Tongs for the Memories

So, Dick's next lead lay dead on the slab in Doc's room. Or at least his head. Who had killed Ernest Nutpucker, and why had he ordered a
large quantity of fish fingers? It was late, and Dick had yet another dead end or end dead....But who should enter the scene, adding another layer of information? Just the resident etcher and her absurdly good sense of hearing.

What is Dick Clever?

It's a classic tale. A lone detective, a dark town, and a victim with a cod piece stuck in their ear. It's the sort of murder that could turn one to drink, to shun society and start a jazz band in his mother's basement. But not Dick. A man who's not quite Poirot, Sherlock, or Jake Peralta, but a man whose very much...well, Dick. Accompanied by a pallet of colourful characters, sharp tongues, wit and humour, we follow Dick and co on a bizarre journey to find truth, justice, and just how long a telephone cord really is.

(Dick Clever, Episode Thirteen, Tongs for the Memories)

THEME / JAZZ HORN PLAYS UNDERNEATH:

DICK: So, my next lead lay dead on the slab in Doc's room. Or at least his
head. Who had killed Ernest Nutpucker and why had he ordered a
large quantity of fish fingers? It was late and I had yet another dead
end or end dead....

PHONE RINGS.

Come in.

DOOR OPENING.

Regina?

REGINA: Why, hello there Dicky bird.

DICK: What brings you here?

REGINA: A taxi and a pair of high heels.

DICK: Why was the taxi in high heels?

REGINA: It's more fashionable.

DICK: So, what do you have for me?

REGINA: It might not be anything.

DICK: Try me.

REGINA: I overheard a conversation.

DICK: And where were you?

REGINA: Let's not be indiscrete.

DICK: So, what did you hear?

REGINA: It was a phone call between Pierre and Cecil.

DICK: Lardbottom?

REGINA: Bitch.

SLAP.

DICK: I meant Cecil Lardbottom.

REGINA: Oh, sorry, Dick.

DICK: So it was Lardbottom?

REGINA: Yes.

DICK: And what did they say?

REGINA: Pierre said, " 'ello?" and then Cecil said, "Hello Pierre".

DICK: Cut to the chase, would you, Regina?

REGINA: Do I chase you first?

DICK: I meant with the conversation.

REGINA: Yes, okay. Cecil asked Pierre if he had the tongs.

MENACING CHORD.

DICK: Are you sure?

REGINA: I am positive.

DICK: Really. Should I be tested too?

REGINA: I meant about the conversation.

DICK: Of course.

JAZZ HORN PLAYS UNDERNEATH:

So, it all starts to gel. Lardbottom asks Pierre where the tongs are. The
tongs that I had in evidence. The tongs that tie both of them into the
Mercutio Murders and therefore the Cod Piece Murders.

It was time to tighten the fish net.

BIG BEN BELL.

The next day Petra and I paid a visit to Pierre.

PIERRE: Well, 'ello, if it is not ze Detective Clever and his beautiful assistant
Petra. What may I do for you?

DICK: Let me paint a pretty little picture, Pierre.

PIERRE: Very well, would you like me clothed or in the altogether?

PETRA: In the altogether, please.

DICK: Painting a picture is just an expression. You Pierre, the very same
person is standing there in front of me, was asked by none other
than Cecil Lardbottom, where were the tongs?

PIERRE: Sacrebleu! 'ow could you know of such a 'appening?

DICK: It doesn't matter how I know, I just know that you now know I know.

PIERRE: Ah no!

DICK: And now you know you must spill the beans.

PIERRE: Very well.

BEANS FALLING ON THE FLOOR.

I, I don’t know 'ow zis 'elps.

DICK: It was just an expression. To spill the beans, to tell me what you know.

PIERRE: Ah, Pierre now understands. Cecil, he asks me, "Pierre where are ze
thongs".

DICK: You mean tongs.

PIERRE: I certainly do not. I mean Thongs.

DICK: Thongs?

PIERRE: Mais oiu. Let me explain. In my spare time I sell ze undergarments.

DICK: Underwear?

PIERRE: No, at my 'ome. Mais oui. Specifically, I sell ze thong.

DICK: A thong?

PIERRE: Oiu! "ere I am wearing one now, have a look.

PETRA: Ohh yes. Now that's worth seeing.

PIERRE: Merci, mon petite.

DICK: So, why would Cecil…

PIERRE: Oh, 'e wears them as well.

DICK: Oh lord...that's not right.

PIERRE: It is a much larger size. In fact, I must 'ave them specially made for
him.

DICK: Out of what?

PIERRE: 'ow you say, a spinnaker sheet?

DICK: Petra I don't think you need to examine Pierre's thong that closely.

PETRA: We must verify his story and I don't mind.

PIERRE: Neizzer do I.

JAZZ HORN BLOWING UNDER:

DICK: So now the hard part of the matter. We had to confront Cecil
Lardbottom with the facts. Did he indeed order the over-sized g-
string from Pierre?

Or was it all a cover, as much as a cover as it could be? 9:45 on a damp morning we were
greeted at the door by Butler, the butler.

JAZZ HORN OUT.

BUTLER: I expect you are here to see Mr. Lardbottom, detective.

DICK: Thank you Butler.

BUTLER: My pleasure, Sir. Please wait here.

FOOTSTEPS OFF.

DICK: So what do you think about Pierre?

PETRA: He's got a lovely, firm ar…

DICK: I meant about the case.

FOOTSTEPS BACK.

BUTLER: Mr. Lardbottom will see you now.

DICK: Thank you.

DOOR OPENING.

LARDBOTTOM: Why Detective, and young Petra what a pleasant surprise.

DICK: Cecil. Is it true that you ordered underwear from Pierre?

LARDBOTTOM: Why yes. Thongs to be exact.

DICK: So you don't deny it?

LARDBOTTOM: On the contrary..... let me show you.

LONG ZIPPER.

DICK AND PETRA: No!

THEME IN AND OUT.

END

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones