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Welcome friend! This is the Living With Joy Renewed podcast, where adoptive families find healing for the present and hope for the future.
I'm Jeanette Nafziger, and I'm here to come alongside you on your parenting journey each week with tips, real-life stories, and encouragement to help your family find renewed joy at home.
00:00:05
Hey everyone. Welcome back to Joy Renewed podcast, where adoptive families find healing for the present and hope for the future. Joyrenewed is here to support you on your parenting journey each week with tips, real life stories, and encouragement to help your family find renewed joy at home. Here's this week's episode.
00:00:45
Hey everyone. How are we all doing on this parenting journey today? Some of you are probably listening in, just looking for some support and camaraderie. Maybe just some reassurance that you're not alone as you navigate what each day is bringing you. Some of you may be in a crisis season.
00:01:05
Maybe you're reaching out for whatever tools could be available. Wherever you are today, just know that you can do this. You are doing this and you really are enough for your kiddos. We're all in this together. So on that note, before I bring up today's discussion, I wanted to ask what topics are relevant to your everyday life as an adoptive parent or as a parent in general?
00:01:30
What do you want to hear more about? What would you like to hear discussed? Check out Joy renewed's Instagram page. Leave me a comment or a message. Let me know what you'd like to hear talked about.
00:01:43
I don't have all the answers to all the questions, but I can try and find them. All I can do is share some of my journey with you, things that I wish that maybe I had known when my children were younger. So what topic would be useful? What topic would be encouraging? Let me know.
00:02:02
Today I want to talk about relationships. The bonds that we have with our children. It's only going to be a tip of the iceberg because this topic could be a whole day's worth or more of information. But it is an important topic and strong relationships and emotional supports are one of the factors that, when present, they help our children become resilient despite what they have been through. This is a topic that a lot of families come to Joyrenewed looking for answers for.
00:02:34
As a family relationship coach myself, it is a topic that is very near and dear to my heart. See, Joy Renewed is a nonprofit organization that offers parent coaching, family relationship coaching, as well as other supports and resources for adoptive families. And that name, Joy Renewed, is significant because I believe that sometimes in the midst of trying to navigate strong emotions, difficult behaviors and relationship struggles, families find it hard to discover the joy of being together. I believe that despite some struggles, it is possible to renew the joy of being a family. And part of that journey is learning how to maintain strong relationships in the midst of the struggle.
00:03:19
This is much easier to say and imagine than it is to do sometimes, but the reality is this is not a short journey. You may go over the mountain of a cris today to find yourself in another one next week. It takes these moments of learning and these moments of growth to get where we're going. And it's not a short journey. To find joy in the midst of that journey is so very important.
00:03:49
And relationship is the one thing we have. So if we can find joy in that relationship despite what's going on, it will just make this journey so much better. This is especially an important topic for those parents who have children who are entering into that preteen or teenage years, children who have just become a part of your family and who are in those difficult adolescent years already. When children begin the middle school adolescent years, whether they're in a foster home, a traditional home, a blended family, an adoptive home, no matter where they are, they begin a journey of discovering who they are. They are trying to find their own identity.
00:04:33
We've all went through it ourselves. And along with hormones and many other changes, life just gets a little difficult in those adolescent years for our kiddos. And it's so very, very important that during these times we as parents learn how to keep a hold of our children's hearts. When my children were little, when they were growing up, when things were difficult, I always had that phrase in my mind keep a hold of their hearts. I had this very strong conviction that no matter what, I had to keep a hold of their heart.
00:05:08
I would never allow circumstances to get between me and my children or to change the way I felt about my children. And this is an active choice. We bring our children up with a certain set of values. All parents do. And obviously it's going to be the values that we believe in.
00:05:29
But during these years, when they are trying to find their identity, when they're trying to understand themselves, they will often question those values. This is normal and it's necessary. Most likely, your children are very aware of what your values are. Family rules, the way you do things, dinner table conversations. All of these things are laden with what you believe are important character traits, proper behaviors, important ethical beliefs.
00:06:02
As a parent, you should desire for your children to claim these values and beliefs as their own, not simply because you hold them. And for our adopted kiddos, this is a bigger journey than it is for other kiddos. Teenagers are notorious for wanting to rebel. They want to rebel against systems, against parents, against rules. I don't believe this is because they're going through that horrible, evil stage of life.
00:06:30
I believe it's part of a necessary identity journey. Their brains are asking, what does it look like for me to be a person who believes this instead of that? What happens if I am a different person than everyone thinks I am? And that question right there is the golden key to understanding our adopted children's thought path. There is a part of their identity that they don't know.
00:06:57
If they do not have contact with their birth family, it's completely in the dark for them. If they do have contact with them, it's a whole other part of their identity that may or may not be congruent with the value system of the family they're adopted into. So they're wondering who they really are, as all adolescents do. But there's a different dimension for them that says, would I be the same person if life hadn't interrupted my original path? And the question, I believe is always next for them is will my parents still love and accept me if I discover new things about myself?
00:07:36
As our children seek the answers as to who they are, what they believe about themselves and the world, things can get quite confusing for them. When what is going on in their brains is different than what is expected of them, difficult behavior patterns can emerge. The question of what if who I am does not line up with who I am expected to be can lead to fear of rejection. And as we've talked about before, the insecurity that comes from fear of rejection is something that our adopted children's brains are always, always on high alert for. This could look like anything from struggling academically while living in a home that highly values education and secondary education, or even on to questioning spirituality in a family whose values are founded on their religion.
00:08:31
All adolescents, while trying to discover their identity, question things especially values, morals and ethics, because they're trying to discover what they believe and why they believe it. The key to maintaining relationship with your children during this season is to prioritize your love for them over everything else and keep a hold of their heart. These are especially difficult stages for many adopted children. They know what your values are. If these truly are your values, your lifestyle and you're living out these values will say more than any words you may try to drill into your kiddos as they try and discover themselves.
00:09:14
Maybe sometimes it's important to say less and to love more. I remember one late, late summer night when one of my early teens was really struggling. We had gotten into an argument, her and I, about something, and she got extremely upset with me. Looking back, I can clearly see that I was not understanding her or truly hearing the heart of what she was trying to say. She was confused.
00:09:44
She was trying to figure herself out. She was trying to figure out how she fit into this world. I was trying to make her fit into my world. I wish I could have seen that then, but I didn't. I wasn't being who she needed me to be at that moment as I was arguing with her.
00:10:03
But I did do something that night that I will always look back on and say, I think that was the right thing. She got so upset with me that night that she left the house. Now, it was late, close to midnight, if not after. And we lived down a long lane on a dark backcountry road, definitely not somewhere I wanted her to be walking by herself for safety reasons. But I also knew I didn't want her to be alone in the state of distress, frustration, anger, and confusion she was in.
00:10:36
No one should be alone in that state, and I didn't want her just wandering and trying to process things on her own. I didn't have answers for her, but I could be there, and I could be present for her. So I followed her. She walked down the lane, and I walked right behind her. She'd stop, and she'd look back, and she'd give me this look, and I'd be like, I'm not chasing you.
00:11:00
I'm just staying with you. She told me she was fine, just go home. But she kept walking, and I kept walking. She got to the end of the lane, turned, started walking down the road, down the middle of the road even. And when she realized I was not leaving, she huffed and turned around, went back to the driveway.
00:11:24
She walked about halfway down the driveway, and she plopped down on the side of the lane in the wet dewy grass, and she said, I'm fine. I'm close to the house. You can go home. See, she thought it was all about a safety issue, and she didn't realize that it was more just my heart just wanting to be near her. Even though I didn't know what to say or what to do, I sat down next to her and I said, I'm not here to argue.
00:11:54
I'm not even here to talk unless you want to. I'm just here, is what I said to her. And then it suddenly hit me that I wanted to say more. I said to her, I will always be here. It doesn't matter how many arguments we get into, how many ways we may disagree, or how many times you feel like you need to walk away, I will always, always be here beside you.
00:12:21
There's nothing you can do. There's nothing you can say, there's nothing you can believe that will make me love you less or decrease my desire to make sure you are okay and you are safe. I remember that night as plain as day. I can remember how cold the dew was on my legs as we were sitting in that grass, because it was a significant night for me, because I think I was telling myself these things as much as I was telling her them. And I suddenly realized that this is what that phrase that was always going through my head means keep a hold of her heart.
00:13:03
We disagreed on many things over the coming years after that, and we still do disagree about some things. But that night began a journey of a different kind of trust between us. It was a trust that said we are in this life together and nothing will take that away from us. It makes me tear up just looking back over our journey that night, I said to her, not in words, but in my actions, I choose to not allow your behavior, our disagreements, your anger, my anger, your choices or my choices to separate our bond as mother and daughter, no matter what. Our hearts are entwined in this relationship.
00:13:53
That is what we all want as parents. And I know, I know it's easier said than done sometimes that connection was tested for her and I, but it really wasn't. Many other trials, tests, struggles came along. But for me, there was never a question once I committed to always choosing that love over anything else. That relationship came before anything else in our lives.
00:14:25
We can disagree. We do not have to allow those disagreements to separate our relationship. Maybe you're struggling with relationship with your kiddo today, or maybe you're just starting on your relationship journey with a preteen or an adolescent. My best advice is choose them over and over and over again. It will be worth it in the end.
00:14:50
They will teach your heart the true meaning of love if you allow them. It's so rich and so beautiful, these relationships, if we allow them to be. Take the time and do the things that tell your kiddo you are their greatest cheerleader, their strongest supporter. Not just when they do the things you want or the things that you expect, but just because they are them. They know what your values are and usually they know exactly what you expect.
00:15:23
You don't need to remind them over and over when they're questioning. What you do need to do is love them through these years of discovering their identity and finding their truth. And here's where this different dimension comes in. Because you see, these adopted kidders will often struggle with the question of was it something about me that wasn't right, that made my biological parents reject me or choose other things over me? Their brains will always be on high alert for the moment when who they are may once again not be enough for those that are supposed to love and support them.
00:16:01
They may try to fit into our expectations, but that trying will often turn into confusion, anger and hostility. Or they may try to run from our expectations, break off that bond and sabotage the relationship with you in order to avoid the big emotions and feelings that could come if they think they're about to disappoint you. That is what I mean when I say our adopted kiddos go through these years of discovering themselves with a few more complicated dimensions than other children do. And I believe that our job as their parents is to love them through it. Simply love them through it.
00:16:43
Make sure you as a parent are in a healthy state of mental well being so that your identity is not dependent on who you expect them to be. Guide them through it. Never lay down your own values, but give them the space to understand your values and discover what they believe about them themselves. This unconditional love can do more to heal that trauma of adoption than any healing program or guru ever can. That is why I often say that parents are our children's best therapists because we can love them through it.
00:17:24
Thanks for listening again today. We all can learn so much from our adopted children. We can learn what it means to love and accept others simply for being who they are, simply because they exist, not because they fit into what we expect them to be. And your love is what they need to discover themselves and become strong, independent, resilient human beings with values and ethics that they truly believe in. Don't forget to check out Joy Renewed page.
00:17:55
Leave me a note. Let me know what's on your mind. Let me know what we can talk about together, so that as we continue on this journey of being a parent, an adoptive parent, we can find the tools we need to do it the very best way we can and be who our kiddos need us to be.
00:18:16
Thanks so much for joining us on this week's episode of Joy Renewed podcast. We hope that this episode resonated with you and provided some hope and inspiration for your own family's journey. If you'd like to join a virtual or in person life group with other adoptive families, visit us at WW livewithjoyrenewed.com. In the meantime, stay connected with us on Instagram at livewithjoyrenewed. And remember to subscribe to this podcast so you don't miss the next episode.
00:18:45
As always, thanks for allowing us to be a part of your family's journey.