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For so many modern, driven women, life is about being more than one thing. We’re multidimensional—and so are our conversations. We carry multiple identities; we can be both mother and artist; both attorney and entrepreneur. Both clinician and CEO. Both humble and proud. Life for women like us is about both. About…all of the above. It’s about the “and”...
103_Hear&ImplementAdvice
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[00:00:00] Hi there. Welcome to the And She Spoke podcast. Hi Sandy. Hi Jeni. So in this episode, we are going to talk about how to hear and implement advice. And Sandy, this is really all you, this is a big part of your coaching and kind of what the message you're wanting to get across as our resident mindset coach.
Why don't you go ahead and tell our good listeners what we're talking about today? Sure. I think this topic came up, um, partly because of all the things that we went through in 2022, which we shared on, um, episode a few weeks ago. Over the last many, many years, we have had a lot of different coaches and we have a new one now.
And as we said, we worked with Chris Plaquey a lot last year and I've just been observing us, uh, how we show up to coaching calls when we ask questions, when we get advice. And I've also been observing for many years, all of our clients, when we talk to them, whether they're listening to [00:01:00] strategy from you or mindset concepts from me.
And it just occurred to me that there are patterns of behavior that we are all guilty of. Um, when we show up to call coaching calls or when we're asking questions or looking for advice in, in some capacity, whether that is in a coaching call or whether you're attending a conference or having a chat with a mentor, whatever the situation may be, that there are things we can.
To prep ourselves and get ready to hear the advice so that we can actually implement them into our business. So I thought it would be helpful to just kind of go through what that looks like and basically it's kind of like, do this and don't do that. And I wanna just show examples and share examples of, of behavior and attitudes and, um, actions that come out from one way of thinking versus another way of thinking.
And I do wanna say too, that. If you are one of our clients and you are listening to this, I am in no way calling any one of [00:02:00] you out. I am sure that all of us can see ourselves in some of this behavior, and it's not just one person that's done it, it's years of observing many people doing this and including ourselves.
And I will call ourselves out when I talk about the things that we, we tend to do, the traps that we kind of fall. Fair enough. Yeah. And I, and I think part of this is just like, we also go through a lot of online courses. We go through. Yeah. A lot of, we read through a lot of material and I think after years and years of trying to learn from mentors and heroes and teachers and coaches, like we've come up with, Some standards and systems that work for us to really help us to get the most value out of those experiences.
So that's also a big part of what we wanna share. Yeah, I think this is, hopefully that's when you walk away with a set of strategies that help you. Right, and that's, that was my first point, is like, you are a part of, whether it's our program or another program or whatever, you are there cuz you have a problem and you're trying [00:03:00] to find an answer.
You're trying to find a solution like you're stuck somewhere or things aren't budging in your business or something is not quite where you want it, so you're looking for this solution. So I always. All of us before we, let's just use jumping on a coaching call as the example. It can, can be applied, as I said, to a conference or talking to a mentor, whatever.
But if you're about to go onto a coaching call, I think it's just like, remember that the reason you're here is to find the solution. You want a solution, you want an a way through whatever the struggle is that you're, you are, um, experiencing. And we want that for you as your coaches and our coaches. They want that for us.
Like we're all working towards the same thing here. We're all working towards the same goal. So just re just remember that. Mm-hmm. . Yeah. I often talk about in um, our program, the luminaries that. Emotions. I mean, this is just basic psychology. Your emotions are what will cause you to take the [00:04:00] actions. So if we are, um, wanting a solution and if we wanna be able to really, truly hear what our coaches are saying, then we have the.
Complete control of our brain, our thoughts, our beliefs before we show up onto a coaching call. So let's maybe start with like the, the, the best way to show up and then we'll talk about some of the, the poor habits or the, the, the emotions that don't get you what you want. So we're gonna call these, give it to me emotions.
So before a coaching call, before you talk to a mentor, it'd be so helpful if you can just take a moment and just check into, With what you are feeling. So I'm gonna call this, give it to me emotions as. Give it to me, give it to me. Let me hear it. Tell me the advice. Tell me what you think. Tell me where I'm, you know, not seeing things where I'm blocked, where I'm wrong.
Give it to me. And so those emotions are things like being curious, right? That's the obvious one. Mm-hmm. , um, really like opening. Curious about what is going on? [00:05:00] Compassion. So do you have compassion for your situation, what you're experiencing, your maybe your clients, um, maybe you know what's happening in the world, you know, can you have compassion for yourself and your situation committed?
Can you show up committed? Like, I really do want to figure out this, as I said, to find the solution. I'm committed to finding the solution desire. You always wanna come to the coaching call with that deep desire of what you. Are trying to do, like, I really wanna help these clients. I really wanna make my revenue goal, or whatever it is.
And I think there's also a bit of like vulnerability that you need to show up with. Like just, and, and it's open, like to me, for, for me personally, the emotion that I always wanna enter a call with is open. I wanna be, Open and when you have those kind of emotions or when your, um, brain and, and physical body is experiencing those emotions, what you [00:06:00] are going to do, the actions that follow are you are actually gonna be listening.
You are gonna be open to seeing. Oh, I never, I like what I thought was so true. Maybe isn't like, I never saw it that way. That's, you're just gonna be open to different angles. You'll be able to, um, hear the advice and start to think about what you can do to implement it. Like begin to plan how to actually take the actions.
Does that make sense? Yeah, makes lots of sense. You know what this is reminding me of too, Sandy, if this is a little bit different, and maybe, maybe you're heading there too, but like from a strategy standpoint, one of the lessons that I learned from, from a coach a few years ago, an uh, an online coach was.
To, uh, emulate before you innovate. And I know that's something that we talk about a lot too, and when you say being open and being vulnerable, like, I also think of [00:07:00] that about a, as I also think about that in terms of being humble because I think so often there's like, for so many of us, especially those of us that are.
High achievers. We think we know better than our coaches. Like there's some part of us that thinks like we're different or we know better, but like really, if you've chosen to work with a certain coach or teacher mm-hmm. really bring that humility because you don't like there. You signed up for their program for a reason and like every time.
That we have followed an, Ima like emulated our coaches and followed their specific advice. It's always worked. And over time we sort of give things our own flavor. Yeah. And we make things our own. But like initially the results come from actually following. The specific directives of the coach. Yeah. So let's, let's go there.
So the other side of this is, and this is like again, if we are not aware of how our emotions drive our actions, if we're not thinking about what's my attitude as like, [00:08:00] You know, call into this, you know, ask a question and, and wait for the answer as I attend my, uh, coaching call. If we're not aware of that, we just sort of show up, like plop ourselves in the chair and like, here's my question.
You know, those are, we often come to that with dead end emotions. We show up with dead end emotions, so we can be very defensive, which is kind of what you're saying. We can be angry. Like this isn't working and you're sort of angry at the world. Like I did exactly what you guys said and it didn't work.
Frustrated, perhaps confused, uh, resentful, doubtful. Like, I, like I hear you, but I just, I don't really know if it's gonna work. It hasn't worked in the past. And so when you show up to the coaching call with thoughts that create this, like these dead end emotions, what happens is you can be argumentative.
You can do a lot of like, Jeni will say something, and if I was the student, I'd be like, yeah, okay. Yeah, I, I get it. But there's a lot of Yeah, buts, there's a [00:09:00] lot more story. Like you're told something and then it's like, okay, yeah, but in my life, in my world mm-hmm. , it doesn't work. Like this is what happens.
It's like that special snowflake syndrome. And this is absolutely, well, I will speak for myself. This is me. Because I would be like, yeah, but you know what, we have a software company, so I get what you're saying. However, we are d. , like that's not gonna apply to us cuz we are different. We have a software company and I have.
