Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
This podcast and community breaks the silence, shame, and fear that often surrounds sexuality, unwanted pornography use, and betrayal trauma and helps you embrace your God-given sexuality with courage compassion and connection. People just like you share their stories of recovery and forgiveness and experts teach principles, share insights, and provide real tools to help you rebuild trust and develop healthy sexuality. Ask your questions anonymously and expert therapist, Rachel Denton, will answer them and discuss practical tools to help and gain insight as to how ecclesiastical leaders can play an effective and powerful role in your healing. Join Crishelle Simons as she breaks the silence and together we can create a culture of courage, compassion, and connection.
This podcast is brought to you by Reach 10. Reach 10 is a non-profit with a mission to educate and help young adults overcome the effects of pornography and betrayal trauma and create healthy relationships with themselves and others.
Join the community at @breakingthesilence_reach10 or visit reach10.org.
We share these views to open the dialogue and educate on these tough issues and to create a healthier culture of sexuality. The opinions and views shared by the host or guests do not constitute as professional advice or services and do not necessarily reflect the views of Reach 10, and we don't guarantee the accuracy of any statements you hear. Reach 10 is not responsible for your use of information heard in this podcast. We keep learning, and invite you to join us as we build a more open, compassionate, and courageous culture.
BTS 2.15 Finding hope in the 12 steps with Kodi Maki
===
Crishelle: [00:00:00] I'm so glad you're here. If you are listening to this, you or someone you love has probably felt the pain of starting over after a relapse with pornography. You've tried willpower, porn blockers, working with church leaders, and nothing seems to stick. If that's you, Relay is a great way to do recovery differently.
It was created by my friend Chandler Rogers, who struggled with porn habits himself. Relay was built to make recovery easier by bringing you a support group and lots of self care tools all on your phone. It's anonymous, at your own pace, and way less expensive than group therapy. I've joined Relay myself and tried out their app.
I was blown away by the unique tools they have. Use the link in our show notes to try Relay for free and see how it helps you recover differently.
You're listening to Breaking the Silence, a podcast by Reach10, where we are breaking the [00:01:00] shame, silence, and fear that often surrounds sexuality, unwanted pornography use, and betrayal trauma, and helping you embrace your God given sexuality with courage, compassion, and connection. I'm your host, Chrishell Simons.
Welcome back. Oh, it has been a second and honestly, far too long. With Thanksgiving and then too many sicknesses to even name. And just, you know, flies and craziness, but I wanted to make sure that you got this episode as you go into your Christmas holiday, because sometimes Christmas is magical. I am the biggest fan of Christmas. And it is so fun to see our family and to reconnect with old people that we haven't seen in a long time. And sometimes it's also really hard and triggering and lonely and difficult.
And so I wanted to make sure you had this [00:02:00] episode. Before you go into your Christmas break. So that you can know that you're not alone and that there's people out there just like you. And so that you can have more resources and tools at your fingertips. To help you through this crazy time. I believe in you, you can do it. It's going to be a beautiful Christmas and Christmas break.
Even though the routine is all crazy and. It feels chaotic and aunt Linda's asking. How your dating life is going or why you don't have kids already or blah, blah, blah. All of the awkward questions. You belong, you are worthy. You are so loved and you are not alone.
Without listener..
I want to introduce you to my friend, Cody Mackie. Cody. And I actually served our missions together we served down in south Florida, which was just a crazy wild time and [00:03:00] so much fun. And he was actually in my very first zone, which is super fun. So we love that about Cody. He reached out to me a couple months ago and wanted to share his story in overcoming his pornography addiction. And how the 12 step program has helped him to find hope. And light in such a dark and difficult world. And if there's anything that we need in this life, it's hope.
And to know that there is hope and that we. Are not without the reach of grace and hope and light. So without further ado, Cody will you just take a second and introduce yourself to our listeners and tell us a little bit about yourself.
Kodi: Thanks for having me. My name's Cody. I'm from, well, right now it's the great white North. We just had our first snowfall. I'm in Canada. And yeah, I am a husband. I've been married for eight and a [00:04:00] half years. I've got two little boys, a three and a half year old. And I lose track.
