Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
In this episode of 'Fuck Fear with Christine Spratley,' Christine shares her unique 21/7 rule—a self-developed technique to help manage overwhelming emotions and reduce rumination. Christine introduces the rule as a tool for emotional regulation, especially useful during challenging times, such as her recent divorce mediation. Using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy principles, she explains how limiting oneself to 21 minutes a day, divided into seven 3-minute slots, can significantly curb the habit of repetitive negative thinking. Join Christine as she provides insights into turning negative energy into constructive action, ensuring we make the most of our days.
00:00 Introduction and Welcome
00:51 Christine's Driving Anecdote
01:57 The 21/7 Rule Explained
04:02 Applying the 21/7 Rule in Daily Life
07:22 The Importance of Emotional Regulation
11:04 Reflection vs. Rumination
16:09 Tracking and Celebrating Progress
20:06 Final Thoughts and Encouragement
Creators and Guests
What is F*ck Fear with Christine Spratley: Living Like a Head Bitch In Charge ?
This podcast is for anyone who wants to live like an HBIC—or lives with, works with, marries, dates, or is raising one. Let’s be real: being a Head Bitch in Charge is messy, bold, and unapologetically badass. This is not a guidebook—it’s a pantry.
My guests and I will share the ingredients that we use—what’s worked and what’s failed—as we say “fuck fear” and take action to live a fulfilled life. We cover real-life hacks and deep philosophical pillars to navigate the chaos of everyday life—where some days, my only accomplishment is having a bra on and my teeth brushed.
We’re tackling the daily shit women navigate, from workplace politics to relationships, raising kids, and building careers, all with humor, audacity, and zero filters.
So, tune in—tell your friends, and even your enemies. This isn’t about aging with grace—it’s about aging with mischief, audacity, and a damn good story to tell.
48 Fuck Fear
===
[00:00:00] hello ladies and gentlemen and everyone in between. Welcome to Fuck Fear with Christine Spratley. No shots today, Joe. Yeah, no shots. That's okay. We we are, um, we were running a little bit behind, I have to tell you. You know, I moved to Carrie and, um. I, I have it. And don't talk about, well, we've talked about how I [00:01:00] drive.
Christine Spratley: I drive fast. I like going fast. I don't necessarily need to get there quicker. I just don't. And I don't even know, well, I do like going fast, but I really hate slow. So that's just kind of my baseline. But I have lived in North Carolina for 18 years, a little over 18 years. Right. And I have never gotten a ticket.
And I can say that now because I got a ticket yesterday and it was funny because I was talking with someone and they're like, oh, that's Carmen, I'm like. I will take that karma because if I, if I have, I mean, 18 years is a long time for Karma to come back and hit me like there, like if I had a lot of grace period in there.
Yeah. You know what I mean? So if Karma's gonna hit me again in 18 years, I'm okay with that. You know, um, and, and I have another friend that she says, that's all your good living catching up to you. That's what she calls karma. All your good living, catching up to you. But ladies, gentlemen, and like I said, [00:02:00] everybody in between today's episode I have, um, as you know, this is for your pantry.
Um, I was talking with someone the other night and, um, I said to them, I'm going to, I'm gonna. Input or enforce or put into play my 21 7 rule. And this is something I completely made up, but it works and it works really well. And I've actually, for this episode, I actually talked to, you know, my, my counselor and I did some research on, is this a good idea?
You know, before I throw this out to y'all, I'm just. You know, is it valid or is it just craziness? Um, so put this in your pantry, take it out, use it. You can mix it up and do whatever you want with it. But the basis of this is that when I go through something, and it could be I'm pissed off if somebody pisses me off at work or a girlfriend does this, or in my case I'm going through a divorce, guess [00:03:00] what?
That's going through something and that's on my mind. Um, and. In particular this week I did my divorce mediation. And so that was a big thing and it was an all day thing and it was a big hairy y just, and, um, lot of left me with a lot of stuff to process. So I, I was, I met with my therapist and I have some girlfriends and guy friends.
I, you know, spent a couple days, and actually it was, I was not gonna do this today. And, um, but I did, and I worked through some things and I know it's gonna go, go through me and everything. Like that's the thing, you can't take two days off and go, okay, I'm gonna feel all my feelings in two days and I'm gonna be back in action and I'm just gonna, you know, it, it hits you when it hits you.
