3. Perspective, Zumba, and the Spiritual Journey with Raymee

What is The Commonality Podcast with Pilar?

The Commonality Podcast explores what it means to do our best in today’s messy beautiful world. Hosted by Pilar, a personal and professional coach, we dive into it all with a mix of honesty, humor, and heart. Whether it’s solo musings, breaking down weird astro sh*t, or listening to guest stories, this is your space to remember this life is non linear and you're not alone.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (00:00.162)
the background. All right. Fantastic. Well, your lighting still looks good. At least we're on that. Good. Good. Good. We're on a good start. The lighting is good. The audio is good. You look great. I love it. We look great. We look great. We look great. I love it. OK, so I'm so excited because this is the first time that we're talking to each other or meeting each other like

in this lifetime in person. But we met on Instagram.

Yes, that is correct through your readings. I'm like, I want a reading and that's where it all began. It all began. It all began. Yeah. And I, and it's funny because I don't actually do a lot of readings on Instagram. I would do them every now and then, but Facebook was kind of like more of the staple. Instagram's kind of funny with the, with the lives and whatnot. but yeah, I just immediately felt really connected to you and you've been on your own journey. And so I'm just so excited to talk to you like,

You know, in vivo so that because I want to learn about your journey because I have followed you on your page for a while. And I know that you're on your spiritual journey, but I also know that you're, you know, you've got a really interesting story and coincidentally, we're like semi neighbors, which is great.

Yes, I really thought, well, yes, first of all, yeah, we made through that reading that you did about my grandmother. I don't know if you remember that I am super connected to her. And then you wrote like, wants to go next? And I was like, And then I was like on a hike and I saw a hawk and then you started talking about the hawk on the reading. my God. fact that it already happened. I'm like, what?

Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:51.054)
And then I was like, okay, yeah, I think we know each other from before, but I thought you really live like across the country or something because that usually happens, you know, that you meet somebody so interesting. And then even in dating or just for friends, whatever it is, like where do you live? I mean, South Asia, like, okay. Yeah, but no, we're neighbors. Yeah, that was, I remember what we found out and I was just like ecstatic. I was like, we need to meet. And it was like, we were like,

Still, think dealing with the pandemic and everything, but yeah, and I do remember, I remember a couple of our readings and both of them were very environmental. I barely remember the hawk thing, but I do remember the confirmation and the grandmother, I remember that. And then also I remember the water and you were talking about like, you're like, I always go to the water. And it was before I knew that you were.

in California, like you were writing that we were neighbors. I was like, you need to go to the beach. And you were like, I haven't been to the beach in forever. You're like, I need to go. Yes. And right now that it's raining like crazy, I'm thriving because I am so grounded by water and I have all the windows open and all the doors open. Like, let it rain. Yeah, let it rain. Yeah. It's so funny because at my daughter, goes to daycare and when it would rain, she'd be like, no.

It's raining and I'd be like, no, no, no. I'm like, yay. I'm like, cause she'd be like rain, rain, go. I'm like, no, no rain, rain. coming. You're like, no, you better don't girl because we're dry over here. Right. Totally. Yeah. we, you know, and we do like a lot of, we do like a lot of connection stuff with like the environment over here and, and, you know, we get to just.

feel so connected anyways. I knew it's like different when you're in the city, you can feel kind of, you you got to get out more. got to, and thankfully in SoCal and LA, even if you do live in the city, there's always options for hiking. There's always options for going out, which is really nice. But, but yeah, when it rains and you're like out and you can see the trees and the hills are becoming green again, it's just like, it's just, it's so next level. It's just, it really like,

Pilar Lyutfalieva (04:13.89)
deepens that spiritual connection for sure. Yes, I was telling my father yesterday, I was like, did you see all the hills are green? It's so strange. Everything is green. Like what's going on? my God, it's so true. It's so true. I remember when it was just starting to rain and like you can see the little grass sprouts coming through the ground and you're just like, my God, life. So this is like

Two Angelinos totally talking, like getting excited about rain right now. The rain. Somebody from Seattle is like, really? Yeah, for real. You can take all this rain over there. They're like, take it. Vaya con Dios. And then we are literally drowning right now. I watched the news yesterday. It's like massive storm in California. Then this is drowning. That place is drowning. Like, well, we're good here. It's okay. Like, we're good here.

Yeah, we're doing great. We're enjoying it for sure. That's sort of it. So are you from LA? Are you from SoCal? Tell me about your background. I was born in India, California. And so, yes, but when I was four months old, they took me to lead to Mexico, to Jalisco, to the specific. And then 15 years later, which is a little bit over half of my life, I moved here.

Born here, raised in Mexico, and then came back about 16, 17 years ago to Southern California. So I always been in SoCal, always, always. Yeah. Wow. I mean, that's like a huge shift. mean, 15, you're like, you know, you've got your life, you've got your friends, you're, I mean, you're like a little man already.

You're basically a man, right? In your own mind, in your environment, what you're creating for yourself and your independence. I mean, like, what was that like? Well, first of all, I was very bummed because that meant no quinceañera for me, but I'm just kidding. Totally not. I didn't have one, not even a sweet 16. But it was a little bit hardcore, I would say, because while I was so excited for something different,

Pilar Lyutfalieva (06:34.55)
And it's so funny how things work out because back then eating from the garden and stuff was like, ill, I don't want to eat this, you know, like I the city life because I watched too many novellas with my grandmother. And I knew that that was not living. I knew that that was not the life to eat from my garden. I want in other stuff. So in the now I'm super invested in organic food and going to the farmer's market and all of that stuff. But it was very.

I still don't know how to describe it because somebody asked me the other day what it meant for me to be an immigrant and how was that, you know, transition, the move. And so it was, I think, sweet, but also very tragic because I left everything that I always knew, friends, the little friends I had, language, being in a very small town where all neighbors, knew each other, you know? It's something happened.

If somebody cheated on someone, we know with who, where, what position and everything. And then moving here, I don't know any of my neighbors up to this point. Like I could easily live to a murder or something. have no idea who lives in that house. Yeah. It was really kind of like, think in, I see it in the nicest way.

because I know some people get a little bit offended, but I don't mean it that way. I feel like moving, living there and living here, it was like over there, we lived with our hearts, and here we are kind of forced and pressured to live with our minds. So then now at this point in my life, I'm in the middle of a life crisis where I'm trying to figure out the balance between my heart and my mind.

Because 15 years of my life, I was raised to use my heart to be kind, to know thy neighbor. And then over here it's like, work, work, work, money, money, iPhone, this and this and this. While everybody has an option, of course, nobody was at my door pointing a gun at me to change everything. But everything that we are being fed every day, especially as a teenager.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (08:50.392)
Come on, who's gonna say no to better shoes, to Jordans, to this and that? my God, to the Porsches. I mean, that was our whole thing. When we moved to LA, you my son was like, he was probably like five or, yeah, about five years old. And I was like, dude, if we moved to LA, like I have to be so intentional about how I want to raise him because yeah, there's like...

