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home is a place. a people. a memory. a home with open doors to those who need them, 1471 Thomas Sloane Avenue, better known as Laurie's House, is, has been, will be a place of becoming. but it is too late. 1471 Thomas Sloane Avenue, Laurie's House, is gone.
// Laurie's House is a TTRPG Actual Play, produced by tendervicious studios. Using The Home We Remember as its system, Laurie's House tells a tale of memory, identity, and community.
Hamnah: Welcome and thank you for listening to Laurie’s House! Laurie’s House is a Home We Remember Actual Play produced by tendervicious studios, a multimedia production studio that creates experimental shows with intent. We aim to challenge and redefine what is possible across mediums. Laurie’s House features Cai Kagawa as the Architect; Gwendolyn Kelly, Hamnah Shahid, and Amir or Nada Alami as the players; Sea Thomas as the dramaturg; Jordon Moses as the podcast editor; and Lexi McQueen as the theme composer.
Hamnah: This episode of Laurie’s House would not be possible without our sponsors, Frivolous Bear Studios and Blackbird Revolt.
Frivolous Bear Studios is a new gaming studio focusing on tabletop roleplaying games that tell untold stories and uplift marginalized voices. The studio is currently accepting pitches for tabletop roleplaying games and other gaming experiences, as well as interest from artists, editors, and designers. Go to FrivolousBearStudios.com to submit your pitch or to express interest for creative work!
Blackbird Revolt is an abolitionist design studio creating designs that shift culture and build power. Through design, they aim to inspire people to engage in activism and movement work. Check out BlackbirdRevolt.com to hire them for graphic design and video production, and to buy their art!
Thank you so much to Frivolous Bear Studios and Blackbird Revolt for supporting our show. We hope you’ll join us in giving love back to our sponsors, so we can all continue to make weird, experimental art. Without further ado, let’s walk together into Laurie’s House.
Hamnah: Content warnings for this episode of Laurie’s House include large bodies of water, descriptions of food, complex and complicated relationships, flirting, refernces to sex, romance, birds, snakes, blood, fire and burning. Please take care of yourself while listening and thank you for Going There with us.
Episode 9, TOGETHER.
Hamnah: Take a step forward. Walk into a different room. A different building. A different part of town. Look around you. Where are you? When are you?
Memories are not perfect snapshots of places, people, emotions, experiences. They are paintings, recreated every time we step foot into the past. The act of remembering is a rewriting of our personal histories coloured by the moment we’re in, by who we are right now.
Memories are held in places. In rooms. In buildings. In parts of town important to us. Time is a place you find. When you find it, you remember. You rewrite. You erase. You relive.
What story will you tell about yourself? And how many times will you tell it?
Cai: White, weightless flakes fall around the door to Laurie's house, framing the colorful wood in a cheerful dusting of snow. The stairs leading up to the door descend below the frozen surface of the lake to the street down there, somewhere in the depths. The door is cracked a little, and warmth rolls out like a pleasant summer day, and all the love baked into an oven. Eira, Deen, and Dione, welcome home.
Eira, what perfectly mundane memory greets you?
Hamnah: Standing outside the door to Laurie's house, with snow falling on them, Eira doesn't shiver. When the snow hits their body, it almost melts off. As it touches Eira's hot skin, and they reach forward and open the front door to Laurie's house and they step out of their bedroom on the third floor of the house and head down the stairs to find practically the entire town here. There's Theo as always, there is Pascal, there's Aspen,there is Deen and Dione and so many other members of the community, and everyone seems to have congregated here today in the community room.
Cai: Dione, What smell wafts from the kitchen?
Gwen: Just a hint of salt, but more overpowering is the bittersweet scent of chocolate. Someone has actually taken up one of the recipe cards that she's left. A very simple one. It's just chocolate popcorn. Almost anyone can make it. Theo could make it. Aspen could make it. Maybe Eira could even make it. And (for) once she's not the one making it but the smell is there's something nostalgic about it i think there's something nostalgic about it for everyone.
Cai: And Deen, what have you most recently adjusted in the community room that makes you happy?
Amir/Nada: There has been a drafty window, I think the whole house has them and sometimes the windows are just warped and the wood... rots a little, but they managed to recall a single window in full. It still makes noise. It doesn't glide, but it is at least a full seal and Deen's gloves on their hip are like coated in dust and like rubber and they smell of it too, but they give themself one full body shake and it as if everything, like all the worries, all the stress in their joints in their heart, is gone and also there's a cloud of like rubber just like circling where they shook themself like a dog.
Cai: The murmur of voices around the room keep very low, not out of any desire to listen to other people or hear any music, but just to be comfortable in each other's space, and the conversations are mostly pleasant and light, and that sweet smell that permeates everything of chocolate seems to fill the whole room.
Dione, Deen, and Eira, along the hallway wall are photographs of all eras from Laurie's house. What photo on the wall catches your eye as you enjoy this day?
Amir/Nada: Actually Deen gets surprised by, I think, the only picture everyone thought was like funny enough to share. They normally keep it in their wallet. It's a really small wallet size photo of a baby Deen and a lion onesie. And it is attached ah to a bottom corner of like the house and full of a separate photo. It is supplementary. But that Deen looks nothing like this Deenn. It in fact probably startles them because it doesn't look anything like them at all it's like seeing just a baby that's cute but there's no there's almost no- like, no attachment no recognition beyond that but it still makes them smile.
