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Welcome to An Opportunity, where every moment is a chance for growth, love, and self-discovery.
Join hosts as they navigate the intricacies of relationships, self-reflection, and the journey towards self-love. In each episode, we explore the transformative power of seizing opportunities for connection, personal healing, and meaningful change. Through candid conversations, personal stories, and expert insights, we invite you to embark on a path of authenticity, vulnerability, and profound growth. Whether you're seeking guidance in relationships, seeking self-acceptance, or simply exploring the depths of your own heart, An Opportunity is here to inspire and empower you.
Tune in and embrace the possibilities that await on your journey to a more fulfilling life.
Welcome back to an Opportunity podcast where we dive deep into the complexities of relationships, self love and personal growth. I'm Lauren and as always, I'm here with my Co host Randolph.
Hello. We're thrilled to have you join us today for what promises to be an eye opening and thought provoking conversation. Today we are tackling a topic that's often whispered about but rarely discussed openly, hall passes. That's right, we're going to unpack what a hall passes, how it fits into the dynamics of a relationship, and the importance of communication when considering such an option. Whether this concept intrigues you or raises red flags, we're here to explore all sides with empathy and honesty. And just a quick reminder, if you love what we're doing here and want to support the podcast, consider joining our Patreon community.
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You can find the link in our showed notes. Also, don't forget to follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok at an Opportunity podcast. We'd love to connect with you there, hear your thoughts, and continue the conversation. Now, let's dive into today's episode on hall passes.
All right. What is a hall pass? I would define a hall pass as a mutually agreed upon allowance for one partner to engage in sexual activities with someone outside the relationship, typically as a one time event. Absolutely, I would agree there are different interpretations that could be in there. For instance, it could be a one time event or ongoing agreements. I mean, obviously there's some sort of flexibility or rigidity for these arrangements depending on what the agreed upon parameters are for the hall pass itself. Obviously when you're speaking about about this kind of topic, the first thing that comes up is how you want to come across either being the person asking or the person receiving.
You want to make sure that you're acknowledging the vulnerability in what it takes to bring that up. Because obviously I don't think this is a subject that someone would Willy nilly bring up and not have some sort of emotional response to bringing it up. No, especially in like a hard, maybe traditional or nontraditional monogamous relationship.
I think this would be a pretty fiery topic. Absolutely. I think it's something that would definitely bring a lot of emotion. And the most important thing to do before any of the other tips that we have, any of the other conversations that will continue is making sure that you're not shaming someone for bringing this to your attention. We really are looking for a open, honest, safe place for someone to bring such a topic to someone else's attention. And I think acknowledging that feeling and that emotion behind it sets the stage for a really good, meaningful conversation. Yeah, absolutely. The way to get any communication easily from your partner is to create a safe space for them to communicate, whatever it may be. So absolutely stand by that.
Absolutely. Yeah. How you can start the framework of the conversation is using it as an opportunity to show up for your partner. So this is when you can be super passionate, make sure that you're being non judgmental, and really push into deepening the relationship through that honest conversation.
I agree. So there are a lot of reasons why someone could or would bring this up to someone. It could be sexual curiosity, unmet needs, or just a desire to explore.
It's also something that's very important is to understand what the reasonings are behind wanting this. Making this kind of a decision isn't a leap into, OK, cool, let's just try it. It's more of, hey, what's going on? What is happening in our relationship? What's happening with you that you're asking for this kind of a thing before you're thinking about it being yes or yes, I want to do this. No, I don't want to do this. Yes, I'm comfortable. No, I'm not comfortable. It's like, OK, well, let's understand what it is with our relationship, with yourself, with whatever.
Yeah. So I agree, there could be a lot of underlying reasons that a partner might bring up a hall pass, and it would be important to go into this conversation with a mindset that's open and honest. That way, whatever the root cause is, it can be thoroughly examined and dealt with one way or the other. I agree, especially if this were something that came up between you and I, it would be something of, I really want to understand what the reasonings behind this are. I really want to get to the point of if this is an unmet need, this can be something that's taken care of between us.
We don't have to involve someone else. I think that going through, if you're going through a preliminary check of this, it should be ensuring that the person feels like they have a space that they can talk about it. And then to make sure that if there is something that your partner can be doing for you, that that is the first step that's taken.
Yeah. And it can have an emotional impact at first. You know, anybody hears the word hall pass in the relationship. I think, you know, most of the time it's safe to say it's an unwelcome feeling and it's important to just kind of feel that and let that go with you into the conversation.
That way you can have the clear mindset that this makes me uncomfortable. So whatever is said here, I need to express that and convey that and make sure my partner knows that this is not an easy topic for me to address. That way, if there is communication issues or if there is an emotional reaction, your partner already knows. Well, you know, my partner's uncomfortable and they understand why you're having the emotional reaction.
Absolutely. It has been a lot of times, not regarding a whole pass itself for us. There have been so many times that it is so helpful to hear this is what's going on with me, this is how I'm feeling so that I can show up in a way. And I do think that this is an opportunity for, again, for us to be able to show up. And I know that we've kind of spoken about it, but it is so important that you're going into this conversation with empathy. And the person bringing up this hall pass is wanting to feel heard, respected and understood rather than judged. And that's what they're entitled to. I fully believe that any subject, not even just hall passes, but anything that someone is bringing up should be something that.
