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What is toxic femininity? How do we alchemize our shadow feminine qualities into strengths and divine power?
Where the sexual and spiritual come together. Sex and relationship coach and vaginal weight lifter Kim Anami gives you the sex education and orgasms you never had. www.kimanami.com
From Toxic Femininity to the Divine Feminine
We hear these phrases tossed around a lot these days: the toxic masculine and feminine, the divine masculine, the divine feminine
The idea of “toxic” femininity or masculinity seems to mean “too much of a good thing”.
Where certain qualities in balance, are positive, and carried to an extreme, are destructive.
For example, the traits that we might see as being the archetypal masculine are:
Strength, power, confidence, assertiveness, dominance, going out in the world and “taking” what is his—are exaggerated in a man who goes over the edge into over aggressions, bullying and violence to obtain what he wants:
An abuse of his innate power.
Nowadays, the gender spectrum has shifted so much, that plan old masculinity is now being labelled “toxic.”
I’ve talked about this at length in my Alpha vs. Beta Male podcast episode and my Beta Male Variant video on YouTube.
If toxic masculinity is too much of what we’ve come to see as the archetype, then we’d define toxic femininity as the same thing.
If the archetypal feminine characteristics are: softness, receptivity, flow, openness, surrender, magnetizing and attracting rather than slogging to achieve, enjoying and cultivating beauty; then the exaggeration of those would be:
Too much submissiveness, not owning one’s power, or being able to set healthy boundaries
Needy, whiny, codependent, victim mindset, outsourcing of power, needing to be “taken care of”
Being a “mother and wife” to the exclusion of any other identity
Prioritizing your appearance above everything else in your life, and damaging or poisoning your body to achieve certain aesthetic results
As with all things, we’re looking for the balance.
If you’ve listened to me for a while, you know that I’m a strong supporter of embracing and appreciating our archetypal gender differences, rather than vilifying them or trying to pretend they don’t exist.
And with “toxic” femininity OR masculinity, we’re just over the mark.
To illustrate some of these characteristics, I thought we could frame the conversation using goddess archetypes.
I don’t typically use “goddesses” as frames of reference, because the term has been bastardized over the years.
What used to be thought of as a fierce and awe-inducing supernatural being, in control of cosmic forces, has been reduced to Friday night gatherings of middle-aged, overweight women in long, flowing white gowns, sitting in around in circles and eating chocolate.
Now that’s cultural misappropriation!!
So for this purpose, we’re returning to the original ideas of these beings.
Let’s start with Kali.
Kali is my spirit animal.
She is the Hindu goddess of destruction, death and rebirth.
She’s the essence of “la petite mort” - the French term for orgasm: the little death and rebirth.
Taking the dark and transforming it into light.
She’s known as the “battlefield demon killer”, the “destroyer of illusions”.
She is thought of as the embodiment of the “dark feminine”, rising up fiercely to slay and vanquish.
Kali encourages us to dive into the darkness and alchemize it into light.
This is the act of taking some quality—which is the entire theme of this episode—that has a destructiveness to it, and transform it, so that it we can integrate and use its wisdom and gifts.
One of the qualities of the “out of balance” feminine, is being overly subservient or submissive.
This is definitely culturally manufactured, but plays upon the natural feminine concept of opening, going with the flow and deeply surrendering.
I saw this play out at times in my own life. And in my sexual fantasies, i often imagined being dominated, and succumbing.
I met someone who was into conscious BDSM and this was one of the most powerful relationships I have ever had.
I say “conscious” because his approach was very deep and profound.
He was a Sufi, a third to 8th degree blackbelt in 16 different marital arts, he was spiritual, but also a self-made multi-millionaire.
He traversed many dimensions and conquered them all.
With him, we explored the archetypal energies of the exaggerated feminine, in my complete and utter submission to him, which meant doing away with my ego, little self attachments of how and who I thought I was.
And throwing all of that into the fire.
He was worthy of my submission.
He embodied the dark dominant. He was the facilitator of me hunting my own demons.
And indeed, he brought them to my doorstep.
By going deeply into my submissive side, I learned how to fully open and surrender and access a massive feminine power that changed my entire life.
