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Show Notes:
Picking up on last episode, this episode dives deeper into personal applications of The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Today we look at specific ways to apply love languages to meeting personal needs for building yourself up, interrupting tendencies to tear yourself down, and considerations in processing traumatic experiences and high stress exposure. This episode leans heavy on the episode before, so if you missed it go back and start there!
Episode Challenge:
· What is your love language(s)? How can you imagine applying your love language to how you process trauma/stress? How could you leverage your love language to help you interact with emotional intensity more effectively?
· Consider whether Beating the Breaking Point might be a fit to support you in filling the gaps in your training and enhancing your capacity for resilience in the face of persistent stress (choose the enhanced support experience – it’s worth it!). Learn more here, including what the program includes, our no-risk guarantee, and the high rated feedback from our past students.
Additional Resources:
Register for Beating the Breaking Point, our top-rated self-paced resilience training program tailor made for First Responders and Front Line Workers to protect against (and recover from) Burnout and related concerns (eg. Organizational Stress, Compassion Fatigue and Vicarious Trauma).
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Creators & Guests
What is Behind The Line?
Created for First Responders and Front Line Workers to tackle the challenges of working on the front lines. Dig into topics on burnout, workplace dynamics, managing mental health, balancing family life...and so much more. Created and hosted by Lindsay Faas, clinical counsellor and trauma therapist. View the show notes, and access bonus resources at https://my.thrive-life.ca/behind-the-line.
Hey there and welcome back to Behind the Line.
I’m your host Lindsay Faas. If you are new to Behind the Line, what you should know about me is that I am a clinical counsellor specializing in trauma therapy, and after over a decade working with First Responders and Front Line Workers around issues like burnout, compassion fatigue, PTSD and related OSI’s, I have become a passionate wellness advocate and educator for those who sacrifice so much for our communities out on the front lines. Behind the Line is a place for us to talk about the real life behind the scenes challenges facing you on the front lines. I created this podcast with the hope of bringing easy access to skills for wellness – allowing you to find greater sustainability, both on the job and off.
While you are listening, please take a moment and rate and review Behind the Line on apple podcast. Your support and feedback goes a long way in making this resource more visible to others who work in First Response and Front Line Work. Thanks so much for your help and support!
A belated Merry Christmas everyone, and I hope that you have had or will soon have some time to rest and recharge. I’m not sure about you but I am looking at the upcoming New Year with a lot of anticipation and I’m trying to soak in the quiet moments while I have them.
Last episode, I started us off thinking about the 5 love languages, a concept offered by author Gary Chapman, as a way of thinking about being in relationship with self as much as we think about it in relationship to others. We got into the idea that we are in a relationship with ourselves and that being mindful of our own primary love language or languages, can be helpful in aligning supports that are most meaningful to us, as well as limiting ways we might engage in harming ourselves. Today I want to use this same concept as a jumping off point to think not only about how we care for ourselves or create harm to ourselves, but to broaden this even further to how we process trauma and stress and consider applications for supporting ourselves through hard experiences. This can be useful to know for ourselves, as well as to communicate to our key people so they know how to support us most effectively.
Now, last time we left off talking about using our love language to build us up in our relationship with ourselves, and to limit tearing ourselves down. I had used a couple of examples but promised to circle back and provide more ideas about what this can look like for each of the 5 love languages. So let’s start there and then move in to applications for processing.
To refresh, the 5 love languages include words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, receiving gifts, and acts of service. We have likely ways that we long for our love language to be displayed to us from others, but what does it look like to be considerate of your own love language toward yourself?
Here are some ideas if your primary love language is words of affirmation: choose a mantra word or a couple of them that you can recite to yourself, like “I am capable of hard things” or “I show up for me”. Use this to anchor. Hold on to cards or kind words that have been given to you by others and take time to sit with them every once in a while and allow them to sink in. I have a file drawer in my office that I call my “warm fuzzy” drawer where I keep cards I have been given by clients that keep me encouraged in my work and I will spend time after hard sessions or hard days reading through them and holding tight to the reminders of being enough. Try out one of my favourite exercises – when you are having a good day and feeling good, write a letter from your well self to your unwell self – something that reflects on how your well self sees you, thinks and feels, and then when you are having a harder time or you feel less well, go back to it and allow it to offer encouragement and a reminder that it doesn’t feel like this forever. These are ways you can use your love language intentionally to build you up. On the flip side, to be intentional about not tearing yourself down, catch when your internal voice becomes really critical or mean and consider alternative ways of thinking. Intentionally and thoughtfully limit exposure to words that harm or drag you down.
