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Life-skills are an important part of a child's development. Your goal as a mentor is to equip your mentee for life as an adult. Today we talk about the barriers, the benefits, and the practicals behind practicing 5 key life skills with your mentee.
Creators and Guests
What is You Can Mentor: A Christian Youth Mentoring Podcast?
You Can Mentor is a network that equips and encourages mentors and mentoring leaders through resources and relationships to love God, love others, and make disciples in their own community. We want to see Christian mentors thrive.
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You can mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships with kids from hard places in the name of Jesus. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest in the lives of others you can mentor.
Speaker 2:Today's episode is all about life skills to teach, model, and practice with your mentee. And these are the foundational life skills that will help them develop competencies in every area of life. They are take responsibility, be humble, build integrity, be a leader, and give respect. If you enjoyed today's episode, please rate the podcast, leave us a review, and share it with someone you think would benefit from the content. Thanks for listening.
Speaker 2:Welcome back to the You Can Mentor podcast. My name is Steven. I'm here with Beth Winter. How are you doing, Beth?
Speaker 3:I'm doing great.
Speaker 2:Awesome. Well, guys, I wanna apologize for my tasteless joke at the beginning of the last episode. I mean, it was like it was like my joke got COVID. Mhmm. It was so tasteless.
Speaker 3:Wow. That joke you just did might be worse than the original one.
Speaker 2:Today's episode is about life skills. But when you think about life skills, what comes to mind? Probably how to tie a tie. That seems like a life skill I should teach. How to shake a hand.
Speaker 2:How to fix a toilet.
Speaker 3:Doing laundry.
Speaker 2:Do the laundry. I mean, fixing a toilet is a skill that you will probably use maybe 5 times ever.
Speaker 3:I don't know. I don't know. Big your family is, I feel like.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Or, I mean, how big your turds are.
Speaker 3:Okay, Steven.
Speaker 2:But thinking about life skills, it's like we should be teaching the skills that are used every single day. Mhmm. Actual things that they'll use in their life. It it's like the kids that go to school, and they're like, we're never gonna use the these multiplication tables. Like, what's the point?
Speaker 3:Yeah. And
Speaker 2:I think a lot of life skills that we teach, though they can be practical and helpful, are we making the main things the main things? Yeah. And so that's what we're talking about today. And I wanna cast a vision for you that life skills really I I I want you to see that life skills aren't necessarily tying a tie. Life skills are the foundational skills that help you to learn how to tie a tie.
Speaker 2:So here here's my definition for you. Life skills are the gateway skills that will help your mentee fulfill their potential. Mhmm. They will help them develop competencies in every area of their life. When I want you when when you think about life skills, I want you to think about character over practical tying a tie Yeah.
Speaker 2:Fixing changing a tire Yeah. Those things. Those are helpful. Mhmm. But their character supersedes all of those things.
Speaker 2:Because if you have no character, you're not going to be successful.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And I right behind you, Beth, is a a sign that says, watch your character for it becomes your destiny. Woah. I don't know if that's in the Bible, but I would say that that that let me let me read a scripture about character real quick. Okay.
Speaker 2:Check this out. This is Romans 5. Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him, we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.
Speaker 2:And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. I think it's important to see the the process of character building is through suffering, challenge, endurance. Mhmm. And then character is what produces hope. Hope is, like, the fuel of life.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. I would say if you if you don't have hope, you probably don't have motivation. Yeah. Hebrews says that hope we have this hope as an anchor of our souls. Yeah.
Speaker 2:That this hope is not just in in ourselves, but it's in God. How God has designed the human spirit is walking through suffering, learning to endure, building character, leading to hope. Mhmm. And as a mentor, you're coming in to that, I would say, the endurance portion
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Of learning how to help a child endure Mhmm. So that they could build character. So life skills happen in that endurance phase. And so walking through those challenges and helping to develop character is the point of our life skills activities. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Focusing on the foundation. We're working on roots Mhmm. Not branches or leaves.
Speaker 3:Yeah. It's like you're not necessarily guaranteed to be in your mentee's life, their whole life. But if you can lay the foundation when when there comes a time when maybe you're not around to teach your mentee a specific skill, if they have the the character of knowing, like, I can press through this hardship because I learned how to be resilient, then you don't have to check off everything on the list of skills you need to have a successful life because you have taught your mentee how to have the character of an overcomer, how to have the character of taking initiative to do hard things. And so you're investing so much more. It's leverage.