Gwen: Dione, there is a moment of going over pictures of Terra, of Theia, of Laurie, even. But there's one that she doesn't remember happening. A candid photo, even, of the three of them herself, Eira, Deen, Aspen's also there. A rare moment where all of them are smiling, enjoying each other's company, all of them. A rare moment of Dione's eyes actually shining.
Hamnah: When Eira looks at the photo wall, the first thing that catches their eye is Laurie's voice. It's a photo that allegedly was taken the day before Laurie passed away. And it is just of the house inside of it.Of the community room, and you can see the kitchen partially off to the side. You can see into it. And just off, if you squint hard enough, you can see the backyard in the back. And if you look up, you can see the bedrooms upstairs. You can see up to even what used to be Laurie and Theo's room, to that balcony that hangs over the backyard. You can see it all, and there's not a single soul in the pictures, but it is decorated from head to toe with a singular person's voice, and that is Laurie's. And if you look at it, you can hear Laurie's voice, Laurie's laugh, her footsteps as she walks around the house, opens doors, closes...closes them.
Cai: Eira, this picture, this window, this laughter used to sit in a book. Next to it, windows into other moments. A hand passes over them. Theo, looking at that picture. Smiling, a warm smile ear to ear. Hearing the footsteps around the house. Tell me Eira, all of the pictures: what do you see when you see them all in a book?
Hamnah: Eira with this book laid out in their lap. And as they flip through its pages, they see a time capsule. They see this town, this house. Before Eira had ever even stepped foot here, had even heard of this place. And it's like taking a step forward and taking a step back in time.
Cai: As you take your step back in time, Eira, will you please pull a card for me?
Hamnah: What deck shall I pull from?
Cai: I think that this is a major arcana pull, if you don't mind.
Hamnah: I have pulled the Priestess, which in most texts is the High Priestess.
Cai: Eira, what aspect of your true self is your inner voice guiding you to embrace? Or, what facade do you put on to oppress your inner voice?
Hamnah: The sound of laughter fills the room, fills the community room in Laurie's house. Eira is sitting in a beanbag chair off to the side, relaxed and they can hear the intermingling of different voices as people are embroiled in conversation, the slight raising of a voice as a silly argument breaks out about something completely inconsequential... and eventually dies down. There's the sound of clattering of plates as snacks and food are distributed- brought from the kitchen over to this room where everybody is spending time together and it all just quiets down. The volume on the room is turned down and Eira sits there on the beanbag chair with a photo album in hand looking at everyone. Just looking. Quietly.
Cai: "That one." Theo leans over, having been enjoying the chaos around them, but also peering ever so curiously over Eira's shoulder at these photos, at these windows, at these moments.
Hamnah: "That one? what about it?"
Cai: And as his fingers contact the page you see the picture of a woman. She is sitting in the backyard among the protest sings that she painted and left to dry. She's a tall black woman seated, working diligently with her hair wrapped. She wears wide leg overalls and a white shirt covered in paint, with the sleeves rolled up. Behind her the signs read "End nuclear war now." "Act now for peace." "No nukes"
"Well, she's as much a part of this house as anything"
Hamnah: And Eira's looks up over their shoulder at Theo, who is looming over them and smiles softly up at him. Looks back down at thisd photograph of a woman they don't recognize, that they;ve never met before, but one that clearly Theo and perhaps other people in this house right now do. And they examine the photograph, the edges of it. The protest signs, the fabric of the clothes all of it, the little details. And their hand thumbs over the photograph: What was her name?
Hamnah
And they examine the photograph, the edges of it, the protest signs, the fabric of the clothes, all of the little details and their hand thumbs over the photograph. What was her name?
Cai: "Millie. She was Laurie's sister."
Hamnah: "I didn't know Laurie had a sister." Eira thinks kind of absentmindedly as they turn the page and in the beanbag chair where Eira had sat, they kind of scooch over slightly to give Theo some room to come and sit next to them as well.
Cai: With their slight frame, Theo comes and sits at the end of the sofa directly next to Eira, and their legs just kind of dangle over the edge, his feet barely touching the ground, but there's enough room to rest the other side of the photo album there. And as the page turns, he just starts laughing.
"There's a rascal" and on the page is a photo of a bulldog wearing a scarf, like a beautiful model. And his tongue is out and he is just laid out on the familiar hardwood floor.
Hamnah: Eira looks curiously at the of, are you a dog person? Is this yours?
Cai: "Ah No, Bowser was sort of everyone's, mostly Ernan's. Here." And across on the opposite side is a photo of a rather lithe brown-skinned man sitting in a lawn chair in the backyard. um And he is laughing and holding ah a very old-style can of beer with the pull tab and wearing sandals and mismatched clothes.
Hamnah: And Eira sees this dog, this man, looking back at people that have walked through this house long before Eira had ever even heard of its existence, long before their road trip where somewhere on a gas station in the middle of nowhere, an offhanded comment from a stranger that there's a place that you could go if you really needed somewhere to stay. And Eira flips the page and says quietly, softly, "You've taken care of a lot of people in your time here."
Cai: "Oh, well this was when it was still just Laurie's. You see, um, she passed on more than just all of this. All she wanted was this place to be a home for everyone."