Ten month old, I think. Yeah, ten month old. And they're, they're my light in life. They, they, they really are my pride and joy. As rowdy and rambunctious as they are. I was once like that, that too. But but yeah. I'm, a lot of my friends say that I'm a man of a million hobbies. I got a lot of things going on.
I'm a, I'm a pilot. I'm a musician. I'm an outdoorsman. That's me. And yeah, outdoor survivalists, so I help others usually young men in the young men's program to learn how to survive outside in all sorts of weather and we get some crazy weather in Canada. Yeah.
Crishelle: That is so, so great. And you're our first guest from Canada. So I'm loving this. That's great.
, are you a pilot by trade?
Kodi: No, so here in Canada, we have to have a license to fly basically anything and even a permit to fly drones. [00:05:00] And so I got what's called an ultralight pilot permit. And so I fly aircraft that weigh, well, ultralight in Canada means something then in the States. But in Canada, it's anything that weighs less than 1, 200 pounds.
And has a aeronautical stall speed of less than 45 miles an hour. so It's pretty slow flying aircraft, but a lot of fun. We call them low and slow, but it's the only way to go., and, and it's just for fun. It's another form of therapy for me. So
it's, a way when I can get off the ground and leave all my.
Trouble is behind me on the runway and they're gone when I get back.
Crishelle: Oh, that's great. I love that. I bet that it's a really different perspective up there than you get really anywhere else.
Kodi: Yeah, definitely. Especially when in the springtime, when things are starting to grow, things are green, , we have a lot of canola fields out here. So even late in the summer, [00:06:00] you take off and you have some green fields and then you have some bright yellow and you just got a whole bunch of different colors.
It's just, it's really is a pretty sight. And then the flying at the altitudes I fly at so not terribly high, I'm only maybe 500 to a thousand feet off the ground, but, it really still gives me a different perspective and it's. My slogan, slogan or motto, is I'm just a guy who would rather see the world from a different perspective.
Crishelle: I
Kodi: that can be said for my recovery, how I choose to live my life the people I choose to surround myself with. And just in general, that's how I, that's the perspective. That's the sight that I like to have
Crishelle: Yeah.
Kodi: is a higher perspective. Like it said in that one song in Prince of Egypt through, see everything through heaven's eyes,
Crishelle: Yeah, I love that.
Kodi: is increasingly difficult in this world.
But it's, it's [00:07:00] something I've been striving for.
Crishelle: Yeah, that's great. That's super great. I'm really excited to hear about how you found that in your recovery and maybe that's where we can shift is, can you tell us a little bit about how you found hope? What finally led you to the resources, the tools, the things that, that brought you hope in your journey?
Kodi: Right. So, can I, can I start with a story of how this whole, this began? So, I first viewed pornography when I was about 13 years old. And I'm 31, almost 32. So, it's been a fair bit of time, but in 2018, January 2018, My wife and I were expecting our first child she went to a city that's about five hours north of where we're living what we're living at the time.
And she went to a concert with her, with her sisters and her [00:08:00] cousin and I stayed home 'cause I had to work. But I think it was a Sunday night and she called me She already called me at 10 o'clock, you know to say good night, but this one was different.
It's midnight I was like, I already knew something was wrong and she called me and said I Miscarried miscarried our baby and she was about 12 weeks along at this point and I was like, well, are you okay? And it still hadn't hit me, I was still kind of in shock, and she was like, I'm okay, I'm, I'm surrounded by people that care about me and, you know, I'm fairly close to a hospital that I can get to if I need to.
So I was like, okay, well, I'm going to come up and I'm going to get you. And, or I'm just going to be with you. I didn't want her to have to drive another five hours home by herself. Emotional state and stuff. I wanted to be with her. And so I had a sports [00:09:00] car at the time and I got in it and. It was a time in January when there's no snow on the ground.
