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The Big Quest Ion is a deranged audio fever dream where two friends surrender the storytelling reins to AI and go galloping confidently into a fantasy cluster bang of epic proportions. This is a podcast where narrative whiplash is a feature, not a bug. What is AI’s impact on entertainment? Can AI write meaningful stories? Did two friends from different countries really need to start a whole podcast as an excuse just to hang out?
The Big Quest Ion is “Lord of the Rings” if Frodo ate ALL the mushrooms on the way to Mordor and map was AI generated. There’s no plan. No mercy. No going back. Just chaos, comedy, characters, and the relentless pursuit of answers to life’s great quest… ions. “Who are we?” Why are we?” “Did I take bath salts or am I just listening to “The Big Quest Ion?” We donno man, maybe both?
Buckle your britches and tune in for equal parts epic fantasy, parody, and existential experiment, as we embark on a satirical journey to uncover what makes a good story, what even IS art anyway, and everything in between on THE BIG QUEST ION!
Produced by Humans
We need to get out of here.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah? What gave it away? The glowing evil loons or the fact that we're tied to an ancient death table?
Speaker 3:But just imagine, if we survive, this discovery rewrites history.
Speaker 4:Yeah. Let's make sure we don't get rewritten first. Tarut raises his hands. The glyphs flare bright red.
Speaker 5:The
Speaker 4:earth splits beneath them, revealing an impossibly deep black chasm. A low growl rises from the darkness. Something is waking up.
Speaker 3:Hello, and welcome to the Big Quest Ion. My name is Taylor.
Speaker 4:Hello. My name is Alexander.
Speaker 3:And the two of us have started a podcast where we use AI to do a fun Dungeons and Dragons style adventure, but we also generally waffle about and make fun of it and do all the voices at the same time. The whole thing is that we don't really know what adventure we're going on, but we also wanna make the decisions and kind of toss a grenade into whatever the AI gives us. And at this point, we're still kinda getting our feet under us too. This is our first ever episode. We're still debating things like how long each storyline goes and whether the AI creates our characters or if we wanna create our own characters.
Speaker 3:So this time around, we're gonna build our own characters and give it some prompts, and then we're gonna let it kinda go from there.
Speaker 4:I'm looking forward to finding out what's there. I'm I'm I am a professional existential lunatic.
Speaker 3:I was thinking about how I was watching a documentary on Ramses the second this week, and how interesting it would be to kind of, like, take a trip through ancient Egypt and sort of maybe do, like, a mummy's curse type thing.
Speaker 4:I just wanted to elaborate because I couldn't help but think that with all the conspiracy theories and with all the uncertainty about why the pyramids were created in the first place, it would be interesting for AI to give us a unique explanation of what the pyramids actually are, who actually built them, whether they were built by the Egyptians. That's the kind of the twist.
Speaker 3:Yeah. What if it gives us just, like, a historic accuracy? Just like it was built by the Egyptians and like we spend the whole adventure just rolling giant granite slabs. Here's something else that's really fun that happened in my life this week. Eric and Brie, two of our friends in their neighborhood, they've got a little black cat that shows up on their porch, especially when it rains and just sits there and meows at their door.
Speaker 3:And it's super hilarious because Eric is deathly allergic to cats. And so he's a kind hearted soul who is forced into helping this creature of death.
Speaker 4:He's just gotta build up an immunity. It's like when you see in movies when people have developed an immunity to a specific poison by just ingesting a little bit. Yeah. He just needs to eat cat hairs. Like, start with one Yeah.
Speaker 4:And then the next day, take two, and just build up an immunity.
Speaker 3:It's very princess bride.
Speaker 4:It seems obvious to me.
Speaker 3:So I think it would be fun to infuse a little bit of that story into this, especially because ancient Egypt and cats go very hand in hand with one another.
Speaker 4:The quest is initiated by a chance encounter with a small black cat who seems to know something.
Speaker 3:So the cat can talk. Right?
Speaker 4:The cat Or no? The cat may be able to talk.
Speaker 3:Because the thing is it'll it'll, like, give us a lot of fucking description where it's like the cat has a knowing look. Like, think it's easier for the
Speaker 4:cat to talk.
Speaker 3:You know? Cat can talk. Okay. Characters. What do you think?
Speaker 4:I immediately imagine the environment they're gonna be in, but that that should be no reflection on necessarily on what the character should be. Right?
Speaker 3:I guess so. Yeah. Mhmm. It depends on what time we're in. We're gonna be in ancient Egypt, so you wouldn't have like a British, like, PIF helmet wearing white linen suited guy.
Speaker 4:Why not? Who knows how they even
Speaker 6:got there or why
Speaker 4:they're there?
