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You don't have to look far with this one.
In this transmission I give you a dead giveaway that you might be unconsciously pushing love away and don't know it.
Getting this in the open is the portal to creating secure relationships.
Welcome to the TriggerProof podcast.
This is the first season of the Podcast which are audio renditions of
Facebook Live Video Transmissions done for the “TriggerProof” Facebook Community.
These were set up by request of our community members who wanted an opportunity to listen
to insights, tools, and strategies to help heal relationship dynamics, deepen intimacy,
and master the fine art of Autonomic Nervous System Regulation so that we can build resilience,
heal from the past, and become active operators of our mind, body, and life.
This first season wasn’t designed to be a podcast, so you’ll notice the audio isn’t
Professional Studio Quality (like it is on season 2 as we’ve upgraded incrementally).
These trainings are designed to introduce and deepen you to the most critical 2 skills we’ve never been taught:
1) The skill and practice of taking our triggers (Nervous System Activations) and turning them into deeper safety and self-love,
2) The skill and practice of taking conflict (that happens in any relationship) and turning them into deeper intimacy between the parties involved.
Not learning these two critical skills at this time in history costs us dearly: Physical and Mental health is on the DECLINE.
Doing this deep level of healing work can break the cycle of Intergenerational Trauma that didn’t start with you.
It didn’t start with you, but it can end with you,
#Cyclebreaker.
______________________________________________________________________
Join my Facebook Group to help you understand yourself, control your triggers, regulate your nervous system and know what's keeping you stuck in these times of crisis:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/triggerproof
Good evening. Good morning. It's 10 p.m. On this recording, I was just inspired
I had to jump on and I realized that you might be asleep or you're watching this on
replay if you are give me a hashtag, “Replay”, we are continuing this little series that I have been
putting together on signs that you're avoiding love, signs that you're pushing away love and
the reason why I want to be talking to you about this at this time, is that as you can see from here
Diana put the Christmas tree up, I can't take any credit, I was holding Dominic and watching
our first Christmas together, we have little gifts under the tree already from our friends
and pretty exciting and between now the reason why this is so important is between
now, like after thanksgiving, by the way happy thanksgiving, if you're American
or if you're watching on replay doesn't matter, you're watching on YouTube
between now and valentine's day, we see a spike in conflict and breakups I have been
in this line of work helping people with relationship and career and anxiety and really
helping people create secure relationships by creating security within healing attachment wounds,
all things neuroscience and neuroplasticity and every single year from now until Christmas,
we see a bubbling up a surgence like a surge of triggers of conflict of relationship breakdowns,
there is a spike in conflict and breakups that are beginning from now thanksgiving to Christmas
and I’m going to go so far as to say my prediction is that it's going to be worse. If there
is any such thing as some sort of a survey company that measures the amount of conflict
and breakups and marriages and
divorces and separations that start around this
time of year, I’m willing to put money down that now through COVID that things are going to be
even worse and so that makes this conversation that much more important. Hey Suzanne! what's up?
