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Conversations With Thomas is a podcast where humor, heart, and a touch of sass collide. Hosted by Thomas Kevin Dolan, each episode explores raw, real topics like self-compassion, healing, and the delightful mess of being human. As the seventh of ten kids, Thomas didn’t always have a voice—now he’s sharing it with you, and trust us, you’ll want to hear this.
Expect vulnerability, laughs, and thought-provoking questions that dive into subjects most people avoid (because, let's face it, some topics just need to be tackled). With a mix of wit and wisdom, Thomas takes you on a journey where you might cry, you might laugh, and you’ll definitely feel a little more connected to yourself and the world.
New episodes drop every 2nd and 4th Monday. Tune in for a dose of honesty, heart, and just the right amount of quirky.
This podcast is being recorded in Honolulu, Hawaii. I acknowledge that the land I
live and work on, known as Kakaako, is part of the unceded Aina of the Kanakamali,
the indigenous people of Hawaii. I'm humbled and grateful to be a guest in the
Hawaiian kingdom. May this conversation honor the wisdom of this land and the spirit
of aloha that lives here. Hey, beautiful humans, welcome back to Conversations with
Thomas, where we explore the big, messy, magical work of living a heart -centered
life. I'm your host, Thomas Kevin Dolan. My pronouns are he and him. And today
we're taking a look at something that just might shift your relationships in the
most tender and powerful ways. It's called the Platinum Rule. You've probably heard
of the Golden Rule. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Solid advice,
right? But what if it's not enough? What if it assumes that everyone wants what you
want? And that's what the Golden Rule does. It assumes that everyone wants what you
want. Enter the Platinum Rule. Treat others the way they want to be treated. It
sounds deceptively simple, but it's actually a relationship game -changer. I really
think this is heart -expanding stuff. And yes, we've got the science, the stories,
and a gentle practice to bring it all to life. This rule isn't just about being
nice. It's about differentiation.
Recognizing that others may need things you don't or express love,
safety, and respect in ways that feel or may feel totally foreign to you. And
perhaps it's also about reverence, the spiritual practice of honoring another soul's
unique expression. Imagine being able to be reverent to those in your life. Imagine
being able to ask them, "How can I support you?" And really listening to what it
is that they need and then allowing yourself to actually give that to them. So what
is the Platinum Rule? And of course, let's start with the basics. The golden rule
centers you and your preferences. The Platinum Rule shifts the center to them,
to the person you're actually in connection with. Therefore, it requires empathy,
attunement, and a willingness to ask. It would be this, What do you need?
How do you feel most loved, supported, or understood? In other words,
the Platinum Rule is loving no more specifically. The Platinum Rule is actually is
its love with its listening ears on. But more than that, its love is a spiritual
practice, a devotion to showing up in ways that actually honor somebody else's truth,
honors another's truth. Psychologist and leadership expert Dr. Tony Asandra popularized
the platinum role in business settings. But emotional intelligent researchers have
since connected it to stronger relationships, better conflict resolution, and increased
trust, not just at work, but in our most intimate lives. Dr.
Kristen Neff does a lot of work with compassion reminds us that empathy isn't just
a feeling, it's an action. When you see someone suffering and respond with care in
a way that's most supportive to them, that's empathy and action. That's actually the
platinum rule. And here's the thing, the rule isn't just for personal relationships.
Imagine what it could do if we applied it on a broader scale, let's say,
our political climate. In a time of division, the Platinum Rule invites nuance.
It invites us to move from performative allyship to actual solidarity,
to get curious instead of defences,
to get curious instead of defensive, to honor difference without needing to fix or
erase it. I think that's how bridges are built, not with sameness,
but with spaciousness, with soul, with spirit, with what I call "sacred listening."
It's actually listening from your heart. Let me toss in a little bit of science,
right, the science -y part. Research on empathy and interpersonal neurobiology,
particularly from folks, like Dr. Dan Siegel, shows that when we attune to someone
else's emotional state and respect their needs and perspectives, we build what's
called interpersonal resonance. That's kind of fancy speak for connection that doesn't
feel like emotional guesswork.
Let me bring this down to earth and share a story From my book, my memoir,
"Little Fag, a Story of Self -Acceptance and Healing." In chapter seven called "A
Willingness to Do Some Reflecting," beginning on page 252, I share an additional
story from "The Unlearning" about the healing of a relationship with a former
partner.
My family taught me to cut people out once a relationship ended, especially romantic
ones, to cut them out of my life. I watched siblings do that with relationships
that were really important to them. Once it was done, I never saw those folks
again. And yet I chose something different. I chose to stay connected, to love in a
new way, to be friends. It wasn't always easy. There were moments of pain,
of doubt, but we kept choosing love, not the romantic kind, but a deeper,
more resilient friendship rooted in mutual care, and what I now recognize as soul
level support. Here's a passage from the story. His energy is effusive.
From the moment I met him in 2002 in Sydney, Australia, I realized his light shone
from a place of innocence. I've learned to not put an X through anybody in my all,
they've all come to me for a reason, a season or lifetime. They've happened for me
and not to me. Practicing the platinum rule in this case meant meeting him not as
my former partner, but as the person he is now, with respect, with honesty,
and with love on his terms. My current husband, he and I, were once jokingly called
Vancouver's favorite truffle. As we walked towards a concert, we were about to enter.
All of us laughed. We thought it was hilarious. But what it really showed me was
how far we'd all come, choosing love, connection and friendship over fear and this
notion of what I call a societal script. I was no longer in relationship with him.
Therefore, societal script is get rid of him. What I'm really proud of and what is
really rich for me is not only having him as my best friend but also from time to
time as the three of us are walking it might be here in Honolulu it might be in
Vancouver I'm walking on my own for some reason the two of them are behind me so
imagine a former partner right with your husband I look behind and I smile and I
say to the divine to the universe to spirit I'm so grateful that I have this
powerful connection of love I love that I can share this with my husband, and that
my husband and my best friend, my former partner, have a really amazing relationship.
That is the story of the Platinum Rule in action. It's about seeing someone in
their fullness and being willing to relate to them in the way they need. People
from all walks of life are catching on to this shift. Dr. Thima Bryant, who I'm
just beginning to really appreciate the wisdom from this woman. Love is not control.
Love is not manipulation. Love is not silence or dismissal. Love is nurturing
presence, truth, and care. And this is a woman who is a psychologist, also a
spiritual leader. I've just bought her book. This quote speaks directly to the
transformative power of the golden rule, the transformative power of the platinum
rule. Excuse me, it asks us to dismantle old narratives of love, ones that might
have been rooted in fear, no doubt dominance or emotional withdrawal and rebuild them
with intention. Real love, she goes on to say, the kind that aligns with the
platinum rule actually requires humility. It's not about reshaping someone to fit your
comfort zone or your expectations. It's about meeting them where they are, honoring
who they are, and showing up in ways that feel supportive to them. How novel is
that? Queer communities, and I'm really proud of this, my queer community, modeled
this beautifully, often redefining family, relationships, and love in ways that are
actually rooted in authenticity over obligation. In many queer spaces,
the concept of chosen family is a living, breathing example of the Platinum Rule.
When biological families can't or won't offer the love and acceptance someone needs,
queer folks often create what I call a new constellation of care,
a new constellation of care. Oh, I love that. These are families built not on
bloodlines, but on consent, on connection, and intentional love.
Here's what that can look like. A trans woman may be rejected by her birth family,
but finds a circle of friends who call every day after her surgery, who celebrate
her identity with joy, who ask how she wants to be supported rather than assuming.
These friends don't show up because it's expected. They show up because they see her
and want to love her in the ways she needs to be loved. I think kids get this
intuitively. I've watched my grand -nephew Gabriel.
I'd have watched him interact with cousins. It's this idea of when he gets a sense
that one of them is having a bad day,
he doesn't offer them kind of his favorite snack. He asks them for what they need,
a juice box, a cookie, and then of course he adds a hug. That's a platinum roll.
That is the platinum roll. So let's dive into a little practice here. I call it
the platinum swap. It's a simple 10 -minute connection ritual to practice mutual care
on others' terms. So step one, it's kind of you setting the scene.
And I go to invite you to do this to sit down with a friend or someone you had
love for. Phone's off, of course. Tear snack's optional, but I'm going to encourage
it. Step two, this is where you're going to ask and listen. Take turns asking each
other these questions. What's one thing someone's done for you recently that made you
feel deeply cared for? Your job is to listen closely. No interruptions.
What's one thing someone's done for you recently that made you feel deeply cared
for? No fixing. Just receive. Perhaps you want to make a note. Step three.
I call this care language. And here's where you ask. When you're going through
something tough, what's the most helpful thing someone that can actually do for you.
You might learn that your friend prefers space over advice or a silly meme over
deep chat. And here's the swap. Each of you commits to doing one thing this week
based on what you just heard. Write it down if you need to, no pressure to get it
perfect. This is your opportunity to simply give it a whirl, give it a try. And
there's a fifth step and it's what I call follow up with feeling. A few days
later, you're gonna check in with this person. How did that feel for you?
This is a beautiful way to build trust and tweak how you show up for each other
over time.
Dr. Laura Berman as a therapist and an educator, and Dr. Superman puts it this way.
The platinum rule forces you to consider that others have a different reality than
yours. And that's not just okay. It's essential.
That's not just okay. It's essential. Let's sit with that for a second.
What she's really saying is that true connection begins with the humility to
acknowledge that your way of seeing, loving, or healing is not universal.
We each walk through the world with different wounds, wiring, and ways of making
meat. The Platinum Rule invites us to honor that, not as an inconvenience,
but as a sacred truth.
So instead, you sit down eye to eye and ask, "What's it like to be you?" Then you
listen and you actually love from there. I think in our relationship lives,
that's how bridges are built.
That's how bridges are built.
Here's some closing thoughts. The platinum rule isn't about perfection. It's not about
you getting this perfect. It's actually about something that we all long for, this
notion of wanting connection. It's about presence. It's a practice of asking,
noticing, adjusting, not out of obligation,
but out of love. It's looking at the people in your life and saying, "I want to
love you in the way you most feel loved." And hey,
while you're at it, offer yourself the same. Ask yourself, what do I need?
And see what comes back. Because a platinum rule isn't just for relationships.
It's actually for your own healing, your own sacred return. And of course,
if you've been listening to my podcast, this notion of your ability to apply the
platinum rule to your outer experience, to friends, to family, to your partner, is
most strong when you can actually do your internal work with a platinum roll, right?
Where you can ask yourself, what do I need? And listen and feel for what comes
back.
It can be a part of your sake of return.
If this episode sparked something for you, I'd love to hear about it. Send me a
message, maybe even share with someone who needs, share this with somebody who needs
a gentle nudge or leave a review if you're feeling generous and a gentle reminder.
These conversations are here to inspire and support, but they're not a replacement
for professional care. So if you're navigating through some tough mental stuff, I
want to encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or healthcare provider.
And also this podcast is created with a lot of love, lived experience,
and just enough research to keep things curious. And of course, with the tech magic
of my wonderful husband, Adam Ma, my co -executive producer. Until next time, my
friends, take a breath, soften your shoulders, and remember, you're doing better than
you think. Thanks so much for listening to Conversations with Thomas.