Hamnah: And Eira pauses, with their hands still, as they hold the book on one side, the other side resting on Theo, and they look up to Theo, look up at Theo.
Cai: And he has a warm, welcoming smile like uncovered windows as he looks at Eira, an open door. You can see written clearly on his face, not only the age of the house and the absence of these people that you've never seen another photo of in this book, absence of the people who built parts of this house. And still an open door for more to come in. An endless bounty of love.
Hamnah: I think you've upheld what Laurie wanted very well. You've made a home for so many people and, well, you've made a home for me.
Cai: Big toothy smile now. "That means a lot. And, well, when someone one comes in need of a home, I'm happy to give it, because they bring life to this place like you."
Hamnah: And Eira smiles and their one hand moves over across the photo album to hold Theo's gently. "I didn't really think that I would have a home. When I got here it was supposed to just be a stop, a temporary respite before I went somewhere. I'm not really quite sure where but...you are the first reason that I stayed."
Cai: "I came here with a similar wandering in my feet. And it means a lot to be more than just a waypost. You are welcome to come and go, but we will always be here for you. The house will always be here for you, Eira." He softens further, and you can see at the creases of his very well-earned laugh lines around his eyes, a small bit of tears gather.
Hamnah: And that that comment of 'We will always be here for you' lingers in the air between the two of them and Eira spins it around in their mind, knowing, suspecting that there is truth to it, of course, but that there is also not entirely a truth to it. The weight of that new future that Theo is building with Pascal weighs heavy on Eira's mind and they look at this photo album turning the page and they think about all of the pictures of people that just suddenly stop where you'll see pages and pages of perhaps somebody that stayed here and then all of a sudden they're not in any pictures anymore and Eira thinks about The day that Theo might stop being in these pictures. The day that he decides to move on. And it sits like a stone in the middle of their throat, hot, in an uncharacteristically uncomfortable way. They swallow it down their chest into their stomach, and they look at Theo nervously. "Will you always be here?"
Cai: "Mm, I will do my best to never leave, but time might be the factor there. But," And he looks up and decorated around the community room in the corners are small trinkets of things here and there. And in one corner is a painted parasol, dusty. It was pink at some point and it's all faded now next to a hanging paper lantern and a few other beads and mobiles and things up there. "There are some things in this place, that all I do is see her. She's still here. And, well, the doghouse in the back was the dogs. And every little touch of this place belongs to every person that's ever lived here. You've met Dione, but all of these photographs, while her mother took probably half of them, and she's been gone for some time. I'll never leave on purpose, but you know, I'll still be here."
Hamnah: "Are you happy?"
Cai: "Whoo that's a question coming from someone looking for that but... i found my happiness." and he runs a finger over a ring that he keeps on his index finger for now. " I didn't think i would be again."
Hamnah: Eira nod processing the truth of that sentiment, the truth of that feeling. "I'm really, really am glad that you found each other."
Cai: "Mm, well he found me."
Hamnah: "Well, that Pascal found you. And I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I've been having some difficulties with it all. And I'm really sorry, because I don't think I realized I was being selfish. And I think that you have taken such good care of not only me, but so many people in this house today, yesterday, for years, for decades. Well, I think that it's your turn, right?"
Cai: "I don't expect any anyone to come to change easily. I don't. But... I'm excited for what a new tomorrow looks like for all of us. And I'll be... I'll be a very lucky man. I already am a very lucky man, but... I appreciate... I appreciate how far you've come to welcoming him."
Hamnah: Eira squeezes Theo's hand tightly." Thank you for loving me."
Cai: "You make it easy, Eira." And he takes his free hand and pats yours very gently with the softness of his worn, gentle skin. And you see his attention not leave you, but his ears catch a sound in the next room as coming around the corner in this throng of people just on the periphery. You see Aspen. "Hey. Pascal needs you out back. ah He didn't explain it." "Ah Okay, I'm going."
Hamnah: "Well, duty calls." And Eira, I think, removes their hand from Theo's and sidles over to the side to allow Theo an easier way to get up.
Cai: As they do, Theo plants a pat on your shoulder as well, Eira. Just a gentle one to touch a reminder that you are there and that he holds that very dearly before walking out of the room.
Hamnah: Still feeling that lingering touch, that lingering softness of Theo's hand on their shoulder. Eira flips the page of the photo album and holds it up, like turns it around and holds it up for Aspen to see. "You want to look at some pictures with me?"
Cai: "Oh, uh, sure. Who is that?" And Aspen comes over kind of craning their head a little to the side and they come and they plop down in the sofa right where Theo had been sitting. "Hm...He didn't get you started on us, did he?"
Hamnah: "No, actually I found this on one of the shelves and I figured I've never actually looked through any of them before so," and as Eira is flipping the page one of the pictures catches their eye and they pause and they kind of like squints bring the book closer to their face and then look up at Aspen, squint at Aspen "Wait, is that you?"
Cai "Wha-What?" And you look over this picture of a huge group of people all gathered together ah at the familiar park across the street. The trees are slightly smaller, but it is the middle of summer. It is clearly hot. Everyone is dressed in like runaround summer clothes. And it seems like everyone's wet. You see Theo dressed in really simple t-shirt with lots of sunscreen visibly on his face, on his nose. He's wearing a bucket hat and sandals. And not that many people away from him is Aspen. Young, before they started bleaching their hair, hanging with an arm around another person that you've never seen before, um, who is about their same height.
