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In a world where AI is ever-present, information never stops, and external opinions flood our feeds, it’s easy to lose touch with the one voice that truly knows: your own.
Return to Intuition is a podcast for conscious leaders, working parents, creatives, and seekers who are ready to pause the noise and tune back in. Hosted by Erin McMahon—marketing executive, mother of two, and intuitive seeker—this show explores how reconnecting with your inner voice can transform the way you lead, parent, create, and live.
Each episode offers grounded insight, personal reflection, and meaningful conversations with founders, intuitive leaders, and thoughtful creators navigating growth, ambition, and soul-aligned choices in a fast-changing world.
Let’s face the future knowing our greatest guide is within—and talk to each other about how to use the world around us to build the best every day and an even better future.
00:00:03:01 - 00:00:22:16
Unknown
Hi friends. Welcome back to Seek the Magic. I'm your host, Aaron, and today we are exploring one of the most transformative tools in life emotional regulation, both as it relates to our own lives, but then also how we think about emotional regulation regulation in the context of parenting. I'm joined by Nicole and my wonderful guest and fellow mom.
00:00:22:19 - 00:00:49:00
Unknown
We connected during a lesson, a brief Transform Transformational coaching program, which ties into many things, but one of which is explaining your own emotions, patterns, and inner child. And it so happens that there are moms in the group that decided to create their own, mini group and have conversations and, start connecting about how having kids and young kids help them explore their own emotional regulation.
00:00:49:00 - 00:01:09:19
Unknown
But then that what we were learning really impacted how we were raising our kids. So we're going to get into it in today's episode and talk about how our own emotional world can open up more presence and connection and magic with our children. So welcome, Nicole. Thank you. Erin, I'm so excited to be here with you and excited to talk about this topic.
00:01:09:19 - 00:01:33:26
Unknown
I love the way that you introduce just it, because I feel like that was my introduction into, well, like a crash course in emotional regulation, right? Was an Alyssa's program with you and doing all of that work and bringing so much awareness to where my nervous system was, right. It was so valuable. And then I got to see how it was impacting my relationship with my little ones, which was pretty cool.
00:01:33:26 - 00:01:59:16
Unknown
So I'm loving connecting with other moms on this topic and supporting them and kind of, you know, taking more control of their nervous systems and supporting their kids better, too. So yeah, I'm excited to be here with you. Awesome. Yeah, I feel like I feel lucky that, I mean, part of me when we are taking this class is like, I, I wish I learned this in my 20s, but then part of me said, you know, oh, I'm glad I'm learning it now.
00:01:59:18 - 00:02:26:21
Unknown
And, as I'm raising my kids because it's just bringing a whole new depth and new richness and, to everything that we're learning and how we can, connect with our kids on it immediately. So true, so true. Yeah. So maybe just to start, maybe, Nicole, you can tell us a little bit about yourself, your family, and you know, how many kids you have and you know what your life is like now?
00:02:26:23 - 00:02:55:29
Unknown
Yeah, I would love to. I'd love to. So, our kids are around the same age area and I've got a four year old. He's turning four this week and my little guy just turned two, so they're about 21 months apart. Two boys. So boy, mom is a thing. The boy mom's out there now. Yeah. So first, they are a very particular and special breed of wild animal, and I love it that way.
00:02:56:02 - 00:03:18:21
Unknown
But as I was mentioning a minute ago, they've really been my introduction to emotional regulation and understanding my own nervous system and even working as a therapist. You know, for, for years before I had my first son, I understood all of this on paper, I think, you know, and I, I had worked with families.
00:03:18:21 - 00:03:38:04
Unknown
And I think that's when, you know, poly vagal theory was becoming a big thing. And it was very is very much in those eight guys straight. And so I understood a lot of this on paper. And then when I had really my youngest son is when I started to understand, like, something is wrong, I'm not doing okay.
00:03:38:04 - 00:04:04:10
Unknown
I feel really off. I'm really anxious. All the time, even when there's not sort of stressful, stimuli in, in my face. Right. It's really hard to relax. Right? It's. I would be having a conversation with my husband, and I would notice how calm he was. And he, you know, was talking about something that he was interested in or something that like a book that he was reading.
00:04:04:12 - 00:04:38:08
Unknown
And I would just kind of tune in and be like, I feel like I'm about to die. I feel it feels so intense what is going on here? And so that's when I really started to connect with what I had been learning, sort of on paper and in academic way, and working with my clients around with what I was actually experiencing as a mom and understanding how it was affecting not just my relationship with my kids, but, my relationship with my husband, really, all of my relationships, but in particular our household and the flow of our household.
00:04:38:11 - 00:05:03:23
Unknown
So it was a huge invitation to me to get really curious right about like, how did I get here? What's what's causing this? What are some triggers for this? And then what can I do to sort of respond to what is happening to be a little bit more present and be able to enjoy conversations about art with my husband, like I always have before, right?
00:05:03:23 - 00:05:26:10
Unknown
Like, how can I get back to that version of myself that I was? And it's been a journey. It really has. Yeah. So do you think that just the the state of motherhood and, you know, when you had your second child that that heightened emotions, so then you became more attuned to like, you know, I need to take some sort of proactive, you know, stance on this for myself.
00:05:26:13 - 00:05:49:04
Unknown
Yeah, absolutely. I think I think with just one child, you know, it was hard and it was a transition and becoming a mom for the first time. There was a lot of recognition around me. And so there was a lot of normalization for what I was going through. Like, you're becoming a mom for the first time, I would have conversations with my husband.
00:05:49:04 - 00:06:15:18
Unknown
He's becoming a doctor the first time. So there was a lot of normalization and validation of my experience. And that was, you know, for the first almost two years of motherhood for me. And then I think a big piece that I noticed is when I, when I had Jonah, my little guy, there was less of that. It was like we it was humdrum.
00:06:15:18 - 00:06:47:03
Unknown
You've done this. Yeah, you've done this before, right? You're a pro now. You've been doing this for 21 months, right? Right. And you're a pro now. So I feel like I, I lost that level of sort of mental and emotional support that I was getting from the people around me, and that was a big catalyst, I think, for me, really not knowing how to take care of myself in the way that I had always taken care of myself, I wasn't able to do to do that in the ways that I had before.
00:06:47:03 - 00:07:18:00
Unknown
And, you know, time got left. But I don't know if I like the way they said that, but that's genuinely what it felt like. Time. God, last time is like that. Yeah. And so with that sort of unconscious retreat of support and literally not having as much time alone and as much. Yeah. And just last time to, you know, take care of the things that I had always taken care of.
00:07:18:02 - 00:07:42:29
Unknown
I wasn't taking care of myself in the same way that I always had been. So I think those were kind of two of the, the biggest factors for me. And it took a lot of, like I said, connecting of dots, understanding like, you know, this is not a stimulus related thing. There's not anything stressful that's happening in the moment.
00:07:43:01 - 00:08:05:06
Unknown
And I think a big sort of awareness piece for me is those conversations in the evening with my husband when all I wanted to do was go and be alone and want everything to stop. And he was looking to connect, you know, oh my goodness, I so you can relate to this. Yeah. And oh my god. Yeah.
00:08:05:06 - 00:08:35:19
Unknown
Been a serious journey right. To understand that I feel like the starting point for me was I don't want this. This is not okay. I need something different and not not judging. That was a huge part of, you know, allowing myself to be curious and like what is going on here because it was hard, you know, this this man that I love, standing in front of me, trying to connect with me in the way that we have always connected, that is felt so sacred in the past.
00:08:35:22 - 00:09:06:22
Unknown
And I'm like, please stop. Please stop talking. Right? Yeah. So, first and foremost, I had to navigate and I think, you know, this is likely the case for a lot of moms. I had to navigate a lot of emotion and a lot of guilt and even shame and, like, what is going on here and letting it be okay that this is where I was getting to a place where I could verbalize to him, you know, I'm not sure what's going on right now.
00:09:06:24 - 00:09:28:27
Unknown
I see what's happening. I love that you're trying to connect with me and I feel like I need quiet. I feel like I need, silence. And luckily, oh, he's fantastic. He's the. He's so supportive. I don't know, it's like he was born with this. But it seems like he took a class on, like, how to be the most supportive human that you can possibly be.
00:09:28:27 - 00:09:45:15
Unknown
And then he's just. He shows up so beautifully in these moments, and I'm like, I don't know what the heck is going on, and I need support. And I remember him saying, is it okay if I sit here with you? Or do you want to be alone? And I was like, actually it is okay if you sit here with me.
00:09:45:15 - 00:10:05:02
Unknown
I would really like to for you to be here with me. But I like to be quiet. Yeah. And so that was kind of the first steps of this journey. And, you know, allowing myself to be where I was, verbalizing it to him, not fully understanding what was going on, not fully understanding how to quote unquote fix it.
00:10:05:08 - 00:10:46:04
Unknown
Right, right, what to do about it. And luckily, having that support and over time, I think that became, more understanding for me of like, this is what I need. This is the form that I need it in. And as I pulled in more tools and more resources, right to regulate my nervous system on a more regular basis, and as I'm coming back into a state of regulation more often, where I'm not having to sort of be in manual mode and override my dysregulated nervous system, I now see those conversations with him.
00:10:46:04 - 00:11:09:05
Unknown
And those moments for connection is like, hey, this is medicine for you too, right? And this was this was really rich. You know, you weren't you weren't having like, the conversations you had before the kids. But this is actually like a deeper level. Yeah. Connection. Exactly. And I mean, I commend you for first of all, recognizing it because I think that's a turning point for, for you.
00:11:09:05 - 00:11:37:06
Unknown
And then you know, how you parent, but then also for your relationship being able to say it out loud, I think one thing I have an issue with or I'll say not an issue, it is something I need to work on, is like being able to articulate that because I do feel the shame, I feel embarrassed, I feel that, you know, like, yeah, I've just put the kids to bed and that's like a huge thing and I want to be part of that.
00:11:37:06 - 00:11:59:04
Unknown
And that's like such an important part of their life. But yeah, after I do that, I want, I want to like at least half an hour of, you know, dysregulation, just like focus on me. Because quite honestly, it's been the train of not just going to bed, but it's like taking them up from preschool and then dinner and then, you know, intense playtime and focus and then that.
00:11:59:04 - 00:12:25:01
Unknown
And that's all great. And before that, it's like I finish work and it's like that whole train and then you're like, okay, I need I need time to balance the recalibrate. I love that you're speaking to the the difference. At least this is my experience of it. Like it felt very different to be dysregulated in the presence of my children than it did to be dysregulated in the presence of my husband.
00:12:25:03 - 00:12:49:09
Unknown
And while there was discomfort and guilt and like I said, sometimes even shame present with my husband. The shame of being dysregulated with my little, little kids. Right? Like when I was bringing awareness to this Jonah, my youngest was maybe 6 or 7 months old, right? So holding a baby in your arms and feeling like I need you to go to bed, I need you to go to bed.
00:12:49:09 - 00:13:15:11
Unknown
I need this to stop. I need to go and be alone right here. The shame in those moments is thick and heavy. And I remember drowning and like, this is not okay. This is not okay for me to be showing up this way. Right? And blaming myself for like, it's not his fault. He's just doing exactly what he's supposed to be doing.
00:13:15:11 - 00:13:36:19
Unknown
He's not doing anything wrong. And so then what must be wrong? Yeah. And also it's not it's not my fault that I feel, you know, it's like two things can be true once you can both intensely love your child more than anything, you want to be there for them. But at the same time, I think, you know, I need I need time for myself.
00:13:36:19 - 00:14:02:10
Unknown
And then the you know, the thing is, how how do I balance that? And how am I okay with that? Yeah, absolutely. But yes, I, I love that you are that you're speaking to this. And this is what I really hope that moms are getting is both of these things are true, right. Like, yes. It is not great to and I'm going to say act on those moments of dysregulation with our kids.
00:14:02:10 - 00:14:33:14
Unknown
And also it's okay to feel like I can't I can't be doing this right now. I need alone time, I need quiet, I need peace, and I am maxed out. So there was so much, I think, wisdom for me when I was willing and ready and able to listen to what was happening. Right? Because in the beginning I didn't necessarily have that clarity of like, I need to be alone.
00:14:33:17 - 00:14:55:11
Unknown
It was just my body screaming, right? And when we talk about when you talk about the nervous system, we're talking about like, fight, right? Fight is I am going to punch you in the face, right? Or raising our voice, yelling, getting irritated, right. So that fight and then there's fli, which is like, I need to get the hell out of dodge.
00:14:55:12 - 00:15:16:11
Unknown
I need to go and be someplace else right now. I cannot be here. And then, of course, freeze. Is that sort of like shut down? I'm not present. I think of this as, like, robot mode. And so I think early on, all that I was aware of is like, oh, I am, I'm in flight. I'm in flight right now.
00:15:16:11 - 00:15:35:25
Unknown
I have to get out of here. But that was the level of understanding that I had at that point. And it took some like you, like you're verbalizing it and it took a lot of self-compassion and curiosity for me to get to a point where I was like, oh, I just want to be alone. I'm not having enough time to myself.
00:15:35:28 - 00:16:09:16
Unknown
Oh, I'm not having enough moments of quiet. I used to have a lot of quiet in my life, and I liked that. Oh, that's a big part of my personality, right? But in the beginning, I did not necessarily have access to that wisdom. And it really took me sort of listening. You know, I can remember I can remember sort of in moments of desperation, passing off my son to my husband and just going into my bedroom and just sitting in the dark, in the quiet and being like, what's going on?
00:16:09:19 - 00:16:37:28
Unknown
What is this? What do I need? What do I do with this? And that's when that clarity would come of like, I need to be alone, I need quiet, you know? And now that I, having more of a practice of tending to myself in tending to my nervous system, more wisdom comes like I need to be near water and I need to be in connection with other moms.
00:16:38:00 - 00:17:03:13
Unknown
And, like, I feel like I'm, you know, picking up the breadcrumbs of self-care and the the ways that I uniquely need to take care of myself to feel like my cup is full and I can, you know, come back to my kids calm and peaceful and regulate it. And with that sort of loving and gentle presence that I would always like to have with them right?
00:17:03:16 - 00:17:31:07
Unknown
Yeah. No, I, I completely agree with that. And I think, as you said, the first first step is the recognition. And then having, having the self-compassion and saying, what do I need for me so I can show up in the best way I can for my kids and also the acknowledgment, you know, we're we're not going to be the perfect, like, you know, loving moms on the inside all the time.
00:17:31:07 - 00:17:54:16
Unknown
But how how in those spaces of, you know, being human, do we still show up in loving, caring ways for for them, whether it's, you know, tools like breathwork or, you know, knowing that, okay, I'm with my kids now, but I reserve time to like, you know, watch the Netflix show later or, you know, that sort of thing.
00:17:54:16 - 00:18:15:07
Unknown
So you can you can make space. Because I think part of it is, you know, when you do have that reaction, that's like, okay, I need to be somewhere else right now. That's, you know, your your mind's sort of saying that this is what I'm used to. This is the way it was before. And now now there's conflict.
00:18:15:10 - 00:18:43:09
Unknown
And so you have to, you know, balance that and sort of, adjust and regulate into this new reality that you're living in. Yes, absolutely. I love that you're speaking to this. And it's making me remember moments that I could not pass off my son to my husband or anybody else, moments that I was alone with them. And there were meltdowns happening.
00:18:43:11 - 00:19:12:22
Unknown
And one tool that has really served me so well, and I share this with the parents that I work with, is during those meltdown is when it's super triggering to you and it's disrupting just regulating your nervous system because they're so dysregulated. I have a practice of turning in toward myself and sort of away from my son in that moment, and what that looks like on the outside is not what it sounds like.
00:19:12:22 - 00:19:42:15
Unknown
Right? So I'm I'm holding him if he'll allow me to hold him, if he won't allow me to hold him, I'm sitting next to him and I'm not leaving. But that sort of turn inward is me just coming to my own breath, right? And finding where where it feels dysregulated in my system. And so just talking about it now, I can feel it, like in my arms, all the way down the outsides of my arms is where I feel that sort of like electricity.
00:19:42:15 - 00:20:14:21
Unknown
Right? Here's sort of a churning in my stomach. And so while he is losing his mind, you know, I am comforting him on the outside to whatever degree I can. And I am turning inward and just breathing and telling myself, we're safe. We're okay. He is safe. He's okay. This is okay. Right? Him losing it is okay. His emotion is okay.
00:20:14:23 - 00:20:38:03
Unknown
My response to it is okay. It's okay that this is hard. Like literally all of this is okay. And I'm just kind of coaching myself and I'm giving myself that pep talk and really love and nurturing that I am in the moment. And I think, you know, when I share this with parents that I work with, they're like, is that okay?
00:20:38:03 - 00:20:59:02
Unknown
Like, I feel like I need to turn toward him. He needs me. And what I really, you know, want to share is that your child is benefiting from what you are doing for yourself in that moment, right? That's right. And what we know is that children under the age of seven do not regulate their own nervous systems. They do not have that ability yet.
00:20:59:02 - 00:21:27:23
Unknown
Right. And so if you are putting your energy as a parent into turning toward your child and helping them regulate while your system is dysregulated, you are it is a waste of your time and energy and your very precious time and energy. Right? And so this is really the best way that you can support your child in regulating in those moments is turning toward yourself and just creating some safety for them by being present physically.
00:21:27:26 - 00:21:51:03
Unknown
Right. And this could be, again, holding them if they'll allow that sometimes. So my my son, my oldest, went through sort of a phase of tantrums that looked like, pick me up, hold me, get the heck away from me. And then he would push me away with his arms and legs. And so I remember having a practice of I'm staying with myself.
00:21:51:03 - 00:22:08:10
Unknown
I'm breathing. I'm kind of coaching myself. You're okay. You're safe. He's okay. This is okay. But on the outside, I would be saying, do you want me to hold you? I can do and I would pick him up and then he would, you know, push me away. And I would say, it seems like you want me to put you down.
00:22:08:10 - 00:22:32:13
Unknown
I'm going to put you down. And then he would say, no, no, hold me. And so I would just go with him back and forth, back and forth. That's beautiful thing to setting him down and all of this with my attention on myself. Right. And his. I'll sometimes give the example of like, if you've ever been on a phone call with a girlfriend or maybe with a parent and you're like, we've had this conversation.
00:22:32:13 - 00:23:06:19
Unknown
So many times, I can't even listen to it anymore. So you're just Yeah. Yeah. It's a little bit like that. It's. Yeah. But with more attention on yourself. So I'm verbalizing my support to him, I'm physically there and present with him responding to, you know, whatever is happening in the moment while really nurturing myself and focusing on keeping my breath long and slow and calm, relaxing all of the muscles in my body up to the highest degree that I can in that moment.
00:23:06:19 - 00:23:37:29
Unknown
Right. And moving around if I feel like I need to. Right. So if it feels hard for me in that moment to stay still, I'll walk with him or I'll invite him to walk with me if that's possible. Yeah, absolutely. As you said, I completely concur. A big, you know, revelation for me, and I'm so glad that I learned it, is that, yes, you're that your child cannot emotionally regulate on their own, which says, number one, that what they're feeling and what they're doing is completely normal.
00:23:37:29 - 00:24:08:17
Unknown
And as you said it, it's okay. And as you said that, you know, mantra in a very calming way, I got, you know, chills because I think that that really is so important for us. And as you said, we calm down our energy level and then it helps then, you know, return to a state of being okay. But at the same time, so critical to be there with them and say, you know, it's because they they to some extent, you know, feel they're just feeling.
00:24:08:17 - 00:24:29:20
Unknown
But then they're also, you know, working for that belonging and support. So being there and saying, you know, you want me to hold you are, you know, are you okay? How can I support that sort of thing to the extent you can when they're just, you know, going crazy over like not finding their track or, you know, something like that.
00:24:29:26 - 00:24:57:01
Unknown
Yeah. So yeah, I totally, totally hear you, on that. And I think those are, those are key tools for us to keep in mind the, the mantras for breathing. And I think it's it's also looking at, like for me, I separated into my ego. Analytical mind is like, I should be able to talk to them and calm them down and like, this is how I expected to go.
00:24:57:01 - 00:25:32:02
Unknown
And then then there's, you know, what we learned with lesson just, you know, exploration of the mind or the mind and the spirit and things like that is that you really have to tune into your body, focus on emotions. And that's the best way to help your child. Absolutely. Yes. And what I have found is that this is where the magic happens in these moments, like what I have experienced as sort of the calm after the storm.
00:25:32:04 - 00:25:57:11
Unknown
They were the calm that is present after I have really turned toward myself and taking care of my own nervous system, and he has attuned to that. It's almost like he understands what has happened, and it's like I can feel his gratitude right? For like, oh my God, that was intense. Thank you so much for getting me through that.
00:25:57:11 - 00:26:24:00
Unknown
Like the the love and the connection that I feel with him in those moments after we have just weathered something together is so different than the energy of like waiting for a tantrum to be over and telling him you're okay, this isn't a big deal. We are going to find that blue car later. But we have to go right now.
00:26:24:00 - 00:26:54:13
Unknown
You know, like trying to fix it on sort of, an external and superficial level even once it passes. And even once he calmed down, I can feel the energy of everything that just happened. And it's like we carry it with us. It's like we continue to walk around with that anxious, dysregulated energy. So once he stops crying and, you know, once we're having a totally different conversation asking him what he wants for lunch, we still are nervous systems are still in that very dysregulated place.
00:26:54:16 - 00:27:31:10
Unknown
Right? Right. And so it makes it much more challenging or I should say much easier to find ourselves back in that state again very soon after recovering, because we we never really recovered. So I just want to highlight that, like that's where the magic is is I've experienced these moments of intense love and connection with my boys after these huge tantrums or like arguments over bath time or whatever it is.
00:27:31:12 - 00:27:55:09
Unknown
Then after that passes and our nervous systems are truly regulated, we are playing in a way that feels like I'm a little kid again. We are laughing in a way that feels like we are absolute soulmates, right? Like the level of love and connection that is there I genuinely did not even understand was possible right until this last year and a half or so.
00:27:55:09 - 00:28:21:16
Unknown
Like I did not understand that that was possible and it is absolute magic. I, I agree, I, I completely think that that that is magic. I that makes me think of when I incident last summer where I brought my kids to the pool. I was one one mom to two young kids to the four. It is like a crazy thing.
00:28:21:16 - 00:28:46:25
Unknown
And of course we we left and my son did not want to leave and just had a complete meltdown. Neighborhood pool. Everybody's like, of course, everybody's like, oh, we've been there. But also, you know, screaming child, just like interrupting the serene nature of the pool. And, you know, we went through it. I was there with him and, you know, sort of, you know, said, what can I do?
00:28:46:25 - 00:29:08:24
Unknown
Let's hold, you know, let's hold you. Do you want a snack? That sort of thing. We went through the process and later that night we were reading and, you know, at the end of the book, I always say, I love you to infinity and beyond, or you know, something like that. And, and my son goes today at the pool, I cried, I'm sorry.
00:29:08:24 - 00:29:33:00
Unknown
And I was like, oh my God. And I was like, it's fine, sweetie. I, you know, absolutely love you. And I understand you didn't want to leave and that's completely normal and but was like that moment was so touching. And, you know, the connection we had. So, you know, they do they do remember and they have, you know, some sense of there's emotional dysregulation.
00:29:33:00 - 00:29:55:16
Unknown
They're processing their emotions. But at the same time you know, they still want to be held, they still want to be loved. And that's so, so important. And I think one, one thing that we can learn from the kids, because they, they almost have to it's in their biology to process that emotion right then. And as you said, if you don't resolve it yourself, then it's lingering for you.
00:29:55:16 - 00:30:17:28
Unknown
It's lingering for them. And, you know, as adults, we, you know, we should be processing our emotions on a regular basis. And if we don't, it's stuck with us. So that's something, you know, wonderful that we can learn from our kids that, you know, obviously we can't necessarily have the tantrums. Who said they can have? Although, you know, maybe in a quiet house, you know, in the middle of the day, yes.
00:30:17:28 - 00:30:42:26
Unknown
They want to scream when you know something doesn't go my way, but totally, you know, process that emotion. And like our kids having tantrums is a almost daily reminder that that we we need to process our emotions too. Yes, I love this and I love what a beautiful story with you and your son and him, you know, circling back to it and verbally circling back to it later that night.
00:30:42:28 - 00:31:06:27
Unknown
I love that. And this is exactly what I'm talking about. Like there's magical moments where you get to not not repair necessarily, but speak to what happens. Right. And let him know like, that was okay. You did not do anything wrong. That was totally fine. We we navigated that as best we could. And I'm never mad when you're upset.
00:31:06:27 - 00:31:24:16
Unknown
You're always allowed to be mad. You're always allowed to be sad. And you know. Sure are. We are depending on the age of your kid. Like we're working on finding ways to regulate. Right. So with my with my sons, it's like we can be mad, but we can't hurt. We can be mad, but we can't kick, right? We can't.
00:31:24:16 - 00:31:49:20
Unknown
We can kick the couch, right? We can kick the floor. We cannot thank our brother. Right. So kind of finding those tools and talking about our kids being teachers, I in my house now, I mean, a fly on the wall would think I sound like, you know, pre-K teacher because I speak to them in the way that I have taught them to speak to me because it's helpful for me, you know?
00:31:49:20 - 00:32:08:00
Unknown
So I'll say, Ramon, I've asked you a couple of times to come to the table now, and I'm noticing that my temperature is rising. I'm feeling a little frustrated because I want I want to be listened to, and I really don't like it when I'm not listened to. And I'm noticing that that is feeling really frustrating to me.
00:32:08:03 - 00:32:34:23
Unknown
And he takes note and he listens right in a way that he would not have if I was like, come to the table. I've said it four times already, right? So just verbalizing where I'm at, right? My temperature is rising. I'm feeling kind of frustrated rather than getting to the point where I was irritated, I was frustrated and annoyed, and now I'm ready to blow up, right?
00:32:34:23 - 00:33:04:17
Unknown
I'm sort of helping myself keep tabs on where I am while also communicating to him where I am because it and it involves him. He deserves to understand, right? Because he can sense the energy in the room and he can sense that I'm getting frustrated. He deserves to understand what's happening for me. But then it also helps me by verbalizing in the moment, sort of tend to myself and be like, okay, what do I need to do, right?
00:33:04:19 - 00:33:24:22
Unknown
So that I am not getting to the point where I am raising my voice or, you know, sounding super irritated or whatever it is. So these things that we are teaching them to do are super helpful for us too. And I love I feel like you opened with saying, I wish we would have learned this in our 20s.
00:33:24:25 - 00:33:49:27
Unknown
Yes. And how cool is it that our kids are learning it as kids? How cool is that to walk through life with these skills, right? And they're going to go into adulthood having mastered their emotions and understanding their nervous system and how to tend to themselves when they are getting dysregulated. How cool is that? Yeah. It's amazing. It's a gift.
00:33:49:27 - 00:34:11:26
Unknown
It is a gift for them, and I feel like it's one of the best guess we can give them. I love what you said in terms of, you know, conveying your emotions to your kids and in a way that they can understand it. I'm, I'm starting to do that but I haven't, I'm not there I guess a daily basis level.
00:34:11:26 - 00:34:37:29
Unknown
And I also want them to be able to articulate their emotions before it gets to X stage. Do you have any advice or suggestions for how they do that for our kids? Yeah, absolutely. I think and it's it's going to be sort of age appropriate. Right. So I think I probably started this with Ramon when he was maybe just turned three.
00:34:38:02 - 00:35:01:08
Unknown
And so depending on, you know, how verbal your kiddo is and how sort of able they are to communicate, a place that I started was noticing for him, noticing for him. Like, it seems like you are feeling X right? So there was an education piece that was happening there. Where did he understand emotions? Right? Did he understand the words for emotion?
00:35:01:08 - 00:35:28:10
Unknown
So you want to first support your kid in you can do this while you're watching TV together like Dora seems confused, right? Or, you know, Bob from Bob the builder seems frustrated, right? How can I tell that he's frustrated? Oh, look at his eyebrows. Right. So kind of helping them to notice in others, right? What it looks like.
00:35:28:13 - 00:35:49:29
Unknown
And then they can start to notice in themselves when they're feeling it. So this could look like just pointing out it seems like you're frustrated, right. Or disappointment. I love highlighting disappointment with my kids, right. So that could just sound like you can't find your firetruck anywhere, and I can tell that you're disappointed. It seems like you're really disappointed about that.
00:35:49:29 - 00:36:16:11
Unknown
So giving them the language right where then they can be like, oh, that's what this is. That's what we call this thing that I'm feeling. And kids are so already so tuned into their bodies, right, that you don't need to help them notice their bodies necessarily, especially at a young age, like three 4 or 5 six. They are if they're if you have an older child, they may have sort of started to come out of their bodies a little bit more.
00:36:16:11 - 00:36:39:23
Unknown
So you can coax them to notice, like what does what does anger feel like in your body? For me, it feels like my face is getting hot. Sometimes I notice that I'm clenching my shoulders and my arms right. There's, churning in my stomach so you can sort of cue an older child to notice the the body experience associated with emotion, but with little cares.
00:36:39:23 - 00:37:04:21
Unknown
It's just giving them a word right? So that they know what to call that thing. And what's really what's been really cool to see is that Roman will start to correct me if I will assume that he is feeling a certain way, he'll correct me and say, I'm confused and I'm like, oh, you're confused. So you're not sure what it is that you're feeling.
00:37:04:24 - 00:37:26:06
Unknown
And he is starting to understand. I mean, at the age of three, he's almost four. But I didn't understand at the age of 26 that I could be feeling more than one emotion. Oh, what's right is there for a child to get like I am both mad and sad and confused all at the same time? I mean, so cool.
00:37:26:06 - 00:37:58:27
Unknown
Yeah. So amazing. So so just me verbalizing my own experience, right, has really helped him in getting curious about what am I feeling and then helping him put language to put words to. And I think we probably started with sad, mad, confused, excited, right? We probably started with some really basic ones. And then and again, it's not even been a full year, year and a half, right?
00:37:58:27 - 00:38:24:04
Unknown
That he is has been practicing this. So his he you know they get it quickly. They really do. And so he's gotten to use more sort of nuanced language in a very short time. So I think that that's a beautiful starting point with a younger kiddo is just observing. Right. Observing others and then mirroring to them what you think it is that they're feeling to give them that language.
00:38:24:04 - 00:38:42:09
Unknown
Right. I was going to say I love the discussion during, you know, time with Dora or or whatever. We haven't watched Bob the builder yet. I need to do that because I think my my kids with the affinity for construction. But but yeah, taking those moments and saying, like, how do you think they're feeling? Why do you think that is the case?
00:38:42:11 - 00:39:05:10
Unknown
I started with, introducing, Lucas, my older one, to books, the series Grumpy Monkey. I don't know if you've heard that one, but basically, like, hum, it's so good. Yeah, yeah. Initially he just wakes up and he's like, I'm not sure what I'm feeling today. And then, you know, he goes through and he talks to the different animals and they're like, I think you're grumpy.
00:39:05:10 - 00:39:34:11
Unknown
And he's like that grumpy and you know, various iterations of that. But that just introduces the I'm not sure what I'm feeling. Let's talk about what we're feeling. And yeah, it's it's a great series definitely would promote for for all the parents out there. Yes. We I love that so much. We have, a podcast that we listen to at night where, they read books and that's where I just recently discovered Grumpy Monkey.
