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Do I have what it takes to be a man? Who is going to show me how to be a man? A father? How can I prove that I am man? Today's episode is part four of a five part series called The Father Factor. In this series we are unpacking God's vision for fathers, the role of a father, the signs and symptoms of a father wound, the difference between an orphan spirit and sonship, and the different seasons of the father wound.
Creators and Guests
What is You Can Mentor: A Christian Youth Mentoring Podcast?
You Can Mentor is a network that equips and encourages mentors and mentoring leaders through resources and relationships to love God, love others, and make disciples in their own community. We want to see Christian mentors thrive.
We want to hear from you! Send any mentoring questions to hello@youcanmentor.com, and we'll answer them on our podcast. We want to help you become the best possible mentor you can be. Also, if you are a mentoring organization, church, or non-profit, connect with us to join our mentoring network or to be spotlighted on our show.
Please find out more at www.youcanmentor.com or find us on social media. You will find more resources on our website to help equip and encourage mentors. We have downloadable resources, cohort opportunities, and an opportunity to build relationships with other Christian mentoring leaders.
You can mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships with kids from hard places in the name of Jesus. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest in the lives of others. You can mentor.
Speaker 2:Hey. How's everyone doing today? Zach Garza here with the You Can Mentor podcast. That was pretty good.
Speaker 3:That was great.
Speaker 2:Here with my second best friend, Stephen Murray. Wanna give a shout out to Kyle Blair, the blur, if you're listening to this.
Speaker 3:Kyle, I hate you.
Speaker 2:I'm just kidding. Let's see. My best friends, Justice Marimi is up there, Kyle Blair.
Speaker 3:To rub it in. I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:Just wanted to Kyle is a is listener, and I wanna give him a shout out because I appreciate him. Means a lot, Blur. Thanks, buddy.
Speaker 3:I guess most people hate their bosses. So this is the the the one boss I don't I don't know what you call me, employee relationship, where the employee thinks his boss is his best friend.
Speaker 2:That might be a symptom of the father wound.
Speaker 3:I need you.
Speaker 2:Alright. Enough with the joking. Let's talk about the main questions that stem from the father wound. Murdog, help us out here, bud.
Speaker 3:Yeah. This is good. Hopefully, this episode is a little, less drink from the fire hydrant. If you checked out last week's episode, we talked about a ton of stuff with the orphan spirit versus the the spirit of sonship. If you didn't check out the resources, I wanna highly encourage you to go to our website and download that mug so you can really read through and process the symptoms and signs of an orphan spirit.
Speaker 3:This episode, we're gonna just go through a few questions that stem from the father wound so to be a little more easy to track with. The first question we're gonna talk about is, do I have what it takes to be a man?
Speaker 2:Yeah. And that that right there is a question that so many young men ask themselves, starting from a pretty early age. Because manhood is something that is passed on from an older man to a young man. It isn't like you can go to the store and be like, I'd like some Cheetos, maybe some, Doctor Pepper and some manhood, please. Instead, like, manhood isn't an initiation.
Speaker 2:There's a saying that I'll get to here in a second that proves that, but it is bestowed. And and the only way to really pass on manhood is through relationship. Whether it's it's a father or a father figure who says kinda one or more of the following phrases, you're mine. When you say you are mine in some way, it obviously doesn't have to be that straightforward, but this makes a child feel protected and covered. You have what it takes.
Speaker 2:This inserts courage into the heart of a child. You belong here. This makes a child feel like they have something to offer and that they have, worth that someone kind of wants them to be a part of their tribe or their family. I believe in you. Like, this is wind in the sail of a child.
Speaker 2:It gives them confidence. They don't have to worry. Do I have enough? Am I enough? Can I do this?
Speaker 2:Because someone's telling him, no, like, you do have what it takes. I do believe in you. I am here for you. A kid knows that if he fails, it's okay. Like, it's not the end of the world.
Speaker 2:Just because they fail doesn't mean that they're a failure, like, love is still going to be provided. They have someone to run to, and if they fall down, they've got someone who can help them back up. And, like, it's totally okay, mentors, if you're hearing this to be like this upfront and blunt saying these things. Look your the kid who you're mentoring in the eyes and say, hey, man. I just want you to know that you really do have what it takes to be a good man.
Speaker 3:Yeah. That's really good.
Speaker 2:And that, like, you're mine. And I'm not mentoring you because I have to. I'm mentoring you because you're worth it and because I love you. And, like, yeah, that's super intimate. I understand that.
Speaker 2:But those are the words that our kids need to hear. Hey, man. I just want you to know that I'm bringing you into my life because you have so much to offer, and you belong here. I believe in you, man. Like, I believe you can become fill in the blank.
Speaker 2:I believe you can graduate high score. I believe you can overcome this obstacle. I believe you can become a good husband and father, and you can become what you didn't have. Even for children who come from ideal homes, like, becoming an adult is hard. Like, it's a major area of transition, and any transition is hard.
Speaker 2:But the power of your words can really encourage and really inspire any child, but specifically a kid from a hard place.
Speaker 3:That's really good, Zach. I think it it's more than just actions that show these things. We literally have to say it Yeah. And make sure it's clear. I I think for most mentors, they expect, you know, their your mentee to be like, well, my dream is to be in the NBA or get drafted or or something.
Speaker 3:And in a way, there's a feeling as a mentor that I need to adjust my mentee's expectations for his future, and, well, you know, like, statistically speaking, there's not much opportunity for you in the in the league. And given your potential, I don't I don't know if that's possible. Rather than have that conversation, we have this conversation. I love you. I care for you.
Speaker 3:I believe in you. You have what it takes. And and as a mentor, our focus is not just necessarily speaking into a future role or dream, but actually these underlying questions that they're asking about do I have what it takes to be a man? I've never heard a mentee say that. Right.
Speaker 3:But they all feel it. And those are the questions we're addressing are the questions that they feel inside, not necessarily the ones that they're asking.
Speaker 2:Well and what's so crazy about this is this isn't just the kid from a hard place. Like, I have so many friends. Steven, you might actually be able to speak into this. I have so many friends who are like, man, the only thing I want is for my dad to say that he's proud of me. I just want my dad to say, like, 4 words, like, I love you, son.
Speaker 2:I love you for you, not for what you do. And this and this goes back to relationships change life series, the 3 a's. Whenever those words aren't spoken, people are left to question. That gives the enemy, like, a foothold to insecurity. I don't know if I have the tools or the strength to make this journey alone.
Speaker 2:And so like this isn't just from kids from hard places, although it it for sure is, it's kind of for everyone. Mhmm. Which brings us back to just the importance of a father.
Speaker 3:I like what you said that manhood isn't something you can pick up from the grocery store. A lot of the times it's just assumed that we're men and that that hasn't been imparted to us in some way and that we've received our own conception of what manhood is from the men that are around us, and that it is a process of coming into manhood that I think for a lot of people they never had an entry point where someone was like, okay. You're no longer a boy. Now you're a man. I think that transition, like, that's a that's a very important aspect of our development is coming into manhood.
Speaker 3:And I think a lot of a lot of us struggle to identify where was our entry point into this. Where where when did we become a man, and do we have what it takes?
Speaker 2:And, like, that that really is important because society will lie to you and say, you're a man if. Right? You're a man if you do these things. If a man doesn't come and say, hey, this is who you are, this is your identity. The enemy is just gonna get all over that And he is gonna make you think like, hey, what happens if if you fail?
Speaker 2:What happens if you you don't have what it takes to be a man? People won't love you. They will make fun of you. You can't do it. You are not smart enough.
Speaker 2:You are you are not good enough. You are not this enough. You are going to be alone for the rest of your life because what girl is going to want to get. Right? And just like all these lies come.
Speaker 2:A mentor, a father bestows identity, like he says, you are mine. He says, whose you are? You're mine, you're God's, and who you are. But the enemy wants to tell them that their identity is worthless. You have nothing to offer.
Speaker 2:No one's gonna be there for you. That's why it's so important for a man to speak into a young man's life, to speak into a child's life. There's a saying that I really like, and it's kind of confusing, but I think that you guys will be able to pick it up, and it's this. A man doesn't believe he's a man until a man he believes is a man tells him he's a man. A boy doesn't believe that he's turning into a man until someone who he sees as a man and someone who he respects and someone who he trusts puts his finger in his chest and says, hey, dude, you're a man.
Speaker 2:And in the same way when talking about girls, when talking about females, right, it's a woman doesn't believe she's a woman. Now, catch this, until a man she believes is a man tells her she's a woman. Wow. At first, I was like, I don't know if that's true. But talking to some of our staff who have seen this, she'll say, no, that's that's dead on because fathers give identity.
Speaker 2:And so just this, do I have what it takes to be a man? I believe that a father needs to answer that question. And more than that, once he answers it, he can point them to the heavenly father.
Speaker 3:Right? I don't know how many people you were friends with or in relationship with in high school that had really a really bad experience with their dads. And it was like the mantra that they would recite is like, well, I'm never gonna be like him, or I'm gonna be such a better dad than my dad ever was for me. And every time I heard that from people, I always thought about, well, who's who's gonna show you how to do that if you didn't have an example? Because it's one thing to desire to be better than our dad was, and I feel like everyone would probably say that even if you had a good dad, you still wanna be a better dad than them.
