171 Can You Trust Yourself Inside a Yes? | Barbara Patterson

Show Notes

What if the real question isn’t whether it will work out, but whether you can trust yourself inside the yes?

In this solo episode, Barb explores what happens after we feel the aliveness, the curiosity, the expansion of a yes, and how quickly the mind and nervous system move in to manage, predict, and protect.

Through reflections from her own life and leadership, Barb unpacks what she calls the “fragility trap”. The subtle way we treat ourselves as if we can’t handle growth, uncertainty, or expansion.

This conversation isn’t about forcing or pushing harder. It’s about trusting your capacity to meet the journey, the contraction and the expansion, and staying present inside your commitment.

If you’ve been hovering at the edge of something meaningful, this episode is an invitation to back yourself and discover you are far less fragile than you think.

Thank you for listening and for being part of this journey.

SHOW NOTES:

[00:00] - Welcome to the Innerverse of Business and Life Podcast!

[00:56] - Exploring Trust and Commitment

[09:32] - The Power of Saying Yes

[16:25] - Navigating Doubts and Comparisons

[21:39] - Embracing Growth and Aliveness

[26:30] - Thank you for listening to the Innerverse of Business and Life Podcast!

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What is The Innerverse of Business & Life?

This podcast is a space to explore the profound connection between our inner world and our work in the world. We dive deep into the heart of what it means to live and work from a felt knowing of our essential selves – aligned, alive, and fully expressed. We’ll play at the intersection of business, spirituality, consciousness, and growth.

Through intimate conversations with thought leaders, change-makers, authors, and humans just like you and me, you’ll hear real stories of transformation and the internal shifts, “aha” moments, and wake-up calls that have helped them to access new dimensions of creativity, higher levels of intelligence, unlock dormant potentials and experience greater joy and fulfillment.

Barbara Patterson (00:56)
Hi everyone, welcome to the Interverse of Business and Life. I'm Barb and I'm really grateful that you're here. Today I want to explore a question I've been sitting with lately. Can I trust myself to live inside a yes? Can I trust myself inside of a commitment? Will I follow through? Will I show up in the way I hope? Will it all work out?

If it's something that I've tried before or similar to a previous experience that didn't go the way I'd hope, I might be wondering if I'll do it half-heartedly like before, or will I have mediocre results? Will I really be able to rise to the occasion or live up to this kind of hopefulness that I feel in the yes? It's that idea that

We feel this aliveness, we feel this kind of excitement, this curiosity come alive in us to say yes. But then it's as if we rush to the mind and we start filling it with all these potential what if scenarios and we treat that level of expansion and that aliveness like it's a threat.

We start to manage or predict all the variables. We want to know how we're going to feel, how we're going to respond, and again, will it work out for us? And this is something I've been thinking about as the fragility trap. We treat ourselves as if we're fragile, specifically when we withhold the aliveness, when we suppress that life force.

because we're worried about how we're going to feel in the future or we're worried about what it will mean if it doesn't happen the way we hope it happens. you know, examples of what I mean by holding back is it might look like you're in a meeting or you're with a potential client and you feel something come through, but you withhold saying it because you're not sure how.

it will be perceived or received. Or if you're like me, you might have delayed a project launch because it's not perfect yet, or you're waiting for absolute clarity before you take a leap. So those are all just examples of where rather than following the momentum and the flow of the enthusiasm, the inspiration, the idea of the yes, we want to

Slow things down and the mind wants the certainty about it all before we allow ourselves to keep going. So if you've ever felt like you've waited for proof that you're going to be okay or it's going to be the best experience ever before you fully commit, or if you've noticed at times you might lose time or spend a lot of time before you can make a decision looking for evidence or proof,

that it'll work out, then I think you're going to appreciate today's conversation as well. I was recently in a conversation with a client and she's at this threshold in her life where she wants to make the leap out of executive leadership and start her own business. And we talked about this specifically, the fear of saying yes.

when we don't know exactly what will be needed and we don't know what it's gonna look like. And in this specific example, she has no past frame of reference to rely on. In other words, she has a lot of expertise in her corporate world and her leadership and all of that, but the area she wants to jump into is completely in a whole new direction.

