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Are you ready to take the steps necessary to thrive? Join us every episode as host Adam Gragg discusses what is holding us back and how to move forward with purpose, along the way developing healthy relationships and navigating life transitions while overcoming fear, stress and anxiety. Adam is a family therapist, mental health professional and life coach helping individuals and organizations find the transformational clarity that unleashes hope. Live the life you want, the legacy you decide.
Ep132
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Adam Gragg: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Decide Your Legacy podcast. This is episode 132, and today we're talking about the impact of great questions. I love questions. I'm your host, Adam Gragg, and I'm a coach, a family therapist for over 25 years, a mental health professional for over 25 years, a speaker, a [00:01:00] podcaster. And today, Somebody that's going to ask you and get you thinking about some questions that'll inspire you in your life.
So I love helping people find clarity that transforms their life, inspires them to face their biggest fears and to live their legacy. I talk about stuff that I do struggle with myself. I do not have it all figured out. I am a fellow traveler. I'm inspired as I talk about this stuff as well. I have dealt with An almost lifelong fear of rejection.
I get terrified of putting myself out there still to this day. And that's really the foundation of why I got into coaching and counseling initially is because I wanted to figure my own stuff out. And as I think about my life, there's been Moments where people have asked me questions that have gotten me to think about my life differently.
Family, friends, even strangers. And one of those questions comes in the form of, it's something like, what would you do if you weren't so afraid, Adam? [00:02:00] You know, you seem afraid and scared. What would you do if you weren't? And wow, that has gotten me, that's got me to think about things from a different perspective and helped me to find the energy to move forward.
So I have. Anxiety. I can struggle. I've struggled in my career. I've struggled in a lot of areas of my life. And I bet that some of you struggle with this as well. Being terrified of rejection, putting yourself out there, having this actionable, having the ideas I'm going to share with you today, some things to think about regarding questions going to inspire you.
So, before we jump in though, with this content, let me share something uncomfortable, a risk I've taken recently, a way I've faced my fears in my life, because I believe that's probably the most important thing you can do for your mental health is to not play it safe. So I recently reached out, I had some opportunities to see people.
at a coffee shop, actually, that I know on a couple different occasions. And before I was able to second guess [00:03:00] myself and talk myself out of saying hello and asking some questions, I reached out and I did it and I engaged. And then once I engage oftentimes, I'll try to prove my worth. I'll try to impress.
And I held back in this one engagement. It's one interaction to actually talk about myself until I was asked and I got to know them better and learned about their life. That helps me a lot. So this is a podcast that you do. You don't just listen to it. That means that you take an action, something that makes you uncomfortable as well.
The question I want to have you answer right now is what is a question that has changed your life that somebody has asked you? Maybe it's been a friend, a family member, somebody professionally. What's that question? Do you remember what it was and what insight did that actually give you? So speak it into your phone, write it in your journal.
What's a question that you believe has changed your life and maybe it's been asked multiple times by multiple people like that question that's been asked to me by multiple people that care about me because they sense my fear of rejection and they've asked me [00:04:00] that question.
Some of my friends have just challenged me to do things that are scary at times as well. So there's great benefits to asking questions. I find that giving advice is stressful. You know, when I first became a mental health professional, I had this pressure on myself. I got to give the best advice. I got to make sure it's the right advice for them.
There's so much pressure. They're not going to change unless I'm the expert and give them the right advice and the right things. And I don't think that way anymore, I'm more apt to think of myself as a fellow traveler on this journey. The more life challenges I've had, the more I feel equipped to help other people.
My own life struggles have helped me to have confidence to help other people. I lead these legacy coaching groups now, and they're one of the highlights of the business. I get great joy from connecting with the people in these, in these groups. You know, We meet every other week for a quarter, for a quarter chunk of time.
