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What do you do when your spouse broke your vows and your heart? How do couples recover from the pain, the shame, and the regret? In this message, Pastor Tim Glende discusses this highly sensitive subject.
The episodes are the weekly sermons from 922 Ministries (St. Peter and The CORE) of Appleton, Wisconsin.
Happy Holy Home
Week 3 - St Peter
Pastor Tim Glende
That will never happen to us.
I would never do that. Me neither.
That was the conversation. My wife Holly and I had last Sunday. When I came home, we talked a little bit about church and she said well what's next week about? And I said this. Life after an affair.
My guess is those of you who are married and some of you who are preparing to get married maybe engaged and others of you who down the road are looking forward to getting married would have said the same things, right? That'll never happen to us. I would never do that. I mean, when I stood up before our friends and our family and God and a pastor, I said, I will be faithful to you as long as we both shall live and we're both still living. So never ever will, I do that? That's when my wife asked me, like, why do people do that? And made a pretty emphatic plea, that it would never happen to us.
This week's research caused me to stop and pause.
I dug into the why.
And I realized that those statements We're very dangerous.
Like one in every 2.7 marriages. The statistics say the experts say will have to deal with life after an affair. That's one out of every three.
Experts on marriage. And literally I got a whole sheet filled with Statistics, I can give you the resources. They basically say this about about marriage, the American Association for marriage, and family therapy said about fifteen percent of married. Women have an extramarital affair. Twenty-five percent of men.
And that goes up by 20% in each category when you add into it, not just the by definition worldly view of what an affair is. Anything physical attached to it, it's about one in every two men cheat
And almost one in every three women do.
And, you know, it caused me to pause even more than anything else. And reflect on my wife's conversation of that won't happen to us. Was this? The longer you're married and the longer it lasts in the older, you get the more likely, it's your story. It's not the 20-somethings who cheat more than the 30 something's in the 40-somethings and the 50-somethings knowing you cross the magic barrier, 50 like me. You're in the highest category of people. Who are likely to have an affair.
So, if you've never had an affair, but you're married no matter how many years. I'm glad you're here today.
And if you're one day going to be married, if you're young you're thinking about it. You're engaged right now. I'm glad you're here because I pray I can give you some things to consider and keep in mind so that it, it does not hit your home. And cause unhappiness.
And for those of you who are here today, who maybe are dealing with it right now or have dealt with it in the past or sadly, I know what the deal with in the future. I'm glad you're here and I pray What God tells us?
Can help us.
Deal with.
The issue and also address that if it happens.
Here's the thing that I want to convince all of you. I have no matter if it's this specific area of extramarital Affairs or any sin. When I look at the numbers on this topic and why I believe it's so important for us here at 922 there are so many of you who would say the same thing like me. Pastor Tim I get it that's them or the person sitting next to me or that couple in our group, they're destined for this.
If you're the one who thinks it's not, you, I need you to hear this. Its first Corinthians, the Apostle Paul. If you think you're standing firm, be careful that you don't fall.
Like the Apostle Paul's words apply to all of our spiritual life. If you don't think drugs and alcohol are going to get you, be careful. If you think you're standing firm and you've got it all figured out, So that you don't fall. And it comes to this so many couples, I believe fall because they convince themselves from their wedding day. Even through the first troubles into their late years. Like gosh, you've made it 27 years, Pastor Tim, why would you blow it right now? I mean in your 50s, what are you thinking? Said we're going to happen to you, be careful. And in this area of all areas, I want to warn you and tell you.
I've heard it. It's so easy to fall.
And I'm not making that up because I've counseled way too many people who Fallen,
And they said, I didn't want to, I would never have my did.
And so today, I want to give you five truths And I'll give you five trues. Two of which talk about faithfulness. I actually want to convince you that before an affair happens, there are things that God gives to us that our guidelines encouragement so that we never cross that line.
I know I need to address and talk to all of you who have had an affair or I want to give you Insight if you ever sadly have to deal with an affair. But my prayer, our pastor's prayer is that you don't have to learn how to figure out life after an affair and God didn't give two guidelines to through out of my five that I think speak to that. So, pay attention. Don't think you got it, figured out. If you think you're standing firm, God's going to say some thoughts that will help any and every relationship and marriage here today,
The last three are going to deal with. The unfortunate situations when it does happen and what God says about it, and I want you to hear this. There's healing and there's hope And before I get there, I need to speak to one group of people who are here today. If you have been the victim of an affair, I need to speak to you for a second.