Regardless of how you feel about it, if you think they're wrong, if you think they're right, whatever the importance is them feeling heard, respected, and understood.
I agree. And it is equally as important that you are understood and heard when it comes to the uncomfortable aspect of this conversation. Absolutely. I think it's super easy for someone to have their partner come up to them and they immediately get defensive because they're thinking, what have I done wrong? Why aren't they happy with me? Why am I not enough that giving the person the opportunity to explain themselves? Because it's definitely something where you might immediately have the feeling of condemning them. But innately, I think it has to be necessarily that someone's not enough.
I think it's just things are being unmet and they're wanting to bridge the gap and they're wanting to make sure that they can do that with their partner. Well, I mean, if you have one scoop of ice cream and you get another, doesn't that mean the one scoop wasn't enough? Maybe you just really like ice cream.
Doesn't change that it wasn't enough. I mean, maybe that's true, yeah. Going into it with compassion and respect and you're definitely going to have the feelings of there's something wrong with me, I'm not enough, etcetera, etcetera, where maybe that is the case. But this person is trying to communicate with you.
They're trying to bring something to light. They're trying to find an option that allows for them to say what they need to say, feel how they want to feel in the confines of the relationship. In this instance, especially with Hall says. When your partner comes to you with this information and this suggestion of a whole past, it should be something that you can acknowledge. What am I not doing that is enough and how do we move forward? Making sure that you're not condemning them immediately, making them feel shame and guilt for bringing it to you, but saying, OK, let's have this conversation, let's go there. If this is what you're thinking about doing, let's go full force into this conversation. And let's make sure that there's no stone left unturned that we can't try. And then if everything that we've tried, let's, I guess, figure out if this is something that we want to do. Yeah, I agree. It could be the difference between your partner coming to you with hey, I talked to a person today and they said something terrible about you or hey, I talked to a person today and everything was fine.
You want to give your partner safe space to be completely honest and not approach you with half truths and a watered down or sugar coated version of the truth. Yeah, in this instance really easy to try and protect your partner's feelings where not just in this instance. I think in any instance, trying to protect your partner's feelings is exceptionally counterproductive. I would much rather that you short term hurt my feelings and we handle it appropriately, then you protect my feelings and then down the road it becomes a way bigger issue.
Yeah. And another thing we want to bring up is that it's important to know that just because it's worked for someone else you might know, doesn't mean it'll necessarily work for you and doesn't mean it necessarily even work for that couple that you know. I wouldn't take face value to a conversation where security in the relationship is potentially at risk.
I would focus on just the relationship that you have with your partner and don't appeal to any other circumstances. I agree. Let's bridge into the pros and cons of hall passes all righty. I think that the pros for hall passes would be addressing sexual curiosity, the potential of preventing infidelity, it enhancing communication, rekindling passion and having freedom within commitment. Those can all be kind of controversial, right? Yeah, I think so. I think all of them have the connotation of are there better ways to get those? I feel like there's a lot of better ways to get all of those things without a hall past being present. Yeah, definitely. And then the cons outweighing the pros in this instance for me a lot with there being emotional fallout, attachment risks changing the dynamic of your relationship, the social stigma of all of it in general, the potential for it escalating from a one time agreement to a completely open relationship altogether.
Having one person that's really enthusiastic about it and the other one that's not, that's giving some sort of an imbalance leading to pressure, coercion, all those different things it messing with the long term viability of the relationship.
Comparing your current partner with this hall pass that you have losing intimacy because it would having a hall pass connecting emotionally and physically afterwards will be an issue. Yeah, I, I think that's a big one. Yeah. And then pressure and manipulation is another con of this. So let's get into kind of why, why these are pros, why they are cons. Some of these pros, I would almost call them perceived pros because I think upfront they would be, oh, hey, this would be a good benefit.
This is something great. And then it kind of turns into not such a good benefit. Yeah, I agree. I wouldn't say that there are distinct pros to a hall pass, but we will go over it.
I think it's a tricky, tricky situation. And I think that in these instances, anyone who's receiving this request for a hall pass should listen carefully for these perceived prose because they could turn into a lot different things where you might think, oh, our communication is going to get better, our trust will get better, and someone might not be prepared for all of the things that it could actually turn into. Yeah, I agree. So addressing sexual curiosity. So I understand that this could allow for an individual to explore sexual fantasies or curiosities, which could be perceived as a way to satisfy desires without interrupting the core relationship.
Yeah. Well, my biggest problem there is the aspect of there being a core relationship, because to me that kind of has the connotation of there being a core relationship that you want to continue and then like a side piece, like a side relationship. And I just don't agree that you can have two different sexual relationships at the same time and both of them be either fruitful and consensual or just consensual and fun.
