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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast,
Speaker 2:a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm just having some big feelings because we gotta see the therapist and and she's my buddy, and football is gonna start pretty soon. But she said I cannot just talk only about football for avoiding talking about other things or let people take a turn. We talk about friends and some friends not wanna be your friend anymore and some friends being new friends, but then you have to go home and you don't you don't live there. You just had to drive home for Kansas City. And what if we miss our new friends or what they forget about us or I know that we cannot come back for some weeks because we do not have gas money for coming back for therapy, But I cannot tell her that because she will say, we will just wait and see.
Speaker 1:But it's really hard waiting. And I just I just fill up with so much good. And and then we gotta talk about hard things or I fill up with so much good and then we had to leave. And that feels that feels like foster care when you almost think they are your family and then you have to move a new foster care. So it feels like a trigger, but also I just have some big feelings.
Speaker 1:And now now with some of them, they wanna talk to her, but I know they're gonna say hard things, and I wanna tell her hard things. I just I just wanna talk about football and making friends and playing outside. My my friend my new friend well, my new friend is from March. So my new friend from March is not really a new friend since March is, like, my whole life. And so but she made me nachos last night for dinner, and they were the best nachos of my whole entire life.
Speaker 1:And I really wish I had some right now. I would not be hungry if I had some nachos, And it just made me cry, and I didn't wanna cry, and I didn't mean to cry, and I feel silly for crying. But I just gonna miss everybody, and I had to go by myself. And all of us, we worked so hard to come here, and now we had to work so hard to leave here. And I just cannot do it for being sad and miss my friends.
Speaker 1:I don't even get nachos at home. I just really like nachos, and they were really good nachos. And they got a dog, At my friend's house, they have a dog. I don't have any dogs in my house, not even one. I'm just gonna go get a dog.
Speaker 1:Gonna find a dog because I don't even have one. I just miss all my friends now. I just made new friends, and we almost gotta see them every day for a few days and now we gotta go home and we live a long way away and that just made me crying because I miss my friends and their dogs. Don't even have a dog. And now everybody's just talking, and and I don't know how can I don't know how to get everybody settled down?
Speaker 1:You know how you go to therapy and the lady there at the desk, I'm not saying her name for respectful, but you know she's so nice and she just busy with you and tell you funny stories until it's your turn to go back there. And so I I can be like her, like, if all them if all them big girls are, like, out front at the waiting room right in. So and so they are all out there, and they can be who's in the front and who isn't anything. And I'm be the one that says, okay. It's your turn to come back there.
Speaker 1:And so and so except now everyone just try to get back there all at the same time and everyone just wants to talk and I'm afraid someone's gonna say some bad things. I don't mean bad things now. These are the therapists that we will not be in trouble for talking about things. But they can talk about memory type things, and they can talk about hard things, and I don't even want them to because because it's just hard, and I just wanna talk about football and eat and eat some nachos, and and we could paint something for feeling happy, and and they can they can get me a dog. I don't even wanna cry, and they're gonna make me cry because I know they're thinking of bad things.
Speaker 1:And those things are those things are memory time. They're not even now time. And we talked about we talked about how now the parents are dead, and so she talked to she talked to that one for the mother. I cannot say her name. They talked to to her about how well, because the mother is dead, that means a lot of things.
Speaker 1:It means, like, you can eat every day. Like, you can go to your friend's house and have nachos and play with their dog. And there's no more chicken wires, and there's no more locking up. And and you can eat when you're hungry because a mother is the mother's not gonna get you in trouble because she's dead, and she's she's not coming back. Except if I feel good and I feel safe because I'm with my friends, but then I have to leave all my friends.
Speaker 1:What if I'm not safe anymore when I get home as I'm just all by myself and I can't remember now time or memory time? What if I'm not good enough for doing it by myself? I just I just don't I just don't even have a dog. And I really like my new friends. I like my new friends a lot, and so now I'm just sad because I miss my friends.
Speaker 1:And I don't know if I ever get to see them again. And it doesn't make me cry a little bit. But we were late because we can't find a nobody because we packed in the wrong place until we lose our time. I talked to her some of it and she she loves to talk to her, but I can't tell her I'm sad of it because because I just I just miss everybody already, but I I can't be rude of it because it was so nice to them take so good care of me. And they take so good care of all of us, and it does not matter who's doing what.
Speaker 1:They're just nice to us, and and then they make now time is safe. And they make me nachos. I really like nachos. And we try for a lot of days. We try really hard for doing some hard things for see where a father is buried and see where a mother is dead.
Speaker 1:And we go to these places and we see our old house, and all is good. So I don't know why I'm crying because it's good that we are safe now, but also at the same time it made me feel so sad and I didn't mean to feel sad and now I just have big feelings of sadness and I don't even have a dog. And if those parents are dead, then they're not ever gonna learn how to be good parents. They just are gonna be dead bad parents. Oh, didn't even give me a dog.
