A Mason's Work

Most people who rush to solve didn't develop that habit in a vacuum. They were rewarded for it. As a kid, solving problems earned approval. That approval got attached to identity. Now, when a friend brings you a difficulty, the pattern fires automatically — not because it's the right response, but because it's the one that historically got you the treat. That's not a character flaw. It's a trained

Show Notes

Most people who rush to solve didn't develop that habit in a vacuum. They were rewarded for it. As a kid, solving problems earned approval. That approval got attached to identity. Now, when a friend brings you a difficulty, the pattern fires automatically — not because it's the right response, but because it's the one that historically got you the treat. That's not a character flaw. It's a trained behavior worth examining.

The deeper problem is the feedback loop it creates. When you give someone the answer, they learn nothing from the experience. But it also reinforces something unhelpful in you: that your value in the relationship is tied to your ability to resolve their problems. Both people lose. The one with the problem loses agency and the growth that comes from working through something difficult. The solver loses the chance to be present in a more honest and durable way.

Brian walks through what it looks like to interrupt that autopilot — not by suppressing care, but by redirecting attention. Instead of biting on the problem itself, the practice is to feel into the person sharing it: the trust they're extending, the safety they feel in bringing it to you, the relatedness in the room. That shift in attention changes everything about how the conversation can go. And it preserves the relationship when the advice doesn't get taken.

  • How problem-solving ability gets wired into personal identity early in life
  • Why giving the answer costs the other person the lesson and costs you the relationship
  • The autopilot patterns that run beneath conscious intention
  • What happens to connection when unsolicited advice goes unheeded
  • Shifting attention from the problem to the person and the relationship itself

Separating your sense of worth from your ability to fix things is not a loss — it's what makes genuinely useful presence possible.

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Creators and Guests

Host
Brian Mattocks
Host and Founder of A Mason's Work - a podcast designed to help you use symbolism to grow. He's been working in the craft for over a decade and served as WM, trustee, and sat in every appointed chair in a lodge - at least once :D

What is A Mason's Work?

In this show we discuss the practical applications of masonic symbolism and how the working tools can be used to better yourself, your family, your lodge, and your community. We help good freemasons become better men through honest self development. We talk quite a bit about mental health and men's issues related to emotional and intellectual growth as well.

[00:00] it's not your fault.
[00:03] You very likely grew up in an environment where they rewarded you for being able to solve problems.
[00:13] And in the process of being able to solve problems,
[00:17] you attached some of your value as a person to that capacity.
[00:23] So when your friend comes to you with a problem,
[00:27] you go into the pattern of trying to be the person who solves problems,
[00:34] because that's how you got your treat when you were a kid.
[00:39] It may be how you get your treat now,
[00:42] where you are this crucial figure in someone's life,
[00:48] and your ability to help solve their problems is how you feel good as a person.
[00:57] This is not uncommon.
[01:00] It's something that I think a lot of us struggle with.
[01:05] And in the process of being able to separate yourself from that need in you,
[01:13] you begin to gain the ability to meaningfully help others.
[01:19] See, here's the thing with a lot of this stuff when it comes to helping other people.
[01:25] If we give them the solution, they learn nothing.
[01:30] If we give them the solution because that's what makes you feel good as a person,
[01:35] not only do they not learn anything,
[01:39] you're feeding the wrong behavior in yourself.
[01:43] This is why it becomes vitally important to understand that every opportunity that presents itself,
[01:49] every struggle in your own life,
[01:51] every struggle brought to you and presented to you on a platter by a friend or a loved one
[01:58] is an opportunity to work your own stone.
[02:03] How do I respond to this?
[02:05] Do I satisfy my own ego and give them the answer?
[02:11] Do I satisfy my own discomfort with their struggle and make it go away?
[02:19] Do I cement my relationship as the person who solves problems at their expense,
[02:28] at their loss of autonomy and agency and capacity?
[02:31] Do I have a question?
[02:35] This understanding, this knowledge that the things that happen and arise in our everyday life
[02:40] are the work and how we interact with others and how we consider their work in our own space
[02:50] is its own opportunity for additional work is very, very challenging
[02:56] because you don't really understand.
[02:59] Oftentimes, your behavior is on autopilot.
[03:04] You are working with a pattern of stuff that you're bringing to the table from years and years and years ago.
[03:11] And here's the thing, like, helping feels good.
[03:16] We're told it's good.
[03:18] You were literally taught to share and help other people with their problems
[03:24] and do all of these things in your upbringing.
[03:27] Okay.
[03:29] So how do you deprogram that without losing the essence of compassion,
[03:34] without losing the essence of what it means to work with others and yet not fix it for them?
[03:43] We'll get to more of this as we talk.
[03:49] But the first thing that we want to be mindful of is when we hear a problem,
[03:57] feel deeply into the problem itself, not the solve.
[04:05] Feel deeply into the person who's expressing this to you, the safety that they feel in sharing their issue with you.
[04:17] Feel deeply into the relatedness itself rather than biting on the problem.
[04:27] Because if you take that bait, you will walk down a path of solving the problem,
[04:33] and it will lead you to another meaningful challenge.
[04:40] We talk about this too, because if you give somebody a solution to a problem,
[04:47] and they don't act on it, what happens to the relationship then?
[04:55] Think about your own behavior here.
[04:58] Think about the times where you had somebody give you well-meaning advice,
[05:02] but you couldn't follow it.
[05:04] And then they got mad at you.
[05:05] The emotional content increased, not decreased.
[05:09] The relatedness decreased.
[05:11] The separation increased.
[05:14] What we're trying to do here as fellow people working in the quarry,
[05:19] working on ourselves, working on our own stuff,
[05:21] is to be close to each other with our work, not separate.
[05:25] And we'll talk more about that in tomorrow's episode.