Self-FULL

Self-FULL 

 

Many of you know that I, at one time, had 9 other siblings. And of course, from my Mom’s vantage point, the best version of her children were the ones that weren’t going to be selfish. I was loved when I shared. 

I hated sharing with my siblings. Having nothing of my own growing up was quite painful. So as much as I learned to share, I preferred to be selfish, at least that’s what I wanted as a little boy.  

In therapy one day the idea of better self-care was bandied about by my therapist. “What would it be like to be more selfish”, my well-intended therapist asked. 

I remember starting to cry. Through tear filled eyes I said, “I always thought I wasn’t loved by my Mom when I was selfish.” 

It was a story I made up when she busted me for not sharing a block of Hershey’s chocolate a friend of my Dad bought for me. 

After getting me re-grounded he gently asked, “If there was term or concept that meant you focusing on you, but you didn’t use the term selfish, what would it be?” 

As my eyes lifted to meet his, I began to smile. “What about self-FULL? Would that work?” 

Like any good therapist worth their salt he asked, “Would that work for you?” “Hell yes!”, I said. 

In today’s podcast I want to breathe some energy into the concept of being self-full. 

I’ll also share 6 reasons why living “SELF-FULL” is incredibly generous.

What is Conversations with Thomas?

Conversations With Thomas is a podcast where humor, heart, and a touch of sass collide. Hosted by Thomas Kevin Dolan, each episode explores raw, real topics like self-compassion, healing, and the delightful mess of being human. As the seventh of ten kids, Thomas didn’t always have a voice—now he’s sharing it with you, and trust us, you’ll want to hear this.

Expect vulnerability, laughs, and thought-provoking questions that dive into subjects most people avoid (because, let's face it, some topics just need to be tackled). With a mix of wit and wisdom, Thomas takes you on a journey where you might cry, you might laugh, and you’ll definitely feel a little more connected to yourself and the world.

New episodes drop every 2nd and 4th Monday. Tune in for a dose of honesty, heart, and just the right amount of quirky.