Speaker 3:It's leverage for your mentee.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And I will say to anyone who's thinking right now, well, hey. I think you're wrong. I think learning how to shake a hand or how to change a tire is, like, a vital skill for a kid these days. And I would say that teaching those skills is a vehicle to really teaching life skills.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Like, they they may be skills, but the life skill is the learning, like, the the willingness to learn, the willingness to grow, the willingness to lead, the and and all of all of the things that make learning that skill possible.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And so when you do those things, you're actually developing their life skills by helping them learn how to respect you as you're talking. Mhmm. And and we'll get into our our kind of 5 practicals for life skills activities. But I think one of the reasons that that we focus on those practical skills is that they're just a lot easier to teach.
Speaker 3:Yeah. It's
Speaker 2:a lot easier to come up with a process and a plan for how to change a tire. There's Yeah. There's 10 steps. Mhmm. And you do them sequentially, and then you've learned it.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And now we just practice it.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Well and since you are in this kid's life, a kid can get on the Internet and learn how to change a tire. But what is something harder that you really need somebody face to face to to teach you how to do? What are some of those things that we can really teach our kids and invest in them that maybe you can't just get on a Wikipedia article and learn how to do?
Speaker 2:Yeah. That's good. Okay. Before we get into the practicals, let's just talk about barriers to learning these foundational life skills, which, real quick, I'll I'll just mention what they are or what we believe they are. So these are the practical life skills that we believe every mentor should be teaching, modeling and practicing with their mentees.
Speaker 2:Number 1, take responsibility. Number 2, be humble. Number 3, build integrity. Number 4, be a leader. And number 5, give respect.
Speaker 2:Believe that those are the foundational life skills that will enable a child to succeed in all of life. And so what are the barriers to developing these life skills? There are some barriers that are just personal, internal barriers of a child, and then others are external. They're more they're in either their environment or they're they're kind of like systemic issues that a child may face in life that it's preventing them from developing these skills. So one I can think of is just you may have a family norm that's different than these skills that prevents you from growing in them.
Speaker 2:What's an example of this?
Speaker 3:What I have seen is it's not necessarily that families would disagree that, like, taking responsibility. I don't think many people are gonna say taking responsibility is a bad thing. But I think what I have seen is in poverty culture from our kids from hard places, it's more a maybe trying to stop the behavior that you don't want versus teaching what you wanna replace it with. And so instead of talking about taking responsibility, it's stop being lazy. Or Mhmm.
Speaker 3:So it's more focusing on the thing you want them to stop doing, but then not teaching them what it is that you want them to start doing. And so I think maybe just some of that long term planning. The short term is this behavior, I want it to stop right now, so stop being lazy. But the long term future planning is what can I do to teach my kid, to teach my mentee how to replace that with a positive?
Speaker 2:That's that's definitely a better way to put it. So the personal barrier is a child who may view life through the lens of all these things I shouldn't do
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:Not actually being given vision of what I should do. Mhmm. And that the way these skills are framed is that this is the vision for what to do, not Yeah. Don't do this. Don't do that.
Speaker 2:Don't do that. I think I think that's really powerful. Another barrier, confidence. Mhmm. Confidence.
Speaker 2:I don't know why I'm saying confidence like that. Confidence is a huge a huge barrier for a child's development, Because if if you lack confidence, you're going to take less risks. You're going to choose the lowest common denominator in every situation Yeah. And you're you're not going to put yourself out there. If you lack confidence, you're not gonna grow.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. And and so, I mean, what leads to a lack of confidence? Do you have voices in your life calling you into a vision, calling you into calling you into confidence.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Feel like confidence isn't something that just inherently Mm-mm. You have in yourself, but it's confidence comes from someone believing in you.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Speaking identity over you. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And so if if you don't have key people calling you into confidence in the fullness of who you are, you're going to wallow in not only the uncertainty of who you are, but you're not going to excel Mhmm. In everything you were made for.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:An another one, a lack of clarity on the benefits of these life skills. If I take responsibility, what do I actually get Yeah. From doing that? It sounds like I'm just gonna lose a bunch of stuff. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Because if I take responsibility, that means I'm owning up to a failure, and so people are gonna see me as a failure. Or this view of these skills maybe taking something from me, not actually giving me something. And I I think that's a that's a barrier. That's just a learning barrier of recognizing what are the benefits to these life skills. What are the benefits of integrity
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:Of me, like, building integrity? Does a kid actually know what the word integrity means?
Speaker 3:Not if you don't teach them.
Speaker 2:You don't know what you don't know. Us drawing out those benefits that won't necessarily be something that you receive in the moment or in the short term, but these long term benefits that come from growing in these developmental skills, we have to to show them why Mhmm. Why these things are important, not just say they're important.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Yeah. I think another one another barrier is I have just seen a lot of kids almost feel like it's too late for them to change who they are or change their character and prove it. I remember a conversation I had with a kid who he was having issue bullying another kid. We're talking about it in the hallway, and I asked him kinda like, does he have a vision for who he wants to be?