And I need you to hear something from your pastors.
None of us know.
None of us know what? It's ultimately like going through it. We can ask you, we've counseled you. But I want you to hear this loud and clear. We don't know. What that pain is like.
It breaks our heart, our hearts break for you. Like if it's recent or it's 20 years removed, it's hard.
And our hearts break for you, and we know that this this message will be hard,
And we thought about not doing it.
Because it might hurt.
But then we heard from a lot of you that You said it needs to be talked about so others don't hurt. So, thank you for letting us do it.
And thank you for forgiving me in advance. Like I'm going to be probably a little bit blunt. I'm going to be very fact-filled and scripture oriented and I might come across at times as unloving and thought I say If you've gone through this, please understand my heart.
Forgive me in advance for lacking tenderness in moments of I say something wrong. It is not intentional.
And the rest of you, I need to say this. Pay attention now for the next 15 to 20 minutes because marriage is under attack. And there's some of you here right now go and preach on pasture to him. Like, here comes the politics. No, marriage is not under attack by the right or the left by our government or anyone else. As much as he's my one person, his name is Satan. Like he knows the best way to bomb and blow up and fracture. The home is through affairs.
More than forty percent of marriages end as a result of an extramarital affair and adultery. It's the number one reason, marriages end number one, He knows if he can get someone to cross the line. And to go there. He will succeed in creating chaos and brokenness, heartache and hurt an unhappy unholy home.
To address that. Pay attention to these five truths. Now, the first to choose, I told you about what God would have you do so that you don't go there. And the first truth of is this about adultery Don't Come Close.
Don't Come Close. Like God puts a hedge, a boundary around marriage with his commandment. It's a Commandment that many of you have memorized number 6, you shall not commit adultery. Don't.
Just don't do it. You made a promise, you've left, father and mother. And you've been United with your wife. You've cleaved do. Don't unstick yourself and stick yourself to another person. It's breaking your promises. It's breaking your vows. Don't
In order to put a boundary around that good thing God says don't. Like sometimes growing up as a kid. I despise all the donts that God gave us. But you know the positive that God's emphasizing with that, the beautiful relationship of marriage, the intimacy, and the Oneness of marriage, the beautiful gift, God Longs for people to have in marriage.
And so God tells us the truth of adultery Don't Come Close.
Because here's the thing about most affairs.
They develop over time.
It's a look and a glance to lust every Pizza itself, its conversations with the same person.
Don't Come Close.
Like you got to understand, God puts a boundary around marriage because it's such a beautiful thing. And if you get close, You're putting yourself in danger. That's what the Apostle Peter said. He, he said this your enemy. The devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
Like, he's on the prowl. He would like nothing more than to see your marriage Fall Apart.
And he's waiting for his opportunity. So don't come close. Husbands guard your hearts. Wives guard, your hearts emotionally.
Because even if you do that, well, it's really hard.
Because when Temptation comes while you might do a great job of not coming close. Sexual sins and Temptation from the devil. He will find you. In our world, you can't avoid it. Like you can do anything and everything in your power, like guarding your computer with software, like, having conversations with other people being in a group. But it'll knock and what it does do this don't come close when it gets close and you've done everything else. Flee flee, flee flee.
The Bible says it straightforward. 1st Corinthians 6 flee from sexual immorality, flee from it. Run from it. Like whether you're a long-distance runner or you're a sprinter, if you're not any kind of runner, start running in the opposite direction as fast as you can, like a sprinter and as far as you can away like a long-distance marathoner flee because it is a sin against your own body, it's the damage that can be done. And when it's the hole in a marriage,
It affects more than you.
Joseph understood it. Joseph did it flee? The Old Testament story of Joseph is unfamiliar to you. There's a lot in it but in this moment when he was a slave in a home of a rich man, his master's wife took notice of him and said come to bed with me like it found him And yet he refused. My master is withheld. Nothing from me. How then can I do such a wicked thing and sin against God. And though she spoke to Joseph day after day, she knocked and she knocked. She asked and she chased, she followed and she pursued and Joseph day after day, refused to go to bed with her, or even be with her, he fled and fled.
And the final time, he fled and landed him in jail.
Flee.
Like some of you right now are dangerously close.