And I like quarters, 15 minute increments, you know, one quarter of a year, three month increments. And you can check out the last podcast on making every 15 minutes counts for some [00:05:00] inspiration on that topic as well. But I, in these legacy groups, we practice asking curious questions, asking open ended questions and listening.
Rephrasing questions or asking more in depth questions based on the answers that they give, so we dig deeper. And it takes away so much of the stress. So do you see that in your life, where you get anxious because you have to be the expert and you have to have the right, you have this pressure that you put on yourself to give the right information, to ask the question just perfectly, or to actually share your opinion or advice rather than getting curious?
That is going to cause you a great deal of stress, so you learn how to do this. One of the first major benefits from asking great questions and the impact is that it's going to lower your stress level. It's actually going to kill the anxiety that you have in your life because you're becoming more other person focused.
Your own anxiety is going to decrease and their anxiety is going to decrease as well. Because when people know you're zoned in and curious about their life, they're going to feel valued. [00:06:00] They're going to get that sense that you care and their anxiety and their guard is going to drop because they're getting your undivided attention.
It's contagious. I mean, that's a, incredibly powerful tool in building relationships is to be curious about their life. And then they share some information. You don't have an agenda. you're letting go of the outcome, but you're getting more information. So they share one answer and you may be curious about that answer and then curious about what other answers they're going to have.
And one I have found with people when they are. Toxic is they don't want other people to get to know them. And toxic, I use loosely here. I'm not saying they're doing this intentionally, but other people that are so guarded, they're viewing you as somebody who's intruding and they have this self protective mentality.
It's very hard to connect with people that way. I'm not necessarily saying you run from those people, but it is a red flag if somebody can't be open, if they're always defensive, because how far is that going to go? Are they going to see [00:07:00] everything as somebody digging and prodding and trying to get into their life?
And what are they afraid of? You know, why do they have such, maybe they have legitimate reasons for having a very thick wall up because they've been hurt in the past, but why are they treating you that way even when they don't actually know you? I like to say that somebody you know is healthy when they give everybody a fair shot, those curious people in your life.
So for you, think about this. If I know I was talking to my friend who's a therapist, I had him on the show. Actually, he was on an episode about relationship building activities, Brent, and we had coffee yesterday and we were talking about a specific situation where he had a client who really wanted to reach a goal in his life.
And he wants to grow professionally. And he knows some calls that he could actually make to reach out to friends that could help him in the process here. But he keeps procrastinating on those calls. And Brent was describing it as like, This phone for his client weighs a thousand pounds. It weighs a thousand pounds.
It's so hard to pick that thing up. So the guy, and I [00:08:00] don't know who came up with this metaphor, but I really like it because picking that phone up, it's like, you, you need a crane to get that phone to your ear and make that phone call. And that's how it can feel sometimes when we're anxious and scared, but it'll shift the moment you say, I'm learning about somebody else.
People are interested in other people learning about them. Some of the best career advice I give to people that I love giving is when, when you're interested in knowing about somebody else's career and you want to network, be curious. You can ask people to learn about their career, not to ask for a job, but just to learn about what they do in their job.
It's a very indirect, casual way of getting to know how other people function in their job. Most people, you're going to have a receptive party when you're interested in their career and just want to ask them questions and take them out for a cup of coffee.
When family, just change your focus to curiosity. I want to show you a link to a podcast, actually an article as well on 47 great questions to ask people to get to know them better. I love these [00:09:00] questions because if I'm going to have a 15 minute phone call with someone in my family or a friend, I might just look at this list of questions and it gives me some inspiration of something I'm curious to learn about them.
I've made this list probably a year ago, and I've had so much fun asking these questions to my parents and my friends and family, even though I'm a professional when it comes to asking questions. You know, I mean, I'm a dangerous professional. I'm not really great at this cause I have my own anxiety. I want to give advice when I'm anxious, not ask questions cause it requires me to let go of the outcome.