It's cold, but no snow. And I used every tick on it. I made it from, it's normally about an hour to hour and twenty five minute drive I made it there in about twenty eight minutes. And normally after midnight, even through the cities and everything like that, most streetlights will be just flashing amber lights. These ones turned red as I went through that small town. And so I stopped, and I very clearly heard a voice in my head, that said, turn around. And go home, or the baby is not the only thing your wife is losing tonight. And so I was like, okay. And I turned myself around, I hightailed it back home. I went the [00:10:00] speed limit back home.
anD I went straight to my mom and dad's house. They lived around the corner from us. My mom had three miscarriages herself. So I knew she would know kind of what to do. So I went there, and I walked in the door. I went upstairs to the bedroom, I knocked on the door, and I was bawling my eyes out, and my mom was already awake.
Whether she knew something was wrong, or just hadn't gone to sleep yet, I don't know. But I, she already knew what was wrong. And so my dad wakes up. And we kind of just sit there and cry together because my mom was super excited, you know, her first grand baby, and she had already started buying clothes and all these things.
And then we tell her that I tell her that we miscarried and she was, she was upset. But my, my dad's like, Oh, where's Rachel? I was like, well, she's in Edmonton with her sisters. And actually I was on my way to get her and I was told to come home and he's like, [00:11:00] okay. And he gets, immediately gets his laptop and three hours later puts me on a plane. And so that's actually where I, I wanted to get my pilot's license was on that plane. It was the second flight, so from Calgary to Edmonton which is another about two hours north of Calgary ish, but it's it was on that plane and I was just, I was tired and so I shut my eyes and I again heard a voice in my head saying, don't worry about me, dad, just take care of mom. And so I was like, that's kind of when I was like, okay, I want to get my pilot's license because I want to be up here and just. You know, talk with my Heavenly Father, talk with my, my children, talk, you know, just to be up there. And so when we had landed and I had gotten to the house, my wife was staying, , of course we embraced, we hugged for quite a lengthy period of time.
And then. [00:12:00] I got super tired and I needed to go to sleep. And so my wife hadn't slept much that night either, emotional and crying and stuff like that, pain, of course. And so we went and we had a nap together and we were cuddling and I was already at my lowest moment and I just came out and said, need your help.
I am struggling with pornography. And I got so lucky marrying this wonderful lady because she said, Okay, what do we do? We. She said, we. What do we do? Not, what do you have to do? Not, well, this is your problem. Go figure it out. She said, what do we do? I was like, well, first thing, of course, talk to your bishop. And so I did so and got started on the path, but I [00:13:00] never went to AARP yet. It wasn't until two years later and, you know, the depth of the pandemic when I got to my low point again. And we had just had our, our oldest boy, who's three and a half now. And she decided to go to the farm for a while to visit her, her dad and her, her brother.
And she, so she took the baby up and I was again at home by myself. And so I was, I was talking with a good friend of mine who actually told me about this podcast before I even knew that you hosted it. And so he's a listener and he's also one of the facilitators in the ARP that that, so he was like, and he's, he was our, our best friend, him and his wife.
We. We go, you know, to the AR, no, VRcade, we call it here, or like escape rooms and stuff. We used to go on [00:14:00] lots of double dates before the pandemic. And he was like, well, we can't obviously go to in person, but do you want to call in on zoom to this week's ARP? And
Crishelle: and that's the
Kodi: I got
hit.
Crishelle: that's the Addiction
Kodi: Yes. Addiction recovery program.
Crishelle: Yeah, I just, sometimes, sometimes all the acronyms can get very confusing. And that's the one sponsored by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints. . So the 12 step program was adapted and really in a beautiful way and incorporated a lot more scripture and the gospel and it's just a really beautiful program and that's called the addiction recovery program.
And I highly recommend it. Even just the booklet itself is an incredible resource. So okay. Keep telling us about ARP because it is great. It is. I'm so glad you
Kodi: It, it is great. And so I was like, yeah, you know what? What, what the heck I'll attend. And I, at the time I didn't think I needed it. [00:15:00] I, I was, I thought I was doing okay on my own, you know, and I think that's what a lot of us. Yeah. Yeah, recovering addicts think is, well, I'm going to try and do this myself.
I don't think I need help. But that's step one is admitting that you need the help, right? And that was the hardest part for me. And the hardest part was actually picking up my phone that day
Crishelle: hmm.
Kodi: Saturday morning at 10 a. m. hitting, hitting the zoom icon and chiming into the meeting. It's like I was being held back, but not because of some external force like Satan or anything like that.
