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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over:
Speaker 2:Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 1:I wanted to go to phase two group this morning to talk about some more advanced topics, But we're just getting that going, so I was the only one there. And that's funny because last week other people went and I missed it. So I know that one of the most interesting things about the community is how the groups are just there, but we don't always have to be there. Like, we don't have to do everything all the time. Right?
Speaker 1:That's part of healthy boundaries. It's part of taking care of ourselves. It's part of pacing therapy. But today, I wanted to go back to talking about blending because there's more of this happening, and I am trying really hard to find words to talk about it in therapy. So here's what I wrote.
Speaker 1:I said, I didn't see anyone at group this morning, so I'm just going to share my check-in here if that's okay. I don't guess I have anything important to share so much as I want to practice being intentional about it. I know I missed group last week, so I really wanted to check-in today. One of the biggest newest things for me is blending. Blending, like, something more than just co consciousness, but also maybe that, I don't even know.
Speaker 1:It's completely new to us, but it's happening. So let me talk about this part for just a minute. I don't even know if I'm using the right word, if I what I'm experiencing is blending or not or even if it matters. Like, I don't actually care what the label is so much as I want to explain and describe my process and get better at it and also be able to talk about it in therapy. So I could be completely wrong, and I know we already came on the podcast and read a little bit about blending to sort of introduce it to you and to ourselves and to put it into conversation.
Speaker 1:And so I know we have those definitions, but also co consciousness is kind of a thing that we haven't talked about a lot either. Partly because who well, I'm thinking about this, and I think honestly honestly, I think part of it is that, like, who would admit to co consciousness if that's the antithesis of dissociation? Because if then I'm coconscious with anybody, even myself, then, like, I have to be aware of things. Right? And so I think one of the hardest pieces about talking about all of this is that the more aware of it I become, including the more that I talk about it, then the less dissociated I am, and that awareness becomes, like, exponential.
Speaker 1:And so hi, Maisie. Hi, baby. Hi, sweet girl. How are you? Did you wake up?
Speaker 1:Did you hear me talking? Hello. You guys, Maisie is like a dog now. She's not even a puppy anymore. I mean, by years, she's still a puppy, but her body is all grown.
Speaker 1:She's so smart and clever, and she's so sweet. When the kids get upset or cry, she, like, comes and lays in their lap and snuggles them, and they calm down. And Maisie has been the best parenting thing since, like, 2019. I can't even tell you. Other than the therapist that the children have and other than the children being in therapy, Maisie is absolutely the best thing.
Speaker 1:Okay. Sorry, Maisie. Now she's gonna lay down, and I'm gonna be boring again. So so I'm just gonna leave that in there. Like, normally, would edit that out, But I could stay present because I knew I was doing a podcast, but also the dog came and I could feel like I could have easily, like, switched out and just lost time and not even recorded this podcast.
Speaker 1:So that is one response. Another response would be so, like, the actual switching. Right? Except then it would not have been me playing with Maisie. But I really wanna do this, and so I can feel not just my own love for Maisie, but, like, other parts that also love the dog and want to play with the dog and think cuddling with the dog would be way more fun than talking on the podcast.
Speaker 1:But I don't have to switch to feel all of those things. Does that make sense? So feeling that maybe is like a passive influence kind of thing or even a direct influence in a co conscious kind of way. Like, I can be aware of that, and I can hold space for that, and I know that's happening. But I also know that both things are happening, that what I'm actually doing is recording a podcast right now.
Speaker 1:So I can snuggle the dog and scratch her ears and rub on her and then come back to what I'm doing without having lost any time. Right? So that kind of is somewhere between co conscious and blending. But I feel like coconsciousness and blending are separate things. Maybe not.
Speaker 1:Maybe that's part of the point. But I feel like coconsciousness is about awareness. I am me over here. They are them over there, but we're both aware of each other at the same time. They're aware of me.
Speaker 1:I'm aware of them. That's the co. And then the awareness mutually, reciprocally is the consciousness. Right? Like, when I break it down, that's what it feels like I understand.
