Ladies Don't Take Compliments. They Explain Why They Don't Deserve Them.

In this episode of That's Not Very Ladylike, we are getting honest about how deflecting compliments isn't humility. It is a habit that quietly chips away at the confidence we're working so hard to build. This week we're calling out the self-diminishing script, and getting real about why "thank you" is a complete sentence for a badass who knows her value.

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What is That's Not Very Ladylike?

That’s Not Very Ladylike is the podcast for every woman who was told to be polite, stay calm, or stop being so dramatic, meanwhile her hormones, boundaries, and sanity were quietly falling apart.

Hosted by Tracey Willingham, licensed social worker and the voice behind That Hormone Girl™, each episode starts with one rule: Ladies don’t…and then they do it anyway.

Together, we unpack the unspoken expectations, the emotional labor, the generational BS, and the hormone chaos modern women are carrying and we get honest about what it actually takes to feel like yourself again.

If you’re ready to question the rules, trust your body, and stop shrinking to make everyone else comfortable, you’re in the right place.

Tracey: 00:13

You're listening to That's Not Very Ladylike, the show where every week, we start with one rule, ladies don't, and then we do it anyway. Welcome back to another episode of That's Not Very Ladylike. And this week, ladies, we are going to change the idea around compliments and we are going to start leaning into them and receiving them. So, this week's topic is ladies don't take compliments. They explain why they don't deserve it.

Tracey: 01:08

So let's start the way we always do by naming that rule. So someone says, you look amazing. And we say, oh my gosh. No, I don't. I barely slept.

Tracey: 01:18

I look terrible. Someone else says, you did such a great job. And we say, well, I mean, it wasn't that hard. Anyone could have done it. Someone says, you are so smart and you are really good at this.

Tracey: 01:34

And we say, well, I'm just lucky. I I really don't even know what I'm doing. I just get lucky. We deflect. We minimize.

Tracey: 01:42

We downgrade. It was really a team effort. So and so helped me a lot. Oh, I can't take that credit because good women don't absorb attention. They redirect it.

Tracey: 01:58

They dilute it until it's safe enough to stand in it. And heaven forbid that we just say, thank you. Heaven forbid, we say thank you and mean it and hold eye contact and let it land. How many of us also when we get compliments, shift our eyes down? So, I want to tell you a story.

Tracey: 02:20

So people have told me that I am a great storyteller. They tell me I'm funny. And I want you to know that I have spent the better part of my life completely unable to receive either one of those things gracefully. So someone will pay me a compliment and I immediately start deflecting. Oh, it's not me.

Tracey: 02:39

It's the people in the story. That, I mean, that's what made it funny or I laugh it off or I just get real awkward. I make it so weird or I find some way to land the credit to literally anyone else in the room. Anything to avoid just standing there and saying thank you. I know.

Tracey: 02:59

And I've been thinking about why that is. Because, you know, here's the thing. I do think I'm funny. Somewhere underneath all that deflecting, I actually believe it. So, why can't I just own it?

Tracey: 03:12

So, I want to tell you about a compliment that I have carried in my heart for over twenty years. That is how much it meant to me. So I was in my early twenties and someone looked at me. I had just gotten to know this group of people who were amazing. I I worked as a summer camp counselor and it was like the best four years of my life.

Tracey: 03:31

And so somebody who was really just a wonderful person, very popular in that circle. They looked at me after a story, after dying laughing. And it I mean, it just the room was alive. And they looked right at me, and they said, you are as funny as Gilda Radnor. Now if you know your Saturday Night Live legends, you know exactly what that means.

Tracey: 03:55

Gilda Radnor was one of the originals. She was brilliant. She was warm and the kind of funny that, like, made you feel something. Like, you weren't just laughing at something. She was iconic in humor.

Tracey: 04:11

And someone looked at me, young, trying to keep my life together, probably making excuses before the sentence was even finished, and put me in the same sentence as Gilda Radnor. And do you know what I did with that? I did not thank them. I did not stand up straight and say that is one of the greatest things anyone's ever said to me. I deflected.

Tracey: 04:36

And I can guarantee you I made it awkward. I'm sure that I looked down at the ground. I'm sure I was like making excuses. I couldn't just accept the compliment. But here's what's interesting.

Tracey: 04:52

I have never forgotten that compliment. I have held that compliment in my heart, my entire adult life. And I think about it more than the person who said it probably realized. I'm going tell you right now, they probably don't even remember that they said it to me. It has meant more to me than almost anything anyone has ever said about who I am.

