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In today's episode, we unpack our belief that there is no such thing as a bad kid.
Show Notes
Episode: 4
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WELCOME
You Can Mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest in the lives of others.
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SHOW NOTES
Creators and Guests
What is You Can Mentor: A Christian Youth Mentoring Podcast?
You Can Mentor is a network that equips and encourages mentors and mentoring leaders through resources and relationships to love God, love others, and make disciples in their own community. We want to see Christian mentors thrive.
We want to hear from you! Send any mentoring questions to hello@youcanmentor.com, and we'll answer them on our podcast. We want to help you become the best possible mentor you can be. Also, if you are a mentoring organization, church, or non-profit, connect with us to join our mentoring network or to be spotlighted on our show.
Please find out more at www.youcanmentor.com or find us on social media. You will find more resources on our website to help equip and encourage mentors. We have downloadable resources, cohort opportunities, and an opportunity to build relationships with other Christian mentoring leaders.
You can mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships with kids from hard places in the name of Jesus. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest in the lives of others. You can mentor.
Speaker 2:Your words matter. They affect great matter. They can make me well or make me shatter. Matter of fact, your words become a part of me. I rehearse them over and over looking for patterns whether they are paternalistic or patronizing.
Speaker 2:The things you speak leak into my sense of self. They become my wealth or my poverty, My peace or my prisons. You are a bad kid and my head loops again and again as a song declaring that I don't just act wrong but that I am wrong. What's wrong with you? I don't know.
Speaker 2:But if I can't think of the answer then I must be the cancer. The derivatives of you telling me to stop being so sensitive leave me living in my lack of self confidence, good whim is a limp in my side that leaves me tied to toughness, loveless. But thanks for your attention. I crave it. Even though it's scathing, it's better than being alone.
Speaker 2:Your words will outlast your breath. Life and death are in your tongue. So watch what you say when we're so young. We believe relationships change lives. They give us an identity.
Speaker 2:They tell us who we are. It's easier to believe you're someone when you're someones. Relationships show us our purpose. We learn more about ourselves when we learn to acknowledge those around us. Our empathy grows.
Speaker 2:We're influenced to fulfill our potential through this love and support for others. Relationships give us these things. They speak into existence who we are in this life. So the question we're asking today is what voice is the loudest in our kids' life? It's telling them who they are.
Speaker 2:In today's episode, we discuss how the words we use and the things we do affect the kids we serve. There is no such thing as a bad kid. Welcome back to the You Can Mentor podcast. So glad you're with us. Whether you're mowing, pulling those weeds, doing something this summer, we're excited you're here, binging this podcast.
Speaker 2:What better podcast to binge? My name is Steven. I'm your host, and this is the You Can Mentor podcast, a podcast all about the power of building relationships. I'm here with Zachary Garza and Caroline Cash.
Speaker 1:Hello.
Speaker 2:Hey. How the heck are you guys?
Speaker 3:Oh, I'm doing great, Steven.
Speaker 2:Glad you're here. We're out of coffee, but the podcast has begun, so no leaving the office. Today we're gonna be talking about there is no such thing as a bad kid. And we're just gonna unpack and ask some questions particularly toward you, Zach, of unpacking how you came to this belief. As I think for for many of us, especially in today's culture, what was your experience of coming to the conclusion there is no such thing as a bad kid?
Speaker 3:The saying there's no no such thing as a bad kid. Right? First off, just wanna put this out there that, yes, you know, before we are one with Christ, before we're new, you know, we do have a sin nature, and, I do understand that. So just for all of you people out there who, who are like, well, that's actually not true because we are sinful creatures. And I'm just here to say, yes.
Speaker 3:That's actually true. Before we know Christ, we are in sin. But the saying there's no such thing as a bad kid, it is honestly more of a it's more of a mindset, and it's more of a protection against judgment. And it kinda comes from really, truly believing the best about a kid. And when you believe the best about a kid, that gives you an opportunity to see a child just like the Lord sees them.
Speaker 3:I came up with this, honestly through my career as a teacher. And if anyone out there has ever been in education before, yeah, you go through college and, yeah, you student teach, but there really isn't anything that can prepare you for the 1st day of school whenever, a teacher is a 1st year teacher. You're thrown in there with 30 some odd kids, and it really is up to you to not only control them and teach them a certain set of things, but you also have the opportunity to build relationships with them. And my first 1, 2, 3 years as a teacher, it was really, really hard on me because the kids who I taught, they came from some pretty unfortunate situations, and I'm just gonna be honest, they did not act well. My classroom was pretty chaotic.
