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The cost & courage of caring - stories that spark resilience.
Welcome to this week's episode of
the Caregiver's Podcast.
I'm your host, Dr.
Mark Ropolesky.
You can call me Dr.
Mark.
Midlife crisis is one of those
things people feel they already
know.
We joke about it.
We fear it.
We know the stereotypes.
The sports car, the cosmetic
overhaul, the new and often
younger partner, the sudden
reinvention.
But beneath the cliche is
something more human.
At some point in life, time starts
to feel different.
Mortality moves closer.
The old markers of success stop
answering the deeper question of
whether the life you've built
still feels like your life.
So today, we're not unpacking the
stereotype.
We're trying to understand what a
midlife crisis really is, why it
happens, what it makes people do,
and how to move through it without
blowing up your life.
Today's episode, we're welcoming
back former guest, goes way back
to our first episode,
psychotherapist Bev Blaney.
She joins us today for an amazing
discussion.
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Plus, it means you never miss an
episode.
We appreciate you listening, and
we appreciate your reviews.
Beverly Blaney, welcome back to
the Caregiver's Podcast.
I'm so thrilled that you're back
with us.
I can't believe it's just about 30
episodes ago that you were our
first guest, and we look forward
to chatting with you today.
Well, thank you for asking me
back.
Well, I think we'll jump right
into it.
And, you know, with respect to
today's topic, can you tell me a
little bit about what starts to
change in a person when their
midlife crisis begins?
That's assuming there's only one.
Well, it may be serial.
Yes, you're correct.
It's hard to say.
It isn't like a formula.
It's not like a one-size-fits-all.
And it would definitely depend on
each individual.
And, you know, if you're young, it
might look one way.
As you get older, it can look
quite different.
But I think what really most
people would notice is that things
just don't line up anymore.
All the things that we use to make
sense of our life and, like, the
compass that we'd had just doesn't
feel like it's true anymore.
There's a sense of a split between
who I was and how I felt and where
I am now.
It almost sounds like a feeling of
unsettling.
Well, you know, if they talk about
crisis, it's like a turning point.
It's a period of things being
unstable.
So, yeah, for sure.
It's usually very unsettling for
people.
And you bring up a good point is
that it can happen as early as the
30s or it can happen later in life
as well.
But tell me, how do you tell the
difference between the beginning
of a midlife crisis or just going
through sort of one of those tough
stretches in life?
Is it timing or is there something
really distinct that separates a
midlife crisis from going through
a tough stretch?
I think it can be both.
You know, some people go through
several of these, I would call
them sort of transition periods in
their life.
So, timing could be one.
It is very often brought on by
something that really alters the
course of their life.
You could lose a job, be left by a
spouse, have somebody that you
really love die.
So, very often that in itself can
start to have people really begin
to look at who they are and what
life is about very differently.
So, you know, I guess they shy
away from saying it is this and it
looks like that.
So, but I think people have a
general sense that something
really profound is different now
in a way that if I'm just having a
hard time,
like my life still feels like it's
generally on course and I'm not
really questioning myself so much.
And I bring all of my resources to
bear to problem solve if I'm just
having a hard time.
Whereas if I'm in this sort of
transitionary period, it's like
everything's up for grabs.
So, why can this happen even when
life looks so good on paper?
I mean, someone's built a career,
they've built a family structure,
they have stability,
yet they wake up feeling sort of
disconnected from it all, from
that very life they've worked so
hard to build.
Well, I think it doesn't happen
for everybody.
It's not like everybody gets that
opportunity.
And I guess I really look at it as
an opportunity.
I remember in our last podcast,
I'd actually pose the question,
what if the very worst thing in
your life ends up being the best
thing that ever happened to you?
I remember that.
So, some people don't hear the
call, and some people do, and some
people hear the call,
but how they respond to it sort of
circumvents what might happen or
what the potential for this time
could bring.
You mentioned that things are so
different from person to person,
but you referred to the call.
What does the call feel like, or
where is it coming from, in your
experience,
from having worked with so many
different individuals?
Is it a call from within?
Is it a call from without?
Is it a voice that you sort of
never paid attention to, and
suddenly it just slams you?
I think generally, it's a call
from within.
And I think it usually can be like
something that's always kind of
been there,
but you haven't really paid
attention to it.
But I really think that it's when
we start to get a sense of how
I've been living my life.
It stops making sense in the same
way.
And so, although it can often be
initiated by outside circumstances
change,
it really is, I mean, and every
individual has a different
capacity for this,
but it's really, it's an
opportunity to go a bit deeper
with ourself,
and to try to make sense of our
journey,
and to figure out what we need to
do to move forward in a way that
is going to be meaningful
and purposeful for us.
And that might really put us at
odds with what we have
accomplished,
or what we have been doing with
ourselves,
how we have been living in our
life.
I mean, it almost sounds like it's
part of the trap that people
assume
that the problem must be with
something right there in front of
them,
like the marriage or the job or
the life they've built.
But the deeper crisis may actually
be something that fixing those
things
has no power to change, but
something beyond.
So what does it actually start to
look like and feel like in
someone's life,
waking up each day?
I think that one thing a lot of
people have talked to me about
is they start to begin to ask why.
And what, like, why am I here?
What am I doing?
Is this all there is?
Is this all I have to look forward
to?
You know, a lot of times, you
know, the first half of our life,
we're sort of getting established
and developing our ego
and just our story of ourself.
So it's a really busy time,
and, you know, we're sort of
usually pursuing a goal,
whether that's education or a job
or career,
becoming partner, becoming the
head of a division.
You know, it's always like we're
sort of really on track
and things, our attention is sort
of absorbed in more the external
world.
We don't really remember that all
the influences and people and
situations
that have helped us sort of form
that story of who we are.
But very often, if we are lucky
enough,
something happens where we really
have an opportunity to say,
is this my life?
Is this who I am and who I'm going
to be?
And some of that is because there
may be kind of a division
between what our goals have been
and who we thought we were
supposed to be or who we thought
we were,
and what really feels unfinished
or unaddressed or unknown almost
within us.
And so that disparity really can
provide us with an opportunity to
go deeper.
You know, unfortunately, we live
in a culture that really bombards
us constantly
and distracts us and keeps our
attention focused outside
on all the things that are
happening around us
and what everybody wants from us
and how other people view us
and how we are measuring up.
And so it's, you know, if we get
this opportunity,
it gives us a chance to let go of
some of that
and to look deeper into ourself.
The problem is that our ego
doesn't like that.
Our ego gets really rattled,
and it looks for comfort and
security
and outside approval, external
approval.
And so sometimes we sort of
circumvent this opportunity.
You know, there's the whole
Hollywood joke about, you know,
he runs off with the secretary or
he buys a, you know, a sports car
or something.
It can just really pull us out of
that process
and put us back into just doing
what we've always done,
a bit like rearranging the chairs
on the Titanic.
Essentially, we've got everything
the same,
but we're just sort of managing
different things in our life.
