Peace

"I mean the peasants are never so happy as when you blow the health and services budget on a war they don’t understand"

Peace, once deemed a simple ideal as a child, evolved into something far more complex, far more silly, far more greedy than one could ever imagine. But this is a comedy so we included puns, silliness and funny jokes to disguise the subject. Also Xerxes hurt his knee. Someone should fix that.

Credits:
Nate Gothard as Caesar, Oivey, Villager and Men                 
Hester van der Vyver as Sensus and Cleo’s Mum                 
Thomas Taufan as Xerxes, Voice and Men                 
Linda Chong as Ptolomy and Intercom 

Cheng as Men

Written by Mike Jones and Iley Jones
Produced by Bass Mike Studios and Iris Lantern

What is On the Roman Nose?

Turning back the pages of history, In the yesteryears of time, there once was an empire that was mightier than any before and held land greater than any since. A culture rich in architecture, education and art, but there is so little remaining of the Great Khan's dynasty that we can't make fun of it. So to Ancient Rome instead!

Here we join Lord Caesar and his loyal assistant, confidant and friend, Senator Sensus in the famed marble palace, facing diplomatic issues, comedic characters and the burden of leadership.

From the mixed bag of stories in Getting You Home On Friday, On the Roman Nose is slapstick happy, witty, and full of humour in a collection of short and sweet episodes.

(On the Roman Nose, Episode Twelve, Peace)

THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF HORNS.

VOICE: And now, to Rome!!

CROWD CHEERING, WATERFRONT, SEAGULLS, WATER LAPPING, A FOG HORN.

SENSUS: Now, careful Lord Caesar.

CAESAR: Thankyou Sensus, It has been an awfully long time since I’ve been on a galley.

SENSUS: That’s it, just put your foot on that fellow there and…

MUFFLED SCREAM AND BONE BREAKING.

CAESAR: Very good. Now where are we off to today, Sensus?

SENSUS: Crete Lord Caesar. We are meeting with the Persian King Nordsan Xerxes.

CAESAR: They’ll need to write that one down to understand it….

SENSUS: The meeting will also be attended by the envoy from Israel.

CAESAR: Envoy Oivey?

SENSUS: That’s him. And the Egyptian envoy (SPITTING) Ptolemy.

BELL RING.

CAESAR: (SPITTING) Ptolomy?

BELL RING.

SENSUS: Yes. (SPITTING) Ptolomy.

BELL RING.

CAESAR: The last time we met was not good.

SENSUS: I am sure that he is just jealous of your relationship with Cleopatra.

CAESAR: If he is jealous I would be happy to fix him up with Cleo’s Mother.

CLEO’S MUM: (DISTANT) I heard that!

CAESAR: Damn. (WHISPERING) Ears like a jackal.

SENSUS: Hears well?

CAESAR: That too.

SENSUS: Prepare my Lord, for we are about to depart.

INTERCOM: (OVER PA) Please stand clear of all doors, stand all courtesans in their upright position and
pray to your chosen god or gods.

A DRUM BEAT

MEN: HUH!

WATER SPLASHING, OARS IN WATER.

HUH!

SONIC BOOM

AAAAAAARGHHHHHHH!

SPLASH OF WATER AS THE BOAT STOPS.

CAESAR: Here already?

SENSUS: Yes my Lord, this is an express galley.

CAESAR: I am impressed.

VOICE: And so now peace talks commence in a neutral room of a bipartisan villa owned by a Cretan
(pronounced Cretin).

VILLAGER: It’s Cretan!

CAESAR: Ah, King Nordsan Xerxes, how are you?

XERXES: Not bad, a little trouble with my left knee.

CAESAR: An old war wound?

XERXES: No skiing accident.

CAESAR: Shame. And Envoy Oivey how are you?

OIVEY: Ah you know Lord Caesar. We work hard, we save a little, be good to our mothers.

CAESAR: Funny thing, I bumped into your mother only yesterday and she said she hadn’t heard from
you.

OIVEY: She would.

CAESAR: Ah, well. And Envoy (SPITTING) Ptolomy.

BELL RINGS.

Oops, sorry about that, let me wipe it off.

PTOLOMY: Thank you. If left on it tarnishes the metal.

CAESAR: I can imagine.

SENSUS: My Lords and Envoys, thank you for your attendance today at these fine facilities. As you are
aware, we all crave peace in this region.

XERXES: Sorry, could you repeat that?

SENSUS: Sorry, my lords, we all crave pieces of this region.

XERXES: That’s better.

CAESAR: Absolutely.

SENSUS: Rome would like to annex Persia.

XERXES: That’s not so good.

CAESAR: Look Xerxes, we will send in a few troops, blow a little money. It distracts the masses from
our appalling administration.

PTOLOMY: It worked for Egypt. I mean the peasants are never so happy as when you blow the health
and services budget on a war they don’t understand.

XERXES: Look, I can see this. But I really want peace for a while longer.

CAESAR: And if we agree to peace, what is it worth?

XERXES: I’ll give you a tribute of 50,000 gold pieces and…

CAESAR: And?

XERXES: And my daughter’s hand in marriage.

CAESAR: Is this Shadana the Personality?

XERXES: Yes, the very same.

(PAUSE)

CAESAR: We’ll take the 50,000 in gold.

XERXES: And my daughter?

CAESAR: Just the gold, but thank you.

XERXES: How about 60,000 and my daughter?

CAESAR: How about 40,000 without?

XERXES: 80,000 with?

CAESAR: 20,000 without?

XERXES: 100,000 with?

CAESAR: Look, let’s just call it quits.

XERXES: You want to fight over her?

THEME OUT.

END.

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones