Solitude: Not A Synonym For Loneliness

There have been many occasions in my life where I’ve felt lonely. Some of these times I remember as incredibly painful; other times, I’ve relished in my solitude.

During some periods, I’ve even forced myself into seclusion, which comes easily to me as an introvert.

One thing all of these solo experiences have taught me is that it’s okay to be alone. In fact, with solitude, there’s a lot of self-growth to be had.

In this podcast I want to share the value of solitude, yet also distinguish it from being alone or feeling lonely hence the title: Solitude: Not a Synonym for Loneliness

I’ll chat about solitudes benefits, why some folks fear solitude, and of course I’ll share my experiences with solitude over my lifetime.

What is Conversations with Thomas?

Conversations With Thomas is a podcast where humor, heart, and a touch of sass collide. Hosted by Thomas Kevin Dolan, each episode explores raw, real topics like self-compassion, healing, and the delightful mess of being human. As the seventh of ten kids, Thomas didn’t always have a voice—now he’s sharing it with you, and trust us, you’ll want to hear this.

Expect vulnerability, laughs, and thought-provoking questions that dive into subjects most people avoid (because, let's face it, some topics just need to be tackled). With a mix of wit and wisdom, Thomas takes you on a journey where you might cry, you might laugh, and you’ll definitely feel a little more connected to yourself and the world.

New episodes drop every 2nd and 4th Monday. Tune in for a dose of honesty, heart, and just the right amount of quirky.