We really have a tendency
sometimes during this
to project all of what we feel
isn't working with our life on
someone else.
You know, so it's on your wife or
it's on your job
or, you know, where you live or on
the political situation.
But this isn't something that's
going to be solved from the
outside in.
It really is only addressable from
the inside.
And once we do address that, the
outside things might change,
but that's not the origin of our
investigation or our curiosity.
It's not on how everyone else is
disappointing me in my life.
It's not how selfish or unkind or
unreasonable everyone else is.
It really is, you know, what is
inside me that is dissatisfied
that I am projecting onto everyone
else or blaming everyone else for.
It's like that word ego comes up
and it's important for our
listeners to understand
that it doesn't, it's not the
first three letters of the word
egotistical,
but it's really that sort of rule
book that starts from the
beginning of our life
that goes on to shape our persona,
which is where we find ourselves
in that stage of life
where that unsettling feeling of
inauthenticity
sort of starts developing and
brewing and fuels that calling.
Am I correct in that
interpretation?
Well, ego isn't a noun.
It's a verb.
And so, yeah, kind of.
Our ego really is a story that we
tell ourself,
that we believe about ourself, who
and what we think we are.
But it's very restricted and
narrow.
You know, certainly our family of
origin has a huge impact on it.
If you think of the idea of
imprinting,
our family of origin has a very
similar impact on us
in terms of beginning to establish
our story about who we are.
We are much more than our ego,
though, of course.
For sure.
That's just like the CEO of the
company.
But it's not the whole company.
So we go or we hear these little
voices starting to raise
and to clamor a little bit more,
and we may choose to even ignore
them
and just keep on working on our
persona
and the whole outside
manifestation of our plan.
But what happens when someone
starts ignoring that inner voice
that's saying there's something
that's not authentic here,
there's something about me that's
not congruent with my outside
picture,
my inside picture's uncomfortable.
What happens when we ignore that
for too long?
Well, it doesn't go away.
It's just because we're not
willing to attend to.
You know, it has a way of
subverting us.
Mm-hmm.
It can actually kind of, you know,
it gets us to, it sabotages us
here and there throughout our
life.
Like, we wonder why some of our
choices,
some of our decisions,
you may see, like,
us making the same kind of
mistakes over and over and over
again.
And it's interesting because the
word karma,
people often mistake it
to think that, you know,
we're going to be punished for
something we did,
but that's not really the purpose
of karma.
It is to continue to create an
opportunity
for us to learn what we haven't
learned yet.
And so we will put ourself in a
similar position
again and again and again
until we actually learn what we
needed to learn.
And I think that's another way to
think about a midlife crisis
or even just these patterns that
we develop in our life.
I mean, you can sit down with
people and talk to them.
I mean, certainly I do when I'm
sitting with somebody,
like, it's never a one-off
problem.
Like, you can see that problem has
been reflected
again and again and again
throughout their life
in the relationships,
the kind of jobs they have,
the circumstances and situations.
You can really see patterns in
people's life.
And, you know, it is those little
voices
that wear their little heads
seeking attention.
So in some people,
it can hit, like, a really sudden,
unmistakable crisis,
but in others,
it can just sort of have that slow
creep
and recurring voice and question
mark
that just sort of follows them
through a series of events,
if I understand correctly.
Well, the ego really wants to
avoid this,
you know, this sort of being set
aside
and having this go deeper.
You know, we are the only mammals
that can accidentally trigger
our fight-flight response
because of an ego threat.
Like, you never see a dog going
into a panic attack
because it's going to be
embarrassed
or it's going to meet some kind of
humiliation
or because they have felt
humiliated.
But we do.
Humans do have that response.
I've always found sort of really
remarkable
and really interesting
because it's, you know,
within us there is the capacity
to resist going deeper,
but at the same time,
we're all drawn to go deeper.
I think that's a really important
balance
between the strength of being
drawn
and that resistance,
which is probably multifactorial
and built up with so many
different ramparts.
So, you know,
does everyone go through some
version
of a midlife crisis
or maybe it's a midlife
re-authentication?
I'm not sure.
I mean, there's so many ways
you could play with the words,
but does everyone go through that
or do some people just experience
it
much more intensely than others,
hence the name crisis?
No, I don't think everybody does
go through it.
I think some people just kind of
move along
the surface of their life
and, you know,
things seem fine for them.
Sometimes they wake up on their
deathbed
and go,
what the hell was that?
But some people, you know,
they may not be psychologically
minded
or may have been lucky enough
to feel like they found their
purpose,
that their life is meaningful to
them.
I think it happens more
when we really,
I mean, it often comes from
suffering
or which is really
when our life doesn't work
or doesn't bring us
what we had hoped it would
or doesn't make us feel fulfilled.
So, you know,
not everybody is lucky enough.
Like, the people who,
you know,
find their purpose
and their life is meaningful,
I can't see any reason
why they would go through that.
But I think it's usually more
when things don't feel like
they're lining up for us
or if we've had a lot of
suffering.
We all,
suffering is always easier to bear
if we can find meaning
or purpose in it.
but, you know,
so that will definitely
get our attention.
The crisis of meaning
seems to be a very popular term
these days
and it seems like
there are lots of factors
that can detract
from that sense of meaning
which, you know,
can lead to us looking back
and sort of
wondering what it was all for.
Even young people these days,
I think there are a lot more
high achievers
who are feeling a crisis of
meaning
I think than ever before
and I'm enjoying reading
Arthur Brooks' most recent release
and he's really delving into that.
So, it seems like everyone
potentially has the opportunity
to do some important
questioning midlife
and some,
depending on
how big that threat is,
can certainly
enter a crisis.
Now, does that process
actually differ
between men and women?
Have you noticed
anything different
about the midlife?
I'm sure that there are
differences
and maybe
especially in the cause
of the crisis
and all the rest of it
but I think,
you know,
it's funny
because I do think
that men and women
are quite different
in my experience
and from my work
I would say
but I think
that the human experience
when it comes to this
overrides
any sort of
significant differences.
You know,
I know
you'll have other people
who look at this
with a different lens
and so,
you know,
if I was a doctor
and I might
have a lot to say
about that
in terms of,
you know,
hormones
and all that stuff
but as a psychotherapist
when I have somebody
in the chair
across from me
weeping
because they
are heartbroken
and they have
no idea
what they're
doing
or why they're doing it
or what they should do next
I don't see
a lot of difference.
You know,
it's,
from my chair
it looks pretty much
the same
regardless of whether
it's a man
or a woman
sitting in front of me
but like I said
you know,
you're talking to somebody
with a different lens
they probably
would say something
quite different
and that wouldn't
surprise me.
There seems to be
a certain universality
to that whole
sort of migration
from the first adulthood
to the second adulthood
where suddenly
death
and our own mortality
sort of
enters the equation
where we start asking
ourselves some real questions
and it's certainly
been brought out
that,
you know,
many people
know that sort
of cultural script
that exists today
of the so-called
midlife crisis
but
when they're
actually in it
themselves
why do they
so often
just not recognize it
until they're
suddenly acting out
and doing something
drastic?
Well,
our ego
doesn't want us
to
really.
Tell us more about that
because I think
the ego
works really hard
to not shake
the rule book
that has been
filled with rules
probably from day one
since we were born
and it goes through
some pretty
pretty drastic
mechanisms,
I guess you could say,
when the psyche
is just calling out
and the soul
is calling out.
You know,
I don't want to set
the ego up
as if it's a bad thing
because we certainly
need to have
a healthy ego
so we can function
in our daily life
and
I don't even think
that it's necessarily
conspiring
against us.
Sometimes it
just
is not aware
of
what we have
forgotten
or
what we have
or what we are
unaware of ourself,
what is unconscious
to us
and so
yeah,
I think that plays
a factor in it too
but really,
you know,
the job of the ego
is just to keep
things on track
and keep it moving
and keep things
stable
and comfortable.
You know,
we live in a culture
that is pretty crazy
right now.
I mean,
it's crazy for everything
and everyone
and
a lot of the institutions
that would have
provided stability
and meaning
and purpose
have been
really severely
undermined
and I don't mean
just religion.
I mean,
you know,
trust in our doctors,
trust in our governments,
trust in our families.
Like,
a lot of things
have taken
a big hit lately.
So,
I think
it's not surprising
to me
that this idea
of midlife crisis
or crisis
in general
has become
more salient
because,
you know,
the stability
of the world
in general
has kind of
never been
more challenged.
Do you think
the challenge
is bigger
for someone
in midlife
today
compared to
someone
in midlife
in 1960?
essentially,
I think it's
the same.
But the fact
maybe that
there are
more people
might be
because
of what's
been going on.
And I mean,
I think it works
in two ways
as well.
I mean,
I think
we have
more awareness.
Certainly,
you know,
at one time
if you talked
about the unconscious,
that would be
like a really
strange thing
to talk about.
But it's just
part of our
everyday speech
now.
You know,
it used to be
that people
didn't get
divorced
and now
it's really
common,
unfortunately.
So I think
as the
solidity
around us
begins to
dissolve,
it's not
surprising
that more
people are
experiencing it
within themselves
as well.
And there's
also,
you know,
like you said,
there's a plethora
of self-help
books and
improvement
projects that
sort of give
this idea of
making yourself
over.
I mean,
look at the
cosmetic
industry,
it's like
the latest
thing now
is like
70-year-old
women having
facelifts so
they can look
like they're
30 or 40.
Right?
So there's
this like
making oneself
over.
It's a pretty
common concept
now where,
you know,
people wouldn't
have really
thought about
that before.
I think the
one difference
that strikes me
and it sort
of echoed
in so many
elements and
it affects
young people
growing up
is that the
pressure of
external validation
seems to be
bigger than
ever versus
that true
authentic
internal
validation of
self that
only you
can assign
yourself.
I think
most people
are dead
from the
neck down
in terms of
their connection
to their
physical body
aside from
it being
something that
needs to
have a
makeover.
I don't
think people
put a
lot of
weight on
their own
internal
experience.
Everything is
up on the
internet and
displayed for
the amusement
and entertainment
of everyone
else.
We're not
really,
I don't think
we got
the concept
that what's
within is
significant,
vital,
worthy of
attention
because you
can't put
it up.
You can't
post it.
It's not a
product that
you can
barter.
We're going
to take a
break and be
back to this
interesting
conversation with
our guest
Bev Blaney.
Stay tuned.
Okay, we're
back from the
break.
Hope everybody
got a chance
to breathe,
maybe get a
little something
to drink.
So Bev,
tell me,
at its core,
is a midlife
crisis mainly
about the
fear we all
face with
our looming
mortality or
is it also
about grieving
the person
we didn't
become or
the life we
thought we
would have?
Well, I
guess I
think about
it as
an opportunity
to
become
the person
that we
wanted to
be, but
may have
been
diverted
by, you
know, the
desires of
our parents
or the
work they
didn't
finish or
wanting to
be what
we think we
should be.
I think the
mortality notion
is just about
the awareness
of time and
I think,
you know,
I've, some
really smart
people have
written about
that whole
notion of
when you're
a kid, the
days seem
endless because
it seems like
time lasts
forever and
those great
days that you
remember in
the summertime
playing from
morning until
past dusk
were just that
perfect framework
to understand
the magic of
that time of
life.
But as we
get older, we
realize that
there is some
time left, but
it's not
indefinite and
I think
that really
shapes our
awareness that
we don't have
forever to
think about
this stuff.
And some
people will
somehow manage
to defer
or delay or
just not
think about it
at all,
whereas others
sort of find
themselves at
that crossroads
where they
really need
to think
about it.
But what
will make
someone enter
a very deep
grieving process
as opposed
to just
sort of
saying,
okay, I
need to
make a
couple
changes to
set myself
on track.
Grief is a
pretty power,
to grief a
person in a
lifetime is a
pretty powerful
emotion.
As somebody
told me once
that grief is
the experience
we have when
what we hold
most precious
is ripped from
our grasp
and beyond
our ability
to recapture
it.
So in
terms of
this,
I think
I guess I
talk about
it differently
because
although I
think the
initial
impetus
might be
shattering
or upsetting
or difficult
or painful
or,
for me,
I think
it is a
pretty positive
thing.
You know,
it's funny,
I had a
man in
my office,
my studio,
several weeks
ago who
had had a
very successful
career and
most people
would have
thought that
he was
like really
at the top
of the game
and it's
like he had
awakened to
the awareness
that none of
that mattered
to him.
and I know
and I know
some people
might have
perceived that
as a tragedy
but,
you know,
and certainly
it's important
to acknowledge
that somebody's
going through
a hard time
but after
validating
how difficult
it was,
I actually
told him
that I was
excited for him
and that
I thought he
was really
lucky to have
the chance
now to
be able
to find
what was
important to
him,
to live
the life
that would
feel more
meaningful to
him.
And it
doesn't
disqualify
everything that
someone has
done and
in some ways
that might have
been exactly
what they
needed to do
in order to
come to the
point where
they're ready
to make
a change.
So when
you talk
about grief,
it's a little
hard for me
to relate to
it because I
think I'm
just so pleased
for people.
You've always
framed it with
that optimism
that comes with
opportunity but
there's also
the individual's
reaction and
the sadness
that comes with
midlife and
what's that
sadness really
about?
Well, I think
some of it
might be because
they may be
saying they
wasted all
the time or
because, you
know, in some
cases they've
lost somebody
that they
really loved and
it wasn't
their choice.
And they, you
know, I've
talked to people
who have
loved their
marriage and
they loved
their life and
somebody else
has decided
that they're
not going to
continue.
And so in
those situations
it is forced
upon them.
And, you
know, there
is this, it
can be a
sadness and
I'm not
suggesting that
people just
vault over
whatever
suffering they
have.
