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Happening in Upland is your weekly rundown of what’s going on around town—local news, community events, public safety updates, new restaurants, development, weather, schools, and the stuff Upland residents actually talk about.
Delivered with humor, honesty, and a very local point of view, this isn’t stiff broadcast news. It’s real, relevant information with personality. If you live in Upland or anywhere nearby in the Inland Empire, this is your weekly shortcut to staying in the loop.
MARK: Welcome to another miserable Monday in the city of gracious living, or as I like to call it today, the city of spontaneous human combustion. It's August 24th, 2026, and you're listening to 'Happening in Upland'. I'm Mark, your host who's currently composed of about eighty percent iced coffee and twenty percent pure, unadulterated spite.
JOLEEN: And I'm Joleen, the upbeat ray of sunshine who's just cynical enough to realize that the 'gracious living' part of our city motto usually just refers to the fact that we haven't all killed each other over a parking spot at the Colonies yet. We've got a hell of a show today, mostly because it's literally hell outside. If you're listening to this while stuck in traffic on Foothill, just know that we feel your pain, but we're also probably laughing at you from our air-conditioned studio.
MARK: We've got a lot to get through today, from the absolute shit-show that is the first day of school to a local genius who thought he was in a movie and tried to spartan kick his way out of a robbery. We're also talking about a new taco spot that's actually worth your time and why the real estate market in this town is making me want to live in a literal hole in the ground. If you like what you hear, or if you just want to see if I'll actually drop a heart attack live on air, make sure you like, subscribe, and leave a comment. You can also reach us at upland@thehappeningnetwork.com if you've got some dirt to share.
JOLEEN: Seriously, send us your complaints. It fuels my soul. But first, let's talk about the headline that's currently ruining everyone's commute. Today is officially the first day of school for the Upland Unified School District, and it's like people forgot how to drive over the summer. I saw a line of SUVs at Upland High this morning that stretched back to the Eisenhower administration. It's absolute chaos out there, and I don't use that word lightly.
MARK: Chaos is an understatement, Joleen. It's a goddamn apocalypse with better-dressed toddlers. I saw a parent today try to make a U-turn in the middle of San Antonio Avenue with three kids in the back and a latte in her hand. She looked me dead in the eye with this expression that said, 'I've been awake since four a.m. and I will end you if you honk'. I didn't honk. I value my life too much to tangle with a caffeinated mom on day one of the school year. It's impressive how we do this every year and yet everyone acts like it's a total surprise that school starts in August.
JOLEEN: It's the same routine, isn't it? The same frantic parents, the same confused crossing guards, and the same kids who already look like they're ready for winter break. I heard from a friend at the district that they're expecting some of the highest enrollment numbers we've seen in a while, which explains why the traffic is particularly shitty this morning. If you're driving anywhere near the junior high or the high school, just give up. Turn around. Go back to bed. Your boss will understand, or they won't, but at least you won't be part of the gridlock on 24th Street.
MARK: Speaking of people making bad decisions, let's get into the crime report. We had a real winner this week over at a home improvement store near 8th and Mountain. Apparently, some guy decided that power tools should be free and tried to make a break for it. But here's the best part: instead of just running like a normal criminal, he decided to channel his inner Leonidas and try to spartan kick his way through the doors to get out. Spoilers: the doors didn't give a shit about his '300' fantasies. He ended up getting humbled by a piece of glass and then had the audacity to threaten employees with a crowbar.
JOLEEN: A spartan kick? What an absolute dickhead. Does he think this is Sparta? No, this is Upland, you asshole. You're at a Home Depot, not Thermopylae. It's amazing what people will try when they're desperate or just plain stupid. The police report said they caught him pretty quickly because, surprisingly, trying to kick through commercial-grade glass doors doesn't make for a very stealthy getaway. He's currently cooling his heels in jail, which is probably for the best because he clearly needs a reality check.