Lamborghinis and Porsches and like Lamborghini SUVs and like cars that you're like didn't even know existed. And like people are like commuting in Bentley's like what is happening when you have that as your frame of reference as a child. Yeah, totally. And, and I think you hit the nail on the head in terms of like that heart versus mind. It's like the mind, the eyes, it's like we're totally fed through what we see.

and everything in LA, you know, think it's, it's one of those things that like, just is, it's not one of those things worth like a criticism or a praise. It's more like, that's just kind of LA, it's the hustle city, you know? And there's, you can probably say the same thing for like Houston or New York City, but LA, there's like this extra level of,

of like what you see in the things that are sparkly and the things that are shiny and new and pretty. And there's just all this attraction around like having that. And I think naturally the fact that we have like one season also, it's like you're just fed this utopia of like, Hey, you can always have what you want. Like get out there and get like, get what you want, get what you want, get what you want. Right. And it's.

So that mind is feeding you, what do I want? What do I want to have? Right? I want this, I want that. I like those shoes. I like that bag. I like her hair. I want to look like this. I want to look like that. I want to do this. I want people to see me in the same way. It's, it is, you're right. I love how you said that. Cause it's, that's on point. That's on point. Yes, it is. And again, just to be a little bit clear that there's absolutely nothing wrong with luxury because I will be kidding myself.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (11:04.568)
kidding myself if I don't say I like good stuff. But the thing is that now it's a little bit more, you said the word intention behind purchasing something, behind buying something like, is this just an addition to my lifestyle or is this another part of identifying myself with something? So I think now there is, and yesterday I was at the coffee shop planning my year and again,

Capricorn. have to know what's going on the world. husband's a Capricorn, so I'm like all about that. I have to know what's going on. So I went to craft my life for this year. What are some of the things that I want to do? And how am going to help myself accountable for those things? And then I was one of the lists that I wrote was about purchases because I want to do like a massive budget this year because I feel like I, I'm at a, first I was too,

And then I worked on having a little bit more conscious and healthy love for money as an energy and chill like, okay, I think it's a little bit too over the top right now. So I need to squeeze it into a budget right now to be mindful about the things that I'm putting my money on. And then, so I was writing about when making a purchase.

Is this trying to cover up for something that I'm currently missing in my life that I'm feeling, or is this truly something that I can buy? Like if I go to the coffee shop and I order a coffee, there's no, you know, I just buy it and whatever. But if I want to buy an iPad or headphones, expensive headphones or something, it's like, what is going on through my life right now? Prior to making this purchase right now, what's happening? Is this an escape from something that I'm currently dealing with? Or is this a purchase that I actually need?

And I did that because a year ago, the new iPad came out. I had just bought an iPad. Okay. I didn't need another iPad. And I read a million videos of why it was not worth it. If you had one year before, because it's the same thing. So like, but, but it's newer. then I was like, maybe those guys making the videos are just hating on Apple right now. So I went to the Apple store and I'm in line and I started to feel terrified.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (13:24.738)
I'm like, why am I doing this? Like, do I have the money to buy it right now? fortunately, yes. And I'm grateful for it, but why am I making this purchase when I just read all of these videos from professionals, professionals, and me who I don't even use my iPads. Like, why am I here? And then I started going to the whatever, whatever. So I did wait in a few months into a buy the new iPad, but it was in a place where I was not.

feeling something internal and then trying to validate that feeling with the purchase. So there's nothing wrong with luxury. I just think it's being mindful about why you acquiring something new. Totally. I mean, you hit on, you pretty much went through like the life cycle in different stages of like a healthy relationship with money because there's a lot of things to break down in the relationship with money and

There's absolutely that part of the self that needs to be healed where it's like, you know, I can't afford that or I can't have that or, you know, I don't, I'm not worthy of that. And there's breaking that down, right? Treat yourself, right? Get used to that idea that you can have things, but there's a shift that happens. And I've absolutely learned this, you know,

single mom for 10 years and then all of a sudden have two incomes and You know having financial abundance in my life. It's a total mind death. It's a total mind death Because there's a lot of like survivors guilt. There's a lot of like overcompensating there's a lot of stuff happening when you have money and One thing I tell a lot of people is that something that happens that you can take care of

like in the beginning is to actually get excited about paying yourself, right? That it's not about what can I have, right? That like, what can I add to my life? Like what can I, you know, identify with that creates value for myself, but how much money can I pay myself? And then I can get excited about how much money I have in my bank account. You know what I mean? And we lose that step when we don't have money because we're so used to not having it.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (15:46.616)
that we just want to see what it is that we can have. But it's like this terrible cycle of basically just constantly going into debt and constantly feeling worse and worse about yourself. And I talked about this actually on a video talking about generational trauma around money and how a lot of our ancestors, right, there was a lot of colonialism.

and capitalism that was basically teaching us like you can't have money, right? Like you're a lower class person, like you're not allowed to have money or you're owned by somebody, which means that your only value is working. That's your only value. So we just have all these components that are just telling us that like money and us are totally separate. And then we try to acquire things to create value.

in our own life because we feel like that's how we're going to create value out of ourselves besides just working ourselves to death. We just want to have stuff, but we're not used to having money. So we don't even think of that. Right. We don't even get excited about having money. We just get excited about buying shit. Right. And then when we go, okay, like you said, what's going on in my life? Like what am, what hole am I trying to fill by purchasing this thing? I mean, like the whole iPad thing is so hilarious because you're like, I have a brand new iPad.

It's like, really, I really didn't need one, but I needed the comfort that it came from those three minutes of like dopamine. made a purchase on this iPad. I just came out and then I get to buy it. But because it's still too validating that little guy who I grew up really, really, really, really. Let's use the word humble for lack of better words in my country. So for me, as you said, you said it.

You said it, that we grow up like as long as you have a place to sleep and to eat, that's everything. And my dad used to always tell me that until one day I was like, are you kidding me? That's not the way to live. Like I want this or I want this. I want to go on a trip. Like why do all my friends, when we go back from summer school, why does everybody go on vacations? And we don't, we never go anywhere. Like we don't even have KFC or McDonald's. I don't want to eat.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (18:12.248)
put from my garden, I something else. I want processed food, But yes, it's like still that validation. But then the beautiful thing about this place where I am trying to find the middle between my heart and in my mind and then loving money in a healthy, energetically way, something that happened is that a few months ago, I had a car accident.

You know, it was really, really big and was just struggling with it. And then, so my insurance was hussle me to see doctors and stuff, but I couldn't get any doctors because the thing was serious. So they're like, no, has to go through your medical, through your auto insurance because your medical insurance. If they find out that this was in a car accident, they're not going to cover none of it. So they had me back and forth. So then I received yet.

The insurance decided to cash me out to just shut up and to go on my own. So they give me a large amount of money. And I say it because I am at a place where I think money is very healthy. It's very beautiful because of the things that you can do with it. So then I decided to give a little chunk to my mother and I put in an envelope. then she opens and she's like, only nobody has ever given me that much money, but then just.