00:39:34:11 - 00:40:10:20
Unknown
And you're absolutely right is a beautiful illustration of what the heck am I feeling, right? And then having something mirrored back to you and what I love, because I was listening to it and I was like, where is the author going to go with this? Like, what is the takeaway going to be here? And what's so beautiful is that Grumpy monkey gets to the end and it's okay for him to be grumpy, and he has a friend sit with him who is also feeling a little grumpy or, you know, sad or something, and they just sit together and feel the way that they're feeling and I'm like, oh yeah, so good, so good.
00:40:10:20 - 00:40:36:29
Unknown
So I, I love that that we can do this with television. We can do it with books. What a powerful way to provide some education and understanding. Right. And do it together. Yeah. Right. Right I love that. Yeah. Books I feel like well and certainly TV for for learning different things. I'm going to take your tip on, regulation for, for cheating, and opening up discussion.
00:40:36:29 - 00:41:03:24
Unknown
But books for me has been like the most magical portal for, you know, talking to my kids and getting them to have conversations and things like that. Yes, absolutely. One of my favorites is, oh, what is it called? The the. I don't know if I can remember the name of it. It's about, hugs in a hug factory in inside of the heart.
00:41:03:27 - 00:41:26:19
Unknown
And that's where all of these hugs are made. And what my older son really gravitated to was there's a what's called the web of sticky thoughts. That's just outside the heart. And when the hug is leaving the heart and traveling to the heart that it's meant for its destination, it has to be careful not to get caught in the web of sticky thoughts.
00:41:26:19 - 00:41:50:26
Unknown
In the web of sticky thoughts are like, I'm not good enough. I'm all alone, right? All of these things that we as adults are also navigating, right? All of these sticky thoughts. And what's so beautiful is that the all of the hugs know and are taught that if you get caught and the web of sticky thoughts, you stop struggling, right?
00:41:50:26 - 00:42:10:25
Unknown
Stop struggling, stop trying to get out of it, stop pushing against it. And you are still and you breathe. And it's something like you breathe and love or you breathe and light something like this. You just take a deep breath and you think about the heart that you are meant for. So essentially teaching kids to think about love.
00:42:10:25 - 00:42:37:13
Unknown
So you think about a special moment with mom or dad, or maybe a special moment at that beach vacation that you took, right? So beautiful way to teach these kids how to regulate, right? When they're getting caught in the mind. Because I feel like as kids get older and older, it's not necessarily the situation that will get them tripped up.
00:42:37:13 - 00:43:06:00
Unknown
It's their thoughts about the situation. Right. And so I love that illustration of the web of sticky thought because you get to notice how is my mind tripping me? How is my mind contributing to my dysregulation in this moment? And then it's a reminder to just stop, don't struggle, don't push against that. Breathe and come back to what we know in psychotherapy is like a resource or just essentially just loved is thinking about a nice memory that makes you feel good.
00:43:06:00 - 00:43:31:08
Unknown
And it is one of his favorite books. Oh my gosh, I need to I need to get that for my kids. It sounds it sounds amazing. And it also sounds like literally some, you know, and what we're what we learned, you know, last year. And that was a focus with Alyssa's resource yourself. Come back, learn, learn and think about loving moments.
00:43:31:10 - 00:43:53:16
Unknown
And also know that you know, you have all these thoughts coming in. And you can you can choose your thoughts and you can choose to not get stuck. And you know, this is okay. Well, I think this has been a wonderful conversation about regulation, emotional regulation for us and for our kids. And I, I really appreciate your time.
00:43:53:16 - 00:44:21:24
Unknown
I think, we we learned that there's, you know, magical moments in really tough moments and that we can we can learn how to be better people and better parents through, you know, going through these moments and open it up as an opportunity for for learning, and for more love to come in, even though it doesn't necessarily seem like it at the time of, you know, emotional dysregulation for either of us or our kids.
00:44:22:00 - 00:44:44:13
Unknown
So thank you for bringing this beautiful discussion to, to the podcast today. Thank you so much, Erin. It's been such a gift to be with you and a topic that I absolutely love discussing. And I'm so grateful that you are bringing this out to the world and to parents that really need to hear it. Yeah, absolutely. Well, thank you.
00:44:44:13 - 00:45:03:19
Unknown
And let's, let's like, have a million more discussions about different topics because I feel like I could talk to you for, for five hours about all these things and then, you know, next week, you know, five, five other topics will come up. So I love it. I'm here for it. Yes. Yeah. All right. Great. Well, thank you so much, Nicole.
00:45:03:19 - 00:45:10:01
Unknown
And, for the audience, may you find something magical in your day today?