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Almost every couple, even Christian couples, lives together before marriage. The reasons are many but what does God think? In this message Pastor Mike Novotny takes a fresh look at a topic that affects every church and every family.
The episodes are the weekly sermons from 922 Ministries (St. Peter and The CORE) of Appleton, Wisconsin.
Happy Holy Home
Week 2 - The CORE
Pastor Mike Novotny
A few weeks ago, I started a pretty great debate among a group of local pastors. We're all sitting around a big conference table at one of our monthly meetings and I forced them to vote and I only gave them two options to choose from. Option, number one, I proposed. Living together with someone before you're married to them is bad. It's wrong. It's sinful, it's unbiblical and God doesn't want any of his children to do it.
Option two, living together before marriage isn't necessarily wrong, it might be dangerous and it might tempt certain people, but we can't say that it's wrong or unbiblical or bad and that everyone who's doing it needs to stop and repent. On the count of three, you have to vote, I said 3, 2,1.
And hands around the table, flew up in the air and they were not all in agreement. I saw ones and twos, I saw ones and twos from the same church and what followed was a rather lively and if you can imagine very lengthy discussion, about the morality of moving in before marriage. There's something that none of us in the room could deny though that that is a hugely relevant, question for Christianity, in the 21st century. The fact is in the ministry and not just out there in the world, almost everyone, that we meet, who's seriously in love with each other thinking about marriage and engaged has moved in. It's the exception and not the rule to find a couple who's living in separate places until their wedding night. It happens. Here it happens. I would guess in every Church in this community, every Church in this country. And so we're forced to wrestle with that question. What does God say about that? Good, bad wise, unwise, smart, stupid, holy, foolish?
Can you go back when I was in seminary? I probably had a Black and Whites pretty blunt answer to that question. But for the last 50 years, as I've been doing life with real people, like you, I realize how tense and complicated that question can be to answer. Because our situations and our backgrounds, the families we grew up in because of things that happen with sex and relationships and kids and blended families. I think it deserves a little bit of time to just slow down and think deeply if we want happy and holy homes, what does God say? And what exactly should we do?
Over the past 50 years. Here's what I've learned. A lot of people who are serious about Jesus and serious about their faith. They're also serious about that vow that says until death do us part. They don't enter marriage flippantly before they take that sacred step and stand before family and friends and God himself. And say I will, I do. They want to be absolutely sure.
And how can you be sure that you want to be with a person? If you haven't spent that much intentional time with that person? If you're going to share a bedroom and a budget and a house and a garage, and the cupboards and the closets like hot. How do you know if you're really meant for each other? Until you've actually tried that out and tested? Can we do this together? Are we compatible in all of these ways?
It's not illogical to think every single day, people get divorced because they're not sexually compatible or financially compatible or they can live together that much time in the same space. So when it makes sense, if you valued marriage and didn't want to end up divorced to actually test the waters and see, can we do this? Before we take a sacred vow to say, we're going to do this.
And if that weren't enough to think about, then I think about our parents relationships. You know, 100 years ago, back when really few people in America live together. They're also very few divorces, but that has greatly changed. Many of you here today have seen up close what happens when a relationship goes bad.
Some divorces end up on friendly terms, but many do not and sometimes our closest loved ones get caught in the middle. There's drama, there's divisions, there's kids who grew up with deep wounds and hurts. And if you've grown up in a house like that, I can understand why you'd be hesitant about taking that sacred step of marriage. Once it's, once it's legally, and in the eyes of God bound together to tear it, apart is agonizing and painful. And so if you're cautious about marriage, if you want to be, absolutely sure before you take that step, I can't blame you. I was scared to get married and I've seen some pretty healthy marriages in my family tree.
If your family tree has a lot of broken limbs, I get it.
And then there's rent.
And if you renting an apartment these days it's I almost don't believe it when people tell me. What, are you living in a mansion that like know the average place and you think about that? If you're paying two rents and you love each other and the utilities and the yard work and the chores literally in a year you could save thousands, maybe over ten thousand dollars. How much good could you do with that money? A down payment on a home. I mean there's so many things to think about and so yeah, maybe maybe Mom and Dad maybe Grandma and Grandpa check their fingers at you for shacking up together. But when you when you put all of these things together it it almost makes sense, doesn't it? If we care about marriage, if we care about each other, if we simply just love being with each other and don't want to leave and drive back to my place or your place at the end of the night, why not? That's the question. I want to wrestle with today as we jump back into this series called Happy Holy Home. In the series, we are looking at what God says about what creates the happiest and the holiest homes. And so today, I have just a singular goal. Let's talk about living together before marriage. Does it make us happier? Under the eyes of God does it make us holier.
