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Parenting teens can be hard. Parenting teens who are in crisis is even more complicated. You were never meant to walk through this alone.
Welcome to Through the Hard - Parenting Teens in Crisis, a twice-monthly podcast presented by Pathways to Hope Network.
Join us for honest conversations that drive out shame and show us how to navigate the emotions and uncertainty of parenting teens through crisis.
(00:01:20) - Hey, it's good to be with you again. For today's episode, I was thinking that I would give you a little bit of a inside glimpse into day one of a workshop we recently did, so you might remember a couple of episodes back, I announced that I was going to be doing a workshop on the four principles for Fighting Fear, and just the other day we did day one of that workshop. The next workshop will be on the second Thursday of November, which will be on November 9th. So if you're interested, you can go to our website. I'll have a link below and register for that workshop. But it's a free workshop. And right now, like I mentioned, we are kind of looking at fear and dissecting how we look at fear and how it holds us back. So for today's episode, I was thinking, what better than giving you guys a glimpse at what that workshop was like and sharing that same information with you. So without further ado, here we go. Good morning and welcome to day one of our four week workshop.
(00:02:41) - I am so glad to have you here and not at all surprised by our small but mighty group that's here today. So a lot of people struggle with fear. In fact, the podcast episode that I did on fear had a ton of downloads. So why are there only a few of us on this zoom? Well, when something makes us feel distressed or fearful, dealing with it head on can make all those feelings worse before they get better. Avoiding the situation entirely allows us to suppress, ignore, or postpone having to sit with those difficult emotions. This is actually a coping mechanism and it's known as avoidance coping. A lot of people rely on avoidance as a coping mechanism. In fact, I think we all do from time to time. And truthfully, it's not a bad way to go. Initially, it actually feels like the easier path compared to confrontation. But avoidance is of course harmful in the long run. It ends up leading us to more fear and anxiety. And just before fear is done having its way with us.
(00:03:50) - It sprinkles on some unhealthy habits into the mix just for good measure. Learning to address our fears and fix avoidance often means challenging what makes us feel uncomfortable. While learning to face our fears may seem intimidating, it's actually the small steps that end up making a big difference. So that's why you being here today is such a big deal. Today took a lot of courage. And before we do anything else, I want to commend you for that. Our goal for today is to help you identify, understand and better manage your fears related to parenting. To help you feel a little more confident and effective in your everyday parenting decisions. So we're going to start off by talking a little about what parental fear is. I think most of us could best identify parental fear as that anxious feeling we get in the pit of our stomachs, right? It's the worry and concern that naturally creeps in as we try to navigate the wild world of parenting teens. In today's culture, we're constantly thinking about their safety, how they're doing in school, who they're spending their time with, and whether or not they are making good choices when we aren't around.
(00:05:07) - All of this is actually a very natural response to the complexities of parenting teenagers, and it's a reflection of the deep investment we've made in our child's growth and development. See, the fear comes from a place of love, but the impact it has on our parenting usually shows up in ways that work against us. So I came up with a list of seven ways that our fears actually get in the way of what we really want. Now, as I read the list, just for fun, I'd like you to put down a little tally mark or make a little mental note for every one of these seven that you can identify with, okay? So the first way fear gets in our way is in our decision making. When we are consumed by fear, our protection instincts tend to kick into overdrive, trying to shield our teenagers from all potential risks and dangers. Right? This over protectiveness can lead to helicopter parenting, which may hinder our teen's development of independence and their decision making skills. Number two is communication problems.
(00:06:18) - Fear can affect how we communicate with our teenagers. It may lead to increased conflict as we may react emotionally out of worry causing communication breakdowns. On the opposite end of the spectrum. Sometimes we might have a tendency to avoid difficult conversations to prevent confrontations, which can be detrimental to addressing important issues. Number three is stress. Constant parental fear can be stressful for both parents and teenagers. They become exasperated at us thinking we are neurotic for believing every imagined fear that runs through our mind. While we experience the stress in our bodies and are subjected to a constant drip of the stress hormone cortisol, which comes with a huge chain of side effects. Number four is micromanagement. Fear can lead to an excessive focus on monitoring and controlling teenagers activities. Parents might resort to strict rules and surveillance, which can erode trust and create an atmosphere of tension and rebellion. Oh boy, have I been there more than my fair share. Number five. Influence on decision making. Parents, driven by fear, may make decisions based on their anxieties rather than what's best for their teenager's growth and development, and this can lead to choices that hinder teenagers autonomy and self confidence.
