Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
What is the father wound? What are the tell-tale signs of a father wound? How can mentors address it personally and in the lives of their mentees? Today's episode is part two of a five part series called The Father Factor. In this series we are unpacking God's vision for fathers, the role of a father, the signs and symptoms of a father wound, the difference between an orphan spirit and sonship, and the different seasons of the father wound.
Creators and Guests
What is You Can Mentor: A Christian Youth Mentoring Podcast?
You Can Mentor is a network that equips and encourages mentors and mentoring leaders through resources and relationships to love God, love others, and make disciples in their own community. We want to see Christian mentors thrive.
We want to hear from you! Send any mentoring questions to hello@youcanmentor.com, and we'll answer them on our podcast. We want to help you become the best possible mentor you can be. Also, if you are a mentoring organization, church, or non-profit, connect with us to join our mentoring network or to be spotlighted on our show.
Please find out more at www.youcanmentor.com or find us on social media. You will find more resources on our website to help equip and encourage mentors. We have downloadable resources, cohort opportunities, and an opportunity to build relationships with other Christian mentoring leaders.
You can mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships with kids from hard places in the name of Jesus. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest in the lives of others. You can mentor.
Speaker 2:Welcome back to the You Can Mentor podcast. My name is Steven, and I'm here with my best friend, Zachary Yarza. How the heck are you?
Speaker 3:Best friend.
Speaker 2:Yeah. You're you're still in. Hey. We started a series called The Father Factor last week. Really excited to jump back into that series.
Speaker 2:It wouldn't be a series if there weren't multiple episodes, would it? So No. You saw this coming, didn't you, listener? Yeah. Last week, we talked about the role of a father, the things a father provides.
Speaker 2:Zach actually pulled out some Hebrew, which I did not see coming. Little theologian over there.
Speaker 3:Yeah. You know how it is.
Speaker 2:Theologian over there.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:What did he say? A father is an ox and a a a tent. Yes. That's awesome. So I've never never heard that Hebrew word before.
Speaker 2:Aleph something.
Speaker 3:Alif and biat, I think.
Speaker 2:Biat. Sounds like what the kids are saying in rap these days.
Speaker 3:Yeah. It sounds like whenever you do a special move on Streetfighter. Hi, you can. Biat.
Speaker 2:We spoke about what a father provides, a father provides leadership, a father provides security, and if he provides those things, it it creates your identity. So I I thought that that conversation was really helpful. If you haven't listened to that one yet, stop what you're doing. Go click the other one. But today, we're continuing our conversation about fathers, and today's conversation is about the signs and symptoms of a father wound.
Speaker 2:So we're gonna go into more detail of what to look for, what to recognize in your mentor relationship or in just your personal experience, what your own father wound is. And so I think this conversation will be helpful for all of our mentors to recognize the source of, I think, some pain points in our lives all relate back to a father relationship. So, Zach, what is the father wound?
Speaker 3:Talking about this can really kind of bring up just lots of emotion, just lots of feelings from either your current relationship with your father or your past. I just wanna say that we know that. And so this is an opportunity for you as a listener to really believe the best about us. And in every everything that we do, every time that we talk about a father or your father or your experiences with your father, we do wanna honor. We don't wanna judge or condemn or add, shame or anything like that.
Speaker 3:And so this is a hard topic and so we're gonna do the best that we can and so we we're just asking for tons of grace. The father wound is when a child is raised without a leader or with a distracted, maybe even a hurt leader, just knowing that that's going to impact a child. When the child doesn't feel secure, they don't feel safe. And when you don't feel safe, it's hard to grow and mature. Perhaps there's no covering, there's no protection, there's no one to guide you.
Speaker 3:Simply put, you feel alone. Now this doesn't necessarily mean that you are alone, but it means that you feel alone. So whether your father was present or was not present, the feeling that you get, that is what kind of drives the father wound. It's also when a child doesn't have his identity, which means he becomes whatever other people or society want him to be. He is driven by what other people think.
Speaker 3:That is the father wound. Our definition is it's a result of the absence of love, whether intentional or unintentional due to your relationship with your father or your lack of relationship with your father. As I'm saying this, I I just want you guys to know that, this thing that we call the father wound, it is not black and white. In fact, it's very gray. And so every single person is going to be on a sliding scale to some degree.