Speaker 3:And he said, well, this is not who I wanna be. I don't wanna be known for being mean. I don't wanna be known for being a bully. I wish I could be known for being kind, but when people look at me, they just see a future gang member. That's all they see.
Speaker 3:And this kid was 11. And so I think I am always humbled in just my need to understand that the things going on in these kids' minds, it might not just be, oh, this kid would rather play outside than and, like, he wants to do fun stuff. He doesn't wanna build character. He you know, I could name all these things, but, really, some some of these kids, the things that are going on in their mind is society has already given up on me. My teachers have already given up on me.
Speaker 3:Like, there is no hope for me, and that's what's going on in their mind. And so I think recognizing that and addressing that and just letting a kid know and actually, like, speaking it over them that it is not too late, and you can become the person that you wanna be, and I'm gonna help you get there, I think, is, like, a huge barrier to overcome.
Speaker 2:You're always gonna be developing life skills, and we have to, in the same way, we have to endure. And as we build life skills in the kids that we mentor, we're building character. We're showing they're worth the investment. We're showing that, hey. I'm not gonna give up on you.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna see you through this. I'm gonna help you become become this. And it's not it's not just the, okay, the one and done kind of mentoring where
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I just teach you a skill and then we move on. So it's like taking responsibility is not just a lesson Mhmm. That you give and then you walk to the next one. These are these are things that we continually come back to and walk with and don't give up on.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Because if we give up on them, we're giving up on them, if that makes sense.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:So other barriers, external barriers. So something I thought of was that our last conversation was about how to present yourself for a job interview and not show up in a a a wife beater and holes in your jeans Yeah. Like the kid in Amarillo. Mhmm. When when it comes to getting a job, everyone knows there are there are skills that you will learn at the job that you don't have currently.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Case in point, you go to work at Chick Fil A. They're gonna teach you how to say my pleasure.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:They're gonna teach you how how much customer service matters to them. Mhmm. But in the Chick Fil A interview, they're looking for core competencies that you already have that make you a good fit for the job. And so this is a huge barrier if if on on the outset of getting your first job, you have no reps in growing in these life skills. Yeah.
Speaker 2:You're really set at a disadvantage when you show up to that interview. And so, really, there are foundational competencies that will help you get a job and then learn more competencies from the job that you receive. And that just that cycle goes all throughout your life Mhmm. That what you've learned up to this point allows you to go to the next level to learn more skills, and all of the skills that you've attained, you take into your next position. They build upon one another.
Speaker 2:And so that's that's why when a kid maybe is applying for a full time position
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:On their list, they say, I used to work at Chick Fil A, and that means something Yeah. Because everyone knows the culture, the competencies, the things that come with working at Chick Fil A. And and so our our hope is to be that first step, building the foundation Mhmm. Which a a lot of kids don't have.
Speaker 3:Mhmm. Another barrier is, like, in school and in relationships, there's some natural incentives that motivate kids to care about learning things, to care about getting good grades or, learning social skills to make friendships. Some of those aren't as clear with character. But, like, with a kid in school, it's easy for a kid to be motivated enough to get good grades to just keep up with his classmates. There's shame attached to being the worst in your class, having the lowest grades.
Speaker 3:There's, you know, a kid in our program who, when COVID happened last year, he fell so far behind in his grades that he got held back. He was supposed to move on to junior high with the rest of his friends, and he got held back to 6th grade. And so he's in a completely different program now than his best friends, and it was so hard for him and just took a huge confidence blow there. But so that's, like, an easy indicator or an easy goal of, oh, I wanna care about this because I wanna be back with my friends. I want to not be the kid in the class who got the worst score on the test every single time.
Speaker 3:But with character, sometimes it's hard to convince a kid that this matters, especially when it's not something that's necessarily gonna impact them today, but it's something that's gonna impact them way off in the future when they're employed, when they're fathers, when they're husbands. And they're like, I don't have to worry about that today. So I think, again, that the incentive of what's something that we can help our kids understand why this matters.
Speaker 2:And and there's a battle happening because in school relationships, you're looking to belong. And so, possibly, what it looks like to belong is not having good character. It's Yeah. Being a bully, being mean
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Saying, I mean, derogatory things and trying to be cool.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so that that can be a barrier to developing because you're like, I wanna belong. Mhmm. And how to belong is this way while developing character and these life skills that will set me up for success are a different way. Yeah. And so that will completely disconnect you from some of those relationships that you're seeking.
Speaker 2:Even if they're not healthy Mhmm. You still want to belong. Yeah. And I think that's a that can be a huge disconnect.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Yeah. Just even, like, knowing like, some of our kids, they they may need the life skill of knowing how to fight. Like, they may not need it at school, but they may need it at home. And so for them to feel like, I don't understand the rules.