Hey, it's Thomas. It's so great to have you here. My pronouns are he and him.
Thank you for joining me in this podcast of Conversations with Thomas. Have you
ever, as a child or younger person, invented things, concepts or words in your
little mind, and then found out later in life someone actually brought them to life?
I invented, amongst other things, a heated steering wheel for vehicles, a video
player or a VHS built into a TV when I was in elementary school and junior high
school. All, as you know, have come to fruition and know I didn't have the
savviness at the time to trademark the ideas. Damn.
I'm wondering if you can relate to that Where our little minds go when we wander
in the world amongst all the stuff Many of you know that I at one time in my
life had nine other siblings and of course from mom's vantage point The best version
of her children were the ones that weren't going to be selfish. I Was loved when I
shared I
Hated sharing. I hated sharing with my siblings. Having nothing of my own growing up
was quite painful. So as I learned to share, I preferred to be selfish. At least
that's what I wanted as a little boy.
In therapy one day, the idea of better self -care was bandied about by my
therapists. He said to me, "What would it be like to be more selfish?" My well
-intended therapist asked. I remember the activation. I started to cry.
Through tear -filled eyes, I said, "I always thought I wasn't loved by my mom when
I was selfish." It was a story I made up when she busted me for not sharing a
block of Hershey's chocolate a friend of my dad bought for me. After getting re
-grounded, he gently asked, "If there was a term or concept that meant you focusing
on you, better self -care, but you didn't use the word selfish, what would it be?"
I remember lifting my eyes to meet his. I actually began to smile.
"What about self -full? Would that work?
And like any good therapist worth his salt, he asked, would that work for you? I
gleefully beamed with a hell yes, I said.
So this discovery, me inventing this word so I thought, took place sometime in the
early 1990s. In today's podcast, I want to breathe some energy into the concept of
being self -full. I'll also share six reasons why living self -full,
I believe, is incredibly, incredibly generous.
I was surprised doing a bit of research for this podcast when I bumped into the
derivation of self -full. First of all, that it goes back to the year 1940 by
someone known as T. Hooker. And then Mary Thames, a psychologist, uses the word
Selfful in a program called the Life Alignment Program. And yet again, another
psychologist, her name is Julie Baum, claiming she created the word and having it
trademarked, has put it out into the world blended in a program to support her
codependent clients. So, with all that attribution brought to light, let me dive into
how the concept of self -full that I thought was simply mine, I had invented in the
1990s, has actually soothed and supported my life. And perhaps you will be able to
relate to some of the things I share with you and perhaps might find some soothing
balm, some soothing ointment in it, and by using the word "self -full" for yourself.
So let me dive into, and for the record, there have been many times when folks,
both those I love and those that I don't, have hurled, "You're so selfish at me."
And my response is, "Is always, I'm being self -full." They usually look at me,
roll their eyes and move on. And of course, I get to laugh because it's not about
me. Landing on what I want in my life, oftentimes has me course away through what
it is that I don't want. So here's my journey to wanting to be self -full. I
started with I don't want to be self -less. I don't want to float through this life
untethered to any of my own needs or desires. I don't want to exhaust myself while
desperately trying to ensure the happiness of those around me, a task that could
never really be mine. I don't want to be selfish. God forbid I be selfish.
Oh, and that story was so powerful, that narrative that was never true. Mom did
love me even when I was selfish. I don't want to feel so uncertain of my own
worth that I can't look away from my own needs long enough to see how my life
intersects with yours. I don't want to pretend that our peace, our collective peace
isn't bound up in each other's. I want to be self -full.
I want to know my own goodness as clearly as I know that the sun will rise
tomorrow. I want to feel so filled with me that I trust my emotions,
my instincts and my decisions. I want my curiosity, compassion and courage to
actually overflow because I'm so full of self that I can't keep it all in.
I use the term with much passion and pride, as you can tell. I use the term
selfful to describe how to have a healthy relationship where I step out of old
patterns and actually get my own needs met. And when you're able to meet your own
needs, you don't need to have anybody actually meet them for you. I call it
freedom. This has inspired me to learn where my core wounds are and how I re -enact
them in my relationships. Learning to gain awareness and change my beliefs allows me
to have the freedom to express myself in healthy ways. Who knew? Leading to balance
relationships first and foremost with me and ultimately with others. Let me add some
definition to these three words self less self -full and selfish
Have you ever had Experiences where you felt pulled in many different directions Life
continues to tear you down because you're doing absolutely everything for absolutely
everyone else except of course yourself For example, you've had an extraneously long
week at work, that person you call your boss has been out of town and you've
collected more hours of work, which has left you feeling stressed and exhausted. It's
Friday afternoon here in Honolulu, we call it Aloha Friday. And the only thing
you're thinking about is getting in your bathtub at home. Then a friend calls.
They call to ask you if you can help them move a few boxes Into a new apartment
and of course without even thinking. What do you say? Yes After you've agreed to
help them you immediately feel resentment because the last time you asked this friend