Speaker 3:And so this is complicated. This this isn't something that you can just deal with one time and be done with it. But in fact, I believe that this is something that we kind of have to we kind of have to wrestle with for the rest of our lives. So you've got kind of 2 groups of people, right, on the opposite ends of the spectrum. You've got one party who's obsessed with their wound and they can't stop thinking about it and it's it's stopped their progress as a mature adult, but then you've got the the other side, right, The ones who are in denial and can't process their feelings and basically have no access to emotions.
Speaker 3:And I believe that the healthy person is right smack dab in the middle of that. Right? They're able to identify the wound. They're able to process their past. They're able to to say, hey, this is how it impacts me in a negative way, but I'm gonna deal with that.
Speaker 3:At the same time, they're honoring of their parents. Right? They, give them grace. They're able to forgive and do things like that. And so the healthy person is right smack dab in the middle of that.
Speaker 3:And what's so hard about the father wound is as you mature, as you enter into different stages of life, different symptoms kind of pop up. Right? And so this is, for me at least and for people who I have spoken to who have identified this wound, this is kind of a lifelong journey. And so it is it's a very sensitive topic. And I I wanna, be honest that the things that I just said might have provoked you a tad bit.
Speaker 3:It might have kinda maybe stirred up your past or stirred up some negative emotions. And and I I think our job as mentors is to deal with that, is to process that because we can't give what we ourselves don't have. And so I think the first step in dealing with this father wound, in dealing with how this relationship with your father impacts you, our first step in helping our mentees out is to deal with it ourselves. Yeah. And so I do want you to think about this topic.
Speaker 3:I do want you to chew on it and to pray about it and to invite the Lord into it and to invite the people who you're in community with into it, and just get that conversation going. Because no matter how good your father was or if you didn't even know your father, the heavenly father is so much better than the best of our fathers. And we all have some kind of wound when we compare our earthly father to the heavenly father. And this does create tension. Right?
Speaker 3:And us as people, we wanna seek to relieve tension, but so often God wants us in the tension. He wants us to sit there because that's how He grows us. Right? God isn't about relieving tension, but instead it's His grace in the middle of that tension. I compare it to whenever you work out.
Speaker 3:Right? You actually get stronger whenever you tear up your muscles. It's it's small pain over time. It is working out day after day after day, but as your muscles begin to get torn down, when they get built back up, they're actually stronger. But if you overdo it, right, if you work out too much with not enough rest, then you can hurt yourself.
Speaker 3:You have to toe that line. You have to be balanced. And I believe it's the same thing with dealing with the father wound, with processing it. Yes, you have to identify your wound, but you also have to deal with it, and God gives us grace in the middle of that tension.
Speaker 2:It's really good, Zach. I think a big issue with the father wound is that it's relational, and so it's it's not just something you can process on your own. I feel like everybody desires to have a candid conversation with their dad where you share, hey, when this happened this is how that made me feel. Whereas when you were a kid you might not have been able to have that conversation or he wasn't even around so you couldn't address it. And I hear so many stories of, I guess people, their father wound is unaddressed because they cannot have that conversation.
Speaker 2:So I don't know if you have any thoughts on on the person that can't have that conversation or won't.
Speaker 3:I Think that you're spot on. This is so difficult because not only is it relational, but it's relational with 1 of 2 of the most important people in your entire life. And so there are so many different emotions that can keep us from having those conversations. 1, if we do even get up the courage to have that conversation, how are they going to respond? And there's so many different things that could happen.
Speaker 3:Perhaps your father could feel attacked or perhaps he could feel hurt, and that's the last thing that we wanna do. And so when you deal with and bring up such an emotional topic, doing that in a healthy, safe way that honors them, it's really difficult. And so I I don't have the answers, but I know that the Lord has the answers. And the only thing that I can say is if you need to have a conversation with your father, and if you need to bring up some things that happen, and if you need to kinda reopen up that wound, invite God into it because the Holy Spirit can guide you and can lead you and can give you the words to say. And not only the words to say, but the right motive and the right heart behind it.
Speaker 3:I mean, here in a second, we are going to talk about some of the major symptoms and, just kind of the the why behind, the things that keep us from really processing and facing this, issue head on.
Speaker 2:So, Zach, how can you tell if someone has a father wound?
