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Rise Above: a podcast from Rogers Behavioral Health takes listeners on a journey of education and inspiration as we sit down with mental health and addiction experts and past patients who are changing how the world views mental health and addiction.
I was hurting so much. I think that I don't know, I just didn't want to feel. I hadn't dealt with feelings my whole life, really.
Andy:You're listening to Rise Above, a Rogers Behavioral Health Podcast, where we sit down with Rogers experts who are changing the way the world views mental health and addiction. Hello and welcome to Rise Above, a podcast from Rogers Behavioral Health, where we share real stories of recovery, resilience and hope. I'm Andy Meadow and today I'm joined by Paige Feller, who works closely with women in substance use treatment and recovery at Rogers and is deeply involved in the new Worth It For Her program. Hi, Paige. Just to get us started, what exactly is the Worth It For Her program and how does it differ from the Worth It program that was already in place?
Page:Hi, Andy. Our Worth It For Her program is rooted in the same foundational elements that has made our Rogers WORTH It opioid recovery program so successful and desirable. It's client centered, individualized, and tailored to each person's unique needs and goals. However, WORTH It For Her is a program designed specifically for women in Northern Wisconsin who are navigating any sort of substance use treatment and recovery needs. Worth It For Her recognizes that many women come into recovery carrying layers of responsibility, trauma, shame, and expectations, often as mothers, partners, caregivers, and professionals, while trying to hold everything together on the outside.
Page:This program creates a safe space where women don't have to pretend anymore, where they can talk openly and honestly about substance use, mental health, relationships, motherhood and identity, and they will be met with understanding, safety and support.
Andy:I think that perspective really shaped why you wanted to have this conversation we're about to hear.
Page:Exactly. I really wanted to sit down with women who have truly lived this experience, not just clinically but personally. In this interview, I talked with Christina, our addiction services liaison at Rogers, and Elizabeth from Milwaukee's Faith Factory, two incredible women in recovery who were willing to share their stories openly.
Andy:So in this clip you're about to hear, Elizabeth does most of the sharing.
Page:Yes. You'll hear Elizabeth talk about perfectionism, motherhood, hiding her struggles, and what it took to finally feel safe enough to be honest with herself and with others. Her story reflects what so many women experience quietly and why programs like Worth It For Her exist in the first place.
Andy:So I was there when this conversation was recorded, and I certainly found it to be raw and real and, for lack of a better term, deeply human.
Page:Completely. And here's the first part of my conversation with Christina and Elizabeth.
Andy:Great. Let's take a listen.
Page:When you think about your kids and your history,
Page:I just hear all the time, Elizabeth's amazing. Elizabeth has her own recovery story. Elizabeth is the best. She's got this beautiful shop. She's successful.
Page:She's done all of these things and proved everybody wrong and x y and z. And I don't know much about your backstory. Yeah. I'm curious if you're willing to share some of it. Of course.
Page:Of course.
Elizabeth:Well, I didn't get here alone. Just my my faith alone, hence my business faith factory has gotten me through everything more than anything else. But to go back. I'm going go like back back. Oh, boy.
Elizabeth:No, I'll do a mini version. So I'm
Page:sure I'll have a million questions. Just like I said, other than hearing how amazing you are and that you have your own journey and story to tell, that's all I know.
Elizabeth:Oh, boy. But yeah, I wasn't always amazing. I tried to be like that was a thing, you know, like I always wanted to look like I was amazing and had everything together and try and be the perfect mom and the perfect girl and the most beautiful and, you know, just all those things that I feel like society tells you you have to be. And back then, like in the early childhood years, when I was drinking every day, my ex husband was a firefighter, and so would do twenty four hour shifts. And so there were days that I was always home by myself.
Elizabeth:And I remember drinking bottles of wine by myself, like upstairs when my son was little. And I don't know how I how I did it really,
Andy:like
Elizabeth:how I still cared for him and was was doing that. But that was like kind of the middle. Like, I had been drinking for years before I started having kids and it never really stopped. It did feel like one more thing would break me, but it didn't until it did. So I'll fast forward a little bit.
Elizabeth:I had my daughter still drinking a lot, then even drinking harder stuff and, you know, trying to chase that escapism from my life that really was not perfect, but I didn't want to feel it. You know, I didn't want to deal with it. And so it made me happy. It made me feel good. A real turning point, though, was my dad died unexpectedly.
Elizabeth:And that was like that one more thing. And this time that was. It was. We were closed. My mom had died when I was in my early twenties.