Speaker 3:But I I think that leads us into our next question is, like, who's gonna help me and show me how to be a man, how to be a father? I think that's a question that that every every boy asks himself when it comes to the father wound. Who's gonna show me how
Speaker 2:to be a man? Yeah. And every kid is gonna learn how to carry themselves from someone, like, from somewhere. Like, we learn how to survive, how to advance, how to how to carry ourselves by watching other people, like, more is caught than taught. I learned how to be a man from 2 things, the TV screen and the CD player.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna be honest, and I know that this sounds funny, but it's so true. Like, I was obsessed with rap music whenever I was in junior high in high school. Like, I played basketball and like, as a basketball player, like, you didn't do things like you smoked weed and you listened to rap music. And like, I loved my main man, Tupac Shakur. Like, listening to Tupac, if you guys don't know who he is, then just hop on Google.
Speaker 2:But Tupac is he is I watched a documentary about Tupac and Biggie. Man, like, Tupac Shakur is just everything that he is stems from growing up without a father. Like, if you listen to the song, dear mama, he talks about, like, I joined gangs because all I wanted was love, and these were the people who were giving me love because I didn't have a dad. Like, he says that in his lyrics. Along I was looking for a father, he was gone.
Speaker 2:I hung around with the thugs, and even though they sold drugs, they showed a young brother love. He was talking about these things that no one else was talking about. Right? So many of his songs, like, so many tears or keep your head up or dear mama. Like, all of these songs and guys, I know it sounds funny, but, like, they taught me things.
Speaker 2:Like, they taught me that I had to put on my best self. That I couldn't trust anyone. That, like, appearance is everything. Look good. Act tough.
Speaker 2:Like, you're on your own. Like, this world is a bad place, and you need to do what you gotta do to survive. There are lyrics in his songs that actually say, like, this world is a war zone. Right? And, like, these are the things that, like, I would fall asleep listening to.
Speaker 3:I
Speaker 2:mean, for, like, years, almost a decade, Tupac shaped a lot of what I thought a man was. Like, you had to get money, you had to look good, you had to get tough, you had to get girls. Like, you couldn't let anyone think that you were weak because if they thought that you were weak and then they take you out. But the next thing is the TV screen. Right?
Speaker 2:It's like I loved movies like Pulp Fiction or Good Will Hunting or Fight Club. And like Pulp Fiction, it showed me that like drugs and crime, like not not that big a deal. Goodwill Hunting instilled in me that, like, friends are my family. That, like, they're the only ones that I can really trust. And, like, Fight Club, like, well, you guys can guess what Fight Club taught me.
Speaker 2:But it's it isn't like I'm this, like, super tough guy. But, like, I remember, like, I was so filled with anger that, like, the best way to get that out was just to get in fights. I don't think it's too much to say that I honestly can look back and say I learned a lot about being a man by listening to music and watching movies. Because there was literally no man in my life who was talking about the things that Tupac was talking about. Like, there was no one in my life who is showing me how to have healthy relationships with my friends or with girls or with, like, drugs.
Speaker 2:Like, yes, I saw that don't do drugs, but there was no adult in my life. There's no man in my life saying, hey, let's talk about this. Tupac and watching these movies were the only ones who were talking about it. The only men in my life were guys at church. And if I am being honest, I didn't want to be like them.
Speaker 2:Like, they didn't give me something to aspire to. Society and culture taught me how to be a man. Musicians and actors were honestly the only ones there to help me because only a man can teach a boy how to become a man. Right? There is the saying, right, that says, tell me I'll forget, show me I'll remember, involve me and I'll understand.
Speaker 2:And there was no one there to involve me.
Speaker 3:I would say, like, the example of of an actor or a movie or an artist, the example they're putting forward is I don't wanna say provocative, but I do wanna say that it's it's loud. And so you're getting an example and you're seeing someone live a life and so in a way they are answering the question who's gonna show me how to be a man Since I'm seeing their life or their art or this movie, you are getting the the question you're asking in the inside, you're getting an answer. And it's it's better than any other answer you're receiving, and it's speaking to issues that you're you're feeling on the inside. So
Speaker 2:Well, it's the only answer that I'm getting. Yeah. Right? And I know it sounds dumb that, like, you might be hearing this and be like, this guy learned how to be a man by listening to Tupac? Like, yes, that sounds absurd.
Speaker 2:Yes, that is absurd. It's also the truth. Like, there are so many kids who we mentor, kids from hard places, who they don't have one positive male in their life. They don't have any male in their life. And so the only males that they know are LeBron James or Kanye or right?