I I don't think that exists. So are you separating a hall pass in polyamory? I would say yes, because while polyamory works in the same sense as a hall pass, a hall pass stems from a monogamous relationship, while polyamory is more of a hey, this is what I am, do you accept me and do you want to get into a relationship with me? I don't think anybody goes into a relationship saying that, hey, somewhere down the line I'm going to want hall passes, and that's just part of me. And that's what you have to agree to, to be in a relationship with me.
I think that would be silly. Yeah, it sounds a little silly. I just wanted to make sure that that distinction was in there, that this isn't about slamming or bashing anybody in polyamorous relationships or anything like that.
This is strictly in the confines of a monogamous relationship. Adding. Try to add a hall pass into that. Yeah. Yeah. I think polyamory is a relationship type, you know, our relationship style, while hall passes are more of a disruption.
Yeah, I think hall passes can be prevalent in monogamous or polyamorous relationships and it can cause the same issues. You can be polyamorous and be in committed relationships and not have the aspect of a hall pass of being able to have a one time interaction with someone else. But I mean, if you're polyamorous, doesn't that mean you're not committed to any one person? No, I mean you can be fully committed.
You can just be committed to more than one person. Yeah, well, that's what I mean. So if you're like, you know, if you need several people in your life, wouldn't it, wouldn't a hall pass just be another person? I mean, doesn't devalue hall passes.
Having a hall pass is the intent behind it. Like polyamory is like being open and available to have the space for other people and it's something that you and your partner have agreed upon and how your dynamic works per person. That's how you want to do. We're a hall pass. The intent is, I think it's safe to assume that most hall passes, the intention is not to pursue a relationship with them.
It's essentially A1 night stand. It's just you're in the confines of a relationship. So it's a hall pass of I'm giving you this allowance to do this one specific act or this one specific thing where you know if you or weren't in a relationship, it wouldn't be anything.
You would just go do that one night stand. OK, So what happens if you have three people in a polyamorous relationship and all three of them are polyamorous? So wouldn't that be like a total of five people in a relationship? Because you have one person with two polyamorous partners, but then each polyamorous partner has two other partners because they're also polyamorous. So isn't it like a group? It could be a group. There's different dynamics within polyamorous relationships where your person being with someone else and you might not have a direct connection with that person, you might have a direct connection with that person, you might be friends with them.
You might also be a partner with that other person. They could have a separate relationship altogether. They, you know, there's, there's a lot of different things that go into polyamory and I'm sure that we could have a complete a whole episode directly on polyamory 'cause it's very involved. That's why I think for this instance, we're going to stick to hall passes within a monogamous relationships.
I'm having so much trouble having a distinction between like a polyamorous relationship and just like a group of friends with benefits. The distinction is, again, what the intention is behind it. If it's a group of people that are all just like, OK, hey, we all have been tested and we all just like each other and we want to like fuck around and find out, you know, that's that's one thing, you know, hey, we're just a bunch of consenting adults and this is what we want to do and this is how we want to live our life versus this is somebody that I really enjoy being around.
This person maybe gives me everything that I want. But maybe, you know, I have one person that's really outgoing and likes going out and doing things. I have someone else that's very introverted and likes being home, where you're getting different aspects of life and how people are and could be. And you able to kind of venture around, you're able to live all these different aspects of life simultaneously and you can still be bonded to each person differently.
Different strokes for different folks. But I think that a dangerous president to set is that sexual curiosity can only be explored through a hall pass where there's a lot of ways to explore sexual fantasies, and curiosities satisfy all of those without interrupting the relationship itself. There's a lot of different ways to explore fantasies. It depends on what that fantasy is. Yeah, very true. When you say sexual curiosity, are you talking about orientation wise or just different avenues of sexual adventure? I think both could be something. It could be an instance where if somebody has always kind of thought about, you know, hey, I've I've never been with a woman. I want to know what that's like, but I don't want to lose my relationship with you that you know, I know that I want to be with you for sure and don't have this doubt in my head that I don't ever explore where I don't think that a hall passes a reasonable sexual curiosity and a hall pass.
That's not a good enough reason for me to merit all of the potential negatives that there are when I think the safest bet to be if if sexual curiosities is the reason behind the hall pass. I would almost think that saying, OK, well, I'm going to go explore this.
I think it's something that's really important to me. I really want to do this. I want to experience this. I love you so much and I want for us to work, but I don't want to have this looming over me.
I think it's best if we take a break. I go ahead and take this venture. I do all of this and if I come back to you, hopefully I come back to you. But if I come back to you, you'll know that I won't have this looming over me because now I know. Yeah, I agree.
I think that's a much better Ave. not only in the way of fairness, but in the way of, you know, you have complete freedom and it's not just a one time. OK, let me just try this out and see how it works. You can potentially try it out with several different partners, or try it out with several different personality types. Or you know you have your complete freedom. To really explore this side of you instead of just that really restricted one time access, kind of go see a movie and hope that you don't want to see any more movies like that.
I agree. I think that sexual curiosity, especially when it comes to sexual orientation, is not something that I don't think anyone can say, Hey, I want to go out on a date and mess around with someone of the same sex or someone that I haven't ventured with before.
I know for sure that this one instance is going to be enough for me. So I don't think that it's not really something that you know for sure. Maybe it's, it is one person and you're like, hey, this is not for me.
