look at it
57:58
um you have to have that relationship where they'll listen and since you're a grown-up you're kind of in
58:05
charge especially when they're little you're kind of in charge of creating that uh that environment that relationship
58:12
and as we get older you start to share it what creates that environment we're getting there this is fun okay
58:19
okay so in order to teach you've got to have a relationship and in order to have a relationship you have to have a safe
58:25
environment that's what you said in order for a safe environment what creates that safe environment
58:32
you're trying to get me to say a specific word the word is Trust or
58:39
trust is part of the safe environment I'm not sure
58:45
when a four-year-old is throwing a tantrum what's the first thing you do do you teach in a lesson
58:51
no no you call him calm him down hell
59:01
you talk you hold you do you you settle his nervous system
59:07
um you hand him to his mother if you're not his mother all right if you're somebody who can
59:13
calm you too find an adult to handle the situation
59:20
immediately I don't want to be holding someone else's crying child right
59:27
you I don't know Melody you validate their feelings validate okay that's a
59:34
news first yes yes empathy lead with empathy feelings first
59:41
we validate we have to address the feelings before and that is what calms
59:46
the nervousness that's interesting the nervous I think of that with is activated by emotions
59:52
once we can move the emotion whether that's through you know hugging holding
59:58
I hear you that sounds so frustrating I'm so sorry that you're feeling that that's oh that's a big feeling just
1:00:05
speaking to the feeling because sometimes kids are tantruming they need to move their bodies and flail you can't just like
1:00:11
you know tuck them in they're just gonna be like let go they need to move the emotion and that's
1:00:17
okay there's nothing wrong with that as long as they're not hurting you know themselves or someone else yeah
1:00:23
but just speaking to emotions speaking to the feeling and validating it for them no matter what age they are so
1:00:30
if they're 18 and throwing a tantrum we're valid we're validating I get how
1:00:37
you felt that I unders like oh that's so frustrating I hate it when someone does that to me yes yeah I hear you that like
1:00:45
instantaneously going to calm someone down and be like oh yeah I feel seen I feel
1:00:50
heard like you get me you get it okay we're calm
1:00:57
let's talk about the behavior let's talk about how to handle that better in the future so that's right you're allowed to
1:01:04
feel anything you want you're not allowed to act yes if you want to get along in society
1:01:10
you gotta you gotta learn to not act any way you feel like or well and even then
1:01:16
you know why feeling that way doesn't necessarily mean hitting your little brother yeah no
1:01:23
that makes a lot more sense I think of that validation brings to me a picture
1:01:28
of an older child but I can absolutely see the value of teaching that at a
1:01:33
younger age that just didn't come to me all right it's life-changing at a younger age I just want to say that to
1:01:39
all the parents and toddlers out there this will change your life if you do this to your toddler to your
1:01:47
two-year-old four-year-old three-year-old five-year-old like like your kids understand so much more
1:01:53
than we give them credit for and validating even your infant the research
1:02:01
shows even an infancy a child who for example
1:02:06
hates diaper changes if they are responded to like the diaper
1:02:11
change has to happen right and so you adjust and you make it as comfortable and safe and you know loving as possible
1:02:19
and you're gentle when you're wiping and you know maybe you get the little warmer for the wipes because they're they're
1:02:26
sensitive to the cold yeah um you know but the the tone and the
1:02:33
words that you use with a four-month-old a five month old a six-month-old baby
1:02:39
while you're changing their diaper and they're upset about it it they've literally shown that it like
1:02:45
it calm it calms the nervous system and helps it's not necessarily that the
1:02:51
child will stop crying or stop resisting the diaper change but it the fact that
1:02:58
you're still continuing to change their diaper doesn't cause a
1:03:03
um rip in the relationship of trust between that child and that caregiver
1:03:09
so saying oh you know diaper changes are hard I know this oh this wipe feels so
1:03:16
cold what is that oh my goodness and literally just empathizing verbally empathizing out loud what's happening
1:03:23
observing telling them you understand in a loving tone like they've shown that
1:03:28
the neural activity of the infant responding to those vocalizations is is different and better
1:03:36
and bonding versus a child who's screaming and mom or dad is just saying
1:03:42
you know it's okay it's okay it's almost over diaper oh we gotta change our
1:03:48
diaper though all we just it's okay like even those things that maybe we
1:03:53
think are like oh that's what you're supposed to say to a baby like you know re like reassuring them
1:04:00