Welcome, it's Thomas, or as we say here in Hawaii, and I'll take from the cultural
olelo, which is the Hawaiian language. Welcome is noted as ii komo mai, so welcome.
My pronouns are he and him, and thank you for taking the time to join me. This
podcast is being recorded in Honolulu, Hawaii. I acknowledge that the unceded land or
aina in which I live is called Kakako. It's a part of a larger territory recognized
by Kanakamali or Indigenous Hawaiians. I'm honored and grateful, as is my husband,
to be a guest of the Hawaiian Kingdom. There have been many occasions in my life
where I've felt lonely. Some of these times I remember as incredibly painful.
Other times, I've relished the solitude. During some periods,
I've even found myself in seclusion, which comes easily to me as an introvert. One
thing all of these solo experiences have taught me is that it's okay to be alone.
In fact, with solitude, there's a lot of self -growth to be had.
In this podcast, I want to share the value of solitude, yet also distinguish it
from being alone or feeling lonely, hence the title solitude,
not a synonym for loneliness. I'll chat about the benefits of solitude, why some
folks fear solitude, and over parts of my lifetime.
This episode is rich and full. So let's go ahead and dive in.
In today's day and age, we're expected to be social creatures. With the rise of
instant messaging and social media, it's easy and it's also addicting to stay
connected all the time. This doesn't mean it's healthy. In fact,
I've come to realize that solitude can be incredibly rewarding in a number of ways.
So let's talk about the benefits of solitude.
Many nights of solitude have brought me epiphany moments, ones where I've figured out
what I actually want to do with my life, ones where I've realized my spiritual
path, and ones that have fueled new, exciting, creative adventures for myself.
In fact, my choice to come out to the world was born out of a time of solitude.
Many authors, artists, musicians, and philosophers have attributed their best work to
time spent in solitude. Aldous Huxley once said, the more powerful and original a
mind, the more it will incline towards the religion of solitude.
I feel we need time alone because, one, we can gain a deeper sense of self
-knowledge when we are alone and can see what is important for us as well as what
we need. The second, we are better able to acknowledge our lengths and our deep
desires when nothing external, such as other people's thoughts, perceptions,
or expectation, stands in our way. The third would be we get space to quietly
reflect and reassess, finding the courage to ask ourselves the questions that actually
truly matter. Number four in this list. We can recuperate,
we can recharge, especially necessary for us introverts. When we're alone,
which allows us to be more present without this one we choose to socialize. And
finally, number five, we can tap into our intuition and learn to trust ourselves
with our own decision making. By no means am I encouraging isolation?
It's not healthy to spend all of your time alone. However, I do want to challenge
those feelings of discomfort that often arise when thinking of solitude. So why are
many people fearful of solitude? I remember I was one of those people.
I was terrified of solitude. I was terrified to be in my own company. I was
terrified to be alone. There's no denying that for some, the idea of spending a day
alone without the interaction is an appealing whatsoever. And I wondered, why is
this? Being busy, out and about with others, is a good distraction technique.
I spent a long time in my life using that technique. When we're surrounded by
people, engaged in activity, we actually create not having time to face ourselves or
our feelings. Did I mention distraction?
Are you the type of person who has to be on the phone with others when walking to
the store? Or perhaps you feel a strong sense of disconnection after a few hours of
no in -person interaction. Either way, remember, it's okay and you're not alone.
Many people fear solitude because it's simply unfamiliar. We don't know what will
happen when we finally face ourselves and are left alone with our own thoughts and
feelings. So classically in our humanity, we avoid. But when we avoid being alone,
we miss out on the growth, the healing, and the creative inspiration that ultimately
I think solitude can facilitate. So how do we move away from a place of fear when
thinking about solitude to embracing its possibilities? Let me share my own experience
of solitude. As a child, as a little boy, with a superpower of high sensitivity
amongst other superpowers. I was often content spending time alone, thinking, writing,
exploring the great outdoors. And for a little boy, that really meant the
neighborhood that I grew up in. During my school years, I leaned into spending time
with others. I loved school, but I grew a tad neglectful of my time with myself.
As I grew the pressures of friendship groups, being sociable and even normal,
which in my day meant being straight, all took over my love for being alone.
By the time I'd leave university and step into the working world, I was so
accustomed to spending time surrounded by people, I actually barely knew how I was
anymore. Coupled with confusion surrounding my career, entering a marriage as as a
closeted gay man, other bungled relationships, certainly trauma for my childhood.
I found myself in my mid to late twenties reaching literally a pit of despair.
I felt like the universe was forcing me into solitude. I found myself alone in one
of the darkest periods of my life. And it led to what I believed at the time was
an inescapable depression. I'd lock myself away in my bedroom. I had lots of