I don't have any control when I do that, but I get to let go of the stress. It kills my anxiety and it makes things a lot more fun. So another question I love asking people to be curious, which is a real cool thing too, is, what Big change. What's one change could you make in your life that would make the biggest difference?
That's one little fun tidbit of information you can tuck away as well. A great question. So another reason that you want to ask great questions is that it [00:10:00] provides transformational clarity when you ask them and when you answer them especially. There's these moments that you get this insight into your life.
That's propelled through answering great questions. That's why I know people that love to journal and they get inspired through journaling because they're asking themselves questions about their day. Sometimes they're asking or answering journaling prompts and listing some thoughts and it. Provides them insight into themselves.
You get this insight into yourself and insight propels you towards wanting to change. That's an amazing thing. When you actually see that I want to change in my life because I'm asking other people questions and they're giving me inspiring answers and people are asking me questions as well.
One of the things that I love and find the most energy is creating worksheets for my clients to complete resources for them, to guide them through which they can answer, and it provides them this transformation because they're having to fill out this [00:11:00] content and give their own answers. I love, love, love that.
I mean, that's one of the big parts of Shatterproof Yourself. The full course that I've been producing and selling right now is it has all these worksheets that I've been using for 20 plus years and we've been working our butts off making these things, refining them, actually Freshening them up.
Although I've been using them for so long, I'm still refining them and putting them in a more user friendly format for this online course. I love it. I'm so inspired by it because I get to see people make changes as they get the insight after filling out in content, asking themselves great questions.
They have these moments that will transform and really make their lives amazing in the process. So getting people to think, great questions get people to think. One of my favorites as well, asking clients to create an ideal work day and use 15 in 15 minute chunks of time. When do you get up? When do you go to bed?
What do you do with all the time in between? Make it ideal. Make it fun. Love to ask clients what energizes them in their career and how can we make that more a part of their daily job [00:12:00] and daily. Interactions with people professionally and how can they delegate the stuff that is so irritating and demotivating and draining or learn how to do it better or find another person to inspire them, get them on their team, get another person who does it better on their team.
Clarifying questions will change your life. Ask them and then ask them of yourself as well. That's a cool part. It's a huge benefit, is if you ask great questions of other people, you're going to be answering those internally yourself. You won't be able to resist. And the brain's an amazing thing.
When you get asked a question, you don't relent. You've given it everything. A prompt, and now it's going to fill in, fill in the missing information and it's going to surprise you because you don't know yourself as well as you think you do. I promise you that. I don't know myself at age 50 as well as I think I do at times.
I surprise myself. That's why we learn from other people. So, We get transformed in our relationships. We transform our relationships through great questions. What a fun thing. This is [00:13:00] one reason I love road trips because it provides so much time for that casual light interaction. It's one reason I love traveling because you don't have the distractions of the day to day and you get to connect with people and ask those questions that you wouldn't have asked had you not had that downtime.
I love it, love it, love it. So if you found this podcast helpful so far, and you want to learn and get some inspiration on how to ask more deeper, more fulfilling, inspiring questions, you want to check out Shatterproof Yourself Light. ~This is seven small steps to a giant leap in your mental health. 25 years of information that I've gleaned working with thousands of clients.~
~It's free and you get a workbook. You get a worksheet. You get a free bonus video on the app on iOS. Check it out. It's a daily action worksheet. You can implement this stuff starting today. ~The third impact of asking great questions is that questions connect people, connect you to other people like great art, like creativity.
You get drawn in towards other people by the way they answer questions. You connect better with yourself, which is a relationship, getting to know yourself. You connect In a way where the pressure is taken off. You find commonality, you [00:14:00] laugh, you grow, interactions happen. You're not telling somebody what to do.
You're not giving advice. You're letting them answer their own questions and you're getting inspired in the process. You're finding. That as you ask questions, it connects you because you go to a deeper level. You're not asking a great question unless you're genuinely curious about the answer. When you are finding out information about somebody else that you think you know and you realize you don't really know them, it's going to connect you to them in a deeper level.