Speaker 3:Oh, that's a good point. Yeah. Maybe they're a time traveler. I also love the idea of, like, an Indiana Jones, but I'm trying to think of, like, how to make him, like, less cool and more funny.
Speaker 4:Mate, I'm really sorry, but all I can think about is hedgehog. It was a hedgehog, but when he gets when he gets angry or scared, he expands and becomes much larger.
Speaker 3:Shape shifting hedgehog?
Speaker 4:A shape a shape a shape shifting hedgehog. So he's both capable of extreme violence, but he's also terrified when he's in his small form.
Speaker 7:Okay.
Speaker 4:And his name is and his name is Puds. Well, his full name is is Puddington Raspberry the fourth. Sir Puddington Raspberry the fourth. And normally, he's, like, maybe three foot two two three foot, four foot. How big is this?
Speaker 4:That's a huge hedgehog.
Speaker 3:That's a huge hedgehog. A hedgehog is, like, five inches long.
Speaker 4:He's a lot he is a large hedgehog. He's one foot tall, but when he expands, he expands to four foot.
Speaker 3:What a ridiculous superpower. He's just like, I go from being small to just, like, a little bit larger.
Speaker 4:But he's capable of extreme violence Okay. And and strength, and has a foul mouth, but but always swears in hedgehog.
Speaker 3:Alright. Player one, Puds.
Speaker 2:Puddington. Puddington. Puddington. His name is Puddington. Puds.
Speaker 2:You can call you can call me you you you can call me Puss.
Speaker 4:And then expands.
Speaker 7:He's gonna be more of a you know? When he's angry, he's like, come on and you dirty bastards. You know?
Speaker 3:Who who would you say would pair with this hedgehog, you know, the way one might pair a a cheese with a fine wine? I'm kind of thinking that my character is going to be a little bit Indiana Jones, maybe a little bit Archimedes who's always inventing things that rarely work.
Speaker 4:An engineering MacGyver.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Exactly. But he's got a wide range of knowledge of potions, poisons, ancient weapons, although most of these are just different alcohols that he drinks. And we'll let the AI name him because I can't be bothered to come up with one myself. Alright.
Speaker 3:Do you think we have everything we need here?
Speaker 4:I guess we'll find out. Cue sound effects like whistling sounds, almost like a fire cracking, and then just this storm building up. And then you just hear this, dum dum dum dum, tympani drums coming in. Then strings coming overload brass. Like a portal as if we're being transported through to this other world.
Speaker 4:The Curse of the Black Pyramid. An action adventure comedy supernatural set in ancient Egypt around the time the pyramids are being built. Chapter one. The black cat's omen. A dusty Egyptian tavern.
Speaker 4:Night. The Scarab and Jackal tavern sits at the edge of the bustling city near the Nile. The air is thick with the scent of roasted meats, stale beer and the sweat of labourers who work their night building the great pyramids. A warm torchlight flickers over the entrance, where a wooden sign creaks in the hot desert wind. Inside this scarab and jackal, a dimly lit, smoke filled room.
Speaker 4:It's filled with shady traders, self proclaimed wizards, and laborers blowing off steam. Patrons speak in hushed tones. A few laborers argue over wages, and a traveling bard strums a horribly out of tune lyre. At a wobbly wooden table in the back, two figures sit surrounded by half empty mugs, crumpled parchment, and a pile of broken contraptions. Puds, the one foot tall hedgehog trainee knight, stabs a chunk of roasted meat with his miniature dagger.
Speaker 4:He wears a dented helmet, his quills bristling with frustration. Across from him, archibald Mortimer Rigsby the third, a human engineer adventurer, enthusiastically scribbles on a torn piece of papyrus. His wide bloodshot eyes flicker with manic excitement as he murmurs calculations to himself.
Speaker 2:We've been sitting in this piss old tavern for three days, Rigsby. Three damn days. Either we're gonna find this so called treasure, or I'm gonna go find a very large scorpion and shove it somewhere unpleasant.
Speaker 3:You lack patience, my diminutive companion. Treasure hunting is a delicate process. First, we establish a base of operations. Second, we conduct exhaustive research. And third
Speaker 2:Third, you get drunk, hallucinate some dead bastard whispering in your ear, and then wake up screaming that the map is inside your own mind.
Speaker 3:That only happened twice.
Speaker 2:Oh, well, pardon me.
Speaker 3:Look. If we're gonna unearth the lost Pyramid Of Satech, we have to understand why it was hidden in the first place. You don't just lose a pyramid, Puds. Pyramids are very big.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So is my patience, and yet it somehow vanished.
Speaker 3:Ancient texts describe Satek as a place of forbidden power. The pharaohs erased its existence from history. No records. No mention of temple walls or anything. If we find it, we won't just be rich.
Speaker 3:We'll be legendary.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Legendary like the last seven idiots who went chasing this myth and ended up as crocodile chow.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Well, I have something they didn't.
Speaker 2:What? Lack of self preservation.
Speaker 3:I have a theory.
Speaker 2:You say that like it's supposed to impress me.
Speaker 4:Archibald draws a rolled up map out of his bag.
Speaker 3:Look closely, my skeptical friend. You see these markings? They're not hieroglyphs. They're older, predynastic, predating the pyramids themselves.
Speaker 2:So what? Maybe some poor caveman scribbled on a rock because he ran out of things to go hunt.
Speaker 3:No. No. No. No. No.
Speaker 3:This isn't just an old map. It's a blueprint. It's showing an underground structure beneath the Great Pyramid Of Khufu. There's something hidden there.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Probably a tomb filled with curses and a lot of things that want us dead.
Speaker 3:And treasure. And death. And glory. And pain. Inputs.
Speaker 3:My dear, irritable companion, tell me, why are you here? You followed me into traps, battles, collapsing ruins, and a bar fight with those strangely aggressive baboons in Mesopotamia. Oh, hold on. Hang on. Hold on.
Speaker 3:Alright. We've been on a
Speaker 8:lot of
Speaker 3:adventures together, it sounds like.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 3:There's there's
Speaker 5:lot of
Speaker 4:bit of a tongue to it. I forget this is just the introduction.
Speaker 3:Alright. Yeah. So we've we've we've seen some shit. Okay. Yeah.
Speaker 3:Puds, my dear irritable companion, tell me, why are you here? You followed me into traps, battles, collapsing ruins, and even that bar fight with the strangely aggressive baboons in Mesopotamia.
Speaker 2:First of all, those baboons started it.
Speaker 3:You threw a tankard at them.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Well, they looked at me funny.
Speaker 3:Point is, why stay? You could be anywhere doing anything. You're a hedgehog with questionable morals and incredible violence potential. So why stick with me?
Speaker 2:Well, probably because nobody else is dumb enough to keep me around. Because being a knight in training don't pay the bills and because somewhere deep down in the shriveled raisin you call a heart, you're less useless than most humans. You like me. Yeah. I'd rather eat my own quills.
Speaker 3:The feeling is mutual, my prickly friend. So tell me, what's your grand ambition? Surely, you're not in this for the gold.
Speaker 2:You wanna know what I want, Rigsby? I want a kingdom.
Speaker 7:King boots, lord of the dish hot. A kingdom?
Speaker 2:Damn right. A hedgehog kingdom. A place where no one tells me I'm too small, too violent, too unsuitable to be a knight. Somewhere where I make the rules. And guess what?
Speaker 2:I need gold to make that happen. Gold that you can't claim is sitting under some mythical death pyramid.
Speaker 6:That's that's
Speaker 3:the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Hold on.
Speaker 4:Wait a second.
Speaker 3:Hold on a second. Wait. It's written that it's supposed to be sincere, but come on. That's too stupid. It has to be sarcastic.
Speaker 3:Oh, puds. That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
Speaker 2:Oh, shut up.
Speaker 4:They clink their mugs together. A moment of rare genuine camaraderie. Then a soft meow echoes through the tavern. The room falls silent. Patrons glance around.
Speaker 4:The source of the sound slinks into view. A small black cat with piercing golden eyes. It moves gracefully, unnervingly intelligent. It hops onto their table, sending Archibald's drink splashing over his map.
Speaker 2:No. Oh, I hate cats.
Speaker 4:The cat speaks in perfect smooth Egyptian, its voice an eerie mixture of male and female tones.
Speaker 1:You should listen, mate. You're going
Speaker 3:to hate what comes next even more.
Speaker 2:Oh, by the prickle of my own damn quills, the cat talks.
Speaker 3:Incredible. This could revolutionize everything. I mean, do all cats talk or is it just you? I mean, can you read? What are your thoughts on the blueprints?
Speaker 1:I'm here because history is
Speaker 3:about to
Speaker 1:be rewritten. And you two
Speaker 3:and the sons are gonna help me do it.
Speaker 4:The entire tavern erupts in chaos. People back away from the talking cat like it's cursed. Some drop their drinks. A burly man faints.
Speaker 3:Oh, no. I'm allergic.
Speaker 5:Cursed beast out of my tavern.
Speaker 3:Sir, please. This is an opportunity. This is science.
Speaker 2:This is bullshit.
Speaker 4:The black cat hisses, and then the candles in the room snuff out all at once. The tavern is plunged into darkness. A few blue glowing hiver glyphs flicker across the cat's fur.