It might sound too superficial, but I know you get it. And I know many out there are good. They get it. That money. It's so beautiful when you understand the purpose of it. yeah. I'm getting chills. Yeah. Absolutely. to really use it. So then I give some from my niece, my only niece, which I love and I give some to her. And my sister was so, thankful for that. So then I don't know. I just, I'm at a place where I.

feel more joy from dealing out as well, inviting stuff for myself, but there's so much joy that comes from sharing the money that you do have that it's out of this world. But again, it's just kind of also dangerous. Like, so are you doing it for yourself just to give more validation to yourself? That you're a good human being, that you're doing the right thing. But that's another story. totally.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (20:35.616)
I relate to that so much because I recently just gave someone a good chunk of money. And it was one of those things where even my husband was like, it's totally up to you. We have a whole system where it's like any money that we make, it's ours and we give each other, we give ourselves like a little allowance or whatever to spend on whatever we want, but ultimately our money is each other. So this lump sum, like, I...

know that this person's a hustler. I know that this person is really gifted and I know that they're going to succeed. But I also remember being in that place where you're just in this vicious cycle of like not having. And even though you're a boss, even though you're focused, even though you know it's just a matter of time, every now and then you get really down on yourself and you just feel really doubtful. And I was like, I just want to give this as a way to like

lift this person up and show them how much faith someone else has in them. You know, and I'm getting emotional right now, but there was absolutely a part of me too that was like, I just like, you know, I'm just like giving out money. Like there was a part that just also felt good, you know, like perspective, you know, and I recognize that, but it was also like, yeah, you know, even though a part of me was also giving that from a place of when I was from a place of lacking, you know,

There's a lot of different layers, but ultimately it's that idea of I have abundance. And I told this person, I said, do not worry about paying me back. Like I literally will fight you if you try to pay me back. I'm like, but when you are in a place of abundance as well, like I just want you to pay it forward. Just help someone else out who's in a similar situation. And that's, it's the quintessential, it's the most concentrated focused version of like what.

abundances. It's why we naturally associate it with abundance. Even though abundance is happiness, it's joy, it's health, it's relationships, it's all these things, but when you're overflowing with it, you immediately want to share it. And that's why it's like, are you coming from a place of abundance? So when we have bad relationships, when we have drama in our lives, and we struggle, you know, with all these different things, you know, it's be it's naturally because we're not coming from a place of abundance. We're not coming from a place of

Pilar Lyutfalieva (22:56.728)
feeding ourselves, allowing ourselves to be full of that energy to the point where we want to just naturally share it with other people. Yes, yes. Yeah. Yeah. You said it. And it feels so good. It feels so good to share money. And yeah, it feels so good. feels great. Like, you know, when you're able to invite your friends out and just say like, I got this, like it's such a beautiful feeling.

of us who know what it means to not be able to do it. We're not talking about buying a mansion for a friend or whatever. It could be such small things that just, hey, let me get you coffee for you today. Just having that mindset of abundance to get somebody a coffee. If you're able to do it, of course, also don't try to sacrifice yourself because I think that's lying to yourself if you really cannot do it.

It's so great to invite your friends out and like, Hey, I got this. But it's interesting because probably this only started like four or five years ago of me trying to be more open with money. Like I, my love language is gifts. love to gifts to everybody and then even to rather people. And, but I met someone who is a business owner of many restaurants, many, restaurants. And I met her through my job.

And then she invited me out and like, my God, is she hitting on me? But no, she's just so nice. She's, met her husband and everything. my God. You're like, shoot. And then, but every, started to hang out a lot. went to buy books and crystals or whatever. And we started to hang out so much and everywhere she went, she had this dynamic and posture. You cannot tell that she's a wealthy woman until you actually do digging into her life story. And then.

I just was able to witness in a firsthand when you are so abundant, like inside, it just radiates so big. And everywhere we went with other friends and stuff, she would always, always pay. And I'll be like, wow, that is so freaking cool. No wonder she walks like she's flying. She's just so, and she doesn't even worry about like, okay, who's going to order what? It's just like so effortlessly. it's a beautiful feeling.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (25:20.478)
And I feel like also as Latinos that we come from this generational trauma that you speak about. Talking about money is like, you turn into one of them now. you're a bad person now. Like, you're giving into the power of money. you're going to hell now. It's so true. I'm getting like chills from like the top to bottom. literally, even, I know someone who like, like it's such a perfect example. They were able to buy this beautiful house.

And they finally, it's like one of those moments, right? Where you like, you move and you're moving out of a shitty situation and you're in this beautiful home, you've got your kids and you're just feeling so incredibly just good for yourself. And like all the hard work that you've put in, literally in their community, they're almost like completely shunned. Like.

people have like a bad attitude towards them or just like there's a little bit of contention or it's like not totally, you know, but it's like, who do you think you are? And it's like, wow, it's hard, it's tough because there is that trauma that wants to pull you back, that wants to go, you know, and it's all related to the original right sin of basically like killing for money. And it's like, okay, so,

there's that natural association that money is like this evil thing when it's like, my God, we've got to heal from that. And you know, it's in our hearts as Latinos to be very mindful of other people. think that it's just so engraved in us to be whenever we salute someone, it's like a hug and a kiss or whatever. It's very like a long hug, man. just like.

How you doing? It's like you're actually hugging and stuff. And I feel that there's really this deep desire to help people in our community. But then we are so limited by this generational trauma around many things, but in this case, particularly around money that is like, okay, you have all of these dreams and desires to help thy neighbor. But with what money, if you're struggling yourself and when you are able to really shift

Pilar Lyutfalieva (27:37.314)
your mindset that again, it's just like food. You can either over consume it and do so much harm to your body, to yourself. Same thing with money. It's just like, you identifying with money or are you using money as there's this quote out there. I don't know who said it. It says that are you using money or money is using you. And it's something really to kind of. That's powerful. Think about because I, again,

It's such a beautiful energy. So beautiful. It's so true. It's so true. Are you using money or is money using you? I feel like that's just such a yeah, it's like, you dictating how you want money to show up in your life as opposed to like being fearful of it as opposed to using it as a tool, you know, in a negative way? Are you you know, how are you positioning money in your life? Like how does money feel to you?

Right? And is it coming from a place of like self already feeling abundant with or without that money? And that money is just an added cherry on the pie and a reflection of the joy in your life. Right? Or is it something where you're going, no, I got to have this, you know,

Okay, well, are you here for my money or like, okay, I'm going to give you this, but you better owe me back and da da da da da and blah, blah, blah, blah, right. And there's like all of these like contingencies around it. And it's like, okay, I want more and I want more and I want more and how can I have more? Right. I think that's another thing too, is I think that Latinos were so used to at least like the majority of Latinos, you know, I mean, there's still that concepts of the 1 % and that idea of like, you know, Latinos working hard.

but not really getting ahead, you know, it's like that whole concept of the poor mentality, right? The lacking mentality. And what sucks is when you have money and you still feel like you're poor, right? You're still going, I need more. I still need more. There's not enough, right? That idea that there's not enough. And that's when it goes into the other end. And there's people who are operating from a place of a poor mentality when in fact,

Pilar Lyutfalieva (29:56.29)
They have abundance all around them. think that's, to me, that's the most frustrating or that's like one of the saddest things is when people have abundance in their life and they're struggling. They're still struggling to make that connection that you have so much love in your life. You have so much support. You have so much success. Right. But the poor mentality creates a chasm. creates a huge gap. It triples the gap. Right.

So it's like there's a natural gap because of demographics or whatever. And then there's a double gap for all the extra extra demographic. And then there's a triple gap because in your mind you're going, I don't have enough. no matter how much you have, you're always going to feel like you don't have enough. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's another one of those things that it would take some time in our journeys to kind of figure it out and find out. you have any kind of like

rituals that you do around money and stuff because I like to keep my wallet always super organized, super clean. Like all my bills have to be in order. I love, okay that's the most peppercorn thing I've ever heard. Yeah, when I need order, I do order. You're like everything needs, do you like iron? You like keep it like everything's like? I don't iron it but I do remove the wrinkles and stuff, the crinkles and then I make it I was gonna say, if you could iron them, I feel like you would.

And yeah, with the, with my steamer, I do have a, but whenever I'm with my friends and stuff and I hear, I like, you know, we train our friends and family members have to kind of, well, we indirectly train them how to certainly maneuver their lives around you. And so every time my friends say like, I'm broke. Like, I cannot afford that. I cannot do that. I'm like, can I see your wallet really quick?

I like there's some cool old seams and then like paper is no like, that's why you don't have money. Because you don't care about money because if you did, your wallet would not be this clutter, this nasty, this dusty, this old, this cut, this rip. And just like a carpet gritting it, I would read them to filth, you know, like that's why you got no money. love that. You're total, like the fact that you can read people from their wallet, that's, that's really, really cool.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (32:21.612)
Because if you look, because my wallet, actually, if you think of my wallet, so my wallet, so I barely, I rarely carry cash. If I ever carry cash, it's so that if I see someone who needs it, like someone who's asking for it, I have cash on hand. Cause I hate when I see somebody and I'm like, I don't have cash. Like, what the hell? Like, do you have Venmo? Like. They do now. Yeah, right, they probably do. And I've done that a bunch of times, but.

But yeah, I like to have cash. I like to have some bills on me for that. But that's like it'll be in my car if I have it, because it's normally because I'm going, you know, L.A. Everyone's driving somewhere. So I have it there. But my wallet is actually a clip and it's only like four or five cards that I have there. And it's very I always have the same four or five cards. And the money clip is a custom money clip that I ordered that says

compassion, strength, and truth. And yeah, which is funny because I don't ever like really reflect on it. just like, I just, I loved it when I ordered it. So what would you, what would you say from that? I think it's great. You know, as long as you are organized, I think that it's awesome. The whole thing is, and it's funny because a friend did give to me a clip, but it doesn't have any engraving. I'm like, what kind of technology is this?

I need a wallet. I'm old school on this. But no, think as long as we are kind of like organized and stuff, it's just around like having all of this clutter, cookie wraps, chocolate wraps, like in the handbag. I've seen so many things. So gross. Yeah, I definitely, yeah, it actually is a good reflection of kind of my philosophy on things. It's like, love, my husband and I, have a problem. We love to throw things away.

It's like the opposite of hoarding. It's like, just like so, to the point where we have to be like, let's hold onto it for a little bit. Let's it a let's give it a chance. But generally speaking, even with money, I try to have a really simplistic mindset. And the mindset is more, okay, when it comes to money,

Pilar Lyutfalieva (34:41.257)
Most of the things that I buy are like for the family, it's for everyone else. And then I treat myself. My husband and I, I told you Capricorn, we have very different ways of spending money, which is really funny. We ultimately end up spending like about the same amount of money. But I like to buy a lot of little things or like, you know what I mean? More like special or like, but smaller in size. My husband, he likes to wait.

He likes to wait and then he gets something really expensive. Like he's been waiting to get like a really expensive watch that he like, you know, he's been researching and researching for like at least a year now and he's waiting, he's waiting, he feels like he can get it this year or next year, but same thing. Or like when we wrapped our car, right? Like that was a big expense, but it was like a big deal, you know? So it's like, that's how he spends money.

And I spend money like, I like nice little things, simple, you know, nothing too crazy, nothing too extravagant. But that's my mindset because I feel like, my God, if I go too big too much, like somebody might see me. I might, again, that imposter syndrome that sort of survivor's guilt of like, I'm still from the streets. My husband doesn't care. My husband like luxury white glove experience. He like wants it. That's him.

And it feels good, know, again, it feels good when, yeah, it feels good when you're able to buy yourself good stuff because again, you work hard for it, you deserve it. Yeah. Yeah. There's no guilt. Yeah, totally, totally. It is a process, but that's awesome. I love it. And you, so you do Zumba. I am a, right now, I'm on my retire.

faith. Yeah, I did leave it on October. I was teaching for 10 years. was thinking so about for over 15 years teaching 10 years. But then I started to experience anxiety and major depression, not just in a kind of psychological, but now started to manifest throughout my body. And I was going through so many doctors and stuff. So on October of this past year, I left Zumba and then I remember my.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (37:03.544)
Tommy, don't tell anyone that you're leaving because then everybody suspends their memberships and stuff and whatever. Like just leave. So then I was like, be quiet about it. And I didn't tell anybody around it. Yeah, but I was teaching for 10 beautiful, amazing years. Wow. Wow. That's a long time. I had no idea it was that long. I mean, I, on the offset, I'm like, I think

Zumba is amazing, but then in execution and practicality, I saw my mom go through a complete transformation. And she would, she basically, she retired, finalized divorce with my dad. She went back to Spain. She went to the South of Spain, got herself a tiny little apartment, and she just went to Zumba and worked out for like four or five hours a day.

This girl, I'm telling you, and I say girl because she literally turned her body turned into a teenager. Like at 65 and 70, her legs look better than like anybody in a 10 mile radius. Like damn. Yeah. I mean, absolutely incredible. Yes, Zumba is amazing. And I just remind you something really quick about speaking about divorce. My parents just went to Mexico and they came back like a few days ago.

And then I went in the kitchen and then my dad was like, he was in the kitchen also. he was like, his sister, Patti, she's like, Hey, you know that Patti is finally single now. She's over like 65 and she's been through a very hard marriage and it only took her like a hundred years of her life to get a divorce. And then, and then my dad is like, she's single now. And then I was like, you mean she's whole now? And then she's like, what?

She's like, who are you? then, but it just reminds me of your mom. Like right now I could totally picture her going to her first Zumba class, being a little nervous and excited and then being hooked and going over and over and over again, because that's often the case of Zumba. Every instructor attracts different kinds of people and that's in life, but in Zumba you can see it right away. In my class, it was mostly older woman. And then there's some woman.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (39:29.07)
There was a time where this woman told me, and I was crying. That was my cancer rising, not the capricorn list. Clarify that. The lady tells me that she drives two hours to get to my class every day. And I'm like, my God. So then I started to be more aware of the kind of people that came to my class because I never really noticed, like, my God, it's mostly older woman. It's nurses, teachers, school principals and stuff.