Hamnah: "How long ago was this?"
Cai: "Oh, God, that is so old. This is, gosh, like 10 years ago, eight years. It's a long time ago."
Hamnah: "Damn, that is... You've clearly lived a life, Aspen!"
Cai: "Oh, no kidding." And you see them kind of put their hand over the picture, specifically over themself and the person they are hanging their arm around.
Hamnah: "Well, hey now!"
Cai: "Ugh"
Hamnah: And Eira like, I think gently prize Aspen's fingers off of the page and notices that they had covered this one person as well. "Okay. Okay. Clearly there's a story here. So,
Cai: "Yeah, the story is Aiden's an asshole."
Hamnah: "Sorry, who's an asshole?"
Cai: "Him." And they point to this other person, a kind of slim, younger man with snake bite piercings and kind of messy, sandy, blonde curly hair. Again, everyone's wet, so it might not always be messy, but in this picture, you can see that the two of them are very, very close. And specifically on Aiden's face, you can see that familiar glow of beard growing in acne. "Yeah, he sucks."
Hamnah: Eira looks at Aspen appraisingly, trying to discern something about this relationship from just the emotion on their face. And they raise an eyebrow and they say "What'd he do?"
Cai: "He decided that corporations were more important than people and that, um well, that fuck everything, I guess."
Hamnah: "Ew"
Cai: "Yeah."
Hamnah: And Eira turns the page. "You know, I'd never would have figured that you'd date somebody like that corporate type?"
Cai: "Listen, they were different when we met and then they just got sucked into work. I don't, I don't know. I don't care. He came out here to change and then I followed him."
Hamnah: "You followed him. So, wait, from where?" And Eira, I think in this moment, looking at Aspen in the photograph and looking at Aspen, the person sitting beside them right now realizes they don't know anything about Aspen's past. They don't know where Aspen's from. They don't know. anything about previous relationships that they've had, their friends, their family, what they've done, where they've been, anything. And for a moment, it's like Eira is sitting next to someone they just met for the first time.
Cai: "I was traveling a lot, you know, a little work here, a little work there. But, um, I dunno, we, we started dating cause it was fun."
Hamnah: And Eira gets a little bit uncomfortable as Aspen says that, hearing the story of this person that Aspen dated, and they kind of awkwardly sidle a little bit away from Aspen, creating distance between them where previously their legs had been touching.
Cai: And Aspen is becoming visibly more and more uncomfortable, not in a way that they seem like they're going to stop the conversation, but just the thought of this person, not only the person that they used to date, but the person that they used to be... Is bringing out an awkwardness to Aspen that you're not, I think, very used to seeing. Aspen enjoys being certain, being steady, knowing the place in the world, in this house, in what they are doing. And they're talking about a time where that was not true.
Hamnah: "Do you always date like that?"
Cai: "Fuck no. I mean, sometimes I do stuff for fun." and they look you over, Eira.
Hamnah: And Eira smirks, and then the smirk quickly disappears as something more serious overtakes their face. "Is this fun for you? Like, actually, like, for for real, is this... Do you like what we do?"
Cai: "I mean, I like what we do. Well, is this-" and they motion to the photo album and the room that you are sitting in in the house that you share sometimes and never. "Is this fun for you?"
Hamnah: "I mean, parts of it, yeah. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't, but I never asked you anything, like about yourself. Did you notice that?"
Cai: "Yes. Yeah. And it's fine if that's what you want, but we're just having fun then."
Hamnah: "Okay, but Aspen, what do you want?"
Cai: A ghost of something else falls over Aspen. A shade of heartache of distance between you, saying it out loud. "Honestly, I would like to get to know you. Ah... No one ever... I like it here and I like you and if you want to know more, just ask."
Hamnah: There is a silence between the two of them that is interrupted only by the sounds of laughter that seems kind of distant now coming from the rest of the room. And after probably much too long, Eira looks up at Aspen "Okay. Okay. Let's, let's start over. Cause I don't, I don't know you and I haven't let you know me. So let's just start over."
Cai: "Do you really want to?"
Hamnah: "Yeah. Yeah, I really do."
Cai: And the words wash over them banishing that shade as they immediately move closer, like they are pulled to you, Eira. "No one's ever said that before."
Hamnah: And Eira leans in just to get closer to Aspen, to feel them, to smell them, to hear them, really and truly for the first time since they have met. "Tell me by yourself over coffee."
Cai: "Okay." And they try and play it casual, but it's a little less casual when they also lean in closer and take a deep breath of your smell, Eira.
Hamnah: And it is just the two of them on this beanbag chair with a photo album splayed between them. Their faces, their bodies, inches, centimeters even away from each other, not making contact, just taking each other in.
Cai: And as you two breeze together. Eira, what aspect of your true self is your inner voice guiding you to embrace? Or what facade do you put on to repress your inner voice?
Hamnah: Eira has silenced them themselves for so long because every time that they would listen to anything inside, all they would hear is screaming, crying, thoughts that they didn't want to look at, didn't want to listen to. But hidden behind all of that, If I'd have deigned to listen long enough, hard enough, really, truly listen. There was a quiet voice asking them, begging them really to just reach out to people, to let somebody, anybody in. To put down roots because what good is a chestnut if it's just laying on the ground? For something to grow, you have to plant it. And so Eira listens. Eira really, really listens to themself and... they plant themself here in Laurie's house in this town, and with the people in it.
Cai: And what on your character sheet changes?
Hamnah: The vintage lighter that Theo gave Eira when they first rolled up to town and realized that they didn't have a lighter. And Eira, dear God, could not live without one. That stays. And I would like to, Architect, lock that in to my character sheet. Nothing changes.
Cai: And what in the house changes?
Hamnah: That wall of photographs in the first floor hallway, all of the photographs spring up and become photo albums, windows, littered together, mixed together. When you open a window, you can pop your head in and look around into a time a beautiful, beautiful time into people and places that are no longer here. And as you look at the different photo albums, you can flip through them, choosing a different... different window to focus on. And so this wall of photographs almost expands the realm of possibility of where you can go, of who you can see and who you can talk to.
Cai: And as these photo albums almost bloom out of the wall, a thousand windows into a thousand places, we see passing pictures of faces we've never seen before. We see Terra holding baby Dione. We see Deen sitting on the back porch just napping, I think maybe just tired and someone snapped a photo with one of the disposable cameras that always lives around the house. We see a dog, a worn old photograph. We see countless pictures of Laurie with people in the community and they bloom and they bloom and they bloom. And we see Deen and Dione. Dione, we push into a photograph of you. Dione, where are you in this photograph?
Gwen: On the front steps of Laurie's house. And Dione is not alone. Dione is there with her sister Theia and with Deen. They were much younger.
Cai: And what are you doing?
Gwen:The three of them are interlocked by yarn in a game of Cat's Cradle, three ways. Hands outstretched, yarn between fingers, so much concentration from the three of them.
Cai: As we push through the frame of the picture and inside, Dione, will you please pull a card for me? I'm going to say this is probably also Major Arcana.
Gwen: I got the moon.
Cai: Dione what illusory part of yourself guides you unsteadily on your path, or what illuminating part of yourself reveals the steady way forward.
Gwen: In this moment, the path is the yarn, as it takes shape on Dione's turn to make the form of what could be considered an opening play in this game. She moves her fingers almost as if she's done this dozens of times already. And as she does... the yarn, now kitchen twine, there is a fondness in the way that she moves as the shape between the three of them turns into a very rough looking chicken. And the thread moves as she remarks. "So remember that time when we were 10-"
Amir/Nada: "So long ago."
Gwen: "And and tweet we tried making dinner for mom and we nearly burnt the kitchen down?"
Cai: "It was so yucky!" And as Theia says that, a young secretary bird's claw goes weeding through the chicken that you've made with string, trying to find the X's that she's supposed to grab, but she can't find them.
Amir/Nada: And Deen's hands have been still throughout this. They were most enraptured by like letting Dione explain: they've never played this game before. But also the twine is like leaving red imprints on them and there's a slight like tremor to their fingers as...as they actually crane their neck back uncharacteristically, they crane their neck back and say. "That was scary. I don't think from this angle I see a chicken, though." They're sort of on the triangle end of all three of us right now.
Gwen: "What? Maybe I'm remembering wrong. What do we make?"
Cai: "Were we trying to make a roast? Oh, I've got it." And Theia goes and grabs what would theoretically be the right spot. But in this moment, it runs it from being a chicken to being a burning roast. As she pulls and pulls, you still have the tension here, Dione. And if you pulled hard enough, it might go back to being a chicken.
Gwen: Dione does pull a bit, causing tension, but it doesn't go back to being a chicken, it just creates a hole in the bottom of the sheet pan that they attempted to make this roast on.
"Right, it, yeah it was bad."
Cai: "You turned the oven up too hot!"
Gwen: "Well, I think I just got the instructions confused because it said to use the broiler setting, but not to the end."
Cai: "I don't understand the difference."
00:58:58.39
Cai: "Oh, Deen, if you grab that one!"
Amir/Nada: And their fingers sort of not pulling away from Dione or Theia, either one of them, but sort of making like a T motion away from both, ah tries to make the hole something else, fix the hole. There's a shape coming around where all of our fingers are bordering something, but Deen only remembers how loud it was when the sheet pan hit the floor, like they jumped and hit their leg on the counter. They forget that they were not allowed to cook. So. "But. We-we there was still time, there was still time after that. Roast, right? Like, I remember us eating something at the at the end of the night, right?"
Gwen: "Yeah, it was the Chinese takeout that mom had to get um after she came back and saw the mess that we made."
Amir/Nada: "Oh okay"
Gwen: "Theia, it's your turn."
Cai: "Oh," and she pulls it and pulls it. And as she does, it shifts into being a bus.
Gwen: "Oh, i how did you do that?"
Cai: "I just grabbed these ones and these ones and see, it's like a bus now."
Amir/Nada: I guess our Deen's fingers are like vibrating now with attention. Those fingers are like wheels hitting the pavement and bumping. And and Deen's like, "Yeah, yeah. I guess ah we made we made a really long box that makes sense. It's not a hole. Where are we? no This is longer ago. I don't remember."