Speaker 3:I bear the last remnants of a civilization lost beneath the sands.
Speaker 7:My master's knowledge was buried alive. You will help me reclaim it or die. I'm ignorant.
Speaker 4:The candles reignite. The air crackles with static energy.
Speaker 2:Oh, well, I'm gonna pick option diagonal. Thanks.
Speaker 3:I pick whatever leads to treasure, they said unfazed. Yeah. Then you have
Speaker 1:chosen wisely.
Speaker 4:The cat leaps onto Archibald's shoulder, claws gripping into his vest. First,
Speaker 1:we must leave this place. We are being watched.
Speaker 4:A loud knocking at the tavern door. A hush falls over the room. The bartender backs away from
Speaker 8:the entrance. Oh gods, they've come.
Speaker 2:Who's they?
Speaker 6:The door explodes inward revealing Choices. Option A. Choices. A hooded cult of jackal headed priests wielding staffs, crackling with red energy. They chant in an ancient tongue, their voices overlapping like a thousand whispers.
Speaker 6:Option B. A group of heavily armed Tomb Raiders led by a masked woman with golden eyes. She grins wickedly pulling a curved dagger from her belt. Option c.
Speaker 8:An
Speaker 6:eight foot tall mummy with a staff covered in glowing rooms. It points at the black cat and speaks in a voice that shakes the walls. You have returned. What happens next? Choose wisely.
Speaker 6:After
Speaker 3:this short message from today's sponsors.
Speaker 7:Burlington Beef. Burlington Beef. My belly is full of Burlington Beef.
Speaker 3:Do you love beef that's been boiled in chocolate for hours? Well, we know we do. So head on down to Dartmouth and get yourself some chocolate boiled Burlington beef. Burlington beef, it's still mostly beef.
Speaker 7:Welcome
Speaker 3:back to the Big Quest Ion. We've got a trio of interesting directions that the AI could take us for the rest of the story here. We've got a death cult. We've got a spooky looking sorceress and a giant mummy. I don't know.
Speaker 3:I'm kinda feeling cult. I mean, what what do you think?
Speaker 4:I'm feeling cult. I think so. I can't help but hear the chanting, and you're immediately just, you know I I've got a feeling option b is gonna send us on some pirate adventure, and that's fine. And then the mummy
Speaker 3:I'm kinda worried that the mummy is related somehow to the cat's owner, and I don't feel like that's exactly where we wanna end up yet. We might wanna just sort of let that reveal itself as it goes. So plus, I think I mean, think of the sound design for the the chanting of the
Speaker 4:Oh, the sound design. The chanting. The oh, yeah. The crackling red energy. Not only that, but it kinda gives I think it's it's almost giving the biggest option for not knowing what happens next.
Speaker 3:Yeah. I I like it. So we decided. We're going option a.
Speaker 4:The door explodes inwards, sending splinters flying. The tavern patrons scream and scatter. Standing in the doorway are six footed figures, each wearing jackal shaped masks, their eyes glowing with an unnatural red light. Their robes are deep black, embroidered with ancient hieroglyphs that seem to shift and move like living ink. They step inside in unison, moving unnervingly smooth, like they are gliding rather than walking.
Speaker 4:Their leader, Tahut, high priest of Setekh, steps forward. He is taller than the rest. His mask is gold, his hands etched with scars that pulse dimly as if filled with embers. This sacred beast has returned. The black cat narrows its eyes.
Speaker 3:Well, that didn't take long.
Speaker 2:Do you know these pricks?
Speaker 1:I may have borrowed something from their temple.
Speaker 2:You goddamn fleabag.
Speaker 3:A secret cult? This confirms my theory. Absolutely wonderful.
Speaker 4:The cultists lift their staffs, each one crackling with red lightning. The air grows heavy with static. The candles flicker wildly.
Speaker 8:You will all come with us.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Or what? You'll chant us real menacing light.
Speaker 4:Two cultists aim their staffs at the table. Explodes into ash.
Speaker 2:Okay. Okay. Fair point.
Speaker 3:I love a dramatic entrance as much as the next guy, but before we go anywhere, can we discuss terms perhaps?
Speaker 4:The cultist lunges at Archibald. Or not. Or not. Instinctively, Puds leaps into action. He kicks a barstool straight into the cultist's face.
Speaker 4:Smashed. The hooded figure crumples to the ground. Everything descends into chaos. Archibald grabs a half built contraption from his belt. It whirs, sputters, and then violently explodes in his hands, sending him cartwheeling backward into a table.
Speaker 3:It needs some needs some adjustments.
Speaker 4:Poods grows to four feet tall in a fit of rage. He grabs a cultist by the mask and bashes his head into a wall.