Is that an option for Christians a definite No? For Christians is something you can consider as a child of God. What's the direction from the word of God? That's, we're going to cover today. So, two parts. You're not going to guess it. Just living together. Make us happy and is living together. Make us Holy. If you can remember that you're going to know where we're going. All right, so part number one, does living together make us happy. Most people in America would say, yes. In fact, during a 2019 survey for everyone American between the ages of 18 and 49 who said no living together is bad. Five to six Americans between 18 and 49 says, no, no, that's definitely good. It's good to see if you're compatible. It's good to spend that time together. It's good to test the waters. It's good to make sure to know that you're ready for marriage, one. Compared to five to six. But here's the interesting thing. Because we live in this time and place, we actually have a truckload of studies to prove one of the other.
Back in our grandparents day they probably wouldn't have known. Is this going to work out? Is this good for society? Bad for society? But now here in the 2020s we have study after study after study after study that compares couples who live together before marriage and couples that don't. Have you read any of these studies just yet? They are shockingly and surprisingly. One-sided.
Let me rattle a few offer you here today, according to the latest research couples, who marry without living together. First, they go right? From living in separate spots to married. They trust each other more in marriage. They serve each other more. They tend to be more satisfied with the division of household, chores and more satisfied with their sex lives. Those who marry without living together. First of are likely to be faithful to each other, in marriage, more likely to stay together in marriage and more likely to raise healthy children.
A study from UCLA said that cohabiters, people who live together before marriage, experience, significantly more difficulty in their marriages, with adultery, alcohol, and drugs. A professor from Western Washington said that, living together is quotes the most robust predictor of marital, dissolution AKA divorce.
That's not Peter and Paul that's UCLA and Western Washington. Another survey said that if you live together before marriage, you are 50 to 80% more likely to get divorced after you get married.
Is that surprising?
I mean, on paper, I would think. Okay, you date figure out. Hey, this is pretty serious. You take it to the next step and you live together and you figure out. Yeah. Like we want to be together forever and you get married, and you're stronger, because of that Center step. But study, after study, after study says, if you take out that step and go from here to here,
You end up happier and more faithful. More sexually satisfied. More pleased with housework healthier kids? What kind of begs the big question. Why would that be ?
I asked some local pastors that question and here was their Theory. Because when a couple lives together before marriage, although it might seem like marriage without the official piece of paper, what it's missing is actually the very Foundation of marriage. When you're living together in testing the waters? Am I in or am I out? Do I want to marry this person or do I Not? What ends up happening is that you practice almost in your head a way of thinking about your relationship, that is the very opposite of a marriage relationship. It's almost like you're learning how to shoot a free throw with bad form and the longer you shoot the worse the form gets and the harder it is to shoot it. Well, once you actually get married, What do I mean? Let me show you one Bible passage from the book of Ephesians chapter 5 says what marriage looks like from a Christian context. Verse 33 says, however, each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself. So with a good husband should do and the wife must respect her husband.
Not shocking, husbands love your wives respect, that's Christian marriage but you notice a word that is not in this verse
If?
I would love you enough. You're making me happy. I'm going to be here, forever and ever and ever. If You're showing me enough respect in Christian marriage, there are no ifs and asterisks. There are reasons, a Christian can leave a marriage. That's a sermon for another day but God's very definition is not, I might be in, I might be out, I'm gonna leave the door unlocked if this isn't working out for me to Christian vow, the very essence of it is I will period. You're filling out my love cup. Today, I'm gonna love you. You're not doing what you should as a spouse. I'm still gonna love you. I have vowed before God, a husband must love his wife and a wife must respect her husband. That is the very essence of marriage. But it is not the essence of living together.
Con living together comes with a dozen ifs and 0 vows. If you don't do enough, if you don't love me enough, if you don't serve me enough, if I'm not happy enough, if this isn't working at the door, it is always unlocked. And so what are you always thinking? You're not actually practicing marriage, you're practicing a contract instead of a covenant.