Tracey: 05:17

So why couldn't I just own it? I think there's a lot of us that were taught somewhere along the way that owning a compliment is the same thing as being arrogant. That saying, yes, I am good at this makes you braggy or full of yourself. So instead, we we start deflecting. We minimize.

Tracey: 05:35

We make ourselves smaller so that nobody accuses us of thinking too highly of ourselves. But here's what I've realized. Deflecting a compliment doesn't make you humble. It just makes you someone who can't receive love. So here's what I'm going to say today to you and honestly to myself because if we're going to do this podcast, I'm going to I'm going to mirror what I say we should do.

Tracey: 06:00

I am a damn good storyteller, and I am hilarious. People love my stories, and I'm done pretending that I don't know that. And if someone has ever paid you a compliment that you immediately handed back, I want you to go find it. Dust it off. Find it inside yourself.

Tracey: 06:21

Let yourself feel it. Because that person meant it. They weren't being nice. They saw something in you that was real, and they named it. And you deserve to receive it.

Tracey: 06:34

So the next time somebody tells you that you're funny, talented, brilliant, brave, Do not deflect. Do not explain it away. Do not give credit to someone else. Just say thank you and mean it. Because you are allowed to know that you are good.

Tracey: 06:52

You're allowed to stand in it. You are allowed to be without apology exactly as wonderful as the people who love you already know you are. And also, let's be let's be kind to the person who didn't have to say a word. And they chose to share a lovely statement with you. Own that.

Tracey: 07:14

So let's look at the emotional cost because here's what happens when you constantly deflect praise. And I mean consistently, habitually reject every compliment you receive. Your nervous system never gets to register safety. Think about that. Compliments when received, actually received, activate dopamine and oxytocin.

Tracey: 07:37

The chemicals tied to pleasure, connection, and bonding. Your brain is designed to use praise as information. It's supposed to tell you you are seen, you belong, what you're doing has value. But if you immediately reject that compliment, you're interrupting the reward loop before it can complete. You're essentially telling your nervous system, recognition is not for you.

Tracey: 08:02

Visibility is not safe. And being seen is risky. And over time, your brain learns. It gets very good at noticing things when you start downplaying your success before someone else can. You make jokes about your body before anyone else can.

Tracey: 08:21

You critique your own work before anyone else can critique it. You preemptively shrink. So there's nothing to target. And we wrap it up in this beautiful package of humility. But it's actually a very sophisticated survival strategy.

Tracey: 08:38

You're making yourself smaller to stay safe. And the cost of that is enormous because self protection on repeat becomes identity. You stop knowing the difference between genuine humility and reflexive self erasure. You lose track of what you're actually capable of because you've been arguing against the evidence every time somebody presents it to you. And people around you feel it too.

Tracey: 09:08

So when you deflect a sincere compliment, the person who offered it feels a little rejected. They offered you something real and you said no thanks and handed it back. And that creates a subtle disconnect. Over time, people learn not to bother trying to celebrate you because you're not going to let them. You train your circle to stop seeing you out loud.

Tracey: 09:30

And then you wonder, why do I feel so invisible? So let's look at a historical context because this didn't come out of nowhere. Women have historically been punished for visibility. And that's just a fact. So white women who stepped into leadership roles were routinely labeled aggressive, ambitious in a bad way, or even unfeminine.

Tracey: 09:52

The very qualities that made a man an effective leader made a woman a problem. And black women were labeled angry for assertiveness that would have been called passionate in anyone else. Latina women always labeled dramatic. Asian women were labeled as arrogant, maybe even too much if they advocated for themselves. So ambitious women were threatening.

Tracey: 10:17

Confident women were unfeminine. Outspoken women were difficult. And even women who navigated these systems successfully had to learn to downplay themselves constantly. Eleanor Roosevelt, who eventually became one of the most outspoken public figures of her time, was consistently criticized for taking up space. Her visibility was treated as a character flaw.

Tracey: 10:45

Serena Williams, arguably one of the greatest athletes alive, has been penalized and scrutinized for emotional expression that her male counterparts express without consequence in sport after sport, year after year, and some of those at a highly aggressive manner that she never even reaches. So the message has been consistent across culture and history. Visibility invites judgment, Standing out gets you cut down. So make yourself small first. Make yourself small before anyone has a reason to make you smaller.