Speaker 5:I hate secret societies.
Speaker 4:Black cat leaps onto the cultist's face, claws digging in.
Speaker 5:Oh, no. My allergies.
Speaker 4:The cultist runs blindly into another, sending him crap into the ground. The tavern patrons scatter in panic.
Speaker 5:Enough.
Speaker 4:With a single gesture, the entire room goes silent. A red shockwave pulses from his outstretched hand. Time seems to slow. Puds, Archibald, and the black cat are frozen mid movement. Bring them.
Speaker 4:The lord of Satek awaits. Our heroes are swallowed in darkness. The Pyramid Of The Forgotten Gods. Massive construction site predawn. A thick black sky looms overhead with the faintest hint of purple bleeding into the horizon.
Speaker 4:Tortures flicker in rows, illuminating a half built pyramid, but it is not the great pyramids known to history. This structure is twisted, unnatural. The stones are too dark, too smooth, too perfectly aligned. Strange red glyphs glow along the base, pulsing like a heartbeat. Hundreds of laborers, their faces vacant, their eyes glowing red, chant in perfect unison as they haul enormous limestone blocks into place.
Speaker 4:Their voices with something ancient, something wrong. The words resonate deep in their bones. Even the wind refuses to blow here. Mid ground, a massive stone table. Poods, archer balled, and the black cat lie bound in thick rope tied to separate carved stone slabs.
Speaker 4:Oh.
Speaker 2:Alright. Waking up bound to a sacrificial slab. Yeah. That's a new one.
Speaker 3:Fascinating. This doesn't follow the standard pyramid alignment principles.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah. Let's critique their architectural choices. That's the priority here.
Speaker 3:I see you're both taking our impending doom rather well. Footsteps.
Speaker 4:Tarut, high priest of Setekh, approaches, standing over them. His golden jackal mask glows faintly, and the red hieroglyphs on his hands pulse in time with the chanting.
Speaker 8:You struggle against inevitability. The lord of Setekh will rise. This pyramid is not a tomb, not a monument. It is a door.
Speaker 3:Door to what exactly?
Speaker 8:Not what? Who?
Speaker 4:He gestures toward the chanting laborers.
Speaker 8:For centuries, pharaohs had hidden the truth. The pyramids were not made for men. They were made to contain him. But mortals cannot imprison a god forever.
Speaker 4:The chant grows louder.
Speaker 2:You know, the way they say the end really ain't comforting.
Speaker 3:Because it's not supposed to be. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.
Speaker 3:Satek. That's not just a god's name. It's a title. The Devourer of Rhodes.
Speaker 2:That name's got bad omen written all over it.
Speaker 8:And he will walk again.
Speaker 4:The ground beneath them trembles. A deep inhuman groan echoes from beneath the unfinished pyramid. The laborers suddenly stop chanting, their eyes rolling back. They continue working, but now an eerie silence. The red glyphs on the stone slabs beneath them start glowing brighter.
Speaker 3:Need to get out of here.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah? What gave it away? The glowing evil runes or the fact that we're tied to an ancient death table?
Speaker 3:Oh, but just imagine, if we survive, this discovery rewrites history.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Let's make sure we don't get rewritten first.
Speaker 4:Tarut raises his hands. The glyphs flare bright red. The earth splits beneath them, revealing an impossibly deep black chasm. A low growl rises from the darkness. Something is waking up.
Speaker 6:Choices.
Speaker 3:Choices.
Speaker 6:Option a. Poods manages to shape shift violently enough to snap the ropes, Sending them rolling off the stone slabs before the ritual can finish. They sprint for a half built scaffolding hoping to climb up and escape before the cult can react. Option B. Archibald pulls out a vial of explosive potion.
Speaker 6:Actually, just very strong alcohol and sulfur. He manages to set off a controlled explosion collapsing part of the construction site and forcing the cultist to flee. Option c. The black cat speaks an ancient word breaking their bonds with a burst of energy. But it also draws the attention of something inside the chasm.
Speaker 6:A gigantic shadowy hand begins to rise from the abyss. Choose wisely.
Speaker 7:Choose wisely.
Speaker 3:After this short message from today's sponsor.
Speaker 7:Today. Need
Speaker 3:a job done? Well, why not hire three guys? All of us will work equal amounts for money, and we're three guys. Why not hire us?
Speaker 7:One man to hold. One man
Speaker 8:to load.
Speaker 7:One man to watch what the other two are doing. It's a three man job. A three man job. A three man job today.
Speaker 3:Alright. We're back with the big quest, Ion, and we have got another decision to make. How do we get out of this deadly predicament? Do we allow our little hedgehog friend to expand and burst through these ropes? Do we use a controlled explosive device?