Speaker 1:And, again, I'm sorry. I'm I may be wrong. And maybe you can write to me and share your own experiences, and we could talk about this on an emails podcast if you write to me. But I feel like that is my understanding of co consciousness. Blending feels more like instead of I am me and they are them, it feels like, let me read what I wrote.
Speaker 1:I said, it's not happening on purpose just by itself. Like, this sudden having access to different parts of myself at the same time. So blending feels like I am a part, but also I am the access to those parts. Or, like, how do you even explain that in words enough to process in therapy? But blending feels different than just co consciousness, but not different like unique, maybe different like more than, like further along that same continuum.
Speaker 1:So rather than I am me and they are them, and we're both mutually aware of each other, which is my understanding of co consciousness. Aware of each other and maybe also aware of what's happening in the outside world. So that's my understanding of co consciousness. But with blending, it's more like I am me, and they're not really me because I know that that's not me, except maybe all of us are me. Like, somehow it just kind of comes together.
Speaker 1:And, like, that's when it starts making more sense, like puzzle piece analogies or something. But it feels like like it's like, co consciousness is about awareness. I'm over here. They're over there, but we're aware of the same thing. We both know that the dog came up to us.
Speaker 1:And I know they wanna pet the dog. They know I wanna podcast, And we can together with co consciousness navigate that even seamlessly sometimes of being able to pet the dog and podcast. Right? And so there's something about that that is co consciousness that is related to awareness. But I feel like blending is more like a shared experience.
Speaker 1:So I could have this wrong, but this is how in my brain it feels differentiated. And that co consciousness is a sharing of awareness, but blending is about sharing an experience. So for example, we can both of us pet the dog even though we're also podcasting, not just aware that I wanna podcast and they wanna pet the dog. Right? So, like, in the beginning, part of what's hard about DID is all these internal conflicts.
Speaker 1:I wanna do this and I wanna do that and they wanna do this and they wanna do that. And everybody arguing about all those kinds of things or this conflict about who has control of the body or how we spend our time or what we do and the different choices we all wanna make and different preferences we all had want to have. And there's this pulling and this tension that is inside that we carry around all the time struggling to understand. And the whole point of learning to cooperate or learning to each other is to lessen that tension so we can work together. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1:But with co consciousness, it's almost like there becomes, like, a system of cooperation that feels very turn taking. I'm podcasting. Let's pause that because I know you wanna pet the dog. So pet the dog, and then let me have the body back so I can finish podcasting. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1:But with blending, I love that this happened. Like, I didn't plan it at all, but it was a perfect example. With blending, like, it can all happen at the same time. I'm doing a podcast. I also am gonna pet the dog, but I'm gonna keep podcasting, and there's no time loss because I'm not only aware of them and their needs or them aware of me and my needs, but also we have this shared experience, which goes back to having one body.
Speaker 1:So not just sharing the body and having to take turns with it, but actually sharing the experience through the body, which is maybe why some of that somatic awareness or being in touch or in tune with your body kind of matters a little bit because it's literally our skin that holds us together. Right? So so, anyway, so I wrote about this, and I said, with intentionality, there are these wild amazing combinations of things that happen with blending when we do try. And I still don't even know if I understand how it works. But somehow, it's like mixing colors when we paint.
Speaker 1:Like, for example, if you blend m and Jean Marc, you get really good food and you enjoy it. When you're not blending, M makes the food and Jean Marc gets to eat the food. And it's not fair to M who never gets to enjoy the food she makes, and it's not fair to John Mark who likes food but doesn't know how to cook. Does that make sense? And with co consciousness, there's, like, this communication and cooperation that starts to happen where M knows John Mark wants something, so she can make it for Jean Marc and try to be responsive in that way.
Speaker 1:Or Jean Marc can be aware that sometimes M would like to enjoy the things that she cooks so he cannot always do the eating every single time so that sometimes she gets to enjoy the things she cooks. Does that make sense? It's almost like this turn taking, right, because of the awareness of each other. But with blending, it's like because of M, Jean Marc learns how to cook. But because of Jean Marc, M also gets to enjoy eating.
Speaker 1:Does that make sense? Like, both things get to happen in a shared experience. Even if Jean Marc is not M and Emma is not Jean Marc, and they'll never be each other, and they're not the same, There's this shared experience. Like, no one is dying off. No one is disappearing.
