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We are Meredith and Mishelle and together, we are flipping the script on what it means to be an IT girl. Each week we will be discussing topics and questions submitted by YOU, our audience, as we navigate life's challenges together.
Mishelle Kost (00:01)
Hey, fabulous people, I'm Meredith. And I'm Michelle. And together we're here to flip the script on what it truly means to be the It Girl. That's right. Whether you're rocking the runway or embracing the messy bun life, no matter your size, ethnicity, or state of your sweats, you are It. We're diving deep into the realness of life, celebrating the victories, navigating the failures, and sometimes not having a clue while doing it all.
We've got battle scars, heartbreaks, contagious laughs, and an unbreakable bond of love for each other. Join us every week as we unwrap different topics and answer questions brought to us by our amazing audience. That's you. Get ready for a fresh dose of perspective that'll make you think, laugh, and maybe even shed a tear. We're on this journey together, growing, crying, laughing, and fighting for one another, because that's what being an It Girl is all about.
So send us your burning topics and thought provoking questions through our website, itgirllife .com or drop us a line directly at hello at itgirllife .com. Let's make every moment count, embrace the chaos and live our best it girl lives.
Mishelle (01:03)
All right, welcome back everybody. We are here for episode 12, Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda. Love this title, so fun. Today's topic is really about kids. And do we have regrets for having them late in life or not at all? So Meredith is in the bucket of not at all and I'm in the bucket of having them late in life. So we're excited to talk about this, I think.
There's a lot that both of us have to share around this. So it should be good one for y 'all today. But let's kick it off with the icebreaker. Do you think you're lucky? Why or why not? Meredith, what do you think? Are you a lucky person?
Meredith (01:49)
say I'm absolutely lucky, but not in the conventional blind luck or superstitious luck or people feel like that person, everything that person touches turns to gold, like that type of luck. But I do feel immensely lucky for opportunities. And I think that having been on the right path has opened up an opportunity for me to engage on that luck, which I think
Mishelle (02:04)
Yeah. huh.
Mm -hmm.
Meredith (02:19)
So my opinion is yes, I'm lucky because I've been able to capitalize on the opportunities when luck was the circumstance around luck was presented to me. But based on the choices and my intentions and my intuitions is what led me to that. Does that make sense? It's not quote unquote lucky, but that's what I would kind of spin around luck. So yes, I'm immensely lucky.
Mishelle (02:39)
Yeah, no, that makes sense.
Yeah, well, here's my answer. Maybe this will like spark conversation, but recently my teacher, Suzanne Conrad, actually asked the question or explained and shared the difference between being blessed and lucky and where feeling, the feeling of being blessed is really about an energy exchange and
I don't even know if I'm doing it justice around explaining it, but I liked it because it got me thinking like, where in my life am I feeling lucky when I actually need to be feeling blessed? And when I come at it from that standpoint, so when you're asking like, do you feel lucky? I think my mind immediately went to actually, yeah, I do feel lucky, but I feel more blessed than I do lucky. I feel blessed in so many areas of my life where
being like this episode, being able to have a baby at 40, having a great family, having a great family relationship, the health that I currently have, the health of my family, knowing that, you know, I mean, I'm not making a million dollars, but I have enough money to do the things that I want to do. And I have a sense of freedom around that. So there's lots of things that I feel really blessed about in a similar way. And so that's what I would say. That's my answer.
Meredith (04:07)
I like that you put it in that perspective because I do recall the feelings of, I feel like the energy that I've put out has allowed the certain matching energy to be received by me as well. And I do think I'm incredibly blessed. I'm incredibly grateful for the opportunities and the things that I have in my life and the journey I've been able to walk so far, but I'm not lucky in the sense of I've won the lottery several times.
Mishelle (04:20)
Is it?
Yeah, it's right. Like it's not luck because it's more of a blessing. Cause like you said, you've put this energy out and now you're receiving it back in. And so here you are like in this blessed state and it's not luck cause it's not like it just dropped in your lap. Like the success that you have right now and the life that you're living and the things that you have did not just drop in your lap. It was, it was hard work. It was things that you generated and created and work towards, which you're now getting to enjoy. So.
Meredith (04:37)
Right.
Mm -hmm.
I know this is still just the icebreaker question, but do you think more people put the word lucky? This was just a really interesting circumstance that this is the icebreaker question, because they're kind of random when we put them out there. But do you think people use the word lucky in order to justify looking in on someone else's life and kind of depicting like, those people just appear to be really lucky. Everything goes well for them. But what we're also saying is
were incredibly blessed and hardworking and that can attribute to being quote unquote lucky.
Mishelle (05:40)
Yes, I do think that. I think there can be a misunderstanding if people think when people see success that it was due to luck or that something else in their life created that luck or that situation for them. But oftentimes missing out that, no, these people had it just as hard of a circumstance as you did and were dealt a really hard hand and were able to get out of it.
