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The complete toolkit for understanding toddler behavior (e.g. hitting, throwing, biting, pushing), navigating tantrums and meltdowns, fostering healthy sibling relationships and dynamics so your kids can get along and raising skilled resilient self-regulated toddlers. If you have toddlers that are close in age or multiple kids then this podcast is made for you! Heather helps parents transform their aggressive toddlers behavior into a calm, kind and caring toddler with a more peaceful and joyful home.
Heather is the Founder of Heather Schalk Parenting, a Twin Mama, Toddler Toolkit Podcast Host, Teacher for 10 years (pre-k through 9th grade), specialization in behavior, with her M.Ed.
Heather's passion is helping moms of toddlers who have disruptive tantrums develop proactive and 'in the moment' strategies to Transform their toddlers disruptive tantrums, aggressive ‘button-pushing’ behavior into a Calm, Kind and Caring Toddler so you have a joyful family and enjoy motherhood.
Next Toddler Mom Cohort to Transform Aggressive Toddler Behavior taught by Heather is in September 2024!
Welcome to toddler toolkit podcast. Your complete toolbox for peaceful parenting and raising joyful toddlers. Discover long term strategies, personalized support, and tips for fostering healthy sibling relationships. Hey there. So welcome.
Heather:Today, we're talking about toddlers competing for attention and what that looks like and how that can impact us, especially toddlers competing for attention that are either twins or close in age. So we're gonna go through a few different dynamics of this. And before I get into that, I just wanna remind you, so today's October 16th and tomorrow, October 17th, I'm gonna announce the giveaway winners for the 1 year podcast review party. So if you've been listening to this podcast and you haven't wrote a review yet, all you need to do is scroll down, click the link that says write a review, write a 5 star review on how this podcast has if you've learned tips or it's inspired you or it just makes you feel less alone, whatever whatever it is, whatever a positive experience you've had, just type it. You don't have to type a lot.
Heather:You can just do a sentence or 2, just explaining that and then take a screenshot before you hit submit and send that screenshot to my email, heather@twinmomroadmap.com, or you can join our Facebook community. The link to join that is down in the show notes and you can share it there as well, the screenshot. And then on October 17th, that's where I'm gonna announce, some of the giveaway winners. And one of the winners is gonna win my unreleased course, the 3 steps to calm, kind, and caring toddler that is unreleased. And so you'll be the 1st to have it before anybody else does.
Heather:So that's one of the prizes, and there'll be many other prizes too. It's like Christmas is coming early. So make sure, not to miss out. And if you're hearing this podcast on 16th or even, early on 17th, go ahead, write that review, take that screenshot, and submit it to my email or the Facebook group. Okay?
Heather:Alright. So toddlers competing for attention. So, yes, it's like double the need for comfort. Right? So twins or toddlers close in age, they might be experiencing similar needs at the same time.
Heather:So if one child falls and cries and the other one wants attention too, then they're both coming at you. Okay? So that they both want comfort at the same time. You know, maybe, like, one child. Yeah.
Heather:Maybe they did get injured need help with the task or maybe they are having a tantrum over something. And while that is valid, you were already helping an other child, and then it's at the same time. Right? And then it becomes a lot. It that's something I call, it's kind of like twins or toddlers close in age.
Heather:They can feed off of each other and something I call sibling amplification. You know, it that can be really challenging, when one child is saying, you know, they need help and the other child is saying, mommy, I hold me too, or I need you too, or help me too. So I see a lot of this when my twins are overtired. A built in, playmate, so to speak, which, you know, a lot of people will say, oh, twins, well, you have a they have a built in playmate, or now you have toddlers close in age, built in playmate. But for many times, you know, with overstimulation, more tantrums, feeding off of each other, more tantrum triggers with sharing and turd taking and more just overstimulation in general with toddlers close in age.
Heather:So while it is amazing that they do have a playmate for sure, there's the other side to it that needs to not be downplayed, and that's why I am bringing that to the attention of everybody that's listening. So even if you just have one child, you might still feel like that is challenging, and that's totally okay too. But, yeah, there there is a unique dynamic to having 2 toddlers close in age or the same age, twins. So they could become more clingy. Right?