Speaker 1:No one is going away, and they don't have to stay blended. Em does not always wanna hang around while Jean Marc is playing. Like, she's all about getting everything done. Right? Like, taking care of business.
Speaker 1:And that's not when Jean Marc wants to hang out either. So blending also doesn't have to be permanent. It can be temporary, and it can be intentional. I don't know how to make it intentional yet. We're almost kind of starting to navigate that.
Speaker 1:For us so far, it has happened accidentally. And when it started happening was when we had made enough progress in therapy and were feeling safe enough in therapy and supported. So, like, it took both safe and supported in real life, in our relationships, in groups, which groups we feel safe going to or not or who we feel comfortable talking to or not, and then in real life relationships. Right? When we got to the point of feeling safe and supported enough doing our work to make ourselves safe enough and supported enough, then it started happening naturally because we had so many shared goals and common interests that there was for the first time things or peep like, there were for the first time experiences that were motivating enough to get us all on the same page about shared goals and experiences that none of us wanted to miss out on.
Speaker 1:And so it started happening more and more. And the more it happened, the better we got at it. And the more it happened, the more we started to understand how it worked. And the more we started to understand how it worked, the less scared of it we became. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1:So then I said, or if you blend m and doctor e, you get a fascinating mix of parenting science and pragmatics. So this matters because M is in the trenches. M has to do the parenting. M has to know what will actually help. M doesn't care about how brains work unless you can tell her how to make that brain in the child do that thing that you need the child to do to feel better.
Speaker 1:Doctor e doesn't do any parenting, And so she can spout off all the science in the world, and it doesn't actually help anybody if it's not relatable. But when you blend m and doctor e together, then you get a much better presentation, for lack of better words, of the science and why and how it helps, like how to apply it. Kind of like in the same way, if you blend doctor e and then you get a much more fun presentation than only boring Doctor E. Right? Do you see how that works?
Speaker 1:And then I wrote, or if somehow you blend all three of them, so in this example, M and Doctor E and Jean Marc, which to me sounds like the most foreign idea of blending, like, couldn't get more opposite in those. Well, I can think of one, but I'm not gonna talk about it right now. If you blend all three of those, you get this incredible experience of really good food that also feels good to the body and that is also appreciated to an exponential degree. Like, you blend m and okay. Since I already said, like, if you blend all four of those, Sasha and m and doctor e and Jean Marc, like, what you get with a meal is like a foodgasm.
Speaker 1:Like, your your capacity to understand what is good for you, what your body wants, how to make that for your body, how to give that to your body, and then to enjoy that for your body, like, it is unreal. It is unreal how good that is in the number of layers of goodness and how powerful of an experience that is because it is like three d. It is color. It is it is something with depth and layers from start to finish of the experience that is powerful and profound and deep even though you're just making lunch. And it has blown my brains out.
Speaker 1:Like, I can't even explain. Like, I this is why I wanted to talk about it. I don't know. Like, is this what, like, singleton, monomine, like, without DID or OSDD? Is this what they experience every day?
Speaker 1:And are they aware that that's what they're experiencing every day? Like, that there are that many colors in the world? Like, I don't know how to explain it. It's like getting cochlear implants. It's like getting new glasses.
Speaker 1:Like, I don't know how to tell you how powerful of an experience this has been. So then I wrote, I don't really even know how else to explain it yet or right now or what that's about exactly. I don't always know when it's going to happen, and I can't always do it on purpose, but it is happening. Oh, you guys, you know what funny side effect of this is, though? There are times where, like, I get excited about something or I feel a strong pull to something or whatever when normally there would have been a switch or, like, loudness, like voices in my head or whatever.
Speaker 1:But because of blending, like, it all just comes out of my mouth at the same time. And so there's this thing that's happening where, like, I get tongue tied because, like, everybody's talking at once, and it's all coming out of my mouth, and it sounds hilariously incoherent. And, like, I can stop it and regroup and try again, and it comes out fine. But there are times, like, I literally have to do that because I'm not making any sense externally because it's all coming out of my mouth so fast all at once. It is fascinating.