Speaker 3:My rules at home are different than the rules I have to follow at school, the rules that I have to follow when I'm with my mentee or my mentor. And so even just helping them understand the the life skills that in the long term are going to impact them for the for the most benefit and that there may be some short term suffering from choosing those things over the temporary, what feels like they need for survival of learning how to fight or fit in or be the class clown, to make friends, to have a social standing, things like that. That's really hard for a kid.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Mentors function in the gray, And I think that can be difficult sometimes, because, probably the huge barrier is, like, we're setting these high standards because of the knowledge of, if you do these things, it will go well with you. It's kind of like in the Bible. It's, like, do this, this, this, and this, and it will go well with you.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:If you don't do it
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:You know what's coming. Yeah. Like, you reap what you sow. We have to discern how to meet kids where they're at and not just pile on all of all of these principles and and ways for them to change and expect this night and day kind of transformation.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And maybe even the kid will expect that as well and lose confidence, because he's not growing as much. Mhmm. And so, really, for for mentors recognizing, this is the slow the slow getting on the plow and working Mhmm. And developing and enduring and building character doesn't happen overnight. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so, I mean, a barrier can can be really our own expectations
Speaker 3:Totally.
Speaker 2:Of how kids receive what we teach.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And that those expectations can shut a kid down. Yeah. And so recognize that your the expectations of a mentor are very powerful, either either to build up or to tear down, which that's that's hard and it's complicated. It's gray Mhmm. Because we are wanting to cast a high vision, while at the same time be gracious and understanding and willing to go through a process that doesn't look very beautiful.
Speaker 2:Yeah. It's messy, but it may not look beautiful, but it is beautiful Mhmm. To do that. Mhmm. Okay.
Speaker 2:Let's talk about the practicals. Oh. P r a c t I c a l. S. Did I spell that right?
Speaker 2:I hope I did. Okay. These are the practical life skills, the foundational competencies that will help kids develop in all of life. We want you to teach these, model these, and practice these with your mentee. And so teaching is one thing, modeling is another.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. These have to be represented within your own life. And so that's a challenge for mentors. Totally. But then also practicing these.
Speaker 2:And so don't don't teach these, model them, and then check the box. Make sure that the kid you're mentoring is practicing these in some way. So find find a practical way to practice them. Mhmm. Number 1, take responsibility.
Speaker 3:My favorite.
Speaker 2:Really?
Speaker 3:Yeah. Responsibility is my number 1 on the StrengthsFinder.
Speaker 2:That is great. I've heard that that strength is, like, the most influential of of the strengths finders things.
Speaker 3:I do feel like it runs my life.
Speaker 2:Well, from from I mean, from the one who knows the importance, the vitality, the priority of responsibility. Please, Beth, tell us practicals of taking responsibility.
Speaker 3:I just think that when I think about taking responsibility, what does that person look like? What do people think of when they see somebody who takes responsibility? I am picturing someone who messes up, but then is trustworthy to to own up to that. But really is trustworthy to, for the most part, do the right thing. Like, if I if I say I'm gonna do something, I'm gonna do it.
Speaker 3:Mhmm. And you don't have to check up on me. I'm gonna get it done. And so I think with teaching our kids how to do that, there's value in letting a kid accept the consequence of when he messes up, when he fails to show up on time, when he fails to do his homework, something that he is responsible for, letting him kind of see what that feels like to take responsibility for the consequence of of not meeting something that he said he would do. Does that make sense?
Speaker 2:Yeah. Like, ownership.
Speaker 3:Yes. Ownership.
Speaker 2:And that's, I mean, that's a good concept to think of. Ownership is learning how to take responsibility for your actions, your thoughts, which is very hard to do as a child as well as an adult. Yeah. And so how many of us will blame external things for our own failings Right. And play the blame game Yeah.
Speaker 2:Which I'm always playing the blame game, and that's that's a failure on my end. But, I mean, this morning, I was gonna meet up with my mentee. 8 o'clock, meet here, breakfast, tacos, coffee. Let's go.
Speaker 3:Amazing.
Speaker 2:He he didn't wake up. And so when he texted me, he said, sorry. My alarm didn't go off. Mhmm. And and so now he is explaining what happened, but also within doing that, he's not not taking personal responsibility for it.
Speaker 2:He's putting blame on, well, my alarm didn't My alarm didn't do what it didn't do its job. I was planning. I was ready to go. Like, my my I was dreaming about this mentor interaction, but my my alarm clock sorry, man. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so I I texted him back. I was like, well, I'm here. The tacos are here. Get here. And he said, okay.