Speaker 2:Like, those are literally the only men in their lives. And so it only makes sense that they would look to them and be like, well, they're my only examples. I'm gonna follow them. Manhood is bestowed like only a man can teach a boy how to become a man. We need someone who's been there before, someone who can show us the ropes.
Speaker 2:We need someone to say, hey, don't step here. It's bad news. Instead, go there. Go here. That's how you succeed.
Speaker 2:We need a guide. We we need someone to give us a map. We need an actual person to sit there and pick us up whenever we fall down. We don't need someone barking orders. I don't need someone who's setting the bar too high and who's setting un unachievable results.
Speaker 2:I don't need someone who's going to sit me down and say, okay. Here's how you become a man. Step 1, don't look at pornography. Step 2,
Speaker 3:mold the yard.
Speaker 2:Go to college. Right? Like, we don't need that. Like, yes, there's wisdom in those things, but that's not what we need. We need a relationship because relationships change lives.
Speaker 2:We need a man in our life. We don't need a man on the sidelines. We need someone who's engaged and who challenges us, someone who gives us their attention. If all I needed was instructions, I'd have a bunch of books and hop on YouTube, but that's not what we need. We need a father, someone to initiate us, someone to look him in the eyes and say, good job.
Speaker 2:You have what it takes. I'm proud of you. And if you fall down, don't worry about it because I'm here for you. We need someone to push them and someone who's gonna support them. Right?
Speaker 2:I was initiated in into manhood whenever someone challenged me, whenever someone gave me like courage, whenever I thought that I couldn't do it, I learned how to lead whenever a man gave me an opportunity to lead. Like not because they did it for me, not because they removed the obstacles, because initiation is a process, it's a journey. Like, we've got to remember that Jesus didn't start his ministry till he was 30, like 30 years old. Why? Well, because it takes a while to figure, like, it takes a while to figure these things out.
Speaker 2:Like, if it took Jesus 30 years to kind of become a leader, then, like, how much longer is it going to take us, especially if we don't have a father figure around? What was Jesus doing for those 30 years? I believe He was being initiated. He was maturing. He was being equipped with what He needed to do to to do the Father's will.
Speaker 2:So, like, be patient. Like, this is gonna take time. It'll take years. Like, becoming a mature man of God, it's not a fast process. It takes lesson after lesson.
Speaker 2:It takes patience and persistence. And if you try to rush the process, then you're gonna mess everything up because God's timing is perfect.
Speaker 3:Something about this question made me think about Jesus and the difference between how he was a teacher and these other rabbis around around the hood in Galilee. How how it worked in the synagogue was that if you were a student of the law, you sought out a rabbi to to follow after. Like, you went to them. You said, I want you to teach me how to live. I wanna walk in the dust of your feet, all this stuff.
Speaker 3:Jesus shows up, and the main thing Jesus says is, come follow me. He's giving an invitation to guys to come follow him. It's not the disciples seeking after him initially. It's him seeking after them. And I think when it comes to this question of who's gonna show me how to be a man, the idea of a mentor is we're the one giving the invitation.
Speaker 3:These boys in our organization, I don't think any of them of their own accord said, hey, Forerunner, I really want a mentor. Can you get me a mentor? It was probably their mom that initiated and tried to make that connection with us. Yeah. And I I think really that's that's something that's beautiful about the heart of Jesus in mentoring is that we are the ones that give the invitation.
Speaker 3:We are the ones that bring the relationship. That that's our responsibility is to step into that space and answer the question that they're asking internally that no one else is answering because we don't hear their voice. Sometimes we make light of the fact
Speaker 2:that, like, our boys, the only professions that they know is, like, professional professional athlete. Why is that? If you really think about that, like, it's a pretty deep, like, deep question. Like, why is that all of our boys answers? Like, I wanna be in the NBA.
Speaker 2:I wanna be a professional football player. And the answer is, it's sad. It's because they're the only people, they're the only male adults who have invited them into anything. And like, yeah, it's not like LeBron's being like, hey, come and be an NBA player. But but really he is because he sees him every night.
Speaker 2:He sees him on SportsCenter. He sees him on commercials. Our boys idolize that. If you go into 2 different schools, a school that is filled with kids who come from 2 parent households whose dads are engaged, and then a school where, like, the kids, maybe they're a bunch of kids from hard places, and you ask them what they wanna be when they grow up, it's totally different answers. The kids who have healthy families, like, they have just been exposed to more.
Speaker 2:They know what an architect is. They know what it means to be a banker or to be in business. Right? Why? Because there's someone there telling them, teaching them, exposing them.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. But for our kids who are kids from hard places, they don't have any men who are telling them these things. And if they do, perhaps they're not positive. The only men they have in their life are these sports stars. And so, of course, that's who they wanna be.