That makes this conversation that much more important because as in Suzanne’s case we've
been working with Suzanne for the last few months, she's in our mastermind and the family dynamic
has been transforming, there's conflict is done a lot better. Hey Kathy. Conflict is done a
lot, there's more regulated regulation happening, self-regulation happening
just with one person, Suzanne doing the work. The reason why I’m having this conversation
is because I stand for healed families. I believe that the answer to the world's problems
come from us just focusing on healing our attachment wounds so that we've create
safety in our own body, so that we can step up as leaders in a new earth, in a new world that's
completely transforming in front of our very eyes, the ones who win versus lose. On the other
side of this pandemic are the ones that have the most ability to self-regulate and turn whatever
triggers and challenges that they're going through into deeper intimacy, with the into
a deeper sense of self love within themselves and conflicts, especially within relationships within
your household into deeper intimacy, so the ones that I predicted early before the pandemic hit,
the most important skill that you can learn is turning your triggers into
a deeper sense of self-love instead of self-abandonment, which is what we do and the
conflicts that you go through into deeper intimacy these are the most important skills you never
learned and you never learned it. Where did you learn these skills? Well, take a look at your life,
take a look at your household, the conflicts between your parents, the way
they did conflict and the way that you had your relationship with your parents, your attachment,
bonding to them pretty much gives you the foundation of your entire nervous system moving
forward throughout your life and the concept of trigger proof that you're in in this community and
you're listening to this Facebook live or replay of the YouTube video or you're in my kind
of email list and you're in my kind of universe right now, you're listening because you're in my
space. The conversation is really about breaking the cycles of intergenerational trauma through
taking full responsibility of your attachment wounds and healing them so that you can break
the cycle from going passing down to your children because it sure as [ __ ] didn't start with you
and it didn't start with your parents and so when we and this conversation is really about taking
responsibility in a world where everybody wants to play the victim, everybody wants somebody else to
answer the problem, somebody else to create safety,
we desperately are like wounded little children
wanting somebody outside of us to create safety and the ones this is kind of like a
little revelation that I had, that I share with my clients and I share with my community. If you can
set yourself up to be fully self-regulated and having the capacity and the resilience
to handle an adversity like the coronavirus crisis or a relationship breaking down so
that on the other side of that you're actually better, not worse, not waiting for the storm to pass
but using the storm to upgrade yourself, you will win on the other side of this crisis.
I’ve made a living moving from chiropractic,
my chiropractic career helping people with physical crisis to moving and seeing that these
physical crises were often tied to and entangled with emotional wounds and injuries and
I’m not wearing a mask right now. I apologize to you right now, hope you're okay.
So essentially what I learned is that by focusing on the emotional crises the emotional wounds that
haven't been healed we then can actually heal our physical bodies. It's absolutely true. I’m
absolutely convinced that most illnesses, chronic pain, chronic illness, even little aches and pains
that are showing up definitely had to do with either suppressed or repressed emotions
that aren't kind of properly moved and acknowledged through the body and connected
to those younger parts of us that are basically searching for safety, for attention, for affection.
So now, I’m an educator and I help people heal their emotional wounds, emotional injuries
that happen as a result of the traumas that we go through. So, one of the things
that I wanted to talk about and really help highlight for you so that you understand
and you're able to wake up instead of use social media to kind of numb yourself,
when you're paying attention here, I promise you every time, you're going to actually be
awakened to yourself because I’m going to ask you questions and I’m going to point your attention
in the direction of finding stuff out up more about yourself awakening to yourself so that
you can choose your own reality, that's really the whole purpose. When you can awaken, you choose your
own reality rather than being asleep and having your triggers and all of your past wounding pretty
much give you a probable almost certain future as they say in landmark, your probable, almost certain
future. This is a line that they really love to use and I really like it and it really
helps you understand that your future is pretty much predetermined. It's predetermined, how well? By
all of your unresolved wounds, I can pretty much predict how you're going to react to a trigger?
What kind of relationships you're going to choose? What roles you're going to play? What patterns
you're going to get into again and again? And it's basically set out for you, that's your fate
unless there's a big, unless you choose and you make one decision that you're not going to be
a victim to your past traumas and woundings anymore and those patterns that you're going
to be at cause for creating a new reality and choosing it your own adventure but a lot
of people are scared of that possibility, it's unfamiliar to create your reality, it's familiar.
So, I’ll just go even though, I’ll keep going even though, I’m [ __ ] miserable, I’ll just keep going
because I’m scared, it's really scary to choose my own reality and that's really
the whole journey, the heroes journey that we're on aren't we
when Morpheus in the movie “Matrix” tells Neo, “you know you're the one but you must believe it”,
and Neil is like, “No, no, I don't, I can't. I’m just kind of like I’m not the one
just somebody else and so it's kind of like you gotta almost give yourself permission
to break free from these unconscious jail that was kind of you were born into
through no fault of your own. Let me know if this is resonating with you. So, how do you do that? Well,
you understand that a lot of the traumas that you went through in your past has caused you to
put a wall around your heart and disconnect you and kind of detach you from love itself
and the way that you break that cycle is through love, sounds really cheesy, sounds really corny
but it's actually true. In my 20 years as a healthcare provider,
I’ve never understood anything more powerful to break the cycle of intergenerational trauma but
through love; love of yourself, love of your parents,
love of your past, love of all of the people who
have harmed you, love and understanding and this is a very radical concept in a world where
in a social media frenzy world, where you know an egocentric, victim narrative of you know
labeling people as perpetrators abusers me too and all of that which are important
parts of our growth to go from despair to me too and go from being victims to you know
like standing strong for a cause. Sometimes what happens is the pendulum goes from one end
to the other and then we see the impact of it going from one extreme
like the women's liberation movement,
women have suffered greatly at the hands of men.