And she can't look to her past for evidence So in that conversation, we were discussing why that matters. Like why does not having any past frame of reference really matter? Or if you've tried something before and it didn't go well,

Why does that matter either? And the reason it matters is because

our nervous system treats it as something to

suppress.

So we hold back, we delay, we wait. We wait till we feel safe rather than following the aliveness.

in this conversation with her and then looking at this for myself, I really realized that underneath all of this, I think is the deeper doubt. Can I trust myself?

Can I trust myself to be able to find my way, regardless of the path and the journey? And for her, one of the things that we were talking about is how inside of her career, she's gotten promotion, she's taken on new responsibilities. And the truth is she had no past frame of reference for those, but she was willing to do it.

but there was something here where it didn't look the same. And so when we started to look at trust,

it started to open up some new possibilities. often we think trust is about the outcome. Again, will it work? Will it succeed? Will I regret it? Will I lose something? Will I be disappointed? But that's not trust. That's risk management.

the deeper question is, can I trust myself to show up? Regardless.

Can I trust myself to stay the course? Can I trust that I can handle the ups and downs of the unknown? Can I trust myself to be a beginner and evolve?

You know, what's needed isn't trust in the outcome, but trust that no matter what you have, what it takes to handle the journey. So we think often, I'm not sure I can do it when we look at outcome, but the aliveness, what's present for us, what wants to be expressed isn't about outcome. Something really powerful happens when we give

presence to and we listen to those inner nudges, that inner prompting that I want to do this. I want to take the leap. I want to take this course. I want to try this new thing. I want to express. I want to get out there and date, know, whatever it might be.

And again, if we can start to see that the mind and on the nervous system will often just automatically go into high alert and bring up all the scary scenarios, all the reasons why we shouldn't do it. So part of what we're learning to cultivate and trust is

Not that it won't be messy or that it won't expand you, but that the yes is worthy of our commitment. The yes is worthy of us backing it. And then as we back it and we leap, we'll find our way. We'll meet ourselves. We'll adjust. mean, there's no

relationship, no business, no journey, even physical journeys like marathons, hiking, any of those things. Children, there's nothing that is exempt from growth and challenge. Nothing, no path. So do I want to navigate growth and challenge inside the illusion of protection?

the illusion of safety if I don't move, which is really just constricting aliveness, or do I want to cultivate my ability to handle the full range of the yes, to learn to stay inside the yes, committed, stay the course, and in that, seeing new possibility, new expansions, new outcomes come to life.

You know, I'll share that over the last year, I've, you know, had to meet this inside myself. You know, I've created and been partnering with Isla Coates on the practitioner's path. And, you know, Isla called me last year and was like, you want to do this together? And it was a full body yes. It was a clear yes. And

Very quickly, very quickly, you know, it became obvious that we weren't just saying yes to doing a program together, that we were saying yes to showing up in leadership together, that we wanted to create a container, a journey, a curriculum.

that allowed people who work with others to not only do the work, but live the work inside themselves. I could say a lot more about it, but very soon in our conversations,

for both of us, was allowing us to go deeper into well, what do I want to take a stand for in this work? what is true for me?

So saying yes to that container wasn't just about saying yes to teaching and co-teaching together. It wasn't saying yes to a certain kind of content. It was really saying yes to leadership. It was saying yes to being more visible as a leader with a point of view. Now, for years, I have been working with businesses and organizations and teams, leaders, founders.

and mentoring other coaches. And for years have been at that intersection of how our inner world and our deeper nature applies in business. Like what does that have to do with business? And I have loved pointing people to how the profound bridges into really practical action and new outcomes. Like, you know, that intersection is home for me and I've been unapologetic about all of that.

But what I noticed here was it was asking me to step into a visible leader of others who do this work. That perhaps what Ila and I were creating could not just serve our clients, but could ripple and have a greater impact. So it was shifting from, you know, kind of doing the work inside my own business to both of us standing for

particular body of work from mentoring one-on-one or in intimate rooms to publicly creating a path and saying, know, if you want to work at this intersection, if you want to lead from here, if you want to have profound impact in your work with others, then we have something valuable for you. And it may sound subtle, but what's interesting again, coming back to it was saying yes and being in the commitment of the yes.

