Relationships of authenticity and love (S9E2)

Show Notes

Tap to send me your reflections ♡

"In any relationship, the outcome of highest service to each other - and the world around us - is authenticity and love. If we stifle one, the other is likely to falter."

This phrase landed fully formed in my head in the middle of the night. 

I scrabbled for my phone to hold onto the words, lest they did what most midnight thoughts do… and drifted away or morphed into something unintelligible. 

Since then I’ve been reflecting on this and, well, it still feels true. 

It’s inspired this podcast episode and I reached out to my Instagram community to help shape where the episode goes. 

I asked some questions, and received some wonderful answers - some of which I share in the episode.

• Does this feel true to you too? Or does it feel untrue?
• Does it feel possible that we can always show up as ourselves with a compassionate heart? Or does ‘always’ just feel impossible?

There are so many different types of relationships we all have with so many different people. And I'm deeply aware that it doesn't always feel possible to stand in that place of authenticity and love - and that part of doing so means having clear boundaries that enable us to be fully present and compassionate and stay safe (in whatever way is needed).

I'd love to hear your thoughts x

Support the show

***

A piece of quiet
Your weekly pause - a calming relaxation practice, every Wednesday. A few minutes to settle, a few minutes to write. First aid for the soul.
Join here - use the code PEACE for 20% off your first year

Let’s stay connected
Sign up to hear more - and only receive what speaks to you.
Join the list here

everyday ♡ compassion
Tiny reminders of self-love and presence, delivered three times a week.
Subscribe here

Free Events & Small Group Courses
Explore the power of Flow Journaling, self-compassion and gentle change in a supportive space.
See what’s on

Solo Retreats at Bach Brook
Rest, reflect and reconnect – fully supported in a place of deep natural beauty.
Retreat with me

Books, Journaling Resources & Self-paced Courses
Explore tools for inner connection and compassionate growth.
Visit the library

Free 20-minute Call
Explore whether coaching could support what’s calling for change.
...

★ Support this podcast ★

What is the Henny Flynn podcast?

A space to settle in and listen, and see where the episode takes you. This inspiring, reflective podcast is an invitation to travel deeper, with compassionate self-enquiry.

Henny shares insights from her own life, alongside practices that help us connect with our inner wisdom, explore our relationship with change and find a greater sense of flow. Henny believes we all hold our own answers, so there are no one-size-fits-all solutions here. This is a space to be with what’s true for you, and to grow from there.

If you’re drawn to slowing down, listening in, and exploring what it means to live with greater authenticity, this podcast is for you. Guided by psychology, mindfulness, therapeutic coaching, flow journaling, and everyday compassion, we explore ideas that help us step further into our inner worlds, in order to shape the changes we seek in our outer worlds.

And even then, my sense is that when we show up with authenticity, and love, then we are allowing ourselves to be of the highest service to the other person to ourselves. And that that has a ripple effect out in the world around us. Welcome to season nine of the podcast that's all about deepening our self awareness with profound self compassion.

I'm Henny, I write coach and speak about how making changes in our inner world can transform how we experience our outer world, all founded on a bedrock of self love. Settle in and listen and see where the episode takes you.

It's raining quite heavily outside, you might be able to hear it pattering on the slates of the roof, where I'm sitting in my stable still, as yet unfinished. The great saga of the plastering continues, anyway, I am snug and safe. And I hope that you are too in these early days of the new year. And, and I hope that things are beginning to shape into what it is that you want from 2023, or that your heart desires from 2023. The word one, so it's a funny one, isn't it? It implies lack when we want for something, we are basically saying that we lack it. So I think there's, I mean, this isn't what I was going to talk about today at all, actually. But you know, hey, here we are. So when we say I want something, we're actually saying I lack this thing.