So, pendulum swings to the other side and now it becomes kind of like anti-men and there's an
impact of that and both sides, both extremes are not healthy, so kind of finding a balance
in the middle is really what this conversation's about. So, how do we block love? If you go back
to my previous videos, there you can see signs you're avoiding love, number one, number two and
number three and the signs basically are let me just share it with you number one;
if you want to go back and watch it in its entirety you struggle to trust anyone including
yourself, number two is you fear intimacy, number three is your body is closed and tense and I want
you to go back and watch those, scroll down or make sure, you go back and watch those and number four
is you fear being seen, being seen that is one of the indicators of your pushing love away.
Fear of being seen, why is it? Why is it so scary to be seen? Why and we see this a lot in our clients.
They come in relationship limbo, should I stay should I go? And the very thing that you're
when we work with people, we tell them the very thing that you've been challenged by you're going
to see an experience and you're actually in order to become trigger proof to something, unfortunately
you're signing up to actually be triggered in it. Let me say that again in order for you to be
trigger proofed to something doesn't mean trigger less, it means you must be willing to feel it.
So, for example in order for you to get over your fear of heights, you can't sit there and read
in a book, yeah you're gonna be safe if you go you know 10,000 feet and parachute, it will
open, you'll have all of this stuff. So, you're safe like the only way that I can get over my fear of
heights is to actually be willing to feel the fear of my heights of heights does that make sense? So,
the very thing that people are challenged by in their relationship is they've never
been seen in one of the client calls,
one of the clients that we're working with,
was witness to abuse in his family between his father and his sister
and he had a 25-year marriage that he was a part of that they're in limbo and
they're looking to get a divorce and he had never ever told her that he never told her
imagine being married to somebody and being witness to abuse and it traumatizing you with
guilt, fear, shame, all of the things and then you're in a relationship with somebody
and those past experiences were never even mentioned, they never even came up and
now they don't have intimacy, you think that's going on? You think that's a big
think that has anything to do with why the relationship is falling apart is that you
yourself are the type of person that doesn't feel safe enough to take
off the mask and be seen for the little boy who had that experience as a child, does that
make sense to you? Does this make sense? You say cognitive therapy, I don't know what that means
and guess what when this person started working with us I asked him to show up on group calls
to express what he just went through what his revelations were, he's like, “no, I can't. I have
a tremendous fear of being seen”. And this person is slowly dying inside and their health is turned
to [ __ ] and they don't know whether to stay whether to go and it's all because of their fear
of being seen and why do we fear being seen? Why is it that we fear being seen? Take a moment and
ask yourself that do I have a fear of being seen? Where am I afraid to be seen?
This is very very common. What I’ve observed in people who have corporate jobs where there
are specific rules, regulations and this is kind of like what it is, it's the government systems,
political systems, school systems, religious system,
medical system, there are systems which punish us
for not believing behaving
the way that we should and any time you're raised in a place where you are,
you're punished for expressing yourself that punishment stays in your body
and the message that you get in your body is if I show the real me if I express the truth of who
I am then I’m going to be shamed, I’m going to be punished, I’m going to be rejected, I am
going to have love withdrawn from me, love will be gone, so to compensate I’m gonna put on a mask,
I’m gonna hide and I’m gonna lay low so that I don't have to deal with the feelings of rejection.
Let me know if this is landing and resonating. If you, and the question that I have, in your
relationship what parts of you are you hiding? Take a moment and I’m not here to
judge you, I’m not making you wrong about it in your relationships or even in your work, okay.