And then every woman, once in a while, we share the story of like going through a difficult divorce, finding Zumba to meet themselves again. And it's so magical how throughout this 10 years, I really, really connected to like 50 and older women who were kind of meeting themselves for the first time. Zumba is really, really kind of like a very...

beautiful blessing in disguise because you think of Zumba like, it's just dance and twerking or stuff. No, there's some of that. if you find the instructor, there's that. But if you find the instructor that you really connect with, my. It's a spiritual experience. Yeah. Because I've been through so many Zumbas and let me tell you, not all of them are amazing for my kind of person, but they are amazing for other kind of people because obviously they're packed with other kind of people.

But yes, I just suddenly got a vision of your mom right now going to the door and then like, Miha! my God. I'm dancing now. Literally, literally. my God, yeah. And she got her little circle of friends and yeah, she was reborn. She was reborn. So if you don't mind talking about it, going through depression, that's something that I definitely struggle with. I go through...

you know, these kind of cycles to the point where I'm like, you know, for a little period of time, I was like, am I manic? Like, what's going on? You know, the Latino fire, it's like kind of unleashes every now and then I'm like, what's happening? But, you know, how was that experience for you? You're talking about it kind of transformed. It kind of went through, it started going through and expressing itself through your body. Yes, and I don't mind speaking about it right now.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (41:50.038)
It is still manifesting through my body. And I have a set of doctors who are helping me right now, specialists. have a neurologist and a cardiologist and this and stuff, because it really, really can transfer to your body. Like so much emotional heaviness. It really, really, really starts to show up in your body. So then last week I was in the ER, it was an emergency room because I thought I was going to get a heart attack.

And because that's what we're trying to find out if it's in my brain, if it's in my heart, if it's in anxiety, what it is. ER, tummy, it seems like it was a panic attack, but I still tomorrow have a doctor's appointment. But I think, you know, for going back to childhood, I was so bullied aggressively for being gay, especially in a country like Mexico back in those days. Ooh, that was different.

And it's funny because it's not even that long ago. It's not like a hundred years. It wasn't like last generation. It's like this generation. Yeah. then, you know, and it's so interesting because I throughout my life, I learned and it's funny because now right now when I was going to the coffee shop, I was like, what is she asking about depression and anxiety? Is that something that I'm down to share or not? And then I saw this truck with the two, two, two, as I am talking about this.

So I'm like, I don't mind talking about it. So then, you know, I grew up being extremely, extremely bully and all in silence because me sharing with my family, with my parents that I was being bullied, met coming out. And coming out, it was terrible. And then so many times I've been kicked out of schools in the ages of like six, like 10 of school for hanging out with girls. I was not allowed to with girls because I always dance.

You know in Mexico they do El Dia de las Madres dance, El Dia del Papa dance, de todo. So I would always be the first one to want to dance. like, no, only the girls can dance. The men, we have to do recitals or do the machete dance. They're like, but no, I don't want to dance that. Like, I want to dance with the girls. Yeah, you're like, those dances suck. I to do the better ones. Horrible ones. So many times I will get kicked out of school because I hang out with the girls. Then at home, like, that would

Pilar Lyutfalieva (44:16.022)
Outrage on me, like I told him many times. He wasn't really worried about me dancing with the girls. He was more worried about being kicked out of school and being called to school. Like, what are you doing, dude? So he told me that if I kept hanging out with girls and dancing, I was gonna grow boobs. That's like at the age of six, I was traumatized for that. That's like the most Latino. Yes, I was traumatized. I was looking at my chest every morning.

grow them already or not, are they coming out or what? And then, so I kept that all in me. And then at a certain age, all of that script of guys, kids throwing rocks at me whenever my mom tell me to get tortillas or leche and throwing sticks and whatever they couldn't find from the ground. There was a point when I had enough of it and I was like, I am, I am everything that they tell me. I am disgusting.

I am to be shame. I am a sin. Maybe God really doesn't like me. That's why I'm like this. That's why I'm different. And it's not like I was a flamboyant boy. I was just not into the macho stuff. I wanted weren't overly macho. And in Latino culture, it's all about over macho-ness. Yeah. middle school, it's like you pick your kind of, if you're going to do mechanics,

typewriting at that time, computer or textiles. And like, I want to do textiles. It was like, what? Are you sure you don't want to do mechanics? All Mexicans are like, what? They're like, why are you doing like, why are you like this? No, I started to believe everything that they told me. I was like, if it's a lot of people, then it must be true. then, last year- How old were you around that time when that happened? This is, I think I started to actually internalize it like around

eight or nine years old when I was like, this is true. Like I am different, but not in a good way. Like, Ooh, I'm different. was like, am outcast. is not okay. So, I talk, I'm talking to you about that because going to the doctor and telling them, I feel like this, this is happening to me. I get migraines, get some lightheadedness. I just don't feel myself. I'm always so anxious.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (46:38.698)
I meditate, I run, I just swim. You're like, I take care of myself. Like that doesn't make sense. I'm always on my smoothies, everything like juices. What's happening to me? Yeah. So then I was at the doctor last year, at the beginning of last year. And then we went through so many exams, so many, so many different ones. And then I have a blood test and then the nurse calls me and said,

The doctor wants to see you tomorrow in his office. But tomorrow, like in you, isn't it like two weeks in advance? Like, no tomorrow at 3pm. It was a specific, the time it was a Friday at 3pm. I didn't get to choose. He wants to see you in his office. So then I make it to the, over there to the appointment in the doc. I'm so nervous. I'm so, so nervous. The doctor tells me there is a abnormality on your blood work. And I was like, okay.

What is that? Maybe my cholesterol is high again. Maybe. I don't know what's going on. I thought it was diabetes or something. And cause Google told me that it was diabetes when I Googled it, you know? So then he tells me that I have to see a hematologist. I don't know if you know what that is. Yeah. Blood expert basically. Yeah. possible blood cancer. And then when he says blood cancer, like I numb, I numb out.

And I just disappeared from the room. And then it's so interesting because I went back to my childhood and I, as a doctor was talking, I was like this little kid running from school, getting all these rocks thrown at him and then being called all of the same. And then I come back to the room and I'm like, of course I'm here. Of course I would be in this situation where the very blood that gets me my life, it's being compromised.

Because I have believed for such a long time that I am disgusting, that I am terrible, that I'm to be shamed, know? That your DNA is, that you're yourself. Yeah. And while I was not at peace with it, like, I deserve this. I was just like, wow, it makes sense now. Like, of course I'm feeling like this. I'm feeling like crap. So then I go home. I don't even know how I get home. You know those one of times that you just drive and you don't even know how you got there? Yeah.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (49:03.084)
I'm not crying. I'm not even thinking. I'm just like, what is this about? Like, why am I here? You know, but not in a way of like, why am I sick? It was more like, what does this mean? So then I went, it was like a month still into my appointment to see the hematologist at the city of hope. And then I didn't even know it was a cancer center until I get there. I'm like,

my God. This is starting to get very serious. Very serious. Yeah. Like this is very serious. And I saw like mostly older people in wheelchairs with that hair and stuff. Like, my God, I am the youngest guy in here. What's happening? Wow. And then, my mom is like, I waited into a long time to tell my parents what was happening because they worry a lot.