By allowing myself to be dominated by someone I trusted, and embrace that experience — which was also hugely erotic — I exorcised the dark side of this quality and swung out much more confident in my daily life.
I became more dominant, clear and fearless.
And un-fuck-withable.
I became better at setting and keeping boundaries, asking for what I want, taking a stand and speaking my truth.
Having places in your life to truly surrender is essential as a woman—and as a human.
It allows you to integrate the healthy elements of that softness and surrender, combined with the ability to stand up for yourself when needed, into the totality
of your life.
I go into more detail with all my experiences in the Well-F**ked Woman Salon. I detail my nearly year-long exploration of conscious BDSM, and then guide you into how you can create these scenarios yourself.
Devi
The mother goddess archetype.
There are all kinds of expressions of this in myth and legend, from the Virgin Mother, to the protector and warrior-ess.
Birth is the ultimate rite of passage for a woman.
When she self-actualizes the true nature of her female body.
One of the reasons I’m so passionate about natural and orgasmic birth, is that the portal of birth is a massive initiation for a woman, one that tests her strength, courage and ability to go within and find the answers there.
Ultimately, this is the test of her life and her training for motherhood.
Via her vagina.
Via the birth of her child, which is the rebirth of her.
I’ve spoken at length of the deliberate efforts on behalf of the allopathic and OBGN professions to WREST this power away from women, by encouraging women to outsource it at every turn.
From adolescent hormone blockers, i.e. the birth control pill, the use of which often extends for decades, to doctors controlling women's’ pregnancies, and births, with the message that a woman couldn’t POSSIBLY do this without their help. It’s FAR, FAR too dangerous! All the way through to menopause, with more hormones. women are the cash cows of Wester medicine, and in the process, give away ALL of their DIVINE reproductive power.
Women are the ultimate magical and alchemical beings.
They take a sperm and an egg and they make new life.
From their own bodies, they generate the most ambrosia, food-of-the-gods substance on the planet: breast milk.
And yet.
The importance of the mother, her sacredness, her power, has been denigrated.
It starts with the treatment of her sacred powers and the subjugation of them to the medical profession.
And then, with that lack of confidence, and through the modern traumatizing experiences of pregnancy and brith, — the way most women give birth — she goes forward into motherhood timid and unsure.
Instead of embodying the protector, fierce mama bear and inner knowing energy that comes through giving birth, she is constantly looking to outside sources to know how to feed her baby, how to make ti sleep, where it should sleep, what “stages” is it in.
Her instincts have been eroded.
And so the daily, awesome, moment-to-moment power she would derive from being a mother, this divine being, is lost.
Instead, the opposite happens.
Her contributions to society become minimized, as a glorified—or not even— housekeeper.
She washes socks, makes dinner and scrubs toilets.
Interestingly, I’ve recently observed the “trad wife” movement, which is reclaiming the position of a woman, as mother and as a powerful being.
There’s all these women—posting on how they can’t wait to have six children and tend chickens and make cookies all day.
I love the idea of people returning to sovereignty and being super conscious of what they are eating, and cultivating an independent lifestyle, especially in these crazy times.
The flip of this is when women SOLELY identify as mothers.
Meaning, they forego any other kind of career or vocation.
This is your proverbial 50s housewife, who existed only to serve her husband and children.
There is a happy medium.
I’m a fully support and encourage extended breastfeeding and attachment parenting, which demand a woman spend more time with her children in their early years.
I also believe that we all have our own unique gifts to give to the world.
And that being a mother is a hugely powerful part of who we are.
But it’s not the sum total of who we are.
Over the years, I’ve watched women who ONLY were “housewives” become lost once their children left, or never really establish their own identity.
They never did. They only had one in relation to others.
Motherhood can be a place where women hide.
I saw this all the time in the housewives in my neighbourhood when I was growing up.
The positive side to this is fully owning and embracing the power of your motherhood journey, which starts with an empowering pregnancy and birth.
And also to keep exploring your own personal journey and contributions to the world, that are independent from your husband and children.
Both realms will feed and energize each other.
Aphrodite
Ah. The love goddess.
Love. Sensuality. Beauty.
She embodies all of it.
In balance, this is a woman who owns and loves her beauty.
This is the kind of woman who may not be “supermodel” attractive, but she owns what she’s got.