Speaker 3:First off, I believe, in all of us, there is some degree of a father wound. But one thing that I have found in having these conversations and processing this on my own is you can kinda find out with one question. And that question is this, hey, tell me what your dad's like. Tell me what your childhood was like with your father. How was your relationship with your father?
Speaker 3:If you can broach that really difficult topic, you can see on someone's face just all the things that they're thinking and all the Mhmm. Emotions. And do they shut down? Do they get angry? Do they begin to cry?
Speaker 3:Do they smile? Right? Just with your father being one of the most important people in a person's life, asking about that relationship, you're going to receive a response of some kind, and it's going to be an outpouring of emotion, whether it's good or bad. And just thinking about their father because for some people, they have basically said, man, things aren't good with my dad, but when I think about it, it puts me in a bad spot, so I'm just not even going to think about it. I'm just not even going to call him.
Speaker 3:I'm just not even going to try anymore. And, look, I get it. Like, in some ways, it's a self protection. It's a way to self protect. Like, I I remember as a kid, right, like, whenever people would talk about their fathers, whenever it was, you know, hey, it's time for us to all get donuts with dad.
Speaker 3:Right? Like, when you even as an adult, when you think back on those things, there is a feeling there, there is emotion. When you think about whether your dad came to your games or not, or whether he encouraged you, or, how he treated you, or what he expected, or how he how he disciplines you. Right? Like, they're just when you spend so much time with someone for the 1st 20 years of your life, there are gonna be some good things, but there's also gonna be some things that hurt.
Speaker 3:And so I think just talking about it, just bringing the subject up. Identify how you feel, and that's a really good way for you to figure out just how big of of a father wound you have and just how much work you have to do.
Speaker 2:What would you say is the the major emotion that comes out of a father wound for someone, I mean, who's on the scale of whether their their father wound is just, well, my dad failed in leadership or my dad did not provide for me or he wasn't around. Like, what's the major emotion across the board that that's represented in the father wound?
Speaker 3:Well, I think there's a lot of secondary emotions, like, there's anger, there's, just a straight up refusal to to engage with it, their sadness. But I think, the primary emotion that kind of pops up with the father wound, and we talked about it earlier, is fear. It's fear of being alone. Right? It's it's the fear of not getting your needs met.
Speaker 3:It's the fear of the future. It's the fear of failing your dad in some way. It's the fear of how are they going to respond. And I just think that perfect love casts out fear. Right?
Speaker 3:But that fear is so strong. Like, fear how is this gonna impact my mom? How is this gonna impact my siblings? How is this gonna impact me? Like, do I really wanna go through this process while I have, you know, perhaps a wife and children and work and all of these things?
Speaker 3:Right? Is this really one more thing that I want to add on to my plate? The fear of what happens if, this doesn't go well? Or what happens if I bring up something that I just can't overcome? And so fear really is, in my opinion, the the main emotion, the main feeling, that prohibits us from really tackling this father wound and dealing with it and processing it.
Speaker 3:If you have a major father wound or if you grew up without a father figure present, usually 2 things are going to happen. 1 is you're going to pretend that you have what it takes to be a man so that you can impress those people in your lives so that you can get love. This is called false masculinity. It's where you want to be a man so bad, but deep down, you know that you aren't a man. But to cover that up, you're going to act like a man, and that is driven by insecurity.
Speaker 3:So that's one end of the spectrum. That is me in college. That is the guy who works out all the time and who parties and who tries to get girls, and I'll go into this more in in-depth in our next episode, but, that's false masculinity. That is you're pounding your chest saying, look at me, I'm a man. The other end of that, right, is I know I don't have what it takes to be a man, so I'm not even gonna try.
Speaker 3:And that is apathy. That is you feel worthless. And we'll talk about that more as well. But that is really just driven by, man, my dad doesn't think that I'm worth being around, so I must not be. And that's someone who doesn't take risks and doesn't engage and maybe they just stay in a room and watch TV all day or play video games.
Speaker 3:And so, yeah, so how we say it is, whenever you are healthy with your father, whenever you are in right relationship with your earthly father, whenever those wounds have been healed up and things are good, you're walking in sonship. But whenever those things aren't happening, and this is a really strong word, but it's almost like, you're walking with the spirit of an orphan. And so in the next episode, we'll talk more about, sonship and the orphan spirit. So
Speaker 2:I really wanna unpack the fear because I I think that that's that that may be like one of the main points of this episode. At least the the fruit of a lack of leadership, security, and identity creates an environment of fearfulness. Fearfulness of where I'm headed. Like, what's the trajectory of my life? Who's guiding me?