Like leaned on that for a lot of years and it puts me into completely like the thought we're different, puts me like I'm either defensive or I'm frustrated cuz you're not listening to me cuz I'm different and you need to gimme different advice. Right? Oh yeah. And, and Sandy, that same thing when we're in like the tech space with working with a coach.
No, that's right. Yes, true. It's always obvious and it's like, well, but we're female founders or we're bootstrapped so we're, we can't take your advice cuz we're different. Yes. And so we always look for those like, are ways to argue with the coach. Right. Yeah, that's, I didn't even think about it the other way, but that's absolutely true.
[00:10:00] So it's like you have so much story. . Yeah. And you have so much drama around your problem, you can be very long-winded. Like, and then it's just like question after question after question after question because you're, you're listening from a place of these dead end emotions, right? You are an exception and they're not hearing you.
That coach is not hearing you and it's almost turns into like, You wanna argue for the problem you wanna be, right? Mm-hmm. like, I respect you. I get it what you're saying. However, da da da da da, da, da. Long story, you're wrong. I'm right. Can you just see my perspective? Because I've got a, a good position here, right?
And all of this, all of this action, which honestly you and I are masters at, it's indulging. It's like an indulging of these emotions and this belief that. . They don't, they can't, they're not understanding my situation. Right. And you're just mm-hmm. . And the problem is, is that we're forgetting that that coach is, is helping us.
They [00:11:00] are getting, they're giving us advice to get to that solution, but we just wanna sit and be like a little child and like, ah, I'm right. Like, you're not under, I'm different. Right. And so, You're just not receiving the coaching and you're just gonna show up. Honestly, the next week we'll have the same question.
We'll have the exact same situation. We are not able to move forward. Yeah, so the way that I think about this internally that helps me, and maybe this will help some of our listeners, is I think, do you wanna be right? Yes. Or do you want to have results? Yes, that's exactly right. It's like that's the bargain there.
Because obviously there, there's a person that you're paying money. Like in our case, we pay a lot of money to work with certain coaches, and there's a reason we pay them that money because they have certain experience and they've learned lessons that we're trying to bypass and not have to learn the hard way.
So yes, like we're paying money to learn advice and tactics so that we don't have to make all the mistakes [00:12:00] ourselves. Right? So, I don't know why we fight that so hard. I think that's, I don't know if that's just human nature, sandy, or if that's like it, like just . You just have to learn to, to think very, um, consciously to not be that way.
Right. Which is why I wanted to do this because, um, If again, to me it's, I just always re return, return to this phrase of like, it's default thinking, like if we're not mm-hmm. actively on purpose with intention, choosing our thoughts. When we, when we go to work on our business, we just like believe whatever thought comes into our head.
It's just like whatever's there, we believe it as truth and that cannot build a business. We are, there are, um, The brain as an organ in our body, um, throws out this advice throw. It's, it does wacky things and we just believe it, like without questioning it. And I think the, the business owners that really are going to make that a hundred K and beyond, they're the ones who can override that default thinking, rewrite the operating system in the [00:13:00] background so that they are like, I'm on a coaching call.
I'm feeling really frustrated. Let me switch that around before I sit. And what do I need to think? What do I need to remind myself of? What do I need to believe? What do I need to be like muttering repeating to myself so that I can get into a place of feeling really open and listen. Mm-hmm. . And then, um, the other thing I wanted to say is sometimes when we're in the coaching call, it can be a little bit like, um, I don't wanna say stressful, but like, it's a lot, right?
Like you're kind of nervous and, um, You wanna be clear and you wanna like get the advice, but sometimes you can't hear it. Like you just need to, what I wanna say is just take 24 hours before you start to argue. Just like take it in, sit with it for 24 hours. Cuz sometimes I will be like, no, no, that's not gonna work for us.