A contract that says, I will, if….
Instead of I will.
And so you put all this together and what do you learn? I'll grab a pen and write this down. It would seem based on scriptural guidance. And on the statistics that are almost all one-sided that if you want to be happy. Wait.
Might seem illogical to. You might seem like it's missing a big step, but we have enough data. Don't think you're the exception if you want to be happier. Wait,
I told somebody the story when I was a brand new pastor. I was teaching the middle school Bible class late. I think on a Wednesday night and we had a group of maybe eight kids who would come and of course, on the day that I'm teaching about marriage and living together and sex, one of the kids brings his buddy for the very first time. Remember the Buddy's name was D'Angelo and D 'Angelo issitting there and I'm you know I'm talking about sex and marriage is really kind of narrow biblical traditional definition and the whole time the back of my head I'm thinking I wonder what that kid is thinking.
Of course, I get to the end and with trepidation, I asked if anyone had any questions. And guess who had a question? DeAngelo. Actually, he did have a question. He just made a comment. The first thing, the kids says, during the whole class is Pastor Mike. If everyone did that, the world would be a better place.
Not a know anything about his family background about his parents relationship. He wasn't even talking about morality or Holiness, or, right or wrong, he was just thinking about life, what would happen if people didn't mess around, it didn't violate God's laws would have had the patience and self-control to do this with the world, be better or worse, and his 13 year-old reaction was Pastor. The world would be a better place. People followed that.
And he was not a fool and UCLA study, proves it. And Survey after survey. Supports it.
Like you think by taking the step, you're going to be happier but the evidence says no, you will not.
But if I were you I'd be arguing in my head right now. And here's what I would be saying.
But is it wrong?
Okay. Statistics suggest most couples will end up with greater problems, but don't don't dodge the question Pastor. Is it wrong? Like the Bible says, you should add rules or are you adding rules? Can you prove to me? This is not a holy choice for someone to make. Yeah, maybe they're dangerous and pitfalls. Maybe it's a narrow road that we need to be aware of. But in some cases and complicated situations is it is it always wrong. All the time wrong for. One wrong. Or could this be something we could do? Could we avoid sadness and end up in happiness? Who Walk This Road of Holiness? Is it wrong?
And I would say to you, good question. If we open up the Bible, can we find any proof that God says living together before marriage is an Unholy choice.
Here's the tricky part and it's why the debate happened in that room of Pastors in the first century. Apparently living together before marriage was not a very common thing and so phrases, like cohabitation, or living together, never appear in the Bible. Doesn't say one way or the other. So, is there any guidance that God has for us? And I would say one passage speaks very directly to this issue. Let me show it to you. Hebrews 13 verse 4 says this.
Marriage should be honored by all. And the marriage bed kept pure. For God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
Let's break that down for one second. Marriage should be honored by all raise your hand if God wants you to honor marriage.
I'll wait, right honored by all okay. Some people today, because we've seen a lot of broken marriages. Say a lot, just a piece of paper or work at. No, no, no. God says, all all people. Maybe you've seen amazing marriages, maybe you've seen total dysfunctional, marriage, but marriage isn't a man-made institution, it's God's invention and he wants you to honor doesn't want you to replace it with some other form of relationship. Marriage is the sacred commitment till death do us part. God wants you to honor that. Probably came from a great family may be dense. I bet a lot of older couples who are living off of Social Security and getting married is going to cost them a lot of money. Marriage should be honored by all this matter, how much money you have, who you are, where you're from. God wants you today to honor and love the marriage that he made. Second, this passage says and the marriage bed should be kept pure. Some of you never heard this growing up in church, but sex was God's idea. He invented marriage. He invented sex, he said to Adam and Eve you're welcome and he gave them this great blessing. Now I wish I had more time to take this tangent because a lot of you grew up with a very negative religious view of sex. That is not true. Sex is good, it's from God before the fall into sin, there was the gift of sex in the Bible, Praises it. If you are kind of new to this concept, find a little book called sexpectations in our church Lobby, track it down online. Sex is such a great gift from God and it is a holy sacred gift.
And that's why on every bedroom door. God has put this sign “Reserved For Marriage.”