I realized something was deepening, expanding, and something new was being asked of me. The other piece that came up in this was at some point I started to have some questioning. I had this subtle resistance about being perceived as one of those stereotypical coaches of coaches, a resistance to hype

You know, I had a resistance to being flattened into something I'm not, as if I can control how people perceive me. it is a complete falsehood that I, anyone can control how they're received or perceived. So I had to ask myself, am I going to alter

or adjust what I really believe in any way to try and make it more palatable to others. Am I going to try and diminish or dilute something so that people will take it better?

And, you know, I'll just say as a side note here in case it's helpful, often in our minds,

It looks so much riskier than it really is. Like we feel like we're being so much bolder than we've ever been. And the truth is, ⁓ on the outside, doesn't always look that way. our minds have a tendency to make these kinds of things appear bigger than they are. And yet when we step into them and we start to give ourselves permission to express versus

suppressed to allow the full messiness, the humanness, the realness versus trying to get it polished and palatable. What we discover is it's way more interesting for us. It's way more alive. It's way more fun and 99.9 % of the time, way more impactful. These are all examples of where

a yes created some really beautiful opportunities for me to let go of identities that were keeping me limited, let go of limited thoughts about what was appropriate, what wasn't. And as those things, those ideas began to fall away and the aliveness, what wanted to be expressed, the creativity was given more and more permission to take the lead.

I got more and more excited. think Isla and I have both said that our yes to working together and creating this path for people has been one of the most transformative periods in our life. And so that's the power of the yes. Now, it doesn't mean it's always pleasant. And I'll share that.

I've been in a season of recalibration in my life and in my business. I've had to move back home, a rebuilding of

what I want to do and where I want to put my focus. And so that has meant a rebuilding of momentum as well. And while I felt really aligned with it all, it's required, me to keep coming back to center and reminding myself that.

the external results might be looking a little different than they had been, but that they would catch up to what was alive. That recalibration would happen. There was a lot of moments where all my old metrics no longer applied. And so new evidence hadn't fully formed yet, I felt generally really hopeful about it. But every once in a while, like any human,

had moments of, this hurry up? Is this okay? Do I need to do something else? So Isla and I were putting structure around everything, I started to notice comparison arising inside of me. Now, Isla and I have known each other for many years. There's so much love and respect for each other's work.

but what happened for me, I got a little destabilized and in that destabilization, I started to compare.

I started to wonder, What if,

I'm not measuring up to the expectations ultimately, what I want to say about that is, often the nervous system registers growth

and sees it, feels the expansion, but interprets it as risk. We feel aliveness and the nervous system goes, shut it down, shut it down, danger, danger. ultimately,

I realized, These are signs that I'm growing. I'm stepping out of the protective container. I'm stepping out in new ways. And ultimately, that's what I craved and what I love and what I want. And I could see in those moments

what was really required was presence. presence to the full experience, presence to not the story of the doubt, but presence to the expansion and how during times of expansion, during times of leaps, during those moments right before a yes and after a yes is when we

often feel destabilized internally. And to know that in those moments of destabilization, the mind will get very active and very vigilant.

and give you lots of rational, reasonable thinking about why it's not a good idea, why you should wait. And really what I want to offer is it's just imagination. it's just so normal for people to question how they're going to feel in the future about the commitment.

Will it be too much?

our mind, our nervous system, that kind of vigilance waiting for proof, evidence, I'm not sure I'll like it. Here's the truth. You cannot predict how you're going to feel in five minutes, much less five months. You cannot predict how you're going to feel about a certain activity. The mind's point of reference is history, if there's any at all. And then the mind and the nervous system are just trying to protect you.

When we take action,

We build, we create, we step into the unknown. We have moments of disappointment or comparison like me. And if we could just see those as all normal parts of expansion.

normal parts of expanding our range to be in the fullness of our human experience where we're growing, we're learning that we can handle it, not because it went well, but because we ride all of it. We give presence to it, we stay in the game, we back ourselves.