Cuz again, we're so different. That's not gonna work. That's not gonna work. That's not gonna work. Mm-hmm. . And then I just like let it kind of marinate a little bit. I'm like, oh, you know, [00:14:00] maybe. Maybe, maybe they're right. Damn it. Maybe they're right. . So it, it, it, if you don't completely agree or to completely get it, like just sit with it for a day or two.
And sometimes we've poked enough holes in your default thinking that you're like, Hmm, maybe, maybe I can be open to this. . Yeah. That, I think that's right. And I also, I, I think that I don't have as much of a rebellious streak as you do. Like you're the maverick here. But I think about it in this other way that we've talked about before, like a scientist or like a data scientist, and even if I have doubts about whether a certain strategy will work mm-hmm.
I'm like, well, let's go try it. I have doubts, but I would just wanna see the data. I wanna see what happens. Cause nobody knows. That's from curiosity, right? Yeah. That's you're being driven from the emotion and curiosity. So the actions you take from that are like, let me just go try this and Yeah, evaluate the data and que ask more questions after you have more data.
Yeah. Yeah. So that's a give it to me emotion, [00:15:00] like, give it to me and then Yeah. I love it. Yeah. I love trying things like, I, I mean, I think that that's, you've kind of got to love it if you wanna be in business very long, because you, that's what it is, is it's a series of experiments. Mm-hmm. and, you know, it's playing with, playing with ideas publicly.
Like that's what marketing is. And so, You've gotta, you've gotta kind of approach it that way. Otherwise it will become really, really awful to be a business owner. like, yeah, if you don't like that and you're not curious about it, that's just like painful. Yeah. Maybe go get a job . Like, that's probably better fit.
A better fit. The, the, you just reminded me about another point I wanted to make, which is, As business owners and business owners who recently came through a pandemic, it's also really important for us to re, to re to remind ourselves that we need to focus as we build out our businesses through the marketing and the, and the selling and developing the programs and so on.
We need to focus on what we [00:16:00] can control. So there. and Fair enough. And to our clients, please keep asking these questions, but there is a lot of, or can be a lot of like focus, energy, blaming the external world. Mm-hmm. , right? Like the clients aren't clicking or Instagram close my account. Or there can be a lot of blaming and energy and time and thinking spent on things.
We can't. . And so I think it's super, super helpful just to remind ourselves like, okay, Instagram took my account down in the middle of the launch, which actually happened to us last year. Um, okay, I can't control that, but what I can do is I have control of how I show up. Meaning how am I gonna think about this situation from a place of determination?
Like, I'm gonna figure this out feeling I'm determined and I'm gonna take different actions, write a couple emails, you know, uh, make some jokes in that email about Instagram and why we [00:17:00] shouldn't have our businesses built there or whatever. I'm gonna take different actions from that place of determination than just like, The world is terrible.
I'm never gonna make it. I can't, I can't even do this because Instagram's down and everything's ruined. You know, you kind of like ruminate in this like crappy thing that happened. So it's just really good that to remember that you have your own thoughts, you control those, which lead to your feelings, which lead to your actions that you always will have control of.
And if you are deciding. , how many times you launch, how many emails you sent, how many um, posts you make, how many words you write, what those words, those are all your, under your control. And all of those actions will lead to a business, right? Mm-hmm. , eventually, mm-hmm. . Whereas if you focus on the world, the pandemic, the forest fires, the plague, the whatever, like, it's just, you're defeating yourself.
You cannot control what other people say, what other people do, what happens in the world, and. I just, [00:18:00] again, showing up to, uh, a place where you're going to be receiving advice. Don't hyper focus on those things like what this thing happened. How do you wanna be, how do you wanna think, how do you, what actions do you wanna take in this situation?
Yeah. What an empowering way to go into an experience. I mean, I just like successful people, and I'm sure this is like, not the , so like there's, we're all, we're all capable of being successful, right? So choosing to take on this like, Costume or mindset of being a s quote unquote successful person, requires you to take on the identity of a problem solver.
