Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
The hardest part of achieving a goal is starting. Being sendy means making courageous decisions to try something before you have all of the answers. This podcast will remind you of the remarkable life you are living and will give you new ideas to make your life more meaningful and exciting and give you courage to accomplish your goals by stopping the negative voices in your head and just sending it!
Becky Brouwer (00:00)
This episode is dedicated to my very good friend, Miriam Wood, who passed away on December 10th, 2024. We love you, Miriam. Go back and listen to her episode, Radical Acceptance, which is my very first episode of the Sendy Mom podcast.
Becky Brouwer (00:19)
as a mom, one of the most important things I've tried to instill in my kids is a work ethic.
I feel like we are here to learn and grow.
welcome to the Sendy Mom podcast. I'm here with my good friend,
And we have been friends for, I don't know, how long have you been here? 10 years? 10 years. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And we've been back for about 10 years. So yeah, you came back right after we moved into the neighborhood. Very good. Yeah. And I am super excited to
talk to her. I want you to first go ahead and introduce yourself Yeah, so I
grew up in Sandy, Utah, so native to Utah, grew up there. And I was talking with my husband this morning about it, because I'm like, what makes me a Sendy mom? Like, what, what does that mean? And I said, you know, because you start wondering, you don't really actually reflect on that until.
You have to pause and think about it for a minute. And it was interesting that he told me, he's like, well, it started when you were little. mean, think about it. your dad. So my dad does, growing up, he had his own drywall company. And so I would go with my dad to work and I learned how to spot screws and do all of that. So I was in the construction industry all growing up and he had a lot of employees and I learned how to interact.
with them. Sometimes I feel like I connect better with those people than I do with like girlfriends. Yes. Okay. Yes. Yeah. No, I can totally see that. Yeah. If you kind of grew up in that adult environment when you were a young child, like how old were you when you started doing something like that? when I was young, they didn't have all the OSHA rules. Right. So I was out there.
And at the time he was doing high school work and churches. And so I was out there, five or six years old. I would travel with them. We would stay in a trailer. really? Okay. like first for real, like on the job, on the site all the time. Were the rest your siblings? Did they do that too? And your parent, like your mom and everything? So you guys would all just travel? We would all just travel during the summer.
And then during school year, we were home and it would just be my dad traveling. Okay. Yeah. What were some of your responsibilities? I would spot screws. I seriously, that was mine. I am such a drywall spotter. What does that mean? I don't even know what that means. To spot screws. So when your drywall is hung on your wall, they screw it in. Okay. And then I would follow behind with the mud. And I would put the mud on the screw to hide it.
I see. Okay. So yeah, most people don't realize that there's hundreds of screws in their walls. Okay. You don't see that. Yeah, that's right. Because you're such a screw spotter. Yes. Covering up. Okay. But you know, and it's funny because when I first started, my dad would always say, are you playing or are you working? Because I'd be covered in it. Yeah, right.
Yeah, so, but yeah, I mean, to really learn those kinds of skills when you're young, we have to like trust our children, right? That they are able to do it and they're not always going to do it exactly the way that we would do it. But you have to have that progression. And if you start learning those things younger, you're just going to get better as you get as you grow. Right. Has DJ done some of that with your kids? Has he taken them out to different places? He has.
Okay. Yes. It's been really fun though because my husband's very hands-on. He loves to build things. We have several unfinished projects that we will always have because he loves to be busy. Like working with his hands. Yes. And so in doing so, we have always included our kids or
involved them. my kids have Tanner has actually got when we did our edition, Tanner was out there hanging drywall with DJ like lifting those boards and those boards can be heavy. right. So yeah, but we can but they can do it. we just have to give them the opportunity and in a safe environment where there's somebody that's kind of watching them and teaching them how to do it properly. But but if we don't give them the opportunity, then they're not going to ever
grow no, no. Yeah. And that's been one of my, as a mom, one of the most important things I've tried to instill in my kids is a work ethic. Yeah. Okay. And when we first moved in, we tore our yard out. I mean, we really have redone everything. Yeah. we could have paid to have our front yard landscaped. Yeah. But we chose to teach our kids how to get out there and work.
Okay. Yeah. And they would be so upset because, why do I have to move rock? Why do I, you know, why do I have to mow? And it took years and fights. Obviously you'd fight with your kids. Right. And I'm like, cause they would want to hang out with their friends. Like your friends are welcome to help you. Right. You need to get this done. This is a job. This is part of being a part of the family. Right. And it wasn't until my son and his wife,
They got their own place back in March and spring rolled around and they have one of his friends living in their basement, renting with them. And it was time to do yard work and his roommate just wasn't helping, wasn't doing anything. And he texts my husband, he's like, you know?
Thank you for teaching me how to work. You're like, yes. Yes, was the best. DJ forwarded texted me and he's like, finally. We get some payback. I remember actually, Ethan was he was working at Arctic Circle and nobody wanted to clean the bathrooms. And I remember him texting me and saying,
Mom, thank you for teaching me how to clean a bathroom because it's really not that hard and everybody complains and nobody knows how to do it right. I just go in there and just go do it. I'm like, yes. See, that is so great. And as we're going through those moments with our kids, we're like, why do we bother? Because we could do it faster. We could do it quicker. wouldn't have better arguments. We could do better. Yes, for sure. But that's not what life really is about. No, I feel like we are here to learn and grow. Absolutely. Yeah, we well.
And I think that we need to teach our children to do hard things. And that's really what being Sendy is about. You want your children to take risks and to try new things. And if they're continually told that, no, no, that this is when you're older, you can do this, or you're not strong enough, or you're not fit enough, or whatever to be able to do this, then they...
they don't trust themselves to be able to take those kinds of risks. And so we need to model it first of all, but then we also need to push them to do a few things. yeah. I would agree with that. And I was thinking as you were saying that we had on the back of our garage doors, they would walk out growing up. We always had dry erase markers where we would write notes on the doors for them. That's cute. And that's one of the sayings my husband would quote.
Yoda and I'm not going to quote it because I'm going to get it totally wrong, but it's something like the try do or do not try.
So that's just kind of how we've taught our kids is it's okay to make mistakes as long as you learn from it and grow. It's when you stop trying. Yeah.
you had a whiteboard that you would write things on and tell me what we actually still have this big whiteboard by our garage that goes out and my nieces and nephews will come over and write messages or quote things. And it's been an
fun way to connect with my kids, with their friends, because their friends would write on it. But that is one thing that my husband would actually write on our garage door, not on the whiteboards, on the door. He would write, do or do not, there is no try. Yes, exactly. So you have to just do it. Yes. Right. And go for it. Well, that's awesome. Really good.
Okay, so tell me a little bit more about your family of origin that you came from, like siblings and parents and other kinds of things that you did as a family. So I am the second of four children. I have an older sister and two younger brothers.
Goodness, we growing up, thought, I honestly thought I came from the most wealthiest family ever because we spent so much time together. A lot of camping trips, we had three wheelers. So we did a lot of three wheeling and boating and just all of, just fun.
I love that you said that you felt like you were from the wealthiest family ever because what is wealth really? Yeah. You know, and it wasn't, it's not until recently that I truly am having open conversations with my mom and dad and how they're opening up about the eighties and how in the eighties construction just hit an all time low and the economy during that time was.
struggling and as a business owner, my dad was having a tough time getting people to pay him and he still had to pay his workers. so as they were telling me and talking through all of the sacrifices that they made while we were little, I had no idea. Wow. No idea. Because they just, made it a family that spent
time together and that's where the wealth came from. It was from the time that you were able to spend together. So have you been able to take some of that from into your own family? Do you feel like you spend a lot of time together? What are some of the things that you like to do with your family? So some of the things that we like to do together.
DJ and my kids love movies. They can watch a movie once and quote the movie, the entire movie basically. They love it. I'm not good with that. I have to watch it 50 times and then I still struggle. My family is the same way. I'm not really like that, but my family of origin really loves movies. And so they'll have whole conversations where they're going back and forth, which is quotes from movies.
Okay, I'm just not following this, but yes. is our at our house. That's how all conversations go. Basically, if they don't know how to answer, they're going to answer with a a quote. I that. That's good. So we do that. We like to go camping as well. We carried that on when DJ and I got married. He grew up, their camping was in a hotel. Okay. And my camping was in a trailer or a motor home. And so
I was lucky that I married someone who enjoys the outdoors. Yeah. Because that's become our family tradition. Where you like to we like You guys have a huge RV too. We do. Do you use it quite often? You know, this year we have not had a chance to use it as much. I think we've only used it once. Okay. And that was really fun. We actually took the Stevens up to Colorado.
Sicily soccer tournaments. that's really cool. That was really fun. that was really fun. But DJ and I both at our kids are all grown and married. we're both at the prime of our careers. Okay. And we realized this year we're like, it's a great it's like a yeah, maybe there's like a transition time, you know, because we we used to camp quite a bit too. And we're kind of getting to the
the point where our kids are getting a little bit older, they want to go camping with their friends, they don't want to go camping with mom and dad so much anymore, which is fine. They need to get to that point where they transition. And we've just decided we kind of like camping at hotels too. I'm kind of leaning more towards that just because it's easy to get up and go. Right. So we haven't done it, but it was interesting. I was having a conversation with my daughter and her husband the other night and I said, okay,
now that my kids are gone and and really you have to transition into that next what traditions are we going to have going forward? Right. And so we were having a discussion what traditions would you like to have with your children? Is there when you have children? Right. And is there anything we can start now? Yeah. So what did you think of? And so it was interesting listening to her talk about how
she really misses the camping trips. Really? Yeah. Okay. So she wants to kind of continue that with her family. Which was interesting because we've taken her on cruises. We've taken her, you know, we've flown her all these different places, but it's camping she wants to do. she really would like to do. I thought that was interesting. Yeah. Yeah. That is, that's really cool. Well, good. mean, kids' traditions are kind of what holds families together. That's, it's a little bit of the glue. And so
I think they're important to have, you know, like big trips are important, you know, but also just the everyday things like having movie quotes to be able to answer questions and then just to be able to have those memories that are kind of spurred back. Yeah, it's really fun. Yeah. Well, I want you to think back to like maybe high school were there anything things in high school that you did?
you know, sports or music or student government or anything like that that you did that you felt like, or were you more academic? What, what was kind of your high school experience? that's a unique question and I probably have a unique answer for it. In high school, I never really had a group of friends. I always, I've always kind of just done my own thing and tried.
My parents were really supportive. If I wanted to try something, they're like, do it. So my sophomore year, I said, okay, I want to play soccer. So I went and tried out for the girls soccer team, made it. We took state that year. It was really fun. So I played soccer through high school, but then businesses come natural to me. So in high school, I took a lot of business classes and I would compete. I was one of those nerds that would compete in.
like, did you do DECA? DECA, Yeah. Yeah. So I actually went on to state, one state, went to nationals, that. That's pretty cool. So yeah, it was really fun. But I never had that exclusive group. I was really just friends with everyone. In fact, my junior year, junior prom. I don't know how they do it now, but the ballots came out. I don't know if they vote for the prom.
King and Queen. Queen, royalty or whatever. But those ballots came out and my name was on there and I was like, what in the world? How people even know me? Yeah, I did not even know that people, yeah. How big of a high school were you in? So I went to Jordan High School and our graduating class was, I mean it was small, our graduating class was 500 people. Okay. So it was really small. That's not.
too small. I think my graduating class was like 350 or something like that. So yeah, in Idaho. So yeah, okay. That's pretty incredible, though. So so you clearly felt pretty self confident. When you were even in high school, you felt like, you know, I can be on my own. I can be with people. I don't really Yeah, either way. That's, that's really cool. And you've kind of kept kept that I mean, you always seem pretty sure of yourself in most situations. So
Yeah, we joke because my husband is a people person. He loves to be around people. That's how he gets his energy. He's more of an extrovert. I have to fill my cup. I need alone time. Yeah, it's really funny. Yeah, that's kind of how I am too. Just leave me alone for a minute. just need to process through all of this. But it sounds like you knew that kind of at a young age.
I don't think I knew it. I think it was just natural for me. Right. But you weren't bothered by it. No, I was not bothered by it. Yeah, you were okay wasn't until I was older where I realized that's what I needed to That's part of my personality. that's just right. I think that that's a really important thing to help your children to understand is like, there's no problem with who you are, but it's good to understand.
who you are because it helps you to interact with other people. You know, like the introvert and extrovert kind of thing to try to say like, hey, you're an introvert and so take your alone time and that's okay. And then, but let's try to push you to do a few things with other people, but understand this about yourself and that's okay. Do you think there's anything that your parents did deliberately to help you to gain that kind of self-confidence? I would say probably it comes down to them.
just pushing me to not be idle. Okay. Yeah. We did not. And again, we didn't have TV, television growing up. We just didn't have that. And so I think that played into it where you had to be very creative. creative. Yes. Come up with ideas. Yes. And I remember being little and always being told I was so creative. I'm like, I'm not creative.
But what kinds of things did you do that were creative? when my kids were little and when I'm with my nieces and nephews, I love to create stories. So I took them in bed and we would create this long story and we would go wherever the story told us. OK, in fact, I still do it with my team at work when they say, let's go to lunch. So I'll drive and they.
they'll say, where are we going? And if nobody knows, I'll come up to a light. And I did this with my kids all growing up. We would just explore right or left. They would choose. So that's super Sendy. That's awesome. Yeah. So I've always just done that. And we just go wherever. Isn't that the most fun? Yes. Just to be spontaneous and just.
like end up somewhere in the middle of wherever. Well, it's fun because you start looking and noticing things that you don't normally. Yeah. Notice. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah. Yeah. So cool. Yeah. Well, and I know that you're super creative with puzzles too. You do like special kinds of puzzles, right? Well, I do puzzles, but I also do ceramics. Ceramics. Okay. But no, but they were like little jewel. The diamond ones. Yeah. Yeah. So I started doing those.
And I enjoyed it. loved I still love it. So kind of to tell you the story of where I am now because really is a sandy mom you go through different yeah stages. Yes, not even stages, but different things that you're sending you're like, I'm gonna try this I'm done with that. Let's this. Yeah, right moving through. Yeah, right and
The last few years, this year has been a calm year. For the last few years were kind of rocky for us at home. Okay. And I would go back to, I would need a place to escape. Yeah. And so one of the things I loved when I was in elementary school was Mr. Smith, my fifth grade teacher, which DJ thinks is crazy. I can tell you every teacher I had their name. That's pretty good. And so, he had a kiln in his
Classroom or okay. they had a really each teacher had a really big walk-in cool work room Yeah, so he kept a kiln back there and every Wednesday He would open it up to students to come after school and fifth grade in fifth grade. That's pretty cool So it was like a fifth grade after school activity. What a cool teacher. He was yeah, who does that now? Nobody does yeah, nobody does uh-huh and so
But it was also a great and his philosophy was if there's a place for the kids to go, they're not getting in trouble. Yeah. And they have something constructive to do, something creative to do. that. But it wasn't a force kind of a thing. was just whoever wanted to come. How many kids would show up? We would have 10 to 15. That's pretty amazing. And did they charge something for it or? No, he didn't.
never charged, which I look back now and I'm thinking so that it was all out of his own pocket. He would purchase the clay and the molds and all of that. That's amazing. Yeah.
his approach was just be creative, what comes to mind. Okay, yeah. So that really inspired your creativity and what an important time of life to be doing that. Kids need to have something that they feel like they're good at, something that they can express. Well, and it's funny because I thought I was so good at painting and I still have one of the dolls I painted back then. we've recently
Refinished our basement. We have an art studio down in there now. fun. And I had I placed that doll It's the ugliest thing I look at it. I'm like, what was I thinking? But I also look at how far I've come I'm like you have to start somewhere yeah, and that's the thing is like you have to be bad at something before you can be good at it Yes, you just have to try
make a go of it and you're going to be bad at it and then it just gets better. You just have to do it a lot. Yes, that's the tough part because you just do it. If you keep doing it badly for a really long time, you just feel bad. Yeah, yeah. You don't want to be there. Yeah, exactly. But the more you do it, the better
So that's what Sendy is about right? Yes trying new things Yeah internally with your kids with other people. Yeah, so a few years and I and I really I really believe
but...
God guides and directs me. Like I believe people are in our life at a certain time for a certain reason. And then also if we pay attention to promptings or that we're led or guided to something. And you never know. And DJ, I seriously have the best husband because he was out of town working. I was looking on Facebook, I was reminiscing about my childhood. when Ceterra I want to say when she was
probably 12. She wanted to do ceramics for birthday party. So we took her to one of the local ceramic places. Color Me Mine And we did it, but it was so expensive. It was really fun, but I was thinking, and we only had maybe five girls, but by the time you pay for all of that. It's expensive. It's expensive. So I was thinking about that and I thought, how sad is it that you have to pay
for experiences that create relationships. I'm a huge relationship person. And so I was looking through Facebook Marketplace. Yeah. Okay. I saw a business closing and liquidating. The owners were getting divorced. Okay. And they needed to liquidate as part of the settlement. Okay. So I went and bought it. The business? I bought the business. Really? Didn't even talk to my husband about it.
Okay. Didn't even tell him about it. Whoa, that's really Sendy Yeah. Way to go. So he's out of town working. I call my mom and dad and my brothers and Tanner, my son, my nephew. said, Hey guys, I need help. I have to go pick this stuff up. I got it for a great deal, but I have to pick it up by tomorrow afternoon. Okay. And it took, I would say there was probably five truckloads.
of molds killed. were you were you actively looking for this? No, it was just one of them. just came up. Yeah, it was just one of those. And had you been doing ceramics? I haven't done it for years. Okay. Wow. For years. That's amazing. Okay, so tell me. So we went and picked everything up, moved it to my garage. It's all in the garage. And it really was a lot. I probably had. I would say we picked up easily maybe eight to 900 molds.
my goodness. Okay, so what was this business? it for people to come color me mine? I'm not sure. I didn't buy the whole business. just bought the materials. Okay, got it. The 800 or 900 molds. That's amazing. A For dolls or for... There weren't really any dolls in there. Most of them are... There's a lot of religious things in the pieces.
There's a lot of gnomes, lot of just garden, you see all the garden statues, a lot of that. Halloween, Christmas, just different fun pieces. So DJ came home from his work and he opened the garage and I didn't say anything, but I met him there because I wanted to see his reaction. And he opened the garage and saw it.
And his reaction was, what the hell? Okay, okay. me explain. It was too late. The deed was done. So, so he helped me organize and all of them and really, and get them on shelves, you know, cataloged. And we started pouring. He'd never poured from slip to.
making greenware. Putting it in the kiln and firing it and everything. Okay. So you kind of did it together. We really have done the whole thing together. It's been kind of fun. Yeah. And then we, since then we actually bought another business. And this one had probably close to 3000 molds. Wow. So do you want to make a business out of this? Well, yes and no. So yes.
in the sense that I want to make a business just to replenish my hobby. Yes. Yeah. make enough money so that you can for your habit. ceramics is a dying art. It is a dying art and it has brought since I've opened my studio, I've had neighbor kids come over and sit and paint and I've had
my nieces and nephews will come. And it's amazing how as you're sitting there doing something, conversations that take place. It's true. Yeah. Because when you're doing these, I find that too, when I go out for a walk with somebody, I can talk a lot easier a lot of times than like this, know, just one on one. Or if there's a there's a purpose for it, like these conversations have been so good because we have a purpose. I don't know that I would do this if I wasn't doing them.
podcast, you know what I mean? absolutely. So yeah, exactly. And so I see that that, you know, you create an environment where those relationships can be formed. And when you are an introvert, then it's you still crave those relationships. It's not because it's not that you don't ever want to be around people. But the more intimate relationships, I think is what you really crave. And you can get those through activities like, yes, ceramics. So
That is really cool. Yeah, I didn't know that. So you started that. So I understand feeling uncomfortable because in doing so when I started getting back into it, I found this artist. She lived in Idaho at the time, Malene, and she had her she started showing and teaching techniques on Facebook. OK, so I was following her. was taking her classes. I was one of her first students that when she started.
doing it virtual. Okay. And so it's been three years and it's been a fun journey. But she said as we've worked close together, there's not a lot of mold manufacturers anymore. Okay. Because it's such a dying art. Right. Yeah. And so, and also I've also learned in, as I gone down this path that
And up until now, those who poured ceramics, it was a tight knit. They had to sign non-disclosures with these manufacturers that they wouldn't share their mold. Very competitive. Very competitive. Very, very competitive. Well, see that puts you in a great position because you're not doing it necessarily because you want to make lots of money. Right. So then you can really collaborate with people and try to make it a better...