Whereas if we say I'm moving toward this thing, or there's something about this thing that is really drawing my attention, or I want to welcome this thing I noticed that wasn't there, I am welcoming this thing into my life, it seems to set a much stronger foundation for us receiving what it is that our heart desires. So I hope that whatever your heart desires, is beginning to show for you in some way, maybe even just in the sense of some clarity around what it is that you wish to move toward, during the coming months and weeks and days. So this episode today might be quite a short one, actually. But let's see where we go with it. I have called it relationships of authenticity and love. And oh my goodness, that's an enormous topic, isn't it. And we could go off in so many different directions with it. But where I want to begin, and I have a sense, we're going to return to this. At other points, maybe in this season or future seasons of the podcast. Where I want to begin with it is with a phrase that I actually shared on Instagram a little while ago, it was something that landed fully formed in my head. And as often happens, I had to scramble for my phone and capture it before it flitted away and you know, found a different home. And the phrase is, in any relationship, the outcome of highest service to each other, and the world around us is authenticity and love. If we stifle one, the other is likely to falter. Now after I wrote it, I reflected on it. You know, is that true is Is it true that when we stifle authenticity, then it's hard to love or to be loved. And vice versa. If we stifle love, if we stifle that, what I believe is fundamental human desire to love and to be loved. Then do we stifle our authenticity and a counter conclusion that the answer is yes. So the premise that, in any relationship, the outcome of highest service to each other, and to the world around us, is authenticity, and love. And that it is by nourishing each of those, that we are better able to show up fully in whatever relationship were participating in. It doesn't necessarily mean it's a, you know, a physical partnership, or marriage or, or a connection between two individuals, that has a physical intimacy within it, it could be a relationship in the sense of friendship, it could be a relationship in the sense of the person that you talk to, when you buy your coffee in the morning, or you go and get your loaf of bread, your pint of milk, you know, if you eat, drink those things like whatever your kind of daily needs are the person who helps provide those for you. So it might not even be someone who you have that direct and intimate connection with, it could be someone who's an acquaintance. And even then, my sense is that when we show up with authenticity, and love, then we are allowing ourselves to be of the highest service to the other person, to ourselves, and that that has a ripple effect out in the world around us. And I'm mindful that this sense of showing up with love to people that we don't know, you know, that can feel a bit uncomfortable, actually, because for many of us that word love has got so many layers of meaning. But if we think of love as being the purity of human compassion, seeing others, as we wish to be seen ourselves, then for me, that is an expression of love. And, you know, sometimes we have those moments don't we were, I don't know, you might be in the supermarket, or you're buying a ticket at the cinema, or you brush past somebody on the street, and you get those, gosh, those exquisite moments of connection, where you really look someone else in the eye, and they really look you in the eye. And you're able to fully see that person, as another soul making their way in this complex, and many faceted adventure of life. And so often, I think we restrict ourselves from having those moments of intimacy of use that word intimacy a lot, actually, I've just realised, so maybe there's something here about authenticity and love is actually what enables us to create intimacy with another person, but intimacy with boundaries, intimacy, where we're not giving the whole of ourselves away, we are able to stand really fully and resplendent in our own space, and acknowledge and honour that the other, whoever that other person is, is also standing fully and resplendent in their own space. And we're able to see each other with the absolute clarity. Like I said, that we hope others see us. So when I shared this phrase, and I didn't go into such detail as that when I shared on Instagram, because there is a limit to the number of words.