If your primary love language is quality time: identify what you enjoy doing with time to yourself. Do you like spending it with people or alone? Doing an activity or relaxing? To invest in building yourself up, carve out intentional, deliberate times each day to do something you enjoy, even if it is just for a short time, and carve out some longer stretches once or twice throughout the week. Be conscientious about using this time well to engage in things or with people that feel restorative, encouraging and uplifting. Remember, quality time is about the quality of the time, not necessarily the quantity, so focus on using what time you can find, well. It might be listening to an audiobook while in your car, turning random time into meaningful time; or it might be taking a short nap to recharge; or taking yourself to your favourite café for a tasty cup of coffee. It is less about what you choose to do and more about being mindful about what lights you up or brings you a feeling of being cared about by you for you. To limit tearing yourself down, be mindful of your time getting consumed without your clear permission. Limit how much overtime you take on, be mindful of how much time gets doled out to various commitments like work and family demands. Ensure that you are not running so ragged that there are not minutes left to give to yourself. When you feel robbed of time to have to spend how you like, especially for any prolonged amount of time, it will tend to spiral into feeling harder and harder to cope, which will tend to come with internal messages about failure, discouragement, despair and hopelessness.
If your primary love language is physical touch: identify what kinds of touch feel most meaningful, both from others as well as what sensory pieces feel most meaningful when alone with yourself. For example, many people who value physical touch also value sensations of being warm and cozy or compressed and cuddly or stroked and soothed. Some of these sensations can be achieved with a warm soft pair of socks, a weighted blanket, or a massage tool. Aspects of this love language can be mindfully considered for self by self by considering what sensations bring me a sense of calm or soothed or mattering? For some, this can also be accessed through various activities, like getting a hair cut (I love the part when they wash your hard and give that lovely conditioner scalp massage!) or going for a massage. Showing yourself mindful care when your primary love language is physical touch may also mean finding and creating safe connections with a person or people who can be responsive to this need and whom you can ask to have your hand held, or for a tight hug. These are ways we can build us up by asking and advocating for our need to be met by others. To limit harm, we can be mindful of ensuring that we are seeking out touch that feels safe and good and limiting touch that feels unsafe, harmful or abusive. That might be touch from ourselves, as many people engage in either active self-harm, like cutting, or in habits that are physically detrimental like skin picking, nail biting, or excessive scratching. Catch moments of high physical tension and consider what could be offered to ease this. Be mindful of long stretches of time without safe physical touch input and try to engage in more regular and consistent moments of touch and safe sensation.
If your primary love language is receiving gifts: focus on being considerate of self. Receiving gifts isn’t just about getting tangible presents wrapped with a bow, it’s about being thought of and considered and having that consideration presented in the form of something that feels like a thoughtful representation of that consideration. Rather than glossing through moments and the day just trying to get through, be mindful of what might allow a moment to have some ease, what you might be able to do for yourself that would be a gift to you a little later today, or something you could offer that would shift the flavor of the day. It might look tangible, like treating yourself to your favourite cup of coffee or allowing yourself permission to buy a new book; but it might also be cleaning the kitchen so that you get to come home to a clean kitchen later; or asking for help from someone to support a need your have. To limit harm and using your love language to undermine your self, be mindful of not using gifts against yourself, holding them hostage or not permitting yourself due to some standard or measure of deserving. Be careful about becoming restrictive or limiting. Remember, this is a core way that your brain interprets being cared about and mattering, so it shouldn’t have to be earned through perfect behaviour. While some things may be a reward, there need to be lots of things that just are because you just are.
Finally, if your primary love language is acts of service: focus both on how you can serve you and on how you can request and advocate for others to serve you. Acts of service is my secondary love language, so I spend a lot of time on this one too. I find it helpful to think about what I can do when I am in a good place, that will serve to care for me well when I’m in a less great place. If mornings are a time when you have more energy, how can you use the mornings to not just care for your family well but also do a couple of things that will serve as a wonderful gift to “end-of-the-day you” later on? If you have a chill week this week but a crazy one coming up, how can you use this time to serve next week’s self really thoughtfully? Maybe it looks like doing some grocery shopping and meal prep to make next week an easy “pull out of the freezer and go” time. Maybe a week has taken you by surprise and it’s chaos, what is a way you can mindfully serve you in the midst of it? It might be as simple as giving permission to online order the groceries for pick up or delivery rather than spend an hour or more in the crazy stores, or delegating for someone else to do the pick up with grace that it might not be the same as you would have done! Whenever I have a random 5 minutes free, I will often think, what is one thing I could do right now that future me will thank me for? The answer might be take a 5 minute power nap, or it might be fold some laundry, or it might be sit and read with my kids – but framing it this way allows it to be intentional time that I am thinking of me and how I can serve my own needs and best interest. This can also, and needs to also, involve asking others to help. The service to self is in noticing what the needs are and leaning in to the risk of making the request. On the flip side, to limit using acts of service to tear yourself down, be mindful of doing for the sake of doing. Acts of service to build you up needs to be considerate of you and your needs, just doing random stuff and hoping it means something will deplete far more than it gives back. Be mindful that doing for others can feel good and be a piece in how you provide love and feel a sense of meaning, but that this must also include thoughtful service to self and your own needs, not just everyone else. And be careful not to lean only and entirely on you to serve all the needs – risking into asking for help and for others to serve the needs can feel scary and uncomfortable and it may not always result in your wish being fulfilled, but you can’t do it all yourself. Helping your key people understand that this is your love language and seeking that from them is important. If you have limited people in your life that you can count on, this may also look like leaning on professional services or other kinds of groups – for example, hiring a cleaner to come and do a deep clean once in a while or seeking support from a non-profit organization for professional services like counselling can count as ways that you are seeking out to serve your needs through the support of others.
Ok, I hope that give you at least a jumping off point in considering, as it relates to your personal primary love language or languages, ways to be in relationship with you the same way you might work to be in thoughtful and intentional relationship with someone else that you care about.
Now, let’s shift to talking about processing.
I want to preface this by saying that to my knowledge there is no significant research that has been done connecting love languages to therapeutic trauma processing modality effectiveness. What I am sharing is anecdotal based on my experience working with clients and navigating my own personal experiences. That said, I have found that fairly consistently, the primary love languages that people identify in session, can often relate quite clearly and directly to the type of therapeutic interventions that they seem to respond most effectively to when processing trauma. And if it allows us a little more power to feel like we can regain a sense of control in our lives, then I think we should do what we can to leverage that.
As a reminder, processing trauma is essentially integrating a full and complete story of what we experienced that allows us to store the memory of that experience in a way that our whole brain is involved in, rather than it staying trapped in our trauma centre where the story gets told in the present tense, often with high judgement toward self and low context.
Also, as a reminder, the 5 love languages are not exclusive of one another. All people need all 5 things, the concept is just that one or a couple will tend to more powerfully and meaningfully communicate love more effectively than the others. Similarly, when we talk about using this in relationship to processing trauma, all people benefit from integrating pieces from all 5 languages but will tend to more highly benefit from and value one or a couple above the others.
If your love language is words of affirmation, you may find that your brain needs to be able to tell the story (therapeutically this would be considered a narrative approach) and consider ways to tell the story differently to be able to embody a narrative that feels like it fits both the situation as well as the truth of who you are and what you tried to do. Engaging with the perspectives of others may feel helpful, both as it relates to the situation itself as well as how they saw you and your effort within it. You may find that journalling, or other writing exercises feel really meaningful to your efforts to process. You may feel the desire to talk it out with people and this might be really suited to peer debriefs or talk therapy. Again, being mindful that words can build you up but can also harm, be mindful of catching words that feel highly charged as self-critical, mean or degrading. While you might have a reason to think these words as it relates to what happened, they likely further entrench the experience as traumatic and are often highly skewed. Consider alternative words or holding the tension that something can be more than one thing and try to tell a more comprehensive story that considers the context and the efforts even if these don’t align to the outcomes.
If your love language is quality time, you may find that your brain need to have time to sit with it. This isn’t just a “time heals all wounds” approach, because it doesn’t. This is about intentionally setting aside time to think and feel and consider what you experienced. It is about taking time to mindfully interact with what happened and the ongoing needs you might have as a result of it. It might look like team for treatment, whether physical or mental/emotional. It might look like taking time for rest and recovery. It might look like taking time to cry or to hit a pillow or to otherwise engage in interacting with what happened. It is about communicating inside of me that my experience of a traumatic event is worth my time – the way I would long for others to demonstrate that me and my pain is worth their time, energy and effort. This type of processing may also look like permission to spend time reminding myself that I am more than this trauma, and allowing myself to take time to be in my life, to enjoy and laugh and play, without guilt or shame or other hard feelings toward me.