What parts of you are you hiding? What parts of you do you not want other people to know about
that represents your shadow? This is your shadow part and
this becomes the prison with an unlocked door. This is your shadow, this is the part of you that
you're afraid to be seen because if you see, if I tell my partner this, if I express to
people who I really am they're not gonna love me and know these are people who message me
saying, “oh, I’m a very private person, do you just do one-on-one? I don't really want to do group work and
those are the people who fear being seen, who have intimacy issues, intimacy, often intimacy disorders
and it shows up in your relationships because what happens is you're unconsciously pushing love away
because you don't understand, you think that the real you is not worthy of love.
So, you hide the real you and people don't get the real you and there's no way for people to
really connect the my experience of you, excuse me your experience of me, if I’m afraid of being seen.
Your experience of me is that I’m uptight, I’m tense around you
I’m overly positive, I hide my negative side, I put on a mask, I put on a fake smile
and I’m completely inauthentic, you see a masked version of me,
and there's no way that you can love me for who I truly am because
I’m not willing to take the risk in letting you see it and by me not taking the risk
it protects me from the horrible, painful feelings of rejection. However, it pushes love away
and I end up feeling alone and I turn around and I blame other people when in fact it's actually
my fault, not my fault, I don't want to shame you or anything like that because it's nobody's fault,
it's my creation, not my fault, it's my creation, it's my creation that I’m alone, I’ve distanced
myself because I didn't have the courage, didn't have the tools, didn't have the community, didn't
have the support to learn how to safely take off the mask and be seen. This reminds me of
Caleb who just in this last week in our group, in front of everybody and his wife Jenna is also
in the program with them, he basically admitted he goes, “I don't really want anybody to know”. Yes,
I understand what cognitive therapy and CBT is I just don't understand what context you're saying
it in this conversation, Kathy. So, I just don't understand, I get what it is, what cbt is
but I don't know what you're, why you're writing that like what's the context of that is. There a
question is, there a comment you have about it, you have to understand from my perspective, I don't
know what you're, what you're specifically talking about but what I’m sharing about Caleb
was that he took the risk of being seen, the shadow part of him that he admitted he was like I really
feel horrible, there's a lot of people in the work that we do, there's a lot of people who are
healing from some sort of infidelity either they themselves were the partner that had the affair
or they were the partner that the other person had the affair in, that's one of the major things that
causes people to wake up and kind of look and go, “okay something's not right”. Like
they let it go, you let it go, you let it go and then the catastrophe happens, a crisis happens
which is what I specialize in. I specialize in helping people kind of upgrade themselves through
a crisis, not downgrade but upgrade themselves.
So, that on the other side of the crisis they're
actually, “oh my god! that was amazing, that was the best crisis ever. I’m so grateful
even though it was [ __ ] while I was going through it, I’m actually better as a result of
it.” I help people get there with divorce infidelity and what they've discovered was with Caleb’s share
and us holding space for both of them, they were both, they both felt seen, they both took the risk
of, he took the risk of being rejected, he goes out, “I’m afraid. I’m going to get kicked out for saying
this and people are going to hate me but this is what I did and so he held.” We all held space and
then other people because he took the risk, other people spoke up and were like “wow”. I had the same
thing, I did the same thing, who here can relate everyone, put their hands up and it's like this
amazing experience where the collective gets to see you and create safety for you to feel seen
and then when you can feel seen by a community of people, which is how we did it in our ancestry,
you know that's we've just lost touch with that in this computer age in all of this lockdown, we
don't have tribes in community but luckily with zoom and technology, we can create that
and this week we were able to hold space for someone to feel seen in his shame and
the result was the opposite of what he thought. He thought that he was going to
completely lose love and be kicked out, the exact opposite happened, we all just gave him mad love
for taking the risk of being seen and what that did was that connected him to love,
it didn't dissociate him from love and he didn't feel more rejection, he actually felt more
connection so consider the possibility that you're pushing love away because of this fear
of being seen and this fear of being seen came not because of you wasn't your fault that it's there,
it was the result and the effect of conditioning, conditioning that said that
you have to think, what we think believe, what we believe, behave, the way we behave
otherwise, you're not welcome here and we then end up creating a prison with
an unlocked door meaning it's we don't necessarily, it's not necessarily that
the prison that we think it is and if you're willing to just step in and lean
into that conflict, lean into that fear, all of a sudden something amazing happens. So, let
me know if any of this is resonating with you? Where? How? Where do you notice yourself
blocking love because of your fear of being seen,
your fear of vulnerability, fear of intimacy in
your relationship? What are you holding back? What parts of you do you feel ashamed of?