friends, but I was terrified to share my truth with them. I was afraid they'd judge
me not like me or actually stop loving me. I cried a lot,
and I continually isolated myself. I literally hated the feeling of being alone.
But in hindsight, I needed solitude.
Little did I know that I was about to discover something magical. My inner strength
and an infant love of the universe.
Here's what solitude brought into my life. My story of the most profound period of
solitude in my life isn't necessarily a pleasant one, but I now recognize it as a
turning point, a literal pivot in my life. When I hit rock bottom and was feeling
suicidal, I was overwhelmed with this inner strength that seemed to come from
nowhere.
The strength urged me to listen to what solitude was trying to teach me and help
me reconnect with the essence of who I really am, my true self.
I had a new determination to pull myself out of my current state of despair and
step into new territory. Unbeknownst to me, I was about to enhance my spiritual
journey and discover peace. And a caveat to this, I didn't do this by myself.
This was done part with a professional therapist. Back then, I began a journey with
a coach. It was a prosperity coach. I've talked about that in a previous podcast,
so I didn't do this alone. And I'm not espousing that you necessarily do this by
yourself either.
But specifically, it was during a meditation session late one night that I felt a
warmth and a deep love actually within me. I knew that there was a way.
I really felt there was a way out of my sadness. That being alone had the
potential to teach me more than actually any book could. In the days following my
realization and connection with the power that I actually still can't describe to
this day, there isn't a word to describe it. I gained the courage to actually step
outside of my apartment.
I started noticing things around me. On my solo walks that I took in nature,
I began to see the vividness of nature's colors. I began to really hear and listen
to the soothing sound of the ocean and actually the tangible beauty that was
everywhere around me. I noticed...
five years of my life not being in relationship with another man.
I spent five years in relationship with myself and obviously not always in solitude
but this commitment to being with Thomas was really important to me without the
distraction of being with somebody else. Let me share a few ideas on how to embrace
solitude for yourself. Even if you live with family, or your partner,
or you have a roommate, I'm always wanting to remind you that there's an opportunity
to implement some intentional solitude time. For the most experienced spiritual folk,
silence and solitude go hand in hand. However, for the sake of customizing yourself
to the intentional practice of solitude, you can actually start with what I call the
basics. Kind of three practices, if you will, that may heighten your solitude time.
And I don't think that these will be new for you. The first, of course, is
meditation, right? That meditating in solitude can be an extraordinary experience.
It enhances your ability to be present as you focus on being. Seating and silence
and stillness can also decrease your stress, it can boost your mental health, it can
increase your self -awareness, it can help you foster self - acceptance, and of course
deepen your own sense of self -compassion, even self -empathy, certainly self -love.
For me meditation has been an ongoing practice, though not always consistent, that
has brought about a deeper connection with myself and the universe. And I shared in
a previous podcast that I'd spent, Vipassana is my form of meditation.
This idea of just kind of noticing breath kind of between your nose and your upper
lip. It is described as, I believe it was the Buddha's form of meditation,
but it's described as being a brutal form of meditation because in it you're not
supposed to move and of course I don't ascribe to that but nonetheless it really
taught me. I spent 11 days in noble silence in the pine forests of British
Columbia. Meditation really helped me breathe into partnering with solitude.
Number two, this notion of journaling. And I'm not great at this but I want to
spouse it for you because it's a great beginning point to some of the benefits.
Daily writing is a wonderful practice to enhance your solitude because writing leads
to self -awareness. It leads to personal insights and it facilitates creativity because
inspiration often arises during these quiet moments of reflection. Writing allows you
to listen to the quiet voice inside your head or heart And it can encourage you to
ask yourself questions about what you truly want. I gain creative insights and feel
attuned to my emotions when I actually take the time to relate. The third I'm going
to suggest is this notion of, and this certainly would not be a surprise for you,
is this idea of connecting with nature.
Taking a meditative walk in nature is so soothing for the soul, and it is a
guaranteed way to actually perk up your mood. It may also lead to a greater sense
of spiritual connection as you consider the larger, powerful natural force behind
everything within the universe. A lot of my inner happiness is dependent on my time
I spend alone indoors and certainly outdoors. I find it my most peaceful when
walking, especially by the ocean, both here in Honolulu and also in beautiful
Vancouver, Canada. However you choose to practice solitude, I want to encourage you
to do the following. The first is this one's tough. I took a long time becoming a
master and I say that with much humility because there are times where I'm the