So when we have moments of doubt, which are really normal, we just come back to center and remember we let the aliveness, we let staying the course grow us, show us. And then you'll see we rise. But rising isn't rising to the idealized image you had of yourself and the business. It's rising to the aliveness, to the expansion and to the growth and to where it takes you.

to discovering more of who you are and the engagement of it, the living of it. You know, those moments when we're tempted to pull back, we give love, compassion, presence to ourself, but we stay the course, we keep going. We don't push, we don't try and make it go faster, right? This isn't about grit and effort, you know, this is about full presence and allowing all of it.

the aliveness, the expansion, the edges, the constrictions. You I just read something today about constricting minds and the constriction when you're out creating. you know, often constriction is seen as a bad thing because again, in the body, can feel like danger or a threat. But,

They use the example of birth and of normal part of birth is constriction, contractions, like it's a necessary part of birth. And so I just think it's such a great analogy for when we're wanting to birth something new in our own life, a new expression, take our work deeper, try something new. All of those are examples of birth. So of course,

We're going to have moments of constriction and expansion, but we're learning to live in our body with it all. To trust, coming back again, can you trust yourself inside the yes? This is about trusting that you can stay in the yes and in the staying in it and being present to yourself fully, not...

Not running away from the contractions, not overriding your wisdom, you're cultivating your ability to be in it, present, love, compassion, joy, fear, all of it, it is the expansion and the

action and the stepping in that reveals your capability, not the result. it's really never a

about the outcome, it's really about who we're becoming along the way. And staying in the yes, even when it's messy, backing myself and that aliveness not rushing to the mind to sort it out, figure it out, protect,

has been so helpful. when you start to really see

how rich this expansion, the growth happening, the deepening of knowing who you are, the ability to hold more of life, to hold more of what your heart desires You realize that is no small thing and that is where we get touched by life. the truth is.

It's exhausting when we leap and do it half-heartedly. We're more half-committed, half-expressed, half-trusting. And again, I wanna be careful not to create this illusion that going all in means you show up to everything, you're all of a sudden an extrovert, you're like out there big and bold. It's not that. Going all in is just, you're in it.

You're in it, you're gonna allow it to unfold, you're gonna stay the course, you're gonna meet your edges, you're gonna feel all the feelings. you're gonna feel your own aliveness pressing you from the inside. And when we resist and suppress that by half committing, by second guessing our choices after we've made them,

Is this still good? rather than I'm here. I said yes, and I'm going to be present to it all. Whatever this path, this leap, this yes has to offer me, I know I'm in for the whole experience it. And ignoring that, holding ourselves back, protecting ourselves

we can handle all of that. And when we really know that, know that in our bones, we give ourselves permission for more of the yeses.

and to stay the course. We realize that trusting ourselves in this way and trusting aliveness doesn't, it's not reckless. It doesn't mean we abandon discernment. It just means that we stop asking for proof before we move or we quiet that kind of internal conditioned voices and thinking long enough to hear our own truth. We,

allow our body to inform us, the wisdom of the body. We listen for what feels alive, not just what feels safe.

So I offer all of us an invitation, is can we loosen our grip on only moving if we have proof and evidence of a particular outcome, and just allow the yes to move us

Can we lead from our lives in this way? Can we back our expression, our desires, our knowing, even without a guarantee? And when we do, I think something surprising happens. As I said, you realize you are not fragile.

You are not fragile. You're responsive. You're wise. You're alive. You can handle disappointment. You can handle success. You can handle being misunderstood. And ultimately you can handle your growth. You're capable of meeting this and meeting all of it. So coming back to the origin, this isn't can I trust that it will work out? It's can I trust myself to live fully regardless?

Can I trust my yes? And the only way we'll ever know that is to follow it, to step inside of it and stay the course, to follow the nudge, to follow the curiosity, to give yourself permission, to expand, to grow, to learn, to meet life as it is, to meet yourself as it is. you know, that's.

Probably the point of life we step into it full body, open and wise we touch life and we get touched by life as well. So I'll just leave you with this. Where are you treating yourself as fragile and

What would shift if you trusted yourself inside of a yes? Thank you so much for being here and for listening. Thank you.