Speaker 3:Or do we use a little bit of black cat magic? What are we thinking here?
Speaker 4:You know, the shape shifting makes sense because that's what he does. It's his one superpower.
Speaker 6:It's the one thing he does.
Speaker 4:But Archibald, we've yet to sort of see much of his ingenuity, much of his ability to adapt to a situation.
Speaker 3:That's true.
Speaker 4:And then the black cat, I mean, there's got to be some relevance to it. We're still wondering what its relevance is, what its powers are, what it's capable of, why it's even part of this story.
Speaker 3:I'm almost thinking we take all three of them.
Speaker 4:Where they get themselves out of their own ropes and chaos ensues.
Speaker 3:Yeah. That's sort of what I'm thinking. I think there's something to the hand aspect of it
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Where it would be good if, like, it ended with the hand.
Speaker 4:Exactly. We're already getting caught up on our own rules when there are none. There are no rules. There are to make this fundamentally clear, there are one or two what could be considered guidelines, but there are no rules. The black chasm beneath the pyramid yawns wider, and a deep guttural growl reverberates through the stones.
Speaker 4:The air is heavy, raw. Tarut, high priest of Setekh, stands over Puds, archer bald, and the black cat, arms raised. Red lightning crackles from his fingertips, illuminating the glowing glyphs beneath them. The chant begins again. The laborer's eyes glow brighter.
Speaker 4:The unfinished pyramid hums as if something inside is waking up. Close-up on Puds, his small furry body twitches with suppressed rage. His bound quills start to bristle outward, pressing against the thick ropes.
Speaker 5:Oh, you mystical, robe wearing, jackal faced bastards. The pigs are the wrong hedgehog.
Speaker 4:His tiny body begins to expand, growing, stretching, muscles bulging. His ropes strain then snatch. Hoods expands to four feet tall, bellowing in pure rage.
Speaker 5:Hooarch. Shush. You can all choke on a
Speaker 6:scorpion's ass. Puds head butts
Speaker 4:at cultists so hard, he flies 10 feet into the sand. Close-up on archer bolt, he twists his wrist inside his bonds, reaching for a small glass vial tucked into his belt.
Speaker 3:Come on. Come on. Yes.
Speaker 4:With great effort, he wiggles the vial into his palm and smashes it against the stone slab. A hissing bubbling liquid begins eating through the ropes.
Speaker 3:Alchemy. A misunderstood science. Misunderstood science. Oh, that's not alchemy. Hold on.
Speaker 3:I'm gonna change this. Ah, sulfuric acid, my old friend.
Speaker 4:The ropes dissolve, freeing his hands. He rolls to the side and yanks out another vial. This one, a murky dangerous shade of green.
Speaker 3:You know what they say? When in doubt, blow something up.
Speaker 4:He flings the vial into the ground. Boom. A column of fire and smoke erupts, blast ing cultists off their feet and collapsing part of the scaffolding. Close-up on the black cap, it narrows its golden eyes, the glyphs beneath its stone slab reflecting in its irises. Second.
Speaker 4:The moment the words leave its mouth, the glyphs beneath it flicker and die. The ropes unravel as if slithering away in fear. Impossible.
Speaker 3:Try keeping a leash on something older than you.
Speaker 4:All three stand freed.
Speaker 5:Stop them.
Speaker 4:Cultists charge. Poods picks up a broken staff and starts swinging it like a makeshift club sending cultists flying. Archibald grabs a rickety ladder and rides it down into a group of them like an unhedged sled racer. The black cat leaps onto a cultist's face, using them as a springboard to jump onto the scaffolding.
Speaker 7:You know, for an
Speaker 4:archaeologist, you cause a lot of structural damage.
Speaker 3:Thank you.
Speaker 4:The ground rumbles violently. A low unholy growl fills the air. They all freeze. Even the cultists stop fighting. No.
Speaker 4:Close-up on the massive shifts in the darkness. Something ancient. Something hungry. A gigantic shadowy hand rises from the pit. It is formed of shifting black sand with glowing red cracks running through its form.
Speaker 4:The sheer weight of it distorts the air around it. The laborers chanting stops. Some of them drop their tools and start running, screaming. Others stand frozen in awe. He rises.
Speaker 5:That's a very big hand.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Very big. You might even say huge. If that's just his hand, we are completely, utterly, and spectacularly doed.
Speaker 4:The gigantic fingers flex, cracking the stone around them. The ground begins to split further, revealing a deeper void below. A low monstrous voice rumbles from within the chasm.
Speaker 2:Nice.
Speaker 6:I like that. That was good.