Speaker 2:And on top of that, society is telling them, hey, if you wanna get out, if you wanna make it out of here, that's the ticket. If you watch any of these ESPN, 30 for thirties, or e sixties, any documentaries on kids from hard places who have become professional athletes, like, you hear the same thing over and over and over. They became that because it was their only way out. Mhmm. And that's sad.
Speaker 3:The third question people with a father wound ask internally is, how can I prove to myself and others that I'm a man? Yeah. And this goes back
Speaker 2:to what we talked about last episode with the false masculinity or the apathy. Right? And so if it's apathy, they're just not gonna try at all. They're saying to themselves, I know I don't have what it takes, so I'm just not even gonna try. So we're gonna focus in on this false masculinity.
Speaker 2:And there's this book, it's called Seasons of Life by Marx, and they have the saying. Karl Marx? Jeffrey Marx. Okay.
Speaker 3:Just making sure. No. Thanks.
Speaker 2:The saying is this, from the ball field to the bedroom to the billfold. And basically, what they say is that's how a boy proves that he's a man. Mhmm. First, it's the ball field, right? Like they have athletic ability.
Speaker 2:Somehow, if you can shoot a basketball, crush a baseball, catch a football, you're immediately elevated to just this level of, oh, he's a man. Right? That's the ball field. And not only that, but the kids who can't do that, they get deflated and pushed to the side. Right?
Speaker 2:It is the, I'm the last kid picked in kickball. Right? Like, man, that's gotta do a number on your self worth. But if you can hit a baseball, if you can be be an athlete, like, you are elevated to just this this new level, and that's the ball field. The second thing is the bedroom.
Speaker 2:Right? And that's sexual conquest. That's like sex becomes something that validates manhood. Like, I'm a man if. You know, like, how many times have you heard boys say, you're not a man until you have sex.
Speaker 2:And, like, unfortunately, that is pervasive across society. Like, you're a man whenever you get laid. And because of that, like, boys manipulate and, like, use girls as a tool to kinda get something that they want. But, like, the reward is, like, celebration. Like, oh, okay.
Speaker 2:Like, you had sex with her? Okay. You're a real man now. And so, like, from the ball field to the bedroom, and then as they grow up, it's to the billfold. And, like, I've seen this with people who are 30, 50, 70.
Speaker 2:They prove that they're a man based on how much money is in their bank account. This economic success, it depends on your title, your bank account, the things that you own. This concept of power in possessions tells us whether or not you're a real man. And, like, here in America, like, so many of our kids are, like, man, this guy's a real man because he has 3 cars or because he has a huge house. I can remember as a kid, like, if a man had a 2 story house, whoo.
Speaker 2:I was like, man, this guy is loaded. Right? But, like, unfortunately, like, there's a lot of adults out there who, like, prove their worth based on their title, based on their bank account, based on cash. Unfortunately, that is this false masculinity. I am a man because I'm good at sports.
Speaker 2:Get girls. Have money.
Speaker 3:I think that's a pretty good generalization. In that, I didn't hear character. Like, my character shows that I'm I'm manly. Like, it's all about trophies, status, accolades.
Speaker 2:And in fact, it's actually almost the opposite. Right? Like, boys think if you forgive, if you are honest That's weak. It's weak. So how jacked up has Satan made society to where the bad things are celebrated and the good things are pushed down upon?
Speaker 2:Mhmm. Like, I feel so bad for kids who are genuinely nice kids, because in elementary school, junior high, and high school, they get just pushed around and harassed. The good guy is never celebrated in high school. But then, like, as soon as you finish high school, it's, like, what wasn't cool in high school is now, like, the thing that actually makes you, like, super popular. Society actually, like, people like it when people are nice.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:But as a kid growing up in your most vulnerable time, that is looked down upon.
Speaker 3:The next question that stems from the father wound that we ask internally is where am I gonna get my needs met?
Speaker 2:Yeah. And this kinda comes back to the, like, it's up to me. Right? Like, my dad was supposed to provide these things. He was supposed to cover me up, protect me, but, like, because for one reason or another, they're not there, it's up to the kid to do it.
Speaker 2:And, like, that's a pretty big burden for a for a child of any age to carry. Sometimes, like, they pull up their bootstraps and they do it. Like, we've got kids in our program who are 12, who in the summertime, they take care of their 3 siblings who are all under the age of 5. Right? But this also kind of creates a negative side effect like anger or like no self confidence because they just can't do it or like they're starving for attention, acceptance that they haven't gotten.
Speaker 2:Right? Like this is kind of the basis of the 3 a's. And so, like, ultimately, the answer to where am I gonna get my needs met is it's up to me. Right? And that is an orphan spirit if I've ever heard one.
Speaker 2:Like, no one's taking care of me. It's up to me. It's my job. Let's do it.