Speaker 1:So, anyway, I said, it kind of somehow goes along with instead of they are not me, more like a feeling of what if we are me after all. And I don't mean they are me. I mean, like, capital m. Like, in the workbook, we talk about this, about how this emerging self that does not yet exist, that is unfolding and in process just like anyone else even without DID or OSDD or this me that includes me, little me. I don't mean little little.
Speaker 1:I mean, little m, lowercase m, and little me and all the other mes. Does that make sense? Like, there's something about me, capital m, me that blending creates that I don't have the rest of the time. So, anyway, I said, kind of somehow goes along with instead of they are not me, more like a feeling of what if we are me after all, but not in a denial kind of way, in a radical, compassionate acceptance kind of way. But then I also said, it doesn't apply to everyone, at least not yet.
Speaker 1:Like, are trauma holding parts who are not at all blending yet, except which makes sense. Right? Like, we haven't done as much of that in therapy. Every time we've almost gotten to that, something has happened in therapy or with outside kids or whatever, plus just tolerating that is really hard. So it's taken time.
Speaker 1:But we are doing that now and have been for the last year. And so the more that we address that, like, the more generalized and exponential that healing becomes in a way that I don't even know how to describe exactly. So I said, it doesn't apply to everyone. Like, there are trauma holding parts who are not at all blending yet, except also somehow we do blending this. There is more safety somehow, like strength or stability or space.
Speaker 1:I don't even know how to describe. There is more enough somehow so that it's easier to work with those trauma holding parts even to get to them, even to want to get to them. So I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but that's what I had to share today. Maybe I will try reading this on the podcast, ta da, and talk more about it as I figure out more layers or find better words. So that was my check-in today.
Speaker 1:So I just wanted to follow-up on that and share and put it into words while I could. And I don't even know if I can talk more about it right now. And not because it feels private or because I'm anxious about it, but because that's literally all the words I have yet. Like, it's new. I'm just noticing that it's happening.
Speaker 1:I'm holding space for that it's happening and just letting it be. It is sometimes harder. Like, there have been times it's been a little bit harder to focus at work than when you're completely not aware of anything. Obviously, in some ways, that's easier. But also, I am better at my work and work is more rich when I have access to those pieces of me.
Speaker 1:So there's this give and take and pros and cons about it that really ultimately benefit our system to enjoy and appreciate blending when it happens naturally. And again, just to be clear, this is not something our therapist ever said, hey, try this. And it is not something our therapist ever said, you need to do this or else. Like, it's just completely happened naturally inside of ourselves with safety and support just naturally. Like, I I don't know how else to describe it.
Speaker 1:So I think that's all I'm gonna say today on that. I just wanted to check-in and I wanted to follow-up. I know in October, we have the blending episode where we read the definitions, trying to find words for it. And I just wanted to share this as kind of like an update, I guess. Oh, and speaking of updates, because Kate asked in the community, yes, while we were home this week, it is when is it?
Speaker 1:What is today? It's the September, and we have come home from deployment. And we have come back to Oklahoma to visit the children and to go to some medical appointments and to take them to their appointments and get everybody's flu shots and COVID boosters and all of that. So we're taking care of all these things. My cardiac my annual cardiac appointment was fine.
Speaker 1:My oncology appointment follow-up was fine. Like, everything is good. I just needed to take care of all those things. And so I'm getting ready to leave to go back again. But it is autumn, and it has cooled off a little bit.
Speaker 1:And so I did want to follow-up as well, which I know it's off topic. But before I forget, I wanted to follow-up and say we did take that walk, and I did take the kids out to Mexican food. And so we did that thing where we started at the park and then walked the trails and surprised them by ending at the Mexican restaurant and taking them out for food. And they had a blast. It was so fun, and it's a memory we will always keep.
Speaker 1:And I'm really glad that they had that, and it was a beautiful way to spend our morning together and also give the husband some time off after he's had his turn of being on his own with the children. So it was excellent. It was super fun, and it was another example of how blending works because John Mark could do that by himself easily. M would not be as interested, but also be too overwhelmed by parenting the kids to be able to do that and also have fun with it. And even if we still had access to Emma, which I don't feel like we do or Emily, I you all know, like, our legal name, but it is not.