I'm good. And it might be something that's like, hey, this is actually kind of nice, but I don't know because I don't have anything to bounce it off of. So being with, I'm not saying multiple people quickly, I mean, if that's what you want to do, then that's fine, but you know, not necessarily, but being able to have the full experience of testing out that orientation and seeing if it's what's right for you and taking the time and honoring your feelings and your thoughts as far as what is your orientation, what do you like, what do you want? And sometimes that can't be done with just one hall pass, one night, 1 occasion. It might be something that you need, six months, multiple partners, you know, however long that you need, I think that you should be able to have that. And if that's something that you want, asking for what you need from your partner and being honest about that, hey, I want to explore my Orient, like my sexual orientation. I'm really interested in XY and ZI don't want to break up with you, but I don't want to drag you through this and deal with all of the the distrust and all of this different stuff, all of the the the things that go along with that.
It could be something that. Hey, I'm, I want to do this. It's really important to me.
Let's figure out how to do this. And being just really brutally honest in this instance would help so much. Yeah, absolutely. And you know, down the road, for instance, if you take the hall pass route, then that kind of open up opens up an Ave.
for your partner to also introduce a hall pass for any kind of reason. And if it comes down to it, I think a lot of people out there would say, hey, I would rather explore this in ways that I'm comfortable with and that I have complete freedom with instead of restricting my access to figure this out by myself. You know, because no one, no one snorkels in the water once and then just starts calling themselves a deep water diver. You know, no one goes to play mini golf once and then all of a sudden there are golfers. You know, these things like with anything, almost takes a lot of time and experience and really just full freedom to explore yourself.
Yeah. A lot of trial and error, a lot of making mistakes and learning and growing and understanding better how how you do how what you want from a different person. And it could having that time separate if if exploring your sexual orientation is something that you do, having that time separate and then you come back to them and you say, hey, I, I went out there, I lived life. Of course you have to, you're taking the risk of losing that person because I don't think it's fair to ask them for them to wait.
I agree. I don't think it's fair for you to say like, I'm going to go do this for an undisclosed amount of time because I have no way of knowing, but I want you to wait for me. I don't think that's fair. But it has to be one of those situations that you kind of say, I don't want to lose you, but I also don't want our relationship based off of fear and.
All of this different stuff. So I'm going to go, I'm going to go do what I need to do. And I hope that you're still around.
Yeah, I really do think that's the the better bet. I don't want to say the the lesser of two evils, but it is certainly the lesser of two tough routes that you can take. Absolutely. Because I that definitely has the potential of being difficult and hard on anybody to lose somebody, especially if they're saying, hey, I want to venture out, I want to explore my sexual orientation.
I want to do all of this stuff. It's obviously going to be pretty difficult to hear, especially when it's like, OK, well, what are you not? What are you not getting from me? Where I think it's in that instance very easy to think critically about yourself when I it's, it's probably safe to say that if a partner is coming to you and saying that they want to explore that, that that has nothing to do with you and has everything to do with. There's an unmet desire that they have and they want to suss it out and figure out what they want to do before they want to pull you into a long term situation. Yeah, I was about to say similarly, it's, I think an understanding partner would say, OK, you're obviously not ready for a committed relationship. So go out and figure yourself out and figure out what you want. And then if what you want is me, then we can revisit it and, you know, we'll see where it goes from there.
Absolutely. I think that's the healthiest, safest, most productive way to approach that. Where I think if somebody were saying, hey, let me do this whole pass, this would be an instance that would pull into, does this turn into an open relationship where one person is totally all about this and the other person is just sort of dealing with it because they care about this person. Where I don't think that's, I don't think that's healthy either for one person to be overly enthusiastic about the prospect of somebody and the other person is just kind of like, you know, I don't really want it, but I want you. So I'm going to deal with it. Yeah, I agree.
Preventing infidelity is Wolf I it's a bad one. I I read that and I just cringe immediately. I have such a visceral reaction to someone saying that.
Transparency over secrecy. Of course, transparency over secrecy is the most important, but preventing secretive infidelity by allowing them to be able to explore is crazy to me. It is crazy because that's kind of saying like, look, I'm I'm sorry, you're my partner, but I'm going to have sex with someone besides you and we can do it in the open or we can do it. See, it's nonsense.
How is this a pro? It is. It's it's I can understand how someone could see that, but someone using the pro for a hall pass being to prevent infidelity is in my opinion, when I hear that, I hear I'm insecure with this relationship. I don't want to lose them, but I I'm doing this out of fear.
That seems like a fear based pro. It's like, OK, well, I'm going to give you this hall pass because I don't want to lose you. And if I don't give you this hall pass, then you're going to cheat, and I can't have you cheat.
Yeah, it's a it's a scary notion to say that preventing infidelity by enabling infidelity would be a pro in any circumstance, but especially in a situation where your partner's communicating that they want to have this interaction with someone else when they're in a relationship with you. I mean it could just open the door to all kinds of things.