It was my own shame and guilt. I was like, well, I know my, my best friend there. And so that's not going to be too weird. But what if I see someone else there that I know, especially someone from like my ward, you know,
Crishelle: Yeah.
Kodi: been passing [00:16:00] sacraments or, you know, helping, you know, serving in my calling. What are they going to think of me?
They see me in addiction recovery and I got super, super down on myself like, well, now I don't want to go because I don't want that experience.
Crishelle: Yeah.
Kodi: And so I texted my, my friend and I was like, I am being held back. I need you to get me in this. And so he actually sent me the link. And I was like, it took everything I had to click on that button be a part of the meeting.
And so I sat in my house, you know, we were all on, know, welfare at the time because we couldn't work. And so we were just shut in, but we still had the internet. And so we, I turned it on, I turned on Zoom, hit the link, and it was the best decision I made.
Because all of a sudden I, and guess what? I do a lot of the [00:17:00] people in there,
Crishelle: Yeah.
Kodi: but what did they say when they saw me?
Welcome.
Crishelle: Yeah.
Kodi: Right. And it was like, Oh, Hey, I, this is now turned into more of a, well, they're my brothers in, in the ward, you know, in church, but now it's, this is a brotherhood. Right. And this specific ARP is just man only solely for pornography and substance abuse, generally pornography. Addicts wanting recovery and that week was step two, which is hope
Crishelle: Mm hmm.
Kodi: And I can't imagine where i'd be if we started on any other step I needed hope that day. And yeah, and that was the start of a beautiful journey. And here we are,
, Just over three years later. It was about June, I was invited for the first time. [00:18:00] And, yeah, so, just over three years later, and I'm still
Crishelle: I'm so glad that you found hope that day and that you stuck with it and you kept going. That is such a good thing. That's such a good thing. The 12 step program is such a gift in all of its forms, honestly. And I love that it has so many different forms and can reach even more people. it is such a gift.
And so if you are not familiar with this 12 step program or you're like, I don't know if I need, you probably should check it out.
Kodi: If you have to question whether or not you need it, you need it.
Crishelle: Well
Kodi: That's what my best friend told me. If you think that you need it, or even if you think that you don't need it, that's when you need it the most. And he was right.
Crishelle: my mom, this is going back in my history, my mom handed me the 12 step, the ARP book when I was like somewhere between 12 and 14. It was, it was after I had [00:19:00] walked in on my dad relapsing and pornography and thought that the world was ending and it was just really hard.
And, and I was like, whatever, mom, I don't need this. But she just, said, this will teach you more about the atonement of Jesus Christ. You walking through this and anything that you want to change about your life will teach you more about the atonement of Jesus Christ and about his grace and mercy than anything else will.
And you know, I don't know if that's like. An absolute truth. I'm sure there's a lot of things that will teach you about the atonement of Jesus Christ But for me at that time, it really did help me to start having to to bring in light and healing in my life in in forgiving my dad and changing some things about myself that I And changing some behaviors about me that I didn't love that.
I wanted to change and and it really helped me realize that The Addiction Recovery Program isn't just for addiction. It, it is for anyone who really wants to change [00:20:00] something in their life. And,
and so, yes. I I love what you said.
Kodi: It's a tool that not a lot of people utilize and it's there. And if you're a member of the church and you have the gospel library on your phone, it's literally in the life help section, right at the top middle, there's the addiction recovery. And even my wife has the the family and spouse support manual that she goes through
and I'll say it again.
I got lucky with this woman like she is absolutely amazing and the fact that she has been so supportive in my recovery and Is has been such a blessing to me because she's pushing me to get better I know some people in my in my particular arp group that are that their spouses were like no, this is you problem don't come back until it's dealt with
Crishelle: yeah.
Kodi: and unfortunately that happened and Whether or not [00:21:00] that the spouse or family member wants to get help for to deal with Supporting to deal with that betrayal and stuff like that.
It's harder for others than it is For some, and that is where reading through those manuals or even going to a specific group can be super beneficial to those individuals is to learn how they can apply the Atonement in their lives, because it's not just for repentance. This, you know, our Savior Jesus Christ suffered for everything.