Elizabeth:I mean, I guess I didn't expect it to, but it was a real shock for me. And then how to cope with it. I started choosing besides just drinking, like I was unfaithful in my marriage and that that then blew it over. Like, that's how I dealt with it.
Page:And that was another thing.
Elizabeth:Daughter was four and my son was probably six. So they were young. Yeah, they were they were real young. So like in that stage and I thought, people would tell me, oh, they won't remember, you know, it'll be okay. Like, blah, blah, blah.
Elizabeth:Well, it wasn't. I chose to include them in my recovery. I didn't hide anything. I didn't want to. You know, I wanted them to know who I was and how I was getting through things.
Elizabeth:And, you know, like their life was meaningful to me and, you know, not exact like the one thing that pulled me through, but they're a huge driving factor. You know, I mean, we do it ourselves, but I owed my kids more than that. I owed my kids the mom I knew I could be and not the perfect mom, but the mom, you know, the mom I knew like was in there. So that was that was really what tipped me over and led me to even I mean, more drinking if you can, I guess? But then starting to use drugs again.
Elizabeth:And I couldn't believe I went to that point, but I was that miserable with my choices that I mean, I didn't want to live anymore if it wasn't for my kids at that time. I don't know. I don't think so. I remember calling my ex husband one time from my apartment and telling him that I didn't want to live, I was going to do this, whatever. And I faintly remember myself where I was.
Elizabeth:And thankfully, he called the police or whatever to do a well check and they came. What was hard is my kids then, okay, for the next five years ish. Well, I'm not gonna do all the math right now, but okay. In the coming like three or four years, maybe five years, that I was still using the situations I had them in, just what I was putting them through, and not even really thinking about it was like things that I really struggle with now. You know, like some of that shame and guilt more I mean, I feel like more so for them than me, especially because now it's starting to show.
Elizabeth:And not that I caused that, you know, with my kids, but, they definitely do try to blame me. And that's really hard too because it's like I've been so open and honest with you. Like, how can you blame me? I don't know. But it's that one thing that kids will use to stab you in the heart when they want to?
Page:Well, anyone I think about even just the idea of being vulnerable. It puts us at risk of someone knowing and having that information and doing with it what they choose. And that applies to treatment. It applies to acknowledging this is a problem. It applies to so many different things.
Page:And then, you know, I'm curious how Christina's story piggybacks or doesn't, because I'm sure there's a lot of similarities and differences prior to everything really coming to the surface and saying, this is it. I need help. What did it look like to the world?
Elizabeth:It was messy.
Page:Closest friends, your the people who knew you, could they see all of this? Or do you think you really had that facade going for you that you looked like the wonderful mother that you wanted to present as?
Elizabeth:In the beginning, yeah. For the years leading up to my dad dying. I yeah. I mean, I had it all together. I think my husband, ex husband might have thought that I was drinking a lot, but again, he wasn't home all the time.
Page:So he didn't even know.
Elizabeth:I could easily hide it. I mean, I would I eventually so got to drinking box wine, which was like low because I'm like, I don't know. I just get it. It was expensive. And I was like, I just, you know, doing this.
Elizabeth:But I remember being at the grocery store and I buy three boxes of wine at a time. And so I could if I drank like almost a whole one in the night, I could switch it so that it didn't look like I drank that much. You know what I mean? So even like he didn't
Page:know the depth of your struggles. Nobody did in general.
Elizabeth:Nobody really did.
Andy:And we will be right back. For those who serve on the front lines, support should meet you where you are. Rogers Firewatch is a mental health program designed specifically for veterans and first responders. Built by people who understand your experiences, FireWatch offers proven effective care with a flexible schedule to help you work through trauma, stress, and life after service. You've had others backs.
Andy:Now it's time someone has yours at Rogers Firewatch. To learn more, go to rogersbh.org. And now back to the interview.
Page:It must have been so
Elizabeth:isolating. It was. It felt like I don't know. I was hurting so much. I think that I I don't know.
Elizabeth:I just didn't wanna feel. And that would just eventually, enough whine would click me, like, out of my reality to just kinda just be, you know, which made it feel better. I just I hadn't dealt with feelings my whole life, really. And so to really have those at the forefront was like any depth I could go to to hide them and deal with them. So yeah, it was isolating.
Elizabeth:It was painful. I wanted help, sort of, because eventually then, I did try PHP and then I did go through Harrington at Rogers. But thinking back on that, I was learning everything and I really liked it. It was this super cool experience. But inside I was like, nah, like I wasn't ready, you know, I wasn't ready to like stop fighting myself.