So I get there, my mom was praying, and she's crying like, can you be strong for me right now? Like, really don't need you to shut up. I mean, it's not great today. then the doctor, this very fancy doctor, he's like, why are you here again? Because he got the labs and all that stuff from my doctor. And then he's like, that's not a reason enough to send you here. It's like, I don't know why you're here. We're going to do more blood work. So they did more blood work from his own office. And then he's like,

No, there's nothing to worry about that. You're very healthy. There's nothing to do with your blood. There's no cancer. There's not even even a little clue that there's going cancer within you right now. So then I go home and then I start to think again, like, okay, if I'm already like out of this possibility and this possibility, it's obviously that it's a very great time now to finally address my depression and anxiety.

for a more compassionate and gentle way. So I am very careful about the way I talk to myself now. Even when I'm feeling anxious or depressed, I'm like, well, it's okay that you're feeling depressed. What's wrong with that? Just don't identify with it. Just know like I am going through a depression episode right now, but not like I am depressed. It's like removing, as you know, many books say that remove everything that comes after that I am because you're declaring it to be your own everything.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (51:19.096)
But at this point, I don't take any meds or anything just yet. I did go through a little bit of therapy. I didn't feel connected. Not because I do not feel, not because I say that therapy is not good. It just was not right for me at that time because I needed space to process everything that was going through me. So nowadays, even before this podcast, which I want to thank you because you have a very calming energy.

I did drink a bunch of stuff before this, episode lavender. And I mean like natural stuff, and stuff. Yeah. I'm like, because I don't want to get anxiety or something. I was doing this podcast with this other guy and I was terrified the whole time. I'm like, you know what, dude, we're to cancel because I'm not feeling well. Like I was just so overwhelmed, but you have a very beautiful and calming energy. So thank you. Thank you for that. So now.

Yeah. Nowadays, whenever I feel just depressed, I just kind of bring more compassion to myself. Like, dude, after everything you've been through, you think you're going to fix it in one day with one mantra, with one week of meditation, like it's going to take probably your whole lifetime. And that might sound a little bit depressing, but it's coming to terms that it's a journey. And some people are struggling with something else in this lifetime.

It happened that my soul chose to go through this. But something that helps me a lot, I read Viola Davis, I read the actor from Sashama, I it's the movie. I read a lot of people who overcame, like Abraham Lincoln, massive depression and anxiety through the lifetimes. And somehow that just brings me to a more regulated state. Totally, totally. You know you're not alone through that. Yeah.

I mean, thank you so much for sharing that, because that's so powerful. And I think you basically described the life cycle of trauma. And what's so interesting is that you came, we were just talking about abundance. And something that I've noticed, and it happened to me as well. It's like,

Pilar Lyutfalieva (53:47.086)
When the waters, it's like an ocean, and when the waters are, it's very tumultuous, right? All the animals go deeper into the ocean. And then when there's calm, the animals come up. And what I've noticed is that when people experience calm in their life from a deep place, when they start to really experience peace in their life, and there's not this like,

narrowing in these blinders on of like, gotta do this, gotta do that, da da da. Now all of a sudden when there's some peace and they can take the blinders off, that's when the shit comes up. And you're just talking about abundance and all now all of a sudden being able to like feel comfortable and be able to like provide and share your abundance. And you have your physical manifestation of all your trauma coming to the surface.

Yeah, yeah, yes, Totally. It is there right now. Yeah, yeah. And I love that you, you know, the way you talked about it, like, it's just, it's so relatable. know, that idea of like connecting, of making the connection as it's happening and being like, my God, of course I'm here. Like this makes total sense, right? In how I've manifested.

this trauma in my life, this conflict, this conflicting belief system that I've internalized and how it's manifested in my life physically. Like, this makes sense. And even though you know it's a journey, that you accept that it's a journey. And I think that that's one of the things that, like, spirituality tries to teach us and through many translations and many, you know, trillions of years of people talking about it.

that idea of being present ultimately comes down to the journey is gonna be every day, right? It's not about chasing a goal. It's not about like hitting the finish line because once you hit the finish line, you still have another day. You still have another journey. You still have another goal. What's gonna happen when you finish all your goals? Now what? You still have to enjoy the day. You still have to enjoy the moment that you're in.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (56:11.218)
And to think of it as like, all right, I'm here. I've already arrived. Every day is an arrival. And being able to, you know, and obviously it's a lot easier to talk about than when you're like in it, you know, and some days are better than others, you know. For sure, like I definitely went through a really bad depression while I was a single parent. I was coming through.

you know, it kind of like the worst time, but the best time because I was also like getting to the tail end of basically like my, I call my very special relationship with alcohol, which is like, love alcohol. Like I, you know what I mean? It's like my perfect escape. was around drug addicts and lots of drugs growing up, but I never liked drugs. I just, it was always alcohol for me and,

You know, I went into a serious spiral with alcohol and got myself and possibly others, you know, I could have gotten hurt. could have killed other people several times. It's just that wake up, you know, of like, all right, what am I doing with my life? Like, where is, like, where am I? I'm not even here, you know, getting through that. Again, you put the blinders on, right? Because anytime you start to like, try to reflect,

When you're in it, when you're deep in it, it's really hard to get to where you're at now, but it's just time. It's literally like all it is is like one foot in front of the other, like pasito, pasito, like literal, like micro pasito, pasito. But it's, you showed up, you showed up another day. And I feel like for anybody who suffers from depression, like one, you're totally not alone. And two, like, I can't tell you how happy I am that like you're here another day.

Yeah. You know, like I'm getting emotional, but it's true. Like every day, every minute that you said, like, even if you were like, okay, I'm going to go get tea now or whatever, you made a decision to still be here. You made a decision to make a decision, right? That includes you being in this world and we all go through it. feel like we all heal.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (58:32.342)
in different ways and we have to honor that journey. I feel like that's the part of compassion that's really hard for a lot of us when we've made a lot of mistakes in our lives. You know, we have that feeling of like, you know, why did I express my trauma in this way? Why did I, you know, do it like this? Why did I make those decisions? That's part of the healing. That's part of the healing. You have to make those decisions so that you can connect the dots.

Right? So you can say, my God, that was fucked up. Yeah. You can literally go like, my God, why was I messing around with married men? Like, you know what I mean? It's because I didn't feel good enough to be number one. I had to have that shame in my life. I had to feel that I had to experience that. And then you get through it. We all heal in our.

own unique ways because everything we do and experience will inform the healing process. It goes, here's your encyclopedia. Here's your you. This is you. So now you can go, this is why this, that's why that. This is why this, that's why that. Now you have something to work with. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. And you know, as we say also that, we might not be directly responsible for our depression.

in our anxiety, but we are responsible for however we cover from it. Because so many times the sad thing, the very tragic thing about mental illness is that when there is, as I posted the other day on my Instagram, the size matters in the sense that your faith, depending on how big your faith is matters, depending on how big your heart is, is what matters, know, and your commitment to your betterment.