Crishelle: Right.
Kodi: our, not just for our, the sins that we're going to commit. He suffered for our pain, our everything that we deal with on a day to day basis. He has suffered for it. He has atoned for my wife's miscarriage. He said in the scriptures that all things shall be made right. Right. And so we're living on that, that fact and that hope that [00:22:00] one day, you know, my wife will be able to hold her, our little child in her arms.
And, you know, but no, going to ARP has definitely been the best decision I've ever made. And I will be honest about this about a year ago, we bought a house and we're, there's lots of rentals and Saturday mornings or Saturdays in general were my only days to get the house ready. And at this time I was a good year into recovery and I was doing really good.
I had no relapses. I had, you know, I, I felt like I was on the straight and narrow and I was like, well, I've got to get this house ready to move in in less than a month. So I'm going to skip ARP. And work on my house.
Crishelle: Yeah. Mm-Hmm?
Kodi: I didn't go to ARP for a year. And guess what happened? I relapsed.
Crishelle: Yeah.
Kodi: I didn't fill my [00:23:00] life with that spirit that I needed, that hope, that light, I let the darkness fill my soul and I ended up lying to my wife and to my friends saying that I was doing good when in fact I was.
Crishelle: Yeah,
Kodi: And then it was my best friend again, that says, Hey, you want to come, come to ARP with me? And I was like, yeah, sure. And so I went again and I was the first one there on Saturday morning at 10 o'clock. And this was just a few months ago. So even after I reached out to you that I wanted to be a part of this, um, and so I was the first one there.
And then the second one there was my best friend. And. Just being in that building, it just filled me with the Spirit, because I knew I should be there.
Crishelle: yeah,
Kodi: And I saw him, and I immediately went up to him and gave him a hug. And I was like, thank you for getting me back here. The meeting hadn't started yet, but I was [00:24:00] like, I need to be here. And another interesting experience that happened for you listeners that are members of the Church, you go to the Temple, right? My first time attending the Temple. As it during recovery was one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had,
Crishelle: yeah,
Kodi: because my bishop gave me my temple recommend back and he says, use it and use it as much as you can.
Crishelle: yeah.
Kodi: Right. And so I was like, okay, I'm, I'm gung ho, I'm going to the temple, you know? And so we went to the temple and we went with my best friend and his wife and my wife and we walk up to those front doors and I can literally feel someone pulling at my belt You're not worthy to go in those doors. So don't even try, you know, and during the session, I was in physical pain. I was in a war with myself, you know, [00:25:00] like Enos said, I was battling with my, with my spirit. And I was like, I shouldn't be here. I should be with, I should be here, but. I shouldn't be here, you know, and it was when we walked through the veil into the celestial room and I don't know if it was divine intervention, I like to think so, but generally the veil worker won't give you a hug, but he pulled me through and I was, I had tears in my eyes and he just gave me, he gave me the biggest hug I've ever received
Crishelle: Yeah.
Kodi: and I just sat there for a second.
I literally felt like I had the savior's arms wrapped around me.
Crishelle: Yeah.
Kodi: I, I go in and I sit myself down because I had no strength left up. I sit down and my friend comes through the veil and he sees me and he comes over. He's like, are you doing okay? He was like, you did not look okay during the session. I was like, I wasn't, [00:26:00] but I am now.
Crishelle: Yeah,
Kodi: And it was, yeah, it was one of the most spiritual experiences I've ever had. And yeah, and I, I, I almost yearn for those experiences now whenever I go to the temple, but it's been, it was, it was the most amazing experience that I've had in the temple since I received my
Crishelle: yeah, that's beautiful. Thanks so much for sharing Cody. I, I think what I love most about that is I feel like that story, especially with the temple and you going back and serving is, is you realizing that, and, and hopefully I'm not putting words in your mouth or in your experience, but realizing that It's because of him.
It's because of the Savior that you are worthy, right? Like,
like, no one, no one walking through those doors is worthy on their own merits. But because of him, because of his grace, We [00:27:00] are made worthy. We are made clean. We, we can have that hope. I, I love your story about ARP and even the part in your story where you had that year of stepping away from your routine and the things that you were doing to nourish your recovery.