Speaker 3:And I remember that there was this kid. His name was his name is Jonathan, and Jonathan was probably one of my worst students in regards to behavior. The kid acted crazy each and every day. My heart started to grow hard towards him. Every time that that kid walked into my classroom, I would get angry.
Speaker 3:I would, see him and just shut down. And it wasn't until one day after football, whenever Jonathan was waiting to go home and it was just the 2 of us and I started to ask him about his home life, that I got the opportunity to figure out just what Jonathan was dealing with on a day in and day out basis. The Lord truly spoke to me in that moment and said, Zach, this is why Jonathan's acting the way that he is. It isn't that he's a bad kid. It's that he's a hurt kid.
Speaker 3:So there's a second part to this saying, there's no such thing as a bad kid. And the second part is this, there is such thing as a hurt kid. And I believe that our children, the ones that we mentor, the kids from hard places, their behavior comes straight from their experiences, and most of the time, their experiences are traumatic.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 3:One of our main sayings is relationships change lives. And we as mentors, we've got 3 main jobs. Right? Show up, speak truth, and love God with all of our heart. And when we can do those three things, it gives us an opportunity to really enter into their world and to get to know them on a personal level.
Speaker 3:And when we do that, then we get to hear their stories. And there's so much power in a kid's testimony. There's so much power in the story. There's so much correlation between the person that they are today, the things that they're doing, the things that they're saying, and the experiences that they've had as a child.
Speaker 1:How do you set good expectations for those conversations? Because I think some of our mentors might have 1, in essence, breakthrough conversation where a kid might unpack everything for them. But I'm sure the majority of the experience is the exact opposite where it's just chipping away at that story and at those experiences that that child has had. So how do you set good expectations for those conversations with a child and in your heart set good expectations for, I guess, coming coming to the child and seeing them as a hurt kid versus a bad kid.
Speaker 3:The mindset that we have to have whenever we're going in to mentor a kid is, okay, Lord. I am going to trust you. I'm going to trust that you wanna show your love for this kid through me hanging out with him. Yeah. I'm not here to fix him.
Speaker 3:I'm not here to help him get better grades. I'm not here to help him excel in sports. I'm not here to help him get into college. Now all of those things are fantastic if they happen. But the main goal is I am here to love this kid, Lord, like you love him.
Speaker 3:And I think that one of my main prayers whenever I'm going into a mentoring relationship is this prayer. Lord, soften my heart and help me see this child like you see them. Help me see this child how you see them, Lord. Yeah. Because so often, I know with me with without even knowing it, I sometimes have a tendency to treat my kid as if he's a project.
Speaker 3:And I in the back of my mind, I say, well, this kid is doing bad in school or he's acting this way or he's doing all of these bad things. Just wait until I get a hold of him. And when I get a hold of him, then I can teach him how to act right. I can teach him how to study. I can teach him how to be responsible, and then everything everything will work out.
Speaker 3:And I just don't believe that that's a very healthy mindset when it comes to mentoring because in my experiences, you're only setting yourself up for failure.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:There's a main saying, that I think rings true in regards to any relationship, but specifically mentoring, and that is all frustration comes from unmet expectations. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Yeah. The question we should be asking is not how can I help this kid, but what does God think about this kid? Yep. If that's the foundational iOS, the operating system I'm working under, then I'm gonna feel so much compassion and kindness and and ultimately build a foundation of love for this kid to build his own life. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Whereas most cultures where we give advice or we're I guess modern parenting is is kinda revolve around, well, if I was you, I would do this, this, this, this, this.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:Ultimately, like, that's not the reality of life. Like, I'm not you. I can't make decisions for you.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:But if I if I live in that place of asking God, what do you think about this kid I'm investing in?
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:Like, that's gonna be a game changer for the mentoring process.