Gwen: "Where? Where are we going?" And Dione's voice shifts a bit in her teenage... "Wait, was I? Wait, I don't remember this. Theia, what was this?"
Cai: And she looks at the bus also older. that time that she bleached her hair into that awful like carrot color and couldn't fix it for days and days and days. And you see in the bus, in her eyes, in the tension that she pulls on the string too hard, that thread out of town, that desire to be somewhere else. "This is from... Never mind," and she lets it go completely.
Amir/Nada: "Oh, you don't have to- Oh."
Gwen: "Oh, uh, you just made it so much harder. um Sorry, I mean, Deen, it's your turn."
Cai: "You know what? Never mind. I'm... I'm going to go."
Gwen: "Whoa, what? What? What?" And Dione, older still, like, shakes her head. "What do you mean you're gonna go?"
Amir/Nada: Older still. "Yeah she said we need three for this game so like... but also our hands are still like there's rope now like coming off like we're still- we're still here you gotta-"
Cai: And Theia stands wearing that same coat that she wore the day she got on the train now, the rope running over both of her hands into her pockets all around her. She is now trying to let go and step away. "We don't need three. Look, at the two of you have it." And as she steps back, you can feel it pull.
Gwen: Dione instinctively tries to wrap the rope around her hands, her fingers, the snake coils
Amir/Nada: Deen's fingers get, like, redder, but also wide at the tips as they are tangled, but they pull on, I think it's Theia's side, but it's also Diani's side. It's not a triangle. It's a... There's a hole in the middle. And there is, like, a dip in the rope where there is slack and Theia seems, I think, farther, but Deen in this moment is not walking away from Dione as they pull on, I think, both. And they just step back and look at Theia in full.
Cai: She's 10. Holding sooty burnt roast still in her hands a little bit, trying to clean it up before anyone notices. And playing Cat's Cradle. And also a thousand miles away at school. Trying to get her law degree, trying to be different. And she slips out entirely from the cat's cradle. "OK, I'm going to see you later!" And she... not callously, but happily skips away.
Gwen: And Dione just stares at nothing, but she hears the flapping of wings getting softer and softer. "Ah-" And she goes to pull out her arms so that the rope isn't so slack anymore,
Amir/Nada: "Ah fuck"
Gwen: But her wingspan isn't wide enough.
Amir/Nada: Deen's fingers are caught again as he pull. Actually, I think beyond them getting white, they, you realize they're not pulling away from you. They look to Theia, but the second place they look to is you.And
Gwen: Always the second place.
Amir/Nada: You can see. That also applies to you. You're not giving me the glance first, as it were. But you can see that Deen's Fingers are stuck as you pull and the slack that came from Theia just kind of trails out into darkness, but there's less of it between us now. um So they take a beat and step towards you.
Gwen: "I-Deen, can you make something of this?"
Amir/Nada: "I didn't know this was a this isn't a one player game, you were the one that taught me this game, we can-"
Gwen: "We can we can do this with two people. We can't we can. um-"
Amir/Nada: "OK, I'll first start the fingers on my left are really tight, like I loop them, could you like. um
Gwen: "Oh. um"
Amir/Nada: Could you reach in, please? You have a hand free.
Gwen: "This this shape is... the shape is bad um okay uh this move." and Dione puts slack into the rope as it softens a bit as you feel petals flowers beginning to grow in between them as rope becomes a garden rope, and Dione takes a few steps back as the shape grows into a beautiful bouquet. And Dione laughs a little bit to herself. "Ah You know, this is um, you know, that one Valentine's Day, do you remember?"
Amir/Nada: "Uh yeah yeah um i think it was supposed to be for everyone but i managed to hop a few gardens of undisclosed locations um, but not really you made this uh i remember uh just because i did get to show you first I... you know didn't know if it was to make up for anything at the time," they pause. And so you can see like as you let some slack go between them, that they were looking a little fearful. like The shaking in their hands is now taking on a stronger form, but we are holding the bouquet. They remember. "I Thought I just killed those flowers. Um...figured, I figured. I actually don't know what you ah figured. I hoped you'd like them."
Gwen: "I did. It's..." Dione. Also looks ah afraid. "And... Well, I... Honestly, I just... Maybe it was selfish. I just... They were for everyone. I just..."
Amir/Nada: "Hmm."
Gwen: "Ah Maybe I just... was hoping for something personal."
Amir/Nada: "Yeah, that seems like the opposite of selfish in a way, but. Yeah, I-"
Gwen: "I mean, I shouldn't have i shouldn't have even had those expectations. It wasn't ah with
Amir/Nada: "Yeah, yeah, yeah I could have told you um... I- It's embarrassing even now. I couldn't afford anything else, so"
Gwen: "I mean, it was never about that. It was just, I didn't i didn't know. yeah You guys kind of kept it like a weird secret for a while."
Amir/Nada: "I guess. Well, yeah, I mean, i I guess, how old were we? We were, I think maybe I was too young to say that I would have gotten it or have been, I don't know, more confident. They take a step towards you and they they pick up some rope as you do. It's kind of thick now, like thicker than their fingers, like a rope leash in a way, ah but they're not pulling you. There's no attachments. There's no collar. There's no harness. There There isn't even like a handle to it, but functionally it is a sort of leash. We are keeping each other here, I think, with questions, but hopefully with an answer. "I want to blame it on me being, I don't know, young and not like dumb, but like, we could have set expectations, but that felt like something that couples do. And I don't know, I wanted to try. I wanted to step in. And I never knew about expectations."
Gwen: "I was always better about talking about her expectations and knowing what she wanted. And unfortunately, sometimes we, then I wanted the same things a lot of the time."
Amir/Nada: Hmm.
Gwen: "But I, is there another shape that you can do? That feels better?"
Amir/Nada: "Okay. ah Yeah, like, if you... me i I don't really want Slack right now, but um I think this can work if I like pull and you..." In a rare moment, you feel them touch your fingertips ah to help guide ah something smaller, um a little more innocent, I think, just a scraped knee ah from a playground set. There's a playground set and there's a child, Deen, trying very hard not to cry, but failing at it and coming to you, I think, because they did look around for an adult. There were no adults around. so "What did you do? I don't remember."
Gwen "Well, I didn't make it better, that's for sure. I it just tried kissing it because that's, you know, what mom went to and that just, yeah, and then I got weird because then there was blood in my mouth."
Amir/Nada: "Maybe a little bit of dirt and sand also. I didn't think about that."
Gwen: "It was it was stupid um i mean we did kind of laugh about it but um i don't know i was i was scared i thought you were dying."
Amir/Nada: "I mean, I stopped crying at the end, so I think it wouldn't have felt so painful if I wasn't so it's scared and smaller or whatever."
Gwen: "We were kids. We were... um I mean..."
Amir/Nada: "You didn't think anything of it?"
Gwen: "What do you mean?"
Amir/Nada: "Um i mean." And their hands are on your fingertips, like sort of shaping the outside of the knee, as it were. "I think we both know that affection is a little hard for us, but not for Theia. so I would never have expected, I don't know, like for you to do it on purpose. So I think I just thought about it."
Gwen: "I hold myself back a lot. Deen, I've always done that. And I regret it a lot. Even when I was that young, like I regret holding back so much. And I regret not showing you how much I care and it-it's hard when... this is really hard."
Amir/Nada: "Yeah."
Gwen:And Dione steps back and there is slack again in the string of ink her tattoo the black mamba releases from, not fully, from her body to make the shape- very basic shape. But she's standing almost a room's length away with you at the other diagonal corner. And it's just a rectangle. It's a business card.
Gwen: "I want to, I want-"
Amir/Nada: "To stay."
Gwen: "No, it's...I want to communicate this in a way...In a real way that in ah in a way that you in a way that we both understand. Because. I. I got an offer. um It's fine dining. It's four months, it's four months. But it's it's in Palm Springs."
Amir/Nada: " Oh wow, That's. I mean, it's huge. I mean-" and Deen from this corner, the camera angle is probably so like over... beyond 180 degrees. This room looks so big and Deen at the corner looks so small even though they don't look any younger. ah they so They have read this once and that is enough.They see this card. They had a feeling about this card. And and the rope...seems to like almost disappear into the darkness with the slack, even with Deen sort of like absently shaking their hand. You can't see it because of how far away it is.
Amir/Nada: "You-As much as I want to be so, so important, I can't keep you here."
Gwen: "Deen I-" and Dione grips this rope, this ink, the snake. And she pulls it tight. So it is a perfect rectangle. "I need you to listen to me."
Amir/Nada: "Hmm."
Gwen: "You are not keeping me anywhere. You've never had the power to keep me anywhere. I've been the one keeping me anywhere. And I get that, I get that now. I've been blaming everybody else, but I get that now. But also know that you are one of the reasons why I don't want to disappear. You are not keeping me anywhere, but you... do keep me coming back."
Amir/Nada: And you see like, in the moonlight even, like a watery sort of smile as they're not holding back tears necessarily, but they nod. They ah... they made a small noise at the the sudden tension, but they they are both arms out grabbing it, and somehow these corners are up.
Amir/Nada: " Yeah yeah, um. I suppose the more selfish thing I i could have said is I want you here, but I will want you anywhere. So."
Gwen: "And I'll be here. I won't be here all the time, but I'll be here and you'll know that I'm here, and-" she does step further away. And Dione is across the street and the rope, the string, the snake is now just a thread. It's thin, but it's red. And Dione is holding it and it is straight and is taut and she takes it and she ties it in a bow around her finger. "I'll always, always... and I'm so sorry that I've ever made you feel like I would never be here or that I didn't want to be here or... And I am sorry that sometimes that I've made it feel like I want to be here too much. i But I will always find my way back to you.
Amir/Nada: And the thread does thicken in the middle. It becomes a sort of- a cross between twine and nylon leash that they just take to their own neck, which just has a chain on it. And they tie a knot, a simple one. "Then I think you know that I would not want this to ever-" pulls the rope. "Get like that." And they point to the thread that just dips to the the the ground and away from both of us. Where even if they were to come and pick it up, it would she would have been so far away that we would not see it from this distance, just a proof of a commitment lost. Innocence gone, but not forgotten in a way.
Gwen: And it was never forgotten. And Dione holds up another finger, another bow, with a string that is far too slack to make any shape. And she holds up another finger and another and another, more bows, tighter, more taut. they run and they tie themselves to a post in the railing of Laurie's house to a loop in the key ring of Pascal's keys of of a belt loop in Eira's pants in even ah chain worn by Aspen. All of these threads as she holds up both hands. "I can always find my way back. I'll never, never leave, even if I'm a away. And I don't want what I thought that I wanted with you to ruin that."
Amir/Nada: "Yeah." And they wiggle a thread attached to your pinky, stringing it with their own, waving it so that we both feel it. "Just I... it's like a, this will be great for you. Whatever choice you make, just whether or not you go. Tell me how to love you. I'm really great with instructions."
Gwen: Dione as if to confirm that she is in fact going she turns her face the other way her back to you but she turns so that she can see you. "When I learn what that looks like, you'll be the one of the first to know."
Amir/Nada: "Yeah."
Gwen: "I have a lot of people to tell that to."
Amir/Nada: "Then you know I'll be here."
Cai: Dione, what illusory part of yourself guides you unsteadily on your path, or what illuminating part of yourself reveals the steady way forward?
Gwen: Dione's eyes they've always been and golden but dull always glazed over at the future what it's going to look like how she's going to juggle everyone everything that she has to be. Now they're bright and her perspective is not just focused on the future. It's focused on what's here. It's focused on the now. Her path is one that she is making herself. Every step is another brick in the road. It's another winding path and it's a trail that can be followed and it's a trail that she can turn right around and follow back home.
Cai: What part of your character sheet changes?
Gwen: Dione's always been someone to reflect other people's perceptions onto. That's why she's always smelled like home, like a comfort meal to everyone. But now she smells like salt. She smells like a clean slate, like a staple and pepper. Just a little sharpness. Just the basics of making something great and it could be anything.
Cai: And what in the house changes?
Gwen: That multicolor Turkish lamp that's in the bedroom, one of the bedrooms of Lauriea's house. It doesn't change, but there are additions. There are now the additions of handmade paper lanterns by so many people who've been in this house. Making this tower of multicolor lights that extends almost to the ceiling.
-
Cai: There is a spark deep in the walls of Laurie's house. The fire emerges in the hallway under the stair railing on the first floor. The first to burn is the downstairs. A wall covered in images. Eira, what memories cover this wall that visitors and the fire see first inside of Laurie's house? What burns away and what intrinsically remains?
Hamnah: The fire eats away at the photo albums that are stuck to this wall, the history of this place, of Laurie's house, of every person that's ever stepped through here. It all burns away, but the thing that remains is their voices, their laughter, the memories.
Cai: And as they burn, a massive plume of smoke, a cry of love, of care, of warning carries through the house up the stairs, pre-leading the fire instead of following it. A plume of smoke rises in the center of Laurie's house as it burns. In the common room, the chairs, tables, and the old hardwood floor itself dance with blues, reds, oranges, and yellows as the fire consumes the furniture. It catches all around the aquarium. Eira, does the massive tank of water hold a danger for you that you cannot outrun, or does a place does the massive um start Eira Does the massive tank of water hold a danger for you that you cannot outrun? Or is it a place rich in life that resists the destruction around it?
Hamnah: It's full of life. There is a large, self-sustaining aquarium that it spans an entire wall in the community room filled with water here to resist and quell any dangers to the house.
Cai: Inside the water temperature regulated carefully to ensure the balance within it, the biosphere keeps the water cool. The glass sees scorch marks but does not break and as the fire burns you see it dance across the glass leaving inside a sign of life. The fireball bursts from the windows and the basement doors blast open as the kitchen ignites. Deen, when the fire flings the doors open to your basement palace, are you prepared with your tools in hand or have they been cast aside to be lost for good? And what shape do they take?
Amir/Nada: I think there was a ritualism to staying in the basement. They often go down there. It's almost the heart of the house. And I think they are ready, but their hands are empty. They don't have a tool for every problem to fix. Every break or leak, it's not quite that easy even if it grates on their soul they sit on their heels on their knees with their hands on their thighs waiting.
Cai: And with that preparedness, with the knowledge deep in your bones, you have time. And some things that are lost are meant to be lost and some things that we lose come back to us when they are needed. A shovel deep in dirt, a growing plant, a water system. That stops the fire from spreading out in the yard and the ceremony that you set out so diligently and people leave and into the alley safely.
Upstairs, the third floor begins to burn. Eira and Aspen are bathed in light from a fixture plugged into the wall. Dione, is the light on the third floor a forgotten childhood memory that obscures what is needed, or a lantern overflowing with light that exposes imminent ruin?
Gwen: What was once childhood memories has long since been replaced. These additions just keep coming in the years. Something gets taken down. But we have photos. We have memories. We have the people here. And even if they're not here, we have ways of remembering. This is a living project. It's always a beacon. It's always a rainbow. It's just another sign that people continue to live, that people continue to love and make connections.
Cai: The smoke rises and fills the room, meeting all of those lanterns, the voices from downstairs rising to meet the memories that fill all of the lanterns hanging on the walls. A warning early enough to help. The house still burns. The downstairs remains safer for entry. The firefighters put out more of the fire on the second floor. There's still profound structural damage that you watch as the patio on the third floor burns through completely. The washer and dryer, you know that whole room for the laundry burns away. But you all stand safely on the street and watch.
As the voices still singing, the memory remains in the house. But:
1471 Thomas Sloan Avenue, Laurie's house, is still gone.