Heather:They're they're one is clinging to your leg while the other one kind of starts pulling on you, getting kind of frustrated they're not getting that attention. And you might feel like you have to kinda break up the altercation. You might have to like like, you're being pulled in so many directions. And, it can get to the point where you're like, what child do I help first? Especially up if your toddlers are in a altercation over a toy or over maybe one toddler did something to the other, and they didn't like it.
Heather:It pushed their buttons. It made them uncomfortable, or they they move something they're playing with. They knock something over. Maybe they were working on playing blocks, and they knocked it over. Right?
Heather:So both children are upset over something, and sometimes you have to deal with one child while doing something else with the other child at the same time. Like, should they have not thrown hit at their sibling? So you're trying to validate one child for being a hard or upset, and then the other one, you're trying to give some kind of, boundary or, you know, discipline action. And a lot of times, you know, you'll see, like, you know, maintaining boundaries with multiple kids can be very tricky because you have to prioritize and you can't necessarily do it all at the same time. And as we know, like, boundaries are more effective when we're more immediate with them.
Heather:So there is a way that I can definitely help support you with that on a further scale, but here are some simple tips just for right now. But I really do recommend, you sign up for my transform aggressive toddler behavior and tantrums workshop into a calm, kind, and caring toddler. Okay. The link for that is, it's actually workshop recording at this point. It already happened.
Heather:So when you sign up for the wait list workshop, you're just gonna get the prerecording of it, and you're also gonna get a guide. And but you'll be the first to know if I have another live workshop in the future. So, so some strategies to deal with this double need for comfort would be, you know, some simple strategies, but, obviously, like, I want you to come to my workshop because while the these things are helpful, we really need to get more to the root cause and which this doesn't address. It's too complex to talk about here. Okay?
Heather:So, anyways, so for strategies for this, you know, of course, we can do some verbal reassurance to the child. I'm helping your brother right now. Once I'm done, it will be your turn. And then do group comfort when possible. And there was many times with my twins where, you know, they're both upset, and I just said, either I had them take turns on my lap or I had them sitting kind of, like, both on me or to the side, and they're really big kids.
Heather:So, you know, that that there was challenge with that, but I kind of had to tell them like, hey. You're gonna have to share me. Like, that is what's happening. And it I think if we if we don't advocate for that, then we always are gonna be caught between both of them, like, grabbing at us. So it's like making it, like, clear.
Heather:Hey. Well, you're gonna have to share me this time. Maybe other times not. Right? Because if a child got hurt, right, from something being thrown or something, then that child is gonna get comforted first, even if the other toddler then gets upset.
Heather:So it's like prioritizing, but also saying, like, what situations am I comforting one over the other? In what situations am am I saying, like, the boundary? What we're doing right now is I'm comforting both of you guys. That's how it is in the situation. Also, assigning tasks.
Heather:So your toddler, and I talk a lot about this in my 3 steps to a calm, kind, and caring toddler is the helper role. Our toddlers, a lot of them are great helpers, and they it's healthy for toddlers when they're waiting to learn how to cope with waiting. If our toddlers don't learn how to cope with waiting, they're gonna really struggle. So and you might see more tantrums. So having giving them that helper role in situations is gonna be really helpful.
Heather:So if you, you know, if you join the cohort with me, or you you get my course that will be coming out soon. So be on the lookout for that course. I'll let you know as soon as it's available, of course. But you're gonna really understand how to get your toddler to be a helper and learn how to wait better and have better coping skills for waiting instead of tantrumming and then making more messes, throwing more things, and engaging in more attention seeking behavior, like acting out just to get your attention. So this is really important thing.
Heather:So then, you know, when we look at balancing individual attention for toddlers, close in age or twins. Right? That importance of, you know, each child has their own unique personalities and needs, and it can feel for us a lot like a juggling act. You know? That's why if you can do some one on one time, it is great.