to help you right? They didn't they didn't help you They said no But internally you
feel that if you help them with this move Maybe when you ask them next time,
they'll help you down the road. Good luck with that. Then the same day another
friend calls you to go out for drinks and it happens to be across town. Even
though you're exhausted from helping a friend that never helped you move a dozen
boxes, not a few, up and down the stairs for a couple of hours, you can't say no.
You can't say no to the other friend who's asking you to meet up for drinks,
because of course you haven't seen them in a while.
You always say yes, no matter what the circumstances may be. You would do anything
for a friend, even if your body and soul is telling you otherwise. Here's the news
and you would know it before I deliver it. This is the act of being selfless.
Doesn't feel very good, does it? Those who are selfless have not learned to
adequately love themselves been there done that will be there again Most believe that
receiving love is contingent upon doing. They must give a part of themselves in
order to receive love and positive attention So then what is it to be self -full?
You have a great understanding of boundaries and yourself. If you were so full,
you wouldn't allow your friends to take advantage of your time and energy. Yet you
would communicate in a kind way that you need your downtime and you would be happy
to assist or meet them when your schedule slows down a bit. Take a breath and see
if that creates discomfort for you. And if it does, there's your work. Internally,
this would not eat at you. You would feel comfortable entities knowing that your
friends understand your situation and actually will still be there for you. You let
your friend know that once you've had a night to yourself, you'd be ecstatic to
help them move the next day. You know how to meet your emotional needs.
You know how to fill you up first with love in order to give love and compassion
to others. So in other words, if you're self -full, you've actually reached the
status of self -love in full capacity, isn't that cool? If you're self -full,
you've reached the status of self -love in full capacity. Now we all know those who
are on the opposite side of the self less spectrum. The selfish.
This individual is one who is entirely focused on having their needs met all the
time. The selfish individual would never go out of their way to help a friend move,
nor would they give up their time unless there was this idea and that idea had to
be theirs to actually meet friends up for a drink. the selfish individual actually
feeds off the energy of others without actually making any attempt at replenishment.
I call those folks vampires. I allow them to suck me dry, I walk away empty,
and I think what the hell just happened? That selfish individual lacks real empathy
and often puts their needs before others. So the next time you're feeling worn down
and dried up internally, I want to invite you to take some time for yourself to
renew, to rejuvenate, to revive yourself, to be able to extend yourself to others.
Because of course the cliche is,
put the seatbelt on yourself first, and then help that person beside you.
There's nothing wrong with enjoying your downtime. So go ahead, fill up that bathtub,
drop in some essential oils, turn on some funky relaxing music, and treat yourself
perhaps to some beautiful chocolate -covered strawberries on that Friday night. Because
once you become self -full, you then get to realize the true potential of living a
more balanced life. Self -full describes the healthy balance between the polarity of
selfishness and selflessness. This is the image that comes up for me when I remind
myself to be self -full.
It's me not being depleted. My tank is at least half -full. It's me having a
healthy balance relationship to myself and to others. In contrast,
when someone is selfish, There's a lack of connection to the needs and others, and
actually an overindulgence in self. When someone is selfless,
there's a lack of connection to self, which leads to the denial of one's own needs
and wants, in service of giving it all up to other folks. That's when the people
-pleaser in me kicks in. Yet when you're so full, you're able to honor and respect
your own needs and wants and also be in service to others.
Often when I sit in session with my coaching clients and they present confusion
between selfish and self -less, with their permission I introduce my middle term,
"self -full." Most clients can easily shift to believing that when they embrace self
-full, they are more confident, happy, satisfied, and most importantly, and this is
always one that surprises them, most importantly, they're more generous. So often the
term self -love is associated with being selfish, narcissistic, full of themselves,
and maybe there's another blank you can fill in here. It's always interesting to me
that people would associate loving themselves with not loving others. I really think
it's the other way around. I believe that it is only when you love yourself and
feel full that you can actually behave generously in life. We give out of a feeling
of abundance. And how can we feel abundant if we are living selfless and we have
completely emptied all reserves we have to give.
Learning to love and keeping yourself feeling full is not selfish. It is the only
way you can ensure that you have something to actually generously give to other
folks in your life. Loving yourself doesn't and shouldn't take away from loving
others as being selfish does. Making sure who are so full insists that you
understand and embrace who you are, what your gifts and talents are, and how to
best use them to bless and benefit you and others. So let's pretend, this is kind
of quirky, but bear with me here, let's pretend, for comparison's sake, that you
have a favorite tree in your backyard, maybe your balcony, maybe your lanai,
depending on where it is that you live. I like mine, I'm actually going to make
mine a mango tree. And here in Honolulu, my favorite is a Hayden mango tree. I'll
compare the tree to relationships. I love mangoes here in Honolulu. I love how big
they get. I love picking them. And of course, I love eating them as fast as I can