What I wrote was just a little bit about how I had reflected on it, and that it was still feeling true 24 hours after it first landed, and you know, when I actually shared it, and I invited people to share their thoughts. And I asked, Does this feel true to you too, or does it feel untrue? And I posed the question, Does it feel possible that we can always show up as ourselves with a compassionate heart or Does always just feel impossible. So there were a couple of responses that I'd really love to share with you, that felt really resonant for me. And when I put these questions out and asked my lovely people that I'm connected with on Instagram, and if that doesn't include you, then please do come and find me it's Henny underscore Flynn. I raise the fact that there are so many different types of relationships that we have with so many different people, like I just said, you know, these different ways that we have of connecting with people. And so I asked, you know, when we think about this concept of showing up with authenticity and love, how does that feel possible in terms of the breadth of those relationships. And I shared that I was going to talk about this in a podcast episode. And Tara, here I am. So Sarah, sad, I can't wait to listen to this podcast. It resonates, feels true. I love this point that she makes the compassionate heart comes and goes, which is the challenge. And oh my goodness me. I mean, Ram Dass talks about this a lot, that this kind of state of being, you know, the state of being where we feel as though we are truly grounded in ourself, you know, we have that perhaps that sense of spiritual connection, that's a big part of what he talks about. Or in the context of this, in the context of what Sara's talking about, we have that really compassionate heart that softness inside. And that can come and go. And really, for me, that is the work the work is seeing the times when it drifts and then seeing how can we bring ourselves back into that place of the compassionate heart. And Sarah says, I look back with regret, when I know I've acted with a less than fully compassionate heart. She says we have the choice. The challenge is to decide to act with love and authenticity as much as possible, I find that it is easiest to do when there is trust established with the other person. And I think that's such a beautiful point, and really kind of speaks to how, in the relationships that we have with people where there's this ongoing connection. Trust is such a core foundation. And so many of us learn through experiences in our life, that not everyone is to be trusted, or that we can't trust anyone, or that it takes a long time to build trust. You know, trust is it's an incredibly credibly strong value, as well, for so many of us that if that sense of trust feels like it has been compromised in some way, then we can find ourselves acting out of alignment with who we are, it can also create a really strong sense of tension. I see this a lot with clients, particularly in the workplace, or in the most intimate relationships if trust has been compromised in some way, it can really make the whole of their connection with the other individual or individuals feel very unstable.

And I suppose, you know, the thing that's kind of coming up for me here, as I'm sitting here fully in my most compassionate heart, which, like I said, can come and go. I think the challenge then is how can we learn how to bring that love and authenticity, even when we sense that trust is not present. And that can feel like such an impossible ask, particularly when we've been badly hurt in the past by that personal or by others. And yet, I think this is also partly where boundaries come in. So when we have a strong sense of self when we have a strong sense of how we hold and care for our own needs.

And we're able to really hold that protective space around us, I say protective, in its most positive sense, not in a sense that doesn't allow other people in, but in a sense that holds us safe, then, then I think there can come a place in our life, where even those whom we have learned not to trust can be seen with love and authenticity. And that doesn't mean giving our power over to that other person, it doesn't mean becoming, you know, foolhardy, and losing our sense of self, by, you know, sort of falling into behaviour that doesn't actually serve us, but it simply means simply Haha, what simple, but anyway, it simply means being able to observe them, even when their behaviour feels so out of alignment with what feels okay for us. Still being able to see them with love, and, and with authenticity. I mean, that, gosh, that's such a massive thing. I would love to hear what you think about that, actually.

It feels like, it feels like that would be a really gorgeous conversation to have, perhaps with someone like Susan McCauley, who I'm really keen to get back on the show for this season, she and I've been messaging each other again, about what we might talk about, feels like this could be a really lovely topic to having conversation with someone and I'd love to hear your reflections on how possible does it feel, to be in relationship with someone and to be able to express love and authenticity, even when trust isn't present.

So gosh, thank you, Sarah, for sharing your thoughts and enriching this exploration so beautifully. And then Saran commented as well. And she said, what I've observed, observed, even in my own life is the more I lean into being authentically me, the more everything else works in my life, and vice versa. That's love and relationships and business, and well, everything. And I would echo that Saran and I have talked about this at various points, and the time that we've known each other and I was really, I was really grateful when she shared this thought, because I think that when I reflect on my own work my own business, I know that when I'm really authentic, when I'm fully myself, when I'm absolutely in alignment with what feels right to me, then everything works.

Everything flows, things just feel like they are coming one from the other from the other.

When I am trying to be something other than who I really am, then things feel stuck. Things falter. And a my ongoing process is recognising when something feels stuck, and pulling myself back and going. Okay, so what is out of alignment? What am I trying? What am I wanting here that isn't really aligned with what feels most true for me.

And, and this sort of comes to, you know, the fact that like, everything that I do is in service. That's my that's my purpose. My purpose is to gather love and knowledge and share.