And I think that is so real for every single one of us. Where we, or we get into a routine. We get into the, the things that we want to be building and growing in our lives and, and working towards. We get into our groove and then we're like, Oh yeah, we're doing good. And we get complacent. And then, and, and it's always coming back to, to those same things and in growing and, and nourishing and, and finding hope by creating space for.
God to work in our lives. Cody, such a beautiful story. What do you feel like in your experience has been [00:28:00] like the driving, the driving force in wanting and motivating your change?
Kodi: But there's a couple reasons, and the biggest one lately, now that my, my three and a half year old, he's, you know, walking, talking, he can open doors by himself, is, I dread the day, I dreaded the day, that my son walked in on me, Relapsing or viewing
Crishelle: Yeah.
Kodi: we'll say acting out. And it, it makes me shudder because not only will he see what his dad is doing,
Crishelle: Right.
Kodi: I know that my marriage will most likely be over and.
You know, that I've emotionally scarred my children, you know so I don't even want to think about that because that is a reality that some, like, even yourself, you walked in [00:29:00] and your father relapsing, and I can't imagine what that would have been like. So I never want that to happen to me. And so that's where I try and keep that hope.
in my house, keep the spirit in my house. And every night when we read the scriptures and we go through the come follow me program which is a series of scriptures every night that we break up and read every night. And then our stake has issued a challenge to also read the Book of Mormon for at least five minutes every night.
And so we do that. And then, um, what also I've been doing this Time after I started coming back to, to addiction recovery program is, and what I didn't do the last time is I've actually dived into the scriptures a lot more
Crishelle: Yeah.
Kodi: me serving a Spanish mission. I was like, well, I can still speak Spanish really well and I can still read it and I can still understand it and I can even, it's almost like I [00:30:00] flip a switch and I start thinking in Spanish and so I turn on, I don't read very well is the only issue.
And so I turn on the Book of Mormon, or just the scriptures in general, in Spanish. And it's been a couple months since I've come back, and I'm already on my second run through.
Crishelle: That's awesome.
Kodi: And I've also been going through each of the, this week's Don't Follow Me group in, in Spanish. And what's really interesting is it's making me think a lot deeper about the scriptures because the translation is different.
Crishelle: Yeah.
Kodi: I can't remember if you served a Spanish
Crishelle: I didn't. I was one of the few English.
Kodi: Yeah, very few. Yeah, I think generally you are, you were called Spanish, but if you served English, then
Crishelle: Right. And there were a few of us that were just called English to South Florida and I was one of them.
Kodi: yeah, but I [00:31:00] served Spanish and I got I fell in love with the Spanish people and for those of you who the listeners know about South Florida, there's a lot of Cubans and I don't think there's a people more ready. for the gospel of Jesus Christ than the, than Cuban people. They've lived a hard life under the, you know, the
Crishelle: Life in Cuba
Kodi: Castro.
It was tough. It still is tough.
Crishelle: Yeah.
Kodi: can't find a car that's newer than 1960, right? Like, it's, it's, it's hard life. And so they come to America looking for a better life. And they, a lot of them, we tried to, we tried to bring that good life to them and bring the good word of Jesus Christ to them. To their lives and we were fortunate enough to to influence a lot of a lot of those people and that has also been a driving [00:32:00] force to my recovery is remembering those people that I preached, you know, the law of chastity, and then it's kind of like in my back in the back of my head.
Well, how can you preach something if you're not living it? Right? Practice what you preach. And, in my ward now, I'm in the Sunday School Presidency, and so, I sit in a lot on the youth classes, and a lot of times, when they're talking about a certain group of scriptures in the Come Follow Me program that talk a little bit about the the law of chastity or something close to it I kind of shudder in the corner a little bit. But now it's almost like I've opened up about it
and,
When I was still in young men's I was still in young men's even after COVID hit.
Crishelle: Mm
Kodi: so obviously there were no activities or anything like that. But occasionally I would put together a spiritual thought and I would send it to the young men and say, Hey.
And then a lot of those were [00:33:00] around the time before I started coming to recovery. And so it would be something along those lines, because the youth have it hard as well.
Crishelle: Yeah.