Speaker 3:Next question stemming from the father wound is, will everyone leave me like my dad did?
Speaker 2:I think that this one's hard because a kid is not going to be able to verbally process this question. If you're a mentor and a kid's not letting you in, if he's not giving you his trust, he's not gonna be like, hey, I just want you to know that I'm not letting you in and sharing my life because of my dad. I've got trust issues, and I'm working through them, but just just be patient. Yeah. Like, no.
Speaker 2:A kid can't say that. But because they're so fearful of being left again that, like, they self protect.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Like, they don't let people in because they believe if if I let them in, then they'll get to know me. And if they get to know me, they'll find out the real me. And if they find out the real me, they'll leave me. And if they leave me, it'll hurt. So I'm not even gonna start that process.
Speaker 2:And I won't start it because I won't let them in. And that's that self protection. Right? It isn't that they don't like you, it's that they're terrified. And the last person that they let in hurt them.
Speaker 2:It also creates this this negative narrative. Right? Like, they for sure do not believe the best. Why? Because they were burned by the most important person in their life.
Speaker 2:Right? If their dad didn't stick around, then why in the world would this stranger stick around? They believe that people will leave, which makes them self protect, makes them open up, and they believe the worst. And this is what's so hard about that is the result of that is relationships with this kid are super difficult. And so it's almost like some kids that we mentor, they make life really hard on the person who's mentoring them just so the mentor can get frustrated, the mentor can leave, and they can say to themselves, see, I told you they'd leave.
Speaker 2:They left because I'm not lovable. There's like a short leash. They they look for ways and they make it so hard so that they can say, see, I knew I couldn't trust them. And there's lack of grace. They hold grudges.
Speaker 2:They don't forgive. They're believing the worst. And it's almost like this self fulfilling prophecy. Like, I'm not gonna let them in because they're gonna leave me. But then when they do let you in, they make it so hard that the chances of you leaving actually skyrocket.
Speaker 2:And then when you leave, they say, see, I knew it. Mhmm. Not doing that again.
Speaker 3:Yeah. It's kinda like the a child's version of confirmation bias. Like, if you have a question, you can ask your question in Google to, like, inform the answer that it's gonna give you. Is coffee really good for you? Like, if I put that question in Google search results, it's gonna tell me, oh, yeah.
Speaker 3:Coffee's great for you. You're like, told you. Look. Coffee is great for you. But if you typed in Google search, is coffee bad for you?
Speaker 3:Like, the answer is probably gonna be, oh, yeah. You gotta watch out. Caffeine levels, super bad. Like and I think I think that's that's something that you see in kids is that they have an answer that they believe is true about this mentor relationship, and they're gonna do whatever they can to confirm the narrative or the the understanding they have of relationships is that I can't trust you and I'm gonna show you why I can't because this is gonna happen. I I have one more thought just about our tendency in culture is toward more surface level relationships.
Speaker 3:Facebook, social media, it allows us to put forward a mask of who we are. We don't have to let people in and that's that's socially normative, like everybody lives in that realm of like not taking risks because I don't know if I can trust you with who I who I really am. I mean that was a mantra I had in school, like when I was in high school. I believed if anyone truly knew me they could never love me, and so like, thinking back my closest friends in high school, I played basketball with them. We had this activity.
Speaker 3:The predominant part of our relationship was just doing something together and not talking about anything personal, or I would play video games. And it's literally like you're an avatar of a character living your life, connecting with people, mostly shooting people, but gives you this opportunity to just experience life with people without actually letting them in to what you're going through personally. And and I think that, yeah, I just think that the tendency for us to move toward surface level relationships is a reactionary spot of we have all of this stuff inside that we don't want people to see, we don't want people to experience, and we have a fear of if we let people in, they're gonna leave, and so we
Speaker 2:won't let them in. And that right there is, like, it's just this arrow saying the foundation of this orphan spirit is fear.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Like, what's gonna happen if?
Speaker 3:And I I remember, and I don't know if you'll want want to take this out of the podcast, but there's this moment with my dad. I'm in my room, this is high school. I'm masturbating. He walks in on me. Most awkward moment ever.
Speaker 3:He opened the door, he saw me, he shut the door, he walked back downstairs. About 20 minutes later, I walked downstairs to talk to him about it because I was just like, this is so awkward. And he did not want to talk about it. He was just like, let's just close the book. We don't have to address it.
Speaker 3:And I cannot get that moment out of my head of how that affected me because what that signal to me was that in a situation where my dad saw what I was doing behind closed doors, that even when I tried to have a conversation about it we couldn't talk about it. My response was, well if I can't talk about it with him and he knows about it, obviously we can't talk about difficult things and we should just close the book on anything that's not putting forward our best our best foot forward or anything that's difficult. And I mean, in my relationship with him it was always being a man is figuring it out on your own. Our experiences of talking about difficult things change the way we approach those conversations. And so if we have a negative experience talking about tough things we're more likely to never talk about them and just suppress it all.