The marriage bed, the gift of sexual intimacy and pleasure is a great gift. Not a shameful thing, an embarrassing thing, a guilty thing, it's a great gift from God, but it is reserved for not just any bed, but the marriage bed.
And God apparently is so serious about the limits of that gift He says this, at the end of the verse, “for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”
If you're living together right now, or you're thinking about taking that step, To move in together. I just need you to meditate on those words.
“For God will judge.”
Not, he might. Or maybe in some situation, no, God will judge not just the Unfaithful adulterers, he will judge all. The sexually immoral.
Not a few of them, not the most depraved of them. This passage is saying God loves marriage. He loves the purity of the marriage bed and he will judge all the sexually immoral. Apparently sex outside of marriage is as serious to God as racism and abuse are to you.
And my simple question would be, do you believe that?
Do you believe that?
Or has our culture, just so change your view of sexual morality that you think? It's fine. Everyone, of course, everyone does it. We love each other, does it even matter if you love it. So that your body's her, right? It's your son. Did you believe that?
Because God will judge all. The sexually immoral.
You see this is my deep concern for you. It's not that you would share the same address. I can't I can't prove that wrong biblically. My fear is that if you share the same bed and bathroom, You will be sexually immoral.
You love each other afterwards I would expect the attraction to be. So. listen, Kim and I did not live with each other before we were married and we remained virgins until our wedding night. But barely. There are other ways to be sexually immoral, and we were. I can't imagine being in the same house with her. Maybe you're a thousand times better Christian than me, but I could not have done it and I'm just want to ask you candidly. Can you? Can you?
Can you keep the marriage bed pure as you're changing together? Showering next to each other, being with that person, you're physically attracted to. I bet you can't.
And if you actually took these words seriously sex is a sacred gift, but it is not for me, not yet. Not until the safety of the marriage bed has been protected by a sacred vow until death do us part. If you really believe that, I wonder what you would do,
Would you put your toes over the line? Would you tempt yourself?
Or would you flee from that temptation?
And I know some of you are now, you're mad right now. Because you know, right? You're going to get in a car after church and she's going to be quiet and you're going to be angry. And she's going to talk, you receive that “stupid pastor and that stupid church”. We just should have stayed home and watch the pregame. And I get it, living together is no small thing. It's financially weighty, it's relationally weighty. And what I'm saying to you can blow up this Foundation of your relationship, but listen, if this passage is true, and it is, I would rather mess with your sex life than have you missed out on eternal life for God will judge? All the sexually immoral.
Please write this down, you needed as much as I do, if you want to be Holier. Then the answer is wait.
Remember D'Angelo? His hand went up again except this time, he didn't have a comment about my teaching at a question for me the teacher. He listened to me. Talk about self-control and patience and Purity say no to pornography, say yes to Fidelity. Love your wife as much as Jesus loved her and Angelo raised his hand with an honest curious and very direct question. He said Pastor Mike here are some things I didn't do. But a lot of, you know, my story that there were other things that I did,
And if God doesn't judge some of the sexually immoral, but all of the sexually immoral, I had to answer a question that some of you are trying to answer right now. What do we do?
If God will judge those who looks at and see sexual immorality. What, what, what do we do?
And that is the easiest answer of all. We run to Jesus.
We run to the Savior who has a Insanely beautiful track record of loving sexual sinners. We run to the Redeemer who was famous for being the friend of prostitutes and adulterers. The one who looked at a woman who was caught in her own adultery and sexual immorality, and he said, I don't condemn, you now go and sin, no more. You and I with all of our baggage living together, adultery pornography, whatever it is, we run and cling to that cross. We confess that Jesus, I sinned I sent against you. I sinned against heaven. Have mercy on me. And he does. He does. Your sexual sins might be many. Brothers and sisters, his Mercy is even more. Your regret and shame might be stacked up to your chin, but the patience and forgiveness of God goes above your head. God might have 10-15 reasons to be mad at you but Jesus has given him 10-16 to Delight in you. I love this passage in the book of Hebrews just four verses after that. Tough marriage passage it says this, Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. He's the same. You didn't change in the last 2000 years. So in the Bible where Jesus loved the sexually broken, he is the same Jesus. And he loves us today to people who came with a past that they could not change her undo, he loved them. Redeem them, wipe them clean in the eyes of the father and he does the same for you too.
If you come to Jesus in Repentance and cling to His cross it you don't have to live with guilt or shame or hang your head and you walk out those doors. You can say I'm loved forgiven and redeemed because Jesus did everything for me. I love want to tell Jesus stories. It's called the parable of the prodigal son. Have you heard it? If this kid doesn't want to live by his father strict rules, he takes off goes to a distant land and there, he lives it up in a lot of ways. He uses his body in ways that were not honoring to his heavenly father or his Earthly father. And then when everything falls apart, he comes home.
He's rehearsing his speech. I've sinned and sinned. I've sinned
But according to Jesus, father sees him. And instead of waiting on the porch, with arms crossed, remember the father does? He runs and he opens his arms wide and he hugs his son and he kisses his son and he loves his son and he clothed his son and he cleans up his son and he throws a party for his son because that's the kind of God that we worship. You can come to him with the scent of prostitutes on your collar and Jesus will come and give you more grace than you can ever imagine.
So, you confess your sexual brokenness to Jesus big or small? And I can guarantee you this, the same Jesus who loves sexual Sinners, then he loves them today. This is our hope, This is our peace and this is the deepest joy that we have.
So what do you do now? If your bills and her bills are coming to the same address. What? What now?
Here's my simplest answer.
Talk to a pastor.
We get the complexity of this. We have, we've loved and walked with people, and try to guide them through happiness, and Holiness for decades together. For some of you, it might mean moving out for a little bit to figure. Are we compatible? Do we want to get married? For some of you, it might be. You're ready, you're just saving up for some fancy wedding and Jesus cares nothing about fancy weddings. He cares about vows and they're absolutely free to make.
So maybe you'll get married soon and we'll have the big bash a year, 2 years down the road, maybe you need some time to think and there's kids involved and it's complicated. We get it. We're not forcing you to move out before you walk out those doors. We are saying if you know the truth about God, if you want to be happy and holy then take a step. Trust him. He's a good God. And it was for obedience, never regret it.
The pastors who are sitting around that table that day, I asked the question together. We had done thousands of weddings, church weddings, barn weddings, beach weddings. We've done it. We've had ring bearers, flower girls. I had a dog bring the rings on the islands. I wasn't expecting that. We've had amazing families, crazy families, bridezillas, everything in between, we have eaten more fried chicken, and then you can ever imagine in your entire life. We have seen designer dresses, huge rings, incredible rocks. But I tell you what, do you know the wedding's that the pastor's love the most? It's understanding with a couple that we know loves God more.
They could have taken an easier route but they love God more.
And it could have just made it all about them, but no, that wasn't the service because they love God more. And there was a worldly path that they could have taken, but they didn't, they picked up their cross, denied themselves or willing to wait because they love God more.
For the Sisters. I guarantee you. When Jesus is at the center when you love him more, you look back without regrets. And I said, no, that he was absolutely worth following. So if you want the happiest and holiest home, keep Jesus in the middle weight. He's worth it.
Let's pray to God.
For some people, this message is just an affirmation of what they already believed and it's easy. For some people, it's making them wonder and question which is difficult. And for some people, it's confronting a Here and Now situation, and it is so hard. And so, I pray that you would fill this church with what we've always wanted it to be filled with grace and truth. A message that is both tough and tender. With unchanging standards from your word and get unconditional love from your son. We really need both right now to do this, right?
I'm glad we live in a world where marriage is trampled upon. Where people think it's not your idea. And so I pray that we could restore thats sacred. This is your idea for the flourishing of humanity. Help us to believe that and build our lives according to it and they follow a lot of us know people who were living together. And to approach them, to find the words to know what to say, or what to say, or how to say that, but feels so challenging right now. And so we're asking for wisdom, for timing, for patience and for love. Some of us are going to click share and send this message to a son or a daughter, grandchild, a best friend, a brother. I pray that you would give him ears to hear it as they trust you, that you are a God who's always worth following, help us to lean not on your own understanding. But they trusted you with all of our heart, our soul, our mind, and our strength. We pray, all this God, for the Holiness of your name and happiness of our homes. Let's go to Jesus name.
And all God's people said, Amen.