Because there is a very, very fine line whenever you're in a very low moment that you really don't want anything to do with the world that you really, really down. You're like, I'm worthless. I'm this and stuff. That's where like your fate comes into place. It's like, remember that fate is unconditional. Whether you feel good, you'll feel bad, you feel worthy or worthy fate's gotta be there. Cause in, I'm not talking kind of like a

Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:00:54.796)
religious kind of faith, but more into like a general concept that having trust that this too will pass. If you're willing to do some of the work, because some of the work it is part of the universe, Allah, God, Krishna, Jesus, whatever you want to call it. And the other half is yours. That yes, I am feeling very down right now. If you're depressed, all I want to do is sleep.

Okay, that's fine if you just want to sleep, but don't listen to Lana Del Rey. Don't listen to Adele and don't start to bring yourself into a bigger hole than the one you are. Like you have to be willing, as you said, to take little, little steps to move through it. Not necessarily past it, but through it because you know, it's been there for a while and probably is going to continue there, but we have to start taking little, little, little steps.

to move through that depression and anxiety in those daily practices really do matter because for me, my coping mechanism for depression has been food. And I never, never, never knew that. Never. wow. Until as an adult. my goodness. I took a trip a few years ago to Wyoming for a month by myself. I wanted to be in the forest, the Jackson Hole and just be with myself. And then I was there.

And then I was in my rental, eating pizza, crying, listening to sad music. And I was enjoying the pizza and I ate a large whole pizza by myself. And at that time, it didn't ring anything. Like it didn't ring a bell. was happy. I was in the forest crying with the pizza eating, reminiscing on my ex and how bad it was my relationship. But somehow eating the pizza allowed me to process those feelings that I was feeling.

And then I go back, I would eat hamburgers like a 4 a.m. Jack in the box, like a 4 a.m. crying to work because I hated my life. I hated my job. the burger, without me knowing it, it will make it so good. And then so many times I cry before, while eating like super junk food. So it's like, if you know you're going to a very difficult time right now, you know you should not be eating the junk food.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:03:18.37)
Maybe some fruits, some veggies and stuff. Because while this is, because let's be honest and please you can correct me. Okay. You felt the freedom to correct me. You're like, I know that I feel like sometimes. Because also my mother suffers from very deep depression and anxiety, like major harder than mine. it's like, but there's no really willingness to. Right.

move forward to do a little exercise, to do a little bit something. And also because I really don't know the level that she feels it within herself, you know, I'm no one to decide that. But I'm like, I'm just go for a walk around the block. Just do something very, very little that is going to start to ignite the brain to do something further. Because I feel as we have this beautiful explosion of people sharing their mental illness. Sometimes I think in the mainstream media for profit,

It's so romanticized through books, through podcasts, through YouTube shows. It's like, yeah, it's so bad and it's dangerous and whatever. everybody suffers it, but it's very little when it goes to making ourselves also accountable and responsible, not for it, but for the recovery that should further recovery period of time. What do you think of that? Do you think we really have romanticized?

in mainstream mental illness. I think that's an actually really interesting perspective and I don't disagree with it. think that, I think with the media, is, it is interesting. What I do, I think that when it comes to mental illness, I don't think that we as in the mainstream media are as intentional.

or as calculated in how it's talked about. I think that there's by virtue of like the funnel and how things kind of get watered down and nuance kind of gets left in the mud. It's really hard for mainstream media to kind of give people exactly what it is they need. They kind of slap a little bumper on there that says, you know, if you're suffering from mental illness.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:05:43.416)
Like you're suffering from depression, like here's a phone number, make sure to call it. You're not alone, right? Like I think that there's certain things that mainstream media does to kind of meet the wave of what's happening, which is the internet allows people to now feel more connected, feel more open, find our tribes. And they see that. The way I see mental illness, it's interesting.

Like for instance, I think the media picks and chooses certain mental illnesses to vilify and to put on a pedestal. Like if you're suffering from depression, like, you know, if you're a narcissist, like, boo, right? Like there's, but there's this whole, you know, it's like, but it's all mental illness. Like it's all, you know what I mean? So I think that

So it's a really interesting perspective that I haven't heard before, but I agree with it. I think that by virtue of like what is naturally happening, which is people sharing more of their stories, fuck, I mean, we see people committing suicide all the time that, you know, people see that are having money and they've got all these things going for them. You know what I mean? Even people get hurt.

like, don't know if you know Jeremy Renner, he just had a really bad snow plowing accident, right? Like that just happened when we're recording that happened like a day or two ago. And even when people have like really bad accidents, to me, I feel like it's a manifestation of like stuff that's going on. And there was like, just like a football player, who just, you know, collapse on the field, right? It's like, when you see these things, I think that, you know, there needs to be like a general.

compassion, know, and I think there is, but mainstream media, it's by virtue of what it is, which is a dilution from the nuance of what, you know, so that's why it's like really important for people to make connections, right? For people to, that's why I love social media and the internet if used in an intentional way, which is like, you can find people that you like connect with in a real way.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:08:00.472)
that you see that nuance and it's not about the dilution. Because once you get to the dilution, that's what we think of as social media, which is like these accounts with like four million followers and it's them and their chateau and like their cute little dogs and you know what I mean? And like that's great for a certain vibe, but it's like that shouldn't be your full experience.

I think that that's really, really well said. And when it comes to like depression and like you said, like putting in the work and being responsible for your own journey, I feel like that is something that comes with the journey. I feel like that's like a part of the process. And like you said, it is micro steps. is like, and you know, talking about older generations, like they're just taught to like shut the door.

And it's easier to be disappointed in people. It's easier to feel disappointment. It's easier to feel angry and it's easier to be depressed than it is to put yourself out there and risk joy because it feels like a risk to older generations. Joy feels like a risk. My mom grew up with Franco grew up with, you know, civil war and all of that, like right on their heels and.

I remember crying to her because I had no friends. And she was like, what are you talking about? She was and she was and she was bitter in her own way because even though they had like, you know, there was the obvious, like you don't feel emotions like we're literally trying to stay like people were dying of starvation. And I think of my husband as the same model because he grew up in Russia. There's a lot of what our generation was going through. He went.

So there's a lot of like things where I'm like, have, you know, that sort of concepts around emotional stability and emotionally thriving and feeding the soul and all those things are like completely foreign concepts sometimes, you know? And that's why they have us. That's why we're their children. So we can be like, I know you're still there, Ma. Like, right? Like hitting the nail on the trying to chip away at it.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:10:29.11)
And being like, I see you, because I think that's a big part of it, right? It's like, I see you. And I think that older generation, it's the unseen, right? Disease, depression. It was the unseen disease for them because it was like, when you're in front of everybody, you're normal, you're cooking the food, you're making the clothes, you're da-da-da-da-da-da, you're doing your task, you're doing your job. But when you get, when you're by yourself, you're depressed, right?

You're a shell of a human. Yeah, exactly. So being able to just tell our parents or tell people where that's a hard concept for them, just being able to say like, see you and like, it's okay. Even if they tell it like, they are or whatever, are they like trying to push you away or like, know, like look at you with your feelings, right? Like just those words, it's a, it's a butterfly effect, right? So it is important for us to kind of all do our part.

a little bit when we can or whatever, but like that's why because it comes at its own time. So I agree though, it's like you, the more you get into that awareness, the more you realize like this is all me. Like I'm the only one that can dictate my joy. I'm the only one that can pull myself out of this. And it's not in a way of like,

I'm alone, which is the, which is its own cycle, right? Of like existing for others. And then there's this feeling of, well, if I die, like, will anybody even care? And the other side of that is when you realize, well, yeah, if I die, like people will move on. That's life. That's death.