Elizabeth:But then after that is definitely look messy, super messy. I mean, my ex husband took my kids for a while because of the environment I was putting them in. He wouldn't allow them to be with me until he felt it was safe, that I was sober. And so we we took precautions to make that happen so he could be confident. That was heart wrenching.
Elizabeth:But then after that, I still I was hiding it. I would drink when they weren't with me, you know, or use. And once I moved out of there and I got into this other relationship that was turned out to be absolutely horrible, which is just kind of the thing. Like, I I don't know what I was looking for in that, but I didn't think he would fix me. But I don't know.
Elizabeth:It was just
Page:anything at that point?
Elizabeth:Probably anything to probably feel love or acceptance or being wanted. So you just take what you can get, I guess. I don't know. But I was gross. I was disgusting.
Elizabeth:I I can never I have a really hard time eating Chinese food because that was, like, the thing I would eat. Like, you know, I have just literally, like, trauma from these certain things. And I just I can picture myself on the couch sobbing, like, what am I doing? But the only thing I was doing was drinking even though I knew there were people there to help me. Yeah.
Elizabeth:I just couldn't escape that that shame. I destroyed my ex husband's family because of what I did, because of my infidelity, and that was hard to live with. It's still hard to
Page:live with. What did you need? What did it take beyond faith at the foundation of that to be able to internalize, move forward? Yeah, recovery.
Elizabeth:It took feeling really safe because I had never been able to open up and really be honest about all of this to anybody. I mean, I don't you know, not even myself because I was running and hiding from everything. So it was really being safe. And from that, you know, gave comfort. And I think relatability, was helpful and acceptance, really, and love.
Elizabeth:And over time, I was able to find those things, you know, through treatment and the environment I chose to keep myself in. Honesty became like a pillar for myself at that time was like, if I, I I really want this, like, let's just lay it out, you know, figure out who you are. That's all people wanted from me. And why was I so afraid to to be that person for so many years? You know, why didn't I want to be myself?
Page:What broke down some of that shame?
Elizabeth:I don't think there was like one moment that is like that shame is faced and gone and it's not. I mean, for me, it's still there. And this is seven years into my sobriety, you know, especially with the children, you know, because they'll bring up things, and then it's like I'm starting all over. Not completely, but it's like, okay. I'm feeling this way.
Elizabeth:How am I gonna deal with it health fully rather than what I used to do when I went through treatment? Like, I didn't know what I was feeling. I couldn't really identify one feeling from the other. And so one of the most helpful things I got was the feeling wheel. It's silly, but I'm not kidding because I would have it.
Elizabeth:And when I was feeling something, I would figure out which one it is.
Page:This is just a thought of I think this is a sadness.
Elizabeth:Exactly. Like, I'm mad. No. Is it? Is it you're just mad or you angry or you, you know, resentful or whatever it is.
Elizabeth:And that really helped me to to progress. So I started naming those feelings and then remembering them when shame would come up or whatever. And then it was like, okay. But why am I feeling this shame? And I think that really helped me, I don't know, get to know you know what I mean?
Elizabeth:Know how I deal with things and how to get through them. And then that way, if that came up again, I could remember I could remember what I was dealing with.
Page:Which makes a lot of sense when you talk about your efforts to escape, to avoid, disconnect, that you were probably so disconnected from your own body to just reconnect with yourself and work towards being authentic.
Elizabeth:Yeah. And I really started to love myself, though. That took a couple of years, about a year when I really, like, gave myself the opportunity to make a jump and be on my own and be super vulnerable because I've moved out suddenly and I had nothing basically, but a whole lot of debt and garbage from my past. But I was finally free and I was like, I'm cool. I'm a good person at heart, you know?
Elizabeth:And that's kind of when I started like, as with most of us, like, can be like, okay, this is who I am, and I'm going to tell you who I am. And just by osmosis or whatever, other people start opening up, you know, because that's what worked for me too, was being around other people who were being vulnerable and sharing their stories like Christina. And, you know, you see where they are and just who they are, and you're like, cool. They want they want that from me. You know?
Elizabeth:People people really do wanna know you because I think most of us are hiding stuff about us because we feel whatever we feel like we shouldn't shouldn't be that person or feel that way. So, I mean, it's still hard to to believe that myself.
Page:Yeah. And maybe not a specific moment, but looking back, just seeing little glimpses or little milestones of
Elizabeth:change Yeah. In progress. There wasn't other than that one time of moving out and my last time I drank when I got sober, like, were two big points in my life. Yeah. But not that I faced anything, was finally, I think I had the ability to face it now.