Speaker 2:But I gotta take a shower. Mhmm. And so he ended up taking a shower and coming, and we met for, like, 5 minutes. And I I just told him, I was like, hey, we were gonna spend this much time together, but now we only get to spend 5 minutes together. So just know, like, it's important next week.
Speaker 2:Show up on time. Take responsibility. And he was like, you're right. Yeah. And that's a good conversation for us to have.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Because if I don't have that conversation, I can enable him into this mindset of excuses Mhmm.
Speaker 3:And
Speaker 2:playing the blame game Mhmm. About the things that he should be responsible for. Yeah. And now he's in high school. He's not in kindergarten.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And so it it's a little different.
Speaker 3:Yeah. I would say the younger kids, the things I see us having the most conversations with at our program about responsibility is taking responsibility for your emotions and how you respond to things that are upsetting, kind of owning your attitude, owning your influence of the room. So just teaching your kid how to feel the hard feelings of anger or sadness, but how can I still take responsibility for, you know, that other person who may have done something to upset you is not in control of your emotions? You are. And so you have to take responsibility for for how you reacted when something made you angry.
Speaker 3:That's a huge thing to teach to kids.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 3:Because there are a lot of adults out there who do not know how to do that and are still, you know, causing havoc and chaos whenever something upsets them because they they have not learned how to take responsibility for their own emotions. And, when something goes awry, it's blame everyone else Yeah. And, cause a lot of conflict, a lot of chaos, and really not being able to see how they could've handled the situation better and where their fault in that is.
Speaker 2:Yeah. That's good. Jesus is the perfect Everything? The perfect everything. Yes.
Speaker 2:But when it comes to taking responsibility, I I think we can we can sit on taking personal responsibility. What Jesus does is he takes responsibility for sin, the world, the judgment that's been placed upon us. He takes responsibility for it. Jesus' act in the gospel is taking responsibility for us Mhmm. In love.
Speaker 2:And so I I think that's the progression. We learn to take responsibility for our own actions and thoughts that enables us and empowers us to get to a place where we can start taking responsibility for others. And so the whole idea of neighborly love, of taking care of your family, of of taking on responsibility, like caring for a dog.
Speaker 3:Yep. It's a lot of responsibility. Yes.
Speaker 2:And so you you're taking that responsibility on yourself in everything that you're doing. And so the fullness of that is what Jesus did.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And so we have to to grow in personal responsibility so that we can take on more responsibility. And in college ministry, I'm sure you talked about this, but, like, in terms of responsibilities that a college student has, you're only going to grow in more and more responsibility as you get older.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:And and so taking responsibility is is the process of choosing to work harder, choosing to own take more ownership and steward more things in in honoring God with with the way that you're stewarding them. Mhmm. And so I I think that this is a huge place to grow. And so Mhmm. Maybe mentor identify where's an area your your mentee can take more personal responsibility, but maybe what's something else that they can start taking responsibility for.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Because learning how to do that is is impactful, the internal responsibility as well as external.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Who's someone they can take responsibility for?
Speaker 3:Yeah. That's good.
Speaker 2:Another practical on this is just setting goals. I mean, that's a great way to take responsibility for the dreams and the desires that are in your heart is a mentor can help their mentee set a goal and take action. Mhmm. And so goal setting is a huge skill that enables you to become more responsible. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because you're taking your wish or your dream, and you're making it actionable, and you're making a plan. And so if you're in a mentor relationship, I encourage you to ask your mentee what's something they wanna achieve.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Why is that important to them? When do they wanna achieve it by? Mhmm. How will they get it done? And then to write it all down.
Speaker 2:We listened to that Craig Groeschel podcast that was like Mhmm. You are 78% more likely to do something if you write it down and you tell someone about it. Yeah. That's a that's a great way to mentor.
Speaker 3:Yeah. K. That's an easy practical. Very practical. Down.
Speaker 3:Have them verbally say it to you.
Speaker 2:It's good. And and when it comes to appointments and missing things, I mean, I would just say the very practical thing is to say something about it. Yeah. Don't just shove it under the rug and say, oh, don't worry about it. No worries.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:I am the biggest failure when it comes to typing out no worries in a text message. That text message should be banned. I should I should lose text I should be censored by Twitter, by all of the Mhmm. You know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 3:Oh, yeah.
Speaker 2:But saying no worries doesn't help anybody. No. If anything, it's a lie Mhmm. Because I'm still affect it it's essentially me saying I'm not affected by your decision to not respect me or care for my time. And so if I'm saying that, then I'm saying you don't value me.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And so if if you're in a position where you keep saying no worries, just quit it. Don't don't say that anymore. Yeah. Is that okay?
Speaker 2:Can I say that?