Your DM message messages would reveal some conversations that would be inappropriate? There are some of you right now who are feeling a pull to a person.
There's some of you right now, who are hurting and your relationship is struggling. And And the attention you're getting is somewhat exciting. Can I put it on your heart today? Flee.
And can't even put on your heart right now that that's you right now. That you might have gotten close to the line of an emotional affair, but you have not Gone down the physical path, we can deal with that and address that. Let's own that. And as you're running away from it, run to the person you need to run to God and own it and your spouse and talk about it.
Because that's really the reality of the steps to infidelity. If you don't fully and you do come close,
An opportunity will knock. And it'll do horrible, horrible damage to your home.
Like if I can convince you right here, right now, husbands and wives future, husbands and wives, if you don't want this to be your story, address step number one to infidelity, which is dissatisfaction
Like, a lot of people think step number one infidelity is attraction, it's not.
It's not in, but a few cases.
When you Google search, the top reasons why? Almost all of them. Come back to dissatisfaction. In other words, the work that needs to be done to have a thriving marriage. The action plan. We talked about in week number one, something is off and communication isn't happening. Dissatisfaction.
And I'm going to show you the list of them, but If left unaddressed temptation, will present itself, the devil is always lurking and almost everyone has an opportunity. Like 60% of Affairs extramarital. Ones happen with someone you work with someone you're close to a friend or someone that you spend a lot of time with 60%. Opportunity is going to present itself. Temptation is not going to go away the devil says, so the Bible says, so about the devil So, here's my pitch.
Deal with the dissatisfaction. Before it ruins your home. And destroys the happiness.
I've said this in two services already. I'm going to say it again. There are some of you here who said Pastor Tim like we should not be having this conversation in church. I don't want to hear this. I don't know where you're at in life. You don't think it applies to you, this is no place here. I'm going to tell you if just one couple in our church, one marriage in our church, address of the dissatisfaction and does not cross the line of an extramarital affair and gets there. Home in order and remains happy and they honor God's marriage bed by behold. I'm good with all the rest of you being mad at me.
That's one in three. Even if we're lucky, it's one in five. There are hundreds of marriages in our church at risk. And I'm not going to apologize for that.
I love you too much. Because God loves you and more.
Deal with the dissatisfaction. Like, if that's you, if there's something off on this list, I'm gonna throw up here and it's in the notes online. I guess dissatisfaction with the person, I'm angry with them. They didn't do right by me. It's dissatisfaction with myself and my self-esteem. It's dissatisfaction with the relationship. It's lacking love and commitment. It's dissatisfaction with our intimacy. Its dissatisfaction with the attention that you're giving to me, deal with the dissatisfaction.
Tell your spouse about it if you're dissatisfied, it might hurt but it won't hurt as much as what's going to happen next.
And I put that on your heart. Don't come close, do flea. And if temptation is knocking in your really close address, the dissatisfaction otherwise,
The happy Holi home that you long for is going to be broken and needs repairing. But it can be.
Like, if it does happen, if it's sadly happens, I need you to hear this. There is hope. There is hope.
Because when it happens, you know what normally happens? 55% of people go down the path of divorce almost immediately. They make a choice. They make a decision. They pursue that path. They believe it's the only path almost every secular counselor would tell you that getting divorced is more traumatic than doing the work of reconciling and repairing. Like in some cases you just have too there is abuse. There's other things that just can't be restored. For those of you who've dealt with this, you understand this
But most experts would say, it's more traumatic for the home for everyone involved if you pursue that. Instead of reconciliation, 55% don't even give it a chance.
Another 32 of the old College try for a few months but still pursue it. Only fifteen percent at the end of the day, pursue reconciliation.
And I want that number to be different at our church. If sadly, it happens in your home.
Which is why I have three more truths about adultery that I want you to hear, take to heart and apply. If the sad events transpire in your home of an affair, Truth. Number three is this there are two biblical options if an affair happens. There are two biblical options. God, Jesus himself, reinforces it in the case of adultery. Divorce is a Biblical option. God permits it. He permits it because the person's actions of unsticking themself from their spouse and to another person have already done it in a worldly sense. It only is revealing it, it's an option.
But so is reconciliation.
They're both options. And they're both biblical and available to the person who's been wronged.
But the other up the football, those options, they all have the same goal. Like if you just can't go back, if you can't go down that path. If after thinking about it, considering it, addressing it. Trust just can't happen. It's so big and so bad. At the end of the day, even if you pursue that path or the other God wants this one godly goal to happen. Healing for you.