furthest thing from a master when it comes to this, but the first is this idea of
getting rid of distractions.
label if you're just distracting yourself, instead lean into spending time on your
own and what the space can actually teach you. The second makes all the two the
priority. Everyone has the time to dedicate to themselves. Everyone has the time to
dedicate to themselves. Whether they make that choice is a whole other podcast. even
if it feels uncomfortable or you feel strange rejecting a social invitation,
don't make excuses to avoid being with yourself. The more comfortable you get with
spending time doing things you love and reconnecting with yourself,
the more you connect,
the more you feel connected to the Right that that inverse do the work inside. It's
much easier to do the work outside and Of course self -love comes from solitude and
with this love you can actually give more to those you want to share with So I
want to challenge you to intentionally spend time alone it probably won't feel great
the first time and You're likely to look for a way out of it like I did on many
many occasions But spending time alone is one of the greatest gifts you can actually
give yourself. There is so much self -growth to be had when you spend time
nourishing the relationship you have with yourself. Beat poet Gary Snyder writes this,
"There are two things that are really educational. One is being with a bunch of
really smart people. The other is being all by yourself." So Let's talk about
Snyder's statement, the beauty and benefit of being all by yourself. I think that's
what I think of as solitude. More than ever in the stressful state of the world in
which we're living and working, solitude is an essential skill to have as we try to
make our way effectively through the world. I bumped into a bit of wisdom from
psychology today that contrasts the And this is really good, and I want to invite
you to really listen here, really listen here.
Loneliness is marked by a sense of isolation. Solitude on the other hand is a state
of being alone without being lonely and can lead to self -awareness.
Isn't that great? Loneliness is marked by a sense of isolation. Solitude on the
other hand is a state of Being alone without being lonely and can lead to self
-awareness.
Solitude is such an essential part of my existence that I can't imagine trying to
manage effectively without regularly leaning into solitude,
kind of regular rounds of solitude, if you will.
Decades ago, while creating a new practice of being on my own. I would uncomfortably
tell some of my dearest friends after receiving an invitation to a dinner or a
party that I needed alone time. Solitude was beckoning.
A number of years ago, my dear friend of close to 30 years told me she needed to
apologize for something she had said decades ago. She said to me, "Do you remember
me telling you to f off when you told me you needed alone time?
She'd go on to say, "I mocked you thinking who the f needed alone time." And then
she told me that I gently nodded and I realized my body still held the shame I
took on when she told me that. She'd go on to say how sorry she was because of
her comments and that she had discovered that it was clearly about her own fear at
the time of actually being on her own, of creating her own sense of alone time.
She thanked me for teaching her the value of alone time and told me she now uses
the same expression with her friends when she's beckoned by solitude,
a beautiful at healing for us in our relationship as friends, and a realization that
often times that thing that we choose to be and we share with friends, we don't
realize that we're being a teacher. And I say that with a lot of great humility.
But more importantly, I often don't realize how it is that somebody might take on
the role of a student when I simply share something that actually works for me in
my lifetime, alone time.
very, very important for me. And of course, I would suggest that solitude is
essential for anyone who's working to make a great life for themselves. Because
ultimately, if you won't sit quietly and supportably with ourselves, it's hard,
if not impossible, to really do the same for others in our lives.
Ultimately, it's about being at peace within ourselves.
If you doubt me but you're up for a bit of subparity, you can always fall back
and write Jean -Paul Sarté's tongue -in -cheek statement. This one kind of zinged me
when I found it. If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company.
Solitude once we settle into it is a wonderful thing. It creates spiritual
sustenance. It's our opportunity for long -ignored thoughts and feelings to be engaged,
and that would probably be the reason I didn't want solitude, because I didn't want
to bring those long -ignored thoughts and feelings to bear. I didn't want to do
that.
Solitude, it's a chance to quietly acknowledge fears that linger below the surface,
unacknowledged, that actually weaken our emotional foundations.
Thoreau asserted this. Yes, Thoreau asserted this. "I have never found a companion
that was so companiable as solitude. I found that a regular slice of solitude is as
important as my regular exercise routine. Solitude works,
I've come to believe, a bit like the equalization of pressure in an enclosed area.
When we're surrounded by action and anxiety all the time, our internal distractions
and our stresses actually have nowhere to go. And trapped without no escape route.
They actually feel our heads. They feel our hearts getting louder and louder with
each passing day. We can distract ourselves for a while, but eventually our heads
will, at least figuratively, explode. Our stress levels soar.