Speaker 3:I would agree with that because, you know, even in simple things like if you were continuously late to work and your boss just kept saying, no worries. It's like you're not becoming better for anyone. You're dragging your team down. And at some point in the process, somebody needs to sit you down and say, hey. This is worrying.
Speaker 3:Yes. This is not okay.
Speaker 2:And so what you're teaching your mentee is when someone does that to them, they're gonna text no worries.
Speaker 3:Yeah. And they deserve more respect on that, and so do you.
Speaker 2:Amen. Okay. Number 2, be humble. Be humble. What I mean, that that verse in James, god opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.
Speaker 2:Okay. We should probably do that.
Speaker 3:That's a pretty big deal.
Speaker 2:Yes. And and so what what's a practical way to be humble? Well, I mean, it it's it's like putting others' interests in front of your own, learning how to recognize how much we live life to serve ourselves Mhmm. And not to serve others. And so we I'm not I'm not saying we can't think of ourselves, but we think too highly of ourselves sometimes.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. And getting out of the mentality of life is all about me is is, I think, the act of becoming more humble. Mhmm. And so a a primary place that I think humility is needed is in conflict.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So when when you're in conflict, if you're not humble, it's a lot easier for you to dismiss what someone You're not listening. You're only thinking about your own perception. You're not entering into an empathic way of understanding and perceiving what someone else's experience is. Mhmm. And so how do you do this?
Speaker 2:Well, I think a very practical way to show humility is as a mentor, you're an older man who's giving your attention to someone younger than you. Mhmm. And so even in that very act, there's humility required for you to treat them even as an equal. Yeah. And and the very act of doing that is modeling humility Yeah.
Speaker 2:To them. You're not taking the role of mentor as a hierarchy. You're taking it as, let me raise you up. Let me let me put you on my shoulders Mhmm. And get under you to serve you.
Speaker 2:It's like how Jesus, who is the king of the universe, gets down on bended knee and washes his disciples' feet. Mhmm. A great act of humility. Once again, Jesus for the win. And so how can you do that as a mentor, not just embrace this hierarchical structure of the mentor relationship, which does exist, while at the same time, how can you get down on their level Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And model humility for you?
Speaker 3:Yeah. Humility to me is just so huge. Like, I've even started whenever I interview people to work here at 4 Runner Mentoring, I basically tell them if if they cannot apologize to a child, then this is not the job for them because we make mistakes. And so I think teaching like, mentor's job a mentor's job is to teach a kid how to grow up and be the man or woman they're supposed to be. And so part of that is modeling all of these things, and if you can't model humility when you mess up and maybe assume something about your kid that's wrong or, respond to something in a way that's too harsh maybe, where are they gonna learn that humility from if if you they can't learn it from you?
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So if if you miss their birthday, you could say happy belated birthday. Yeah. But you can also apologize for missing their birthday. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And that's okay. Or maybe you thought they were 11, but they're actually 10. You you can just skirt things under the rug as much as you want. Mhmm. But if you address it, I think it can be more meaningful Mhmm.
Speaker 2:When you express humility. That's they're able to express it as well. Yeah. And so I think anytime you're trying to help a boy resolve conflict, I think you can talk about humility. What does it take for you to understand how this other person is feeling?
Speaker 2:Mhmm. And so perspective taking is is a very practical thing. How do you think that made them feel? Yep. What do you think they how did they experience that situation?
Speaker 2:Mhmm. And so, I mean, helping kids in our program understand that when they punch some kid, how do you think that made them feel? Mhmm. Oh, I think it probably hurt. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:That's a great way for them to grow in humility is in understanding
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Understanding how others are experiencing them and the world. Mhmm. Number 3, build integrity. Yeah. Huge.
Speaker 2:I mean, this goes back to what you said about responsibility, but being a man of your word or a woman of your word. Mhmm. Isn't that funny how that's a very gender genderized phrase?
Speaker 3:What isn't?
Speaker 2:Be a man of your word. And so building in tech I think building is a cool word here. It's like we're growing a reputation.
Speaker 3:Yes. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And that reputation matters.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:How others are experiencing me matters. Mhmm. If if I'm being a man of my word, that means people are gonna trust me. If people trust me, they will entrust me with more of their of their personal life, of personal responsibility.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And and so integrity is huge. I mean Yeah. It's like Zach wouldn't have hired us if he didn't have an ability to trust us. Mhmm. But as we've been faithful to do our jobs, he trusts us more, and he gives us more to do Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Like this podcast. Yeah.
Speaker 3:Thank you, Zach.
Speaker 2:And so recognizing how your actions matter in the future.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Your actions today are affecting your future.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And that's that's what we're building for, building integrity.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Other ways to build integrity, playing fair.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:I think I mean, it goes back to the short term, long term play. But, like, if I'm wanting today to have all of the things and and win, but I'm I'm discounting relationships and I'm running people over, that's affecting the way they're gonna treat me tomorrow Mhmm. And in the future. And so recognizing how much my actions today are affecting affecting the future Mhmm. Is really important.