still is not anywhere near as effective as validating how they're feeling
1:04:05
telling them it's going to be okay is not the same as saying I hear you this
1:04:11
is so hard I'm so sorry this is so hard for you I'm gonna get you clean and then
1:04:17
you know and describing what you're doing while you're doing it for an infant will also help teach
1:04:23
body autonomy and body awareness and anyway I don't want to yeah
1:04:31
yeah I remember it reminds me of a story helping one of your brothers went through a fell and hit hit the corner of
1:04:40
uh the leg of a chair and put a split in his forehead that required stitches see the bone man
1:04:47
and uh ran him to the emergency room and the doctor was like uh I need you to
1:04:55
hold him down while I clean it out and Stitch it up and so you know I'm sitting there laying
1:05:02
on him he was a big kid and but then sitting there talking to him trying to
1:05:08
reassure him like that um while restraining him I forget how
1:05:14
old he was three or four or five or something and just feeling about this tall but
1:05:22
fortunately in that okay that's one case I remember instinctively trying to like
1:05:27
yeah I know this sex buddy it's not going to last very long I'm sorry I get that it's not like resonating I don't
1:05:34
want to discount reassurance like give your child reassurance especially when something
1:05:39
scary is happening like yeah but it's it's so important to also validate that
1:05:46
they're scared and that they this is scary this is very scary because if all you're saying is it's
1:05:51
okay it's okay it's gonna be okay it's gonna be okay it'll be over soon you're teaching them to ignore their feeling of
1:05:58
being scared and so in the future like your intuition like when people talk about following your gut and your
1:06:05
intuition and like listening to that to that internal like like hey this isn't
1:06:11
safe hey this feels off yeah right if you destroy that when they're a child if
1:06:17
you destroy that like nudge that gut feeling and that knowledge like this
1:06:22
isn't right then when they're adults like they're not gonna they're gonna ignore it they're gonna shove those
1:06:28
feelings aside and they're gonna end up you know making choices based on someone else's opinion or peer pressure
1:06:35
or whatever it might be instead of listening to themselves and knowing what's good for them what's not good for them for them yeah so that's a good
1:06:42
point I've heard people talk about that in the educational system in the American Education you know if you squash
1:06:48
creativity or empathy or you know if you quash things in small kids
1:06:55
and you kind of miss a window it's hard for them to get it back hard for us to get it back
1:07:00
later in life through through growth we're still on the Continuum we're
1:07:06
sitting here talking about it I'm still learning yeah very cool
1:07:12
yeah there's there's a lot of years I wish I didn't
1:07:19
you know everyone is still learning we're all lifelong Learners it's Human Condition but there are a lot of pieces
1:07:27
of this that had I had you known better while you were
1:07:33
raising me I could have spent a lot less time and money in therapy or whatever
1:07:39
absolutely you know I think that's true you've spent paying for someone else to teach me these things as an adult versus
1:07:46
learning them when I was a kid um learning learning General skills to
1:07:51
handle things life throws at you I could spend you know learning to deal with death
1:07:57
uh and and there's just all kinds of things to learn that paying attention to your feelings
1:08:03
and stuff will uh can help uncomplicate not that people don't have grief but
1:08:10
you can deal with things healthier and less healthier with some teaching when you're little
1:08:17
yeah well things are things are absorbed so much faster and more and more deeply
1:08:22
into our subconscious from that zero to five range Things become very like
1:08:29
cognitive and prefrontal memorizing you know it takes longer to learn things
1:08:35
and takes more repetition to learn things once you hit that that like six six year old and on and
1:08:42
it's not again it's not impossible you can always you can always turn things around
1:08:49
um but it will be it will take more effort at those ages um than the natural kind of absorption
1:08:56
type learning that happens from zero to five um a little basic stuff yeah yeah so I
1:09:03
wanted to I just wanted to touch on and we've kind of touched on this
1:09:09
throughout the way that that these um connection using connection over
1:09:15
control uh to to gain cooperation right because
1:09:21
especially in young kids a huge part of why we end up exerting control
1:09:29
and power is that we just need to do something and we just need them to do it now
1:09:38
this whole episode has been about how to connect with your child in order to one
1:09:43
maintain a healthier relationship because that's the goal ultimately here but also to gain cooperation
1:09:51
um and this also applies in the whole the entire family setting versus just a one-on-one parent to child if you're
1:09:58
using these skills as a family unit you know whether it's a one-parent one child