Speaker 3:Yeah. I believe that one of the foundational tools that's needed to build a relationship with a kid from a hard place is compassion.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And I think in Mark 634, and it says, when he went ashore, he saw a great crowd and he had compassion on them because they were like sheep without a shepherd. I just want for my my own heart. I want my heart to be soft, and I want it to be like Jesus so that whenever I see this kid, I can have compassion on him for where he's been and for what he's experiencing now, but also just to not see him like a project, but instead see him as a kid who, yeah, he has been through some hard things, but that's not the end of his story. Right. And I wanna focus more on where he's going than where he's been, knowing that where he's been is going to greatly impact where he is today.
Speaker 3:I wanna know, lord, how can I love this kid well? Not how can I help him get to college? How can I help him get better grades? It's, Lord, how can I help him well? Knowing that if this kid feels loved, that he's going to gain self confidence and he's going to feel good about himself.
Speaker 3:And those things are in turn going to lead to success in academic success and character. So it's it's the same end goal. It's just we're going about it 2 totally different ways.
Speaker 1:Right. Will you just kind of share maybe an experience that you've had in dealing with, a hurt kid or someone a child that maybe was seen as a bad kid and how you loved them and cared for them and just kind of what that relationship looked like?
Speaker 3:Yeah. Every mentor wants the success story. Right? Mhmm. Every mentor wants the, oh, my kid was all up to no good, and then I came into his life.
Speaker 3:And now he's president of the National Honor Society, and he's going to Harvard. Right? Like, everyone wants that. Unfortunately, that's just not that's just not the case, with most mentoring relationships, because every kid's different and every mentor is different and every kid has had a different experience growing up that's shaping who they are today. Unfortunately, for me, whenever I first came into mentoring, I had that mindset.
Speaker 3:Man, my kid is so lucky to have me because I'm gonna teach him everything that he needs to know to be successful in this world. And he's gonna be an incredible father, an incredible husband, and he's gonna get a full time job, and he's gonna go to college. And his life's gonna be totally different because of me. Now it's okay to to want those things. Mhmm.
Speaker 3:But what I was doing was I was making myself the savior. And without even knowing it, I was putting so much pressure on myself to quote unquote save this young man. And that's not a pressure that one needs to carry because the only person who can save this kid is the lord Jesus Christ. Mhmm. And, of course, I want him to use me to change his life, but ultimately, it is up to him.
Speaker 3:I can invest time and energy. I can love this kid no matter what, but the transformation is up to the Lord. And with me, just there's no such thing as a bad kid came from my first mentoring experience. And I got a young man whenever he was in 7th grade, and I started to mentor him and, man, things were going great. I mean, he was doing better in school.
Speaker 3:He was doing better, in the classroom and had stronger character, and he was excelling on the football field and things were going fantastic in 7th grade, got even better in 8th grade, got even better in 9th grade. And he was just he was just kinda killing it. And I believe that the enemy truly used his success to puff myself up. And, man, I was walking in so much pride because I believe that his success was a direct correlation of my efforts. Now, I believe that whenever he did receive love and attention and affirmation and acceptance, yes, he did start to do better in life, but it wasn't me, it was the Lord working through me.
Speaker 3:But that all changed kinda his 10th grade year. In his 10th grade year, we started to see some things, happen that hadn't happened in the past. Started to kinda shut down, started to not talk to me as much, started to not perform as perform well academically. He was doing excellent in sports, but that was really the only thing that he kinda cared about. That continued on through his 10th grade year and in his 11th grade year, he started sneaking out at night and, started to lie a lot.
Speaker 3:And he just started to, do things that were kinda causing us, to have concerns about him. I remember one night, I allowed him to borrow my car, and he didn't come home for an entire day. I I, allowed him to take our car to go see his brother who was in Arkansas. And, he didn't go to Arkansas. Instead, he disappeared for a week, and, no one knew where he was.
Speaker 3:He started to just make up stories and, he wasn't performing well academically. Just everything was kinda crumbling down. Right? And, man, I was just so confused because I believe that we were kinda doing everything right. Right?
Speaker 3:We, we were talking about sex and we were talking about school when we're talking about the importance of being responsible, and I was quote unquote doing all of the right things.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 3:It just wasn't, correlating to the success. And that's whenever as a mentor, I truly became confused. It's like, man, what am I doing wrong here? How did I miss it? Because I feel like I'm doing everything right, but he isn't responding the way that I want him to respond.