MARK: And that wasn't the only retail theft stupidity this week. Over on Foothill and Euclid, we had two women loading up trash bags with merchandise at a grocery store late Saturday night. They were just strolling through the aisles like it was a 'Supermarket Sweep' reboot. The police caught up with them and found the bags full of stolen goods. I don't know what it is with people thinking trash bags are the perfect accessory for a crime spree, but it's not working. You're not being sneaky when you're dragging a sixty-gallon Hefty bag behind you like a deranged Santa Claus.
JOLEEN: It's the lack of effort that really gets me, Mark. If you're going to commit a crime, at least have some respect for the craft. A trash bag? That's just lazy. But seriously, the retail theft in this city is getting out of hand. I read a report that says it's up twenty percent over the last year. That's why we're seeing all the wine locked up behind plastic shields now. I just want to buy a bottle of cheap Pinot without having to track down a teenager with a key who looks like they hate their life. It's depressing.
MARK: Everything is depressing when you look at the stats, but let's pivot to something that might actually taste good. We finally have a reason to go back to downtown Upland that isn't just to look at the pretty trees. 'Taco Bout Good' is back! They've opened up at 228 North Second Avenue, and honestly, it's about damn time. They're doing a soft opening right now with a limited menu, but if you've been around long enough, you know their tacos are the real deal. I went by yesterday and the place was already buzzing.
JOLEEN: Oh, I love that place. Francisco really knows what he's doing with a tortilla. I heard they're keeping the menu simple for now just to get the flow right, but honestly, give me a couple of al pastor tacos and a cold drink and I'll be happy. It's nice to see some life coming back to that part of Second Avenue. For a while there, it felt like downtown was just a collection of empty storefronts and people wondering where the hell everyone went. It's good for the city to have these local spots actually thriving again.
MARK: I'm just glad it's not another bank or a real estate office. We have enough of those. I need more places where I can eat my feelings for under twenty bucks. Speaking of eating your feelings, I also saw that 'Upland Pizza Company' is getting some rave reviews for their margherita pizza lately. Someone told me it's the best in the city. I haven't tried it yet because I'm still recovering from a taco-induced coma, but it's on the list. If you're looking for a weekend spot, maybe check them out before everyone else finds out and ruins it.
JOLEEN: Good luck with that. Nothing stays a secret in this town for long. If you're looking for things to do this week that don't involve stuffing your face, the Upland Public Library has some stuff going on. They've got their 'Craft Corner' and some writing workshops. It's a good place to hide from the sun if you don't have good AC at home. Plus, it's free, which is my favorite price for anything. They're really trying with these community programs lately, and I have to give them credit for making the library feel like more than just a place where I used to go to print out my tax forms.
MARK: The library is great, but let's talk about the weather, because it's the only thing people are going to be bitching about for the next seven days. If you haven't seen the forecast, let me be the bearer of bad news. It's going to be fucking hot. We're looking at 100 degrees today, 101 tomorrow, and it peaks on Wednesday and Thursday at 102. There's an extreme heat warning in effect until Friday night. If you see someone walking their dog at two p.m. on the asphalt, please feel free to tell them they're a total dickhead for burning their pet's paws.
JOLEEN: Seriously, keep your dogs inside. If you wouldn't walk barefoot on the street, don't make your dog do it. But back to the heat, 102 is basically the temperature where my brain starts to melt. I tried to go for a run this morning at six a.m. and it was already seventy-one degrees. I gave up after five minutes and went back for a donut. It's just not worth it. The city is opening up cooling centers, so if you're feeling the heat, don't be a hero. Go sit in some municipal air conditioning and read a book about true crime or something.
MARK: I'll be at home with the blinds closed, pretending I'm a vampire until the sun goes down. But even then, it's not going to get much cooler. The lows are staying in the seventies, which means your AC unit is going to be working harder than a politician in an election year. And don't even get me started on what this heat does to the roads. You can almost see the asphalt bubbling on some of the older streets. Which brings us to our favorite topic: the endless construction and the absolute disaster that is our infrastructure.