Elizabeth:I had the strength to start looking at that stuff. And
Andy:we will be right back. Life's changes don't come with a roadmap, especially as we get older. That's why Rogers LifeWell is designed specifically for adults 55 and up, offering compassionate, personalized mental health care when it matters most. With expert support, proven therapies, and a focus on real life challenges like grief, caregiving, and major transitions, LifeWell helps you regain balance and move forward. Your next chapter can be brighter with Rogers LifeWell.
Andy:To learn more, go to rogersbh.org. And now back to the interview.
Page:How do you feel like your role as a mom, as a caregiver, as a wife, as a woman played into
Elizabeth:all of this that you're talking about? I just felt like I should I don't know. I should do everything for my kids and with my kids and, you know, provide them the most or as many experiences as they can have and the best things. And I don't know, like the best life. Right.
Page:Unrealistic standards to be perfect for everyone and completely.
Elizabeth:But then you see other moms, you know, and you're like
Page:That appear to have it
Page:all together the same way. Totally, if not more.
Elizabeth:That and that was when Facebook kind of started. And so it was easy to start comparing myself to other moms and how their kids were. And I remember, like my kids sleep through the night and I have a nighttime routine and I'm like, I do not have any of that. You know, you and people both a baby and it is it is just messy. I never had a consistent routine with them, which I kind of liked because we just did what we did.
Elizabeth:But I was definitely felt pressure from other moms that were like, you know, they need to do this and they need to do that. And I'm like, okay, but I can't because then stuff happens and I get stressed out and I'm drinking and, you know, because I really can't handle it. So we'll just do whatever. I mean, we'll just do whatever. It's I mean, it's hard.
Elizabeth:It's it's hard being a mom. It's even hard now comparing my kids to other kids at that age, you know, and how the moms too are like, oh, they're going to college and, you know, they have their whole life planned out and my kid's really good. And, you know, like.
Page:I say all the time, I tell my neighbors, I tell my friends, if only we could all just be authentic about what's actually going on, right? Like, I'm a complete mess today. This is my family. This is my life. We would realize that nobody has it like
Elizabeth:they present and it's so much. Well, and that's the thing, too. It's like, I know they don't have it now because I you know what I mean? I know I don't have it all together. And you can lie about it if you want to.
Elizabeth:But I definitely know something's going on because we all battle with something at every time. Like, there's always something. And I feel bad for the people that are choosing to hide it because I know that they're still they're hurting in there somewhere. You know, there's a reason they're choosing to cover it up and, you know, you might see it manifesting in other people in different ways. You know, not that you can say anything, but you pray for them.
Page:And yeah,
Elizabeth:But does it make it any easier for me? But, you know, I mean, it's just it actually it does maybe because I still feel relatable. Yeah. You know? I still feel the pressure.
Page:Maybe heard and understood and not so alone. In it all and able to have slightly more realistic expectations.
Elizabeth:Yeah, especially because the people I choose to surround myself with now are more like me and that makes life a little bit easier because we can do it together. I don't feel so alone.
Andy:Wow. Well, listeners, you've been listening to part of Paige's conversation with Christina and Elizabeth, both with stories shaped by struggle, courage, and healing.
Page:Elizabeth's story is such a powerful reminder that recovery isn't about becoming perfect. It's about becoming honest and authentic. About finding safety, support, and the courage to say, I cannot do this alone anymore, and I don't need to do this alone. That's the heart of Worth It For Her.
Andy:So for women who may be listening and recognizing parts of their own story, what can they do?
Page:If any of this resonates with you, whether you're struggling with substance use yourself or supporting someone who is. WORTH It For Her offers treatment designed with women's lived experiences at the center. You can learn more or reach out by visiting rogersbh.org or by calling (844) 582-7827 to talk with someone about options and next steps. You don't have to have everything figured out, just a willingness to start the conversation.
Andy:I think it's important to remember that recovery is possible and that help is available.
Page:And to Christina and Elizabeth, thank you so much for trusting us with your stories and for reminding other women that they are not alone and that they are truly worth it.
Andy:And for the listeners at home, thanks for listening to another episode of Rise Above, a podcast from Rogers Behavioral Health. Be sure to like and subscribe to be notified of new episodes, and as always, if you or someone you care about is struggling with a mental health or substance use disorder, visit rogersbh.org for a free mental health screening. Until next time, thanks for listening.