Speaker 2:And so if if you see your mentee not playing fair with other other kids that are around or the the need is to address it and recognize how did that Mhmm. What future is that leading to?
Speaker 3:Yeah. Well, and such a big thing with integrity is, like, what we teach our kids, our program is integrity is doing the right thing even when no one's looking. And so we do a lot of do overs as, like, a redirection. When we see a kid do something that isn't the right way of doing it, we make him stop and redo it the right way so that he's learning the behavior or the action that we want. And by making him stop and redo it, it's it is teaching him how to build integrity of doing the right thing.
Speaker 3:And eventually, we're gonna get to a place, we will do it, where where the kids, they don't need me to stop them in the hallway and say, hey. Can you try that again? Let's try walking down the hallway instead of running. Eventually, I don't have to be in the hallway every single time because they're gonna do the right thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And integrity is not integrity is not always being right, but it's owning up to not being right
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And being honest. Yeah. Honesty is, like, I think, a a primary thing of I I keep mentioning Craig Rochelle, but one of the things he says is that no one wants to follow a leader who's who's always right. They wanna follow a leader who's always real.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so if if you're real, that builds integrity. If you're just right, like, that may not actually be enough for for you because, really, none of us are all right. There's always something wrong. And are we honest with ourselves? And are we sharing about those areas?
Speaker 2:And I think it's like being integris is it's like being the same internal and external. Mhmm. And so what you see is what you get. Mhmm. Like, am I being truthful about
Speaker 3:Who I am.
Speaker 2:Who I am.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Or
Speaker 2:am I putting on a front? Yeah. Is this a mask? Am I lying to you?
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:About who I am?
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And, for kids, we're we're in the gray where we're teaching them who they are Mhmm. While helping them to not put on masks of Mhmm. Of this appearance of things being otherwise.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And and so helping kids grow in being the same internally as they are externally Mhmm. Or how you said it, being the same when no one's watching Mhmm. Versus when everyone's watching Yeah. Which we all have that conflict. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Because when we're around other people, you can turn it on.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And your mentee is gonna notice that you do that.
Speaker 3:Yep.
Speaker 2:If you're a different person when you're with them, but when you're with your family or whatever context you're in, you're a different person. Really building integrity is learning how to be the same person no matter where you're at. Mhmm. And I I think that's really valuable.
Speaker 3:Mhmm. Yeah. And, like, a practical thing to just think of as mentors is helping the kid that you're mentoring feel like you are a safe person for them to to just show up as they are. Because, like, if my response to a kid coming and telling me that he's messed up in something and him showing integrity by being honest with me about it, if my response to that is shaming or isolating, it shuts down that safe place for him to ever be real with me again because he's gonna think I need to hide those parts of who I am because that's not okay. That's not acceptable.
Speaker 3:She didn't wanna see that. She didn't wanna hear that. And so I think being a safe place in how we respond when our kids do own up to something they need to have, integrity for.
Speaker 2:It's awesome. Number 4, be a leader. Being a leader is not always fun.
Speaker 3:No.
Speaker 2:Doing doing the hard thing and and and maybe this is the thing. Most leaders probably experience going in a direction that maybe other people are less willing to go. And so, like our example of wanting to fit in Yeah. The comparison is like fitting in versus leading others, like, into into the truth.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And so it's it's a lot easier just to fit in and to find belonging here than being a leader doing the hard thing. But being a leader is also inviting other people into the direction that you're going.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so I think being a leader is a mindset. Mhmm. It's, like, what what is being a leader like in this moment right now? And it's helpful to help kids recognize how their actions are affecting and influencing other people. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so if you, are you recognize or or ask them, hey, why did you why did you do that? And they may say something like, woah, that's that's just what my friends do. Mhmm. It's like, oh, okay. So they're leading you in doing this.
Speaker 2:What are you leading people Mhmm. To do? And I I think that it's helpful to make those connections of, like, I am an influencer.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I am I can change the room that I'm in Yes. By the way that I act and respond. Mhmm. It's what we do with our 5th and 6th graders in our program. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Telling them, hey, you're a leader. You're setting the tone for other kids in the program for the from the way that you respect and and follow the rules and Yeah. Participate. And I I think that getting the leadership mindset into the kid you're mentoring Mhmm. Helps them to think critically.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And engage parts of their mind that maybe are unwilling to recognize how much they can influence other people.