And then it may inspire other questions that you want to ask. And I know some of you listening are saying, well, that's terrifying to me. I don't want someone to know me. Well, that's a problem. You're protecting yourself for some reason and you don't want everybody to know you, but there are good people who are worthy of being known and who you are worthy of being known by.
And they're probably frustrated because you're guarded. You're not going to change unless you build these deeper connections. Life is meaningless without relationships that are thriving and growing each and [00:15:00] every day. Stop protecting yourself and get to know people at a deeper level.
If you're willing to be connected to by other people, then they're going to have to have your permission to grow closer to you, and you're going to have to be willing to decide, I'm going to answer their questions. And I'm going to do it in a way that's not going to be pushing them away. I'm going to be open to it, not just rushing through it.
So the one year question, I'm giving you some of my favorite questions. Favorites here, but this is a question that I found incredibly helpful as just kind of a how to tip here is if somebody's making progress, and I can take really any period of people's time. So I do this in legacy group, and I've asked this question many times.
People commit to three months and they have one big goal over that three month period. And the question is, at the end of three months, if you've made significant progress in your life, what three things would have changed or been true about your life over that period of time for you to make this [00:16:00] significant amount of progress.
And so they have this one goal for you to make this significant progress on that goal, if it's a health goal, relationship goal, we have all of them. We had eight people, eight participants in the group, plus two facilitators, myself and Mr. Lloyd Lutes. Right now we're doing one legacy group, one special one.
I facilitate it right now and eventually it's going to be facilitated by other people and I'll be involved in the process, but not necessarily as directly in this, initial program where people first get involved in group coaching, what are the things that would be true that would say to you that you're making progress in that area?
And then I find, again, if you ask yourself a question, they're going to have some things that come up. They would be going and interacting with people. They'd be more confident. They'd say yes to opportunities socially. They'd stop turning people down. They'd work on their presentation skills. Maybe they would find somebody in their life that can become a true friend and take risks to build that relationship.
They know it. People know the answers to these questions. Saying, I don't know, is [00:17:00] not something that I tolerate. I have this phrase around the office, I have a lot of different phrases around the office, like make it a seven, you know, that's one of the key ones, seven different life areas, one of the key ones, transformational clarity, all these different sayings, and one of the sayings that I have often is, I don't know is not acceptable.
I don't know is not an acceptable answer. I'll find out. I don't want to know is an acceptable answer. I don't know is not an acceptable answer for people. I challenge clients not to give me that answer right there. So think about this. When you ask great questions, there's some tremendous results that will happen.
Anxiety decreases as you ask more and more great questions. Curiosity increases. Curiosity kills anxiety. It takes the focus off of you and on other people, takes the focus off of your problems where anxiety is fed, and your obstacles where anxiety is fed, the worst outcome, all of that, and it puts it on the solution.
It puts it on other people and ways to grow. Another crucial thing is [00:18:00] transformational clarity comes out of this. You start transforming with great questions. Other people do, and you will as well. And another final benefit is that the whole thing will connect you with other people and build deeper, better, healthier relationships.
Very exciting thing. So again, if you have found this helpful, hit the link to Shatterproof Yourself, share that link with a friend, share this podcast with your team, share Shatterproof Yourself Lite with your team and go through it with your team. You'll get great content on seven different giant, small, but big type steps to improve your mental health, to take a big leap in your mental health.
I'm going to sign off the way I always do. Remember that insight is 20 percent of change. Action is 80%. An okay plan that you act on is a thousand times better than a great plan that you sit on and do nothing with. What idea resonates with you from today? By the end of the day, apply it, take action, and teach it to somebody else if you really [00:19:00] want it to stick.
Make it your mission to live the life now that you want to be remembered for 10 years after you're gone. You decide your legacy, nobody else. I appreciate you greatly and I'll see you next time.