I don't think
that would be
appropriate but
along with that
when they're
ready, they do
have the
opportunity to
become more
than what
they were or
something other
than they were.
so, you
know, it's
not like I
think everybody
is going to
get up and
dance when
they lose
their job or
their husband
walks out on
them, but it
doesn't have to
stop at that.
They haven't
died yet.
what I struggle
with understanding
sometimes is
if you consider
the successful
story or
it doesn't
have to be the
super achiever
but the well
achiever or
the decently
achieved individual
deals with this
sadness and
midlife but
somehow and
sometimes it
gets turned
into just
drastic decisions
about marriage,
the job, or
life itself.
What steers an
individual down
a semi-well
adjusted path
versus a more
drastic path?
You know, it
is possible for
people to
drown in
anger and
bitterness.
That happens.
But I guess
what drives
them?
You know,
there's things
that we
haven't talked
about yet.
People can be
stuck for all
kinds of
reasons.
They can
be stuck
with their
parents'
drama that
they have
internalized and
lived by and
you know,
haven't really
outgrown,
haven't left
behind.
And, you
know, if we
don't resolve
our own issues
around that,
then we'll
just hand it
down to our
kids and a
lot of people
do and
everybody does.
What gives
people more
resilience?
There's a lot
of things that
can give
people
resilience.
Having some
belief in
something beyond
yourself, I
mean, it must
be horrifying.
If you have no
belief in anything
greater than
yourself, if it
all comes down
to you, and
then things go
off the rail,
that might be
pretty bleak.
It might be
hard to handle.
And certainly a
lot of people,
like, our
culture is
secular these
days, pretty
much.
and so, you
know, I
think if
there's nothing
greater than
you, and it
all comes down
to you, and
this life, and
that afterwards
there's nothing,
it might be a
little bit
harder to move
on from a
great loss.
It seems like
all of these
questions that
arrive in
midlife, which
can fuel the
crisis, often
involve some
degree of
reckoning with
the life that
someone has
built, and
you know, where
they start to
feel, I did
what was expected
of me, I
worked hard, I
sacrificed, but
now I'm
asking, what
about me in
all of this?
it's always
been about
them.
I mean, I
know they
might think
that they're,
I mean, I
can understand
why they
may feel like
they've been
living someone
else's dreams
and goals, but
they don't
seem to be
willing to
accept
responsibility for
themselves in
the same way.
Once you're an
adult, it's not
your father's
fault, it's not
your mother's
fault, it's a
big influence,
and it may
take a while
to become
mature enough
to accept
responsibility
for how
you have
been living
your life,
but at the
end of the
day, the
only way you
can really
build the
life you
want is to
accept
responsibility
for yourself
and for your
choices.
That doesn't
mean that other
things haven't
influenced you,
because they
do, but you
have to have a
willingness to
take on the
job for
yourself.
Otherwise, you're
just going to
continue to
blame everyone
else, and
those projections
are going to
be flowing
high, wide,
and fancy.
I did what
I expected, now
it's my turn.
You can see
where that
statement can
really take
over and become
also a
justification for
choices that are
so deeply
disruptive to
one's own life,
to the people
around them.
is this.
And also, can
be a waste of
time, because
unless they
really, like, you
have to accept
responsibility
yourself, otherwise
you're not going
to start to look
inward to
yourself, you're
going to still
be, like, trying
to fix
everything else
out there.
And people say,
oh, it's my
life, and it's
my turn, and all
of that stuff.
It hasn't been
anyone else's
turn, ever.
like, I
mean, most
marriages are
salvageable.
Like, there are
times when you
really do need
to leave a
spouse.
But what I
generally see when
people leave their
spouse is they're
not taking that
inward journey to
find meaning and
purpose, and to
understand what the
influences were on
your life, and
resolve the
issues that they
confronted as
children.
later carried out
into their
relationships with
other people.
And so that
kind of, like, I'm
going to throw
everything out and
start again, again,
it doesn't really
lead to the inner
work that needs to
be done to
resolve the
issues that put
you in a place
where you were
living someone
else's dream or
following someone
else's standards or
expectations in the
first place.
So, you know,
very often when
somebody leaves their
partner about four
or five years
later, especially
when it's for
another partner,
they find themselves
with the same
partner.
They just have
different hair and,
you know, they're
taller or shorter or
thinner or something,
but you will likely
see the same issues
arising again and
again and again in
that relationship that
you did in the
previous one,
you know, because
that wasn't the
problem.
It's interesting, I've
been studying Terry
Reel's couple
therapy, probably
because I've spent
the last 20 years
working with doctors
and they have a
really difficult time
with their
relationships, which
is really
understandable, but
you know, it's
really brought home
to me the fact
that most
marriages are
falling.
He says, you
know, there's
love, the kind
of love you have
when you first
fall in love, it's
love without
knowledge, and
then after many
years of being
together, you have
knowledge and
sometimes not much
love or it feels
like that, but if
you work at the
marriage, work at
yourself and work
at the relationship,
you can return to
a point where
you have knowledge
and love, and
that really what
is happening is
that you're
unpacking all of
the baggage that
you brought into a
marriage, and
hopefully they are
doing the same
thing as well, and
it's through that
maturation that you
can actually connect
with another
person in a very
deep and
meaningful way.
Is that
maturation not
only a relational
maturation, to use
a term that Terry
Reel uses a lot,
but is it also
that maturation that
comes with that
stage of your life
where you let your
true individuality
emerge, and in a
setting of safe,
mutual acceptance,
each partner
can each express
their own
individuality?
Um, I think it
is, um, run that
by me again, Mark.
So, I was just
thinking, I mean,
there's that
maturation that
occurs with, um,
the appropriate
questioning as you,
as we've talked
about, and then
if we give each
other space to
relationally mature,
uh, during those
times, especially at
midlife, that's
important, but part
of it, and I, I
think back to, you
know, some of my
readings of James
Hollis and other
authors, where they
talk about that
process of
individuation, where
you, you, part of
your love is
nurtured by
witnessing the
individuality of,
uh, your
partner, and having
them develop that
freely is an act
of love in itself,
but it also carries
its reward of being
the observer and
seeing that person
reach their
potential.
And that's
true that I would
think about it that
way.
Um, I think
that we're not
expecting the other
person to complete
this anymore.
We're not
buying into that
myth.
We're not
expecting, you
know, um, we're
willing to do the
work to become a
whole person, and,
um, that's not the
way love is presented
to us in Hollywood
or in romance
novels.
It's always, I've
met, I've met my
soulmate, and that
person is going to
complete me in all
the ways that I'm
lacking.
the problem is that
the person that we
pick may not even
have any of those
qualities or
characteristics that we
believe that they
did when we were
initially attracted to
them.
We don't realize that
we have, in fact,
projected all those
qualities and
characteristics onto
that person, and
that's what we've
fallen in love with,
and they can never do
that for us.
They can never do
that.
They didn't even
realize.
It's too big an
ask.