Intentionally or not, we take out our anxiety and others. At an extreme, we actually
freak out. Drama builds builds and crises abound. By contrast, when we choose quiet,
but specifically when we choose to quiet our external environment by spending
meaningful time alone, in solitude, the pressure around us actually begins to go
down.
It is actually what makes room for stress, uncertainty, and struggle to slowly seep
out of us and into this newly emptied space around us. Isn't that cool?
It is awkward to spend time alone. Let me form that as a question. Is it awkward
to spend time alone? Of course, the answer will be different for all of us.
For some folks, and I get it, I have been there. Solitude can be really scary.
Quiet time alone for reflecting, effectively paired with the right prompts can make a
meaningful difference. Reading, talking, meditation that I've spoken about already,
listening, poetry, music, nature. Each may offer helpful and most importantly impactful
triggers or activations for us to tap into our,
our emotional depths. I would suggest that solitude will be most successful with a
bit of structure. It's too easy to get lost in the daily hustle and bustle of the
world. For many, the worse we feel, the busier we get. I'm reminded of something
Rolo May once said, and I think it's apropos here. It is an ironic habit of human
beings to run faster when they've lost their way.
Just as we won't get in shape by working out once a year, it's the same with
solitude. Remember muddy waters clear themselves through stillness, but only if we let
them settle will the truth be revealed to us. For me, solitude is a rare and
beautiful thing to seek out and appreciate. I rarely go a day without it,
but I can actually appreciate it anew every day. Let me close with this bit of
wisdom. From something I've upped into, and I think this person's handle is the moon
tarot. I love this though. Understand that healing and growing can distance you from
people he once had a bond with. And it can also bring you closer to those who
will heal and grow with you. The time between can be difficult, but there is so
much to learn in solitude.
What kept me away from solitude for the longest time, and this was my intuit
himself knowing this and my ego kept me away from it, I had this fear that I
would lose people in my life. And it wasn't I would lose them because they weren't
going into solitude, but it was just the idea that I knew that if I found the
courage to lean into being with myself, that I might, and it wasn't me being
responsible for encouraging folks to leave me because of that, but I realized now I
sourced a lot of courage to find solitude. And in fact, what ended up happening was
there were folks in my life that just naturally fell away. And it's not that I was
triumphing solitude as a way of being to everybody.
Although at times I can be this really kind of gross salesperson when I bump into
something that I think works for me and therefore I think needs to work for the
world. And I have quieted that voice. And because of that, there are more people in
my life. But be aware that there is the potential that when you lean into solitude
for you and the things that you discover, you might find some people uncomfortable
with this new way of being for you. And here's what I didn't realize at the time,
but I have now realized for myself, and I'm going to gently remind you, it was
never about me. I made it about being in my pain, in my egotistical pain. But if
it is something that they find uncomfortable with a new way of being for you that
they might not ever speak of, and you find that they actually take a step away
from you, it isn't about you. It is not about you. Continue your journey and
discovering who you are in that beautiful space of solitude. So I'm going to choose
to send you my warmest wishes, and all the good vibes as you consider or even
begin embarking upon spending and loving your time in solitude.
Thank you for being with me.
It's always helpful and so powerfully supportive if you can rate and you and share
my podcasts with family and friends, along with subscribing, of course, to
Conversations with Thomas, wherever you get your podcasts. I'm a huge proponent of
taking charge of your mental health, and that means seeking advice from professional
therapists, counselors, psychologists, physicians, and other qualified professionals.
These conversations that I have with you are meant to help you find a place of
inquiry, for you to look within. But if you're experiencing ongoing mental health
challenges, please, please, please seek support from a licensed professional. And I've
not intended anything that I share in my podcast as a replacement for any
professional advice that you're getting. Most of what I share as subject matter in
any of my podcasts is usually sourced from extraordinary insights From within,
insights from my family, from dear friends, things that I bump into on my daily
walk along life's path. And then I temper them with a breath of a healthy dose of
research. Conversations with Thomas is executive produced by me, Thomas Kevin Dolan.
It is also executive produced by my purveyor of all things, Techie, my amazing
husband, Adam Maw. And I'd love to hear from you. Please email me at conversationswt
@gmail .com, at gmail .com, excuse me, conversationswt.
The w is with, the t is Thomas. It's a bit of a funky email address,
but it's the best I could find. Conversationswt @gmail .com. I'd love to read your
feedback on my episodes. Hear your suggestions for future conversations with Thomas,
And if you're comfortable sharing the impact of these episodes, I'd be honored to
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being with me.