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Kamini Wood works with high achievers on letting go of stress, overwhelm and anxiety that comes with trying to do everything, and trying to do it all perfectly
Voiceover: [00:00:00] Rise Up Live Joy Your Way from emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness. Coach Kamini Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit. Through these small bites of self visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live, Rise Up Live Joy Your Way.
Kamini Wood: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up Live Joy Your Way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening. Thank you for taking some time to hang out here with me. And today I wanna talk about a topic that many high achievers and caregivers, leaders, parents and survivors quietly carry, but they rarely name, and it's the loneliness of being the strong one.
Uh, you know the role I'm talking about, you're the one people count on. You're the one that holds things together. The [00:01:00] one who remembers all the details or solves the problems or anticipates the needs, anticipates the thoughts, and stabilizes the entire environment without ever being asked to people tell you that you're reliable.
So they reaffirm it, right? They tell you you're capable and that you're grounded, and you're so strong and you've always got it together. And the truth is, you. Are, let's be clear. You are. But what most people don't see is that being the strong one can also feel really isolating. Um, you can feel slightly invisible and really exhausted by it.
Um, like you're kind of carrying on these two lives, right? You, you're managing your own, but then you're also managing everyone else's. So today I would just wanna really talk about. And talk to the people who are feeling tired of holding it all together. The people who know how to support everyone, but they rarely receive that support and return, and they kind of feel isolated from it, right?
The people who look resilient on the outside, but inside they feel very alone in their own emotional world. So we're gonna explore why this role [00:02:00] develops and how it can impact your nervous system and your relationships, what the cost is to you, and what it looks like when you try to. Re-pattern this role without abandoning your identity or your values or your strengths.
So first, let's just ask that question. How do we even become the strong one? Because being the strong one is rarely intentional. Most of the time, this role starts forming long before you realize that that's the role that you have taken on, or that's the role that you're playing. Some people become the strong one in their childhood.
Maybe the adults around you were overwhelmed or they were unpredictable or really stressed out, or maybe they were even emotionally unavailable. And so you learned early that your feelings had to take a back seat in order to keep the peace, or maybe you became the helper or the responsible one, or the overachiever.
Or maybe even the emotional anchor for everybody. And then for others, the strength formed through trauma or instability. Uh, when life hits us [00:03:00] with a loss or chaos, a responsibility too early in life, that strength becomes a necessity. You have to learn how to become self-reliant. You learn to solve problems quickly.
You learn to anticipate danger, and you learn to stay composed because falling apart was not an option. So for many high achievers, strength becomes tied to. To one's identity, and you get praised for being the dependable one. You're awarded for being the calm one. You're valued for being. Constantly composed, you know, the world and society is applauding this version of you.
Um, the version of you who doesn't say that you need anything. So over time, strength becomes this role. You don't even question, you don't ask for help, you don't show vulnerability easily, and you don't express your own needs. You don't wanna inconvenience anyone. So the strong one is who you become, and you're also expected to continue to be the strong one.
But even the strong one has limits, right? Even those of us who show up with having it all together, we have our [00:04:00] limits. There's a capacity to how much we can carry. And people who rely on you often see your capability, but they forget that you're also a human being. They forget that. You're gonna have feelings and you're gonna get tired too, and they see what you do, but not what it's costing you to do that.
So they see you show up calm, but they don't know what's happening internally and they see that you're showing up with all these solutions, but they don't. Know that maybe inside you've got a whole bunch of self-doubt creeping in and circling in those thoughts, and they see your steadiness, but they don't see that you're also really tired.
Being the strong one means that you're absorbing other people's emotions. You're maybe the one who's mediating the conflict. You're handling the logistics, you're organizing the chaos. You remember all the details all the time, and you show up even when you're exhausted. You take care of everyone else, even.
You've forgotten. Take care of yourself, right? You stay calm even when you're internally super anxious because again, you've done it for [00:05:00] years. You do it so well, and people actually stop asking if you need help. They actually forget that you have feelings, and they assume that you're kind of invincible, and this isn't a conscious, malicious thing that they're doing.
They just learn to rely on your consistency, but they don't consider that you may also have limits, and what ends up happening when this. When this happens over time is that you actually become emotionally invisible. People think you're fine because you look fine. You become the safe one, the steady one, the one who never breaks underneath it.
All of all of that strength that you have. The reality again, is that you do feel deeply and just like every other human, you need rest and just like every other human, you need support too, and you need a place where your pain and feelings can exist as well. And when you don't have that place, 'cause you're constantly the one who has it all together, that can become extraordinarily lonely.
That strength that you're showing, it's not just emotional. It has a physiological cost too. When you take on the role of being the strong one, your nervous system is constantly staying in this [00:06:00] readiness mode, and so you're constantly scanning for what everyone else in the room might need. You're anticipating the challenges before they even happen.
You're constantly trying to stay composed, even when internally you've got some stuff happening. You've got your own emotions going on. You have, you're holding. Your own emotions and then other people's emotions. And so you learn to just push back your emotions because you gotta take care of everyone else.
And again, this re this actually activates a stress response in your own body. So a lot of strong people, right, quote unquote strong people, they're the ones who are gonna complain about muscle tension, chronic muscle tension, or chronic headaches or migraines or fatigue. Anxiety, uh, sometimes dressed up as numbness or anxiety actually dressed up as over-functioning and or withdrawal, right?