And because she does, she’s gorgeous.
She’s not afraid to inhabit and radiate her own beauty.
She’s not afraid of the judgement of other women.
She’s not afraid of too much male attention that she might not how to deal with.
She’s impervious to other people’s projections on her.
The opposite??? A woman who is acutely aware of other people’s projections onto her.
I did a podcast episode last week called Boobs vs. Breasts and I talked about women buying their titles at the titty store and desperately wanting attention on their chests.
We have women seeking out plastic surgery, injections and constantly making their faces into live Instagram filters.
This is a woman whose self-worth is wound up in how other people see her, and in particular her perceived attractiveness or fuckability as a woman.
And she does everything she can to fit this mold.
Rather than creating her own.
***
So there are all kinds of ways to make these transformations.
The one that will get you there the fastest, and create your own balance of power in all these areas, is becoming well-f**cked.
If you’re new around here, or you need reminding, being well-f**ked isn’t about how much sex you are having. it’s about the quality of sex —we prefer gourmet — and learning to consciously tap into your sexual energy as a power source.
When you do that, when you own and inhabit your sensual self, all of that potent, life-force energy does this rebalancing naturally.
So many of these ailments are simply symptoms of FUKME, or the disease of being underfucked.
An under or over-inhabiting of these qualities creates imbalance.
And all of these places in your life, begin to correct themselves without you having to consciously work at it.
You just need to go fuck yourself.
Or your partner.
With depth, heart and the spirit of throwing everything into the alchemical fire.
Your sexual energy is the greatest healer, rebalancer and self-actualizing tool you have - and you have it quite literally at your fingertips.
** By exploring my own sexual shadow parts, I was able to alchemize them. The desire to be dominated = I went deeply into it and gave over all control, and realized in the process, that the only things that I lost were my little self, my ideas and attachments of who I thought i was, my insecurites.
all of that was vanquished and thrown into the fire.
By facing all those parts of me, I exorcised them and came through it fearless and so sure of who I was, that the opinions of other people meant nothing any longer.
I had my own approval and i didn’t need anyone else’s.
I found a balance between loving compassion and pulling out the proverbial sword when I needed it.
The missing ingredient in many of the mother archetypes is sexuality. Ahem, particularly in the Christian one. The virgin mother indeed.
That one fucks up nearly every woman, and she has to journey to figure it out.
When you add in — or rather KEEP in — sensuality to pregnancy and birth - you end up with an orgasmic, utterly pleasurable birth And that becomes the imprint for your mothering life - sensual, blissful, savouring breastfeeding and how your birth experience DEEPENED your connection to your partner, rather than it estranging, as it does to most couples in the midst of their very sterile and emergency-style births.
And the entire well-f**ked woman meme I’ve been talking about for decades is the glow you wear as a result of tapping into and owing this energy.
It’s a radiance that people see and feel and run across streets to be near.
I have countless stories of women having a great night of loving - by themselves, or with a partner - and then going out to, you know, buy groceries and pump gas, all dolled up in their ponytail and sweats and no makeup—and them getting hit on left right and center.
People can smell and feel a well-fucked woman.
A woman who owns all of herself.
In the depths of your sexual exploration, you can dive into all your shadow parts in this arena, this playground, and be changed from within.
There is no better alchemizer, super-combuster and life changer than quality, gourmet sex.
It’s thousands of hours of therapy, dozens of ayahuasca trips and years of meditation all combined to bring you into the truth of who you are.
** IN the Well-F**ked Woman Salon, I help you to identify, excavate and transform your blocks and weaknesses into your greatest power.
I go into depth and share my personal journey in my nearly year long BDSM relationship where I went deeper than I ever had, and came into balance with my feminine self, learned the art of surrender and came out truly not giving a fuck anymore.
I’ll show you how to have the deeper vaginal orgasms, which are what help you to burn through the dross of your life and elevate yourself into your highest potential.
La petite mort - the little death and rebirth, indeed.
The Well-F**ked Woman salon begins in early July. In the meantime, you can signup for the free preview video series where I dive deeper into feminine power, vaginal orgasms and becoming a well-f**ked woman.
https://kimanami.com/the-well-fked-woman/