But the [00:04:00] 21 7 rule. What this does for me is when I've gone and I've worked like in, you know, therapy is, is important to me, but also some of my friends that really have good sound perspectives on life. When I go there, I allow myself to talk about it and go through it and work through things. The 21 7 rule though means when I'm outside of that and I want to, and I feel it.
And it hits me and I wanna start telling you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know? And I wanna go into it and go into it and go into it. What it does is that becomes, you know, you can say resentment or, but rumination of it. I am sending myself, it's the repetitive thinking about distressing to, you know, issues without the resolution.
It's just a regurgitation of the, the event. 'cause I, I've, we've all done this at work, I think where, you know, someone [00:05:00] pisses us off and I'm still talking about it five days later and I'm rethinking and reliving that issue without any resolution. And so what this helps me do is it stops that shit. So the rule is once I've worked through the core issue.
Um, or I've, you know, whether that is, and maybe it's addressing it at work, maybe it's an argument you had with your, your spouse. Maybe it's going through divorce mediation and you talk to your therapist. Um, but once I've started doing that and I'm in that, I say to myself, and this is the limit. I get 21 minutes a day max to talk about it.
And if you can't see me, I just did the hand thing. So anybody who's not watching YouTube's like she was quiet. It's 'cause you know, you wa wa wa with your hand. I get 21 minutes a day, I get seven times to do it and three minutes max [00:06:00] per time I do it. And what's funny is I can, and this is with people, this doesn't include like.
Journaling or, you know, kind of meditating about it. And it also does not include if you've got a therapist, then you're like, I need to talk about this. Um, but this is my own little thing about, you think about it like this. You're having a, you're, you go out in your day and you have interact with all these people and you can interact with them.
In ways of, Hey, I am gonna talk about this crappy thing that makes me feel crappy. Or, and or you can, Hey, what you doing today? But you don't have to carry the dog shit around and put it in every pile that you go to in every yard that you go to. And so this helps me, 'cause sometimes I get like that and I think other people do too.
I, I don't know, Joe. Do, do you ever resend yourself [00:07:00] events like, like savor the bad, not the badness, but the, the, you know, it's that savoring of the turd, I'll call it. Yeah, I think so. For sure. And so this is what it is and, and it gives me permission to go ahead and talk about it, but it stops me from continually bringing that.
Energy not only to my, you know, myself, but to other people because that's the other thing I've realized is that when I'm going through something and I have this overwhelming anger or ear or, or fear or agitation, if I am in it, if I'm around another person and they've got a different energy that tends to, and I interact on that level and not my shit level, that tends to change my energy.
Good example. I got up on, it was, it was Tuesday was the mediation I got up on, like I went to bed at like three in the morning and, 'cause I [00:08:00] just had so much energy and I just um, and then I got up at like four 30 'cause I woke up and, which gave me like an hour sleep. So I was extremely exhausted and I was like, I'm canceling everything this week.
I'm shutting down, I'm taking care of myself. And there was one thing I couldn't cancel. And it was, it was actually something silly. I mean, I could have canceled it, but it really couldn't because it was the dog's annual shots and I had missed my appointment and they go into, anyway, I had to do it and it was a big deal, so I kept it, and Joe, I even text you and said, I'm not coming in.
We're gonna do, we're not gonna do this. And I got up, felt like shit. Got up. Put my baseball cap on, put my lipstick on, threw some leggings on and a t-shirt, put the pups in the car and I drove to the vet and my energy. [00:09:00] 'cause they're great with the dogs, they're great with me. And it's Hidden Valley Veterinarian and Raleigh, if you ever wanna go to a great vet, amazing groomer too.
But again, I was around that energy and we didn't talk about this because I knew I only had seven. Slots and I didn't wanna use that slot. That's not where I wanted to use it. And it was amazing because it helped me immediately after that, I think I texted you and said, nevermind, we're back on. I'm, I'm, I'm ready to go now.
Does that mean that I shoved the rest of my emotions down and I don't have any of that shit? No. But again, it was me saying, okay, I got seven, I got seven slots here. Do I wanna use that and do I wanna take that negative energy and put it into their world? Which, you know, and it was funny because I'm sarcastic enough that I can just be ornery about it and not talk about it and make it light and, and happy and joking.