Heather:It can really be helpful. And we've gone through periods of time where we've done the one on one time, then we haven't. And it just, like, depends. Right? But I think the twins, it's like what I was saying, it's like, they are always together and they sometimes, it's just really good for them to have that time apart.
Heather:It's that overstimulation. You know, like loud outburst, interrupting, getting physical with each other, wrestling, hitting, pushing, all of those things. And, of course, like, for all those behaviors, there's things and there's ways that we can get to the root cause and and help your toddler navigate them, give them the skill they don't have. But if you can do the one on one time, it can really help too. The times that we have done it, it certainly has.
Heather:And it doesn't have to be anything fancy. You can just do a short amount of time, even just 10 minutes or even 5 minutes. While one toddler is doing something independent, do something with the other toddler, or you can do the separate time, you know? And it with kids close in age and twins, it can feel like, so different. Like, there's so much calmer when it's just 1 on 1, more peaceful.
Heather:But I do believe that's due to the novelty of it. So if you're listening and you do have one toddler and you're like, wait a second. Like, I'm at the end of my rope, and I only have one toddler. That's because that is all the time. That's all that child knows.
Heather:But when you have twins, they're always together, and you give them some of their own time or siblings close in age, and you give them some of their own one on one time. There's many different ways to do it. If you have 3 kids, there's also ways to do it too because you could have one child gets the 1 on 1 with you or your partner or a family or caretaker, and the other 2 go with another person in in that circle, in that family or social circle. Right? And then you can rotate.
Heather:So maybe it's only once a week. It's like, is it your turn this week? And then it's the other child's turn and the other child's turn. So at least, like, somebody is getting the 1 on one time every week, and then every few weeks, they get get it again. So there's different ways to kinda work it in.
Heather:But, yeah, I definitely I noticed such a huge difference in my twins when we did the 1 on 1. And then, you know, there's other things that can come up too, like clinginess. We were doing the 1 on 1. My one toddler had more of a separation anxiety for me, so it was really hard for me to be with his brother. And I always had to be with him because that separation was so hard for him.
Heather:So and that's something we have been working more on. And we actually have like a babysitter that comes now and and helps with that. And he's really blossoming and really growing with with the separation. And it's easier for him to leave now and go to grandma's house every now and then. So it's like it it's a work in progress.
Heather:Right? But that one on one time can really be important. And I know there's like, I gave the example of the separation anxiety of 1 twin. There can be like a wrench in it. Right?
Heather:Like that. Like, oh, it would be nice if we could just rotate. And I have one twin one week and the other twin the other week, but sometimes it's not quite like that. Right? It it all depends on individual children.
Heather:And so that is one of the reasons this whole individual child thing that I really do speak to the toddler and not always speaking to twins. Because a lot of the things that, you know, like, I know and I see is really they're an individual child. And, yes, we do need, like, strategies for dealing with multiple kids and twins. No doubt that should never be downplayed and it's it is so challenging and that's why I'm doing this episode. But on an other level, for sure, like, each twin or each child close in age is an individual and to help them is not always through the lens of twins or the lens of they're a year apart or something like that.
Heather:Right? So that's just kind of something I just kinda went off on a tangent on. So let's go to managing parent guilt and survival mode. So, yeah, this can be really challenging to twins, toddlers close in age. There can be a guilt with attention, like the time and attention we give each child.
Heather:And then we're also burned out, feeling overwhelmed in survival mode. And especially, if you're having a lot of behaviors, like a lot of tantrums, a lot of hitting, kicking, biting, and you're you're even if you're in a very patient person that can get burned out. So, that's obviously one of the reasons why I love helping parents with tantrums and behaviors and helping navigate that, but there's other layers to it too. And that's the layer about ourself, you know, like getting out of that emotional exhaustion. Also kind of, you know, the feeling of that you're giving one child more attention.
Heather:Maybe they demand more attention. Maybe it's due to, like, health or personality. Maybe, they're more emotional than the other child or maybe their development, where they are. They just need more support. So those can up be other reasons too.