Kodi: Pornography is everywhere,
Crishelle: Mm
Kodi: and it's, it's free, it's on your phone, it's everywhere. And that's the hard part, is turning that switch off, right?
And that's also been the hardest part for me in recovery, is turning off the switch from pornography style sex and sexuality to healthy And that's what my wife has been extremely supportive and she's just, I can't say enough about her and like Hank Smith talking about his wife when I'm talking about mine, you know, I adore the woman, you know, but She, she has been extremely supportive in my recovery and it's amazing how much closer we are now, me going through the recovery [00:34:00] program than we were before. I thought we were good before, but we are so much closer now and I just think it's, you know, the Atonement working on both of us.
Crishelle: Yeah.
Kodi: of course, I feel a lot more worthy to call myself her husband. A lot more worthy of her. And I don't know how she feels on the other side. You'll, you'll get to hear about it soon,
Crishelle: Yes. Mm
Kodi: yeah. I can't say enough about the addiction recovery program. I regret that year that I decided not to go.
Crishelle: hmm,
Kodi: It's, they're still doing it over Zoom. I could have put these earbuds in, turned it on on my phone, and just, you know, even listened in. I could have done that, but I chose not
to, right? I could have still worked on my house, done the, you know, the flooring or baseboards while listening, listening in, and still got that boost, but I chose not to. And so I let that darkness fill my, my soul, and then, [00:35:00] yeah, it just enveloped me. And then, my friend who was still holding the flashlight, You know, I saw the light at the end of the darkness, you know. Lehi, to his family, come, or take to the goodness, you know. And, yeah, I swear that, that friendship was made in heaven, you know.
Cause I, I, I need him. Like, he's been
Crishelle: yeah,
Kodi: Such a blessing in my life to keep me going and actually he calls me almost every night and He's kind of like if you know the AA program alcoholics anonymous They have a sponsored program
Crishelle: yeah,
Kodi: so it's like a call before you fall or reach out before you act out kind of system.
And so he was, he was kind of that person to me before because he was someone I trusted. And so I would reach out to him and say, Hey, I'm, I'm, I'm struggling. And now it's almost every night he calls me and say. Hey, how are things going? [00:36:00] And we would talk for a little bit. He's interested in some of the things that I'm interested in.
So we talk about that a little bit. And then we kind of do, you probably remember this from the mission, but that like companionship inventory.
Crishelle: yeah, mm
Kodi: that we do kind of like that same thing, how, like, I can't remember what we called it, but to me it's almost like a
Crishelle: Like a check
Kodi: like I could check in, like a
Crishelle: and come
Kodi: inventory almost.
That's not, not a good, not a good word for it, but
Crishelle: yeah, yeah, yeah,
Kodi: Yeah,
Crishelle: yeah, yeah.
Kodi: but it's, it's a good way for me to really evaluate how I'm doing. And there's a step in the recovery program, step four, which it's right. A thoughtful and meaningful inventory about yourself, right? And that's one of the steps I struggled with the most because I didn't want to see everything I struggle with. I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to read it. I didn't want to. But then there's another part that says, [00:37:00] if you don't want your posterity to see it or anything like that, burn it. It's almost like a ceremony to yourself of everything you're letting go, And so I haven't done that yet, and I'm still making my inventory.
It's been three years of me trying to make it, but it's, it's really showed me a lot of the things that I can be better at. And so those are the things I bring up with my, when my friend calls on some of the things that I can be better at tomorrow. Then I was today, you know, today I was resentful against this person for cutting me off in traffic, you know, or a lot of those kind of things, you know, I was kind of resentful against my son because he's being so darn loud, you know, kids are loud, they're going to be loud.
And so I have to, I have to let go of my own pride because a lot of that is my own pride saying, well, I just want to peace and quiet when you have kids, there's no such thing as peace and quiet. And when it is quiet, it's dangerous. [00:38:00] It can be.
Crishelle: I love this so much and I love that you're sharing so many of the different tools and and resources and support systems that you've built. throughout the last couple of years as you've worked on your recovery. You mentioned your, the sponsor relationship almost, but your friendship with, with your buddy that first invited you to ARP.