Absolutely. I mean another one enhancing communication is I think innately yes. If you look at it overarchingly, doing a hall pass, it should lead to a deeper conversations about desires, boundaries, expectations and strengthening your communication within a relationship. It absolutely could. It also could do the opposite of completely stopping that communication altogether. I think there are so many ways to enhance communication and I think that even the conversation about someone expressing, hey, I'm thinking about a hall pass, what do you think about that? Just them bringing that up is going to give you the enhance of communication if you're doing it appropriately. This should be something where, hey, you're communicating this.
Let's get a deeper understanding. Let's talk about your desires. Let's talk about those boundaries and expectations and all that stuff. You don't have to do the action in order to get the communication. Yeah, I think bringing up a hall pass to deepen the dialogue is hammering in a nail with a bar stool.
I think you can just use a hammer and just actual actually bring up that you want to talk about deeper conversations with desires and boundaries and expectations and everything else that goes along with normal healthy relationships. I don't think you need a hall pass to bring any of that up. And if you do, then maybe re evaluate the commitment that you have made to your partner. Absolutely. It's a little spooky.
I got to be honest. I, I think that it's something like, I know that we'll discuss it a little bit later after we get through the pro or the cons, but I think that a lot of these pros are bridging into someone manipulating. It's something that could easily be a manipulative thing to say of like, hey, I'm doing this because I want for our trust to be better. I'm doing this because I want our communication to be better. Hey, I'm doing this because, you know, I want to rekindle the passion or be able to do these things.
I think it's bridging into a very dangerous territory of being manipulated. Yeah. Or having a narcissistic partner that puts their needs before the needs of the relationship as a couple. Yeah, it's very scary to me. It's like, it's definitely something that shouldn't be taken lightly for sure. But the argument of it rekindling the passion.
Some couples believe that Hall Pass could reignite passion within their primary relationship by introducing a temporary element of novelty or excitement. What do you think about that? I think there are many ways to rekindle passion and you can take avenues to rekindle or reignite passion without introducing 1/3 factor or third element that could cause trouble down the road.
I think if you are considering introducing a third person into your relationship for the sake of passion, then it should be something that is introduced very, very slowly. If someone has the right personality type and their partner has the right personality type, this could be a pro. But I'm going to say in traditional healthy relationships, this would be trying to start a fire with a flamethrower. But yeah, you can use a match to start a fire and it can be contained and a healthy fire and just enough that you need. Or you can start it with a flamethrower and make sure it's enough to reignite something. But you're probably going to burn yourself.
If not burn the both of you. Yeah. And you're looking also at what else have you burned. If you didn't burn yourself or burn your partner, what's left around you? Did you set the house on fire? Is is the lawn on fire? Like, what is the outlying stuff? What set what is on fire? Yeah, yeah, I agree. There could be a lot of things that are just up in smoke or smoldering from this. For instance, trust issues start to surface or thoughts of infidelity for both parties could start to to kind of rear their head. It could certainly ignite a lot of issues and I think the best bet would be to make the fire trying to make nice and comfortable and exactly what you and your partner need instead of using a flamethrower to make sure that there's a fire but causing some collateral damage along the way.
Absolutely, I do agree with you saying that. It should be something done slowly, but the aspect is rekindling passion and you want to introduce the novelty and the excitement. I can understand that after long periods of time, relationships get stale, and if you both are two consenting adults and you want to add the novelty in or the excitement in, I think that's amazing. But it should be done carefully. It should be done with the appropriate boundaries set in place and the time and the effort put in to make sure that it's something completely wanted by all parties. Yeah, something this big, it could. The novelty could quickly turn into a common curiosity, and that could be really dangerous for a monogamous relationship. Yeah, I completely agree.
All right, so the next one we want to discuss is freedom within commitment, autonomy and bond strengthening. This is a weird one, because I think freedom and commitment coexist within very tight bounds.
Because if you want absolute freedom, then what good is commitment? And if you want commitment, you have to be willing to get rid of some freedoms that you might have had without the commitment.
That's I feel like that's the point of commitment. Yeah, absolutely. And I think that I think the allure or the draw to this as a quote Pro is the reduction of feelings of restriction. But I would be openly challenging what restrictions are you needing and why is this hall pass something that you're needing? Yeah, Yeah. I mean, if you want freedom and you want to reduce that feeling of restriction that comes with commitment, then there are a lot of ways to do that. And I don't think asking for a hall pass would be a very beneficial and fruitful way to do that. Yeah, it just seems it is a very strange, that's very strange argument in my opinion. I think if you came to me and we're like, hey, I'm just feeling restricted, can I have a hall pass 'cause I really would just like to enjoy to, you know, I would really enjoy my freedom and autonomy, but I just need you to be good with it.
Yeah, yeah, it's definitely a weird 1 and I'm sure someone's gone through it somewhere and you know it. It could be a different story if you're asking to hang out with your ex or something else that might be running the line of, you know, something your partner's comfortable with. I do think there is a distinction between going to your partner and asking for a little bit more trust than going to your partner and asking for a complete freedom as if you aren't in a committed relationship. Yeah, I, I do.
I agree. There are some of these pros that I'm like, OK, a little misguided, but I can see where they're coming from.
I can kind of see where this could be a pro. But this one specifically, it just seems like they want to eat, have their cake and they want to eat it too.