And I've shared that before I think on the podcast that that feels deeply true for me. And when it becomes about something else, then then yeah, things just don't feel right. So I love I love that point for us, Ron and I again, I'd love to hear what that means for you this idea of being authentically yourself and when you are what do you notice in your own life?

Does everything seem to work much more clearly? And then the question that comes up then is how to keep finding our way back to being authentically, ourself.

And I suppose that is the kind of overarching question that wraps around this whole topic for this episode. And then there was one last thought that I wanted to share on this, which is that, again, when I was kind of making the notes for this episode, one of the thoughts I had is that I think we're often subconsciously, not consciously, we're often subconsciously taught that withholding a part of us from someone is what adults do. And by that, I mean, you know, we're, we're often taught not to trust actually coming back to Sarah's point.

Whether because our caregivers believe that that's going to protect us. And of course, you know, in the sense of, as we're growing up, when we're very young, you know, we have to learn like, who is safe, who is not safe. And that message can sometimes, like, get carried along with us as we grow into our adulthood. And we can move into life into this sort of adult life, feeling that that's how we have to behave in order to protect ourselves. And, and it can become confused with, that's how adults behave inverted commas around the word adult. And I just wonder whether there's something here that might be connected to the idea of the artificial grown up, which was previous podcast episode, which had loads of comments had so many responses from people and in fact, still get them where people write, to me to say, this has arisen for me, it feels like the artificial grown up is sort of showing up in my life. So this idea of being taught to withhold our trust being taught to withhold our authenticity, being taught to withhold our love being part of this, the kind of pattern of adulthood that we can learn from the adults around us as we're growing up. My feeling is, that can be something that we can also unlearn. And actually, that's when we come into our true adult self. And so we move away from this artificial grown up nurse into our true adult self. Because when we're in our true adult self, we're making choices and decisions purely based on our own experience of the world, and not on the experiences that we have inherited, or been given by those around us. So I see this exploration of being in relationship with authenticity and love, wherever that relationship might be. It offers an opportunity to see this life as a practice ground for showing up in the way that we most want to, you know, it's always a choice. Back to Sara's point, we have the choice, the challenge is to decide to act with love and authenticity as much as possible. And it's a challenge that I personally want to embrace or an opportunity even, that I want to embrace and and I do. I'm also mindful that at times it can feel very hard, you know, and sometimes I'll be in a situation and I'll be mindlessly judgmental about somebody, for example, someone that I don't even know, I could throw out a comment that is judgmental, and and so that's also very, very human. And, and I don't think this is about then judging ourselves. Have for behaving in ways that don't demonstrate love and authenticity or the time, I think it's always, always always about noticing what is happening. And using that experience of noticing, to bring ourselves back into this place where our boundaries are fully surrounding us. And we can bring ourselves back into this place of calm and compassion. And through that, then are able to express ourselves in relationship with others with authenticity and love, whoever the other person may be.

And sometimes that means really telling our truth. But we do it in such a way, that it's not about antagonistic confrontation, it's about really expressing ourselves. Or we do it in such a way that even in the most mundane of day to day, situations, we're able to shine a light upon that person and receive the light that they shine upon us to. So, yeah, again, I mean, gosh, what a big topic. And you know, something that has been written about for 1000s of years. This isn't new, but hopefully, it has sparked some thoughts for you. And I would really, really love to hear your thoughts about it. So yeah, share them with me. And if you're not yet on the mailing list, then come and join. Just come to Henny flynn.co.uk. And sign up there. Or you can always email me and I'll just get you added to the list, which is Henny at Henny flynn.co.uk. And if there's anything here that you want to explore more fully for yourself, then you know do make contact with me. And let's see if working together is something that helps you perhaps disentangle some of the thoughts, feelings, responses that you have in your inner life that will enable you to experience your external life in a way that feels even more in alignment with who you truly are. So my darlings, thank you so much for being here. As always, it's just an absolute joy to sit in this space in this rain and chat with you. I sent you a hug