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Learn how to work with your executive dysfunction instead of always feeling like you're trying to fight against it. I'm a Radical ADHD & AuDHD Acceptance Coach, and I teach a harm-reduction approach to ADHD & executive functioning so you can step into your neurodivergence and feel at home in your ADHD brain.
Hi, everyone. Welcome or welcome back to the Connected Divergence podcast. My name is Tina Etheridge. I'm a radical ADHD and ADHD acceptance coach, and I just wanna say that I'm not sorry. Apologies probably too strong for this, but I don't know what other words to I just wanna acknowledge.
Tina:There we go. I wanna acknowledge that my audio has been, like, a little bit different each time I record, and it's probably because I'm recording in the hotel and, just all the things. So trying to figure out what settings I've been using to have it be a little bit more consistent, but, anyway, let's get on with it. Just want to acknowledge that being autistic, variability and change can be challenging sometimes, and if that's bothersome for you, just know that I understand and I'm working on it. And also also and imperfectionist practices.
Tina:We're we're doing the best we can. So let's talk about what we're gonna talk about today, which is a thing that I've been, like, sitting with for a very long time, and I wanted to come on here and chat about it with you in case that, like, maybe you felt this way before, maybe you haven't felt this way before, but I'm just curious to, like, express it and see and see what people think and feel about it. But my truth is that I right. My truth right now in this moment is that I do not like reading books about ADHD. There's a lot of reasons for that it's very layered but the right just the the blank blanket statement is that I don't enjoy reading books that are like ADHD branded or like specifically about ADHD And let's dive into why that is.
Tina:Right? Like, I'm an ADHD coach. I think, like, the obvious thought pattern that my brain goes to is, like, Tina, as a coach, you should want to be reading these books because that's how you, right, learn more and get educated and, like, can better help your clients and, like, sure. Yeah. Sure.
Tina:Yeah. I can see that. Absolutely. But, also okay. Let's just start with the first one.
Tina:The first one's probably the most obvious, and it's that a lot of books about like, you need to be picky. You need to be critical about books about ADHD because a lot of them are very shamey, very neurotypical coded, very like against everything that I believe here, like, in my coaching and on this podcast and in everything that I write, like, so shamey and judgy and negative and, like, despair or, like, talking about laziness and all of these things that just give me the big ick, the big cringe that I want absolutely nothing to do with and I do not want poisoning my mind. Poisoning my mind, that's how it feels. Contaminating the waters, shall we say, because I have worked so hard to lift myself and remove myself from those kinds of thought patterns about ourselves as ADHDers and I don't want to go anywhere near with a 10 foot pole, like, that is how I feel about it. I can't remember the book, but I remember I was in A Books A Million last year and there was a book about ADHD I wish I could remember the name maybe it's better than I don't.
Tina:And one of the first chapters talked about someone who, like, masturbated too much and how that was, like, an illness or, like, a sickness or, like, a really messed up thing, and she wrote this is literally a book about ADHD. Like, oh my I guess I was talking about dopamine or something. And she was talking about how this person had, like, a masturbation addiction and, like, what was wrong with them and how awful and, like, they are just, like, addicted to dopamine, and I'm a pretty sex positive person. I'm a pretty, like, masturbation positive person in general. Like, I have a lot of, like, religious upbringing stuff that I had to work through.
Tina:I went to high school in south in this, you know, in the south in Georgia. That just added even more to it. Like, I've had to anyway, that's another podcast for another day. But, anyway, yeah, I'm a pretty sex positive person and just the levels of shame and judgment heaped onto this person instead of, like, compassion and understanding was not there. And this is in the first chapter or maybe the second chapter, and I just remember being like absolutely fucking not.
Tina:Like, I am not listening to this person. I put the book down and I was like disgusted by it and, right, any framework that talks about dopamine as an addiction and, like, it's not that it's not I'm not trying to, like, delegitimize every example of, like, oh my gosh. Like, we're addicted to dopamine, but it's just so much of it is overused in my opinion and used to put, like, personal blame on people when, like yeah. Right. Like, you're lazy.
Tina:You're just lazy. You should just not do this, or you should get off your phone, or I don't know. Whatever. Do a dopamine detox. I'm not I don't I don't like that.
Tina:I don't I don't like that as, like, a blanket prescription for everyone. I think dopamine detoxes can be wonderful if it's your choice, but personal autonomy is also important and, like, don't tell me what to do. So, yeah, it's just not my favorite. And there's just right? I think when we read certain books, if we don't have the templates for what's possible and what can exist and we read them maybe without a broader scope or just a more compassionate gentle self kind scope, these books can be really really latent with shame and just like blaming individuals, and I'm not about that.
Tina:Like, absolutely not. It's just okay. So here's part 2, and it's at a lot of ADHD books. I'm thinking of one in particular. I'm probably not gonna name names.
Tina:I think that's probably the best, but I'm thinking of one in particular that I read, and it was basically like, here's how to live your best life with ADHD. And it has a lot of tools and a lot of, like, here are tools that you can use to help your ADHD, and, like, that's a lovely thing and I love that. That's great. We love templates. I'm, you know, I'm all about new templates, but it was presented as, like, use these tools and use these tools and your life will be better and you basically won't have any ADHD anymore.
Tina:I'm I'm I'm not saying that this is what the book said, I'm just saying this is the way that I felt when I read it. I don't even know if the book said that but this is how I felt as I was reading it at least to the best of my memory which is very flawed but doing the best you can here. That was the that was the feeling that I got is just like use these tools and I've got this from like very traditional like neurotypical in disguise ADHD coaching that's like use these tools and you basically won't have ADHD anymore and it's not true is never true. If it were true none of us would be we would find a tool like we would buy a planner and then we would use it and then it wouldn't be hard anymore, right? Like it's not true like nobody addresses that like, Hey, here's a bunch of tools, here's a menu of tools and you're gonna need to find new ones or you're gonna need to like intentionally use novelty to change it up and mix things up and make it fresh and shiny and sparkly for yourself because it is going to wear off and just be aware of that.
Tina:Like, that's never addressed. It's always like here's my magical miracle solution and all your problems are gonna be solved forever. You're welcome. That's the feeling I can get from some books about ADHD, and I don't love it because it feels disingenuous and, like, you're just trying to make money off of people. Okay.
Tina:The other reason this is more personal, but the other reason why I don't like reading books about ADHD is because, like, I think there's a part of me that feels jealous or envious. Is envious the right one? I think envious? Like, man, these people wrote a book and they published a book and I haven't done that yet and I that's my dream. Like, that's my big precious close to my heart dream is publishing a book, and I can feel like I don't know.
Tina:I'm an ADHD coach. Right? Like, I'm an ADHD coach that's very close to home for me, and it's really easy for me to start comparing myself to other people or, like, how good their book is or I don't know that, you know, I'll just go down this rabbit hole of, like, I'm never gonna be able to do that, I won't be able to do it like they do, blah blah blah, and none of that is true, but it's just the direction that my brain goes in and so I would rather just not. I'd rather just not subject myself to that neural pathway and instead not read books that are about ADHD, so that I just don't have to go there. And that's that's a me thing.
Tina:That's a me thing, and I own it entirely. I know what's up. I know what's going on. I'm aware. But that leads me into what I wanted I really got what I really wanted to share with you, which is the kind of books that I love to read and the way I would describe them is they have everything to do with ADHD neurodivergence neurodiversity autism whatever like they have everything to do with it, but they're not about ADHD explicitly.
Tina:And maybe this is, like, my demand avoidance coming through of, like, don't be too on the nose. Be a little a little subtle, a little coy, a little smooth. Like, don't I don't know what it is, but just that's what I love. I love books that have nothing like, there's no ADHD on the cover or in the description of the book or the title or anything like that, but you read it, and it's almost like you're you're, like, finding treasure. Like, you're a treasure hunter, and you're looking for buried treasure, and you're digging for treasure, and you found the treasure.
Tina:Like, that is what it feels like to me. It feels like a delightful surprise or maybe, actually, how I would phrase it is it engages my pattern recognition pattern recognition pattern analysis part of my brain, and I go, like, right, they're not talking about ADHD, but I'm like, oh my gosh. That's totally an ADHD thing. I was like, this is super related to autism or, you know, they're saying it without saying it out loud, and that just lights something up in my brain, and it feels like I'm solving a mystery, and I just I love love that feeling so much. It's so engaging and fun for me so let me share I'm gonna try to remember as best as I can but let me share some books that did that for me that are again like not explicitly about adhd but like they they met the need for me I would love to share those okay the first one which is the first one that I ever read that did this for me was untamed by Glennon Doyle, and I'm pretty sure I might be misremembering, but I'm pretty sure she's figured out that she has I don't know if it's ADT or autism, I don't remember, but, like, she's definitely, like, later since figured out that she probably has some kind of neurodivergence, if I'm remembering that correctly.
Tina:But, yes, Untamed by Glennon Doyle. You read this book and you are like, wow, this person understands me. This person knows what I have been through or it's super close. You just feel so seen. You feel so seen and not once does she talk about ADHD or autism, but it's just so encoded into this book and it's I love that book.
Tina:I have read it, like, at least 3 times. I wanna read it again this year. It did so much for me. I think I could have a whole entire episode dedicated for what this book did to me for me. Like, it changed my life.
Tina:It completely changed my life. It gave me the courage to leave a relationship that I don't know if I talked about this. Maybe I did on one episode. I don't remember. But it did it did give me the courage to, like, leave, my relationship with my ex husband.
Tina:It's just like a book to inspire you to, like, change your life and live a more authentic life. Like, inspired me to, like, quit my job and become a coach, literally so much. This book did so much to me. I cannot rave about it enough. It is so gorgeous and beautiful and wonderful.
Tina:If you don't know, Glennon Doyle is one of the hosts of the we can do hard things podcast. Great podcast. Okay. Let's go on to the next book that did this for me and it is a book I cannot recommend enough. Again, it is so wonderful.
Tina:It is How to Keep House While Drowning by K. C. Davis, like, capital k, capital c, Davis. Her account is struggle care and domestic blisters on, I don't know if it's Facebook or, sorry, Instagram or TikTok. I can't remember which, but, wow.
Tina:So this book is kind of written for people that have, like, depression, disabilities, or even neurodivergence, but it's not, like, explicitly about ADHD or explicitly about, you know, here's pure executive functioning.
Speaker 1:I don't know.
Tina:She doesn't even I don't even know if she, like, uses the word executive functioning in this book, maybe, but I don't think so. And, honestly, it's about cleaning your house. I think the the way that this had the magic for me was it's a book about how to keep, like, do care tasks and chores for your home, but when I was reading it I was like no no no no no this applies to everything. This isn't just about house stuff, this applies to like literally everything in my life, like, it applies to how I approach my work, it applies to how I approach going to the gym, like, this applies everywhere for everything. This book is so much bigger than just a chore household task care self care book, like, it is and that's what, like, had the pattern recognition moments in my brain and, like, the sparkles was, like, this could this could work right here.
Tina:And it's just inspired so much of my work as a coach just so foundational to my, like, the way I navigate through the world like so much about harm reduction. It's delightful and so wonderful. And the last one that I can say hit this for me is come together by Emily Nagoski. I think it's only good. Yes.
Tina:I think so. And this is a book about, like, sex and intimacy and relationships, and I actually haven't finished it. I'm, like, halfway through, and then my brain just kinda lost the dopamine for it. Think I was just trying to
Speaker 1:I don't know. I don't
Tina:really know. My brain just lost the dopamine for it. However, I was so freaking into it for, like, the first half of me reading it. And this book does, I think, talk about neurodivergence, but it's not on the nose. It's like, you know, here's a little sprinkle.
Tina:Here's, you know, some spice, some pepper, like, some seasoning, shall we say. It's not like a book specifically about neurodivergence. It's a book about sex, intimacy, and relationships and partnerships and, you know, the understanding of neuro I'm pretty sure Emily and her sister, if I'm remembering, are nerd. I think she says that she's autistic. So, like, it's in there.
Tina:Right? Like, an autistic person wrote this book, but it's not explicitly about, like, this is a book for people with ADHD. And I just write it just does the same thing. It hits, like, my pattern recognition and that, like, deeper levels of understanding. And I think maybe, speaking all of this out loud, maybe the core thread, the core theme of all of this is, like, I love when authors write books about neurodivergence that are not about neurodivergence.
Tina:Right? Like, they're about neurodivergence because we are writing in the context of our neurodiversity, like, our our lens, right, our lens of how we view and navigate, understand, and walk through the world because we are autistic, because we have ADHD. And, like, the book is going to be dramatically impacted and influenced by that because this is right how we see the world. But the book isn't necessarily explicitly about ADHD because if it's too prescriptive, it gives me, like, demand avoidance and don't tell me what to do vibes. But if it's about like other things then it's cool and I'm enjoying myself and I can it's just more subtle I think that's probably the core theme is books written by authors that are neurodivergent I think that's been true for me for fiction books as well, like, another book that, gosh, like, struck me to my core, like, the depths of my soul.
Tina:It's a fiction book. It's called, oh, gosh. The heart principle. I think the author is Helen Huang. Oh, the heart.
Tina:I'm gonna look really quick. Yes. Helen Huang. And this book it's a romance novel. The main character is autistic.
Tina:I don't even know yes, yes, she does know that she's autistic. I think she's like late diagnosed like figures it out pretty late in life and like oh my god like I read this book and it was another one that was just so profound right it's a romance novel it's not the main character is autistic the book isn't like explicitly like explicitly about autism like that's not the whole situation. Like, the main character, the other the male main character has I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but, like, he has the same thing going on that my partner had going on 3 years ago, and it just, like, I felt like I was reading a book about myself and my own life, like, and it was amazing. So, like, I did have all of these, like, layers of, like, connection and understanding. And I think Helen Hoang also wrote, like, The Kiss Quotient, which is another great book.
Tina:Yeah. I don't know. Maybe that's what that's another part of it is, like, I don't really enjoy books that are very prescriptive. Like, I wanna be informed. I don't necessarily wanna be told what to do because I'm just gonna be, like, nah.
Tina:Don't tell me what to do. No. Thank you. That's just how my brain is wired. So I think that's what I wanted to share today.
Tina:Thank you for being here and listening, and I'm so curious, like, do you experience this? Do you love reading books about ADHD? If so, what are your favorites? Do you I don't know. Like, did you have a a moment where you did when you were, like, really hyperfixated on learning about and understanding ADHD, and that's, like, kind of come to a close for you?
Tina:I'd love to know. I'm just so curious to know. So if you wanna share, you can reach out to me on Instagram. My DMs are always open. And if you're not an Instagram y person, I'm also on Substack, and I have an email.
Tina:My email is tina@comfortandkindness.c0.com, but c o. So, yeah, thank you so much for listening. I hope you all are having a good week. I hope you're having a good week, not in spite of, but I don't know what word to use. But alongside every, pile of manure that has also happened this week.
Tina:I hope you're taking care of yourselves. Yes. That's where I wanna end. I hope that you're taking care of yourself, and we will talk soon. Take care.
Tina:Love you all so much. Bye.