Spiritually, emotionally and physically, he wants it. For both, he wants it for your kids and your family and everyone who's a part of it. He wants healing. In order for to be healing, no matter which path you choose. I need you. Remember the final two truths? Healing requires this. Time times work + work times time. Anyone who knows, math knows that's a pretty big equation When you start multiplying things and put parentheses around it. I don't even know how to add it up.
Like if I can convince you, if this is your story, if you've dealt with this, if you're in it right now, if it happens to you down the road, God wants healing for you. We as pastors want healing for you, it's going to require time, no matter which path you choose to make the right choice. It's going to require time. And it's going to require work.
And then once you even choose a path and I pray, it's reconciliation, if it's at all possible at that point, it's still going to require more work. Over the rest of your time here on Earth.
So, if it's happened to you, if you're the one who's wrestling with this, if you're the one who down the road is a victim of a fair, understand it's going to take time.
You're going to feel like your identity has been robbed from you. Even though marriage should not become your identity. It's so vital in our relationships that you're going to feel like you lost Who You Are. It will take you time to get that back.
And it will take you time.
Depending on the amount of time it happened and how long you were lied to.
And how much of a cover-up. It was, it'll take you time. Like don't expect yourself to get over it and move forward. Quickly takes time to heal. And it will require you to do some work.
Like some personal work. Like to restore Trust. To work at the things that were causing the dissatisfaction. That usually is not just one way. It's involving both people and hear me loud and clear. It it's never a reason or right to cheat.
You got to address the issues. And that will require years of you, some work.
And to those of you who have caused the hurt, It will take time. And you will have to do a lot of hard work. Like a lot of hard work on your heart and examine why you did it.
And I need you to let the other person halftime.
Because you know, what happens when you confess and get off of your heart, something heavy you feel relief.
And if you just drop that bomb on your house and that person that you made promises to and you feel so much better because you let it go. Remember that they just found out and they're going to need time.
And that's what love does. Like it'll take time and it'll require work and overtime. If you do, the work, I believe. It'll work, there's hope, and there's help in almost every case. Because you're a, I think you'll find if you put in the time and you do the work in a Godly way, Love covers over a multitude of sins. Every sin. Of yours and mine has been covered in the blood of Jesus. And spiritually. The reality is, all of us are unfaithful to God and Jesus has in love covered our sins. He's that big. And he's that able that he can cover even this big of a violation in sin. Jesus can do it. Grace trumps guilt. He's that good. Your whole might be anything but happy right now, but But some of the happiest and now holiest homes I've ever seen or some people have gone through the hardest of times and I've dealt with it in. Addressed it, it's true. It can happen.
So, can I call on you to do what Jesus did? If this is you or happens in your story to forgive, doesn't mean there aren't consequences forgive. And work. And take the time.
And in order for that healing to happen, I need you to remember this principle at the end. For healing to happen. To do the work and the time times the work and the time, remember this daily principal run to them.
Like if it happens, transparency honesty, humility, transparency, honesty, humility talk, communicate, share. Tell the other person what you need from them. If you're the one who's been hurt, listen, if you the one who's caused the hurt, do the work, take the time, but it requires you to run to each other. Daily
And not every day will be perfect, but if you run to them, you can do this. But the Bible says, carry each other's burdens.
Believe in Jesus and your home. Run to them. Life after an affair. There's not survival or a happy Holi home if you can't run to each other and the only way you can do that is if you first in Daily run to him. Run to Jesus.
Like if you want a life model to live, by run to Jesus, run to the Cross, run to Grace. Because he's the only one who can ultimately make us. Holy it has And if we live for him, It won't be about circumstances, but our home will be happy because we have all that we need Do what David did when this was his story. I confess my transgressions to the Lord and you forgave the guilt of my sin run to Jesus.
He alone has made you holy he alone can help you and give you hope after an affair.
This is why I want to leave you with this.
After reading all the stats, and looking at the Scriptures.
I know it could happen to me.
Like dissatisfaction can happen to any marriage.
And Temptation happens to all of us.
Which is why I pray that. That in our homes here at 922 what we'll do is run to him. Before it happens and run to them.
And address the issues.
Inside, leave, it does happen. Don't forget the principles that work in time. There's healing and there's hope.