If your love language is physical touch, processing a trauma may involve more of a sensory-motor or somatosensory approach to healing and recovery. This might include feeling connected to the physical sensations associated with the experience and allowing your body to move through the sensations without judgement. It might mean being curious about what your body might need or might have needed at the time that the traumatic event occurred, and allowing your body access to those things. I remember working with someone and I said, “what does it feel like your body needed in that moment?” “I needed to be able to move my neck but I couldn’t”, I said, “can you now?”, and that connection of moving and allowing her body to remember the event but know that now it can move was incredibly powerful. Being able to engage in actions that I wish I could have made at the time but were limited can be incredibly powerful parts of healing.
If your love language is receiving gifts, we are back to being considerate of self. Processing trauma may look like considering what you might have needed within the experience and finding ways to offer that, or a similar symbolic representation, to yourself now that it’s over or while you remember the experience. It may also look like seeking out and advocating for others to participate in meeting the needs that might have been unmet at the time. As you navigate remembering and processing, you might ask yourself, what would feel caring for me? Or consider if you were helping someone else through something similar, what you would offer to them, and then try to do something similar for yourself. The needs and associated gifts may look like permission to rest, time set aside and permission to grieve, permission to voice concerns or air grievances, permission to self-advocate, permission to take time away, permission to laugh…all of these are gestures to you from you with conscientious, thoughtful consideration of self. Within your processing of trauma, it may also mean looking for what you gave and what was given to you in the midst of the traumatic experience. Mr. Rogers used to say, “look for the helpers” – what did you offer to you or others in the traumatic event that was a gift in a hard situation? And were there others who showed up and gave of themselves during or in the close aftermath that you can hang on to as you tell and re-tell the story of your experience?
And finally, if your love language is acts of service, you might consider some similar questions to those I just offered around receiving gifts. What would have served you well at the time the traumatic experience happened? And how can you serve this yourself or request this of others now? It might look like taking yourself for a massage to release tension, it might mean getting help with your house to be able to focus on your emotional needs for a bit, it might mean setting boundaries around your time and energy to prioritize serving your own needs over those of so many others so much of the time. It might look like taking yourself for a walk and fresh air even when you don’t feel like it. It may also mean looking at the story of your traumatic experience and considering how you showed up, how you tried, how you made effort and allowing room to honour the attempts at serving you and/or others in that moment even if it didn’t result in the most idyllic outcome. It can also mean seeing the efforts others made around you in that moment and the time following to care well and make it different.
Living through trauma or high, persistent stress exposure can change us. It can shake us to our core. Being able to process and help our brains tell a story that they can live with is essential, and any tricks that allow us to do this a little more effectively can be really meaningful. I hope that these ideas offer you a jumping off point to consider what it would look like to further personalize and refine your own version of processing. And with that, I hope that you experience freedom from things that have bogged you down, and liberation to be your fullest you, unencumbered by trauma holding you back. You matter. Your existence in this world matters. And I hope that you can value you like the rare and precious resource and gift that you are.
Before we wrap up, let me say another Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and warmest wishes for the impending new year. My family and I are thinking of each of you and are so grateful for you and all you bring to your work and to the world. Thank you.
As we wrap up today, let me remind you that if you value this podcast and want to help us in our mission to support front line wellness, there are 4 ways you can do just that:
1. Rate and review Behind the Line on Apple Podcast, or wherever you are listening
2. Follow me on social media, @lindsayafaas, and engage with me and this amazing little community we are building there. Every time you like, comment and share our posts you help us spread like wildfire thanks to the magic of the algorithm.
3. Share this resource and our other resources with those you know. If you would like a poster or info cards about the podcast for your workplace, send me an email to support@thrive-life.ca
4. Last but not least, consider joining Beating the Breaking Point, my resilience training program that seeks to fill the gaps in your training and support you in limiting the degree to which the job takes a toll. This program serves to sponsor all of the free supports and resources we make available, and is available for individuals to sign up for as well as workplace teams. Go to the show notes for a link to learn more.
Know that we can be found online on our website, on most major podcast platforms as well as on youtube. We make all of our resources available to you because the work you do matters, but more than that, YOU matter and we want to make sure you have what you need to keep up the good work at work, as well as in your real life outside of work. So use it, and share it, and until next time, stay safe.