Speaker 1:What if you're just waiting and you're trying to be really good and you wait for your parents to be be nice to you or learn how to love you or if you can be good enough. And then they're just dead, and they don't ever learn how to do it. So then it's just bad parents who were not parents, and then they're dead and no parents, and you're just alone because you have to leave, and all your friends have to stay, and you don't get a dog, and you don't get nachos, and your parents are dead. That's just not even fun. And football doesn't even start this week.
Speaker 1:I thought it'd start this week, but we don't even play till next week. So I'm just not having a very good day even though I really like to have good days. I don't even have a dog or any nachos. I just wanted some nachos. They were really good nachos.
Speaker 1:Those were the those those were the best nachos I ever had my whole life. If you have a friend who makes you nachos, that's a really good friend. And I miss my friend. I got to see my friends some days in a row, and now I do not get to see my friends at all, and it just give me big feelings. And my big feelings are just making me cry a bit.
Speaker 1:And now everybody's talking and everybody's working together. So I have my big feelings and I feel her big feelings and I feel her big feelings and that's just a whole lot of big feelings. And now we have a dog. I want a dog for telling about my big feelings. All I got are kids.
Speaker 1:I got outside kids, and they're just gonna eat my nachos. They're not even nice as a dog. A dog at least is your friend. And sometimes when everybody's side is just talking and we're working together and I'm trying to tell everybody what's going on, and then I just know about some things, and that's why I gotta watch who's going where and what are we doing and what do they know about it, and what are we gonna tell the therapist or not. And I wanna tell her things, but even if I know now time is hard, it's it's still really it's still really hard to tell her things.
Speaker 1:And and I don't want I don't I I don't wanna complain of nothing as I really wanna keep my therapist. I really I really need to keep her. I bet she likes nachos. I I don't I don't want my friend to forget about me, and I don't I don't wanna forget how to have friends or anymore friends just leaving me. And I don't I don't I don't I I don't even have a dog.
Speaker 1:I cannot go to the park because because the park at home, there's there's storming, and the park here is hot, and we gotta drive home. And I can't even stop and get nachos. I don't there's I don't even have a dog in my car, but my friend has a dog. I really like her dog. Her dog is her dog is really nice.
Speaker 1:He's a big dog, a real dog, not one of them little fake dogs, little puny things. And we gotta be out on the farms, and I like being on the farms, and I like being out at the land. But now we just gotta go back where we live because we do not live here. And I don't wanna talk about hard things. I just wanna talk about nachos, and I don't wanna talk about football.
Speaker 1:We talk about eating nachos and watching football. We we can do both things at one time. That's more fun than crying. If I just find a dog. If I find a dog, then I can have a dog and watch football and eat some nachos.
Speaker 1:If you if you are very, very brave and you do a really good job trying to make friends, then it's very hard when you tell them you have to go back home. And it's very hard telling them goodbye. And it's very hard to say, leave everybody. Just like foster care, you always have to leave everybody. And if you leave them, they just send you back, and then you will get hurt again.
Speaker 1:So I don't like leaving for anyone to get hurt, but I know that now time is safe, and I know that they are dead by storm, like, I'm I'm good at making friends, and I'm I'm good at laughing with my friends and watching football with my friends and eating nachos with my friends and if my friends have a dog, but I'm I'm not liking leaving my friends. It's not feel so good. Talking about hard things does not feel so good. I don't if I can't come back to therapy for a week or a lot of weeks, then I don't I don't know how to even get those hard things out there. So I don't I wanna I wanna know about them and just get them all stuck there.
Speaker 1:And now they're in my way, and now we have a dog to help me. And I just have to feel bad till I see them except I cannot because it's too hard. Talking about hard things, that's a hard thing to do talking about hard things, you don't have a dog and can't tell nobody nothing. Some things I'm even trying to tell you. Some things I'm trying to say and tell you, I can't even say the right words as so many people are trying to talk and say things.
Speaker 1:And then I watch it, but I can't I can't fix it, and I can't say. But I know now time is safe, and I know we'll see the therapist because the therapist promise. And I know that we can save buddies, and I know that I will see my friends, but not today. And so just on today, I just miss my friends. And I just think about my friends, and I think about those nachos, and I think about that dog, and I just cry a little bit before I miss him.
Speaker 1:I don't I don't like leaving. I don't leaving. I don't like getting taken away. I don't want to go in foster care. But now time is safe.
Speaker 1:We all gotta go in foster care. That's what the therapist said. We just gotta go home. At home we got kids out of foster care, so we try to help, but they just eat my nachos. I didn't say you can get out of foster care and come eat my nachos.
Speaker 1:I just want to be nice, but I just really like nachos. I just need to go for a walk or or or paint or what can we do for feeling better. I know we gotta do those things, but it's hard to do when you have to drive home and leave all your friends and you don't even you don't even get to stay with your friends. It's a hard day because I miss my friends, and I don't even have a dog. Do I just have big feelings?
Speaker 1:And I just need to see my big feelings that I love my friends a lot. I miss my friends. And I'm gonna go find me a dog.
Speaker 3:Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before. Not like this. Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemsbeat.com. We'll see you there.