Speaker 2:Well, and let me ask you a question. First off, thank you for being honest there. But
Speaker 3:I wrote a I wrote a poem about that slam poem, and I shared it in church, and it was, it was the most awkward thing ever.
Speaker 2:I don't doubt that. How how did that moment, that lie that you believed? Right? Tell me just a couple other ways. You don't have to go into a ton of detail.
Speaker 2:How has that impacted you in areas of your life that you thought that it would never even touch?
Speaker 3:Yeah. I mean, that situation, just like your your biggest fear ever when you're into pornography and masturbation is, like, someone's gonna see this. Yeah. And ultimately, I wanna say it was kind of freeing, like, that I was found out and, like, someone someone saw it. But the fact that I couldn't talk about it after the fact, I think that that that really messed me up and led me to just further insulate and isolate myself and not let people in.
Speaker 3:And so I I mean and to be honest, I wasn't in the church at this time. I never thought that it was it was healthy to share sin or whatever, like, it was it was more of like I need to shut this down, never talk about it, hide it even more. And when I got into college and I met Jesus, I recognized that confession of sin was for your healing and for your freedom. And so it was like that conversation I wanted to have with my dad could have led to a lot of freedom for me, where he could have been like, hey, you know what, son? It's okay.
Speaker 3:Like like, hey, let's talk about this. And I just remember in in college when I started actually sharing sin with people around me, my biggest fear was that people were gonna reject me, but ultimately what it led to was, like, I received grace, love, and mercy, and freedom by, like, bringing those things into the light and asking questions of, like, do you guys do this? Does is this something that affects your relationships? Like, what are you what are you hiding? And and so I don't know if that answers your question, but I definitely think that that situation spoke to me that I just need to further isolate and protect myself from being found out.
Speaker 3:And that it wasn't wasn't necessarily I was doing something wrong, it was that I didn't lock the door. I didn't do it more secretly and and keep people out of this place in your life. So it's like rather than addressing everything that's in the closet, it's just like how can I close more doors and Yeah? Keep myself free from other people knowing about it. So sorry I watched porn when I was in high school.
Speaker 2:I didn't.
Speaker 3:But, yeah, that sucks. So
Speaker 2:Alright. Take us to that last question, Steven.
Speaker 3:Last question. Well, there's there's a lot of questions that we probably haven't addressed, but this is the last one we have. Yeah. Is who is gonna take care of me and my family?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So, like, this is, this is a big question. And, really depending on how you're wired, like, there is an enormous weight on some of our kids to believe that they really are the man of the house when they're 10. And that, like, it's their job to take care of their family, of their mom. And that's just a huge weight to carry for any person, much less a kid, much less a kid who comes from a hard place.
Speaker 2:And it really, like, it kinda points to a bigger issue. Like, I hear mentors sometimes say, well, why don't they just study? Or why don't they just go to college? Like, why can't they just do that? And this kinda answers that.
Speaker 2:Like, Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Right? Like, the very bottom tier of that pyramid is food, warmth, water, rest. And it's like, my family needs food and I have to take care of my siblings, or do I need to study for algebra 2? Right?
Speaker 2:Our kids aren't, like, doing their homework because they're working 2 jobs so they can put food on the table for their family. Just like it kind of comes back to that that fear, like, okay, no one's gonna take care of me. No one's gonna take care of my family, so I have to at the detriment of my future. Who is gonna keep my family secure? Who is gonna keep them safe?
Speaker 2:That's why there's kids who have guns. I've gotta take care of this because if I don't, then no one will and my family might get hurt. Or just that, like, belongingness and, like, love needs. Like, I can remember whenever I was in high school, if it was a question of, am I gonna study for a test tomorrow or go hang out with my friends? I chose my friends 100% of the time.
Speaker 2:Like, wasn't even a question to me. Why is that? Because the need for belonging, the need for love is so much greater than, like, my need to, like, have a good future. I know that the media loves to spotlight the kid who comes from, like, this terrible situation, and now they're a doctor. Don't don't get me wrong.
Speaker 2:That's awesome. But, like, that kid was, like, 1 in a 1000000. Like, for every kid who was in that exact same spot, like, they probably didn't become a doctor, but their environment kinda swallowed them up. And why is that? Well, because, like, they were focused on their needs, like, physiological needs, safety needs, belongingness.