Meredith (06:01)
Mm -hmm.
Mishelle (06:08)
You know, because, you know, like for instance, you and I, I mean, we had $30 ,000 worth of credit card debt. You know, like here we are. I mean, I've, I had $30 ,000 worth of credit card debt, like multiple times throughout a certain season. So it's not that that was like the one number, but it was like, it's just like kept creeping back up. So, you know, I mean, we had to work on it. We had to.
Meredith (06:15)
you
More than that, that was just on the credit card.
Mishelle (06:37)
work on it and we had to make it happen. So yeah, I do think people probably use it in that way too.
Meredith (06:41)
Well, I do feel very lucky for the things that I think you and I get to share even just in this. This has been a really fun journey so far. But to dig into this topic, to the question that has come up, one, before I read the question, I'm incredibly proud that someone felt that they could ask us this question. Because I think that that comes off as you and I.
being authentic enough to say, we're transparent and we'll answer whatever questions that you want to submit. So really appreciate someone feeling and having the courage to ask this type of question and reiterating, yeah, we'll answer it. This is something that's very real and happens. So the question is, do we have regrets about the topic of children, having them late in life or not having children at all?
Mishelle (07:33)
I mean, I'm also grateful somebody asked this question because I think it's a good one because I think this comes up a lot in people's lives, especially for us as women who are in a working career field because the question is always, you know, can you like it's one or the other. And I think to when you see a successful woman, the question is. they probably don't have kids.
Meredith (07:34)
You
Mishelle (08:01)
or maybe that's the assumption I mean. It's like, they probably don't have kids or maybe they don't want, I don't know. I don't even know where I'm going with that. But I will say for myself, I have, like, I don't have regrets having a child late in life. I don't have any regrets about having a child period. I, and then also then the secondary question probably would be like, well, do you wish you would have started sooner?
And sometimes maybe yes, but also at the same time, no, because I feel like the time that I had Aspen was the time that I was supposed to have her. I don't think I was in a place or ready mentally. I don't think my marriage was in a place or ready. I don't think my husband was ready. Like there's a lot that goes into bringing a human being into this world.
And there's no rush or timeline. I thought for so long that I was too old or I kept running out of time. I mean, I remember one day my dad and I were driving somewhere and he looked over at me and was like, are you going to have kids anytime soon? I mean, your biological clock is ticking. And I was like, dad, I don't need to be having this conversation right now. I think I was like 33 at the time. And it's like, there is no rush. There's no.
Meredith (09:17)
He he.
Mishelle (09:22)
everyone's on a different time schedule. But having kids has been or having a kid has been incredible. And I absolutely love the journey and the process of motherhood. And so I would just say I have no regrets, zero regrets, really, for me on my end. What about you, Meredith, because you've got a different journey and a different path. What are your thoughts?
Meredith (09:33)
Hehehehe
The path, I have a faith that the path that I put on this earth and the purpose that I'm here did not include children. And I've settled with that. And very early in my relationship with Ben, we had the conversation because we knew we would have to take care of my mom. And at that time, it was well before she was diagnosed with cancer, we didn't know how long we would have the opportunity to take care of her. And so she...
Mishelle (09:54)
Yeah.
Meredith (10:12)
we said we wouldn't be able to do both and we knew that. And so we decided not to have kids. But even before we made the decision and knew all the things with my mom, I don't think I was ready mentally, physically, emotionally, financially. And so I've never second guessed it. That's not a thing that I've ever had as far as like, my gosh, what would my life look like if I had a kid? But I think I've...
Mishelle (10:39)
Your mind never goes there. That's amazing. That's powerful.
Meredith (10:43)
Yeah, I know. I think that what makes me sad sometimes is that people say you don't experience the the breadth of the love you're capable of giving until you have a child of your own. And I love so strongly and deeply that I'm sometimes I'm like, Do I have more to give or
what would that feel like? And I love that that is a component for other people. But like my nieces and nephews, I love them to my bones and want to do the, be the best role model and be there for them as a support system. And I mentor a lot of youth from middle school to college age. And I feel incredibly fulfilled. And I don't feel like any portion of my life is missing.
And that's what I take away when I'm, when people will say, are you sure you don't regret not having kids? And I just, I don't know what I don't know. And I love other people's children. I love my family and I feel like that's enough. I feel incredibly fulfilled and successful with that. And you just.
Mishelle (11:56)
Mm -hmm.