(00:07:54) - Number six. Modeling behavior. Parental fear can serve as a model for teenagers own anxieties and fears. If teenagers see their parents constantly worried and fearful, they may adopt similar beliefs and attitudes. And finally, number seven is missed opportunities. When we are overly focused on fear, it can cause us to miss opportunities for meaningful interaction and connection. It can cause us to miss out on positive parenting moments with our teenagers. It can hinder the exploration of shared interests and the development of a healthy parenting relationship. I'm curious, would you say that fear might create missed opportunities of connection between you and your child? Over the course of my healing journey, which is constant, by the way. Constant. I've learned some things that always seem to help me out when I feel stuck, and I call them cheat codes, and I have one for fear that has a way of helping me get out of my head. When I feel my heart racing and my body starts to scream, do something! My cheat code for fear is this if I can name it, I can change it.
(00:09:16) - In order to name my fear, I need to be willing to pull the thread to see exactly where it leads. The other night, my son and I were getting into it again over homework. My heart started racing and my body started demanding me to do something. And in that moment I had to say I need a timeout and I had to step away. I had to take a deep breath and I had to ask myself, what was I afraid of? The answer that he wasn't going to do his homework. Then I pulled the thread that he was going to fail, pull some more that he wasn't going to graduate, pull some more, that he was going to be depressed as he went through that process, and that it would be really, really hard to watch. Pull the thread. That I would miss out on seeing him walk. Pull the thread that it would make me really sad for him and me. I stopped to ask myself if there was any more thread. Nope. That was all of it this time.
(00:10:21) - So my truth in that moment was that I'd feel really sad if my son doesn't graduate. And that's valid. Will I eventually be okay and recover from that? Yes. Will there be lessons learned along the way for both him and I? Yes. Does he have potential to learn and grow from it? Yes. And once I named it, I could change it. So instead of focusing on homework, I thought in the moment about how love would show up. That's another one of my cheat codes. And when I went back the conversation, you guys looked different. Instead of harping about homework, I was reminding him about how he had just told me that graduating was important to him. I offered my support. I encouraged him to try, even just for an hour. I told him that my relationship with him mattered more to me than anything else, and that I wanted to support him, but not at the cost of the relationship. I asked him if he wanted to work together or alone. And he chose to gather this time.
(00:11:33) - But next time he might choose alone. And when he does, I'll likely have to pull that string all over again before I come back to center. Sitting with our fears is hard. Your fears in my fears are probably a lot alike. In fact, as parents of teenagers, we often face a range of common fears and concerns. Today, I'm going to share the five that I encounter most in the parents I work with. And let's do the Telemark system again and see how many resonate with you. Fear. Number one is safety concerns. We worry about our teens physical and emotional safety, especially if their crisis involves risky behavior like substance abuse, self-harm, as well as sexual relationships and unhealthy relationships. Number two is mental health. We have worries, fears, concerns about our teen's mental health, including depression, anxiety or suicidal thoughts and those can all be really overwhelming for parents. Number three is future outcomes. We often fear that our teens struggle will negatively impact their future, including their education, career prospects, and overall well-being.
(00:12:51) - Number four is relationship strain. Our teens struggle can strain our parenting relationship, leading to fears of long term damage to their connection and communication. Number five is judgment and stigma. There can be a fear of judgment or stigma from others, including friends, family members or the community, which can often make it difficult for parents like us to seek help or support. And number six is emotional toll. We often experience stress, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion while dealing with our teens crisis, fearing the toll it takes on our own mental and physical well-being or on the rest of the family. These fears can be challenging for us to navigate. And in a lot of these situations, like mental health or substance abuse, it's really important that as we navigate those, we seek professional help and support from therapists, counselors, support groups or community organizations. And that's often essential to address both our teen's struggle and our emotional needs. And as you heard that list, I'm just curious how many of those resonated with you. Now let's talk real quickly about fear triggers.
(00:14:18) - A fear trigger, also known as a fear stimulus, is a specific cue, situation, object, or event that elicits fear, anxiety, or a stress response in an individual. These triggers can vary widely from person to person and are often associated with past experiences, traumas, or phobias. When a person encounters a fear trigger, it can lead to heightened emotional and physiological reactions, such as increased heart rate, sweating, and a strong sense of fear or unease. These triggers can interfere with daily life and may require therapeutic intervention to help individuals manage and cope their fear responses. I'd like for you to think about what that trigger is for you, and as you think about it, think about what happens in your body when you feel it and what, if anything, helps you to get out of that state of fear. We all have different fear triggers and like I said, they're tied to different things. But when we begin to identify, oh, something's happening in me, there's a trigger here. If we can figure out the meaning of that trigger or how it's connected to us in a way that elicits such a huge response, it helps to kind of make sense of it when we're outside of it, so that we can identify what's going on when the switch is actually flipped in real time.
(00:15:56) - What I love about these workshops when we do them, is that in between each of these sections, we pause and we allow time for reflection. We allow time to process things together. It gives us an opportunity to stop our worlds and focus our attention on the things that are important. See, so often we experience emotions like fear and anger and sadness and we just try and push through to the other side. And then life picks back up and we feel relief over the discomfort passing. And who wants to go back into that space and try and dig through the dirt to see what really happened? Not me. I usually want to just enjoy being over it and move on with life. But like I said earlier, if we can name it, we can change it. So being in a workshop together, or any time you sit down with a journal, a coach, a therapist, a support group, it gives you an opportunity to change the things in your life that are getting in your way. The other day I wrote down these words and I stuck them on my mirror in the bathroom.