Speaker 2:And more than that, like, feeling accomplished, like having self esteem, like, I'm gonna get my worth met in sports more than, like, academics. Why? Because in sports, I can prove that I can accomplish things. Right? I used to be a football coach.
Speaker 2:And there were so many kids who were kids from hard places who cared so much more about sports than academics, even though they logically knew that academics was gonna provide for them a better future. But they wanted to do sports because in sports, they excelled, and that made them feel good. Very few players play football after high school. Very few. And yet there's so many high school kids who in football season, they're spending 50 hours a week in football.
Speaker 3:It's everything.
Speaker 2:Like, it is their god. And then but they're not spending that time on academics, even though academics will put food on their table. Why is that? Well, because, like, who is gonna take care of their family? Who's gonna take care of me?
Speaker 2:Well, for someone to take care of me, they're gonna make me feel good and sports makes me feel good. So that's why I'm doing it. At the very top of Maslow's hierarchy of needs is that fulfilling one's potential. But, like, you can only obtain that whenever physiological, safety, belongingness, esteem, all those are met. And those are met so often through family.
Speaker 2:There is an answer to this issue, and the answer is family. And it is not good for man to be alone, but Satan knows that, and that's why he wants to kill family. That who is gonna take care of me and my family? Well, it is up to them, and that's a real huge weight for a kid to carry.
Speaker 3:And I think I think that's that's probably the most difficult part about all of these questions is that for someone with the father wound, they see themselves as the answer to every one of these questions. Which that
Speaker 2:is the root of an orphan spirit, that it's it's on me, and, like, that weight can crush someone no matter how strong you are. But the Lord says, hey, give me that weight. Like, though, the Lord says, trust me. Come underneath my covering, come into my family, and trust that I'll take care of you. But for some of our kids, like, they live that way for the 1st 20 years of their life, it's a pretty big transition from orphan to son.
Speaker 2:Right? Actual orphans, kids who are adopted. Right? Like, if you take a kid who's been in the foster care system for 15 years and place them in a perfect home, they're still gonna have some issues.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Because for the last 15 years, their mind has been trained to think a certain way. If you hear these stories, like, there are stories of foster kids, of kids who are adopted into a safe home where, I mean, the pantry is stocked, like, there's a ton of food. They don't have to worry about it. But they're hoarding food underneath their bed out of fear of not having because for so long, they have feared not having. And, like, that is crazy.
Speaker 2:That breaks my heart. That just goes to show you that, like, this, I have to take care of myself mindset can just absolutely destroy someone. Yeah. And it's not how we were supposed to live.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:It is not good for man to be alone.
Speaker 3:In the book I'm reading currently, he's unpacking that Matthew 11 28, come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you for my yoke is easy and my burden is light, which I love that passage. And he he says, isn't it interesting that Jesus gives this invitation to rest and then he uses this picture of working a field? Take take my yoke upon you. He's like, shouldn't he just kept with that theme of rest and, like, gone with that?
Speaker 3:But then Jesus just says, no, my yoke is easy, my burden is light. He kinda unpacks that really just in, like, what you said, everyone has a father wound, everyone has a weight to carry, everyone has a burden, and Jesus doesn't just come and alleviate a burden. He takes it upon himself and he shows us how to carry it. And that finding true rest is not just the alleviation of suffering of a burden of the father wound, but actually healing is found in walking with Jesus through that process and taking on his lifestyle. And his burden is light.
Speaker 3:His yoke is easy. It's not it's not just removing it, but walking with him in it. And I think that that's that's comforting to me because I think the Christian life, we just feel like Jesus is just gonna take all this stuff from us, and he's gonna solve it. And and I don't want to minimize all of the freedom and liberty and healing and peace and rest that Jesus does bring, but ultimately in this life we do have trouble. But he's overcome and he wants to walk us through it.
Speaker 3:And he wants to walk with every single person with a father wound that's asking these questions and to show them that he's the answer and to take his yoke.
Speaker 2:These are the questions that might stem from the father wound. I hope that you guys enjoyed hearing these and, that you can maybe see if your mentee is somehow in some way asking these questions. My encouragement to you as a mentor is, hey, speak truth into the heart of the kid that you're mentoring. Be bold. Be courageous.
Speaker 2:Say the hard things. Say, hey. I believe in you. I love you. I'm here because you matter, because you have worth.
Speaker 2:If you wanna contact us, you can via email. You can find our email in the show notes. Be sure to follow us on social media, Instagram, Facebook, all of that good stuff. And tell your friends, if you know any mentoring org in your city who could use this podcast or who could benefit in being in relationship with us, please let us know. Our vision is to really engage every mentoring org in the name of Jesus in the nation so that we can learn how to better mentor kids from hard places.
Speaker 2:And if you heard one thing from this episode, let it be this, you can mentor.