What's more important is that like I get excited about the fact that I get to live my life today. Because of course people are going to move on. That's death. That's life. That we're attaching our value to being of service for others, for how do we show up in the world? What's our value to others? Instead of being like, I'm worried about yourself. What about yourself? I can do whatever the fuck I want right now. Like I'm a go for it.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:12:53.804)
You know what mean? Like, I'm gonna take all my clothes off and just like lay down on the floor. Like, I can do whatever I want right now. And like, that's the joy that you learn to get to is like, I get to do what I want right now. Like, I'm the manifestor of my destiny, like right fucking now. Yeah. Yeah. And I meant you said it, you said it that it's kind of like bringing it back to you rather than just basing it on what others are going to.

being safe or whatever, but in, really meant it going further into the word romanticizing mental illness in the sense of like, we hear this on mainstream media that meditate five minutes a day and stuff. Like I am Chopra certified in meditation and I'm not saying that that makes me superior in any way, but I mean like I have a meditation practice. I have a system of regulating my body.

of supplements of this and stuff that we romanticize it in the sense that depression and anxiety are very dark. They could get very, very dark. And we're trying to scape with a little essential oil, which I have all of them, essential oils and stuff. But I mean, there is where I mean like doing the work and then not really giving into the idea that depression and anxiety should.

get to the point where you are functioning and able to do the things that you want and enjoy with not so much chaos, but it's having that mentality that it gets really dark and there is no need to get rid of it all at once. There is so much that one can experience those very difficult dark moments. I remember my friend Alberto who was going through a difficult divorce.

And he's so young. He's so handsome. He's such a beautiful guy. And then he calls me like, and that was his first anxiety panic attack, whatever, ever. And he's like, dude, can I call you? I think I'm having an anxiety attack. Like, I feel so bad. Like, dude, I'm for big, this is real. I couldn't answer the phone. It's like, Hey, can you feel your anxiety? And then I'll call you back to tell me what it felt like. I mean, he's like, what? I'm like, I'm like, just feel it. Just feel what your anxiety is trying to show you.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:15:21.112)
because oftentimes we feel anxious and the first thing we do is like, give me my pills, give me my oil, give me my stuff. it's like, and yesterday I was feeling a little anxious. So I, not super anxious, but I sit down on my couch and I'm like, okay, what's happening? And I started to notice if it was on my stomach, if it was on my chest, to try to figure it out, where is it going to where? And it was on my belly. And I'm like, well,

I've been eating ham every day because nobody wants to eat the leftovers for a few years. Of course it's trying to teach me that I probably should do a little cleanse or show on the ham because I feel so guilty for, which is another thing, not guilty for throwing it away because it's so much and it's so good, but nobody wants to eat it. So I'm like, okay, I'm going to eat ham again. And then, but it's really understanding that it's not this. Quick fix.

experience, yeah, quick fix that, but I shouldn't feel this horrible. Like who says that? Like that's your reality right now. Unfortunately, that's how you're feeling. And you know what happens every time you try to fight it on the spot. It doesn't work. You just go into a bigger spiral. Instead, I really suggest into going into practices of at least trying like, okay, where is this coming from? What is this reminding me of? Why do I feel like this is really

doing a self inquiry like what's taking place right now about this anxiety or depression. But yeah, I mean like the romanticizing of like, it is dark. It can get very, very it's like 11 light. It's okay. We'll get through this. Yeah, totally, totally. I misunderstood, but 100%. no, no, no. I just wanted to give further. No, no, no. That was part of it. Yes, yes. No, I agree. I agree. Yeah. I think that,

Yeah, there's this idea of like, think it's that dopamine fix, right? It's that like, and it's also kind of, I see this manifest itself when people have like a million journals, but like don't finish them, you know, like they'll be like, they love the idea of like getting the journal or they love the idea of like planning their meditation or they love the idea of like doing the pre-work, but then never actually doing the work. Right. And it's because.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:17:46.54)
Yeah, there's this sort of like, okay, everybody, or you see like on Pinterest and it's like all these beautiful, like, know, animations or like drawings of like yoga poses. And so you're like filling up your Pinterest board and you're filling up, you know, your Instagram with all these like inspirational things, but then you're not actually doing anything. And it's because it's prettier to look at and it's not really going into the nitty gritty of like, okay, get off your ass and do something now.

Yeah, yes. It's time for work, the real work. It's time for the real work, 100%. And the routine is so important. And it doesn't mean you're going to be perfect every day. Doesn't mean that you're going to get it right every single time. There's no right. But having a routine is, I've noticed, like more and more and more, like just, you know, just the nuance of doing it. It's like a relationship. You don't know what it's like to have...

Long-term relationship until you have a long-term real they stick all these things just come up. They were like, this that but having a routine It it allows you More longevity that allows you something to have a foundation to fall back onto You know the journaling the meditation Movement, right? Whatever it is that you establish as part of your routine like being mindful

during that routine. It could even literally be like, you know, if you have like a 17 step skincare regimen and like you have like a, like a really religious like bathroom routine, that could be your routine. That could be, you know, but that you're mindful and you're present while it's happening. Cause that's all it is. It's just creating time and space for yourself in a consistency, right? Where you're giving back to yourself. You're filling your own cup, gotita, gotita, drop by drop.

and that you're allowed to have a place, talking about abundance, have a place from which to show up in the world. Right? Yes. You said it. You said it again. You said it again. Definitely. man. Well, this was by far one of my favorite conversations. don't want to like, not knocking on anybody, but I love this conversation. I feel like we went to some really important and deep places.

Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:20:10.658)
And I can't wait to have you back. Thank you. And I had a great time. I feel like we went from like the happy money into like, let's go into the bottom of the ocean, dark moments and trauma into a little bit of the practices at that or a little bit of the ideas in the romanticizing of the depression and anxiety. And I think it's only having a great conversation only because you're a beautiful, amazing host.

And you were so calming that I didn't feel the need to like, okay, maybe it's time for us to cut it out now. So thank you for that. You're like, no, no. No, I mean, it's a two way street. It's a two way street. You're so I love your energy. I loved it ever since we first connected. And I didn't even get to like hear your voice. I like heard your voice through your.

through your videos, you know? Yeah. And I'm just, I'm so happy that we've, you know, reconnected like this and reconnected because obviously there's like something there. So I feel like it's nice to reconnect. And yeah, I mean, we'll be in touch, but then also I'm totally going to have you back. I think that this is like really important stuff to keep talking about. And there's just so much more, right? I feel like this is just an endless.

You know, it's an endless galaxy of things to go deep on and talk about. I mean, we didn't even talk about like relationships or, you know, different kinds of healing and, you know, getting your certification from Chopra. I'm really interested in hearing about that. And yeah, I mean, and just also the progress, you know, just talking about how we're progressing in life. Yes, we'll catch up again. Thank you so much. are amazing. I love you. I'll talk to you soon. Okay. Thank you. Bye.

Bye.