Yeah. I'm thinking, so you kind of want, you want things to be you. You want this person, you want this relationship, but you also want to be able to go out and do what you want to do and have that autonomy. And it just seems like I would be leery of anyone feeling like they're so restricted that they're looking for a hall pass in order to feel better in their relationship.
I think, yeah, I think a good conversation to have with your partner would be, is there definition of commitment including their willingness to restrict themselves? Because I do think that, you know, with commitment comes restriction. Or, you know, what would commitment be if not? Absolutely.
It's integral to having the relationship. Is that there are some restrictions to that. And I don't think that that's necessarily a bad thing. I don't think that it's really bond strengthening though in any way. Yeah, I don't.
I wouldn't say so either. I mean, you have to be willing to restrain yourself when it comes to some aspects during any relationship, but especially when it comes to these hard topics like a hall pass or, you know, even branching out into other things besides monogamy. All right, so we've gone over the pros slash perceived pros of the hall pass perceived.
I think they are. They're very perceived. Yeah. Because I think that if you can dive into them a little bit more, you kind of see that you when you look at those, you're looking at a almost rose colored glass view of those things.
Yeah. Or at the very least a very selfish feel. Yeah, absolutely. But the cons, I think that they should at least be heavily looked at and understood before this kind of decision is made. Because while the pros are perceived pros and there are negative aspects that have to do with those, the cons are really heavy and hefty and really could be the end of a relationship. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Like our first one on the list of cons here is the emotional fallout. And there very well could be an intense emotional fallout, even with the mutual agreement of the hall pass.
Absolutely. There's definitely an aspect of feeling jealousy, betrayal, inadequacy, all of those things that we've kind of mentioned, but that would be really intense. And sometimes there are certain people that can. I'm not saying that a couple can't work through those fallouts, but it would definitely be an uphill battle that. It doesn't necessarily need to happen.
Yeah. Especially if you're looking for more intimacy. I can. I can tell you that a lot. There's a lot of evidence for all three of these things. Jealousy, betrayal and inadequacy that can feel someone to be less intimate.
That's one of the things that can burn you. It really can. It can really catch up to you quickly. And it could be one of those that once the ball starts rolling down the hill, you can't stop it and you can't slow it down. It's just, can you warn somebody ahead of time that it's coming? Yeah, Yeah, it could be rough.
Absolutely. I think another aspect is the risk of developing emotional feelings to the person that you have the whole pass with. So it definitely could threaten the stability of your relationship, whether you intended for it to or not. Because I don't think that there's a way for you to anticipate how you'll feel after an act like that. Yeah, absolutely. And you know, you're going to someone hopefully saying that this is a whole pass. I am in a committed relationship, so this is kind of a one time thing and you just kind of have to hope that they're OK with that and they won't resort to more devious methods like stalking, harassment, any anything else like that. I mean, that's always a potential as well. Yeah, I didn't even think about that. But that's the scary side of that, that someone could get to the point where they're like, no, I'm really happy with this. I like, you know, our experience.
I want more. And then it becoming an issue where safety for you, your partner, you know, your family, your house, your anything could come into come into play. Yeah, certainly your partner as well.
Yeah. Because, I mean, it could be, I don't know, there's some unhinged people out there. It really is.
Yeah. Especially when it comes to what seems to be just a hookup A1 time thing, you know, if they want to continue it and they're going to do whatever they can to continue it, then it's obviously going to involve your partner and your personal life a lot more. And that might just ruin your relationship. Even if it doesn't affect you physically, you know, there's a lot of things that could happen with that.
Yeah. Something that I just thought about that I don't think is on this list, but I just thought about. The attachment risk that it could become something where have you spoken to your your person? If this does, if this is something that you want to do, have you spoken to your person about, you know, hey, I like what if the person that you have the the whole past with, they decide that they're going to sabotage your relationship and they're going to say they could make a lot of false accusations.
They could not just ruin your relationship. It could ruin your life, your job. Like those are kind of things that I don't think you can, you can't escape from. And unfortunately, there are women, I'm not saying that there aren't men also, but there are definitely women that might feel cross and resort to those things because they feel like they got gypped or something and decide to take that route of saying that that you assaulted them. Yeah, definitely. Or even your partner in in general could also ask for a hall pass. And it could be, you know, something, her they asked for a hall pass with your brother, with your sister or your best friend.
And it's. It really is inviting a tornado into a China shop. Oh, my gosh. A brother, a sister, a best friend. Oh, my gosh.
Yeah. It's very possible. Like, you don't. You just don't know.
You could ask your partner tomorrow if they would accept a hall pass. And if so, who for? And, you know, it could very easily be a a situation where it involves family or maybe your best friend or maybe his best friend.
I mean it. Yeah. There's a lot that can happen. It could also be an ex. It could.
Yeah. Man. Oof. Oof. Oof. Oof. Oof. That is definition of discomfort.
It really is just a bad situation waiting to happen. Yeah. That is scary. I mean, another thing is, you know, just rolling down the list of the things that we've kind of thought about the the changing of the dynamics of the relationship. So it might lead to more restriction.