Tracey: 11:22

And we didn't come up with this. We inherited that. And then we practiced it until it felt like personality. So let's reframe. Confidence is not arrogance.

Tracey: 11:33

Receiving is not selfish, and saying thank you is not narcissism. So let me say what thank you actually is. It's regulated. It's grounded. It's secure.

Tracey: 11:47

When someone offers you a compliment, they are offering you connection. They are reaching towards you with something real. And when you deflect it, when you argue with them, minimize the praise, or hand it back immediately, you are rejecting the connection, not just the compliment. You are allowed to be good at things. You are allowed to look good.

Tracey: 12:10

You're allowed to be smart, capable, magnetic, powerful, funny, brilliant, without apologizing for it, without explaining it away, and without making it more acceptable for others or their comfort level levels. You can be humble and still receive a praise. Those are not opposites. Humility means you don't have an inflated sense of yourself. It doesn't mean you have to argue against accurate assessments that others give you.

Tracey: 12:41

It doesn't mean that you owe the world a denial every time someone sees you clearly. So the next time someone compliments you, try this. Instead of your reflexive response, instead of the denial, deflection, the redirect, just pause. Take a breath. Let it land in your body for one second before you respond.

Tracey: 13:01

And notice what happens. Notice the discomfort. Notice the urge to explain or minimize. Notice that the discomfort is just the unfamiliarity of being seen without immediately apologizing for it. And that feeling, the one that arrives when you stop deflecting, that is what it feels like to know who you are.

Tracey: 13:23

So, if we were allowed to, if it were allowed to be said the way it should, it would sound like this. Here's an easy one. Thank you. Full stop. Not followed by an explanation, not followed by a redirect, just thank you.

Tracey: 13:40

And if you really want to get crazy, if you really want to lean into it, if you're going to step into your power and own it, it also might sound like, thank you. I worked really hard on that. Thank you. I appreciate you noticing. Thank you.

Tracey: 13:55

That means a lot coming from you. That's not ego. That's not arrogance. That's ownership. And ownership stabilizes your identity.

Tracey: 14:04

So when you acknowledge something true about yourself without flinching, you are building a self that doesn't need external validation to stay upright because you've learned to validate yourself. And the irony is that women who are most comfortable receiving compliments are usually the least needy of them because you're not starving for recognition. You know who you are, and you don't need to argue against the evidence anymore. So let's look at the reflection. Slow down and let yourself kind of reflect on these.

Tracey: 14:36

What compliment are you still arguing with in your head? Someone said something to you recently or years ago, and part of you is still trying to explain away why they're wrong. What is it? Who told you it wasn't safe to stand out? Because someone did.

Tracey: 14:56

Maybe directly, maybe through their reactions, maybe through the way the room changed when you took up space. Who was that? And how old were you when you first learned it? When did you learn that shrinking made you more likable? Was it a specific moment or was it gradual?

Tracey: 15:14

And what did you notice about how people responded to you when you made yourself smaller? And what would actually happen physiologically in your body in the room If the next time someone praised you, you didn't dodge it. You didn't explain it or redirect it. You just said thank you and held eye contact. Try to picture that.

Tracey: 15:39

Notice where the discomfort lives in your body when you even just imagine that scenario. That discomfort is not a stop sign. It's showing you exactly where the work needs to be done. So in closing, ladies don't take compliments. They explain why they don't deserve them.

Tracey: 15:59

But shrinking yourself does not make other people more comfortable. It just makes you smaller. And eventually you start to believe that smallness. You do not have to pre reject praise. You do not have to make yourself digestible.

Tracey: 16:16

You do not have to apologize for your brilliance or your capability or your presence in a room. You are allowed to be seen. You are allowed to be seen accurately. You are allowed to let something kind about you land in your body and stay there. Say thank you.

Tracey: 16:41

Mean it. Hold the eye contact and let it be true. And that is the most unladylike thing of all. Thanks for joining me today for That's Not Very Ladylike. If today's episode lit a fire, pushed your buttons, or called a little BS on the stories we've been sold, share it with another woman who's tired of being told to tone it down, smile more, or play nice.

Tracey: 17:09

And help a girl out by making sure you subscribe, leave a quick review, and catch me on Instagram at that hormone girl. And until next time, keep getting loud, messy, and raising hell because being ladylike is overrated.