The Discomfort of Setting Boundaries: A Sign of Growth, Not Wrongdoing

In this episode, Kamini Wood addresses the common challenge of setting boundaries, highlighting that the discomfort experienced is normal and does not signify wrongdoing. She explains that fears of rejection, disappointing others, confrontation, or being perceived as mean often make setting boundaries difficult. This discomfort is compounded by a societal conditioning that prioritizes others' feelings over our own. Kamini emphasizes that while the person receiving a boundary may also experience discomfort or react negatively, this is their own adjustment to a change in dynamic, not a reflection of the boundary being incorrect. Setting boundaries is an act of courage and self-respect that ultimately clarifies needs, defines what works and doesn't work in a relationship, and fosters more genuine and respectful connections. She acknowledges the difficulty, having struggled with boundaries herself, but stresses the importance of understanding the "why" behind them to prevent over-functioning, overgiving, resentment, and burnout.

What is RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way?

Kamini Wood works with high achievers on letting go of stress, overwhelm and anxiety that comes with trying to do everything, and trying to do it all perfectly

Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up Live Joy Your Way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening. Thank you for taking some time to hang out here with me. I always love having you. Join in with me, and today we're talking about something I love to talk about and I don't think can be talked about enough, which is setting boundaries.
But today I wanna specifically explore why setting boundaries feels so challenging and really get into the fact that that discomfort does not mean you're doing anything wrong. And I'm bringing this up because this, this [00:01:00] has been a topic I've come across more often with my, my coaching clients, which is just this.
Acknowledgement that feeling B or setting boundaries can feel so icky, for lack of a better word. So if. If you have struggled with setting boundaries, just first of all know that you're not alone, because it really can feel incredibly uncomfortable. And I really honor that because I know that I've, I've had that same, that same feeling because there are those human fears, the fear of rejection, the fear of disappointing others, the fear of confrontation, the fear of just being mean, like you just don't wanna be mean to somebody.
And what happens is we then internalize that and to. We think that we're being selfish or we are being mean, and then when we have that belief about self, that creates its own rabbit hole of negative emotions towards self. So as the person setting the boundary, it's important for me to just say, yes, you may feel some anxiety, you may feel some guilt, you may even feel a little bit of shame, and it may come up in thoughts.
Like I'm [00:02:00] being really mean here, or I am being really harsh. Or even the question of will they, will they even still like me? And it's just important to acknowledge that these feelings are present, these thoughts are present without judging them. Because these are normal reactions for those of us who have not set boundaries before because many of us have been conditioned to prioritize somebody else's feelings or thoughts above our own.
And just recognizing this is the first step into being able to even start setting boundaries. It's important for us to acknowledge that boundaries can absolutely be uncomfortable, not just for those of us setting them, but also for those receiving them. Because if somebody is, is used to you always being available or always saying yes, when you go and set that boundary and you suddenly say no, that can feel jarring to them and it can actually feel somewhat even threatening.
You know, suddenly they feel like. They're, they're not loved or what the, whatever their story is, but [00:03:00] that discomfort and, and it's important to note, note that that discomfort is its own manifestation from their own belief system. It's not a reflection of your boundary being wrong, it's ref, it's a reflection of how they're feeling and their adjustment to the dynamic.
So it's a really important critical mindset shift that we're talking about here. And the mindset shift is. Discomfort does not mean that you've made a mistake or what you're putting a boundary around is wrong. Discomfort is actually a natural response to change in it's natural, especially when we're making those changes in relationships or in personal dynamics.
Boundaries actually though, are clarifying and defining what works for you and what doesn't in a relationship, and it offers the ability to have a more genuine, respectful. Connection with somebody, and it, it offers the ability for you guys to actually understand each other on that deeper, that deeper level.
So imagine you set a boundary around your work [00:04:00] availability, right? Like your, your hours that you're available to work. And so initially your colleagues or family might feel surprised or frustrated that that's, you know, what do you mean? Suddenly these are your strict work hours, especially your colleagues.
Like if you've been. Answering emails at 10 o'clock at night, and now suddenly you're setting these boundaries. They might have a real issue with that. It's like, well, suddenly you're unavailable. But remember that every boundary you set it is, first of all, it does take an act of courage. It's also an act of self-respect, because when you're setting those boundaries, you're giving yourself a gift, but you're also creating space for somebody else to understand you and then to be able to work with you.
And I just wanna offer this too. When you're setting these boundaries with somebody and they have that initial response to you, that jarring response, and maybe they, they respond in a negative way. It's also to allow them to have that response and give them time to adjust. Most people. Especially those who really [00:05:00] do ultimately respect you and want to be in a relationship with you, they're going to adjust to the new boundary and there may even be an an opportunity to have communication around it.
The people who don't adjust and who are willing to let go of the relationship or, or keep pushing back. Those are the people that were really benefiting from your lack of boundaries, and those are the relationships that. You can now invite yourself to take a look at it and ask yourself, is that really a relationship that is healthy for me?
If this person is not willing to potentially adjust and to respect what I'm saying works for me and what doesn't work for me? It's really important. This topic around boundaries is so important because it's the thing that. Keeps individuals over-functioning and overgiving. And what ends up happening is resentment builds and it, it whittles away at connection with people.
Or conversely, it creates burnout for people who aren't able to set those boundaries. [00:06:00] And I'm not saying this with any, without any regard for the fact that it's difficult. I know that I struggled, I struggled with it, and I still do at times, struggling with certain boundaries. And it's important though. I, I routinely have to go through the process of reminding myself of, of the reason behind setting the boundaries.
If you'd like to speak about how coaching can help what you work through, either understanding what boundaries you need to set and then how to go about setting them. I. Or anything else. Feel free to book a time with me [e-mail] and until next time, stay well.