Speaker 2:Who's providing for me? And do I have what it takes to provide for myself? Can I overcompensate to put forward an image that I'm okay and I have what it takes and what happens when that runs out? And so I can just see the anxiety like billowing up and then that creating just a a really unhealthy identity of who you are. And, yeah, I just think talking about fear, that was not the emotion that I thought you were gonna focus on.
Speaker 2:I thought it was gonna be anger, just that you're angry.
Speaker 3:Well, the anger, right, it comes from fear. Like, you're you're angry that your father left you, but why are you angry that your father left you? Well, you're angry because you're scared that you're gonna miss out, that you're not gonna be provided for, that you're not gonna be protected, that there's not gonna be anyone who leads you. Right? And just like this fear is huge.
Speaker 3:And I I believe that fear is one of the main ways that the enemy wants to derail us because fear is so self focused. It is all about me. It is how am I gonna get my needs met? What's gonna happen to me? What is my future going to look like?
Speaker 3:Who's gonna take care of me? Right? And that self focus, that isn't how the Lord created us to live. But He wants us to live with our eyes on Him, and He wants us to trust that He's gonna take care of us, and that He's gonna provide, and that He's gonna prepare a way, and He's gonna help us on this journey. And so and fear is tricky.
Speaker 3:Like, that is something that you don't hear a bunch of older people say. You hear a bunch of kids who are, you know, 4, 5, and 6, I'm scared. But it's pretty rare to hear a teenage male say, I'm 15 years old, and I just got my heart broken. I'm scared. I'm fearful.
Speaker 3:But at the root of almost all of the symptoms of of growing up without a father or of having a father wound, the root of it is fear. And every decision, every choice, every just how you see the world is, jaded by
Speaker 2:fear. Mhmm.
Speaker 3:Again, kind of the last thing that I wanna say is I know this can be a really emotional topic, but my encouragement is stick with it, deal with it. One of my favorite sayings is you gotta run towards the gunfire. In your past, in your relationship with your father, it might be gunfire. But the only way that we're gonna defeat that is by running towards it and by engaging with it. And look, I know it's hard.
Speaker 3:Like, me dealing with my past and my relationship with my father was probably the most difficult thing I've ever done in in my whole life. But it's also been the thing that has produced the most fruit in my life. My heart is better. I look more like Jesus. I have more compassion.
Speaker 3:I'm able to forgive. I give more grace. Not only that, my relationship with my dad is better. Like, I I can call my dad now, and I can see him, and I can talk to him, and there's no animosity in my heart towards him, which if you would have said that whenever I was 18, I would have said that you're crazy. But God really is the God of restoration.
Speaker 3:He redeems. He restores. And God doesn't want your relationship with anyone to be awkward or for you all to not talk about anything or for there to for there to be skeletons in the closet. And so dealing with this really is a huge opportunity to trust God and to put your faith in Him and say, God, this is scary and I don't want to deal with this, but I trust that you're going to redeem this. I trust that you're going to restore and that things are going to be better because I'm going through this process.
Speaker 2:It's good, Zach. Thanks for listening to today's episode. Everyone has a father wound. Mentors, you have the responsibility to address your own father wound in order to engage your mentee's father wound. And so we really wanna encourage you to process your own father wound.
Speaker 2:Where did your dad not provide leadership, security, and speak into your identity? I want you to recognize those things and maybe you need to have a conversation. Hopefully, you still can have that conversation. But we we'd love for for every mentor to process their own father wound because you can't lead your mentee somewhere you've never been. In next week's episode, we're gonna unpack more about the father wound, that emotion that Zach talked about fear, and how that relates to an orphan spirit versus the the spirit of a son.
Speaker 2:And so we highly encourage you to stick with the father factor series on the podcast. Please share this with somebody that's a mentor in your life or, someone who's interested in becoming a mentor of a kid from a hard place and highly want to encourage this series to you if you are a mentor. Thank you for listening. And if there's one thing you pick up from this series, let it be this, you can mentor.