Like you're not just gonna be successful because you're, you know, like sitting there and not taking action. Like your specific success comes from your ability to look. at problems and try to tackle them and do hard things. Mm-hmm. , like that's actually what makes success. Yeah. Like not entitled to it. Yeah.
Luck comes [00:19:00] because you're putting yourself in situations frequently enough that like statistically, you're gonna get lucky sometimes. Right. So I just think like you have to really identify as someone who wants to solve a problem. Have a hard conversation, do difficult things, navigate tricky emotions.
Like the more you can start to identify like that and, and realize that those are po po positive attributes. Mm-hmm. , and that can make your experience positive, I think the better off you'll be. And just like from my own life experience, like if you're focusing on what's hard, you just won't. You won't be successful.
Yeah. Life life's hard. Life. It's awful. all the time. So I just look at every single look at everything like a puzzle. That's my, my advice, like that curiosity piece is really that lesson I gra like grab onto and maybe different parts of this will resonate with, with people differently. Yeah. Yeah. But I [00:20:00] think, yeah.
Thank you for agreeing to this topic. I think it's, I think there's so. You know, acting passively, and I just want people to act actively. Like I run the business. I am control of my brain and my experience and my business ultimately. Right? Yeah. It's not up to the con consumers to click by. It's for you to take the action so that it's like, Here's my credit card.
Like that's what the, yeah, that's the attitude we want out there. But that's not them. That's you. So, yeah. Yeah, that's right. Okay. Should we move into join Hustle? Yes. Okay. So I have the joy, and so I just wanted to talk about a sweet little book that I downloaded from the library on my Libby app and a, let's see.
It's by Emily Le, who is. The c e o of simplified, which for those of you planner nerds out there, fellow planner nerds, she, she owns the, the Simplified Planner company. And um, she's [00:21:00] definitely, it's definitely like a mom book, but it's nice, like I got the audio book version of this from the library, it's called When Less Becomes More, and it's really like a digital minimalism book for moms.
So, , like I've read kind of the dude bro versions of the digital minimalism stuff, but never like the mom version. And it's really nice because she talks about like the importance of. Like keeping your screen away when you're with your family and the importance of like intentional boredom, like really encouraging intentional boredom, which is now something that we have to proactively do with our children, because otherwise they're just gonna get sucked into devices all the time.
She talks about like having just one extracurricular activity per child and how. , creating white space in downtime is so important. So anyway, it's just like, it's a really short little book, but I've, I'm finding it quite helpful because, um, I really do appreciate like another mom entrepreneur's perspective on this.
Mm-hmm. and that's not [00:22:00] usually what I listen to. Yeah, that sounds cool. That's great. Okay. And the hustle is, uh, just keeping with the theme of this entire podcast, and that is if you are building a business, go and find yourself a really. Business coach. Mm-hmm. , whether that is our luminary program, our visible program, or someone else, it doesn't really matter.
It's just get some outside eyes on your business, another perspective so they can help show you, um, help you see what you can't yourself see, because we do just get in these loops and get stuck and we want you moving forward. Always. Yeah, I think it's a non-negotiable to work with a coach. I would say.
Like you just, you just like, Speed up your business by so much. Mm-hmm. , like it's al like always a good investment. And I would say there's no perfect coach either. Like you said, doesn't matter if it's us or someone else like you. You can learn from anyone, right? Like that's the truth is like every [00:23:00] single other person on the planet we can learn from.
And so it's all about the mindset side that you've been talking about in this episode. Sandy is like going in with the right attitude. That's what you need. , obviously try to hire someone who's experienced at what you do, but you know, you can learn from anybody. So don't, don't like, get overly concerned about, is this the perfect coach for me?
Mm-hmm. , there's no perfect coach for anybody. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Okay. Awesome. This was fun. Thank you, Jenny. All right. Thank you, Sandy. We will see you next week.