It can kind of have both sleeping issues, low grade resentment that's hard to to name. Like there's just this humming resentment, but they don't really know why. You know, you don't really, don't know why you're resenting and, and upset the [00:07:00] inability to ever relax, digestive issues, trouble actually communicating with other people.
'cause it's also hard for you to. Even contemplate asking for help. It's your body trying to protect you from emotional overload. So when your role is to be the steady, when your system absorbs it, when others don't, and even when you look calm on the outside, inside your body, there's all this stuff happening, all this emotional weight going on, you're carrying it, whether it's from your family, workplace, relationships, social group, it's just so much that you're carrying inside of you, and that's why.
A lot of strong people will crash out to use a, a term that a lot of kids are using these days, they have a crash out, not because they're broken, but because they've carried so much for too long without any support. So I wanna talk about, you know, what it looks like. What are some ways that you might, some.
Places in life that you might see this, right? Just to see if, if any of this resonates with you. So as an example, the reliable friend, right? You do, you show up this way where your friends call you when they're struggling, and you're the [00:08:00] one who's there to listen. You're the one who's there to comfort you, offer advice you remember.
All the details of their lives, but they forget to ask you how you're doing or they ask, but don't really listen to how you're doing. So you're needed, but you're not always seen. Or maybe you are the parent who never gets to fall apart, meaning you stay regulated for your kids. You keep the routines, you're making the meals, you're holding a safe space from an emotional perspective, right?
Keeping that emotional environment safe, but inside you're really stressed out or. You're overwhelmed. But you hide it because you gotta protect that sense of stability for every, for the family. Or maybe you're the leader at work who's, you know, holding the team together. You're absorbing the tension, you're deescalating conflict, and you're taking accountability, and people admire that strength of yours, but nobody actually checks on how you're actually doing and what your emotional load is.
Or maybe you're the partner who is trying to manage the emotional [00:09:00] climate. Maybe you're the one who stays steady in arguments. Maybe you're the one who, who's trying to apologize or make pair first, or you. You're the one who focuses on diffusing any tension, or you're the one who makes the plans. You anticipate the needs, you anticipate the thoughts, and because you're managing all of the emotional labor, people assume that you don't need support.
Maybe you're the teenager who has learned to be mature early in life. You know, you were the respo, you are, were the responsible child. You, you keep the peace. You didn't make waves, and now you struggle to express your own needs because. You're so used to holding it on pri, holding it together and keeping it private.
I offer those examples because all of those, no matter what element of life, they have, this thread, right, the strong one feels responsible for maintaining stability, even if it means costing them their emotional wellbeing. And that responsibility can be extraordinarily lonely and just heavy. So, uh. [00:10:00] How do we work through it?
Well, again, we work through it by becoming aware of what's going on. So reflecting on what is going on for you. So when did you first learn that you had to be strong? You know, what taught you that you needing help would be a burden for other people? What either you. Messages did you receive, or what experiences did you have that taught you that?
Where in your life did you feel that, um, feel the pressure to hold everything together? Or where do you feel it now where you have to hold it all together? What emotions do you hide? Because you don't wanna inconvenience other people. You know? Who in your life sees all of you, not just the strong parts, and where do you minimize your own pain or when was the last time you let someone actually support you?
What would it look like for you to soften even just a little? And what are you afraid of if you stop being the strong one? That's a big one. I offer you those questions because [00:11:00] again, if we can get curious and we can understand what's happening underneath, we're then able to shift how we're showing up and what actions we're taking.
So this goal isn't to abandon your strength. It's actually an amazing strength that you're so strong. It's beautiful. It's wonderful that you can show up for other people. It is a part of you. We're not trying to take that away. I mean, it is evidence of your resilience. It's evidence of the fact that you care for other people, uh, that you can adapt and that you have courage.
So it's not about saying don't be strong, but it is about how to make some small shifts that you don't have to be strong all of the time. So let yourself have some needs. Your strength of being strong doesn't disappear if you also have needs. It actually allows them to deepen, right? Share small truths.
You don't have to share your entire heart with everybody, but share the small micro truths, right? Just let your safe people know that. Wow, today's been, today's been a lot. It's been a lot for me, or I'm caring a lot right now. [00:12:00] Practice receiving allows somebody to help you. Even one small thing, right?
Maybe even just delegate one thing and allow them to do it for you. Because learning to receive, if you've always been the strong one, learning to receive is a muscle that you actually have to grow. And notice resentment. Notice when you have an unspoken need and let it guide you towards, you know, um.
Give it. Let, uh, give you some information, right, of where, where you might be holding onto somebody and choose one person who's your safe person. You don't need to open up to every single person. Just find that one person, one person that you feel like you can actually share what's happening and allow to set some boundaries.
Right. You don't have to eliminate being, you know, the strong one for everyone, but maybe you're not the fixture of all things all the time. You know, allow your strength to be a strength and not a self-sacrifice. Allow it to, um, not silence your needs, right? Your strength of showing up for other people can be there without you abandoning yourself.
So just ask yourself each day, what am I [00:13:00] carrying today that might not be mine? And can I release even 5% of that? If you would like to, you know, discuss how coaching could help you make this shift, because sometimes we need support as we're making shifts. Feel free to reach out to me anytime at coachwithkamini.com and until next time, stay well.
Voiceover: Thank you for listening to Rise Up Live, joy your way. For more information, Book a chat with Kamini at www.chatwithKamini.com, or visit her website at www.kaminiwood.com. You can also find Kamini on Facebook or Instagram username, it's authentic me. Thank you for listening!