Speaker 3:Yeah. I think it's especially crucial to tell kids that they are leaders who are having behavior issues. Because, like, in our program, our after school program, you can walk into a classroom and immediately know who is who has control of the room, like, which kid has the most influence with his peers. And one kid being absent one day can totally change the classroom culture because of how much influence there is. And so we recognize that, and we we specifically, like, pull kids aside and have that conversation with them of, do you know, like, how much influence you have on the room?
Speaker 3:When you walk in, everyone wants to model what you're doing. And, like, there is you have so much power, which is something a kid wants
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 3:Especially a kid from a hard place who maybe feels like they don't have much and they crave that control. There's just a lot of opportunity there to speak into a kid that you are a leader already, but what kind of leader are you gonna be?
Speaker 2:And and this mentors are leaders in themselves.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:But the best leaders are always calling others to be leaders.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:The worst leaders are the ones that are like, everybody follow me.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Stay in your place.
Speaker 2:The best leaders are the ones raising up Yes. Other leaders. And so mentor recognize the areas where you need to work on leadership of your mentor interactions, of coming in with a plan Mhmm. Of providing the leadership that that kid's kid needs, the direction Mhmm. The guidance within the activities that you're doing, but then also recognize how much you're calling them to be a leader.
Speaker 2:And it could just be as simple and practical as saying, hey. You're a leader.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:I think that your words matter. Kids are gonna pick up what you're calling them into. Mhmm. But they have to see it in you as well. Calling them a leader doesn't mean that you're not a leader.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't rob you of of that title.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Yeah. The last one, number 5, give respect.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So I I kinda like this. Take responsibility, give respect. So and those are countercultural. Like, because in in most environments, we would say this, like, you gotta earn my respect. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Like, you don't get my respect. You earn it. Yeah. But I think I think, really, when it comes down to it, like, true godly character is giving respect, not just earning it. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And so, I mean, it it's kind of like I mean, I hate to go back to him, but the j man, Jesus Christ, he shows up, and he's not looking to be respected. Yeah. He's looking to affirm, honor Mhmm. And and build others up
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:By lowering himself, being humble Yeah. And giving them the respect and dignity that they deserve Mhmm. Because they were created in his image Mhmm. Which that's a beautiful thing to think about that Jesus is looking at these people made in his image, and that informs and influences how he sees them.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like, he sees the true them.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:He doesn't see what's on the outside. He sees the heart. He sees what he made. Mhmm. And and so when we give people respect, we're seeing and honoring who they truly are Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Not just the externals or or those things. So what does that look like? Focusing and listening. Like, the best way to honor someone is to give them your attention. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And the only way you can give them your attention is to give them your time. Mhmm. Time is your, I mean, I guess, most appreciating resource, but it's also it it is like your your greatest offering to the world is what you're giving your time to. Mhmm. And so, obviously, mentors, you paying attention to your mentee is the way that you give them respect.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And then as you model that, that's how they learn to give you respect. And so we're teaching them how to give respect. And so if they're not paying attention to you, you need to give them a redo, like Beth said. Like, hey, let's redo this.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Listen to me. And as you do that, you're helping them to develop memory. And so maybe you could speak to them. I I would I don't really encourage preaching to children.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. But if you give a pause and say, hey, repeat back to me what I just said Mhmm. And help them practice focus and listening. I think that's gonna really pay off in the end Mhmm. As well as help you to recognize how much they're not doing it.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And we just assume that we taught them something, and they know it now.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The crazy thing that I'm just thinking about with all of this is we talked about with kids. It's hard for them to see the incentive of this.
Speaker 3:All of this feels like something they're having to give up, and they're like, what's in it for me? But it's just so interesting when you look at the way Jesus, like, set up his kingdom and the way his the currency of the kingdom operates in that, like, when we give respect and we show humility and, like, we do these hard things, there is immense value given back to us, things that are intangibly valuable. And, like, when we give respect, all of a sudden, we we do earn more responsibility. We do get put in positions of greater leadership. And so these all just really tie together, and I think the more maybe a kid isn't gonna be able to put words to that, but they will see how okay.
Speaker 3:All of a sudden, when I started doing this, my teachers are looking at me different. My mom is so much more like, there's more life in her whenever I'm around. Like, there's gonna they're gonna be able to see the effect of it in their life, even if they can't put words to it.
Speaker 2:Well, mentors, here are just 5 practicals once again. Take responsibility, be humble, build integrity, be a leader, give respect. So find find a practical practical way to model these in your mentor relationship, so we're calling you to the this standard. And then identify ways to teach and practice these things to your mentee based off of their age and skill level and maturity level. But we just know that if we get these foundational life skills down, all other competencies and ways to improve and develop will be available Yeah.
Speaker 2:To the kid you're mentoring. And so grace to you in building a foundation for the rest of their life. Mhmm. Thanks for listening.