It's not that it's,
um, no, it's not
because, or it's not
because we, it's
because that's not who
they were.
It's who we wanted
them to be, and
eventually we will see
them as human beings
who are as flawed as
we are, and, um, in
some ways, um, I
mean, I think that
it doesn't mean that
they can't, that we
can't have
relationships that
can support that
kind of inner work
for ourselves, but
one of the reasons
why marriages fail
now is because we
just ask too much
of them.
Like, they can't
possibly, and people
used to have
marriages that used
to be, like, you
know, for, um,
political reasons.
It's like, we're
going to join this,
this kingdom with
that kingdom, and
together we'll be
safer.
It wasn't supposed
to be this romantic
ideal.
I think that, um,
if we're willing to
accept how flawed
we are, and
heal, it needs to
be healed, and
see that process
happening in another
person, um, that
can be very helpful,
but I don't think
that's what happens
in a lot of
relationships.
I think people just
get angry and
resentful when that
person turns out not
to be who we
thought they were.
I mean, I've heard
Terry, like you said,
I've heard Terry
real speak, even
Nestor Perel brings
it up, the
expectations of
modern relationships
now are so
intense and
complicated, and
by that, I'm not
saying that the
relationships are,
but the expectations
are, that you
imagine, you know,
facing these
expectations and
the unmets of
midlife, if you
will, um, it
could really sort
of take things to
the next level, so
I mean, with all
of that, the
damage that can
occur during a
midlife crisis when
someone changes so
dramatically, uh, I
mean, the people
around them are just
left thinking, like,
who is this person?
Who are you?
I don't understand
you anymore at
all.
is that, like, the
extreme?
So, I mean, I
think typically when
people are talking
like that, it's when
somebody has, you
know, they've left
their life, they've
left their family,
they've left a job,
they've bought a
boat, and they're
sailing around the
world, and not that
that's always a
midlife crisis, um,
but definitely the
person that they're
looking at isn't
meeting the roles and
expectations that they
seem to have very
happily existed
within.
And it's not, I
don't think that
that, you know, if
somebody does all
that, I'm not sure
they're actually
doing the work.
I think they're, like
I said before, just
trying to move the
chairs around on the
Titanic.
Um, I think I
sometimes say they
have no idea what
is really at the
heart of what they
need to do.
You know, we live in
a culture that
thinks that
anxiety is
something that
should be avoided
at all costs, and
it's, you know, a
sign of a mental
illness, or we're
not very good with,
um, being anxious or
uncomfortable, and
we're not really
willing to sit down
and settle into it.
And understand it,
and what its
triggers are, and
what we can do about
it ourselves.
well, really, to be
curious about it at
all.
You know, I don't
know how many
parents brought their
kids to me because
the kids had anxiety
when they had to
write a test, like,
and felt like there
was something really
wrong because the
kid was anxious.
And so, I mean,
there's a point where
anxiety can become
dysfunctional for
people, so I'm not
trying to suggest
suggest that, but
there's very little
tolerance for any
discomfort at all in
our, in our culture.
And we don't like it,
so that, you know, to
conspire to make it
something to be
avoided.
Which can then just
ramp up the anxiety
response even further
with the next wave of
challenges, if I
understand correctly.
Well, for sure, but
it also, like, where
do we grow?
We grow outside our
comfort zone, so if
you're not willing to
be uncomfortable, guess
what?
You're never going to
grow.
You know, by midlife,
death and dependency
are no longer distant
ideas, and, well, they
could be a source of
anxiety, they're a
source of all kind of
other different thoughts,
and, you know, we may
have raised our
children, we're now
looking at our
partner's health, we're
looking at our
aging parents, or
even our own
vulnerability, how do
those realities even
amplify the midlife
crisis further?
Like, if we are at
that point where we're
asking questions of
ourselves, yet we're
facing our partner's
health issues, our
aging parents, the
call to care-give, the
needs of others, and
then we enter this sort
of imbalance where we're
trying to re-explore the
self and the parts of
us that perhaps have
been let aside, yet
we're called in and
pulled in more to give
and to nurture others.
You can see where you
sort of hit that
breaking point where you
almost would feel, how do
I do this with so many
competing priorities?
In some ways, I wonder if
they've ever really taken
care of themselves, if
they haven't really done
any of that interior work,
or if they've never heard a
call to do it.
So I think it would be very
difficult to try to support
somebody in their dying
process if you haven't even
really invested in your own
living process.
I think it, you know, can be
really difficult.
Interestingly to me, I find
people really separate their
life up into compartments.
It's like, this is my work
life, and this is my private
home time, and then this is me
time.
And it's like, these are all
separate things, instead of
thinking about, I'm living my
life.
So I would kind of think about,
you know, we've talked before
in our last episode about
doctors having to balance work
life and, you know, their
private life.
And I've always felt like that
was a really strange way to
divide up a human being.
And for me, it really is more
like a Mobius, where, you
know, hopefully I'm doing work
that I care about and I'm
connected to and want to do and
find meaningful importance.
And so for me, like, I don't
change persona when I move from
being a therapist to being a
partner, being on my own in my
garden.
It's not such an abrupt
transition.
And so often when I'm working in
the garden, I'm thinking about
clients that I see.
And it just, it does flow
together in a way that is not
unpleasant or difficult for me.
But I don't know that everybody
allows themselves to find their
location and they get stuck with
a job that they don't even
necessarily like and don't feel
is significant or important to
them.
And so if they're doing, it's like
they're doing it for money.
And I want to be respectful
because
I know, you know, we can all end
up
in a place where we have to pay
the
bills and we have to pay the
mortgage.
But we didn't start out there.
I'm not sure how well we're
supported to find a vocation
instead of a career.
But I'm convinced that if we
supported our kids to find their
vocation, that they wouldn't be
struggling so much with, like, I
have
to take care of my parents or I
have to
take care of my wife.
I think there would be more of a
flow.
And I think that the transitions
between those wouldn't be as
abrupt.
But for me, you know, I guess
whatever moment I am in holds
purpose and meaningful to me.
And so I'm curious about it.
Like, you know, sometimes people
talk
about taking care of their aging
parent as, you know, a burden.
And I understand it takes
resources and time and energy.
But this could be as much of their
life, meaningful life, as anything
else they're doing.
It's like, okay, like this person
that you're with is maybe closer
to
death than you are.
What are they going to teach you?
Instead of thinking that there's
something else or somewhere else I
should be that would be more
meaningful, it's like, no, this is
my life right now.
I'm with this human being.
And am I here?
Am I present with them?
I think that that way, it's like
there's something in this for you.
You know, why and what has brought
this moment into your life the way
it is?
And what can you learn from it
right
now?
I think when we separate our life
up,
when we chop our life up, this is
mine and that's somebody else's.
This is, you know, I think we lose
that
connectedness that we have in the
moments that we're occupying, that
we're
in, that would make whatever we're
doing
easier to do because it's about
us.
Like, why is it that I am the only
person in my family of, I don't
know,
10 people who will sit with my
mother
while she dies?