I mean, it is enough. And that's what I mean. It is enough. I will say that it is enough. And I think there is a sense of. I think for me. And I don't want to be judgmental, so let me let me say this with like care and love, but sometimes I hear people talking about or wanting to have children because they feel like there's something missing in their lives or feeling like it needs to bring like wholeness or completeness. I think what I really.
embrace about my journey is that I've always wanted to have children and I really, really desired it. There was this period of time where I just really, really wanted children and I wanted kids and I didn't think it was going to happen for a couple of different reasons, but I wanted it so much. And then I finally got to a point where I just came to a place of acceptance and recognizing like, okay, this might not be in the cards for me. And I don't, I actually was in a similar
similar place with you in your life where it was like, I feel complete. I feel satisfied. Like I don't feel like anything's missing. I have no regrets. Like I feel good with that choice and like it is good and it is what it is and I'm fine with that. And so then to be able to have that child and become pregnant after I made that choice, almost it just feels like different for me. I don't feel this sense of I
feel complete now because I had already felt whole and complete before having her. And now it just feels like she's just this added extra layer. Yeah, cherry on top, this extra layer of joy and love and something else to my life. So I don't know. I don't know where I was going with that other than I think sometimes there is this stigma that you have to have kids to complete.
Meredith (13:38)
Cherry on top. Yeah.
Mm -hmm.
Mishelle (13:56)
yourself or there needs to be you're not experiencing like the fullness of life and I think I'm here to just tell you and encourage you also that I don't think that that's true. I agree. I agree with you and for anybody else out there who's going to decide not to have children or maybe they can't have children, it's not the end all be all. Like you can still have a life outside of not having a family because you can have family in so many other different ways. Like you said, you love your nieces and nephews so much to the core and I
Meredith (14:22)
you
Mishelle (14:26)
before Aspen loved my dogs so much. I still love my dogs, but there was so much love and care and attention and I saw my dogs as my children. Yeah, so there's still a lot that you can get without having kids.
Meredith (14:43)
I think the difficult portion of this is people will continue to pressure you and ask you questions. And if you are not ready or you don't know or your circumstances are different than what quote unquote is normal, it's not wrong. It's just what works for you. And if we're just trying to become a society that respects and cares for people in whatever manner they're in, and like you said, if someone has
doesn't have the ability to have children, but you continually pressure them and talk to them about it because that's what your assumptions and your feelings and beliefs are about the topic. We just need to handle everybody else with care and they may not be as open and honest about it like you and I could hurt them. And so I'm not saying that directly reflected to the question to us, but it's more around the assumptions and societal norms that we put pressure on people to like check that box.
a nine -to -five career, get married, white picket fence, have children. You know, that just, it's not what works for some people and that's okay, like you said. It's whatever works for you and whatever you feel like your purpose is here. That's
Mishelle (15:41)
Yeah.
And almost like redefining what success is for you. Because also having children does not also equal check mark, okay, I succeed, like I've raised children, and then my children are my life, which I think there's good and bad in that there's balance that's required, I think.
Meredith (16:03)
Mm -hmm.
Mm -hmm.
Mishelle (16:21)
in not putting your success and value and worth into your children. And I wonder if some of that, the questions where people are asking you about it is, is that someone who's putting too much value into their children and having a family? It could be, I don't know. So.
Meredith (16:28)
Mm -hmm.
Yeah.
Do you think that, and I don't know exactly how to ask this question because I don't have children, so I don't know, but you know the pressure to have them earlier, late 20s, I think it's like mid 20s to late 20s is like, this is a prime time to have children. And then 30s, and then when you get into the late 30s and early 40s, from a stamina perspective and a like energy perspective.
Does that at all play a factor? Do you feel like physical Michelle, mental Michelle at that time would have just been like snapshot mom Michelle?
Mishelle (17:27)
I think, like, no, I think, yeah, obviously if I had babies when I was younger, I would have had more energy, a thousand percent. And I don't think I was in the right mental state to have a baby, you know, because I think it requires so much emotional self -management to be able to care for a child who needs so much emotional regulation. If I can't manage my own emotional and regulate my own emotions,
Meredith (17:36)
You
Mishelle (17:56)
then I can't be a good mom to Aspen because the amount of emotional energy it takes to support a child who's having a tantrum or to support a child who just doesn't know what they want and can't use their words because they don't even have words, it takes so much emotional toll on everything. And I think the only reason I'm saying and the only reason like
Meredith (18:13)
Mm -hmm.
Mishelle (18:23)
I'm in a place with my marriage right now is because of the fact that I can manage myself and my own emotions in that way in a much better state than I am now than I would have been in my 30s or in my 20s. And so honestly, I don't even know how y 'all in your 20s be having babies like more power to you. I have no idea. Feels crazy to me. But I also feel really, but the other thing too to think about, cause it's like, if I would have had kids when I was really young,
Meredith (18:35)
Mm -hmm.
Yeah.
Mishelle (18:52)
I would have had, you know, cause you know, then by the time you're in your forties and fifties, then you would have had kids out of the house and you've had all this other time to go do something. Whereas now I feel like I lived my whole life and then now I'm focused on having the kids, but I'm going to have a baby now or kids or caring for kids all the way up until like my retirement age. And so it's like, I don't, one's not better than the other. It just, I think it's just how the chips fall.