One of the pros that we discussed was the potential of autonomy and feeling less restriction. The change in the dynamic could make even more restrictions, even more rules and boundaries that get put into place that might not have naturally been there, that weren't really necessary. But now you've added this. So someone is feeling like, OK, well now we've got to kind of tighten up, tighten the ship up. Yeah, your partner could easily be thinking, well, OK, that that happened. So what's to stop them from continuously seeing each other, just not bringing it to me? Yeah, absolutely. And they could become, you know, paranoid, depressed, violent. There's a lot that can happen just by that scenario unfolding. Yeah, it definitely is such a slippery slope.
It's really scary. Sure is. I agree. Sorry. No, it's OK.
I mean, there are other ones. The social stigma. We live in the States and it's pretty conservative and traditional.
I think it's pretty traditional across the board. People are going to lean into the traditional conservative ways. I know that some of the research that I did, I saw that there are certain Asian cultures that it's sort of done in secret.
It's not something that's mentioned. It's something that's not necessarily socially accepted, but more or less happens. But it's just not, it's not called that. It's called other things or those things kind of go into it, but you have to kind of take that into account that if someone finds out about it, there's going to be the potential for judgment, gossip, someone having their thoughts and feelings, and they just can't keep it to themselves. And that should be something that you're at least going into and acknowledging that, hey, not everybody's going to understand this decision.
Yeah, I think it's a very real possibility that, say you asked your husband for a hall pass and everything goes fine except after he tells all of his friends that it happened. And now all of a sudden you are the outcast and group of friends that your husband has and. Unfortunately, it can go both ways, you know, like that with men and women, and especially if they're a close knit group of people, it can be like, well, your partner had a hall pass and I don't think that's healthy. And I no longer support your relationship. And I can go for friends, family, anyone close to you. And it could bring in a whole lot of people into a situation that was primarily two people in the beginning. Yeah, I think a real issue, a real worry would be that your friends, I think that your friends could have the best intentions and want to support you, but they also don't want their partners, their spouses, their anyone to think, oh, well, they did this.
So now this might be something that we can entertain where I think it can kind of cause a frenzy of people being like, oh, this is socially acceptable. OK, well, you know, you guys did it, then I'm going to go ahead and do it. And I think a lot of people could say, you know, hey, I love you, but I don't even want my partner thinking that this is an option. So I don't think that we can be friends.
Yeah, yeah, it could, it could get really ugly really quick, especially when you're introducing so many other people and so many other factors from other people into this equation that was originally to people. Yeah, it's definitely a an interesting thing because there's also like we kind of discussed the potential for escalation. It could begin as a one time arrangement and then it leads into, well, we did it once, what's wrong with doing it again? We had fun, nothing happened, let's do it again, let's try it again. And then it might escalate into a complete open of the relationship where it could end up where one partner is fully into this lifestyle and feels like they're happy with it and the other person is like, oh crap, I opened this war.
I opened this can of worms by allowing it. So now I feel like I have to continue. Yeah, I agree. It would be interesting to have the mindset that if you want a hall pass, you have to give it to your partner first. Just so you know that you won't feel any kind of way about your partner having the hall pass, because if you do, it's probably an indication of how they're going to feel if you have a hall pass.
Interesting, right? That's very interesting. I mean, I think that's across the board. If you're wanting to do something that's a little off kilter and I would consider a hall pass, you know, very out there. So if you're wanting to do something that is a little out there and a little possibly dangerous, not even not physically necessarily. I know that there are physical dangers, but I think this is more of a emotional danger more than a physical.
But I think that adding in the physical and emotional danger, I don't know, it's just, yeah, woof. So next we're going to talk about risk of comparison, and that's after a hall pass. One partner might start comparing their primary partner to the hall pass experience, and it could lead to dissatisfaction or unrealistic expectations, or even just a general loss of intimacy altogether.
It could be a physical and emotional disconnect. The experience might lead to a loss of intimacy in the primary relationship, making it difficult to reconnect emotionally. And it could just lead to your partner saying that they don't want the relationship at all anymore. And it could also lead to you saying that you're completely dissatisfied either with the intimacy or the level of commitment or whatever. And that might push your partner away, thinking that the only reason you were dissatisfied is because of this experience with the hall pass, when really you were likely dissatisfied before the hall pass.
You can just personify it now. Absolutely. Yeah. I think it's a real not only not fear, but it's a real possibility that in this. Your person might might have been OK with it and might have said like, hey, let's go ahead and do that. But I think it's human nature to maybe you see your partner after the fact and they've got a little pep in their step, a little extra than they've ever had with you. And you're like, this doesn't feel great.
This feels awful. Yeah. Yeah. I think I think that's also probably likely. And if that's unlikely, what is likely is there being this almost total loss of intimacy, even if it's temporarily.
And you know, I'm, I'm sure I'm speaking with a bias as a man, I definitely wouldn't want to share my partner and definitely don't think that a hall pass would solve any kind of issue that I would be having in my relationship.
But if rather man or woman, if you are thinking to yourself, well, maybe the loss of intimacy, the even temporarily is worth it, then I would ask yourself why there's a loss of intimacy in the first place.