'cause that's the way I am with them. So why is [00:10:00] this important? Why is this so effective? And it's, you know, anybody that I. Has any sort of relationship with a therapy, you know, and when I say relationship knows about it, or has been through it or uses it, um, works with cognitive behavioral therapy and this is the stop, the, the, the thought stopping part of that of CBT.
And it's, it's the, it's the, a core technique, you know, and it's literally setting the limits. Reduces the rumination. I'm replacing the open-endedness of it. And that's the other thing is I'm corralling, you know, I kind of think about it when I was a, a nanny. It's like you corrall the kids. You know, you, you don't give 'em any, you know, the option to go there.
And that's what this does is it is, I, it's a self-imposed limit of, you know, just ruminating about this without any [00:11:00] guidance. Um, and without any resolution. Now, there's a difference between rumination and reflection. Rumination is circular, and we've all seen the hamster on the wheel, just circular circle, but it's literally the circular motion.
So if it feels bad once it's gonna come down and feel bad again, because there's nothing that has changed about it. Reflection has a frame, it has a start and a stopping point. Rumination is just, and, and I do, I, it is literally like sucking on, you know, savoring a turd. Like when you think about the weather's caramel, you know, you just savor that and you just suck on that.
Or, um, a Jolly Rancher rumination is doing that with something that tastes like shit and it's sending that back. So what this does is this allows me to emotional regulation plus kind of like executive function. [00:12:00] I structure the routine of when I'm gonna talk about it. And this also requires me to, oh, I'm gonna talk about it with my friend Inya.
What am I gonna say? Rather than just riding the emotion into the conversation that mother, blah, blah, blah. You know, I felt this way, or I feel like shit and, and I do sometimes start off like that, but I tend to. Bring more thought about what I wanna say in this conversation because it's one of the seven, and it's funny, I'll be honest.
Sometimes I back all the seven up together and I lump 'em all together, but then I'm done. I don't get to, I don't get to touch that. I don't get to put that third in my mouth again. I know that sounds like so nasty, but think about it. Think about how much we give ourselves that. [00:13:00] what are you carrying around from this morning? Or what did you carry into today? And are you reflecting on it and going, okay, there's a start and there's a stop and I'm gonna, you know, or is it, oh my God, I'm so pissed and it's just this, Ugh, I, and it's not even an I'm pissed and acknowledged of the emotion.
It is a reliving of that event. No stopping point. And you know,
in, instead of like getting on and texting and [00:14:00] repeating the whole story, you know, take your three minute rant to your, to your bestie, to your auntie, you know, and, and just let it go and then be done with it. But you know. I think this allows me to say, Hey, I'm gonna, I'm still, I'm still, I'm still got it.
I'm still pissed, I'm still hurt, I'm still whatever. And give yourself that permission to pass over it and get it out, and then use your rest of your 23 hours. You're 20, whatever. Um, how many minutes is that? I know I've got it in here 'cause I wrote it down. I actually did. That's what's kind of funny is that I wrote it down how many minutes of, of the day you would have left.
But that allows that to happen. And I think [00:15:00] where it helps for me. Is the thought process of how am I gonna use this today? And I will tell you on Wednesday is a hell of a lot different than I'm using it today when I use this 21 minutes or 21. Yeah, 21 minutes. It is very, very different. It's more. I don't wanna say thoughtful, but it's more strategic because I'm not just looking for it to get to, like, I'm looking for something in return, an answer.
And, and it's working through something rather than just being led by. And I think the first thing for you to do or for me to do is always identify what, what am I resending this? I was heard that. Um. A, a lady that was in AA in Texas, in Dallas when I was there, um, we [00:16:00] were taking care of her 'cause she was, you know, very, very ill.
And she said that worry is concern gone compulsive and. That is what I want to do is I'll go, okay, what is the mo, what is taking up my space in my brain, in my verb, you know, vocabulary, what's coming out and identify it. And then I go, okay, that's, that's 21 7 rule.
Putting that tag on there. And then I track 'em. And what's funny is that I, I will track it and then, you know, a week goes by and. I'm not, I haven't used all of them. I got some left, I got some slots left, and then a month goes by. What's also interesting, 'cause I, you know, I'll track it for long, for long periods of time because again, you don't get it all out.