Speaker 1:So how how did you start to respond to those actions? Like, at what point did you realize that either something had to change with the way you were going about the mentor relationship or the relationship period had to change? What was kind of the the turnaround for you that you realized there needed to be some sort of shift?
Speaker 3:Sure. So I I was extremely frustrated. I was mad at him. Mhmm. And looking back now, my stance without me even knowing it was this, I've poured so much time into you and I have sacrificed time with my family, and I've sacrificed money, and I've done everything that I can do to help you, and this is how you repay me.
Speaker 3:And I felt like he was ungrateful, and I was so angry and confused because I thought that he was throwing away his life, and I was giving him everything that he had to have to succeed, and he just wouldn't take it. I didn't understand why he wouldn't just listen to me and just do what I said. Right?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And I look back now and, man, that's I can see how he felt like I was trying to control him. I can see how he felt like I didn't care about him as a person. The only thing I cared about was how he performed. And I think that that's true. I think I cared so much more about his successes in life and out of fear, those are the things that I talked about.
Speaker 3:Those are the things that I focused on instead of focusing in on his heart and on his past and on why he's doing the things that he's doing because there's always a reason why. There's always a reason why a child is acting the way that he's acting. And I didn't know that. I had no idea that, his past played that big of a role into who he was today and the actions that he was performing.
Speaker 2:Love that. I was focused more on his success than his heart.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:And I think that's a that's a trap for every mentor to fall into. So we fall into that place of seeking their success. That opens up a door for the lie for us to believe that this kid is bad Right. If they don't succeed.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:If they don't do something with what I'm giving them.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:That's a powerful warning for every mentor to to guard against, to focus upon the heart rather than their success.
Speaker 3:As a mentor, we have to know that the enemy hates what we're doing. Yeah. Because we can call it mentoring, we can call it whatever we want. The bottom line is we are making disciples. We are investing into the life of a kid who the enemy has had his way with for his entire life, and we're loving them with the love of Jesus Christ.
Speaker 3:We're introducing them to Jesus as savior. And you've gotta believe that the enemy is gonna lie to you because that's what he does. He lies. And he's gonna do whatever he can to get you as a mentor to not love this kid with the love of Jesus. And if that means lie and if that means change your perspective to see this kid as a project, then that is what he's going to do.
Speaker 3:As a mentor, we've got to do the work before we even spend time with a kid of preparing our hearts and truly allowing the Lord to purify our motives and to purify, our perceptions and to purify our hearts so that we see this kid how he sees them. It's essential not to not to focus on the past, but you definitely have to know about the past and know that the past is guiding who he is today and where he's going. So we can focus on the future, but in the back of our head, we we have to know where he's been and what they've been through. Because the bottom line is this. As a mentor, we have to have compassion for the kids that we spend time with.
Speaker 3:And you get compassion, the Lord grows compassion in your heart whenever you hear their stories, whenever you find out the reason why. Finding out their backstory, finding out where they've been, finding out what they've been through is of the utmost of importance in regards to building a relationship with this kid. Because it's gonna tell you almost everything. With the kid who I mentored, whenever I was spending time with him, I genuinely thought he was a bad kid. I mean, he, was doing all of these things that society would call bad.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:He was sneaking out at night, and he was having sex with girls, and he was doing all of these things that society deems unwise as a kid who's 17. And as I look back now, one fatal mistake that I made in my relationship with him was I didn't pay attention to his backstory. And what I didn't tell you guys was that the kid who I mentored was abandoned by his father and that he didn't have an opportunity to see his mom very often. I didn't tell you that he had multiple men come in and out of his life for as long as he could remember. I didn't tell you that he moved every 2 years because his mom had to change jobs and he was never truly able to develop that friend base.
Speaker 3:I didn't tell you that he had 3 older brothers. 2 of them were in prison. I didn't tell you that the only thing in life that he wanted was to be loved and accepted, but he had no clue how to receive that love in a healthy way. I didn't tell you that despite his silence and him not talking and him not opening up, that he actually had a lot to say. He just couldn't trust that anyone would listen.
Speaker 3:Mhmm. So I sit here today and say, hey, there's no such thing as a bad kid. There is such thing as a hurt kid. And so when it comes to the kid who I mentored, we have to ask ourselves this question. Was he a bad kid or was he just a hurt kid?