So that's what Mulane actually challenged me to do is to start doing videos and showing the process. Yeah. And so I'm doing it and it is so uncomfortable. am. It's out of my comfort zone. I hate being in front of like a camera. A camera. Yeah. I hate. then this is great for you then. Good practice. It is. Well, I'm learning how to work it all yourself too. Yes. Because
There's a, yeah, no, there's definitely a learning curve. Yes. I can help you. You'll have to help me because I am total newbie, total newbie. But it's been fun because as I've made it and I've shown in the process for just recently for Halloween, I did a big haunted house. mean, this was a big haunted house. took DJ and I both to lift it when it was full of, because I don't know.
if you know the process of it. But you have molds and then you take, it's called slip, but it's just liquid mud, clay, and you fill it up and then over 10 minutes, 15 minutes, however long you want that wall, then you dump it out. So it's hollow. So it's hollow, right. But it's not hollow while it's curing. And so this mold, because it is so big, it literally takes...
And I know we've had feedback saying, you need to get this tool to help you tilt it or lift it. It's like, okay, thanks. I didn't know that. I didn't know there was one. So you posted this and then people gave you some start giving you tips and tricks and then others would be, I had no idea what went into that. Because it's actually really time consuming. Yeah. I can imagine. That's incredible. And I never appreciated it.
That's interesting because like when you were a child, you worked with mud and now you're working with mud again. I never thought of that. Yeah. It's like this theme, this recurring theme in your life. I never even thought of that. So yeah, it is, but it's been really fun. That's really cool. It's something you can do with your family too. which is, know, and with neighbor kids and whatever, give people an opportunity to explore something else. I mean, that's part of the reason why.
I love teaching adult women piano because I feel like it gives them an opportunity to grow and to do something different, you know, and to give them something to improve on because we all want to do that. Have something to do.
Becky Brouwer (33:13)
So we're about halfway through the podcast and I want to remind you that this podcast is also on our YouTube channel @SendyMom You can find our website at sendymom.com and on Instagram at sendy.mom. You can subscribe, review and share this episode with people you think might need this message. Next week, I'm gonna be talking with my sister, Emily McKinney. This is such a great interview.
I finished it and was so happy the whole day. I love my sister a ton. She's smart, funny, sassy, courageous, and she is a big personality. We talk about our family energy and tools she's learned to control her energy and use it more as a superpower. She started her own new movement called Theater Fitness. She has been inspirational to kids who generally don't like to work out.
I see the love that she has for these kids and how hard she works at helping kids become confident on stage. You can find her at inmotion-studios.com. So look her up. The Sendy Spotlight this week is on Maria Montessori. Lani has been teaching us about how to help your kids become more independent, creative, and to learn through hands-on activities.
And so I thought Maria Montessori might make a really great sendy mom to spotlight. Be sure to tune into that episode next Tuesday.
Becky Brouwer (34:42)
So let's go back to your like your current family and everything. You don't have to talk anything about the adoptions if you don't want to. No, I'm actually really open about
And the reason we're open about our journey that we've gone through is we really didn't have anyone to lean on during that time. Yeah. And it would be nice to know. And it would be nice to know that we felt so alone. We felt who do we turn to?
And because a lot of times when people go through things as traumatic as we did, they don't talk about it. Because there is a point of shame. know, people don't, and it's human nature and I get it, they don't know what goes on inside your home. And so they only see outside. And...
It's important to, so that people can relate and so that somebody knows where to go to get information. It's important to just be real. Be real about what's going on. So, yeah, so how did you decide, so you adopted, well, did you adopt both of them? We did, we adopted both. Two kids after being fostered, correct or? Well, we.
Yes, but no. What made you decide to even... So what made us decide, we had Tanner and Ceterra and there's five years between the two of them. So there's this good span between just the two. And that's because I lost a couple in between. Which is its own... Yes. Conversation. My cousin, she... Gosh.
Kenyon was maybe, I want to say probably six weeks old. And Mina was three maybe, but she, my cousin got involved with the wrong crowd and she dropped her kids off one day at my house to watch and never came back. What? Yeah, yeah. It was crazy. And so we took care of these two and Kenyon was such a baby.
And, and he was a drug baby. And so if anyone has ever worked or with newborns as they come off and detox, I mean, it's a struggle. can imagine. Like, what did you do when she didn't come back to you're trying to call? She doesn't answer the phone or what? did that, or did you just know it was, just kind of knew we, she was dropping him off.
It was when she dropped him off. was like, okay, we'll see when she comes back. So we never really made a phone call. Okay. say, when are you coming? Okay. And honestly, DJ and I and the kids, it worked. And you knew it was going to be better for these kids. And was better for them. Okay. We could take them. could do, I mean, we could do it. Well, we started going down the path of becoming their legal guardians. Okay. And we were close. had,
You know, we'd gone through the whole process and we were getting ready to have our final, I want to say hearing, but meet with the judge. Yeah. And my aunt and uncle got wind of this and my cousin, so they didn't know. Okay. And we weren't trying to make it difficult. were just trying to do what was best for the kids. we couldn't take them to a doctor because we weren't their legal guardian. Got it. Yeah.
Yeah, so there were there were certain roadblocks we had right without having that legal guardian. Okay, so they came back when they they found that out and took them and it was so devastating. Yeah, how long did you have them? We had them probably for six months. Really? Yeah. Six week old baby that you'd taken through. So we had them for quite a while. And
How are they doing now? So my aunt and uncle ended up becoming their legal guardians and raising them. But when they left, we all just felt like an emptiness. There was a true emptiness in our home. so DJ and I talked about adoption and we'd actually gone down the road of adopting a newborn baby.
I just had this prompting DJ and I did. We were looking, I don't even remember how it came up, but foster care. I was like, well, maybe we can help here. And we talked with Tanner and Ceterra and they're like, yeah, let's do it. So I always remind them that they were part of the decision. That they helped. Yeah. Of course, a knowing really, you you don't know until it gets there. don't know.
So we went through all of the classes, became licensed foster parents. within the first week of having our license, the state called and said, we have this sibling group too, that we need a place for. we read through their file of what they shared with us. They didn't share everything with us. We learned.
After the fact. Yeah. So the state or the or the parents? The state. Okay. The state didn't share. And we said, yeah, we'll take them. Well, two months into it, the judge terminated the parental rights. And so now they were open for adoption. Wow. And you had had them the whole time? Yeah, it was only two months. Okay.
they had been in foster care at that point for a year. And how old were they? So Dayja was seven because she was removed when she was six. Okay. And Jace was nine. Okay.
That's a hard time to be like that's a long time for them to be in some sort of a system or had they been in the foster care system or had they been with their mother? No, they had been in foster care. So they'd gone through three families. Okay. And they really connected with the family before us, but the dad was diagnosed with cancer. couldn't keep them. couldn't, no. And he, and it was a terminal diagnosis. Okay.
So, when we agreed to take them as foster kids, we picked them up from the Christmas box house. And so walking into the Christmas box and it was Easter weekend and we were headed out of town with our trailer. And we, drove down into Salt Lake, stopped at the Christmas box house, picked them up and headed north.
With them. With them. Okay. Yeah. So the very first weekend we wanted to be, that's actually kind of a good idea to like, did it go well? Like very well. Yeah. Cause it's a different environment. So you don't take them home and all of a sudden they're part of this family. It's like, let's connect as a family first and then we'll get together. I like that. So we took them out and it was great. We went all.
my siblings and my parents went. It was a big, you know, Easter weekend camping. And it was, it was so much fun. So many memories. look back at those pictures and you've got these two beautiful children that are just fitting in so well with cousins. And then the honeymoon stage wore off that nobody told me about.
We had him for six months. Mom's rights had been terminated for four. we were in and out of therapy with them, lots of therapy with them, with our own kids. A lot of behavioral. Jace, at nine years old, by the time he got to fourth grade,
What are you 11 in fourth grade? Yeah, like 10, 11. He'd been suspended several times. I he was spitting on his teacher. was just could not control himself. Yeah. Just, just really impulsive. Very impulsive. Okay. And, and we learned after that they both had reactive attachment disorder. Okay. And which explained to me what that is exactly. So they can connect and attach to
strangers but they can't connect or attach to to the people that are close to him interesting okay yeah which makes sense with Dayja they disconnect from and and they attach to dangerous people because yeah interesting why do you think that is why do think that they i don't know
Do they feel safer with dangerous people? That's what we've been told is their lifestyle, which I understand because...
when you get used to or accustomed to something, that's your norm. That's what's normal to you. Yeah, I guess so. You just you have built these connections in your brain that this is normal. And maybe it's just a fear of rejection. And so it's maybe some sort of a defense system that they have put in place so that they don't get hurt by the people that are closest to them. so. think so.
If you adopt them and show them it's permanent, things will get better. So we did everything that they us to do. Yeah. And again, we young, naive. Yeah. You've got two young children too. And so we did, we adopted them and things were great right after the adoption for a little while. And then I don't know what
I don't know what, there's always a trigger for, with trauma. behavior, yeah. And it got to the point, I mean, it was, it was very destructive to the point where he was destroying everything at home. He was stealing money. He was destroying the other kids.
things. He was very physical and it became dangerous. It really did. I, know, black and white, still remember clear as day. was a Wednesday, I picked him up early day. We went home, we sat around, had routines. I was very, I'm very routine oriented. And we were doing homework and he wouldn't do it and he started
carving into my table and I said, Jace, you've got to stop. And I made a mistake at that point and said, I can't do this anymore. I can't do this. You clearly don't want to be here. And he got up and went over and grabbed the knife and started to cut himself. And in front of all of the other kids. And then when I tried to stop him, he turned it on me.
And so this was very traumatic for Ceterra being five or six. she went and hid in the closet and I had there, you know, there was blood all over. And so I called my mom and luckily she was really close and she came and sat with the kids and I took him to the hospital. And as we were sitting there, at that point we had, I had a trauma specialist come in.
Because I don't know what to do. I don't have those skills. don't have those traits. And it really does take skills. Yeah, exactly. I think you've told me before that you can't love them enough. Like they just, they don't respond to love. No, they don't. And that was really hard for me to learn. The more you love them, They put a bigger wall and it causes more problems. Wow.
Okay. And so that was so hard for me to get used to. so, Jace spent the next couple of weeks up at the university, neuropsych unit evaluations. And we did, we worked with a lot of doctors and then they came and told us, they said, you know, after evaluating and watching Jace does not feel safe at your home. Your home is not a safe environment for him. And that was devastating. Yeah, of course.
But for him, right? for him, It was not safe. So what did he, I mean, what did they say was not safe about it? We were too loving. He needed somebody that was more firm. And my kids will tell you, they've never heard me raise my voice. I don't yell. No. I never have. That's interesting. you really have to find
the right fit. you're going to foster, if you're going to adopt or whatever, you have to be aware of all these different personalities and understand which personalities are really going to fit with your family. You really do. You really need to know that. And you need to know as well, I had never been exposed to any trauma. growing up, I I did, I lived in this bubble, this perfect world. And so it was really...
But this has helped you to grow, I can imagine. It has. I've learned a lot. have so much compassion for people who have had trauma. You don't know what they're going through. You don't know what the kids have gone through. You don't know what the parents have gone through. So we placed Jace back into foster care, into a group home. We didn't just turn him away.
stayed in touch with his with the group home mom and we met with his school teachers. still were very as involved. Was he close by then? no, no, no, he was he was up in Ogden. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So but we would go up there, we would meet with the teachers, we you know, we tried we wanted him to know that we still cared. Right. And luckily, his
special ed education teacher. Okay, he ended up adopting him. really? Yeah, so he only went so he went from us to the teacher to the teacher Which was really really good and it was good for him. It was a place for yes Okay, and after we placed him there and and it was great because they had training they knew how to deal with Behavioral issues they knew how where I didn't
I really did not. Interesting. think, well, I mean, you did the foster certification, but I guess they don't really prepare you for that with foster. No. certification was sitting through 10 classes for two hours each time and they tell stories. you can hear stories, but until you live it, you don't understand. Okay. Yeah.
So we all want to help and we want to, but there's lots of different ways that we can help people, right? And I had to come to that realization that we can still help, but it may not be the way that we think it should be. So how have you found that you've been able to continue to support these kids? So Dayja living in Florida and she is thriving.
I know I see her on Facebook and I'm like she seems really happy. is. She's doing so well. I'm the only one that has contact with her I hear from her once a week. know she's still, mom how are you? What are you doing? that makes me happy. And it's nice to hear. She's living a lifestyle that I am not comfortable with. Yeah.
But, and I wouldn't thrive in, but she is doing really well. Yeah. Well, she seems really happy. She's had this same boyfriend for a while. over a year. Yeah. Yeah. She's been living with her boyfriend and he has two kids and she's pretty much their mom. Okay. we have these connections and these relationships throughout our lives and they
they affect us in different ways and sometimes really negatively, you know, but even the negative stuff can help you to grow. It's how you choose to deal with it once it's there, right? We've all had trauma. You you said you didn't really deal with trauma, but we all have some sort of trauma, you know, whether it's self-inflicted or if it's somebody else has inflicted it. And I guess you could argue that there are different levels of trauma that we have.
I definitely made up for not having childhood trauma. So that's what I'm saying. from there on. Because if you don't have some trauma, you're not going to learn. You're not going to learn. You're not going to grow. Right. But in the end, it's really your choice how you're going to deal with that trauma and how you respond to it. And that's what makes you who you are. And so I think the real question is not necessarily, you know, so often I feel like
we go to therapy and we just want to talk about all the bad things that have happened and that doesn't make you feel better. it doesn't. Maybe it validates you a little bit because the person listening to you can say like, wow, that was really hard. But it's not really what we've done. It's what we do now. How you take that and you say, I don't want to be that person. I don't want to feel that way. That was great about the therapy that we went through
So after Jace left, Dayja did really well. She blossomed. She just did so splitting those two. It was important. Was important. Yeah. Like we saw a night and day difference and she just did so well. And she did well up until she was 15. And then her biological mom
was murdered and it was a high profile case. I didn't know that. Yeah. It was all over the news. It was, it was a very high profile case and that was her trigger. Yeah. That's what sent her off. didn't realize that interesting. She's playing mom and she,
enjoying it. They're young. Well you know I've always loved Dayja She's been one of my favorites. So she has the most genuine heart. She really does. She just doesn't have the skills to think that cause and effect. If I do this. Yeah it's that impulsivity. But you know also in all of the trainings and therapies that we did in trying to teach her, I benefited from it in the sense that it's taught me
how to step back and say, okay, there's a different way, but let's reevaluate. And working with people, just career-wise now, I'm working with people all over the world now. Tell me what you do, because I know you're in business. I'm a regional payroll director. payroll, nobody chooses payroll. Payroll chooses you.
After graduating from college, I started working at an engineering firm as a project accountant. Okay. And their payroll person went to lunch and never came back. And they said, Hey, we've got to run payroll. Can you do it? Okay. And 24 years later, I'm still doing it. For the same company. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That's great. But it's a growing company. so it is we've merged with eight other companies. Wow.
Okay. So we've got, yeah, we've got a company in Ireland, Netherlands. That's amazing. Yeah. And you handle all the payroll for that. there you go. So I can't say I do, I have a team that does it. Okay. But that's what's been so great is I've learned skills on how to communicate. with, with other people. Yeah.
and that's what we're here for, right? To build those relationships and to understand how to communicate what we believe and what we think to other people and to be able to critically think about what people are telling us. And yeah, love that. That's really good. Well, we're kind of getting close to being done here. I think that we've done, like I've asked you a lot of questions and.
I didn't realize how Sendy you really are Lani. I guess I'm passive aggressive person. Passive aggressive. don't know if I call it that. think I am. I'm quiet, but then I'll go get things That's a great way to put it, like passive aggressive, because yes, you do come off as being very, you know, quiet and reserved and everything, but man, you just go after what you want. Once my mind's made up, then I do.
Okay, so would you, is there anything in particular that you really feel like you'd like to do that you haven't tried yet?
or does it just come like you're looking at Facebook marketplace? I'm kind of a spontaneous person, but yet I have to plan. Like I'm spontaneous and then I plan. Okay. That's funny. That's very similar to how I am too, actually. So, okay. I love that. I'm going to ask you some rapid fire questions and we'll just kind of go through it.
So what has brought you joy in the last 24 hours?
I'm entering this next phase of no kids at home, which is so hard for me. Yeah, it is so hard. So when I can't come home and my puppies come up and their tells are wagging. I know it's crazy. Yeah, but I love that somebody's happy to see you. Yeah, no, that is really that is a joyful thing. Yeah, sure. Okay, what is the
latest TV show or documentary that you've watched that you've liked.
I actually love documentaries, but I've kind of been fascinated recently with
it's about the girl and she was just on Dancing with the Stars. But she came to the US from, I want to say Russia. Okay. And she lived this lavish lifestyle, just crazy with no money. And she embezzled all of this money
Inventing Anna. Inventing Anna. Okay, I think I've heard of that one before. And how she got caught. To me, it's so fascinating to watch her because she has so much confidence. Do I agree with what she's doing? No, absolutely not. Yeah. And she's been on house arrest. Okay. And I don't know the full story. Was she a model?
or something? No. Okay. No, she just came. She just came and lived this lavish lifestyle. And wow. It's crazy. Yeah, but brilliant. At the same time. I'm like, how can people be so crazy? So confident to be able to do something and be on house arrest. And she had to get all of these permissions to be with Dancing on the Stars this last season. Okay, so she was she was eliminated. I think she was one of the first ones. But that's
That's Interesting. Okay. Inventing Anna. We'll look that one up. What was the last really good book that you read? well this week I read a book called I want to trust you, but I don't. okay. So I like to read lots of self-help books. Okay. yeah. You're like me. Yeah. I'm going to have to look that one up. And I liked that one because so often I find myself
I want to trust people. Yeah. But I don't. Yeah. And sometimes I hate that about myself. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. Okay. All right. I'll have to look for that one. All right. Where is a vacation spot? You talked about a lot about going camping and stuff. Do you have a favorite vacation spot or somewhere you you'd really like to go? It doesn't have to be camping. I love the Caribbean. Okay. Have you been do you go do cruises? Okay. Yeah. All right. That's my favorite. We've done
the Mexican Riviera cruise we've done. My favorite is Caribbean. There's nothing like the sun and the sand in your toes. It's just different sand. It's, is. No, you're not wrong. Yeah, that's true. Are there any excursions that you recommend or that you really like? You know, my favorite excursion was Barbados Island. where they have birds and animals.
So it's like aviary or something? aviary. Okay. All right. And they had crocodiles Like rain forest kind of? Yeah, total rain forest feeling. Okay. That's And you walk through and I mean they had a rabbit that was probably three feet tall. It was the biggest rabbit I've ever seen in That would scare me. It was kind of frightening. And then I walked over and there was a turtle sitting on top of a crocodile's head.
It was just fascinating to me. to have all the animals be integrated together. integrated. Love it. Okay, that's cool. What's something that you like or try to do every day? I start my day out and I really ask God, what do want me to do today? Guide me.
What do you want me to do? And so I really try to pay attention to not only help me, but to help my team or my family.
Is there anything that you would recommend I try next? I think you need to try ceramics. You need to come over here. yeah! I'm gonna come over. You should come over. Yeah. What should I make? There's so many things to make. Make a troll for my garden or something. Yes, there's so many things and that's what's kind of fun. You can just be creative. That's crazy. I did do that doll when I was 16, 17 or something like that and I loved it.
I actually really liked it a lot, but I think it was a little bit different than what you do. So I would be really interested. have to try it. Let me know. That sounds really good. Well, thank you for being with me on Sendy Mom podcast. love what you're doing. Keep doing it. Thank you. It's been really fun. I love the conversations. It's fun to get a peep into everybody's life and what they're doing. And if anybody out there would like to be on the podcast, please let me know and be sure and subscribe on SendyMom.com
so that you can find out when we're having new episodes So thanks for being here, it's been really fun. Thank you. conversations.