Speaker 4:Yeah. The gigantic shadowy hand continues rising from the chasm, fingers twisting unnaturally, reaching toward the sky. The air vibrates with an unnatural the very fabric of reality bending around it. Puds, Archibald, and the black cat stand frozen, staring at the impossible sight.
Speaker 3:See that? See that up there?
Speaker 4:A massive limestone block suspended by a series of thick ropes and pulleys. The unfinished scaffolding creaks ominously.
Speaker 3:That counterweight system is designed to move stones into place. If we can drop that block right on the hand thing, we might just buy ourselves enough time to get the hell out of here.
Speaker 4:Your master plan is to drop a big rock on it.
Speaker 3:Yes. It's classic engineering. If you have a problem, drop something heavy on it. Oh, brilliant. A solution as subtle as you are.
Speaker 6:Fine. How do we trigger the drop?
Speaker 3:Easy. You just have to climb up there and release the rope. Oh, yeah. That's easy. Better hurry, knight.
Speaker 3:Your future hedgehog kingdom is looking shorter by the second.
Speaker 8:What?
Speaker 4:How the cat knows about his desires for a hedgehog kingdom, I have no idea.
Speaker 3:How does the cat how does the cat know about that? That's creepy.
Speaker 6:How does the cat know? Well, that's
Speaker 4:the that is the secret. Interesting.
Speaker 9:Oh, yeah. I hate both of you.
Speaker 4:Pud sprints towards the scaffolding. He scales the wooden beams with surprising speed, his hedgehog ability kicking in. The structure shakes beneath him as the hand continues rising, cracking the stone floor. Below, cultists panic and scatter. Tarut remains chanting louder, trying to complete the ritual before the heroes can stop it.
Speaker 5:The lord of Zedek will not be denied.
Speaker 3:That's cute, buddy, but we're kind of on a tight schedule here.
Speaker 4:Hoods reaches the counterweight mechanism. The thick rope is knotted tightly around a rusted iron pin. The massive limestone block sways slightly in the night air hovering right over the monstrous shadowy hand. The hand begins to rise fully from the pit. A second emerges.
Speaker 1:Cut the damn rope, buds.
Speaker 5:I'm It's a really well made knot. Use your sword. This is a knight's blade. It's meant for battle and honor.
Speaker 3:This is neither of those things cut
Speaker 5:the rope. Oh, fine.
Speaker 4:Hood slashes the rope with his dagger. For a split second, nothing happens. Then the massive limestone block plummets. It crushes the shadowy hand with an earth shaking boom. A shock wave of unnatural energy surges outward, sending Taddle flying backward.
Speaker 4:The entire scaffolding begins collapsing.
Speaker 3:I told you that would work. Why would that work? Why would that what?
Speaker 6:I
Speaker 4:haven't because he's insightful. He's he's got good plans old day Archie old old Archie bags or whatever.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Guess so. I mean, why not? Archie Reed. Just crush crush the giant hand with a rock.
Speaker 3:Mean, fuck it.
Speaker 4:Why not? I mean Yeah. And it's also like, AI doesn't know how to pace a story as well. So it's kind of reactionary. It's sort of like, oh, okay.
Speaker 4:So that's the end of that. I created a scene where there's this big god. Now you just basically finished it off.
Speaker 3:Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Well, anyway. I told you that would work.
Speaker 6:Oh, crap.
Speaker 4:The wooden beams buckle. Pud starts falling.
Speaker 3:I swear, I do everything in this group.
Speaker 4:The black cat leaps into the air mid jump. It grabs Pud's collar with its teeth. Pud's and the cat drop directly onto Archibald.
Speaker 3:Get your hedgehog ass off me.
Speaker 4:Yeah. You're welcome.
Speaker 1:Should be like now.
Speaker 4:Like now. The three heroes sprint into the desert kicking up sand. Behind them, the cultists are in chaos. The construction site collapsing. The crushed shadowy hand twitches beneath the limestone block, but it is trapped for now.
Speaker 4:Tarut, bloodied but alive, watches them escape. His eyes burn with hatred.
Speaker 8:Run while you can, fools. This is not the end.
Speaker 4:The sun begins to rise, casting golden light over the dunes. The three adventurers slow their pace, panting exhausted. Well,
Speaker 3:that could have gone worse.
Speaker 2:Yeah. We could be dead. Instead, we just wanted criminals in a cursed land.
Speaker 3:Welcome to adventuring.
Speaker 4:The wind howls over the dunes.
Speaker 3:So what's next? Breakfast? Well, and and then what happens after breakfast?
Speaker 2:Then we find the real treasure.
Speaker 4:Fate to black to be continued.
Speaker 3:That that scene the dialogue says. Hold on. Let's, like, just just hang on. Rewrite that last desert scene, but make the dialogue badass as hell.