1:10:04
family or a one parent six child family or two parents or you
1:10:10
know whatever your family is using these skills to remain connected no matter
1:10:18
what the situation is is going to create deeper bonds deeper trust and your
1:10:25
ability to work through conflict is going to become much faster much easier
1:10:32
Etc over time um and for children specifically when they're developing these skills and
1:10:38
you're teaching them these skills these relational skills bleed into literally
1:10:45
every other aspect of life so their ability to regulate themselves
1:10:51
is crucial to being able to handle what the world is going to throw at them
1:10:56
throughout their life and it's going to determine their ability to find friends
1:11:04
and maintain friendships and um find you know romantic partners and
1:11:11
maintain Healthy Partnerships and and not end up in like in toxic situations
1:11:22
being an abusive partner becoming a toxic partner
1:11:27
um and it also uh if it actually affects IQ so emotional
1:11:35
there is there is a correlation between emotional intelligence and
1:11:41
IQ level um which blew my mind when I read that and
1:11:47
um so it can actually I mean it's not going to be the difference between like a 90 and a 130 IQ score but it's it's
1:11:54
uh it's it makes a difference yeah yeah it
1:11:59
makes a difference and uh a lot of IQ the IQ tests a lot of people don't
1:12:07
know what that looks like because we're like four when they give us IQ tests
1:12:12
um but I retook my IQ test I think when I was like 18 or something
1:12:18
so I remember vividly what it was and it's almost all problem solving skills yeah yeah it's
1:12:27
problem solving it's not a math quiz or how to spell this word it's problem
1:12:32
solving achievement test yeah and so your ability to be confident and look at
1:12:40
something and trust yourself to be like how to look at something how does this puzzle go together
1:12:47
like if you have like all these self-worth issues and you don't know how things relate to each other and like you
1:12:54
haven't made sense of the world in that way then an IQ test is your score is gonna you know it's gonna be
1:13:00
your ability to problem solve which is your resilience in life yeah right because it's just a constant
1:13:07
barrage of obstacles and problems exactly it's it's all it's all how do
1:13:13
you deal how do you how do you play the cards that you've been dealt you know whatever happens to you yeah
1:13:19
so yeah so I just wanted to to reiterate that how important how important this
1:13:25
piece is it's not just about getting cooperation from your kids it's not just about having a happier more
1:13:33
conflict-free household like yes those are definitely the quality of life matters in those 18 years that you're
1:13:40
raising a child um but it also matters for your child's quality of life for the rest of their
1:13:46
life and so I just wanted to touch on that um before we end here
1:13:54
yeah do you have any do you have any like final not really what you're saying there just
1:14:01
triggered a thought about uh uh some years ago I read uh Daniel
1:14:07
Goldman's emotional intelligence book 90s dating myself I think and uh it hits
1:14:16
on it hits on that too the IQ test is a good predictor of success in School
1:14:22
academic success but not much of a predictor of Happiness people who say
1:14:29
I'm fulfilled or I I hate that word happiness these days it's
1:14:35
um you know but fulfillment and contentment and and general well a feeling of well-being about your life
1:14:41
whatever it is you're doing and passing that on the calmness and the uh you know
1:14:47
the relational the relational aspect of people if you're working working with people and
1:14:54
not you know if you're not living out in the middle of the trees somewhere and you have to get along with people
1:15:00
um EQ your emotional intelligence is a much bigger prediction better predictor
1:15:06
of contentment or or happiness in life
1:15:12
um not just problem solving you know you can problem solving is kind of limited by
1:15:18
what you're what you've been exposed to anyway yeah those are those things I can see how those things go together and
1:15:25
being and being good at relationships that's kind of an emotional intelligence thing right directly that's a better
1:15:31
predictor of getting you through life happy
1:15:37
yes talk awesome what a great note to end on
1:15:43
um yeah cool all right friends and if this
1:15:49
is intriguing to you or you want to learn more or you want to you know
1:15:54
you're struggling with implementing this in your own parenting life in your own
1:15:59
family life there are details in the show notes for how to get in touch with me
1:16:06
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1:16:12
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1:16:27
believe that it takes a village to raise a child
1:16:33
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1:16:38
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1:16:44
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1:16:49
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1:16:54
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