Now, the cool thing about this is, the parts of you that you're feeling ashamed of that you're
afraid of being seen isn't your fault, it comes from attachment wounds and attachment traumas,
there's a younger part of you, there's a little wounded child inside of you that was punished
for expressing themselves. So, they reacted and responded and adapted by putting on a mask.
Now, in order for you to have health and well-being you must learn how to integrate those parts? How to
bring yourself in communion with those parts and reconnect with them not just cognitively like in
CBT, Kathy cognitively doesn't actually work. I can sit here and cognitively and talk therapy my way
through my life but then what happens in the moment of trigger, you must learn skills in
order to handle internal storms and conflict so that you don't become reactive by lashing
out or shutting down and pushing further away, you can actually use the trigger to connect.
In those cases, many of you have been messaging me where do I begin?
What's the best place to start and one of the
offerings we have right here just copying it right here,
one of the offerings we have for the people that are like really keen,
many of you have already registered, we have people signed up from all over from New York, from
New Zealand, from Europe, even people from all over the world are jumping in, Australia and here's what's
happening over the weekend; on Saturday night I take you through this process that actually
helps you reconnect with those younger parts of you that determine that they're unworthy of love
because they were expressing themselves at one point and then were told
that it's too much not to cry, not to express yourself that you're
not good enough who you are and you made up a story then that is part of
that wounded child that walks around with your child mind that becomes
activated every single time you get triggered and takes over and causes you to push love away.
I teach you the methodology that I’ve actually kind of integrated from all my years of study,
DeMartini, Byron Katie, all the cognitive kind of masters joe dispenza and merge that in with
attachment theory, polyvagal theory and somatic work and it's the most comprehensive top-down
approach to healing your attachment wounds that you could possibly encounter in five hours.
In fact, it's been likened to 20 years of therapy in five hours. We're doing it this
weekend. Those of you who are coming it's going to be really amazing. We go into that exact scenario,
that time the younger self, where you decided that you didn't matter that, you weren't worthy of love
exactly as you are, it's there with you, you might as well learn the way I see it is they're there,
walking with you, sometimes driving the bus with you, being unconscious, you might as well learn how
to turn around and make friends with that little [ __ ]. How about that? that would be a great idea
and we re-establish a playful connection with those parts of you that you feel ashamed
of, that you don't want to be seen in, that's causing you to push love away because a life
without a healthy exchange of giving and receiving love is not a life worth living. I don't care
how much money you make, doesn't even matter if you don't have an ability
to give and receive love and you're pushing love away because of example number four,
then you're not having the full richness,
experience of life itself, your body's not healing,
you're showing up codependent, you are putting on a mask and pretending and you're getting
into the same old patterns again and again and when you get this right you will learn
exactly how to create a sense of safety in your relationships where you're trusting
the other person because you trust yourself this lack of trust that you have in the other person
comes because of a lack of learning these skills and it's not your fault because you learn them
from parents that didn't really understand how to do it and that's unfortunate. However
it's your responsibility, it's not your fault but it's your responsibility and why it's important
now is because lives are at stake, our children's nervous systems and the choices they make in their
relationships and the level of safety they feel at home, depend on how safe we feel inside ourselves
and are able to create in our relationships and I absolutely love teaching it for those who are
nerding out on neuroscience and polyvagal and inner child and holistic psychology and all
this stuff that's become popular especially now is the most important thing for us to learn, jump in
and I encourage you to join us. It's happening in the next couple days
and I’ll see you at the next perfect time. Let me know what landed for you in this conversation and
if you have any other questions and I’ll see you tomorrow for the next transmission. Peace out.