Like, why is that?
What were the relationships and
the
connections within the whole
family that
resulted in this outcome?
Now, maybe as you ponder that,
you'll
discover things that say, oh, you
know, I
wasn't really living my life the
way I
wanted to.
Or maybe I'll say, no, this is
exactly what
I want to do.
But if you assume that it
shouldn't be
happening, that it was someone
else's job and
they're reneging or, you know, not
being
fair, then you're not going to get
that piece.
And I know there's lots of
families where
one person gets stuck with most of
the
caregiving or whatever, and other
people have
very little interest or
willingness to
participate in that.
But it's not necessarily a burden
to you.
It could be a great teacher.
And if you can relax into it,
maybe it doesn't
have to be so difficult or
demanding or
stressful.
Maybe there's nowhere else you
should be.
Maybe there is, but maybe there
isn't.
I always learn so much from our
discussions.
And something that really echoes
today that
you're telling me is that notion
of having
fluidity and bringing the most
authentic version
of yourself to every domain or
every
dimension of your life, as opposed
to
bringing a certain part of you
here or a
certain part of you there or a
certain part of
you to the caregiving scenario,
certain part of
you to the job, certain part to
the family.
And that sort of fluidity allows
for that
authentic person that is you to
get the most
meaning of all of your experiences
in those
different locations or spaces or
moments.
That really hits home and is
certainly good fuel
for reflection.
I think we could be a lot happier
if our authentic
selves showed up consistently.
I don't want to diminish or
dismiss that it doesn't
take time and energy.
It might not, it might be hard.
It may be logistically hard.
Well, I think it's less exhausting
though.
If you, um, I think it can be less
exhausting
if you really feel like this is
meaningful to me.
And why is it?
Is it because I'm learning that I
need to live my life
differently?
Or is it learning that affirms the
choices I've
made?
But I think that's important.
Yeah.
Either way, you're going to learn.
It was really echoed in a comment
Jeanette Yates
made on the podcast some time ago
where she said,
you know, there came a time where
I just wanted to
spend time with mom as her
daughter and as in that
relationship and just be that
person in the room
with my mom.
And that really, I think echoes
that same sentiment
of, of being there to learn from
the moment
and to be in the moment.
My mother was a wonderful woman,
but she was never
more magnificent than in her
dying.
And she taught me so much.
She thought, like, she was
extraordinary.
She was, her whole family was
around her and she was
laughing and making jokes.
And she was fully aware that she
was dying and leaving us.
You know, it does make me wonder
with people who are
choosing to have mates and I'm
worried for them.
I don't mean to sound arrogant.
I really don't.
But there's so much to be learned
in the dying for the living
that sometimes wanting to be in
charge of that and decide when
and where and how, you know, I
think some of that might be lost.
And I have no idea if and when I
face that, that I don't know what
I'll do.
But, you know, when I was near the
end of my cancer treatment, you
know,
I had a lot of damage from
radiation and it was really
painful.
And I kind of reached the point
where I thought, okay, I've had
enough.
Like, I've had enough of this.
And I was pretty ready to let go.
And my youngest daughter was
there.
And she must have realized that I
was kind of had enough.
And she laid down beside me and
she cupped my face in her hands.
And she looked very deeply into my
eyes and she said,
I see you.
I know you.
Please stay.
We're going to take a short break
and be back soon to pursue this
journey.
Today's discussion.
Folks, we're back from the break.
We're here with Bev Blaney
exploring the journey that is the
midlife crisis.
So, Bev, tell me a little bit
about your thoughts,
about what happens when we're
facing that midlife period of
questioning,
the so-called crisis.
But as a person, we're still
needed everywhere else in our
life,
by our children, by our partner,
by our parents, their family.
I mean, what gives when the crisis
collides with responsibility?
You know, I think there's
different ways to think about this
crisis in a way.
It's like, it's a time where we
can be more present for other
people than we ever have.
So, when I told the story about my
daughter, that was a crisis, you
know, for her and I.
So, it doesn't mean that you have
to be less present for other
people.
In some ways, you could be more
present than you ever have been.
I think that we think about a
midlife crisis as something that
we go to, towards, into,
and then somehow we're on the
other side.
And I don't think it actually is
like that.
I think that it really is sort of
like the turn of the wheel.
We're still, we still are who we
were.
How we are looks different.
And how we occupy our life may
look different.
For some people, it might be the
most intimate experience they've
ever had with themselves.
Because it's like they're all up
in their face.
So, they can't get away from
themselves.
And very often, people choose
never to confront themselves, to
be with themselves.
You know, some people can't even
spend a rainy afternoon by
themselves.
They constantly need to be
distracted or to have, you know,
to put some distance between how
they live their lives and how they
feel inside.
But I can't think of a greater
gift that you could bring to
somebody than to actually be with
them honestly and openly.
It does require vulnerability, but
it's such an enriched experience,
both for yourself and for the
other person.
When my daughter looked into my
face and told me she loved me and
wanted me to stay,
I mean, she was caring for me,
yes.
But there was no question about
that meeting of two souls.
I can't think of anything richer
that we can have as a human being
than to make honest, genuine
contact, heart-to-heart contact
with another person.
So, you know, the question you
asked me was, like, about managing
all these different things.
I guess, I don't know that we have
to manage it.
I think we could let it flow.
We hear so much these days about
caregiver burnout, the demands of
caregiving across all kind of
different formats.
But when we're in midlife and
going through this period of
self-questioning, under what
conditions does caregiving
actually become soul-aligned?
And, like, when does it become
self-erasure?
What's that line in between, that
line in the sand?
I think when we're doing it and we
don't want to do it and we can't
see any meaning behind duty or
obligation, I think it's harder.
And, you know, I don't want to
sound critical of other people.
I mean, these are really difficult
transitions that everybody has to
manage or experience.
And I'm sure it's hard.
But I think if there's somewhere
else or something else that we
feel like we are sacrificing in
order to be there, we'll do it.
I think it's harder.
Heather Gray recently mentioned
when she visited with us that
while you may accept your call a
caregiver, you do have a role in
defining how you show up and what
the definition of your role is and
that some you just aren't unable
to do.
And I think it points towards that
sort of authentically showing up
and then, as you will point out,
that some of it may not be within
the realm of what fits.
And that can be handled
differently through different
avenues.
You know, I think that, like I
said before, the lens that we're
viewing this through is really
important and is really going to
impact the discourse and probably
appropriately so.
So maybe there isn't one right way
to do this, but I think if you can
allow yourself to be open and
honest and not just following a
prescribed script, that you would
have the opportunity to figure out
what is authentic or reasonable or
valid for you to do.
And I don't think it is going to
look the same for all people, or
that it should.
And I think, you know, to the
extent that you have already done
some of your own work, then it's
going to be easier for you to do
that in the face of all the
demands that you're facing if
you're trying to take care of
somebody who wants to take care of
you.