Speaker 3:Mhmm. Because if I take myself out of this whole situation and I look at it objectively, everything that he was doing, he was screaming out for help. The only thing he wanted was attention, was acceptance, was love, was just for someone to care. Right. But I missed that because I was so busy focused on, the things that he was doing.
Speaker 3:Because I was so busy focused on, the end result. And if I had to go back, man, I I would do things differently.
Speaker 1:I think, just the idea of asking questions can even be surprising for some of the kids that we spend time with because, I don't know. I just I know that I've interacted with a lot of kids who have never been asked the question, well, how did that make you feel?
Speaker 3:How did that make you feel?
Speaker 1:Or why why do you think that happened? Or whatever the question is, I think that can be almost a shocking question to hear
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 1:Or even just to be asked questions about their story, because I think in the Christian culture, we want to know each other's stories, and it is a cultural thing to be, you know, sharing our stories or to be asking questions about someone else's stories. But we have to remember that that is not the norm. And so being intentional and being purposeful with the questions that we're asking can be somewhat shocking in a really good way. Because I think at the end of the day, everyone wants to talk about themselves to a certain degree and to have their story be told and heard. And just getting getting past just the facts of a story and diving deep into the the questions of emotions or feelings or, just those root things can be really, really transformational.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Because mentor might be the first person to ever ask a child those questions.
Speaker 3:Right. Whenever you start to figure out where these kids have been and when you start to understand, man, this kid has experienced more trauma in his life Mhmm. Than I have, and he's 13 years old. Yeah. And you have to understand that this kid is going to have a hard time putting into words his experiences.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 3:He simply isn't developed enough to say, man, whenever I saw this abuse happen, whenever I saw this happen, that really made me feel sad. That really he he or she can't do that yet.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:But it's up to us to help draw that out of them in a safe way. But, yeah, that man, if that were to happen to me, I sure would feel hurt or I sure would feel angry. I sure would feel scared. That is almost giving them permission to feel, almost giving them permission to talk about the hurts and the pains and the experiences that are hurting them on a day in and day out basis and that are keeping them from reaching their full potential. That how how did that make you feel question?
Speaker 3:That that is the most powerful question that you can ask a kid from a hard place. Oh, man. I bet that sure was hard. Tell me how that made you feel. And, when you're having a conversation with a kid from a hard place and when the Lord gives you that opportunity, when there's that that moment where you're like, man, he's really starting to share things with me.
Speaker 3:That gives us an opportunity to truly be the hands and feet of Jesus and to come alongside this kid and to put your arm around him and just to say, hey, it's okay. What happened to you is not okay.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:But I'm here for you, and we're gonna make it through, and I love you. And there's so much power in that. Mhmm. Yeah. And us as, you know, as a man, we're we aren't the best with being emotional.
Speaker 3:We're not the best with showing compassion. But man, that is what our kids need.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Right? Our kids need sympathy. Our kids need love. Our kids need a tender heart. You know?
Speaker 3:First Peter 3 8 says, finally, all of you have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. A kid needs your heart of compassion so much more than he needs your advice.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Totally.
Speaker 3:He just needs you to be there for him, and he just needs someone who's gonna love him no matter what.
Speaker 1:Mhmm.
Speaker 3:And when we listen to their story, the Lord grows compassions in our heart to understand what these kids have been through. And when we understand what they have been through, we enter into their world. And when we enter into their world, when we think, man, what was it like to experience that? When we enter into their world, empathy arises in our hearts for this child, and we're truly able to see them how the Lord sees them, and we're we're able to love them with the heart of Christ. And that's what transforms lives.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:So I'd say this just my final thoughts. The next time that the kid who you mentor is rude to you, the next time that he won't open up, the next time that it seems like you've you've spent your precious time hanging out with him and he just doesn't give you the time of day, remember that there's always a reason why. And remember their story. Remember where they came from, and put yourself in their shoes. And one of the most important things that we can do as a mentor is to ask the Lord to grow compassion, empathy, and patience as we serve this child, as we serve the Lord, and as we love them no matter what.
Speaker 2:Thanks for listening to today's episode of You Can Mentor. Please check out our website and our show notes so you can see more information and resources for mentoring. If you're interested in mentoring, please holler at your boy at you can mentor.com.