Speaker 1:Like, there's a whole story there we haven't even told you. But, anyway, even if we had access to her, who's, like, the nicer nurturing one, like, that is not necessarily her thing either. And so this was a great example of blending because we could parent the children well, keep them safe on that trail, but also have a blast and also enjoy it. And then everybody, like the whole family got lunch because of it and enjoyed lunch because of it. And so, like there are ways that healing is showing up in new ways that I'm just loving.
Speaker 1:And even parenting is a great example of that because I do not feel nearly as overwhelmed and stressed as I did during quarantine, which obviously was hard and overwhelming and stressful, not because I was bad, but the circumstances. But I can hold space for that and understand that now. And I was exhausted still in recovery from quarantine, like in tears because it broke me, you guys. That was so hard, and it literally has taken me a whole year since coming out of quarantine to recover from that experience. But because I'm caring for myself and because blending gives all of my parts access to the hard, which is difficult, but means not just one person of me is suffering.
Speaker 1:So that load is shared even internally. And it also gives all of me access to good that we would not have had before. And so it is really playing a bigger part in my healing than I even understood, even when I started talking about this. Like I'm just now realizing that because we have access to not just what is difficult, where some parts have fun and some parts do all the hard work, but now everyone is working not everyone, not all the time. But do you know what I'm trying to say?
Speaker 1:Like, working together, then what is hard is not so hard. And working together means everyone also gets some good. Everyone also gets some nourishment. And one of the things that has come out of safety and support in the last year is like even m learning what it means for us to have our needs met as well and what it means for us to be cared for as well. And that is huge.
Speaker 1:And it trickles like talk about blending and I'm like, oh, trauma parts don't blend. But I guarantee you that there are parts of me that I don't even wanna acknowledge right now who are learning what it means to be cared for because of that work that M is doing in learning to tend to others. So I don't know if that connects to Molly and through Molly gets down to, like, trauma holding littles. Like, I don't know how it works. I don't even know if I need to know how it works, But I can accept it and I can receive it and it heals me and it's kind of amazing.
Speaker 1:And so I wanted to share this before it all slipped away, and I wanted to share this to hold onto it so that we can keep doing more of those things. And that shows up in different ways too. Like, now I'm realizing, like, doctor e saying no this year of no, we're not going to present here and no, we're not going to present there and no, we're not doing any more writing projects right now. Part of that is setting boundaries because we are more aware of how much is already on our plate. And then that turns into self care of pacing all kinds of things.
Speaker 1:We will write again. We will do more projects again. We will present again. But you know what? Now's not the time.
Speaker 1:We wrote three books during quarantine while single parenting, sick special needs, kids with disabilities, and attachment problems. Like, it was an inpatient unit all by ourselves. Right? So, like, holding space for the fact that m was doing that all by herself for two years at the same time as doctor e was whipping out three books. Like, that is wild.
Speaker 1:Who does that? No one person does that. And it happened because we were dissociated and because we have DID, we weren't one person. But we have one body, and this body is tired. But less now because learning how to take care of our body, learning how to take care of each other, learning to take care of us as a whole means pacing things differently.
Speaker 1:It means boundaries differently. It means tending to relationships differently. It means parenting differently. Like, you guys, the whole point is blending changes everything. And, yes, there are some ways it makes me nervous.
Speaker 1:And, yes, there are some ways that anything unfamiliar feels new and scary and changes feel new and scary, but also I'm feeling a whole lot better because of it. And I think my life is already a whole lot better because of it. And so blending, I think it's a thing, you guys. Like, I think it's happening.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for listening to us and for all of your support for the podcast, our books, and them being donated to survivors and the community. It means so much to us as we try to create something that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing. One of the ways we practice this is in Community Together. The link for the community is in the show notes.
Speaker 2:We look forward to seeing you there while we practice caring for ourselves, caring for our family, and participating with those who also care for community. And remember, I'm just a human, not a therapist for the community, and not there for dating, and not there to be shiny happy. Less shiny, actually. I'm there to heal too, being human together. So, yeah, sometimes we'll see you there.