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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over:
Speaker 2:Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 2:This continues our Swifty adventure.
Speaker 3:Okay. So we are looking up eldest daughter.
Speaker 1:I think I might actually do opa dype for my drag following because like it's Opa Lite. Oh, I can't think properly. Opa write my drag song, but I'm not sure if there's other songs I'm there to choose from.
Speaker 3:Okay. Are you ready?
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Wow. Is it my turn to read? I just read.
Speaker 4:So then it's my turn after.
Speaker 3:Okay. That sounds great. Everybody's so punk on the Internet. Everyone's unbothered till they're not. Every joke's just trolling and memes, sad as it seems, apathy is hot.
Speaker 3:Everybody's cutthroat in the comments. Every single hot take is cold as ice. Oh. Yeah. Also my throat hurts.
Speaker 3:I have been afflicted by terminal uniqueness. I've been dying just from trying to seem cool. But I'm not a bad bitch, and this isn't savage, but I'm never gonna let you down. I'm never gonna leave you out. So many traitors, smooth operators, but I'm never gonna break that bow.
Speaker 3:I'm never gonna leave you now. You know, the last time I wanna say there are some betrayals that you experienced that you need to leave. It is okay to leave when you're not safe. We did that. Oh, you just said that.
Speaker 4:We did do that. Oh. I don't have to stand naked beside her. Remember
Speaker 3:also naked isn't just like without clothes. Metaphorically mean like vulnerable. Like I'm showing you all of who I am. Why are you still being mean to me? It's not just without clothing, metaphorically, right?
Speaker 3:You know the last time I laughed this hard was on the trampoline in somebody's backyard. I must have been about eight or nine, that was the night I fell off and broke my arm. Pretty soon I learned cautious discretion. When your first crush crushes something kind. When I said I don't believe in marriage, that was a lie.
Speaker 3:Every eldest daughter was the first lamb to the slaughter. Oh, that hurt me. Did you feel that? So we all dressed up as wolves and we looked fire. But I'm not a bad bitch and this isn't savage.
Speaker 3:I'm never gonna let you down. I'm never gonna leave you out. So many traders, smooth operators, but I'm never gonna break that bow. I'm never gonna leave you now. We the bridge.
Speaker 3:We lie back a beautiful, beautiful time lapse. Ferris wheels kisses and lilacs. And things I said were dumb because I thought that I'd never find that beautiful beautiful life that shimmers that innocent light back like when we were young, every youngest child felt they were raised up in the wild, but now you're home.
Speaker 1:Is this for Travis Kelce? Don't It's word devour. And that usually can refer to marriage or promise. Well, I
Speaker 3:think there's lots of meanings. So I love that you're doing this in English class right now too, like this year especially, because I think that's what's happening. There's one layer where you could see it as like relationships with exes, right? A lot of songs. And also there's a layer with like why do we betray ourselves?
Speaker 3:Why do we give everything of who we are to someone else literally or metaphorically if they're not actually caring for us? But if we do that it means we're not caring for ourselves. Why don't we love ourselves the way we expect other people to? And there's that layer underneath that too of her relationship with the music industry and what
Speaker 1:the music industry has done to her.
Speaker 3:So there's lots of layers and who knows what it means to her specifically.
Speaker 1:Well, you can't keep what it means to me. Absolutely.
Speaker 3:Okay. What did you think of Elder's Daughter?
Speaker 1:I loved that one. You loved it?
Speaker 4:Like the owie.
Speaker 3:I think that it was just cool to hear a song about oldest daughter and youngest child while I'm listening with you all. That's pretty tender. That's not what it was about, but it was tender that was you were both mentioned developmentally. Okay. This is a lot.
Speaker 3:Who's reading next?
Speaker 4:The Listing kissed you anyway. And it was not convenient. No. But your girlfriend was away. Should've kissed you anyway.
Speaker 4:Hey.
Speaker 3:That was a lot of kissing. What do you think that's about? Kissing. I think
Speaker 4:it should be called should have kissed you anyway. It's done like a million times.
Speaker 3:What so what do if you're if she's saying should have kissed you anyway, what does that mean by ruin the friendship? I think he
Speaker 1:died. I think for me personally, it's like she knows that they're friends, but she literally says that his girlfriend is out. And so for me, I think that maybe she wants something more from him but they're just fun so he's like friend owning her. Sometimes what I do like like I'll try to be like not adequate for the like there are people that sometimes like I'll walk by and I'll be like oh yeah like at friends at school sometimes I'll be like oh I should have just told them I should have told them my life then but now that will never happen because I was just guilty to die.
Speaker 3:So here's something that's important to think about is that anytime you start to date someone you are changing what the relationship is and you can never go back to what the relationship was. Anytime you change a relationship, you can't undo that change. Is changed from now on. Same thing from like even even me and papa, I can work out a co parenting relationship with him. I could be friends with him, but I cannot go back to what already ended.
Speaker 3:Because I go back to December. There you go. So if you are friends with someone and shift into dating, that's not necessarily a bad thing, but it will not go back to the same kind of friendship because you have changed what it is. So are there times that that is what is important to try or explore or do? You will know that in that time, but it will never be what it was.
Speaker 3:So you have to be aware and intentional about what you're doing. Mhmm. Any other questions before we listen? No. Okay.
Speaker 3:What did you think about Ruin the Friendship?
Speaker 4:I loved it.
Speaker 1:I loved it. It was
Speaker 3:a little bouncy or that one, was it? Yeah. And also it's really tricksy content. I think the only other thing I would add is that the part where she's saying that, like, your girlfriend's away, that's not the same as being transparent and consensual. Right?
Speaker 3:Right. If everybody involved knows all the things, that is one thing. But anytime you're having to keep part of yourself secret, unless it is about your own privacy, then that is not healthy. And going after someone who's not actually meeting you where you're at or who's choosing you back, it doesn't work because then we just wait and wait and wait and daydreams. So it's kind of an important song in a lot of different ways just developmentally.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Okay the next song I'm gonna read actually romantic is next.
Speaker 4:Actually romantic is next.
Speaker 3:Okay ready? Okay, this is another explicit one, so what does that mean?
Speaker 4:Inappropriate, not appropriate, bad worries. It means? I mean being serious, I mean specific.
Speaker 3:Specific. Yeah. Saying things really directly.
Speaker 4:Yeah. Pacific. Pacific.
Speaker 3:I heard you call me boring Barbie when the Cokes got you brave, high fived my ex, and then said you're glad he ghosted me, wrote me a song saying it makes you sick to see my face, some people might be offended, but it's actually sweet all the time you spent on me, it's honestly put in. It's actually romantic. I really gotta hand it to you. No man has ever loved me like you do. Hadn't thought of you in a long time, but you keep sending me funny valentines.
Speaker 3:And I know you think it comes off vicious but it's precious, adorable, like a toy chihuahua barking at me from a tiny purse. That's how much it hurts. So she's blowing off somebody who's being really mean to her. Right? How many times has your boyfriend said why are we always talking about her?
Speaker 3:Oh. Wow. Okay. So someone's being mean to her. Like think about the I don't know that it's about Kanye, but think about Kanye example where he was so so mean to her and then wouldn't let it go and wouldn't let it go and got his wife
Speaker 4:That's your wife. Got
Speaker 3:her involved. They were being mean to Taylor and Taylor's like, if you don't like me so much, why don't you just leave me alone? Like, why are you still talking about me so much? Not obsessed with her. There you go.
Speaker 3:Okay. You ready to listen? Yeah. Okay. What did you think of actually romantic?
Speaker 1:I think it was like a warning, I would say. Like, I think she's just done with all the shit we've been saying about her and to her. So I think like she's not gonna do anything bad, but she's like, I'm gonna keep writing songs about you if you don't stop doing this. Like her songs can be we all know what her song can be.
Speaker 4:Some people think, oh, you're write a song about me. Well, if she writes a song about you, you get exposed to the whole world. Right. Because the whole world listens to her because everybody loves her or should love her. But she's awesome.
Speaker 4:I knew.
Speaker 3:Okay. You're the next reader. We are on wish list. It has dollar signs, which is interesting.
Speaker 4:Oh, okay.
Speaker 1:They want that yacht life under chopper blades. They want the bright lights and I don't even I'm not rich enough to say these words. But I don't know how to say this. I'll just take it as I can. Balanchi shave and a fat ass the baby face.
Speaker 1:They want it all. They want that complex female character and they want that smash. Okay, I like legit that much negativity thing. That they want that complex female character, they want that critical smash palmed ore. And an Oscar on their bathroom floor.
Speaker 1:They want it all. They should have what they want. They deserve what they want. Hope they get what they want. I just want you, Have a couple kids got the whole block looking looking like you.
Speaker 1:We tell the world to leave us the fuck alone and they do wow. Got me dreaming about a driveway with a basketball being annoying. Boss fell down, got a wish list. Wish list, just want you.
Speaker 3:You got that. She does that a lot in her songs. The very last time she does the chorus, she changes the last line. Twists it.
Speaker 1:Because I know what I want. This is the bridge. And then chorus is, I want you baby, have a couple kids got the whole block. Looking at you. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And then the I just want you.
Speaker 3:Okay. What do you think that's about?
Speaker 4:I think it's gonna be about money and a guy that's rich and hot.
Speaker 3:Oh, well. And do you want things or do you want relationships? Are you going to use money against people or are you going to use money to empower people?
Speaker 4:I would give most of it to charity and Michael would join in.
Speaker 1:I think from what I read it, like, calling people out because like she says I hope they get what they want. Like she I know because like she's like saying I hope you guys get what you want and also she wants what she wants. She wants a relationship. She just wants whoever this guy is whoever this hot guard. Travis.
Speaker 1:Anyway she wants to have her life.
Speaker 3:Like yeah she wants alone already.
Speaker 1:She wants to live in her own neighborhood. She wants kids with who don't have to worry about their mom and the paparazzi or whatever we do in America nowadays, random kids napping. I don't know. I don't know social media like most do.
Speaker 3:Do you remember when you were little and we would be like, wish granted? Oh, yeah. Oh. How would you explain that? What did that I
Speaker 4:hated that. I'd be like I would be like, Alex, what are the dishes? You'd be like wish granted, whatever the dishes you need.
Speaker 1:Or like mom, why would you ground me? Wish granted, you grounded. Because like in the past, we were all like so rude. Well we are so rude to each other but that's not the point. We were rude to each other and like we were like mom was just like tired of it and trying to teach us a lesson.
Speaker 1:Oh we learned that lesson Like, we learned that lesson. Like, don't ask for what you don't want. Well, actually, don't do that. Don't ask for what you don't need.
Speaker 4:Oh, wow. Wow. Because you're
Speaker 1:supposed to ask
Speaker 4:have half of the stuff I have.
Speaker 3:And also, when we meet our needs and we're being kind to each other, it opens up space for the things that we want because what we want is healthier. Yeah. Okay. Let's listen to it.
Speaker 4:Oh, yeah.
Speaker 3:Okay. What do you think of Wishlist?
Speaker 4:My drawing.
Speaker 1:What did you think of Wishlist? I liked it.
Speaker 4:I loved it.
Speaker 3:Yeah. I'm getting tired. It's so late. We waited so long for it to be released. People are starting to lay down sideways.
Speaker 3:Okay. I'm gonna read the next one. Daisy's bare naked I was distraught. He loves me not, he loves me not. Penny's unlucky I took him back and then stepped on a crack and heard the black cat laugh.
Speaker 3:And baby I'll admit I've been a little superstitious fingers crossed until you put your hand on mine seems to be that you and me we make our own luck a bad sign is all good ain't got a knock on wood all that bitchin wishing on a falling star never did me any good it's you and me forever dancing in the dark All over me, it's understood.
Speaker 1:New heights. I didn't know that was the His Travis Tosi's I was and his brother's YouTube podcast.
Speaker 3:Yeah. You caught it. Very good. Okay. Let's listen.
Speaker 3:Okay. What do you think?
Speaker 4:I like that phone. You like it? Everyone's yawning. I'm not.
Speaker 3:It's getting too late. No.
Speaker 4:It's not. Not for Taylor. We are on canceled. It says he thought that it would be okay at first the situation could be saved, of course, but they'd already picked out your grade and hers. Beware of the warm, rat masked, crusaders.
Speaker 4:Did you, girl, boss, too close to the sun? Did they catch you having far too
Speaker 3:Okay. Are you ready to listen?
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 3:What did you think of canceled? Thumbs up?
Speaker 4:I like it. Two thumbs up.
Speaker 3:Two thumbs up. I
Speaker 1:love the part where she said something wicked this may way comes, but I think it's so a musical, into the woods if I'm looking at me. That's why it got me because I was like, wait. I was not expecting it for that.
Speaker 3:Okay. We have two left. Do you wanna read the next one and then you read the Sabrina Carpenter one? Yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 3:Honey. You
Speaker 1:can call me Honey if you want because I'm the one you want. When anyone called me sweetheart, it was passive aggressive out of at the butt, and the bitch was telling me to back off because her man had looked at me wrong. If anyone called me honey, it was standing in the bathroom, white teeth, and they were saying not to get don't fit me, and I cried the whole way home. But you've touched my face. You'll find all of the blue moon you say honey.
Speaker 1:Summertime breaks pink sky. You can call me honey if you want because I'm the one you want. And of course, you know, outro is you can call me honey if you want.
Speaker 3:What do you think it's
Speaker 4:about? Like
Speaker 3:real love versus what people say to hook people. Oh, okay. Okay. One thing that will be interesting, not tonight, because we're just getting to know what the words even are especially our family we have to figure out the words but she talked about it was the process of her experience on the ARRIS tour so it'll be also interesting to start at the beginning and think about the Eris tour and all the things that happened on the Eris tour as we listen through. So that's pretty interesting but certainly you called it about Travis Kelce making a difference and being different than some of the other guys.
Speaker 3:K. Let's listen. Okay. What did you think of Honey?
Speaker 1:It was cute. It was cute. We're all so tired.
Speaker 3:Okay. The last song of the night. You have been excited because it also features Sabrina Carpenter. You wanna read us that one then? Yeah.
Speaker 3:This is the title track. So the song is called Life of a Showgirl.
Speaker 4:Her name was Kitty, made her money being pretty and witty. They gave her the keys to the city, and then they said she didn't do it legitimately. I bought a ticket. She's dancing in her garters and fishnets. 50 in the cast, zero missteps.
Speaker 4:Looking back, I guess it was kiss met kiss met, and then it just does the chorus. Okay.
Speaker 3:What are thinking about? Like, the way mentors are talking to her, not mentoring like, the people who have gone before her not necessarily accepting her, much less welcoming her or supporting her. But then when she outlast them, everyone's just waiting for it to fail except not. Like, she's not. She's still here.
Speaker 3:Okay. Let's listen. Okay. That was the whole album. New vibe, new songs we're just getting exposed to.
Speaker 3:Do we like the album? Do we not? Is it worth keeping our tickets to go see the show tomorrow?
Speaker 1:Yes. Although I do not like some, like the show girl song. Actually love them but the last
Speaker 4:song. I like I have to
Speaker 1:pee. I mean, compared to the compared to the ugly one, I definitely like I forgot what it's called. But I like the I think it's the good one better. I can't even.
Speaker 3:Oh my goodness.
Speaker 1:Like Opalite, oh yeah that one, and it'll come back to me
Speaker 4:tomorrow after I watch the show.
Speaker 3:We are so tired because we have been sick and we have stayed up late to listen and for us listening to new music is really really hard. So it's like three fatigues, the end of the day, the end of the week, which so four. The end of the day, the end of the week, being sick ish
Speaker 1:We end up my ears.
Speaker 3:And new songs for our ears. It's a lot to ask of us. It's a lot of our brain. We have some brain fatigue. Like, I think
Speaker 1:having implants, they go like, most people just go through their ears, but I think my implants actually go to our veins, and remember correctly the surgery because I don't remember exactly all the details, I was like seven, eight when I did my implants, so like I was pretty young. But I remember him talking about how like, if I wasn't careful with magnets, then they could like potentially ruin my skull and my brain, like if I moved up too many sizes, well if it was, if the magnet was like too like strong it could do a lot of damage to my skull.
Speaker 3:Yeah, me auditory processing fatigue is a lot too. So like we are not just sleepy, we are sickly and sleepy and worn out and auditory processing fatigue. It's a lot, we'll have to listen. The one thing I will say that is a challenge for me is that there's some kind of clap track sounds on some of them and those are really hard for my ears. I really really don't like that sound in my cochlear implants and so I don't know if I will like those songs as much or if I'll get used to them.
Speaker 3:But for our first try going through it everyone else probably listened to let me see.
Speaker 1:At first, I really hated, chicken off because it was so fast and I could just not understand what she was saying, But then as I got, like, used to it, I liked it better, but I personally prefer the original Shake It Off to Taylor's version. So, like, when she bought off her album back, I read the original Shake It Off kind of like, other than the version I know. Like I grew up listening to Shake It Off and They Belong With Me, Mary Song, 22, and White Clip. I just grew up listening to those sort of like songs I know from like The Hush.
Speaker 3:So everyone else could listen to this album in about forty five minutes or less. I think it's forty one minutes long. But it took us over an hour and a half to be able to study the lyrics, talk about what they meant, and then actually listen to the song and then talk about what we heard. Like not just because we were recording for a podcast but literally it's that much work for our ears to learn new music. Okay tomorrow night we are going
Speaker 1:If did not
Speaker 3:make ourselves sick staying up so late we will be going to the show tomorrow night to see the film about the life of a showgirl. It may be helpful because she said she will share behind the scenes information.
Speaker 1:I also think that, like, now that we know the cons a little bit, we'll be able to understand that a little bit more than if we just gone in blind.
Speaker 3:Or deaf. Goodnight Kirster. Thank you for playing at our party with us. It was such a late night. Okay, good night everybody.
Speaker 1:Good night.
Speaker 2:This conversation is continued on the next episode. Thank you so much for listening to us and for all of your support for the podcast, our books, and them being donated to survivors and the community. It means so much to us as we try to create something that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing. One of the ways we practice this is in community together.
Speaker 2:The link for the community is in the show notes. We look forward to seeing you there while we practice caring for ourselves, caring for our family, and participating with those who also care for community. And remember, I'm just a human, not a therapist for the community, and not there for dating, and not there to be shiny happy. Less shiny, actually. I'm there to heal too.
Speaker 2:Being human together. So, sometimes we'll see you there.