because they're gorgeous. But what if this mango tree that I love did not get
water, sun, or have some of the old fruit removed, therefore draining some of its
energy of creating more fruit. I'm quite sure the mango tree would stop producing
what I love most about it, the mangoes. Is a mango tree selfish because it wants
and needs water, sun, and care? No. Most people view the basic needs of their
relationship like plants. This is where being positively selfish or refusing to be
negatively selfless leaves you being aware and responsible for your heart being fit
in a way that keeps it full. Let me wrap this whole analogy with a tree and the
fruit keeps it full and bears fruit.
What tree would be in your backyard.
Let me share, I promised you the six reasons why living self -full is incredibly
generous. And like all of what it is that I share, take what's best for you,
take what resonates for you. The first is this. Having respect for yourself leads
you to having respect for others, a bit of a no -brainer. Ever wonder why some
people are so mean and judgmental. And ultimately, this is what I know. People who
are mean and judgmental are not that way because they feel insecure, insightful,
loving, and compassionate. People who are mean and judgmental to others are probably
mean and judgmental to themselves as well, right? That grumpy, younger person will
grow into an, an older person. The more you learn to respect,
appreciate, consider, trust, honor, and love yourself, the more you will feel those
same emotions for others, which ultimately makes the world, specifically your world,
a much better place. The second suggestion is this, celebrating positive things about
you supports a positive attitude about others. The more you value, honor,
and respect yourself, and celebrate your gifts, talents, and uniqueness, The more you
will want to celebrate those qualities in others
When you are constantly judging or looking down on yourself Your focus and your
focus is on the negative. No, no one is perfect, right? When you are constantly
judging or looking down on yourself, your focus is on the negative. No one is
perfect Perfection does not exist. So if you want to focus on your weakness or your
weaknesses and your imperfections, we actually keep ourselves from sharing what is
best about us. If you lift your heart up, if you strive to strengthen what is best
about you, not only will you feel much happier, you're more likely to inspire others
and lift others up around you. The third is this, taking care of your happiness
leaves your heart open to caring for others. Meeting your needs first might seem
like the absolute wrong way to care about other people, but it's the best step for
you and it's the best step that you can take to making sure those around you get
what they need and want from you, actually. When you are not feeling desperate,
empty, unloved, insecure, used up, You actually free up your emotional time and
energy to focus on and love others. Dwelling in self -doubt and self -hate does not
leave your heart full and joyful. Loving, respecting, and taking care of yourself is
essential if you want to have the energy to actually take care of other folks in
your life. The fourth is this. Believing in your own abilities allows you to pursue
passions that can inspire others. The psychology of success tells us that one of the
most important contributors to your success in every area of your life is a belief
in you. Norman Vincent Peale said this, "Believe in yourself,
exclamation mark. Have faith in your abilities, exclamation mark. Without a humble but
reasonable confidence in your own powers, you actually cannot be successful or happy.
Once you truly start believing in yourself and focusing on your positive qualities,
you'll be able to pursue your passions and spend time doing what you love. When you
allow yourself to be who you are and follow your heart, you'll be able to share
your passion with the world. The more you believe in you, the more you will open
up and share with others. And what you shared just might be the very inspiration
someone else needs. The fifth is this, loving yourself makes you happier,
kinder, a more positive person. The basic truth is this, if you love yourself,
if you make sure your heart is full, if you're self -full by taking the time to
fulfill your needs, you'll be happier.
Happy people are nicer, kinder, more giving, more open to others. You'll feel more
loving, willing to trust, enjoy. You'll be able to celebrate other people. You'll
actually look for the good in yourself and others and as a result, you'll have a
better relationship with yourself and with the ones you love. And finally, and I'll
close with number six here, Living self -full makes you work better and more creative
in whatever it is that your work is. When you feel happy, you're the most
passionate and enthusiastic, whatever you do. When you have fun creating, chances are
people will have fun consuming. I kind of thought that was cool when I said that.
When you have fun creating, chances are people will have fun consuming. You create
the best products, provide the best services. People feel that they get more value,
right? And perhaps you'll share more or you'll sell more. But my point is this,
compare this to doing something that you think you should do. A half -hearted attempt
isn't interesting, thrilling, inspiring or valuable for most people. So when you make
sure that you are living a self -ful life, others benefit more from your life,
your efforts, and your talents as well. Though some might disagree and I'm completely
okay with them disagreeing, I firmly believe that loving yourself and keeping yourself
so full is an unselfish act because it leads to a more productive life for you and
for those that you love. For you first and then for those that you love. Taking
care of yourself is one of the best gifts you can give to others It's it is
possible for every single person to love themselves But it's actually up to the
individual to make it happen the brilliance of Toni Morrison Reminds me of this
quote that she put out to the world. You are your best thing Imagine adding self
full to the mix. I'm so grateful you shared this time with me. Thank you.