You know, I think some people
really start checking out of the
roles they've already built, not
always by physically distancing or
leaving, but also by emotionally
vacating those roles.
What kind of damage can that do to
the individual and their
relationships?
Well, I think it's heartbreaking
for them and for the people around
me.
It's a well-missed opportunity for
everyone.
I guess if I go through what I
have seen in terms of people I've
worked with,
give you sort of a flavor of how
midlife crisis can unfold.
I was working with somebody, I was
working with a man who had a very
successful career and had, you
know, from the outward would have
been like considered an ideal
life.
And beautiful wife, beautiful
kids, and had experienced a sense
of, well, first it started with
burnout, but that seemed to kind
of resolve itself and, or at least
appeared to.
And, you know, it's interesting
because when you work with people,
you don't, you're not watching the
whole arc of how someone traverses
a midlife crisis.
So, you know, you only get a
glimpse here and there, and it
might not even be every week.
But my next sort of installment
was finding out that they were in
love with someone else, and they
had just, they did leave their
marriage.
And so, and I think that that felt
like the right move at the time
for that person.
But I had this whole backstory
that I was holding about this
individual, and I had it because
they,
told me about it, but they told me
a story of always having been
estranged from their father, and
their father was an alcoholic, but
it wasn't openly acknowledged.
And so they had a, so I would
describe it as an absent father,
because they were essentially, and
they were physically there, but
never really met this child's
needs, or young person's needs.
And so for me, you know, what I
left holding is when they left
their marriage, they left their
children with their mother, three
young men, young boys.
And I was struck by the similarity
of that pattern, so that now these
young men had an absent father.
And it's at a stage of their life
where they really needed their
dad, like they're moving out into
the world, and they don't have
their dad.
And it was such a remarkable
parallel to me about how they had
not been validated, loved,
accepted by their father, and they
had, their father had been, had
used the bottle.
But now in this person's life,
again, these young men had lost
their father, but instead of a
bottle, it was a mistress.
And it's not about judging the
person, but it's about seeing how
these patterns can arc across
generations.
And I wonder how these young men
are going to fill that father
wound for themselves.
And I think that happens again and
again and again.
I think I can totally understand
how it would look like a perfect
solution, in a way, because, you
know, all the enthrallment of a
new relationship with somebody
that seemed perfect.
I mean, I can totally sympathize
and understand why that would look
like the solution.
But from my position, what I saw
happening was that pain and that
wound being handed down.
And I wonder, are those boys going
to have the courage to, whenever
it happens for them, are they
going to have the courage to turn
around and face that wound, that
father wound,
And, and address the heartache
that they have that, I mean, my
client had that same heartache.
It was like a wonderful, a really
wonderful person.
And I think to some extent they
did address it and I did try to
work with it.
But I think there was maybe a bit
more work that might have been
done so that his sons didn't get
it.
We talk about generational trauma
and there's some amazing work out
there, I think, coming to mind,
Mark Wolin, and the book, It
Didn't Start With You, and of
course, Terry Reel's book, I don't
want to talk about it.
It doesn't start for anyone.
We all have generational trauma,
including our parents.
Absolutely.
And so much of healing these days
revolves around acknowledging that
they did the best they could.
And while it may not be perfect
and may have led some damage, at
least allow some sort of
reconciliation, if you will.
But do you think that the patterns
of midlife crises are generational
also?
Yeah, for the most part, I do.
I think it starts with the unmet
needs of the child.
Like I said, we kind of imprint on
our parents, right?
And we take in all of their issues
and worries and concerns and hopes
and desires.
And if they haven't done their
work, where's it going to go?
It's stuck on to us.
And, you know, we can love our
parents and appreciate what
they've done for us and respect
what they provided us with.
But, you know, some parents are
better at living their own dreams
than others.
And when they don't, we inherit
them.
It really is that collision
between how we have been living
our life and what our soul called
us to, that that crisis is about.
The tension.
So, what are the things that
contribute to us not living the
life we're called to?
Limitations of our parents, of our
situations, of our culture, of
ourself.
Not every marriage or job or
identity crisis in midlife is
imagined.
I mean, our conversation points to
the reality and the palpability of
it all.
But how do people know when change
is truly needed or when they're
just using change to actually
avoid the deeper work?
Well, I think if, I never think an
affair is a solution to anything.
It's a distraction in the same way
that an addiction would be a
distraction or anything that we
reach out to as a solution to what
is going on inside us.
I mean, we haven't done the work.
We've avoided it.
So, what are people hoping an
affair or a divorce or a
reinvention of self, so to speak,
or a dramatic life change will
finally solve inside of them?
The emptiness of, that they're
experiencing, whether it's, you
know, they haven't accomplished
what they wanted to accomplish or
they haven't become the person
they feel like they should be.
Informed by their own
self-awareness or informed by the
persona they were expected to
have?
Who's talking here, the ego or the
soul?
The soul's talking, the soul's
calling, the soul's inviting, the
ego is resisting.
So, Bev, when someone feels the
urge to blow everything up during
a midlife crisis,
how do they pause long enough to
tell the difference between a real
need for change and just what
turns out to be a reactive
decision in crisis?
You know, we talk about the
critical moment a lot.
I dare to talk about the critical
moment.
And it's that moment between
stimulus and response.
Because there is a moment, right?
Like, it's like something happens
and you feel like you really got
to do da-da-da-da-da-da.
But it takes a second to go from
that to doing something, right?
And I guess for me, the bigger the
issue, the longer I want that
pause to be.
So, if it's something that's
insignificant, you know, pause
doesn't have to be very long.
But the more significant this is
going to be for myself, for the
people that I do love or have
loved,
I just want that pause to be as
long as I can possibly make it.
Because in that pause, that's
where my real freedom and power
is.
And the more important something
is, the more time I want to really
sit with what I'm thinking and
feeling before I jump to some kind
of solution.
Because when we are initially
triggered by something, we always
want to do something.
But the purpose of whatever that
behavior is, is not to do what's
in our best interest or our
long-term interest.
It's really intended just to help
us deal with the emotions that
were activated by that situation.
So, very often, what we do to feel
better in the moment actually
makes things much worse.
So, if you feel upset about
something, you really want to take
some time between what has
happened and what you're feeling
before you jump into a behavior.
And like I said, the more
important it is, the longer you
want that pause to be.
So, that you're not just reacting,
that you can truly make a
response.
And so, in that moment, you're
really savoring what is going on
here, what is happening.
And if you could actually sit down
with somebody who's impartial and
talk about it, you can get another
perspective on it.
Because you may have very little
perspective because your emotions
are overwhelming you and you can't
think clearly.
You know, when our fight-flight is
activated, there is less blood
flow to the prefrontal cortex.
And so, if we can actually settle
down and calm down, then we get
more blood flow to the prefrontal
cortex.
And that's where all our executive
functioning and our most involved
part of our brain is.
So, we're more likely to come up
with a better solution and it's
more likely to be a response.
So, I really encourage people to
try to stretch out the critical
moment between stimulus and
response.