If it's because you've been considering a hall pass without bringing it to your partner, is it because you've just lost a certain level of attraction? And if it's either of those, then I would say that you should communicate that with your partner fully.
Absolutely. I think that's that's critical. If the only thing that you hear out of this episode is this one thing, then you're going to get everything out of this. This is a decision that cannot and should not be made under duress. You should not be making this decision or feeling pressure to make this decision. And if you are being pressured into this decision, I would be leery of not just the whole past, but their relationship as a whole.
Yeah, I agree. I would encourage anyone feeling pressured by this and any situation where a hall pass is mentioned to communicate that with your partner and have you guys maybe take a brief break and after thinking about it and considering it, maybe reconnect and talk about it again. And really clarify that you do feel pressured and you do feel like there is an aspect of manipulation and you just can't continue like that. And that might be able to reset the whole frame of the conversation you are having. It also is going to reset your relationship as a whole. I think that absolutely it's something where especially if let's say you came to me and you said, hey, Lauren, I want a hall pass.
Here's the reasons why. If I come to you and I express, hey, this is how I feel about it, I don't like it because of this or XYZ and you come back to me with, well, if you love me, you would do this. If they're coming back with any sort of resistance, that sort of is a signal to me that your person isn't valuing what your feelings are. They're not being true to how you're feeling, like I would feel and completely like you didn't care about me at all and all you wanted was this. It would be huge. I think that, like, that's something that someone really, really, really needs to drill in, that if you're voicing your concerns and it's being disregarded, that is the biggest red flag there is.
Yeah. I think it's a good general rule of thumb that if there is any dissection or question of love or commitment when it comes to your partner asking for something in the same breath. And that's probably a good cause for stopping the conversation and really going over in your head how you feel and what this might be about. Absolutely. I mean, I know that just to be clear, I know that you wouldn't ask for this. You know, I know it's not something that we would ever entertain.
I'm not shaming anybody for it. It's not something that personally that we would do just because of all the things that we've discussed. But it is something that there should be the bridge between the initial conversation, being able to think about how you feel and go back to the person and say, hey, I took a couple days, I took a week, here's how I feel about it. And then it be something that's like, OK, what are the actionable steps that we can take to hopefully mitigate this to stop it from the potential of happening? But I think that somebody could hear this and think, oh, I should make this in a single conversation.
I'm feeling the pressure. They must really need this if they're asking me. And it shouldn't be any sort of pressure. If somebody really cares about you and they're bringing this up, it should be something that if it takes you a week, a month, six months, a year to wrap your head around it and make sure that everything has been discussed and you're both comfortable with everything, then that's how long it takes. And they should be OK with that.
Yeah. And I would say that during that cool down. If you see if you bring it to your partner and you're asking for a hall pass and you see any kind of emotional disconnect or any kind of loss of intimacy or maybe even a sharper temper. I would explore that and go to your partner and say, this is what I'm noticing is this about the hall pass? Because those are likely signs of them just not being comfortable with it and trying to suppress their emotions for the good of the relationship. Yeah, I think this absolutely is an instance where anyone in the relationship is going to try and hear you out and want to do what you want to do and try to show up for you in that way. But it should absolutely be something that during this time you're trying to repair what's going on, you're seeing what's happening and you're connecting with each other and being intentional to try and strengthen the relationship.
This should be something where you have the conversation initially, things get brought up, feelings get brought up, the pros and the cons come out and then you guys both say, OK, is this about someone else or is this about our relationship? Because I want to try and work on our relationship and I want to strengthen us. And then if we are rock solid and we've done everything that we can and you're still. Interested in this hall pass? Then let's talk about it.
This conversation could start out and draw in so much more than you even thought possible. And it could be, like I said earlier in the podcast, it could absolutely be something that your relationship gets strengthened just by the conversation. I think that there's a lot of hypothetical conversations that you and I have that we get closer because we have a better understanding of each other, how we would see things, what we would do, why it wouldn't be helpful. And I think that that could be an exercise of how do we make sure that we are as best as we can be. And sometimes those conversations can only happen at this kind of an impasse. Yeah, I agree.
I absolutely agree. You're very cute. Thank you.
It's kind of stupid. That's a wrap for Part 1 on our discussion on hall passes. Today we've explored the factors you should consider when deciding whether or not a hall pass is right for your relationship. It's a complex decision with a lot of moving parts, and we hope that we've given you some valuable insights to think about. Yeah, and remember, every relationship is unique and there's no one-size-fits-all answer.
It's all about what works best for you and your partner and making sure you're both on the same page. But we're not done yet. Next week on Part 2, we'll dive into what happens once you've made the decision to move forward with the Hall Pass. We'll be talking about setting clear boundaries, navigating the experience, and how to move forward in your relationship afterwards.
You won't want to miss it. If you're finding these discussions helpful, please take a moment to rate and review us on your favorite podcast platform. Your feedback helps us improve and makes it easier for others to discover the show. Thank you for listening and for being part of this important conversation. We'll see you next time as we continue to explore how to build stronger, healthier relationships together. Until then, keep the conversation going.
You bet.