What I've learned is that, say I'm dealing with something, I work through it, I'm down to maybe, [00:17:00] maybe if I'm talking about it at all, maybe I'm down to one or two and minutes. Or not minutes, but slots and I go start having something over there that causes fear in my life or I start having less confidence or I start, you know, I go, something else impacts me.
I tend to, 'cause I've tracked this, I tend to talk about that again, I use more slots and that's one of those things where it's like I start going, I start focusing more on negative. This helps me see that pattern. 'cause I didn't know I did that. I didn't know that when one thing is negative, I tend to go ooh and relive and pull back even if I've worked through it or, um, it triggers an emotion that was similar to the emotion that I had with that other event.
So it allows me to see how I react to not [00:18:00] that person. But that emotion that I had through that event and track that in my life, and I really like that. I really think that I need, I need guidelines. I need, um, you know, I need the structure so I can allow myself to go through it, but not drown in it and not, and it's not even wallow.
I think when I'm wallowing, I know. And usually it's something like me, you know, I just kind of, ugh, but this is what I'm talking about. And then what I think is, is also nice is once you've done that, and once you've tracked, you know, honor it, celebrate it, celebrate that you put this in this box and you, you know, the week or whatever.
Then at the end of, you know, for me, I do it two weeks. I look [00:19:00] back and I go, okay, where am I at with this? I've got how many times I've used it, I've thought about it, you know, I've got whatever type of process that you go through, sit back and look.
There's a, a quote by Seneca, and as you know, I practice Doism, and it says, is the quote is, we suffer more in imagination than reality.
And this is where I, and I hope you understand that, or I get to understand that I control my imagination and. I can sit there and, and, and again put this in my head, but that's past. So it's not the reality of today. It's not that the emotion isn't the reality, but that situation is, and when I relive it and relive it, [00:20:00] but if I am around other energy, is that really that emotion really there or am I inserting it in there?
I think that for me. I strive for a, a state of being content with myself and trusting my path. And part of that, a big part of that is doing that without being distracted by the events of others, of how others are living their lives, which means how it impacts me, which is typically the event that I'm, you know, limited.
I do that by saying I don't get to just sit with this all day long because I'm not content when I do that,
I am not going to be consumed by the wounds that are still healing.[00:21:00]
That is not my own path, that is someone else's. I'm not gonna sit there and look at it and regurgitate it. I'm going to allow myself to process whatever pain, whatever anger, whatever the emotion is. I'm allowed myself to tell my story. I'm choosing to do it. I'm doing it with with force and vigor, and I hate the word authenticity, but authenticity.
But it doesn't become my story. My whole story doesn't become my whole world. This is a 21 minute shot.
I then get to build something better for the rest of the story. The rest of the history, I get 23 hours and 20 and 39 minutes. Of my day [00:22:00] to use my imagination in a way that doesn't make me suffer, but actually allows me not only to be content, but to have joy.
So when you listen to this, I literally want you to think about that. What? And you know, you can use different numbers. I used 21 7. How can you put something that is, instead of rescinding you this turn and all the time carve it out and say, okay, I'm gonna use this here, I'm gonna use that there, and then set it down and then enjoy the rest of your life, the rest of your day.
Because this is the other thing, I don't get this day back. So again, when I got up that morning, yes. Or Wednesday morning. I literally was like, I don't want, I don't want this, I don't [00:23:00] want, I don't want this. I'm exhausted. I felt just, and I thought, I don't get this day back so I can spend it sitting in bed.
Laying in bed. And it would've been great 'cause the dogs were there and it would've been comfy. And, and, and maybe that's, you know, but I don't get it back. So what am I gonna use my 23 hours and 39 minutes? How can I use that to give me joy in my day? So this is something in your pantry. I hope it's helpful.
If it's not, don't use it. But go find something that is helpful and pass this along to someone else and say, Hey, have you thought about it? Figure out how you would tweak it. These are things that literally get me through my day, whether it be work, whether it be friends, relationships [00:24:00] like that, whether it be going to your family, ugh, your in-laws, you know, mine were great, but think about it because you don't need to use your imagination to suffer.
You get to use it for joy and contentment, but you also get to process your pain and have it be part of your story, but just not the whole story.
You are bigger than this. You are more than this. I am. I am more than my divorce. I am more than my marriage.
That is amazing to really understand. So give yourself that gift and until next time, tubs
[00:25:00]