Speaker 4:The three adventurers stagger over the dunes, panting, covered in dust and sweat. The horizon glows with the first golden slashes of sunrise, but behind them, the remnants of the collapsed construction site still smolder. The unnatural from the chasm is finally gone, buried beneath tons of ancient stone for now. Archibald stumbles to a halt, hands on his knees, laughing breathlessly.
Speaker 3:We did it. I I mean, we actually did it. We just buried a god's cursed hand under half a pyramid. That's that's one hell of a footnote in history. Suck it, history.
Speaker 3:Added that last little bit there.
Speaker 4:Pud spits out a mouthful of sand and wipes his snout looking unimpressed.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Then why don't I feel good about it?
Speaker 3:Well, because you have no appreciation for the magnitude of our accomplishment. Or maybe because we just pissed off an ancient cult that wants to skin us alive. I don't know. Either way, it's a moment worth savoring.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I'd rather savor a meal and a stiff drink.
Speaker 4:Black Cat leaps onto a rock, tail flicking as it stares back towards the ruins. Its golden eyes reflect the dying embers of the disaster they left behind.
Speaker 3:This isn't over. Come on. We crushed the damn thing under a 50 ton limestone slab. If it was getting out, it would have done so already.
Speaker 1:You think Satek only has one way out.
Speaker 4:Pudz exhales sharply, his quills bristling again.
Speaker 2:You mean we did all of that for nothing?
Speaker 3:No. We want time and time is everything. But that was just his hand. Imagine what happens when he finds the rest of himself.
Speaker 4:A heavy silence falls between them. The wind kicks up sand, whispering through the dunes.
Speaker 3:Can't wait to see that guy's dick. Am I right?
Speaker 6:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Alright. For real now.
Speaker 1:Imagine what happens when he finds the rest of himself.
Speaker 3:Well, that's an absolutely terrifying thought that I will now suppress with alcohol.
Speaker 2:I agree. Good plan.
Speaker 1:We have work to do.
Speaker 3:Alright then. Let's make history.
Speaker 2:Or die trying.
Speaker 4:The three of them turned toward the rising sun, their figures silhouetted against the golden dunes. The wind howls behind them, carrying the distant echoes of a chant that refuses to die. Fade to black.
Speaker 6:Where do our heroes go next? You decide. Joices. After escaping the ruined construction site in the Cult of Satek, our heroes press forward into the unknown. But where do they go next?
Speaker 6:Option a. The desert city of Keferar. Our heroes arrive in the bustling lawless trade city of Keferar, a city of thieves, merchants, and exiled scholars. They seek information about Satek and the other pyramids, but the city is crawling with spies, assassins, and rival treasure hunters. Option b.
Speaker 6:Choices. The cursed oasis. Fleeing deep into the desert, they stop at an ancient oasis only to find it abandoned. That night, the water turns black, the palm trees wither, and whispering voices surround them. A mysterious guardian spirit warns them that the cult of Satek has awakened something far worse than a mere god's hand.
Speaker 6:They must survive the night solving the mystery before they are consumed by the spirits of those who failed before them. Or option c. The Pyramid Of The Forgotten King. King. They follow an old half burned scroll leading them to a hidden pyramid buried beneath the dunes.
Speaker 6:Unlike other pyramids, this one is not on any records and it's said to house the one pharaoh who opposed Satek's rise. Inside, they find strange mechanisms, undead guardians, and cryptic hieroglyphs that hint at a power strong enough to destroy Satek for good. But something else is already inside the tomb waiting for them. Choose wisely. Do they enter the chaotic city, brave the haunted oasis, or descend into an uncharted tomb?
Speaker 6:Please send all of your decisions by mail, carrier pigeon, or hedgehog.
Speaker 3:Please send your answers written on the back of a $20 bill.
Speaker 6:And see you next time on the Big Quest
Speaker 3:Ion. The Big Quest Ion is a BQI media production created and produced by Taylor Gledhill and Zander Rollins. This episode of the BQI pod was edited by Taylor Gledhill with original music by Zander Rollins and Pally Inc. Written in part thanks to the intellectual property theft of AI large language models and some charitable help from the human storytellers. All voices, production, and post production processes are a painstaking labor of love by the creators and remain pure and untouched by AI.
Speaker 3:So if you would like to support the human behind the BQI, find us on Patreon or at bqimedia.com, where you can get access to an ads free version of the podcast, BQI merch, bonus extras, and exciting perks such as helping us choose which stories to tell next. All characters are voiced by the creators. Copyright 02/2025. All rights reserved. Grumpy and miserable.
Speaker 6:Everything's wrong. Just a lot of faffing.