Heather:And then an other child can feel left out because of that. And that's where I'm gonna get into the attention seeking at the end here. So I think it's it's really important to realize, like, I'm I'm not gonna get deep into this because I wanna do a whole another episode on this, actually, this topic. But I do wanna say, like, there can also be an impact on the relationship that you have with your partner, especially if you've in the survival mode with multiple kids and balancing a bunch of things at the same time. If you are lacking time talking to your partner, connecting with them, it can cause a rift in a relationship.
Heather:It can pop out of nowhere because it's been suppressed for so long, and this can show up in the later toddler years. So, you know, this is a whole separate episode about survival in the hood, relationships, parent guilt, all of that. So navigating emotional needs is also very important thing to look at too. Like, our toddlers are gonna have different emotional needs, partly depending upon, like, their personality, but also, like, where they are in their development and that they both are included. Right?
Heather:Expressing that, what about me? I need the comfort too. And that's where some of that attention seeking behavior can totally be fueled from. So they might get stuck in a cycle, and they might be doing certain behaviors that are accidentally being reinforced by the parents. Like, if they're hitting and parents says, don't hit, don't hit.
Heather:Well, they're getting that don't hit attention, but they're not getting attention other times. So what they're gonna do is they're like, well, you're always paying attention to my brother. You're always paying attention to him. When I hit you do pay attention to me when I hit my sister. So now I'm gonna start hitting more.
Heather:So that is attention seeking behavior. And it's almost like, you know, maybe they're they're testing, acting out, could seem like they're pushing buttons, or they also could be doing it to their sibling too. And so it's important if we get stuck in that cycle to, and I go way more into this in my cohort, in my course, but the, positive behaviors, positive reinforcement, but just saying that is not enough. It's not enough. There's way more that goes into that.
Heather:Okay? Because the other thing is that twins at toddlers close in age, they can mirror their emotions. You know, like, when one upset, the other gets upset. But I've also seen in my twins sometimes it's 1 or the other. Right?
Heather:Like, in 1 it's either 1 or the other and they take turns, so then, like, you never get a break. Even though it's like, okay. I'd rather it not be both, it's like you're not getting that break. Right? Different temperaments, that's the last thing.
Heather:So different personalities, maybe one toddler is more strong willed and maybe, like, one toddler is strong willed ultra, and the other is strong willed medium. Okay? And so you're dealing with a lot of that, but maybe one's more emotional, and another one is more kind of, like, just like needs routine and regimented, and then you're dealing with all these like kind of different things at the same time. And you'll understand, like, especially when you have toddlers close in age that if you were like for me, like, I could describe one of my toddlers as being persistent and and another one being determined. And it means, like, the the words might seem like, okay.
Heather:They're a little similar sounding, but they really, like, match one child better than the other and really do mean 2 different things. And there's, like, a different flavor of strong willed for each child. Right? Every child is so unique and different. Even if they're identical twins, like my boys, they're identical twins, but they're a lot different.
Heather:So that is kind of the dynamic there. You know, one toddler might be wanting to chill while another one has a lot of energy. That can be contagious, or it can upset the other child, and they can also push each other's buttons, know what bothers the other's child is their sibling as well. So these are all just kind of the different, challenges that come up with toddlers competing for attention and kind of that dynamic that they have together. And like I said, I wanna get more into the survival mode and into the relationships and the parent guilt that comes with raising multiple children close in age.
Heather:So thank you for listening and don't forget if you enjoyed this episode or a previous one to write that review, the 5 star review for this podcast, toddler toolkit, and be entered into the 1 year podcast review party giveaway to win some seriously awesome prizes. Alright. I will talk to you later in the next episode. Bye. And that wraps up another episode filled with tools and insights to help your parenting journey have clarity and ease.
Heather:Remember, every child is unique and so is our experience, especially when there's more than one. Keep celebrating those small victories and learning along the way. I'm Heather, your twin mama guide. And until next time, here's to raising skilled, self regulated toddlers who listen, learn, and love. Take care and see you soon.