Meredith (19:14)
Mm -hmm.
Yeah.
Mishelle (19:18)
And so I think just like don't have any judgment around it is what I would tell anybody who's trying to have a baby or in the process of like wanting to have a baby. Like there is really truly no correct timeline and you'll figure it out when you get there. And I think the only thing that makes me sad is knowing that Aspen will lose her parents at a younger age than most of her friends. I think when I think about that, like,
Meredith (19:45)
Mm -hmm.
Mishelle (19:48)
not to be morbid, but when I think about that piece of it, she'll probably just be, she'll be younger, but when Bride and I die and pass away. And so that, I just know that'll be hard on her when that time comes. And that's the only thing that makes me sad, but you know, it's a part of life.
Meredith (19:49)
No.
Yeah, but I mean, you're Asian, you probably are gonna live to a hundred, so... Or I'm half white, so I've probably got like 15 good years.
Mishelle (20:11)
Hahaha!
Maybe so, maybe so. Yeah, so I think, yeah, you're right. Like it's all good and it's all intended to be the way that it's supposed to be and playing out the way that it's supposed to play out.
Meredith (20:27)
Yeah. And one thing, like I don't want this, any portion of this episode to sound disrespectful for anybody who has children in any age range in their life. My oldest nephew was born when I was in the eighth grade and my brother and my then sister -in -law, who I'm very close with still, my sister -in -law.
Mishelle (20:36)
Yes, yes.
Meredith (20:48)
were coming out of high school. And I got to see that struggle and I got to witness that. And then I get to see her grow and flourish into this adult who's one of my best friends now and just have recognized the journey and the struggle from having children that young of an age.
and having these successful adults. And I was essentially a child myself and there was a baby around and all of these things. And I'm not saying that directly influenced my decision, but I got to witness firsthand the joy and the struggle for a lot of that component. And so that's why I wanted to make sure we come off very respectfully for whatever season of life that people start a family.
Mishelle (21:15)
Mm -hmm.
Meredith (21:35)
if you can't start a family or you choose not to have kids, like these decisions and the things that happen and your purpose and your mission here, we just all got to treat each other kindly in any of our circumstances and make sure and lift each other up instead of having these assumptions and these incorrect, you use the word incorrect beliefs or stereotypes or societal norms around what a conventional family looks like.
Mishelle (21:48)
Yes.
Mm -hmm.
And we're all in our own path. That's the other piece. Like we're all on our own path on our own timeline and success does look different for everyone. And so if you're struggling or grappling with the decision, I would just encourage defining what a success look like. And are you wanting kids for yourself? Are you wanting kids to fill and check the societal norm box? Are you trying to fill some sort of void?
Meredith (22:08)
All in a row. Yeah.
Mishelle (22:35)
What's the purpose behind having a family and bringing a child into this world? Because it's a huge responsibility and it's a lot of work. And I think just making sure you're doing it for the right reasons is important and making sure that you're ready for it when the time comes because like I said, it takes a lot of self -regulation and a lot of emotional maturity to be able to parent.
Meredith (23:01)
Yeah. And if you're having a struggle in deciding, there's a lot of volunteer initiatives that put you in line with age ranges of people. And there's a real satisfaction of mentoring foster youth or, you know, big brother, big sister, or just, I'm not saying that that's even a fraction of what it takes to parent a kid, but they have hard conversations. You still have to...
really understand and pour into somebody in their season. And so if you know, babysitting, it would be also another thing if you're not used to being around babies and you want to take up trying to babysit. You know, I'm just trying to, if you can't make a decision, it doesn't mean that you have to make the decision right now. You can still do some more, let it saturate, try and do different things to really see who you want to become in that next chapter.
Mishelle (23:39)
Hahaha
Meredith (24:00)
So, okay, so I guess there's no real end notes to recap, but I think what we wanna share, Michelle and I, is we have no regrets, right? I just, for me, I don't regret a lot because I can't change it. I really am forward -focused and really excited for the future. We love our life. We paint the picture of what our success looks like, whether that's having a child, potentially having more children.
Mishelle (24:00)
Amen. Love it.
Meredith (24:27)
not having a child and still having the opportunity to adopt if I ever decide. So the world is our oyster. No regrets here. What else would you like to share, Michelle?
Mishelle (24:38)
I think just ditto yes to all of that and just do you. At the end of the day, you gotta do you and you gotta do what's right for you.
Meredith (24:49)
Exactly. So you guys submit your burning questions to us at our website at girl life .com or email us directly at hello at it girl life .com. We'd love to hear from you. Any hot topic that you want to put on there. We're happy to answer and give some insight into. So we appreciate you.