JOLEEN: Oh, goody. My favorite part of the day. So, the Foothill Boulevard project that was supposed to be finished this month? Yeah, they're still 'working on the medians' like a bunch of assholes. I drove through there yesterday and it's still a maze of orange cones and signs that say 'Slow Down'. I am slowing down! I'm practically stopped because you've turned a three-lane road into a single-lane obstacle course. I've seen turtles move faster than this project. It's supposed to be wrapping up, but I'll believe it when I see a smooth road and zero workers in neon vests.
MARK: They're probably going to find another reason to dig it up next week. It's the Upland tradition. We've got a 217 million dollar backlog in road repairs, so even if they finish Foothill, there's another fifty streets waiting to be ruined. They're also starting some paving work on Euclid Avenue near the city hall area, so that's going to be another fun detour for everyone. It's like they're trying to see how many people they can drive to the brink of insanity before the end of the year. It's impressive, really, in a sick and twisted kind of way.
JOLEEN: It's all part of the charm, right? You pay nine hundred thousand dollars for a three-bedroom house and you get the privilege of driving through a war zone every time you want to go to the store. Speaking of which, the real estate market is still a joke. I saw a listing for a shack that looked like it was held together by termites and prayer, and they were asking eight hundred grand. And some bitch will probably buy it for cash and then flip it for a million. It's enough to make you want to move to the desert, until you remember the desert is even hotter and has more scorpions.
MARK: I don't know who has a million dollars to spend on a house in Upland, but clearly, I'm in the wrong line of work. The median price is hovering around 908,000 right now. Think about that for a second. Nearly a million dollars to live in a city where the main attraction is a statue of a guy who's been dead for a hundred years and a road that's perpetually under construction. I love this town, I really do, but sometimes I have to wonder if we've all collectively lost our goddamn minds. But hey, at least our property taxes are paying for those new medians on Foothill, right?
JOLEEN: Exactly. We're paying for quality, Mark. Or at least we're paying for the appearance of it. But in all seriousness, despite the heat and the traffic and the retail theft, I still wouldn't want to live anywhere else in the Inland Empire. We've got the best views of the mountains, even if they're currently obscured by a layer of smog and heat haze. And we've got the best listeners. Most of you are probably sitting in your cars right now, cursing at the person in front of you, and we love you for it. It's what makes Upland, Upland.
MARK: Spoken like a true cynic, Joleen. I'm proud of you. But before we go, I want to remind everyone that we'll be back next week to do this all over again. Hopefully, by then, the temperature will have dropped below triple digits and the first-day-of-school madness will have settled into a slightly more manageable second-week-of-school madness. If you see a guy trying to spartan kick anything in the meantime, please get it on video and send it to us. We need the content.
JOLEEN: And don't forget to check out 'Taco Bout Good' in downtown. Support local businesses so they don't get replaced by another smoke shop or a nail salon. We need the flavor, people! Also, make sure you stay hydrated. Drink water, not just coffee and soda, even though I know I'm a hypocrite for saying that. We want you to survive until the next episode. It's bad for our ratings if our audience starts dropping like flies from heatstroke.
MARK: Yeah, stay alive. It's a low bar, but I think you can manage it. If you've got a story we missed or you want to complain about a pothole that's been there since the nineties, shoot us an email at upland@thehappeningnetwork.com. We read everything, even the weird stuff. Especially the weird stuff. And remember to like and subscribe on whatever platform you're using. It helps the algorithm realize that Upland is the center of the universe, which we all know it is.
JOLEEN: It's the center of *our* universe, anyway. Have a great week, Upland. Try not to let the heat turn you into a complete asshole, though we know it's tempting. We'll see you next Monday with more news, more sarcasm, and hopefully a little less traffic. But let's be real, the traffic is never going away. Goodbye, you beautiful, sweaty people.
MARK: Take it easy, Upland. And for the love of everything holy, if you see construction workers, give them a break. They're out there in 102 degrees while you're sitting in your car bitching about a five-minute delay. Be a decent human being for once. Catch you next time.