Everybody, well, not everybody
knows, but, you know, Viktor
Frankl always said between
stimulus and response, there is a
moment.
And in that moment lies our
freedom.
If we are just habitually
responding from programs that we
have acquired as children, if
we're responding from solutions
that we develop as children, which
might have suited that situation
very well.
And thank goodness we were clever
enough to come up with a response,
a creative adjustment, a solution
as children.
A adaptive child, so to speak.
Absolutely.
It let us survive.
But we're not children.
We're now adults.
And we have way more resources
than those children had.
But their solutions are the ones
that are probably going to be
triggered when we're upset.
Because they were the earliest
ones.
So, stretching out that critical
moment allows us to know that
we've been upset.
It might allow us some opportunity
to recall that this is familiar.
This is how it could be before.
This feels like when I was five or
whatever.
But guess what?
I'm not five now.
I can do X, Y, and Z.
And so, you know, maybe what I was
doing as a child, although it was
adaptive then, is maladaptive now.
But there could be better
solutions now.
So, if I will let myself take the
time to calm down, or if I can
talk to somebody else, they may be
able to help me look at
alternative ones.
What are the big decisions, the
obvious, but even from your
experience, the not so obvious big
decisions that someone should
really be careful about making in
the middle of this midlife crisis?
Quitting your job, spending a lot
of cash, leaving your wife, taking
a mistress.
I guess those would be the top
four that I would say.
I mean, those are the ones that I
see most often when people are
making a jump.
Your life might be absolutely
fine, or at least workable, or
salvageable.
But maybe you don't need to
totally remake yourself.
Maybe you could make renovations,
and you would still be happy, or
could work towards feeling
happier, including some of the
things that you left behind that
you wish you hadn't.
So, before we wrap up today, if
someone wants to move and navigate
through the midlife crisis in a
healthy way, without blowing up
their life, what does that
actually look like?
A prescription?
I don't know.
I think it's great.
I don't give you some ideas.
I'm thinking more an impression.
So, let's be impressionistic, and
not prescribed.
How have I?
Let me be more personal, because
how have I moved through the
transitions in my life that were
challenging?
I feel like I've had my ego
unraveled on a pretty regular
basis, which has been a really
good thing for me.
I think being aware that you're
facing something that is large in
your life is really important.
I think that clearing out some
space and some time, if you can
take some time off work or have
less piled up on your plate,
sometimes it only takes an
afternoon.
But you need some time alone with
yourself without distractions, and
you need to listen to yourself.
I would journal, I would write,
evoking a lot of curiosity, why
this, why here, why now, do I feel
called towards anything?
And then from there, I'm talking,
hearing your own voice in your own
ear, talking to a therapist or a
friend.
You know, sometimes you just need
to hear what you're saying out
loud, and you're like, whoa, I
didn't talk about that.
And then from there, very gently
and slowly moving forward and
making small changes.
I'm not somebody that would blow
everything up.
And sometimes things are taken
away from you, and so your life is
going to be transformed in a
larger way.
But even then, I think going slow
is really what's important.
And listening to yourself and
believing that there's wisdom in
here and that you do know what you
need, because you do.
If you're willing to listen,
instead of coming up with all the
reasons why it's not possible, or
why it's not practical, or, you
know, like, you can make anything
happen.
But the scale might need to be
smaller.
So, for those people listening
today, what does this process
truly ask of them?
Is it the ability to listen
honestly to oneself?
It requires them being
uncomfortable.
Mm-hmm.
Back to the discomfort.
Mm-hmm.
For sure.
It requires them maybe feeling
afraid, being uncertain.
It requires curiosity and trust,
and being gentle and compassionate
with yourself, and not expecting,
you know, being okay with change.
This is who I have been, I've
outgrown it, this is what I could
be.
If someone moves through this
midlife crisis, instead of just
reacting to it, but moves through
it, what can life look like on the
other side?
The best.
Our lives can be so expanded and
joyful and meaningful and
satisfying and fun, instead of
being painful and dreary and just
nasty.
It's always worth it, it's always
worth it to me.
And I think it is worth it, or I
wouldn't say that.
You have a chance to, you know, we
have the opportunity to live until
we die.
We don't have to just exist until
we fall over.
And as far as we know, I mean, if
you're a Buddhist, you might
believe in reincarnation, but you
don't come back as the same
person.
So this is like this one
opportunity, like, and like, why
not enjoy it?
I'm not going to be here forever,
but like, why not really stuck the
juice out of what can be?
And I don't need to worry about
dying, because that's going to
take care of itself.
But until I take my last breath,
I'm going to live right up to the
last moment, because why not?
I'll be dead for a long time.
I'd love our listeners to hear it
coming from you, but can a midlife
crisis become a turning point
instead of just a breakdown?
Oh gosh, the breakdown isn't the
whole point.
That's like, that's what just
started the game going.
Like, you know, like, nothing's
broken.
Nothing's broken.
Things have evolved and changed.
It's like, everything is still
viable.
And you might be so much happier
and have a richness in your life
that you never thought was
possible.
If you allow yourself to have
that.
You know, like I said, your ego is
not all of who you are.
And the self isn't a noun, it's a
verb.
So we're always selfing, if we let
ourself.
I wanted to thank you for coming
back to visit with us today.
It's been such an enthralling,
meaningful conversation.
It's been personal.
It's been authentic.
You came to this conversation as
your true self, and we appreciate
it.
Folks, that wraps up today's
episode of the Caregivers Podcast.
I'm your host, Dr.
Mark, and we'll see you again next
week.
Bev, thank you.
This was a really rich and
important conversation.
Midlife crisis is one of those
phrases people think they
understand.
But as we've explored today, it
often carries something much
deeper.
Grief, fear, disillusionment, and
the pressure of realizing that
time is not endless.
But what I appreciate in this
conversation today is the reminder
that this period of life does not
have to be defined by chaos or
collapse.
It can also be a moment of
reckoning that leads to clarity,
humility, and a different way of
moving forward.
Before we wrap up, I wanted to
remind you of something important.
The conversations you hear on this
podcast are here to inform, to
support, to spark reflection.
We're not a substitute for
professional medical advice, care,
therapy, or crisis services.
Listening to this podcast does not
create a doctor-patient or
caregiver-client relationship
between us.
If you're facing a medical
concern, health challenge, a
mental health challenge, or a
caregiving situation that needs
guidance,
I encourage you to reach out to a
qualified professional who knows
your story.
If you're ever in crisis, please
don't wait.
Call your local emergency number
or recognize crisis hotline right
away.
You deserve real-time help and
support.
The views you hear on this show,
whether from me or my guests, are
our own.
They don't necessarily reflect any
organizations we work with, are
part of, or have worked with,
or been part of in the past.
This podcast is an independent
production.
It's not tied to any hospital,
university, or healthcare system.
Thank you for being here, for
listening, and most of all, for
taking the time to care for
yourself
while you continue to care for
others.
I look forward to hearing from
you.