(00:17:04) - Today's shortcuts become tomorrow's burdens when we avoid examining our fears. It's because we're trying to take a shortcut. Fear is like a bright, shining beacon that illuminates our insecurities, and the objective isn't to wish it away, but to find ways to no longer align with it. Let me say that again. Our fear is like a bright, shining beacon that illuminates our insecurities, and the objective isn't to wish it away, but to find ways to no longer align with it. I bet you never thought about that, have you? I bet you never stopped to consider that when fear takes hold of us, it's because we have actually subconsciously made the decision to walk in agreement with it. We hear the story that fear whispers into our hearts and we decide to believe it. And there are some warning signs that come when we do this. There are actually three that usually predict for me with 100% accuracy. If I have begun to walk in agreement with fear. Number one is I feel my spirits waning. I no longer notice the good things that are happening around me.
(00:18:23) - I'm hyper focused on one thing and one thing only. I start feeling stressed. I'm anxious. I'm irritable. I'm impatient. To put it simply, I lose my joy. Has anyone ever experienced that? The second way I know I'm walking in agreement with fear is that I begin to feel my sense of balance fading. I'm unable to focus, I have difficulty concentrating and I'm unable to think clearly. I feel restless, and I have trouble being where my feet are and staying still. I'm overthinking, constantly ruminating on the perceived problem all day long. I lose my peace. And the third way I know I'm walking in agreement with fear is that I lose my ability to rationally think through the problem. It's like the whole thing is upside down and I'm sure there's an answer, but I can't for the life of me think of what it could be. It feels like I'm fumbling around in the dark. Here's the thing. You can't stop the waves of life from coming. That's just part of the deal.
(00:19:31) - They're going to come. But you can determine how you're going to face them. Did you feel what just happened there? Listen again, and I want you to see if you can identify a shift that's taking place in the way that we look at fear. You can't stop the waves of life from coming, but you can determine how you're going to face them. The shift here is in where the power resides. Power doesn't reside in the waves of life, or the things happening in our children's lives that create the fear, the power. Our power lies in our response. What if none of what is happening is about our child? What if it's all about us? What if these fears aren't shouting, oh no, terrible things are coming! But instead they're saying, oh, look, you have an opportunity coming. Waves are coming. They're coming and they're going to keep coming. And this journey is about you. I know it's much easier to put our focus on them and occupy our minds with all the things we have no control over, but what does that do for us? What do we achieve? Seriously, share with me what the result has been for you.
(00:20:51) - When you respond to a situation out of fear. Deeper connection. Better behavior. Miracle turnarounds. That has never been my experience. I'm not saying we give up. I'm saying we figure out how we want to show up. See we have a choice. When those waves come, we can lie down and gasped for air every time they crash over us and pray for them to stop before they consume us. Or we can stand up. And maybe we'll realize that some of the waves that felt so overwhelming, the waves that were crashing over our heads, suffocating us when we were lying down, are actually only waist level. And while it might take some energy, yes, it's going to take energy to wade through that water. It won't be the thing that overtakes us. This is our life. No secrets, no pretense. It's about embracing the people we love when they need us the most. You can't fully appreciate your purpose as a mama, as the one who's been entrusted as mom to this teenager, to this child.
(00:22:14) - You cannot fully appreciate your purpose. Without facing the pain. This is the true essence of being a mama. These are the moments that will stick with them, remembering how you are never afraid to show up in their hard. See, the goal of parenting was never to be the flawless, endlessly happy mom with all the answers or to create a picture perfect life free of sorrow. These stories that fear brings to us are not burdens. They're gifts. There are call for you to forever be remembered as a mama who didn't shy away, but as one who triumphed with love and courage. Every time you show up, every time you show up. It's a win. I'm going to give you one last activity that I gave people in the workshop, and I feel like it's a powerful one. And so I hope and I hope you can find some time to do it. I want you to spend a couple of minutes to write a letter to yourself from this space, or type a text message to yourself.
(00:23:32) - Did you know that's a thing you can actually text yourself? Pull over on the side of the road. Stop what you're doing. Sit down. It's worth the five minutes. Type out a message to yourself from this space. A message of encouragement to the version of you that tomorrow or next week might be feeling fearful. And tell her what she needs to remember and how she wants to show up. Tell her that you love her and that she's doing such a great job and that you're so proud of her. Tell her everything that she's doing, right? Because there's so, so many things. That she's doing right. And then go to the website and sign up for our workshop in November, where we're going to be talking about resilience and courage and how to handle setbacks and fear. I love you guys so much. I'll talk to you soon.