That is, that is so great. Oh, we need, the world needs more friendships like that. That is really beautiful. You also, you also mentioned, and I love this, that you were like, wow, I need to reframe my view of sexuality. I need to totally reframe and, and understand this in a different light. And, and I love that you're learning about that.
And I also love that you mentioned. The need to, to really inventory your life and really look at it honestly, and work on the things that you actually want to build, as opposed to continuing to just, [00:39:00] like, go down the path that you're going. And so, this has been such a beautiful discussion, Cody, and I, I'm so grateful that you're willing to break the silence and come and share your story with us and, and share your experience and how you have found hope in recovery.
Is there anything else as maybe we wrap up this and we're going to have you back with your wife, which I'm so excited about, but is there anything else you want to share maybe to someone who's nervous or doesn't feel like there is hope for them? What would you tell them right now?
Kodi: Wow. Well, I was there. I had no hope. And I knew I needed the help. I just didn't know how to look for it. So if you're struggling, just reach out to someone you trust. It could be your best friend, like me. It could be your [00:40:00] wife, your brother, sister, mom, dad. Someone you trust. And let them know what's going on in your life, and then you can even do that written and fearless moral inventory of yourself and think of where you need to go from there.
And a lot of times in, in the program, in the sharing portion, at the end of every meeting we have a sharing portion. I say, Addiction recovery isn't light switch you can turn on and off. You're not good one day and then it's gone, you're fine, right? That's what I, this last year, you know, that's kind of what was in my head.
It's more like a dimmer switch. You can't turn off those thoughts. Once they're in your head, they're there, right? But, it's a dimmer switch. We don't have control of that dimmer switch. The Lord does. The more we rely on Him and access His Atonement and apply it in our lives, the more He's going to turn down that [00:41:00] switch and turn on the other one that fills our life with all the blessings that we need.
Crishelle: Beautifully said. A beautiful testimony. Thank you so much, Cody. I'm so grateful for your willingness to share and for reaching out to break the silence. If you have been touched by Cody's story, or you're just feeling the desire to share your story and break the silence, please reach out to me.
Slide into my DMS. Email me at hello, rich ten.org. I love hearing your stories. Your story is worth sharing. And we'll inspire so much hope.
Crishelle: Another great resource for you is on our website.
We have a page specifically devoted to helping you find a 12 step program that fits what you're looking for to her. So many different options out there. , one of my favorites being our sponsor relay. Which is an online group based recovery program [00:42:00] that is available anytime you need right on your phone.
I love really, I love what they are doing. They connect you with a group within five minutes of signing up and you are ready to go with a support group. And with. Tons of tools and the therapist backed resources to help you when you are feeling alone or in crisis and when you just need a little bit more support.
Check really out and start a free trial with the link in our show notes
There are thousands of 12 step programs within your reach. Many of them being free and just waiting with open arms to welcome you into their groups. The page on our website is dedicated to helping you find the right resource for you. Check it out and get connected with a group today. You are not alone and there's so much hope and help for you right now. Oh, thank you so much for being here. Thanks for breaking the silence with us . And the special things to [00:43:00] everyone who has dropped down and left us five stars and a review I read and cherish every single one. I love your feedback.
It matters so much to me. As we were wrapping up the season and getting ready for season three, I cherish your feedback and it helps us shape the show for the future. Have a beautiful day listener. You're amazing. Keep breaking the silence.
Thank you for listening to Breaking the Silence by Reach 10. Break the silence and help us create a culture of courage and compassion by sharing what you learned today with someone you love. Help us reach more people by rating and reviewing us on iTunes or liking and leaving a comment on YouTube. Be sure to subscribe so you don't miss any episodes.
Reach 10 is a non profit. You can help support this podcast by donating on our website and following us on social media. We share these views to open the dialogue and educate on these tough issues and to create a [00:44:00] healthier culture of sexuality. The opinions and views shared by the host or guests Do not constitute as professional advice or services, and do not necessarily reflect the views of Reach 10.
We do not guarantee the accuracy of any statements you hear. Reach 10 is not responsible for your use of information heard in this podcast. We keep learning and invite you to join us as we build a more open, compassionate, and courageous culture. Keep breaking the silence.